Adult Children of Caregivers/parents who used

Individual Counseling & Therapy | Columbia, MO

Growing Up With Excessive Use

Growing up, it can be difficult to see or understand what is really happening within your family system. There’s the saying that ignorance is bliss and that when we fully begin to understand, we open a gate of feelings that may be too difficult to sit with at the time.

This is the case especially as children. You might have noticed that the rhythm of the family song was slightly off, but couldn’t quite grasp what was causing that rift. You might have thought, “oh, mommy is just drinking her nighttime drink!” with little to no idea that every time mommy uses that mug it’s full of vodka… but you know she smelled funny after and wasn’t as nice (or was much nicer) than normal. What about if one of your parents was habitually using drugs or constantly drinking alcohol?  What if there was a noticeable relationship between the parent and the substance? What if you knew something seemed odd about your parent’s use, but you couldn’t fully grasp why? 

If you grew up as a child with a loved one who was using, these questions might feel familiar.

When Excessive Use Is the Norm in Your Family of Origin

When substance use comes into the family system, it can be even more difficult to fully wrap your head around how deep (or dark) the bond to the actual substance truly is. It can also be difficult to grasp what kind of effect it is having on the relationships within your home. It’s a given that our parents, or caregivers, are the people that we naturally learn how to build feelings of trust and security (or not, which is also a thing that happens). We do this as infants whether we want to or not; we attach to those around us. It literally is a survival mechanism. What can happen is that those secure feelings of attachment to our loved ones can be altered upon realizing that substance use is of higher priority than the connection between caregiver and child. When you know you come after the substance, you also learn (quickly) how to still stay connected to your caregiver/parent.

Some (Minimal) Stats

Not to bore you, but sit with these statistics for a minute. SAMSHA, which is also known as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (i.e., a big deal), collected a combo of data between 2009 and 2014. Basically, they found that a yearly average of “8.7 million children” in the U.S. under the age of 17 lived in homes where one parent had a Substance Use Disorder (2015).

Let’s just sit with that for a minute… 8.7 million children.

That accounts for approximately 12.3% of the population of children under the age of 17!! 

What’s the impact of this, though?

Okay, so you might be wondering what type of impact your caregiver/parent’s addiction to substances actually has on your or other members of the family? This is a stellar question.

A lot of today’s research and resources go into helping the actual individual who is struggling with the addiction. Which is super important and makes so much sense. Frankly, there probably aren’t enough resources as it is to overtake the addiction epidemic in our society (that’s an entirely different page/post/series, though). Getting treatment for those who are using is absolutely a top priority.  But what about the other people who have had to live with someone using?

How do you even begin to assist the children, spouses, partners, or other family members who have been in the audience watching the most unpredictable and scary performance of their life? 

It’s easy to forget about how the addiction and substance use wreaks havoc on the people who have been in the crossfire. And, often (if not primarily), those people are within the family system of the person who used.

Children who grow up with parents who are using may have a hard time even knowing that traumatic or horrific things are happening being that drinking and using illicit substances are so frequently normalized in our society’s messages. That could also leave the child wondering why there is something off in the relationship and what effect has their role played in the shift. The need for control and stability may be bubbling up within the child but they have no idea how to grasp it or even hold it in the first place.  

Okay, but how do I know if I’ve been impacted as a child of a caregiver/parent who used?

If any of this is sounding familiar, it also feels important to shed light on a list of characteristics that children of parents who have used may be aligned with or relate to:

• being rigid and inflexible;

• difficulty trusting or being closed off to others;

• hold feelings of shame and loneliness;

• quick to self-criticize;

• need for perfection;

• tendency to be a ‘people pleaser’;

• being highly sensitive or reactive;

• being overly responsible (for self and others);

• feelings of anxiety;

• taking care of or rescuing others even when it hurts you;

• fear of anger or confronting others.

This is in no way an exhaustive list. It’s generalized based off of other people’s experiences (and research). The goal has been to understand what children and family members may be feeling after growing up with a caregiver/parent who used, and to explore what it might be like for someone currently living with that life.

Help Yourself to Heal

If you’re starting to feel a desire to explore your own personal experience, fear not–there are ways to get help. 

One of the main ways to help yourself heal is to talk about your issues. Counseling, of course, can be a fantastic and effective way to sort out what was going on in your childhood family and how that played a role in shaping your relationship with your caregivers/parents and subsequent relationships. As counselors, we can offer a safe and empowering space to fully explore emotions, thoughts, behaviors, values, and beliefs that were all impacted by other’s addictions in the past.

We can’t (and won’t) say that it will always be easy to talk about these issues. Especially if you were raised to protect the family or to “keep family matters within the family.” However, being able to have control over your story and your narrative, as well as to actually experience and be present with the feelings that probably got buried will almost guaranteed alleviate some distress you’re feeling.  

As cheesy as it sounds, how you feel is actually valid and we want to honor those feelings by creating a space to honor what you’ve been through. 

What can counseling do for me, though?

I mean, first and foremost, we aim to create a personable and unique experience for you. Really, we want this for every person who walks through our door. We legit try our best to help you gain a sense of understanding about the experiences you’ve had in life. We want you to feel seen, heard, and understood, period. Not to mention supported along your journey in life (and counseling, heyo!). We work to understand what kind of relationships you experienced living with a caregiver/parent who used, while also collaborating with you to rebuild relationships with others and yourself.

The downside is that there’s no quick fix to unpacking/processing/making sense of what happened in the past (we wish– that would be amazing). The upside is that our goal (assuming it’s in alignment with yours) is to attend to what’s being brought to us and collaborate on ways to help you cultivate a healthier-for-you future.

This sounds good enough, I think. Still nervous, but I’d like to come in.

Perfect! That’s good enough for us, too. Making the decision to come in for counseling is terrifying for a lot of people (although not for all). We really want the process of getting in to be as painless and seamless as possible. You can just email us directly or click the contact button below. Feel free to ask any questions you want or to request scheduling with anybody from our team. We appreciate you being here!