Parenting Issues

Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling | Columbia, MO

You may find yourself wondering… what’s the best approach, what if I mess up, or how do I make sure I change what I didn’t like about my upbringing?

It’s an area where a lot of parents feel inadequate and maybe even a little bit terrified.

Now, to make matters even more scary, let’s add in another person to the mix who might have different ideals, a different upbringing, and different expectations (say hi to your partner!). Not only all these differences, but also a sense of wanting to accommodate those ideals, too. It’s completely overwhelming at times. And on one hand, you’re in the right place. We’ve got an amazing team of counselors and therapists, including some who specialize in couples and marriage counseling, which is often where parenting issues can arise. On the other hand, it’s still overwhelming. We get that.

For some couples, parenting can be an extremely sensitive area, especially if there isn’t mutual agreement in ideas and practices of child rearing. Sensitive areas are often our most vulnerable. The emotional and physical toll of child rearing affects all people involved: the parent, the partner, and the child.

The bonds between a parent and a child are innate and so it may feel like complete forfeiture of your values if you and your partner are not in alignment. The problem then is two-fold.

1. How do I stay connected to my partner when parenting takes up so much space and we don’t agree?

2. How do I compromise and still feel honored in my parenting style?

Staying Connected… Maybe?

Staying connected to your partner while parenting can be a challenge. The day-in and day-out routine and chaos leads to not much physical time or emotional space to attend to your partner or their needs (or your own, for that matter). It’s a 24-hour, seven-days-a-week job that leads to little (if any) time to devote to your relationship.

• Things which need to be talked about get pushed aside.

• Date nights go out the window.

• Fun is a fond memory of the past.

Sound familiar, yet?

And when you’re already feeling exhausted and as if you’re losing sight of “us,” the more troubling things that also need to be addressed end up going by the wayside. Those troubling things usually include healing from past hurts, recovering from an affair, figuring out how to engage in healthy conflict, or basic communication between the two of you. And that’s not even including the conversations for the two of you to simply connect, express needs, and have some emotional or physical intimacy.

Emotional Distancing | Feeling Alone Even with Your Partner

When there is a lack of time to devote to anyone but the child(ren), a natural progression that can occur between partners is emotional distancing. And the terrible thing about emotional distancing is that it ‘hangs out with’ feeling isolated, lonely, hurt, and sad. And then these feelings play a large role in your relationship satisfaction with your partner. We can’t claim chicken or egg, but we do know that the three of them (distancing, unpleasant feelings, relationship satisfaction) are all part of the package.

What’s even worse is that the impact of dissatisfaction can have a ripple effect on a) your own mental health, b) the state of the relationship, and c) the mental health of your child(ren).

Short version is this. If you don’t have the mental space to talk about the hard stuff (and who even wants to when we have a free minute?!), then there’s no opportunity for emotional connectedness, and that lack of space, time, and attention can segue right into distancing.

Mismatched Parenting | When We (Unhappily) Parent Differently

Basically, there are 1000 ways to parent, so the likelihood of parenting differently than your partner in at least one way, if not five, is expected. What can happen is that we can have mismatch on a certain aspect of parenting that is near and dear to all hearts involved. When this happens, tensions rise.

Very few things can feel more disastrous than fundamentally disagreeing about a core aspect of parenting. Worse still, when a parenting doesn’t just disagree, but outright opposes your stance/values/beliefs/approach. It can be excruciating.

This doesn’t even have to be the big stuff. You might agree on some aspect of discipline, for example, but the frequency differs. For example, you might think discipline is necessary for spilled milk while your partner thinks ‘accidents happen.’ Doesn’t seem like a huge deal as a one off example, but take a quick second to multiply this by 10 per day for the next 15 years and then let’s talk.

The (Possible) Impacts of Mismatched Parenting

1. Resentment
   If you’re feeling consistently misunderstood by your partner with regard to parenting approach or values, you’ll likely start to feel resentful. Further still, if you feel dismissed, or as though your opinion/thoughts/values aren’t worth time or energy, then you’ll likely start to feel resentful. And resentment is like a slow transition from blood to tar in your veins. It’s heavy, corrosive, and significantly unpleasant.

2. Regret
   You might begin to wonder if the person you chose to create/adopt/raise a human with is the right person for you. You might ask yourself, “how can a person who is so damn opposite from me be my “forever” partner? What was I thinking?” This can easily shift into thinking there are ‘more perfect’ matches in the world, which seems like it’s not a big deal, but is actually a dangerous thought (for your relationship) to entertain as you might start thinking more and more often about your partner’s flaws and how “the grass is probably greener.”

3. Ineffective Conflict
   If you’re bound and determined that your approach, values, or ideals are the correct way to raise your child(ren), then standing up for what you believe in seems like the logical solution. You dig your heels in so that your partner knows how serious you are about your position. This might work, until you’re met with an equal and opposite stance from your partner. Ultimately, we can end up with ineffective conflict, which all circles back to that emotional distancing piece and an increase in those unpleasant feelings (anger, loneliness, sadness, etc.).

What is clear about these things is that they’re not good for the relationship. And while they’re going on, these impacts can be especially more pronounced if you’re not countering them with positive interactions (we’re shooting for a 5:1 [positive:negative] ratio, folks).

Common Areas Where Parenting Differences Occur

When it comes to specifics about parenting differences, the list is huge. We’ve whittled it down to some common areas where parents have mismatched ideas on parenting, but please note this list isn’t exhaustive.

• dinner/food/feeding

• beliefs about emotional regulation (i.e., soothing versus crying-it-out)

• beliefs about the expression of emotions

• discipline

• basic values (i.e., what makes a good person, what’s important in life)

• differing religious views

• extent of involvement with extended family

• how leisure time is spent

• clothing and dressing

• potty training

• importance of education

• having more children

• how siblings interact

• electronics/screen time

• politics

• holiday rituals

• age-appropriate child responsibilities (i.e., chores, homework)

• goals for the children

To make this even more complicated (not our goal, we promise), within each of these topics there are sub-topics. And lest you get too overwhelmed, take heart and keep soldiering on. We’ve got some better news on the way.

What can I expect from counseling/therapy for parenting?

Well, great question. You can expect a few things.

1. Therapy isn’t always comfortable, so be prepared for what you might be experiencing once you get there is important.

2. A thorough assessment about the overall state of your relationship. Specific questions about topics, a general idea of conflict, a history of your relationship, and goals for therapy. And in case you think this is a waste, parenting is part of a relationship, so no, we don't skip the assessment. It’s extremely telling and helpful.

3. Individual interviews with your clinician. This is to get a feel for each of you as individuals and your personal values, goals, commitment levels, thoughts, and feelings (and more, but that’s enough for here).

Can this be saved? Can you really help me?

The good news is that we use a style of therapy that’s been evolving (based on amazing research) for the past four decades (Gottman Method Couples Therapy, lookin’ at you). We’re well-trained, smart, and freaking passionate about what we do, so we can confidently say you’re in good hands. The other good news is that couples consistently navigate parenting differences and still have successful and happy relationships. Yes, you read that right. Parenting differences can still be present even in healthy and happy relationship. We call this little gem “perpetual conflict.” It’s expected and we know how to help you navigate it.

It’s probably too late for this, but worth mentioning that couples who spend time discussing their child rearing beliefs, values, and differences prior to having children often feel more prepared for when these differences arise later. Some couples do this and still feel out of alignment when rubber meets road. And still, there’s a significant amount of people don’t negotiate or discuss these topics prior to having children. And that’s okay!! What we want (and can help with) is for you and your partner to have ongoing discussions regarding differences, the state of your relationship, and your feelings towards parenting (and each other) throughout your relationship.

These partners often feel more connected to their partner.

This is where we can help.

We can help with navigating these difficult and emotionally-charged discussions. Having these discussions with a third party, with structure and intentionality, and in a safe environment can help with negotiating, compromising, and reconnecting with one another. There will always (yes, always) be differences, but how you approach them and empathize with each other can (and does) lead to a more satisfying relationship and better experience navigating parenting. We can help.

Okay, I’m interested. Now what?

We’re happy you’re interested! Now you can either email us directly with questions or to get scheduled or you can click the contact button below and submit your info via our contact form. You can also call us at 573-586-3204 (we’ll get back to you quickly if we don’t pick up). Any and all of the above are fine - it’s whatever you’re comfy with.

Thanks for sticking with us and, seriously, please let us know if you have any questions or want to get something on the books! We’re happy to help in whatever way we can.