Self-Esteem | Self-Worth
Individual Counseling and Therapy | Columbia, MO
“To attain “success” without attaining positive self-esteem is to be condemned to feeling like an impostor anxiously awaiting exposure.”
Self-Esteem: 101
When we talk and think about self-esteem, we’re really thinking about two main factors involved in self-esteem. In short, we’re talking about self-worth and self-efficacy.
What is self-worth?
The first factor we want to keep in mind is self-worth. Self-worth is how worthy or valuable you think you are. This can (and does) range from very worthy and love-able to extremely unlovable and unworthy.
Low self-worth might feel as though you don’t deserve to be given opportunities, or that you don’t deserve to be treated with kindness or to be given any forgiveness for real or perceived flaws (that can be inwardly directed, as well). The second factor we focus on is self-efficacy.
Okay, then, what’s self-efficacy?
Self-efficacy is your belief in your own abilities and capabilities. People with high self-efficacy have lots of faith that they can complete tasks, follow through with goals, make friends, and change their lives. On the other end, people with very low self-efficacy tend to feel hopeless and defeated, as though they can’t make a difference (or dent, really) in their life.
These two things, together, comprise self-esteem. Sometimes, there’s a mix and match–people may have high self-worth and low self-efficacy, or they may have high self-efficacy and low self-worth. Further still, some people have both low self-efficacy and self-worth, which usually means having lower self-esteem than the alternatives. Regardless of the combination, low self-esteem isn’t a pleasant experience. Some people can avoid it, but others can’t and it ends up taking over their internal state and emotional world as a persistent source of discomfort and stress.
What’s the big deal, though? Doesn’t everybody struggle with low self-esteem?
So, that’s a good question. And it’s a long-winded answer that we can try to shorten. It’s worth noting that our stance is built on the foundation that people deserve to live fulfilled, meaningful lives, period. And the thing that happens when low self-esteem is part of that life is a pernicious sense of feeling like you’re on the verge of being exposed or found out.
It’s like living a life where you’re waiting for the metaphorical shoe to drop and/or living a life where you don’t believe any positive feedback you’ve been given. You might think things like, “Sure, I got the promotion, but I didn’t work as hard as xyz. I just got it because (insert excuse).” Or you might have an innate belief that you’re undeserving of your partner’s affection or praise, and that they’re just saying nice things because they “have to.” Or you might gravitate towards people, podcasts, and books that are incessantly attempting to ‘build you up,’ but you can’t stop reading/watching/listening because then you start to feel empty again.
When people are living in a state of low self-esteem, they’re living in a state of (mostly) discomfort. And our goal is for people to shed that discomfort with a finality, rather than a fleeting band-aid. We work to actually repair your self-esteem so that you feel good more often than not.
I think I have low self-esteem. What should I do?
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Well, that’s simple enough. You’d come in for a session (or two) where we figure out which aspects of self-esteem you struggle with the most. We’d consider this the “assessment” portion of the work And “assessment” is in quotations because it’s not necessarily a formal process; it’s way more informal.
After (and during, really) the assessment phase, we spend time get super clear on what you want your life to look like (in a realistic way). Then, the fun part, we systematically work towards your goals. You’re provided with real-time, objective feedback and we work to strengthen and grow the self-esteem you already have (even if it’s only a little at the start). This is the same for both self-efficacy and self-worth.
I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m just insecure and/or feel inadequate.
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I would speculate that the two are related. If you’re a person who just feels slightly insecure, I would say that there’s something amiss with regards to low self-esteem. Whether it’s self-efficacy or self-worth, I don’t know. However, counseling can help you figure out which of the two it is and how to work through it (or them) for a more fulfilling, self-assured life.
I just have low confidence, not low self-esteem.
Again, hate to be “that” person, but the two are related. This is just another way that people talk about it. The reality is that it doesn’t matter the language you give it, the ‘issue’ remains the same. And that ‘issue’ is something that we can address in counseling and through dedicated work.
Okay, I get it. I think this is me. Is it possible to build self-esteem?
Absolutely it is! That’s the beauty of self-esteem. It’s malleable and mold-able and in a constant state of flux. It can be grown, strengthened, fertilized with self-love (<-cheesy, but there's some truth to it), and repaired–we can improve self-esteem through intentional work and dedication. It may sound simple, but there’s no guarantee it's easy.
Fiiiiine, I'm in. Now what?
Awesome! Here’s what you do next. Since you’re ready to start building your self-esteem, you can scope out our team to get a feel for who you’d like to work with and/or reach out to us via our contact page our contact page (or click the button below) to ask any questions you might have or get something on the schedule! We’re super happy you’re in this process–please don’t hesitate to reach out!