We're Not Talking
Couples Counseling | Columbia, MO
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
We’re not talking
“We just don't talk anymore.”
“It's like we don't spend time together with just us... there's so much else going on, it's hard to find the time.”
“I feel so disconnected from him/her.”
Does any of this sound familiar to you? It’s what we frequently hear when people come in for couples counseling. It’s not a fun place to be within a relationship. And not that the whole of your relationship needs to be “fun,” but this can be an especially lonely place to be. When people in relationships get into this rut, so to speak, it can take some time, intention, and energy to get out of it (not to mention feedback from an expert couples counselor!). It’s doable, of course, but it’s up to each of the people involved in the relationship.
We’re in couples counseling, but how’d we get into this rut?
Well, this isn’t necessarily a clear cut response (much like everything else). There’s not necessarily any one reason that people in relationships get stuck in this rut. It can be a result of going through the motions with one another, but not spending time engaging and connecting with one another. It can be a result of not being able to dialogue about conflict (i.e. don’t know how to fight effectively). It can be a result of being really busy with life and forgetting to attend to one another. It can be a result of growing resentment and spite which results in pulling back from your partner. It can be any of the above or more.
Is this really fixable? It feels overwhelming.
My short answer is yes and it depends. Yes because this work is effective and the approach (Gottman Method Couple Therapy) is highly supported by loads of couples and loads of research. Yes because if you and your partner want it to work, there’s a pretty good chance it will. Yes because of a million different other reasons that I don’t have the space or time for here. Ultimately, yes, feeling like you’re in a rut and not really connecting is fixable. Fixable for you, in particular? It depends.
Of course it depends. We don’t know you, we don’t know the specifics of your situation, and we don’t know how you'll respond to couples therapy. So, again, the other response to whether this is fixable is that it depends. The success of counseling depends on several factors. Arguably, one of the most important of those factors is each of your willingnesses to put the work into making changes. There are people who come through and aren’t willing to do the work (and thus don’t get a lot out of counseling) and then there are people who come through who are really engaged and willing to do the work. The success is better with the second group.
How can couples counseling help?
This is the beauty of couples counseling. It can serve a few different purposes.
It can break up the monotony of the routine you’re in.
It can give you new skills for interacting and communicating with each other.
It can give you specific tools and techniques for starting a conversation.
It can be a game (of sorts), which can be lighthearted rather than heavy.
It can facilitate more talking outside of the counseling sessions (it should do this).
It can help you figure out how to reconnect with one another if you’re feeling disconnected.
It can get you more engaged with one another if you’re withdrawing or stonewalling.
Okay, how do we get started with couples counseling?
Pretty simple, to be honest. You can reach out through the contact form or you can call! We’re looking forward to you reaching out and we’re sure that this process can be helpful for you.