Guilt | Shame
Individual Counseling & Therapy | Columbia, MO
“We’re often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes along with admitting mistakes.”
First and foremost, let’s not get guilt and shame confused. Lucky you, you’re in the right place for that clarity! First of all, our team is pretty dang awesome with both guilt and shame and, suffice it to say, they’re areas where we’re very comfortable doing individual counseling and therapy. Is it cheesy to say we feel lucky? Fortunate? Blessed, even? It probably is cheesy, but realistically, we still feel all of the above. Our point is that we’re happy you’re here, we’re not scared off by guilt and shame, and we also recognize how intense and defeating they can feel.
What, exactly, are guilt and shame?
These can be hard to tease apart, but there’s a simple way of clarifying. Guilt is the feeling you get when you’ve done something wrong. It’s basically the realization or belief that you’ve messed up and acted out of accordance with your own moral compass or that you’ve acted in a way that’s hurt somebody you care about. Shame, on the other hand, is the belief that you are wrong–that there’s something inherently flawed with you as a person which makes you unlovable or unworthy or valueless as a person. Both are distinctly uncomfortable to experience, but one is more pervasive than the other (big, big hint: it’s shame - shame is way more global than guilt).
An example of guilt might be something like I took something that didn’t belong to me and I feel bad about it, I am not a thief, but I was raised better than that and I know better and should have acted in a different way. While an example of shame might be something like I took something that didn’t belong to me and I am a terrible person who can’t make ethical decisions and I deserve the worst punishment available. You see the difference? Yes, the behavior is wrong, period, but the reaction to it is where we can differentiate between guilt and shame.
If it’s not already obvious, these two are very unpleasant feelings for most of us when they creep up. Nothing may drive a person to hide a secret, do something against their better judgement, or hinder personal growth than feeling guilt or shame. Realistically, most of us try to avoid these feelings at all costs (and understandably so).
Why does it matter if I deal with guilt or shame?
It can matter because it’s not uncommon that guilt and shame impact our self-concept and self-esteem. Basically, what we believe about ourselves informs a variety of things, including:
the way we treat ourselves;
the way we treat others;
how we perceive others treating us;
decisions we make moving forward (i.e., giving up before we even try).
Happiness and meaning are robbed from us when we actively sit in guilt and shame. Experiencing it is one thing, but being in it for longer than necessary (and not knowing how to get out) are entirely different. One is sort of normal and ‘healthy,’ while the other is just freaking awful.
When we feel excess amounts of guilt or shame, we also tend do things we normally wouldn’t. It’s almost like we try to hide in plain sight, in that we might attempt to “cover up” so that no one can see what we did or who we are. And while that might not seem like a big deal, when done in bulk, it’s soul crushing. Ultimately, not showing up as we are (in all our fallible and human glory) creates a less authentic way of living and it requires way more energy and effort. First of all, most people don’t have time to remember the person they’re supposed to act like they are, and secondly, it’s not fair (that’s a big duh, but worth saying). It’s, literally, unfair to yourself to hide who you are. It might feel safer, but the truth is that it’s hard and exhausting and takes so much more effort that it compromises other areas of your life (read: unfair to you).
How do I know if I struggle with guilt or shame? What are common “symptoms,” if you will?
Read through the list below to get a feel for whether or not guilt and shame sound familiar. Please note that this list, like many others you’ll read, isn’t really exhaustive. It’s a starting point.
Covering up our actions so that no one finds out what happened/what we did/what we said/how we feel
Lying or misleading someone about who we are/our values and beliefs
Thinking excessively about what you feel guilty over, what you could have done differently, or questioning why you chose to do what you did
Trying to make up for whatever it is that you feel guilty for (even if there’s no reason to feel guilty)
Doing mental gymnastics to excuse a perceived flawed behavior
Blaming someone else or trying to get them to make you feel better (“if only they would…”)
Symptoms of anxiety such as shaking, stuttering or fumbling with language, sweating, increasing heart rate, feeling hot or nauseous
Feeling on the verge of being “found out” even if you didn’t do anything wrong
Symptoms of shame and guilt can be similar. Really, they’re about having preoccupied thoughts, feeling anxious, and modifying behavior to make up for some perceived slight or flaw. Shame also shows up in how we talk to ourselves, which directly impacts our self-concept and self-esteem. Our self-talk is the stuff we tell ourselves inside our own heads. For example, if your self-talk is defeating and destructive, such as “I’m not worth loving,” then you might inadvertently (or purposefully) sabotage a relationship because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not worthy. Further still, you might find yourself letting others behave a certain way but not giving yourself the same freedom or space. As in, being okay with your friend bailing on dinner because she’s working overtime, but berating yourself and thinking of yourself as a “terrible person” because you did something similar.
Long and short of it is that people tend to think they can ignore shame and guilt, but the reality is far different. They cannot be ignored. Sure, you can act like they don’t exist, but they show up in the way you live your life, the relationships you have, the way you treat yourself and others, and the physical symptoms you feel.
How does counseling/therapy help?
When you enter into individual counseling and therapy and guilt or shame shows up, we need to first forewarn you that you’re probably going to feel uncomfortable. The idea of bringing up something that you’ve been trying to avoid is, in a word, terrifying. We get that. And maybe that all goes without saying, but it feels important to say, regardless.
So, here’s the deal. When they do show up (not for everybody, but they’re common), one of the first things you should expect from your counselor is normalizing and validating your experience.
By normalizing, we don’t mean that we want you to “be” normal (we want you to be whoever you are, whether that’s “normal” or not–and what even is normal?!). What we mean is that we want to highlight that you’re not alone. Normalizing an experience is helping people to see that it’s universal and not isolated. All of us (barring a very rare few) feel guilt and shame. It’s a human experience. When kept shrouded in secrecy, we end up feeling worse.
And by validating, we mean that we want you to feel understood in a very deep way. We don’t want to pay lip service to “oh, we get it” and move on, we want to actually get a feel for your stance, process, and experience in such a way that you feel deeply understood and seen. This is absolutely tied in with us being able to accurately empathize with you, also. We have to actually be able to see something from your shoes and we legit try to feel what it’s like so that we can deeply understand. Interestingly, it can be so damn hard to be in that space for people, but, ironically enough, it’s one of the most healing parts of counseling.
Secondly, we want to drill down into what’s going on. Basically, helping you to figure out if what you’re feeling is guilt or shame and then going from there. If guilt, then we’d want to help you get clear on whether the guilt is related to a thing you did, a belief you have, an action you took, or something else entirely. This entails an inspection of your inner world, even if it seems ‘easy’ in writing. If you feel guilty for saying ‘no,’ for example, then an inspection of your inner world might bring to light a value for being the “fixer” amongst all friends and family (and strangers). Obviously, there’s something noble in that, but if it’s consistently coupled with guilt and a lack of having any time, space, or energy for yourself (and especially if that’s what got you into counseling), then it’s worth digging into and figuring out alternatives.
If it’s shame you’re dealing with, the route looks similar-ish, but it’s not quite the same. Like we talked about earlier, shame can be a pervasive sense of ‘being wrong’ in the world. This isn’t always about your thoughts or a thing you’ve done; rather, it can be more deeply connected to things that have gone unsaid out loud. Sometimes people don’t even realize what they believe until they start to talk out loud (<-yes, seriously, this is super common)!
For example, if “I’m not worth loving” is a fundamental belief you have, then our work isn’t going to necessarily be about ‘fixing’ this thing. It might be a slow and sometimes painful process of digging into the origins of the belief, feeling the pain while simultaneously cultivating new parts of oneself, actively turning towards the thing that scares you most so that you take back your power, and owning what it is to be truly human–all of this (and more, this just scratches the surface) can be healing. It might sound esoteric or abstract, but it’s not for us (your counselor or therapist). It’s sacred work, for sure, but not outside of what we know how to do. We do this work consistently without ourselves and with our clients (and we love it).
I’m interested. Still a little overwhelmed and terrified, but interested.
Good. That’s the funny thing about guilt and shame–they make us feel alone, but they’re so, so, so human. We’d even argue that to feel them is what makes us human. To clarify, feeling something doesn’t mean living in it endlessly, it means having space for it to pass through without overwhelming us or dictating our lives.
If you’re nodding along with this and interested in counseling and therapy for guilt or shame, then just click the button below and we can help you out. You can also submit your information via our contact form or give us a call at (573) 586-3204. We’re happy to either answer any questions you might have or get you set up with the clinician of your choice. Coming in for counseling and therapy can be hard, to say the least, and we so appreciate your time and energy.