Criticism–Horsemen 1/4
Last week, we spent some time just talking about the four horsemen (of relationships). How they’re terrible for successful, happy, long-term relationships and how they predict relationship dissolution.
And that’s important because I’m assuming you’re reading this based on things not going splendidly (#nojudgment).
First, let me say, welcome to the club! Our team specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling in Columbia Missouri, and some of us specialize, even more specifically, in the Gottman Method.
The first of the four horsemen
The first of the four horsemen is criticism. Although don’t trick yourself into thinking this one always pops up first. It doesn’t. Although it’s a pretty common horseman (and don’t worry, we’ll talk about all four here and during couples counseling).
For the record, criticism isn’t the most predictive of relationship dissolution, but it does feed into conversations going poorly. When conversations start with criticism, they frequently continue down the horsemen path and end unpleasantly (read: shitty communication or conflict and fighting. Thus the importance of recognizing this one and heading it off at the pass.
Criticism takes a few forms, but often sounds like, “You’re selfish, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, (or) thoughtless.” To further on that, “You don't think about me, you only think about yourself, (or) you’re always putting yourself first no matter what I want or say.”
CRITICISMS ARE ATTACKS ON YOUR PARTNER’S CHARACTER.
Let’s take Joe and Judy, for example. Joe promised to unload the dishwasher before Judy got home, but then got sidetracked by something (or maybe just forgot). Judy gets home and has two options for addressing this thing. Her standard is criticism. So she says something like, “Ugh, Joe. What the hell? You never do what you say you’re going to and you don’t care how it affects me. You’re so selfish!”
You think that’s well received?
My guess is no.
Another option is for Judy to say, “Hey Joe, what happened? I’m a little bit let down because you promised to unload the dishwasher and didn’t follow through. I feel burdened by a lot of other things right now and just want that taken off my plate. Can you please help me out?”
Whether the ‘healthier’ way of expressing oneself is well received or not is to be determined (by many other factors, actually), but it comes across as way less accusatory and way less critical, while still voicing unhappiness with the situation.
Think of it this way. If the goal is to be heard (even when voicing anger), then the language we use and the way we voice our frustration should (in an ideal world) be intentional. AND should be done in a way that actually can be received as a complaint and frustration rather than a criticism.
I think it goes without saying that this is much easier said than done. It’s hard to be intentional about the way we talk when we’re angry, and it’s even harder to snap out of the criticism-defensiveness dance (nowhere near as fun as the cha-cha slide, by the way). And as I’m typing, I’m realizing that it’s not easier said than done, it’s just like anything else–easier done with practice and feedback. Actually, much easier with practice! It’s very doable.
We’ll talk about defensiveness next. Keep an eye out for your own horsemen, though. Take stock of whether you tend to use criticism and notice how changing up the way you approach something can impact the way the conversation goes!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Tara Vossenkemper earned her PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from the University of Missouri–Saint Louis (ranked second in the nation for all counselor education programs), and earned her Master of Arts in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented at regional and national conferences on the topics of ethnic and racial discrimination, sexual minority distress, working with intimate relationships, and spirituality, and is does light business consulting (for practice owners) on the side.
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from emotional and behavioral to eating disorders, anxiety, spirituality, and existential crises. However, she specializes (and is most passionate about) couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples who want to decrease toxic conflict and increase the effectiveness and safety within conflict, relearn how to communicate with each other in effective ways (and where each partner feels understood), or who feel very disconnected and want to give their relationship one last shot.
Tara has completed Level 3 training in the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Level 1, Level 2, and Level 3). She has also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. In addition to the formal training, Tara’s dissertation was focused on relationship satisfaction and detracting factors. Tara was a former regular contributor to the American Counseling Association blog (you can read her work here) and is currently serving as the President Elect-Elect for the American Counseling Association of Missouri.
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