Defensiveness–Horsemen 2/4
And we’re back!
Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they’re not in sequential order, although it’s not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling).
How does defensiveness feel?
Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.
Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?
If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!
You've officially experienced defensiveness.
The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.
How does defensiveness show up?
The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the “blame game” (i.e. “You did that!” “Well that’s because you did this?” “But that’s only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!”), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, “always” or “never” statements, or even being a righteous victim (“I would never do that thing you did!”).
Ugh. It’s exhausting even typing.
You’re not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a ‘default’ horseman. For some people, it’s this. For others, it’s criticism. For others still, it’s stonewalling or contempt. We’ll get to those soon enough!
When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That’s it. Although, much like everything else we’ve been talking about, easier said than done.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Tara Vossenkemper earned her PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from the University of Missouri–Saint Louis (ranked second in the nation for all counselor education programs), and earned her Master of Arts in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented at regional and national conferences on the topics of ethnic and racial discrimination, sexual minority distress, working with intimate relationships, and spirituality, and is does light business consulting (for practice owners) on the side.
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from emotional and behavioral to eating disorders, anxiety, spirituality, and existential crises. However, she specializes (and is most passionate about) couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples who want to decrease toxic conflict and increase the effectiveness and safety within conflict, relearn how to communicate with each other in effective ways (and where each partner feels understood), or who feel very disconnected and want to give their relationship one last shot.
Tara has completed Level 3 training in the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Level 1, Level 2, and Level 3). She has also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. In addition to the formal training, Tara’s dissertation was focused on relationship satisfaction and detracting factors. Tara was a former regular contributor to the American Counseling Association blog (you can read her work here) and is currently serving as the President Elect-Elect for the American Counseling Association of Missouri.
Address
The Counseling Hub, LLC
2804 Forum Blvd., Ste 4
Columbia, MO 65203
Contact Information
p | (573)586-3204
f | (573) 313-3528
e | contact@thecounselinghub.com
Hours
Admin/Ops Team | Monday - Friday: 10a - 3p
*Clinical hours are by appointment only, Sunday - Friday
We have both clinical hours, or the times when our clinical team sees clients, and admin hours, or the times when our admin team is available via call or email.
