The Counseling Hub
Schedule today | 573-586-3204
photo-1446511437394-36cdff3ae1b3.jpeg

Blog

The Counseling Hub

Here's what's on our mind...

Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4

And we're back!

Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way.

couples therapy, marriage counseling, relationship counselling, relationship counseling, therapist near me, counselor near me, couples therapist near me, couples therapy near me, the counseling hub, couples therapy columbia mo, marriage counseling columbia mo, relationship counselor columbia mo, gottman, four horsemen, criticism, tara vossenkemper, tim fitzpatrick, the counseling hub, the counseling hub columbia, defensiveness, gottman columbia mo, four horsemen gottman, gottman four horsement

Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.

Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?

If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!

You've officially experienced defensiveness.

The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.

The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").

Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.

You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!

When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidote. The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.