Online Counseling for Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling

Can online counseling and therapy work?

Ah, the heart of the issue. Short answer? YES. A thousand times yes. Online counseling and therapy absolutely works. We’ll get more into it working for couples therapy and marriage counseling (one of our specialties!) in just a minute, but it still feels important to clarify that it’s effective, period.

To reiterate: online counseling and therapy works for couples, marriages, and those in relationships!! It’s not just for people seeking out individual counseling and therapy; it’s for all types of folks. If you want to get really fancy, we can even talk about online group counseling, but let’s bypass that for right now and focus on why you’re here.

Why would I do online counseling and therapy?

I mean, this is a fantastic question and my answer is that it depends. You could want to do online counseling and therapy for a variety of reasons, none of which overlap. For some people, their schedule is way inflexible and/or they’re working excessive hours right now, and online is the only way to squeeze in counseling/therapy. Valid.

For others, they’re doing long-distance for the time being (or long-term) and know that they won’t be in the same place on a consistent enough basis that they can make it into an office together with any semblance of consistency. Also valid.

For another group, they’re physically unable to get themselves to the practice setting, whether for lack of mobility (i.e., one car household, no public transport) or physical discomfort, and so they opt for doing the work from the comfort of their own home. Still valid.

For an entirely different group, they might just prefer seeing a clinician online. Also entirely valid.

The reasons changes from person to person, but the reality is that some folks simply want to (or need to) do online counseling and therapy. No shame in that game. As we’ve already discussed, highly effective.

How does online counseling and therapy work?

Another stellar question. There’s the technical answer, but there’s also the emotional answer.

Technically speaking, it works in much the same way a simple video call works. You’ve probably facetimed a friend before, used skype to connect with a long-distance relative, or even booted up zoom for a work meeting or two.

It’s pretty much the same thing.

We get you hooked up with a HIPAA-compliant (read: secure) platform and then your counselor (from our counseling team #biased #lovethem) will initiate a video call with you at the time of your scheduled session. Super easy. We’d recommend having three things.

1. internet connection (although you can also use the video through an app (which is useful if you don’t have internet connection for some reason)

2. headphones (optional, not required)

3. privacy (i.e., don’t do couples therapy or marriage counseling in your local coffee shop)

Boom. Easy, right?

On an emotional level? Also much the same as in-person sessions. You can expect a few things, not least of which includes:

• a supportive, validating space for your experience, thoughts, feelings, and opinions

• judgment-free feedback to help you reflect on yourself and your tendencies

• emotional safety and affirmation

• collaborative treatment and constructive help for evolving and moving forward in your life (*fun note that moving forward does not equal constant, linear growth)

This list is not exhaustive, but it’s a starting point. Counseling and therapy is so damn beautiful. I also just realized that you can learn more about who we are and what we value through, literally, reading about our core practice values. That might give you even more of a sense of who we are and how we operate.

Okay, but how does online counseling and therapy work for couples therapy and marriage counseling?

The technical aspect of this remains similar to the above. You’d need some way to connect with video, internet connection, and privacy. The video is covered for you via our awesome platform that we use. The internet connection is something we can’t do for you (we would if we could!). And the privacy is also on you, if you’re opting for online work. Also, no headphones in this case, since there will be more than one of you on the call.

And emotionally? Also similar to the above. You’ll be asked to self-reflect, share about your internal state of being, collaboratively and constructively seek to evolve and change as a person, and be given feedback in a way that should push you, but not overwhelm you.

Online couples therapy and marriage counseling, in particular, looks different than individual online counseling, though. If you want a way more detailed version, you might be more interested to read this overview of what you can expect from couples therapy work, but I’ll still hit the highlights for you right here.

Here are a few things you can expect from online couples therapy and marriage counseling:

1. a thorough assessment (way the hell important for understanding what’s actually going on in your relationship - cannot be overstated)

2. discussions with your partner rather than through your counselor/therapist (your counselor/therapist isn’t your interpreter; they’ll teach you how to do it, but then will help you navigate rather than direct every move)

3. learning specific techniques and interventions (helpful for transitioning what you’re learning into your home environment)

4. catching relationship killers (i.e., the four horsemen)

And that’s basically it! It’s so hard to capture what couples therapy and marriage counseling is like via writing. To explain something that’s so nuanced and specific to each relationship is like trying to catch a gallon of rain with one bucket. Lots of drops, but it just takes some time to reach the goal.

What should I look for in a couples therapist and marriage counselor?

Honestly, this is one of my favorite questions because couples and marriage work is a specialty. You should not just go to anybody who says, “sure, I see couples!” without actually vetting them, their experience and training, their supervision, and the types of marriages and couples they work with.

Case in point. Any person who is licensed in the state of Missouri can say they do couples therapy and marriage counseling. I hate to break it to you, but this is true. And to some extent, there’s truth to it. We’ve got some education under our belts when we shift into prelicensed or fully licensed mode (post-masters work, basically), and so we can say that we work with xyz populations.

However, somebody saying they work with couples and marriages doesn’t actually mean that they specialize in this work or that they have advanced training in it.

What you want to look for is people who take a special, vested interest in the couples therapy and marriage counseling route.

These folks are going to have:

1. additional training in a couples therapy approach (Gottman Method Couples Therapy is our preferred approach and hiiiiiighly effective/backed by a crap-ton of research)

2. a special passion/interest/affinity for couples therapy

3. experience with your particular couples therapy/marriage counseling issue (i.e., affairs or infidelity; excessive, toxic, or nonexistent conflict; communication breakdowns)

You’ll be able to hear their love for what they do when they talk about it. You should also be able to grasp what it is they’re saying and how it directly relates to you and your partner. The reality is that this is a big deal. Couples therapy and marriage counseling is a last resort for many people, and making sure you find the right person is suuuuper important.

Does Gottman Method Couples Therapy work through online counseling?

If you haven’t gotten the theme of this blog yet, YES!! Yes, Gottman Method works through online counseling.

This is our preferred method for couples therapy and marriage counseling. For a variety of reasons, but let’s just say that it’s one of the best approaches for couples/marriage work, is highly research based, tends to give people relief because it offers a deep understanding of what’s going on in the relationship, and it’s simple (not always easy!!!) to implement outside of sessions.

Reach out if you have any questions about online couples therapy and marriage counseling!

Seriously, you can always email us directly with any questions you have, read more about online counseling (in general), or submit any queries you have via our contact form by clicking the button below. We’re happy to answer any questions we can and get you hooked up with the right person for your counseling/therapy work. Be well and happy counseling!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Individual Counselor & Therapist, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor | Columbia, Mo

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and practicing counselor/therapist with The Counseling Hub with a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision (earned from the nationally recognized UM - Saint Louis counselor education program). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara has also presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice. 

Sustaining Change When I Have Let Myself Down

How to Sustain Change When I Have Let Myself Down

It’s about that time of year where most people have fallen off the band wagon of their New Year’s resolution, got back on, and fell off again. Some common feelings when you have let yourself down is to feel like a failure, disappointed, frustrated, guilty, ashamed, or regret. You may be telling yourself that if you were more dedicated, if you were a better person, or if you really cared about your changes you would stick with them. Maybe some of that’s true, but most of the time people start with intention of finishing. Think about it: have you ever started something by saying to yourself I will just do half of this thing I really want to do and then tell myself I am not *insert negative self-talk here*. I don’t think so. So what stops people from finishing things they have started? Time, energy, mental space, emotional space, falling into old habits, familiarity, really the list is endless. What happens when you’ve let yourself down and you want to try to commit to a life change again? How can you overcome your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors to reach your goal? The first step; forgiveness of past failures.

Pre- goal setting: Forgiveness and trouble shooting

The first step in achieving what you want to achieve after you’ve made attempts which didn’t get you where you wanted is to allow forgiveness to yourself for not meeting your mark. Much easier said than done- right?! Here is one way to simplify this process.

First, get a piece of paper. Write down what you would say to your best friend if they were in your situation. You might tell them that they tried really hard, that they are strong, that they can achieve anything they set their mind to, that doing it perfectly (or the first time) isn’t always a reality.

Next, find a mirror and read it to yourself. Don’t miss this step. You really need to tell yourself that perfection doesn’t exist. That you are human, and as humans we let others down every once in a while- this includes yourself.

Third step, do step two repeatedly, or have someone else read the note to you. Telling yourself these thoughts- with out countering them with negative self-talk- can lead to forgiveness for yourself.

Remember, this is just one way you can start forgiving yourself! If you are having deep trouble with self-forgiveness, it may be beneficial to talk to a counselor for some one-on-one talk-therapy.

After you feel that you have forgiven yourself it’s important to evaluate why the goal may have flopped. Ask yourself what went well? What did not go so well? At what point did I start to fall off the beaten path? Reflecting over your goals; both the ones that worked and ones that didn’t will allow you to trouble shoot what happened and can give you insight for future goal setting.

Setting SMART Goals

The actual setting of goals is going to be one of the most helpful things on the follow through. That may sound like a “duh” but setting goals can be difficult. Say your end goal is to be happier; where would you even begin? That is where SMART goals come in. First off, you need to identify what being happier means!

S is for specific!

This is what we were trying to hone in on when we said we wanted to be happier. Does being happier mean that you stay away from toxic people? Does it mean that you eat green foods at every meal so that your mood improves? Does it mean that you go to couples counseling because you notice you feel more depressed after a big fight with your partner? A goal must be specific in order to even know what it is that you should be working on or looking out for.

Specific goals are ones that zero in on what exactly you are wanting. For example, being happier may mean spending more time with you pets, less anxiety, spending less time at work, decreasing marital conflict, or exercising more. For sake of consistency, we will choose to improve our happiness by decreasing marital conflict.

The M in SMART goals stands for measurable. How the heck are you supposed to know if you have made any progress if you have no way to measure to track? Think about our happiness goal. You decided you wanted to increase your happiness by decreasing martial conflict so now you must learn how to measure that.

First, you would want to get a baseline (figure out what you’re current conflict rate is). Measuring could be done several ways; how many times you felt defeated after a disagreement, how many times you raised your voice beyond regular talking, how many times you used a horseman (i.e., criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness). Once you get an idea of how frequently the behavior or feeling occurs, you can set your goal to reflect the change you want to see.

Let’s say you use criticism during every conflict and this horseman shows up 100% of the time. What would you like to see your criticism rate be, 50%? 25%? 10%? Ideally zero, however, we will go with 50% to start with. That means that you will need to reduce your critical statements to half of what you were doing previously. Measuring is a good way to keep track so your goal does not feel so overwhelming or intimidating.

A stands for achievable!

Once you have set your specific and measurable goal you must ask yourself, is this an achievable goal? How will you know if communication has increased? Think of it this way: if you are using criticism 100% of the time- that’s in every argument you have- would you realistically be able to drop to zero percent immediately? This could depend on how long you were stuck in this conflict pattern, however, generally speaking, you probably would want to shoot for the 50% or 25% range to begin with and work your way from there.

Making goals achievable will allow you to feel like you are not fighting an up-hill battle which can lead to more goal compliance. Another example is when individuals want to begin exercising. If a person who has a desk job wants to run a 5k and run the entire way but does not train and has never ran a 5k before is highly unlikely to achieve their goal. When this person doesn’t achieve their goal is when they may begin to have negative self-talk and doubt their ability to ever achieve this goal.

R stands for relevant. What about your goal makes it important to you? If you don’t care much about the outcome of your goal it’s probably fair to say that your motivation will fall off very quickly. I think it’s important that the goal is important to you for reasons you have, not for reasons of others. For example, you want to run a 5k because it’s on your bucket list, not because your friends are telling you to. Circling back to our conflict example, if you find yourself feeling depressed after arguments with your partner, then investing in constructive conflict is relevant. Another thing to ask yourself is if your goal is important to right now. You may want to improve your conflict, however, if your partner is out of the country on business it may not be the best time to start marital work.

T stands for time-bound. This means that the goal has a time limit. For instance, in six weeks you want to have reduced the criticism you display in conflict from 100% to 25% and at 12-weeks you want to reduce your 25% rate to 10%. Goals need a time frame so that you can hold yourself accountable and not use the preverbal “I’ll start that on Monday” line all diet and exercisers know all too well. Time limits also allow individuals to monitor progress.

Another piece of advice; set intermittent goals. Some goals may feel overwhelming when thinking about the big picture, which can lead to pre-mature quitting. If your goal is to run a 5k, you may need to begin by walking it first without taking a break. Once you hit that goal then you can set the goal of running for a quarter of a mile, then a mile, and continue the smaller goals until you are able to achieve your larger goal. Small successes can lead to big changes!

Put it all Together!

In summary, the first part of trying to achieve a goal that you’ve let yourself down before is forgiving yourself. This includes your self-talk being forgiving and allowing yourself to make mistakes. Once you have a solid foundation of acceptance of your mistakes or flaws you can begin by reflecting on what went wrong and well during previous goal setting/execution. Once you have a clear understanding of this you are ready to implement SMART goals. Be sure that your goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Using this method will help narrow in on what exactly it is you’re trying to achieve as well as how to get there. Finally, setting smaller goals inside your larger goal is a great way to not overwhelm yourself in what feels like an unattainable goal. Using SMART goals is a guide to help you achieve your goals, especially the ones you have let yourself down from!

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 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | Couples & Individual Counseling Intern

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and couples, and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a counseling intern at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings and completed additional training on LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

8 Reasons Counseling is Not the Same as Friendship

This is a comment and question we get frequently. "Isn't counseling just like having a friend?"

No, no, no, no, and nope (for good measure).

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. Probably because I hear people say things like, “I’m good at telling people what to do. I’m basically a counselor,” or, “My friends always ask my advice. I pretty much do counseling.”  As a counselor educator (one who trains future counselors) and counselor in private practice, I need to clarify why this is inaccurate.

*Just because it's not a friendship doesn't mean there aren't high levels of care and comraderie in the counseling office. We very much care for our clients and sometimes wish we could be friends outside of sessions! But we can't!!

In short, counseling and friendship are not the same thing. Also, as a side note, I could go on and on and on about this, so I’ll keep the rationales brief. :)

Your Friend is Not Your Counselor

1. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not.
   Long and short of this is that your counselor isn’t going to cry on your shoulder about the problems they’re going through (like divorce, death, confusion about career, depression, loneliness, etc.). That’s because it’s our job (and we LOVE IT) to put our clients first. While you might know what goes on in your counselor’s life, you’re paying for time to work through and process your own issues. We respect that and it should be your time completely. Not to mention there are ethical issues against counselors disclosing too much to clients. That’s boring to talk about, though (even if important for counselors to know).
   

2. Counseing is confidential.
   This is such a serious thing for a counselor. Basically, we’re not allowed to talk about you or the details of your problem with anybody. There are some exceptions and stipulations (like consultation or reporting child abuse, among others), but long and short of it is that we’re not going to your other friends to ask the what they think about the things you’ve told us!
   

3. Counselors are as objective as possible.
   The beauty in counselors is that we don’t feel obligated or compelled to withhold information or thoughts or feedback on the basis of it might hurt your feelings. Obviously (I hope obviously, anyway), we’re not setting out to say horrible things and hurt your feelings intentionally. My point is that we’re compelled to point out hard truths, or at least ask questions about hard truths that your friends might not feel comfortable asking.
   

4. Counselors don’t “give advice.”
   Look, if you’re looking for an answer, then you’re coming to the wrong place. If you want to know, “Should I do x or y?!” from your counselor, you’re screwed. Your counselor should not tell you what to do. What we do, instead, is help you to figure out what decision makes the most sense for you, in your life, with your relationships and feelings and experiences. Barring certain situations (domestic violence, for example), how on earth would your counselor know what’s best for you? In short, your friends might tell you exactly what they think you should do. Your counselor should not.
   

5. Counselors are trained to listen to what you’re not saying.
   This sounds silly, but it’s true. We’re trained to listen to what’s not being said. Friends don’t really do that. They tend to listen to what’s being said and directly respond to it. For example, if Susie wants to leave her husband, Frank, and she tells her friend, her friend might say, “Whatever makes you happy, Susie. You haven’t seemed happy lately!” And that’s a supportive friend - we get it. But if Susie says that to her counselor, her counselor is going to ask a shit-ton of questions about a variety of factors that might be influencing her decision, as well as underlying feelings and the meaning of such decisions (again, thinks that aren’t necessarily said out loud without prompting).
   

6. Counselors don’t take it personal when you do what you want (as you should).
   Counselors know that what you decide to do is your responsibility, as well as your life!! We don’t take it personal when a client does whatever they want to do with their life, even if the client makes the same mistake they’ve made in their past three relationships and has been working on said issue for past four months. It’s not that we don’t care - we do. We care way too much sometimes. It’s just that we know people are people and each person (read: client) has their life to live. Mistakes are part of that and not personal attacks on us. Friends might not take it the same way.
   

7. You won’t hold back (as much) information from your counselor.
   I don’t know about you, but I’m ridiculously more forthcoming about things with my counselor than I am with my friends. Again, time-limited and intense discussion is expected. That said, I dive right in. That’s not the case with all friendships, but that’s totally expected with a counselor, and that expectation can make a world of difference.
   

8. Your friend thinks they want to know everything, but they probably don’t.
   This sounds weird, but it’s true. Some things, we just don’t want to know about our friends. You might not want to know that Susie is questioning leaving Frank. You might not want to know that Tori is struggling with sexual identity. You might not want to know that Dale was sexually abused as a child. Some information forever changes our perception of a person, and some people feel forever seen in a different light (and hate it). It’s worth noting that as lovely and warm as your friends probably are, not everybody wants to know everything (possibly).
   

That’s all. Phew. Long list with lots of typing. I probably could expand on each of these, but that’s surely enough for now. Questions? Reach out! Want to schedule? Contact us here! 

Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen | Antidotes

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?! 

Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point! 

Four Horsemen Recap

Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).

The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.

You see what I mean?

It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).

SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.

The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!

Show Me The Antidotes!!

Short version is this:

criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs

Super easy, right? #winkyface

Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!

From Criticism to Gentle Startup

With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.

• State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
• Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
• THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”

Taking Responsibility

With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.

It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.

Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall

With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.

Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.

The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.

Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt

Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”

Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.

Contempt - Horsemen 4/4

The Four Horsemen | Contempt

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi). 

Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.

Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.

PHEW. 

Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.

Contempt - What is it?!

In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.

It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.

Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience. 

I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!

Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.

The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.

Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...

Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up. 

It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults. 

Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs. 

Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small. 

There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.

I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens. 

If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members. 

Signs You Could Benefit from Counseling

if you’ve been thinking about individual counseling or marriage counseling, but aren’t really sure if you need it, then this is the post for you. And I’m in the mood for short and sweet, so here we go!

1.  You've been thinking about counseling on and off for longer than six months. I say this with love and affection, but do it already!! Sometimes, we can figure life out on our own (enough that we don’t feel completely off), but sometimes we need to sit and talk with an objective  listener. If you’ve been grappling with something and thinking about counseling for longer than six months, it’s probably time to get in the door. 
    
2. You've tried to “fix” the problem every way you know how and it’s not working . This ties in with the objective listener piece. You've talked to friends, your pastor, your family, strangers, Reddit feeds, and everybody else you can think of. You still can't seem to figure out how to process through/work through/"fix" the problem you're having.
    
3. You keep distracting yourself from feeling unhappy. After you've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it, you've decided to stay, "screw it" and have just started spending time trying to avoid thinking about it. It's worked for a little while, but isn't a long-term solution.

And there you have it, folks. There are just a handful of reasons that it might be time to get off your couch at home and on the couch in our comfy office! Start the process by contacting us here!

As a little fun factoid, it's interesting to note that it takes couples (not sure about individuals) an average of six years (SIX YEEEEEEARS) to get into the door from the time they start thinking/talking about getting into counseling. That's six years of time that we can't get back, as well as six years we could be getting out of poor communication habits and into ones that contribute to relationship health and longevity. Super interesting, isn't it?!

Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4

The Four Horsemen | Defensiveness

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And we're back!

Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling). 

How does defensiveness feel?

Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.

Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?

If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!

You've officially experienced defensiveness.

The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.

How does defensiveness show up?

The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").

Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.

You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!

When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.