Strengthening Your Relationship: The Benefits of Marriage Counseling with The Counseling Hub in Jefferson City, Missouri

Photo by Hannah Stevens: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-blue-kissing-woman-on-forehead-3724031/

What is Marriage Counseling and Why is it Important?

Marriage counseling, also known as couples therapy, is a form of therapy that focuses on improving communication and resolving conflicts between partners in a committed relationship. It can be an effective way to strengthen a relationship, overcome challenged (like unhealthy conflict), and prevent divorce.

In fact, studies have shown that couples who attend marriage counseling are more likely to stay together and have a happier, healthier relationship. #HoorayyyyResearch!!

Benefits of Marriage Counseling: Improved Communication, Conflict Resolution, and More

One of the primary benefits of marriage counseling is improved communication. Many couples struggle with expressing their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. Worse than that, these hurts can build up over time and, if left unaddressed, wreak havoc on the satisfaction and health of the people within the relationship.

Marriage counseling can help couples learn how to communicate effectively, listen actively, and understand each other's perspectives. This can (and often does) lead to a deeper connection and a stronger bond between partners, as well as enhanced understanding, intimacy, and, most importantly, more happiness and satisfaction with the relationship.

Another benefit of marriage counseling is conflict resolution.

Every relationship has its share of disagreements and conflicts, but it's how those conflicts are handled that can make or break the relationship.

Marriage counseling can help couples learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy and productive way, without resorting to name-calling, blaming, or other destructive behaviors (four horsemen, we’re looking at you). This can lead to a more peaceful and harmonious relationship.

Addressing Underlying Issues: How Marriage Counseling Can Help with Mental Health Challenges

Marriage counseling can also help couples identify and address underlying issues that may be affecting their relationship. For example, if one partner is struggling with anxiety or depression, it can impact the relationship in a negative way. Marriage counseling can help identify these issues and provide strategies for coping and managing them in a way that is supportive of the relationship.

The Counseling Hub: A Trusted Resource for Couples in Jefferson City, Missouri

If you're looking for a marriage counselor in Jefferson City, Missouri, The Counseling Hub is an excellent resource. The Counseling Hub is a team of licensed therapists who specialize in working with couples and families. They offer a variety of services, including individual counseling, couples counseling, and group therapy.

You might still be wondering, “will counseling work for me?” It’s cool if you are - we’re no stranger to doubt and understand that trusting this process (and finding a clinician) are radical acts of vulnerability.

Evidence-Based Therapies: How The Counseling Hub Uses Research-Backed Techniques to Help Couples

One of the benefits of working with us is our focus on evidence-based therapies. We use research-backed techniques and interventions to help couples achieve their goals and improve their relationship. This includes techniques such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy, which has been shown to be highly effective in improving communication and resolving conflicts in couples.

A Safe and Supportive Environment: Why The Counseling Hub is a Great Choice for Couples Seeking Counseling

Photo by Marcelo Chagas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-men-holding-hands-1784281/

In addition to our specialization and expertise in couples therapy, we also offers a supportive and non-judgmental environment (this is a must). Our therapists understand that seeking counseling can be a difficult and vulnerable experience, and we strive to create a safe space for their clients to explore feelings, increase vulnerability, and work through challenges.

Strengthening Your Relationship with Marriage Counseling from The Counseling Hub.

Overall, marriage counseling can be a valuable tool for couples who are struggling with communication, conflict resolution, or other issues in their relationship. By working with a licensed therapist, couples can learn new skills, gain new perspectives, and strengthen their bond.

If you're in Jefferson City, Missouri, consider reaching out to The Counseling Hub for support and guidance on your journey towards a happier, healthier relationship.

Online Counseling for Infidelity

For most of history, therapy has been viewed as primarily an in-person experience. It was one where you would schedule an appointment via phone, drive to the office, and sit in a waiting area until your name(s) are called. You would shake hands with a (hopefully) caring and warm therapist who would direct you into their office and offer you a seat. Although you might be nervous, you know that you need to be here. Especially, if you’ve just discovered (or your partner has discovered) an affair. Being in a therapist’s office after the discovery of infidelity can feel like a couple of different things.

It could feel like a safe haven where the therapist will see your horrible shame and vouch that your partner should believe your recommitment.

It could feel like relief to know that you are going to be helped or told what to do to “fix” it (which is not exactly what we do).

Or, it could feel like you are voluntarily walking into a hell that you cannot escape for an hour (or 90-minutes) while hoping that your angry partner will eventually lose steam and everything will be okay again.

Then again, it might feel like a giant waste of time because you haven’t decided if you want to continue in the relationship or not, which is where discernment counseling might come in handy. Any of these feelings or situations are common. Again, what is certain, is that if there’s chance of salvaging the relationship, or healing in the most efficient way possible, then you need to be in therapy.

Many people fall into one small problem: showing up to a counselor’s office isn’t an option right now, for whatever reason. Maybe you or your partner travel for work and are gone for most weeks out of the year. It could be possible you can only do late evenings or weekends and the office building is locked down at that time. Maybe you have children and it’s not possible to drive into the office or there is no one to come to the house to watch the kids. For the most common right now, maybe there is a global pandemic occurring and counselors are only seeing clients via telehealth. Whatever it may be, you can still do the work. You can still reap the benefits of in person therapy during this difficult time from the comfort of your own home/office/hotel/wherever.

What Should I Expect During Sessions in Person?

Well, this is a loaded question. First, we use the Gottman Method Couples Therapy at The Counseling Hub. This method in particular emphasizes assessment. Yes, at the first session you will be asked about what’s going on currently (also known as the presenting concern in therapist lingo), but you’ll also be asked about a lot of stuff that may not seem particularly relevant to the exact thing that brought you in. W hen a person (or individual) shows up, there will be a lot of information gathering to help your therapist know what is happening and how you and your partner got to where you are in your relationship. The Gottman method uses assessment as a map (their analogy which I love to use). The idea is that you can drive a car as fast as you want (i.e., start doing therapy the first session) but if you don’t know where you’re at (i.e., knowledge gained from assessment) it doesn’t matter how fast you drive. In other words, therapists want to know as much about the relationship as possible to know where the couple’s strengths and areas of improvement are. This helps our team to be the most effective and efficient counselors they can for you. Assessment is necessary. It’s also difficult when emotions are high. It might seem strange, but one very important thing to know is that explaining the why an affair happened is not one question your therapist will ask during the first few sessions. That question will be one that is discovered through therapy across time without blaming either partner.

Feedback (session three) is unique session. During this session your therapist will share what research has shown about not only couples who stay together, but couples who stay together and are happy and satisfied. Once you know about some of this, your relationship will be inspected to see where it lands in comparison. This gives direction and hope. Not only will you learn about healthy relationships, your counselor should give you information about affairs and infidelity, too. The Gottman’s use their own developed framework for working with affairs which they named the Atone-Attune-Attach method. This framework will be explained during the feedback session of assessment. It has three phases which will help heal the couple in a way that has evidence from research: it’s not just theory.

After meeting the first three sessions (together, individual, together) your therapy journey will begin to take on a new look. From feedback onward you will be guided by your therapist in using effective and helpful (not harmful) ways of communicating. Your sessions will go from talking to the counselor about what is and has been going on, to one where you talk to your partner. Which might be terrifying, but necessary. You will then be guided through expressing feelings about the infidelity. You will talk about big moments in the past. You will discuss what your needs are: past ones which were not fulfilled and current ones. You will live in transparency with your partner- which might be the first time for some of you. Couples therapy is not fun at times- it’s difficult and messy. I like to tell people that you may leave some sessions feeling like crap, and others where you feel on top of the world; especially when there has been an affair. If you choose to rebuild your relationship stronger and healthier, it’ll be worth the mess and work.

What to Expect With Online Counseling?

This is going to be the smallest section. Telehealth has been proven to be as effective as in person therapy. What does this mean? Telehealth works practically the same as in-person sessions. That is why this section is the smallest- it’s all the stuff from above! There do happen to be a few differences one might consider. One is that you don’t have a warm body in the room with you- aside from your partner. Some of you might feel that as a relief for many reasons (fear of judgement, worrying about catching COVID-19, etc.) While others might feel nervous for may reasons (what if my partner unleashes their anger on me?) The other difference is the logistical things- like using a computer and what room to have therapy in. Many questions you have about telehealth can be found on our telehealth faq page. Otherwise, you should expect the same level of care as an in-person session. If this didn’t happen to answer a question you might have, it’s also worth contacting us to get your question answered!

Help Can Be… Helpful!

            If this is your reality right now, and you’re experiencing the unearthing of your relationship due to an affair or infidelity you will probably need assistance from a trained professional. Not saying you don’t have the capacities to do it on your own, seeing that most people are very resilient. What I am suggesting is that it doesn’t hurt to get some help from someone who has the knowledge and experience to guide you in the most efficient and caring way. Telehealth is a convenient and efficient way to receive help- even when there is not a pandemic going on. It has been shown to be as beneficial as in person therapy. If your relationship has been wounded from an affair or infidelity, seeking help in any platform- telehealth or in person- can help. Why not give it a try?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Online Counseling for Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling

Can online counseling and therapy work?

Ah, the heart of the issue. Short answer? YES. A thousand times yes. Online counseling and therapy absolutely works. We’ll get more into it working for couples therapy and marriage counseling (one of our specialties!) in just a minute, but it still feels important to clarify that it’s effective, period.

To reiterate: online counseling and therapy works for couples, marriages, and those in relationships!! It’s not just for people seeking out individual counseling and therapy; it’s for all types of folks. If you want to get really fancy, we can even talk about online group counseling, but let’s bypass that for right now and focus on why you’re here.

Why would I do online counseling and therapy?

I mean, this is a fantastic question and my answer is that it depends. You could want to do online counseling and therapy for a variety of reasons, none of which overlap. For some people, their schedule is way inflexible and/or they’re working excessive hours right now, and online is the only way to squeeze in counseling/therapy. Valid.

For others, they’re doing long-distance for the time being (or long-term) and know that they won’t be in the same place on a consistent enough basis that they can make it into an office together with any semblance of consistency. Also valid.

For another group, they’re physically unable to get themselves to the practice setting, whether for lack of mobility (i.e., one car household, no public transport) or physical discomfort, and so they opt for doing the work from the comfort of their own home. Still valid.

For an entirely different group, they might just prefer seeing a clinician online. Also entirely valid.

The reasons changes from person to person, but the reality is that some folks simply want to (or need to) do online counseling and therapy. No shame in that game. As we’ve already discussed, highly effective.

How does online counseling and therapy work?

Another stellar question. There’s the technical answer, but there’s also the emotional answer.

Technically speaking, it works in much the same way a simple video call works. You’ve probably facetimed a friend before, used skype to connect with a long-distance relative, or even booted up zoom for a work meeting or two.

It’s pretty much the same thing.

We get you hooked up with a HIPAA-compliant (read: secure) platform and then your counselor (from our counseling team #biased #lovethem) will initiate a video call with you at the time of your scheduled session. Super easy. We’d recommend having three things.

1. internet connection (although you can also use the video through an app (which is useful if you don’t have internet connection for some reason)

2. headphones (optional, not required)

3. privacy (i.e., don’t do couples therapy or marriage counseling in your local coffee shop)

Boom. Easy, right?

On an emotional level? Also much the same as in-person sessions. You can expect a few things, not least of which includes:

• a supportive, validating space for your experience, thoughts, feelings, and opinions

• judgment-free feedback to help you reflect on yourself and your tendencies

• emotional safety and affirmation

• collaborative treatment and constructive help for evolving and moving forward in your life (*fun note that moving forward does not equal constant, linear growth)

This list is not exhaustive, but it’s a starting point. Counseling and therapy is so damn beautiful. I also just realized that you can learn more about who we are and what we value through, literally, reading about our core practice values. That might give you even more of a sense of who we are and how we operate.

Okay, but how does online counseling and therapy work for couples therapy and marriage counseling?

The technical aspect of this remains similar to the above. You’d need some way to connect with video, internet connection, and privacy. The video is covered for you via our awesome platform that we use. The internet connection is something we can’t do for you (we would if we could!). And the privacy is also on you, if you’re opting for online work. Also, no headphones in this case, since there will be more than one of you on the call.

And emotionally? Also similar to the above. You’ll be asked to self-reflect, share about your internal state of being, collaboratively and constructively seek to evolve and change as a person, and be given feedback in a way that should push you, but not overwhelm you.

Online couples therapy and marriage counseling, in particular, looks different than individual online counseling, though. If you want a way more detailed version, you might be more interested to read this overview of what you can expect from couples therapy work, but I’ll still hit the highlights for you right here.

Here are a few things you can expect from online couples therapy and marriage counseling:

1. a thorough assessment (way the hell important for understanding what’s actually going on in your relationship - cannot be overstated)

2. discussions with your partner rather than through your counselor/therapist (your counselor/therapist isn’t your interpreter; they’ll teach you how to do it, but then will help you navigate rather than direct every move)

3. learning specific techniques and interventions (helpful for transitioning what you’re learning into your home environment)

4. catching relationship killers (i.e., the four horsemen)

And that’s basically it! It’s so hard to capture what couples therapy and marriage counseling is like via writing. To explain something that’s so nuanced and specific to each relationship is like trying to catch a gallon of rain with one bucket. Lots of drops, but it just takes some time to reach the goal.

What should I look for in a couples therapist and marriage counselor?

Honestly, this is one of my favorite questions because couples and marriage work is a specialty. You should not just go to anybody who says, “sure, I see couples!” without actually vetting them, their experience and training, their supervision, and the types of marriages and couples they work with.

Case in point. Any person who is licensed in the state of Missouri can say they do couples therapy and marriage counseling. I hate to break it to you, but this is true. And to some extent, there’s truth to it. We’ve got some education under our belts when we shift into prelicensed or fully licensed mode (post-masters work, basically), and so we can say that we work with xyz populations.

However, somebody saying they work with couples and marriages doesn’t actually mean that they specialize in this work or that they have advanced training in it.

What you want to look for is people who take a special, vested interest in the couples therapy and marriage counseling route.

These folks are going to have:

1. additional training in a couples therapy approach (Gottman Method Couples Therapy is our preferred approach and hiiiiiighly effective/backed by a crap-ton of research)

2. a special passion/interest/affinity for couples therapy

3. experience with your particular couples therapy/marriage counseling issue (i.e., affairs or infidelity; excessive, toxic, or nonexistent conflict; communication breakdowns)

You’ll be able to hear their love for what they do when they talk about it. You should also be able to grasp what it is they’re saying and how it directly relates to you and your partner. The reality is that this is a big deal. Couples therapy and marriage counseling is a last resort for many people, and making sure you find the right person is suuuuper important.

Does Gottman Method Couples Therapy work through online counseling?

If you haven’t gotten the theme of this blog yet, YES!! Yes, Gottman Method works through online counseling.

This is our preferred method for couples therapy and marriage counseling. For a variety of reasons, but let’s just say that it’s one of the best approaches for couples/marriage work, is highly research based, tends to give people relief because it offers a deep understanding of what’s going on in the relationship, and it’s simple (not always easy!!!) to implement outside of sessions.

Reach out if you have any questions about online couples therapy and marriage counseling!

Seriously, you can always email us directly with any questions you have, read more about online counseling (in general), or submit any queries you have via our contact form by clicking the button below. We’re happy to answer any questions we can and get you hooked up with the right person for your counseling/therapy work. Be well and happy counseling!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Individual Counselor & Therapist, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor | Columbia, Mo

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and practicing counselor/therapist with The Counseling Hub with a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision (earned from the nationally recognized UM - Saint Louis counselor education program). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara has also presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice. 

How to Handle Someone Not Listening

“I feel like I am not listened to and it hurts.”

Ever leave a conversation with your partner feeling not listened to? What about feeling defeated? Pissed? Misunderstood? If you have walked away from a conversation feeling like nothing you said mattered, that feels terrible! We all have been the one feeling defeated and the one who’s not showing off their good listening skills. Either way, there are some things you can do to improve the chances of being listened to. Keep in mind, that just because you’re choosing to try to be an effective communicator doesn’t mean that the other person will be a good listener. The goal here is to try to be as clear and intentional about your message in a specific way which will likely lead to being listened to. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to will be able to follow suit and both of you will feel heard, understood, and respected.

Prepare For The Conversation

When and Where?

One thing that is important to consider when you want to be listened to is context. I know from personal experience that it can be ridiculously hard to wait to talk about something when your blood is pumping, and that person has either hit a raw nerve or just plainly won’t listen to you. If your blood is pumping it might be best to wait and calm down first. Once you’ve calmed down and are ready to talk about the issue again considering time and setting are very important.

Telling your partner that you feel hurt by something they said or did is important in a healthy relationship versus fighting, but it may fall on deaf ears if the time and place are not appropriate for the conversation. For instance, pretend you’re pissed because your partner didn’t switch the laundry before bed and now it’s soured from being in the washer all night. Waking your partner up and expressing frustration you have for him or her might not go over so well. If you were to wait until they are up and alert, then it’s more likely your partner will hear what you’ve got to say.

A good rule of thumb is to think about how you would feel if whatever you want to talk about was presented to you. It’s also good to think about how your partner has responded in the past. If you know that they don’t like talking about serious things right before going to bed, then it might be best to have a talk mid- morning or early evening.

Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt.

I am going to challenge you, which you might find difficult but hopefully not. I challenge you to think that your partner does want to listen to you- even if it doesn’t feel like it. Going into a conversation with the mindset that your partner does want to listen to you can help you feel less like they’re the enemy and they want steady communication with you.

Think of it this way: if you have a red car- you see red cars everywhere. If you think your partner won’t listen, then you will be looking for signals that they don’t want to listen. The opposite is true too. If you think that they care to listen going in, then you will find evidence to support that. Another thing to keep in mind is that they have their own feelings and thoughts which needs to be expressed as well. Think about a time when you started a conversation wanting to be listened to and by the end you wound up in a fight. One reason is that both people are trying so desperately to be heard that each person begins to become louder and more fortified trying to be the first to get their point across. No understanding can come from two people digging their heels in deeper and deeper. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they do want to hear what you have to say and that they have thoughts and feelings too.

If you go into the conversation with the mindset that your partner doesn’t want to listen, or that they won’t, then you haven’t given them a fair chance.

Plan For It

So knowing when and where to have a conversation is one piece of a plan but there are some other things you can consider before having a discussion. These can include reflecting on what are the main things you want to be understood on? What happens if your partner rejects the time or place for discussion? What happens if the whole thing starts to go south and you wind up talking about unrelated things? I am not suggesting coming into a conversation with bullet points and no room for flexibility. I am suggesting that having a plan for what you want and encountering potential barriers to being understood can help increase the chances of you effectively communicating.

Being Realistic

Let’s be real. There are going to be many conversations that whatever is talked about isn’t necessarily going to be fixed. You may leave the conversation still feeling like the problem is there- so what’s the point? The point is that you were able to express yourself and (hopefully) both people will have more empathy for the other. This empathy leads to connection. Again, it’s also possible that no matter what you do to prepare, the talk can backfire. Be realistic about what you want and what you expect from your partner. Think about how you would respond if what you were saying were coming off the lips of your partner. Another thing to think about is that if you’ve got a thought or need, your partner probably does too. Once you’ve had your chance to express yourself fully, you will need to allow your partner the same respect. Your partner needs to be listened to just like you do so take turns. Lastly, reflect on if it’s important to be listened to first. If there isn’t a reason that you must speak first, you can let your partner talk first while you demonstrate good listening skills.

During the Conversation

As in most of my blogs, the methods suggested here are from the well-researched and established Gottman Method Couples Therapy. They deserve the credit for these beautiful techniques which have helped so many couples feel more understood!

First, the way you start a conversation is likely how it will end. If the conversation starts like, “You never do the dishes!” (a.k.a. criticism) then it’s not likely the other person will want to listen much further. Starting off with criticism, blaming, cursing, harsh tone, mockery, or loud volume quickly turns off listening and the person you want to listen to you so badly is likely fortifying their position. Being able to express what you want or need must be done so in a way that the other person doesn’t want to run away or counter attack. Words matter. You might notice that there are hot topics that you and your partner discuss which automatically make your body tense up. Just an utterance can provoke this response which can set your communication up for failure- so words matter.

Try beginning the conversation with talking about you. Keep the focus on how you’re feeling, what you’re needing, what you experienced rather than what your partner did. Think about the last time you were accused of something- what did it feel like? Most people would want to defend themselves, and the listener is not an exception. Even if you say it in a calm tone. If you use “you-statements” then often the listener feels accused, attacked, picked on, misunderstood, or something of that nature. The byproduct is that listening goes out the window. Using I-statements may sound like this, “I have a busy day today and am feeling frustrated that the clothes are in the washer still.” Again, just because you say it a certain way doesn’t mean it will be accepted, but the previous statement allows for much greater understanding than something like this: “You know I have a busy day and now I have more laundry to do. Now I am starting the day pissed off! Great!” Yeah, I prefer to hear the first example.

Another good thing to do during the conversation is to let your partner have a turn talking. They have needs and feelings regarding what you’re bringing to them and they need to be able to feel heard too. Once you are listener, try to suspend judgement. Try to listen to what they think and feel. It may seem odd that you are listening when you are the one that wants to be heard and understood, but if you can be a supportive listener, your partner will probably want to be one for you as well.

One last thing I suggest is telling your partner how good it feels when you feel listened to. If you had a conversation where you felt heard, then tell them! The two of you can make mental notes about what works and what doesn’t. Telling them how connected and positive you feel afterwards can deepen your bond and lead to further effective communicating.

Being listened to is a complicated thing. First, you must go into the conversation knowing what you want from it. You must also be prepared for it not to go exactly how you planned it to. Taking into consideration time and place is important to help raise the chances of feeling heard and understood. You must also try recognizing and being okay with the fact that your partner has an opinion, and that doesn’t mean that your thoughts and feelings are not true. Don’t forget that listening must take turns- you can lead listening by example. Going into the conversation with a positive mind about your partner, that they really do want to listen is helpful as well. Starting a conversation gently and avoiding critical or judgement is important because once a conversation starts, that is likely how it will end. Using I-feel statements (and avoiding you-statements) can help reduce the chance the listener feels attacked. If you’re able to feel heard, don’t forget to tell your partner!

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About the Author

Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

What is Premarital Counseling Like?

Premarital counseling is one of the many services offered by our team at The Counseling Hub! As you may know, we specialize in individual counseling and couples therapy or marriage counseling. Premarital work definitely falls under the couples therapy or marriage counseling umbrella, but it’s slightly unique than other types of couples work that we do, and here’s why.  

First of all, when people are seeking out premarital counseling, it’s usually assumed that they don’t have a significantly pressing issues with regard to conflict, affair, or communication. People often seek premarital counseling because, well, they’re getting married.  With that said, it frequently does happen that people come in for premarital counseling and end up doing a little bit more than just to premarital work.  

Premarital counseling is usually done with a variety of assessments and a pretty structured format. You and your beloved would complete some assessments and then you would go through said assessments with your counselor to see where the two of you differ and overlap. The assessments aren’t designed to be a measure of your relationship health, and they are not designed to predict weather your relationship will succeed or fail (we offer Gottman therapy for that!). The purpose of the premarital assessments are, quite literally, to see where you overlap and differ with your partner on a variety of topics, including but not limited to finances, sex, communication styles, personality traits, kids, and a host more.  

It is important that you have some understanding and conversation about these topics with your partner prior to getting married. We see plenty of people for couples counseling down the road who didn’t get clear with one another on basic differences about really important things. The things aren’t important because of anything inherent about the topic - the things are important because they show up so consistently in relationships that we need to make sure that we at least understand where  our partner is coming from. So while we would say that talking about these topics doesn’t reduce you’re potential for future problems, it does allow you both to learn how to discuss things you’ll agree and disagree on (the latter being way more important). In other words, it can help you learn to argue effectively with your partner. Ha! Sounds funny, but we’re being serious.

I would also throw in that we are probably a fantastic fit for premarital counseling because not only do we assess those different topic areas, but we are especially skilled at helping people learn how to communicate in ways that are healthy and effective and increase people’s understanding of their partner, as well as increase respect and compassion for their partner.  Doing these things from the outset will absolutely set you up for success down the road. 

Another bonus to our premarital work is that it’s for both secular and religious counselors.  Lots of folks will go through their church (if their religious), which we completely understand, but there are a subset of people who aren’t very religious, but also want premarital counseling. You are for sure in the right place, if that’s you.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Counseling in Columbia, Mo

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen | Antidotes

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?! 

Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point! 

Four Horsemen Recap

Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).

The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.

You see what I mean?

It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).

SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.

The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!

Show Me The Antidotes!!

Short version is this:

criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs

Super easy, right? #winkyface

Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!

From Criticism to Gentle Startup

With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.

• State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
• Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
• THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”

Taking Responsibility

With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.

It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.

Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall

With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.

Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.

The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.

Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt

Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”

Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.

Contempt - Horsemen 4/4

The Four Horsemen | Contempt

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi). 

Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.

Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.

PHEW. 

Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.

Contempt - What is it?!

In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.

It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.

Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience. 

I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!

Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.

The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.

Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...

Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up. 

It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults. 

Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs. 

Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small. 

There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.

I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens. 

If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members. 

Stonewalling - Horsemen 3/4

The Four Horsemen | Stonewalling

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Alrighty. We've covered criticism and defensiveness. And now it’s on to the next one.

Stonewalling, my friends.

This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.

This is the long and short of what happens.

Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.

The conversation continues and intensifies. Nothing terrible, but definitely intense.

Then, a criticism. And then defensiveness.

Partner A’s heat rate has jumped even more, to about 88 beats per minute. Partner B is just now reaching 78.

At this point, we’d encourage partner A to engage in some self-soothing, in order to bring their heart rate down, but they’re not in therapy and they don’t know about the need for self-soothing. In fact, they don’t even realize they’ve escalated to that point.

The conflict continues and Partner A hits about 95-100 beats per minute. At that point, partner A is done. In essence, their body says to them, “Nope, too much. I’m done, dude. I’m shutting down,” and that’s exactly what happens. Partner A has hit diffuse physiological arousal. In essence, partner A can’t think straight, can’t hear what’s being said, can’t focus, and their face and responses reflect a wall (hence “stonewall”).

Why it’s interesting is that it’s the only horseman to be a direct response to physiological arousal (too much of it and not in the right context - #heyo #sextherapyftw).

What’s even more interesting is that, generally speaking, when partner A shuts down, partner B’s heart rate jumps!!! As in, now they’re feeling a heightened state of arousal much in the same way partner A was initially. And they're a little bit in freak out mode because they want to reconnect with parter A. It's infuriating, but is rife with panic!

It’s all chaos from there. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I mean, it can definitely slide into further chaos, but it can also be addressed accordingly. In saying that, I mean to say that self-soothing is one way of handling stonewalling (and flooding, which can lead to stonewalling).

And also this: just because you may tend to stonewall (or be with a partner that stonewalls) doesn't mean it's "stuck" that way forever. There are very tried and true methods for alleviating the horsemen and the result is a much healthier, happier, and connected relationship. Also, these methods are part of the antidotes to the four horsemen, which are necessary for changing poor communication patterns!

Much like every other post on here, it’s easy (and fascinating) to talk about, but not as easy to overcome. Meaning that it’s simple, but still can be difficult to put into practice. That’s where couples counseling can be helpful (one of many ways it can be helpful).

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.