Online Counseling/Online Therapy for Anxiety

What is online counseling/online therapy? I keep hearing these terms…

I’ll start by saying that our counseling team in Columbia, Mo offers both individual counseling and therapy as well as couples therapy and marriage counseling via an online format. And I’ve gone into this a handful of times over the past few weeks (an overview here, faqs here, and an online couples therapy and marriage counseling blog here), but I’ll offer a little bit of clarity before diving into how it can be useful for anxiety therapy.

Online counseling/online therapy is, quite literally, counseling/therapy done via an online video format. We use a platform that links up with an app for clients and also gives clients the option of using their laptop or computer for sessions. We basically ask that folks just find a private space, use headphones (if doing individual work), and make sure they have internet connection. And that’s about it!

Is online counseling/online therapy an effective for treating anxiety?

You can guess my answer to this question, but I’ll say it anyway.

YES. Absolutely yes. With some caveats. If you’re coming in for generalized anxiety or social anxiety, then this is absolutely an avenue that can (and, ideally, should) be effective for treatment. What we offer is coping and treatment for people who struggle with more generalized anxiety, whether this is from an existential crisis, quarter-life crisis, related to body image or self-esteem, or besties (#sarcasm) with shame and guilt.

If you’re looking for online counseling/therapy for selective mutism, separation anxiety, or panic disorder, then it would make more sense to be in person and with somebody who distinctly specializes in that type of work. Additionally, obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (although note considered anxiety disorders at this point) should be addressed through more specific approaches. If you want or need referrals for folks who do that work, we’re happy to help you! Email us directly and we’ll make some relevant recommendations for you.

Can anxiety be cured with therapy or counseling?

This is a loaded question.

Yes (sorta) and no, but the answer really depends on how you experience anxiety and how you think about anxiety.

If you’re experiencing an acute form of anxiety for the first time in your life and you’re just very confused about what’s happening and why, then yes, it makes sense that some counseling and therapy could help to “cure” your anxiety.

However, if you’ve been experiencing anxiety for years on end with little to no relief, then probably not. It makes sense that we can lower your anxiety, yes. It makes sense that we can learn to manage anxiety, yes. It even makes sense that we can help you to feel better about your anxiety, yes.

But to cure it entirely after you’ve been experiencing it for years and years on end? No, probably not.

And with all that said, there’s also the whole philosophical stance that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience!!!

Big hint for you (if it’s not obvious) is that our online counseling/online therapy approach embraces this, much in the same way our in-person counseling/therapy does. Basically, anxiety is embedded in our DNA. It’s part of being alive and relishing the life you live. To have zero anxiety is a pretty big (and improbable) ask. To have a level that’s able to be joyfully lived with? That’s more realistic (and still hard for some people to attain).

All that said, we’ll do everything we can to help you find your happy level of anxiety. Yes, such a thing can (and often does) exist.

Okay, but can anxiety be cured with online therapy or online counseling?

I’m pretty much going to say the same thing as the section above. Yes (sorta) and no. Yes, depending on the type of anxiety. No, depending on the type of anxiety. And also some anxiety is part of the human experience.

Boom. Roasted. #TheOfficeForever

How long does anxiety therapy take (including online therapy for anxiety)?

Meh. It’s hard to say. Here’s a quick formula for you. Simplified, but based on research.

Therapy > No Therapy

More Therapy > Less Therapy

In essence, you should see an impact in your life relatively quickly. However (and how detailed can I get here?), seeing a change or two or three in your life doesn’t equal long-term success. What we really want to see is a change (or multiple changes) combined with sustainability and maintenance. The hard part about this is that you’ll feel ‘push back’ on changes at different intervals.

Think of it this way. Did you see the movie Cars? As a total side note, I freaking love that movie. I cry every time in the end when Lightning McQueen gives up his win for The King (#spoiler). It’s just so touching (hence the tears)!

My point, though, is that in the movie, Lightning has to repave the road that he destroys in Radiator Springs before heading to California for his big race. Repaving the road wasn’t planned. It was an accident, but he’s kind of a jerk in the beginning of the movie, so you don’t feel too bad for him when he gets stuck.

So, he starts repaving the road while basically hating his life. Stuck in “hillbilly hell” repaving a road (that he has to get done within the week) while missing out on the life he wants to be living. Let’s pause real quick and think about the parallels to anxiety. Feeling stuck and unhappy, and wanting to anywhere but lost in the feeling you’re having. It’s intense.

So then, Lightning gets the bright (read: terrible) idea to repave it lightning (#Heyo) fast. Another spoiler, in case you haven’t seen the move: it doesn’t work. The small amount of road he paved slowly is smooth, but the vast majority of the rest is super bumpy and not really drive-able.

Let’s pause and parallel counseling/therapy again, shall we? RUSHING THE PROCESS DOESN’T WORK. Simple enough.

Ultimately, he slows his roll (#OnPointWithMyPuns), makes social connections and forges meaningful relationships, starts to value where he is while still having a bigger goal for himself, and realizes it’s not so bad. In essence, he submitted to the experience and process while trusting that his work would get him through.

One last time, counseling/therapy parallel. I’m sure you can guess, but I’ll clarify. Submitting to the process doesn’t mean giving up control forever. It simply means accepting where you currently are, making the most/best of it while creating meaningful relationships, and still working towards a bigger goal. This is therapy. This is counseling. This is why we don’t rush the process and also why we don’t try to fix things quickly. There are more reasons, but the above highlights some.

What if I get anxiety before my therapy/counseling session?

Welcome to the club! Sounds kind of wild, but it’s not uncommon that people feel nervous, anxious, or downright scared before their counseling or therapy session.

I mean, think about it. At what other point in your life do you walk into somebody’s (virtual) office and bare your soul? We’re talking no-holds-barred, vulnerable af, open, honest, and raw conversation. That is HARD. It is legitimately difficult to do. It’s not something for the feint of heart, and it sure as hell isn’t easy. To clarify, you don’t have to do this right away! This is something we work up to and you do when you have a sense of safety and trust with your clinician.

At the exact same time, it’s refreshing, relieving, empowering, and can lead to growth you didn’t know or think possible. There’s something really sacred in that space, but all of that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s terrifying for people. This is more the case for folks who are coming for the first time, starting with a new clinician, or are restarting after having a bad experience with another clinician (yes, this happens and no, we don’t like it happening).

I want to start online anxiety therapy/counseling. Now what?

Simple answer. You can email us directly to get something on the books, you can call us at 573-586-3204, or you can submit your contact information by clicking the link below and we’ll get back to you asap! Kudos to you for taking this big step, as a side note. Getting started can be hard for folks. Be well and happy counseling!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Individual Counselor & Therapist, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor | Columbia, Mo

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and practicing counselor/therapist with The Counseling Hub with a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision (earned from the nationally recognized UM - Saint Louis counselor education program). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Emily | End of Year Reflection

Honestly, if I was going to pick any year of my life to reflect on, it would be this past year. Hands down.  2019 was the year of transition. It was transition and sudden change and everything in between. I’ve been thinking about writing this for the past couple of days and was constantly set back in my thoughts of, “how can I even put words to the experience of the last year?” or “I feel too many things where do I even start to reflect?”  I’m a feeler.  And right now, I could probably benefit from looking at the feelings wheel (which, if you’ve ever been in session with me, you will be familiar with because it’s amazing and I use it often). But honestly, it just reminded me that I ultimately feel grateful.  Grateful that I have so much to reflect upon and explore within my life.

Jumping On The Ride

            The past year has felt like a lot of things, but what I keep coming back to is the experience of riding a rollercoaster (sounds cliché, I know).  Especially one that you’ve never ridden but have seen and felt immense fear to even go near in the past.  The beginning of 2019 was like that moment where you finally decide to go all in and get in line. Everything that I had been working towards for the past decade (really my whole education) was about to be put into practice as I started my internship and began wrapping up my counseling graduate program. Even when I type this out I’m reminded of the moment I was about to see my very first client and the amount of “oh wow, this is really happening” level of fear that I felt. It was the point of the rollercoaster where you feel your stomach drop and accomplish your very first big hill on the track. 

There was really no avoiding it—no matter how scared or doubtful or nervous I was to get myself out there, it was the risk that made it all worth it. It took practice to actively be vulnerable and sit with the hard feelings.  When I got on that ride, it was almost as if everything happened at once.  It’s been a whole year of being out in the counseling field and truly a year has never gone so fast in my whole entire life. Now that the year is over, I’m left with an afterglow type of feeling that feels proud and accomplished in the courageous moments. It makes me think, “hmm, what else can I try in the future?”  It was in no way a perfect ride, nor should (or could) it have been.  But it was an experience that was unique to me and my life story.  Every session, supervision, meeting, blog, note, class, paper, reflection, served a specific purpose in my growth this past year. And if I’m being completely honest, as scared as I was to actually start my counseling career and leave my classroom comfort zone, it has been by far the most rewarding journey I’ve embarked on. Now when I look at that rollercoaster, I get excited and feel grounded in the fact that, yeah, it’s going to be real scary sometimes.  But in the end, it will all be worth it.  No matter what, there is something to be learned from moments of vulnerability.

Cue the Highlight Reel

The counseling arena of my life was definitely the highlight of my year.  Not only did I start internship, but I finally **finnnnnnnnnnallly* graduated. For me, this was a huge accomplishment because I was never one that vibed well with school in the past.  Don’t get me wrong, I tried and I showed up and I was present, but I was not really present in the way that school required.  If you would have told me five years ago that I would be graduating from a Master’s program and about to start my dream job, I would have seriously thought that you were joking.  It took a lot of hard work, sacrifice, crying, feeling, late nights, and self-reflection, to get to the point of walking across that stage.  But it happened! I realized that I’m stronger than I think I am and I feel like that’s important for people to remember.  You are strong! If you are reading this right now: You have made it to here by no shear luck alone, you did that. You made it.  Sometimes even just making it through a tough week, or surviving a terrible breakup, or persevering to finish a paper, can serve as an act of strength.

Congruency

I learned a lot in 2019 that was applicable to life, but what the lesson that really drove it all home for me was the idea that conflict or confrontation can be (and totally is) a healthy aspect of growth in your relationships (romantic, friendships, family, yourself!, etc.).  At this point last year I was still absolutely conflict avoidant and terrified of any type of negative interaction with my peers. Don’t get me wrong, it was something that I experienced and processed, but never in a positive light.  But what I realized was that while conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a chance to deepen and understand the connection.  If there is no conflict, what is changing? Is there opportunity to grow together rather than apart? Is this a chance to be honest that might be missed otherwise?  I had never realized that most of the time when I was being avoidant of conflict I was really just not expressing my needs in fear that the other entity would reject or not be able to sit with them. I was missing out on chances to be truly transparent and congruent…honest.  Earlier this year in one of my courses, a professor was talking with us about the importance of being ‘congruent’ and what it looks like in the counselor role.  The idea that you are your most true self and your actions and thoughts aligned with that sense of self.  I found myself reflecting on the fact that if I was not speaking my truth and using my voice in my relationships, was I being congruent?  It took (and continually takes) practice to be comfortable with the fact that valuable lessons can be uncomfortable and challenging. Most of the time, the most valuable lessons are the most challenging. It’s a balance between acknowledging the uncomfortable and relishing the comfort.

Hello, Old Friend 2018 Emily

This next year is a new decade…let me say that again… DECADE.  How surreal is that?  Now is definitely the time for new beginnings and for fresh opportunities. I keep thinking about how much can change in one year, and now just thinking about a whole decade?! Talk about change.  With every new year comes a chance to start over and do something new.  A chance to take a risk and move forward (or backward if need be—it may be necessary to take a step back from something if it may be hindering). If I could go back and tell 2018 Emily anything, it would be to be honest.  Be honest with others and even more so with yourself.  So many times this past year I was not honest with the people around me and ended up sacrificing my own needs and feelings.  When in reality, what if the people around me could have given a sense of insight I wouldn’t have once had? In turn, I was not truly being honest with myself or really understanding what was happening when I was in need of something. This came with unset boundaries and loss of possible self-care opportunities. I think that the Emily a year ago needs to hear that saying “no” and being able to stick to what she says in terms of boundaries is a form of self-care that she is missing but could truly benefit from. Someone shared a quote recently that said, “Have the courage to say what you need in the moment. Most people aren’t mind readers. Two things will happen: You’ll either get what you need or realize that the source you are asking doesn’t have the capacity to deliver. Both are gifts.” Written by the lovely Jada Pinkett Smith. This quote felt necessary to mention when reflecting on lessons learned throughout the past year and I really struck a chord. Most people aren’t mind readers! I constantly forget that, especially being a person that feels allllll the feelings. My 2018 self really would have benefitted from hearing this quote.

Thank You, 2019

Regardless, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the point of giving advice to my past self if I hadn’t of gone through the sequence of events that happened in 2019.  Again, it comes back to balance; balance of being grateful for things that transpired and the way that they did, but still feeling obligated to come up with better solutions and pushing a lesson. I feel it will do me best to “just be” as previous professor used to always tell me. There is beauty in the ability to just be. As 2020 approaches, I’m feeling very excited and driven to take on all the emotions, obstacles, challenges, and opportunities that present themselves—high risk or low risk. Sending good vibes to everyone as they take on this new decade

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Emily Lind | CIT | Individual Counseling

Emily recently graduated from the Master of Education in Counseling program at Stephens College, here in Columbia, MO.  She is active in the student led Stephens Counseling Association, and is also a part of the American Counseling Association (ACA). Prior to graduate school, Emily received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at the University of Missouri (Columbia). Emily enjoys working with both adolescents and adults as they process their growth through counseling. She collaborates best with individuals looking to embrace their true identity, find their inner confidence, recognize innate strengths, and find a way to effectively cope with transitions, depression, and anxiety. Emily is eager to experience and train for working with couples and families, a scope of her practice that will have a clear advantage based on her early childhood education experience.

How Can I Learn to Love Myself?

Can I Learn to Love Myself?

Learning to love yourself is not an easy task. It’s not one that happens overnight, and is not often a one-and-done, permanent change. It takes work. Especially if you’ve been in a place of self-dislike- or loathing- for a long time. It may feel futile to think that you could ever change your thoughts about yourself. You have probably tried before. Let me just take a moment to say two important things: first, you’re worth it. You’re worth the time and effort to learn how to love yourself. Every single person, including you, are worth loving. Second, many people have been in the boat that you’re in- feeling defeated and sad. But there’s always time to change. Learning to love yourself may take a while as you may find yourself not believing the new things you’re telling yourself, but with time, you will find that you’re loveable and you can love yourself. 

Treat yourself like you would your best friend

One piece of advice- as cheesy as it sounds- is to treat yourself like your best friend. Treat yourself with the same kind of respect you would show the person you cared most for in the world. Most of us have had “our person.” A person who we love (or loved) more dearly than anyone else on the planet whether that be our uncle, grandma, sister, not-really-related cousin, or childhood best friend. We would never want to say anything to those people to hurt them or put them down- so if you find that you do that to yourself, counter the self-harming thought or comment with a positive one. Gottman research found that couples who have successful and fulfilling relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Meaning, that happy couples have five positive interactions to one negative one. Why shouldn’t we be doing this with ourselves? We need a positive relationship with ourselves just as much as we need one with an intimate partner. So give yourself five compliments, or list five positive attributes you have each time you find yourself saying something negative.

It’s also more than just telling yourself positive things- it’s treating yourself with respect, too. If you have low self-worth or dislike yourself then it’s easy to feel guilty when taking time for yourself because- as you have told yourself- after all, you are not worth it. Some ways to treat yourself with respect can include setting boundaries in different areas of your life like work, friendships, and family. These can include setting limits on tasks for others, creating time for you to enjoy something, or even stopping yourself from self-destructive behaviors. Setting these boundaries at first may not feel good, but it’s your way of telling yourself (and others) that you are worth loving and being cared for. Another way to treat yourself with respect is to have self-care and mental health time. Being intentional about caring for yourself can be linked to greater mental health in a variety of ways. Again, intentional self-care may feel selfish or a waste of time at first, but self-care is needed for everyone and granting yourself that time is one way you can love yourself.

What do others like or love about me?

If you’re in such a state that you can’t even find one thing that you like about yourself, ask someone else. You can ask anyone- your closest friend, your extended family, the bank teller who is always working when you go, or a stranger at Walmart. The answers may surprise you. Collecting information from others about what they like about you can give you a beginning reservoir of things that are positive about you. If you value your family and friends opinions highly, then what they have to say will be impactful. If you think that they are just blowing smoke at you then it may seem like empty compliments- so ask a stranger! Asking someone you don’t know necessarily well- or at all- can be beneficial as well. One viewpoint may argue that they don’t know you so they have no stock in assessing what they like or dislike about you. Or there is an argument for the reverse, thinking they are just being nice or artificial- in which you can then ask your friends or family. Either way, obtaining information from others about what they like about you can kick start you formulating your own opinions about what makes you great and loveable.

Sometimes liking and disliking yourself can come in waves. It might be a good idea for you to write down all the things you like about yourself when you’re having a good, self-loving day so that if or when the day comes that you find it difficult to like or love yourself, you can look back on what you have liked. Having a running list can be very impactful as you can visually see the list growing as you learn to love yourself more.

One important thing to keep in mind when asking others what they think about you is that things difficult to hear may come up. You may receive some criticism or feedback that supports your self-defeating thoughts. When you approach individuals for feedback, it would be wise to tell them you’re only looking for the positives at the moment. You’re attempting to create new thoughts and behaviors that allow you to love yourself. Finally, remember, your opinions matter too. Other thoughts should be a springboard for you to begin, not a constant reassurance. Relying on others likes about you to instill your sense of worth and love is not solid ground to stand on all the time. 

I just don’t believe it- what do I do about that?

            Trust me, I’ve been that person. The person that says, “oh you’re just saying that because you have to” or “yeah, right” after receiving a compliment. If this happens to you, then you might want to reflect on what you are thinking and feeling during those times. Think about what you were taught growing up about receiving compliments. Were you ever given any? What were your primary caretakers responses to compliments? What were your primary caretakers’ responses when you were praised by others? What are your thoughts on how others should react when given compliments? What are your thoughts on modesty and bragging?

Perhaps some of the opinions and beliefs you live by regarding how you view yourself were influenced by factors growing up. It may be difficult to believe others have positive opinions about you because you don’t have them for yourself. Or maybe you never received any growing up, or they were shortchanged by your primary caregivers, and so you don’t know how to believe positive traits about yourself. Inspecting what makes it difficult to believe positive things about you will be the first step in allowing yourself to believe them. Once you have an idea of what may prevent you from believing positive things about yourself, then you must prevent yourself from countering your positive thought. In other words, tell yourself that you are good at something. You are loveable. You are unique and incredible. Say these things to yourself with out countering them. It maybe that the first few months feel forced or fake, but if you tell yourself enough- without negative counter thoughts- then it’s likely you will start to believe it.

Learning to love yourself can be a difficult task. You might not be able to think of anything that you like about yourself and might not believe what others say they like about you. You may have certain things that you like about yourself but other things that you don’t. Learning to love yourself means that you must take care of yourself. Setting boundaries, stopping negative thoughts, and soliciting things others like about you are beginning step towards learning to love yourself. Treat yourself with respect not only with the things you tell yourself but also in the way you physically handle yourself. Self-care and doing things to promote mental health wellness are important in respecting yourself. Loving yourself can ebb and flow and therefore writing down all the things that you like or love about yourself when you’re feeling self-loving is important for the days where you feel less deserving of your own love. Loving yourself opens you up for loving others in healthy ways. Lastly, remember that you’re worth loving. No matter what you’ve done; you are worth loving.

Fifty positive things to say to yourself:

1. I like who I am.

2. I’m not perfect, and that’s okay.

3. I made a mistake, and that’s okay.

4. I tried my best in this situation.

5. I have worth.

6. I am attractive.

7. I am kind.

8. I am better than I used to be.

9. I am working on improving myself.

10. I am enough.

11. I am good at ____.

12. I can do this.

13. I am funny.

14. There are a lot of great things about me.

15. I am intelligent.

16. I am human.

17. I can’t do this right now, and that’s okay.

18. I like ___ about myself.

19. I have people that care about me.

20. I am valuable.

21. I am a good person.

22. It’s out of my control and I am trying to accept that.

23. I can choose to forgive.

24. My thoughts and opinions matter.

25. That wasn’t so bad.

26. I survived.

27. I will take one day at a time.

28. I deserve good things.

29. It’s okay to be nervous.

30. My fears do not define me.

31. Today was rough, but tomorrow may be better.

32. I will try my best.

33. I am strong.

34. I am thankful even though right now sucks.

35. My feelings are valid.

36. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but I can handle this.

37. I believe in myself.

38. I am unique.

39. I have made it through worse; I can make it through this.

40. I will not give up.

41. I deserve respect.

42. I am a hard worker.

43. I haven’t been my best self, but I can turn that around. 

44. My life is none of their business.

45. Their opinions don’t shape who I am.

46. I will continue to love myself.

47. I like that I am able to ___.

48. I am lucky because ___.

49. There is no one like me.

50. I am incredible.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor

Molly has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

What to Do If You Want to Make A Change In Your Life

I wish there was one magical thing I could say that would make making changes easier- but I can’t. Making changes or working through transitions can be scary, even if we know that they could benefit us in various ways, there is something comforting about consistency. What happens when you think you want to make a transition but aren’t sure? Here you’ll read a bit about how to consider all options, remember change is typically never final, and learn a bit about the process of change.

Weigh It Out: Pros and Cons

Ambivalence is a term used to describe feeling unsure that one way is better than another. That might be one reason you’re stuck. You might be stuck due to fear of negative consequences. Perhaps you’ve considered making some life changes, but you’re not quite ready for the action. Well, that age old advice of writing out pros and cons is something that us in the mental health field call engaging in a decisional balance. Most therapists are going to urge a person to explore these pros and cons when a person is considering change. This technique is helpful when you are considering change but are unsure or feel like one side of the change is overwhelming, scary, or bad. I love demystifying the process of therapy and so the secret of having a successful decisional balance is having another person highlight outcomes that may not have been thought of independently. In other words, talk out all the pros and all the cons with a trusted friend, family member, religious leader, or therapist. Exploring all possible outcomes can help you make a decision that you feel both hopeful and confident in. Moreover, having another person present to supportively challenge any irrational thoughts of beliefs may help the one overwhelming side feel less overwhelming. Either way, engaging in a decisional balance is especially helpful if impulsive decisions are something you have a tendency for since change is scary. Contemplating both pros and cons is something that any serious decision should stand. Another piece of advice when making a big decision is remembering that rarely anything is final.  

Keep In Mind: Nothing Is Final (Typically Speaking)

Although we think or feel like something will last forever, most things aren’t final, except for death. If you make a transition that is difficult or things didn’t go as planned, you can modify what it is that you have done. Something might be harder than others to modify- like deciding that ending a relationship wasn’t a good choice and now the other party isn’t willing to engage. But you can modify your behaviors next time you start to think breaking up or separating is a good idea. Remember that if you take a change and try something, and then it doesn’t work the first time- inspect what went well and what didn’t go so well and try something adjusting.

Reflect- What Are You Really Afraid Of?

Would I really be a therapist if I didn’t suggest reflection on your feelings?! Answer this question: what is stopping me from making this decision? Better yet, answer this question: what feeling is coming up that is stopping me from making this change? This is something we typically end up exploring in individual therapy. For example, you can tell your friends that you don’t want to move because it costs too much money, but what does it mean to spend your money? Maybe you grew up watching your parents struggle financially for what they had and you learned that money is precious. Therefore moving would make you feel guilty for spending something that people struggle for. Guilt is a trigger for you and so you may be afraid of feeling that way. Reflecting on your internal experience and what it means can help shed some light if you are feeling stuck in making a transition. Once you’ve learned what is stopping you, you will be able to see a clearer picture of what transition you are appraising and can make an informed decision.

Know where you’re at

I think that half of the battle of change is knowing where you’re at. One of my favorite models of all time (actually used often with understanding addiction- just fun fact!) is Prochaska and De Clemente’s Transtheoretical Model of Change (1982)- also known as their stages of change model. It may sound like a mouthful but hang on and I’ll break it down for ya. The model is a stage model that is a circle because they recognized change is often very hard and people relapse back into old patterns of behavior. Since it’s a circle there isn’t really a “first” stage, but we will call pre-contemplation first stage. Pre-contemplation is when a person is engaging in a behavior and they are not considering change at this time. Let’s use an example- you are experiencing angry outbursts while waiting in lines. In pre-contemplation you have no desire to address your anger. Maybe you think it’s not productive, but there is not enough internal or external motivating factors for you to need to consider change yet. Pre-contemplation is just that; before you begin to consider change.

The second stage in the stages of change model is contemplation. Contemplation stage is when you’re considering change. Considering might be when you’re doing your pros and cons which was discussed earlier. You may daydream about different outcomes, but no changes in behaviors have occurred. In our angry outbursts example, you may have recognized that your temper in lines can be a problem. Perhaps you’re a prominent figure in the town and you want to maintain an appearance, or you feel out of control and don’t like your behavior- either way, you want to change. You begin considering different ways you could respond to your anger- such as walking away, taking deep breaths, or consider seeking counseling. Again, this isn’t where implementation of change occurs quite yet.

The next stage is preparation. Some things don’t require a lot of preparation such as choosing to get a trim at the hair place, while others may take many longer steps, such as filing for a divorce. Preparation are behaviors, thoughts, and feelings which allow a person to implement change. For instance, if you decide you want to see a counselor to gain some insight why those lines make you so irritated, preparation might look like calling around to different counseling offices, telling your partner you need to fit the money into the budget to pay for counseling, or asking off time from work to attend counseling sessions. The actual change has not occurred until the next step: action.

The action stage is what we have been waiting for! This stage is where one begins implementing the change they want to see. This maybe going to the counseling sessions and engaging in the reflection of anger when having an outburst. It may look like practicing skills in the line which could help you feeling calmer when you feel the tension rising. This is where change occurs, but it’s not the final step.

The last stage towards progress (but not the final stage) is maintenance. Change over a period of time, or when you’ve relapsed- aka falling back into old patterns- is the hardest part for a lot of people. Maintenance is when the new behavior replaces the old behavior you don’t want anymore. This is when you might still feel tense standing in lines, but you’re not ready to pounce on the first person who gets in your way. Maintenance is hard work as it takes a lot of effort to resist old patterns of behavior. This stage is one that if you’re not actively keeping in check, you’re likely to fall into relapse.

Relapse doesn’t have to be full on back to old patterns of behavior; with yelling angrily at others in line. It can be simpler slips back which are opposite from the desired behavior, like feeling tense and not practicing some deep breaths. Once a person has relapsed, they may begin the cycle again by hanging out in pre-contemplation- or they may snap right back into action. Again, the good thing about this model is that it’s not a destination; it’s suggests that our behaviors are always evolving and so with relapse there can be hope of sustained change in the future.

There are a couple things to keep in mind about this model. First, this wheel is not uni-directional. What that means is that it doesn’t just go from first stage to second and so on. A person can be in action stage and revert to preparation at any time. Another thing to consider is that change can occur rapidly or slowly. You might be in pre-contemplation for months before deciding you need to change a behavior and then over the next week you might fly through the rest of the stages. All of this to say that knowing where you’re at can help shed some light on where you should go. If you’re considering a transition, you can gage where you’re at on the transtheoretical model of change to determine how far you have come and how far you still must go.

Taking a chance and living through transitions are difficult tasks. Knowing if you’re making the best decision for yourself can be blurred when you haven’t fully completed a decisional balance, explored deeper meanings, and feel like the change is permanent. Knowing what stage of change you’re in will help enlighten your experience through your process of change. Change is not easy. Taking a chance is not easy. Doing the things in this blog will not guarantee that you will successfully navigate a change or transition, however, my hope is that it will help you feel a little more at ease and comforted in the fact that you’re making the best decision that you can. If making a change seems daunting even after reading this, contacting us to get set up would be another great change to make! Our team is dedicated to helping individuals take the steps towards where they would like to be in their life.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor

Molly is has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

How To Celebrate Pride Month

You may have seen the flags and Facebook profile filters indicating it’s pride month but you maybe asking yourself what do people do during this month. Pride month is in June every year and it celebrates all those who identify as gender or sexual minorities- also known as the LGBTQ+ community. This began as just a Gay Pride Day for many cities beginning in 1969 to commemorate the Stonewall riots in Manhattan (Library of Congress, 2019). The month is dedicated to celebrate the struggles and successes of those who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community and is filled with parties, parades, and community events. You might be asking yourself what a person celebrates for a whole month and I would be happy to answer that! Pride month is not just a month of getting wild and showing off your colors, it’s also a time to reflect on diversity and it’s implications. A time to be thankful that all love and expression is okay. It’s a time to enjoy what makes each of us unique. One great way to celebrate Pride month is to become an ally.

Become An Ally

So, many of you may think that all this stuff is great and all, but you might not identify as part of the LBGTQ+ community. You may want to wish everyone all the happiness in the world but don’t know what to do from there. One thing that you can do is become an ally. An ally is an individual who doesn’t identify as a gender or sexual minority but shows support for equal rights and fair treatment.

Becoming an ally doesn’t have to be an official act- like signing up on a website or registry. It can be as simple as telling others that you are one. The main point of being an ally is to show support, and support can be as vibrant as participating in parades or walks, voting and lobbying, petitioning, seeking out support groups like the Gay-Straight-Alliance, or pushing for more accepting work practices. It could also look like having a rainbow sticker on your car, talking about LGBTQ+ issues with friends, or wearing a button that says ally. Any of these show your support for the community as an ally. We frequently mention being allies at The Counseling Hub, participate in PrideFest in Columbia, offer sexual identity counseling, and enjoy educating on this month!

Why Is Being An Ally So Important?

I will make an assumption here that everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are and becoming an ally signals to the LGBTQ+ individuals in your life that you’re accepting them for who they are. Here are some scary statistics:

·      In 2012 the National Coalition for the Homeless and The Williams Institute at UCLA found that 40% of the youth being served in homeless shelters identified as LGBTQ+.

·      2010 American Progress Organization reported that LGB youth are 4 to 6 times as likely to attempt suicide. This creates a 30% suicide rate for LGB teens (2018)

·      2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey indicated that 41% of trans teens have attempted suicide.

These statistics indicate that individuals of the LGBTQ+ community are in need of people to support them. It’s not unheard of for individuals who identify as a gender or sexual minority to have family members who reject them which can lead to tremendous amounts of mental health, financial, and safety issues. Becoming an ally will signal that you’re a safe person that generally cares about others well being despite their identity.

Thinking About Writing Prompts

Being a counselor, I believe in the power of self-reflection. Spending time thinking deeply about something can be cathartic and peaceful. One way you can celebrate all month (or year) long is by reflecting through writing. Here are some writing prompts to help you maintain mindfulness of support and awareness. There are enough to respond to two a week.

·      When did you first hear about gender and sexual minorities (i.e., Lesbian, Gay, Trans, ect)?

·      What were your thoughts and feelings after learning that someone you knew identified as a gender or sexual minority?

·      What are your thoughts and feelings when someone has been treated unfairly?

·      When was a time you were treated unfairly?

·      What does it mean to have Pride in something?

·      Describe a time when you faced adversity?

·      Reflect on how your gender affects your life.

·      Reflect on how your sexual orientation affects your life.

·      What is your comfortability discussing your sexual orientation/gender? Are there any times you feel uncomfortable?

·      Imagine and write about a day if you were a different gender or had a different sexual orientation.

Let’s Party!

Everyone likes to have a good time (again, I am making an assumption). With that said, Pride month is a celebration and therefore there are lots of parties, parades, and get togethers. In most major cities, you’re going to be able to Google and find at least one parade full of rainbows, sparkles, and smiles. For instance, downtown Columbia hosts an annual Mid-MO Pride Fest which is often one Saturday during Pride month. In fact, you may have seen us there before handing out swag and raffling gift baskets! In the larger cities, like St. Louis and Kansas City, they also have annual Pridefests one weekend a month. You can also go bigger! New York has the largest Pride celebration in the United States which spans the entire month of June. If you want to experience Pride, going to a parade and celebrating LGBTQ+ struggles and contributions to society is one very fun way to do it. You will be immersed in a world that you may have no experience in, but it will be awesome!

Join a Group

            There are many different groups that show support to the LGBTQ+ community. Groups allow bridges between ally’s and the LGBTQ+ community. Some groups do community outreach, lobbying, or have regular meetings. During meetings education may be given to the friends and family of those who identify as LGBTQ+, dialogue about changes in policies, and feedback about what is going on in the organization or community is discussed. One group you can join is the Gay-Straight-Alliance (GSA) which often occurs at organizational levels (at schools, for example). These groups can be located using the GSA network website. There may also be unofficial groups in your area ran by local individuals.

Another group that you can join is the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). HRC is one of the largest civil rights campaigns which help those who identify as gender or sexual minorities. HRC’s symbol is a blue box with a yellow equal sign (you may have seen it around town on cars) and you can receive free stickers by simply requesting. The HRC was developed in 1980 and works with the legal system for equal care for those who are LGBTQ+. Their website is full of merchandise which help pay for lobbying and supporting those in need, blogs, and annual data reports. Joining a group can not only solidify you as an ally, it can further help support those in your community who identify as LGBTQ+.

Pride month is a celebration for those who identify as gender or sexual minorities. It’s a time to celebrate with friends and family that they might be different, but different isn’t bad. It’s a time to embrace differences of love and gender expressions of all kinds. Celebrating Pride month doesn’t necessarily mean that you identify with the LGBTQ+ community, rather, you’re excited that we live in a world where acceptance is celebrated. Becoming and ally can be one thing you do to celebrate pride month. An ally can help the LGBTQ+ community know they’re not alone on their quest for acceptance. You can be an ally in vibrant or subtle ways, but the important thing is to provide support. Another way that you can celebrate pride month is joining in the festivities, joining a group, and reflecting on your own attitudes and beliefs. Happy Pride Month y’all!

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Molly Lyons - PLPC

INDIVIDUAL AND COUPLES COUNSELING

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

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Resources

Library of Congress. (2019). About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Pride Month.Retrieved from https://www.loc.gov/lgbt-pride-month/about/  

Center for Disease Control. 2018. LGBTQ Health. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm

National Coalition for the Homeless. 2018. Retrieved from: http://nationalhomeless.org/issues/lgbt/

National Alliance on Mental Illness. 2018. LGBTQ. Retrieved from: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/LGBTQ

The Williams Institute. 2012. Retrieved from: http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Durso-Gates-LGBT-Homeless-Youth-Survey-July-2012.pdf

Sustaining Change When I Have Let Myself Down

How to Sustain Change When I Have Let Myself Down

It’s about that time of year where most people have fallen off the band wagon of their New Year’s resolution, got back on, and fell off again. Some common feelings when you have let yourself down is to feel like a failure, disappointed, frustrated, guilty, ashamed, or regret. You may be telling yourself that if you were more dedicated, if you were a better person, or if you really cared about your changes you would stick with them. Maybe some of that’s true, but most of the time people start with intention of finishing. Think about it: have you ever started something by saying to yourself I will just do half of this thing I really want to do and then tell myself I am not *insert negative self-talk here*. I don’t think so. So what stops people from finishing things they have started? Time, energy, mental space, emotional space, falling into old habits, familiarity, really the list is endless. What happens when you’ve let yourself down and you want to try to commit to a life change again? How can you overcome your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors to reach your goal? The first step; forgiveness of past failures.

Pre- goal setting: Forgiveness and trouble shooting

The first step in achieving what you want to achieve after you’ve made attempts which didn’t get you where you wanted is to allow forgiveness to yourself for not meeting your mark. Much easier said than done- right?! Here is one way to simplify this process.

First, get a piece of paper. Write down what you would say to your best friend if they were in your situation. You might tell them that they tried really hard, that they are strong, that they can achieve anything they set their mind to, that doing it perfectly (or the first time) isn’t always a reality.

Next, find a mirror and read it to yourself. Don’t miss this step. You really need to tell yourself that perfection doesn’t exist. That you are human, and as humans we let others down every once in a while- this includes yourself.

Third step, do step two repeatedly, or have someone else read the note to you. Telling yourself these thoughts- with out countering them with negative self-talk- can lead to forgiveness for yourself.

Remember, this is just one way you can start forgiving yourself! If you are having deep trouble with self-forgiveness, it may be beneficial to talk to a counselor for some one-on-one talk-therapy.

After you feel that you have forgiven yourself it’s important to evaluate why the goal may have flopped. Ask yourself what went well? What did not go so well? At what point did I start to fall off the beaten path? Reflecting over your goals; both the ones that worked and ones that didn’t will allow you to trouble shoot what happened and can give you insight for future goal setting.

Setting SMART Goals

The actual setting of goals is going to be one of the most helpful things on the follow through. That may sound like a “duh” but setting goals can be difficult. Say your end goal is to be happier; where would you even begin? That is where SMART goals come in. First off, you need to identify what being happier means!

S is for specific!

This is what we were trying to hone in on when we said we wanted to be happier. Does being happier mean that you stay away from toxic people? Does it mean that you eat green foods at every meal so that your mood improves? Does it mean that you go to couples counseling because you notice you feel more depressed after a big fight with your partner? A goal must be specific in order to even know what it is that you should be working on or looking out for.

Specific goals are ones that zero in on what exactly you are wanting. For example, being happier may mean spending more time with you pets, less anxiety, spending less time at work, decreasing marital conflict, or exercising more. For sake of consistency, we will choose to improve our happiness by decreasing marital conflict.

The M in SMART goals stands for measurable. How the heck are you supposed to know if you have made any progress if you have no way to measure to track? Think about our happiness goal. You decided you wanted to increase your happiness by decreasing martial conflict so now you must learn how to measure that.

First, you would want to get a baseline (figure out what you’re current conflict rate is). Measuring could be done several ways; how many times you felt defeated after a disagreement, how many times you raised your voice beyond regular talking, how many times you used a horseman (i.e., criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness). Once you get an idea of how frequently the behavior or feeling occurs, you can set your goal to reflect the change you want to see.

Let’s say you use criticism during every conflict and this horseman shows up 100% of the time. What would you like to see your criticism rate be, 50%? 25%? 10%? Ideally zero, however, we will go with 50% to start with. That means that you will need to reduce your critical statements to half of what you were doing previously. Measuring is a good way to keep track so your goal does not feel so overwhelming or intimidating.

A stands for achievable!

Once you have set your specific and measurable goal you must ask yourself, is this an achievable goal? How will you know if communication has increased? Think of it this way: if you are using criticism 100% of the time- that’s in every argument you have- would you realistically be able to drop to zero percent immediately? This could depend on how long you were stuck in this conflict pattern, however, generally speaking, you probably would want to shoot for the 50% or 25% range to begin with and work your way from there.

Making goals achievable will allow you to feel like you are not fighting an up-hill battle which can lead to more goal compliance. Another example is when individuals want to begin exercising. If a person who has a desk job wants to run a 5k and run the entire way but does not train and has never ran a 5k before is highly unlikely to achieve their goal. When this person doesn’t achieve their goal is when they may begin to have negative self-talk and doubt their ability to ever achieve this goal.

R stands for relevant. What about your goal makes it important to you? If you don’t care much about the outcome of your goal it’s probably fair to say that your motivation will fall off very quickly. I think it’s important that the goal is important to you for reasons you have, not for reasons of others. For example, you want to run a 5k because it’s on your bucket list, not because your friends are telling you to. Circling back to our conflict example, if you find yourself feeling depressed after arguments with your partner, then investing in constructive conflict is relevant. Another thing to ask yourself is if your goal is important to right now. You may want to improve your conflict, however, if your partner is out of the country on business it may not be the best time to start marital work.

T stands for time-bound. This means that the goal has a time limit. For instance, in six weeks you want to have reduced the criticism you display in conflict from 100% to 25% and at 12-weeks you want to reduce your 25% rate to 10%. Goals need a time frame so that you can hold yourself accountable and not use the preverbal “I’ll start that on Monday” line all diet and exercisers know all too well. Time limits also allow individuals to monitor progress.

Another piece of advice; set intermittent goals. Some goals may feel overwhelming when thinking about the big picture, which can lead to pre-mature quitting. If your goal is to run a 5k, you may need to begin by walking it first without taking a break. Once you hit that goal then you can set the goal of running for a quarter of a mile, then a mile, and continue the smaller goals until you are able to achieve your larger goal. Small successes can lead to big changes!

Put it all Together!

In summary, the first part of trying to achieve a goal that you’ve let yourself down before is forgiving yourself. This includes your self-talk being forgiving and allowing yourself to make mistakes. Once you have a solid foundation of acceptance of your mistakes or flaws you can begin by reflecting on what went wrong and well during previous goal setting/execution. Once you have a clear understanding of this you are ready to implement SMART goals. Be sure that your goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Using this method will help narrow in on what exactly it is you’re trying to achieve as well as how to get there. Finally, setting smaller goals inside your larger goal is a great way to not overwhelm yourself in what feels like an unattainable goal. Using SMART goals is a guide to help you achieve your goals, especially the ones you have let yourself down from!

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 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | Couples & Individual Counseling Intern

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and couples, and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a counseling intern at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings and completed additional training on LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Reflection Over the Year: Tara

I’ve been thinking about this post for a few weeks now, and it’s legit taken that long to finally put fingers to keyboard (or pen to paper, for those old enough to remember writing things out - ha [for the record, I prefer hand writing things]).

It’s either that I haven’t had the mental space to sit and reflect (for real - highly possible). Or it’s that I’ve been reflecting, but it’s been taking place quietly without my conscious intention (frequently my norm) - “percolating” is how I reference this phenomenon. Or it’s that it hasn’t felt over yet. As in, there’s still been loose ends to wrap up, so the year hasn’t felt over yet. Basically, that I’ve just been in it, and I haven’t actually been able to reflect because how do you reflect on something that you’re still wrapped up in, ya know? I mean, realistically, it’s a combo of all of the above.

This year has been the year of paradox and cultivation.

 I couldn’t decide on just one word. And these two don’t feel like enough, but they’re a good start.

Connected and Lonely

That main paradox is that I feel both deeply connected,but also immensely isolated and lonely. The isolated and lonely piece is almost fully wrapped up in being a group practice owner and entrepreneur (I hate that word, but it’s accurate). Before moving to Columbia, I lived in St. Louis (up until late 2016), and in addition to my part-time practice, I contracted with a group practice there (#LoveYouStillChangeInc). Ryan, the owner, and I became very good friends, and I still remember that time fondly. I also remember that he always seemed super busy, but I didn’t get why. I mean, he had a practice, so what was the big deal? He couldn’t have that much to do, right?

WRONG.

Having shifted into a similar (albeit, less busy) role, I realize how much I didn’t know. That’s neither here nor there, but my point is that it’s lonely. It’s hard to explain what I do (seeing clients is just one of my ‘roles’) to people who aren’t doing it. And that’s the plight of many people, I understand. I’m not trying to paint a woe-is-me picture. I’m simply trying to say that being in this position, as much as I freaking love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything (at this point - ask me again in 30 years) is also isolating. It feels relatively unique to be a group practice owner with a small child, and that uniqueness is also isolating.

At the exact same time, I’m more connected to legitimately amazing people than I ever have been in my life. This year has been un-freaking-believable with the amount of brilliant people I’ve met and developed relationships with. Seriously.

I’m surrounded by women (and some men, but mostly women for me) who are rockstars like you wouldn’t even believe. Group practice owner badasses, mompreneurs, wicked smart business women - all of it. I’m blown away on a weekly basis by the sheer amount of passion these women have, support they give, and brilliance they encompass. Blown. Away.

And I haven’t even started on my random group of mom friends.

First of all, stop judging, judgy mcjudgerson!! I know how that sounds. “Mom friends.” I hate that I’m even that person.

Second of all, yes, mom friends. I’m part of ONE (see?!) closed facebook group of moms (we were all due the same month) and, jeez, they’ve been a source of connection and support beyond what I ever thought was possible on the internet.

But even beyond that group, there are four women from this group who I’ve developed friendships with even further. Technically, we’ve developed friendships with each other. And, frankly, I’m a bit blown away by the amount of kinship I feel with women I’ve never met in person (#MySalties). We’ve messaged, texted, had group video calls, exchanged secret santa gifts, and disclosed way more about our personal lives than I care to admit here.

And it strikes me as ironic (paradoxical, amiright?!) that I can feel both of these things so strongly. Way isolated and way connected. What a freaking wild ride.

Cultivating

The other theme for me is that this year has been one of cultivating.

OH MY GOSH, CULTIVATING.

This should have been my middle name this year, when I think about it.

Ya know, I felt like a damn gopher or something (in retrospect). Spending my time burrowed underground - digging, foraging, hoarding, coming up for air to reassess and then diving back underground (also fitting because gophers are solitary critters).

And the cultivating hasn’t just been with myself. It’s been with the practice. I would say that it’s primarily been with the practice. It’s been a year of metaphorically planting seeds, tending to the land, scouring surroundings for the best places to plant, watering and caring for things that are beginning to sprout, and thinking about what will need to be trimmed and cleaved as it begins to grow so that it doesn’t take over.

It’s been a lot of hard work.

It’s been finding awesome people to bring on (seriously, I love our team), focusing on clinician growth (my own and everybody with the practice), and making sure the practice is healthy. All of which is to better and best serve clients. Which sounds kind of martyr-y, but I don’t know how else to say it. If there aren’t good clinicians, if we’re not growing as people and clinicians, and if the practice isn’t healthy, it all impacts negatively our ability to help clients and do exceptional clinician work. Which I’m not okay with (and I doubt anybody else is, either).

One of the things I kept saying to myself throughout this year was, “Long game, Tara. Long game.”

And what I meant to myself was that cultivating isn’t a short-term process. It’s a long-term plan. And please let me assure you that I am not the epitome of intentional planner, lest you think I am. So this is a huge shift for me (and one that I continue to make, as it’s not easy or natural).

A Little Extra (probably fitting, if you know me)

The other thing I’m realizing as I’m typing (which I why I recommend journaling - insights galore!) is how much my reflections and this year have been about the practice.

I love counseling so much, and it’s so damn important to me that people not only have good experiences, but that the work we do is exceptional. I don’t want to be a mediocre practice with mediocre clinicians. I want all the people who come into contact with us (whether referrals or clients or clinicians or assistants or parents or whoever) to have an experience that leaves them feeling cared for and empowered. And that might not even mean that they work with us, but it means that they have a phenomenal experience with us even if in passing.

That tangent aside, my realization is really about how much The Counseling Hub has become an integral part of my life. I often forget that I made the shift into full-time practice just this past May. Seriously. It’s crazy to think how much has changed since then.

Crazy and awesome. Mostly awesome, actually.

I left academia and opted to go full-tilt into private practice. It’s funny because when I think about it now, I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. And I also love what I’m doing so damn much that I sometimes feel like I’m living in a dream. I’d love if people had that same experience in their lives.

Intentions for 2019…?

If I’m being totally honest with myself (and in writing), then I need to make sure to get back in touch with cultivating my own self-care practice. I’ve set good boundaries (hahahahaha - okay, I’m trying to set good boundaries) with practice-stuff. But my burrowing and gopher-ing has left me out of touch with my own self-enriching practices. Right now, the practice work feels enriching (it is), but I want to play the long game (again, see what I mean?), and that means sustainable self-care.

For me (it’s different for everybody), yoga and journaling are the two things that keep me tethered and give me the most insight. Yoga shifts me real quick into my body and into the present moment. And journaling allows me to gather insights that I come to in time, but it speeds the process up in a healthy way. Plus, I like to put pen to paper (reference the first paragraph of this blog), and journaling is an easy way to do that.

And then there’s always the ‘easy’ stuff to do - eat cleaner (#LeafyGreensLoveMe) and drink water. Eating clean isn’t about weight loss, mind you, it’s about feeling good physically. Again, that’s my own take and how I utilize it. Drinking water helps me physically and with focus.

Also, staying more connected to friends. Being intentional about staying connected because, again, isolation is part of my world now and I don’t want that to be the case.

OH. And the final intention for 2019?

FINISH MY DAMN DISSERTATION SO I CAN OFFICIALLY BE TARA VOSSENKEMPER, PHD.

That thing!! UGH. I’m over it, but it needs to be done.

Long game, right?! LONG GAME.

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Reflection Over the Year: Machaela

Reflecting

I love reflecting. More than that, I love hearing others reflect. It’s kind of like “story time”. I have worked with kids for the vast majority of my life, so imagine the amount of stories I listen to. Listening to my own story, told by myself, is a bit of a challenge. We are our own worst critic. Nobody knows me better than I do. So, reflecting on myself has taken me a little while to put to words. There’s just so much! There are the small things that turned big (literally), like getting another dog; then there are big things like adding another job and counseling people. Change has come in waves for me this year. A lot of the change was positive, but it wasn’t all perfect.

Education

When I started my graduate program in the Fall of 2017, my professor told me, “This program will change you. If it doesn’t, well something was wrong.” She was right. At first, I thought, “Well, duh. I hope it does. I came here to learn and grow, didn’t I?” Now I see that it changed so much more for me. I don’t think all of my change comes from school, but school has impacted all areas where I have experienced change.

Within my education, I have had the opportunity to physically counsel at my practicum site. This would be where my primary growth occurred in my education. I learned the importance of all of these counseling skills and what it means to put them to work. I have had to write reflective papers about my “style” and learn who am I as a counselor.

A year ago, I had no idea what “holding silence” was like. I knew I liked when I was in a room alone, but I did not know what it meant to sit quietly in a room with someone.  I have grown to like silence. There’s something radical about sitting in a room and being quiet to allow the opportunity for someone to experience whatever it might be that’s going on for them. This has caused me to realize the patterns within those around me who might be quick to talk (like me) and how to slow down so that others might speak more. I have learned that my body language says a lot whether I mean for it to or not.

I am not saying I am 100% there. It takes years and years to learn who you are. Even then, there’s always room to learn and grow. This is one reason I continue my education. You can never learn too much! I have grown to become a practicing counselor, which is one of the most rewarding things I can imagine. Growth is a fascinating concept to me. I have always wanted to grow, but typically growing means putting yourself in a spot you have never been before (like sharing your life on a public website blog). While counseling individuals, I start somewhere in the beginning by telling my clients what counseling is to me. This can be different for everyone. For me, in short, it’s about creating a safe space for someone to explore who they are and who they want to be. Well, in order to become who you want to be, you have to be willing to let some parts of you go or morph into something new. Growth is hard and uncomfortable. I have worked hard in order to get to where I am. There have been plenty of times where it was uncomfortable and I thought I wouldn’t make it, but I came out a better version of myself along the way. I will continue to work hard and find a balance between all areas of life.

Work

In my process of going to school, I gained my job here at The Counseling Hub. I had the opportunity to have Tara Vossenkemper as a professor, and then become the client liaison. When this position came about, I was at a point in my life where I felt I was behind my classmates. I had no experience in the counseling field. I am so grateful for this job. I love when someone calls or emails in and takes that step towards becoming a better version of themselves. More than that, I love being the first person they contact. I have worked in retail previously, so I know the typical ways of communicating with others. Reflecting back on that job reminds me why I probably enjoy this position and my other position of working with children with autism. Both involve people and helping people. More than that, this job has shown me what a private practice will look like. I can only hope if I ever open one that it is like The Counseling Hub. I was nervous coming into this and even in my short time, I have watched it change so much. I have had the opportunity to learn about other counselors in the area and meet some here in our office. Change isn’t always easy for me, so finding a balance with this was really important for me.

If you ever have heard the saying, “Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel because energies are contagious” then you would know how I feel about my coworkers. I have surrounded myself with people who give me the type of energy I want. I want to be driven. I want to work hard. I want to have fun. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to be kind and compassionate. All of my coworkers have rubbed off on me, and all in good ways. Now, I will be going into 2019 with an internship at a fantastic place with some people I never knew I would end up with.  

Interpersonally

My life with my friends and family has been an area of growth this year. Wow, this makes the year feel long. This is where I start to realize that so much can happen in a year. Some things were never expected, while some were slowly creeping into my life.

Loss

When we think of loss and grief, typically this is associated with those who have passed away; at least for me this is how it has always been. I have learned about grief surrounding a slow death due to an illness this year. I know at some point, a family member of mine will pass away, and I am unsure how this will impact my family. Thinking of this has added a shadow in my life this year. It has caused stress. There’s little that can be done, and there’s a lot one wishes they could change. As I complete the social media for our Facebook, we focused on gratitude. I realized how deeply grateful I am for all that I have in my life. My health isn’t perfect, but I am alive. Sometimes I can get so caught up in how life is for others, that I miss how good it is for myself. Typically, I would say I am a very grateful person but there were a few streaks this year where this was not the case. This upcoming loss reminds me of all the time I have been given and never knowing what lies ahead. Thus, as I reflect, I realize what is truly important and what I would like out of my life.

Friendships & Families

This is always a tough reflection. As I stated above, I tend to see loss as occurring when someone dies. However, I have lost close friendships this year. I have lost friends who I thought were great to me, but I realized they were not. In replace of that, and not on purpose, I have gained a few as well. Some friendships have rekindled, and some have grown from a friend to a very special friend. I have continued to learn what it means to be a “good” friend and what I look for in friendships. I have had growth in my relationship as well. I have also had changes occur within my family. All of these are changes I wasn’t planning for. This is another trend in my life. I have learned that not everything can be planned. Not everything goes as planned. I have had to be flexible when I did not want to. The significance of this for me is the impact it has on my personal well-being and those around me. I know that family and friends are of the utmost importance to me. Finding the balance needed for this has been one for the books.

Individually

 I have started to learn the balance of self-care. I might not get to read the entire book, but I will find time for 20 pages. I know the importance of taking time off and seeing those you love. It’s difficult at times to balance all these areas of life. It makes me think of a balancing act. I have work in my left hand, school in my right, my relationship on my head, friendships on my left foot, family on my right foot, myself on my nose (if I could make that possible), chores on one shoulder, and everything else thrown in this tiny little basket on my other shoulder. How do we all manage to keep walking?! Well, sometimes one basket grows to take more from the others. Finding a balance has been one of my goals for this year. I know my professional growth is not near where I want it to be. I couldn’t even tell you where I want it to be, so I know I am not there. As a person, I know becoming a better version of yourself is always possible. My baskets will forever be changing and the balancing will teeter, but I know what I want to focus on moving into the next year! Although this is about reflecting, I am really excited (and somewhat frightened/nervous) to see what 2019 has in store!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Machaela Rausch- Client Liaison

Machaela is currently in her second year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Central Methodist University (CMU). She is the client liaison for The Counseling Hub where she assists with getting individuals set up with a counselor. She obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and a minor in Multicultural Studies from the University of Missouri.

 Machaela is currently receiving experience in the Counseling Center at MACC’s Columbia Campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identitiy crisis, school-related stressors, depression issues, coping with anxiety, and body image issues. Machaela has attended conferences regarding LGBTQ+ community and currently works for a non profit organization where she provides Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Implementing to individuals with developmental delays. Machaela has worked here for three years. Machaela is an active member of the American Counseling Association (ACA).

 Machaela enjoys working with diverse populations and aims to always be open to new learning experiences. Machaela seeks to be a comforting and kind individual for the first contact with The Counseling Hub. Machaela understands the process of getting into therapy can be difficult and aims to provide people with a smooth process.