Navigating Stress in Jefferson City, Missouri: Effective Strategies for Mental Well-being
Living in a bustling city like Jefferson City, Missouri, can be exciting and fulfilling, but it also comes with its fair share of stressors. From work pressures to personal challenges, managing stress is crucial for maintaining good mental health. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies and resources to help Jefferson City residents cope with stress and foster a greater sense of well-being.
Recognizing Stress Triggers
To effectively cope with stress, it's essential to identify the triggers unique to your life in Jefferson City. Whether it's a long commutes, demanding work schedule, or too many responsibilities, pinpointing these stressors allows you to address them head-on. Take time to reflect on situations that consistently induce stress and consider how they impact your mental health nd overall wellbeing.
Accessing Nature's Tranquility
Jefferson City is blessed with abundant natural beauty, making it an ideal setting for stress relief. Take advantage of the scenic surroundings by exploring nearby parks, such as Binder Park or Jefferson Landing State Historic Site. Engaging in outdoor activities like hiking, biking, or simply enjoying a leisurely stroll can be immensely rejuvenating and promote relaxation.
Seeking Supportive Resources
In Jefferson City, there are numerous resources are available to support individuals dealing with stress. The Counseling Hub is a local counseling service and mental health practice that offers professional guidance and coping mechanisms tailored to your specific needs. Our exceptional clinicians specialize in working with folks who are dealing with stress, anxiety, and relationship issues (amongst other things!). Additionally, consider joining support groups or attending workshops that address stress management techniques. The camaraderie and shared experiences can provide a sense of validation and reassurance, reminding you that you're not alone in your journey.
Prioritizing Self-Care
Practicing self-care is crucial for maintaining mental well-being. In Jefferson City, carve out time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's engaging in a hobby, taking a yoga class at a local studio, or pampering yourself with a spa day, self-care rituals help alleviate stress and foster a sense of balance in your life. Remember to prioritize sleep, exercise regularly, and nourish your body with healthy meals, as these factors greatly contribute to overall mental resilience.
Connecting with Community
Building connections and fostering relationships within the Jefferson City community can be instrumental in coping with stress. Attend local events, join clubs or organizations aligned with your interests, or volunteer for community service initiatives. Engaging with others who share similar passions can provide a support network and help you gain new perspectives. Social connections serve as valuable outlets for venting, sharing experiences, and finding solace during challenging times.
Living in Jefferson City, Missouri might offer a unique set of stressors, but it also provides ample opportunities for stress relief and mental well-being. By recognizing stress triggers, accessing nature, seeking supportive resources (like The Counseling Hub!), prioritizing self-care, and connecting with the community, Jefferson City residents can effectively cope with stress and cultivate a healthier, happier life.
Contact us today to get scheduled with a therapist in Jefferson City!
Emily | End of Year Reflection
Honestly, if I was going to pick any year of my life to reflect on, it would be this past year. Hands down. 2019 was the year of transition. It was transition and sudden change and everything in between. I’ve been thinking about writing this for the past couple of days and was constantly set back in my thoughts of, “how can I even put words to the experience of the last year?” or “I feel too many things where do I even start to reflect?” I’m a feeler.
Honestly, if I was going to pick any year of my life to reflect on, it would be this past year. Hands down. 2019 was the year of transition. It was transition and sudden change and everything in between. I’ve been thinking about writing this for the past couple of days and was constantly set back in my thoughts of, “how can I even put words to the experience of the last year?” or “I feel too many things where do I even start to reflect?” I’m a feeler. And right now, I could probably benefit from looking at the feelings wheel (which, if you’ve ever been in session with me, you will be familiar with because it’s amazing and I use it often). But honestly, it just reminded me that I ultimately feel grateful. Grateful that I have so much to reflect upon and explore within my life.
Jumping On The Ride
The past year has felt like a lot of things, but what I keep coming back to is the experience of riding a rollercoaster (sounds cliché, I know). Especially one that you’ve never ridden but have seen and felt immense fear to even go near in the past. The beginning of 2019 was like that moment where you finally decide to go all in and get in line. Everything that I had been working towards for the past decade (really my whole education) was about to be put into practice as I started my internship and began wrapping up my counseling graduate program. Even when I type this out I’m reminded of the moment I was about to see my very first client and the amount of “oh wow, this is really happening” level of fear that I felt. It was the point of the rollercoaster where you feel your stomach drop and accomplish your very first big hill on the track.
There was really no avoiding it—no matter how scared or doubtful or nervous I was to get myself out there, it was the risk that made it all worth it. It took practice to actively be vulnerable and sit with the hard feelings. When I got on that ride, it was almost as if everything happened at once. It’s been a whole year of being out in the counseling field and truly a year has never gone so fast in my whole entire life. Now that the year is over, I’m left with an afterglow type of feeling that feels proud and accomplished in the courageous moments. It makes me think, “hmm, what else can I try in the future?” It was in no way a perfect ride, nor should (or could) it have been. But it was an experience that was unique to me and my life story. Every session, supervision, meeting, blog, note, class, paper, reflection, served a specific purpose in my growth this past year. And if I’m being completely honest, as scared as I was to actually start my counseling career and leave my classroom comfort zone, it has been by far the most rewarding journey I’ve embarked on. Now when I look at that rollercoaster, I get excited and feel grounded in the fact that, yeah, it’s going to be real scary sometimes. But in the end, it will all be worth it. No matter what, there is something to be learned from moments of vulnerability.
Cue the Highlight Reel
The counseling arena of my life was definitely the highlight of my year. Not only did I start internship, but I finally **finnnnnnnnnnallly* graduated. For me, this was a huge accomplishment because I was never one that vibed well with school in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I tried and I showed up and I was present, but I was not really present in the way that school required. If you would have told me five years ago that I would be graduating from a Master’s program and about to start my dream job, I would have seriously thought that you were joking. It took a lot of hard work, sacrifice, crying, feeling, late nights, and self-reflection, to get to the point of walking across that stage. But it happened! I realized that I’m stronger than I think I am and I feel like that’s important for people to remember. You are strong! If you are reading this right now: You have made it to here by no shear luck alone, you did that. You made it. Sometimes even just making it through a tough week, or surviving a terrible breakup, or persevering to finish a paper, can serve as an act of strength.
Congruency
I learned a lot in 2019 that was applicable to life, but what the lesson that really drove it all home for me was the idea that conflict or confrontation can be (and totally is) a healthy aspect of growth in your relationships (romantic, friendships, family, yourself!, etc.). At this point last year I was still absolutely conflict avoidant and terrified of any type of negative interaction with my peers. Don’t get me wrong, it was something that I experienced and processed, but never in a positive light. But what I realized was that while conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a chance to deepen and understand the connection. If there is no conflict, what is changing? Is there opportunity to grow together rather than apart? Is this a chance to be honest that might be missed otherwise? I had never realized that most of the time when I was being avoidant of conflict I was really just not expressing my needs in fear that the other entity would reject or not be able to sit with them. I was missing out on chances to be truly transparent and congruent…honest. Earlier this year in one of my courses, a professor was talking with us about the importance of being ‘congruent’ and what it looks like in the counselor role. The idea that you are your most true self and your actions and thoughts aligned with that sense of self. I found myself reflecting on the fact that if I was not speaking my truth and using my voice in my relationships, was I being congruent? It took (and continually takes) practice to be comfortable with the fact that valuable lessons can be uncomfortable and challenging. Most of the time, the most valuable lessons are the most challenging. It’s a balance between acknowledging the uncomfortable and relishing the comfort.
Hello, Old Friend 2018 Emily
This next year is a new decade…let me say that again… DECADE. How surreal is that? Now is definitely the time for new beginnings and for fresh opportunities. I keep thinking about how much can change in one year, and now just thinking about a whole decade?! Talk about change. With every new year comes a chance to start over and do something new. A chance to take a risk and move forward (or backward if need be—it may be necessary to take a step back from something if it may be hindering). If I could go back and tell 2018 Emily anything, it would be to be honest. Be honest with others and even more so with yourself. So many times this past year I was not honest with the people around me and ended up sacrificing my own needs and feelings. When in reality, what if the people around me could have given a sense of insight I wouldn’t have once had? In turn, I was not truly being honest with myself or really understanding what was happening when I was in need of something. This came with unset boundaries and loss of possible self-care opportunities. I think that the Emily a year ago needs to hear that saying “no” and being able to stick to what she says in terms of boundaries is a form of self-care that she is missing but could truly benefit from. Someone shared a quote recently that said, “Have the courage to say what you need in the moment. Most people aren’t mind readers. Two things will happen: You’ll either get what you need or realize that the source you are asking doesn’t have the capacity to deliver. Both are gifts.” Written by the lovely Jada Pinkett Smith. This quote felt necessary to mention when reflecting on lessons learned throughout the past year and I really struck a chord. Most people aren’t mind readers! I constantly forget that, especially being a person that feels allllll the feelings. My 2018 self really would have benefitted from hearing this quote.
Thank You, 2019
Regardless, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the point of giving advice to my past self if I hadn’t of gone through the sequence of events that happened in 2019. Again, it comes back to balance; balance of being grateful for things that transpired and the way that they did, but still feeling obligated to come up with better solutions and pushing a lesson. I feel it will do me best to “just be” as previous professor used to always tell me. There is beauty in the ability to just be. As 2020 approaches, I’m feeling very excited and driven to take on all the emotions, obstacles, challenges, and opportunities that present themselves—high risk or low risk. Sending good vibes to everyone as they take on this new decade
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emily Lind | CIT | Individual Counseling
Emily recently graduated from the Master of Education in Counseling program at Stephens College, here in Columbia, MO. She is active in the student led Stephens Counseling Association, and is also a part of the American Counseling Association (ACA). Prior to graduate school, Emily received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at the University of Missouri (Columbia). Emily enjoys working with both adolescents and adults as they process their growth through counseling. She collaborates best with individuals looking to embrace their true identity, find their inner confidence, recognize innate strengths, and find a way to effectively cope with transitions, depression, and anxiety. Emily is eager to experience and train for working with couples and families, a scope of her practice that will have a clear advantage based on her early childhood education experience.
Tim | End of Year Reflection
Hurried growth for me is difficult to maintain and handle, whether it is personal or professional. It comes with more frequent setbacks and I think the positive outlook, along with patience, has allowed me to not feel defeated. I’m still a mess at time, but I’m starting to believe that my “mess” is actually organized chaos. I’m happy with the tasks that I have and when I’m unable to take time to reflect, I have a much different view.
Upon starting this blog, I was really struggling to decide the topics I would cover. This is a reflection, and it should be easy for me to find a couple of topics to go over for the past year. It turns out that the struggle tends to be where to focus. 2019 has been a busy year on the work front and in my personal life. That’s not to say that there is a lot of trouble in 2019, but to give credit to how many things I thought were accomplished.
I think I mentioned in my reflection from 2018 that there were a couple of additions to my home. I will still reflect on them positively, but I don’t think I realized how much of an impact they would have on my life. These new relationships become more demanding over time and tend to take up more space in my life. This can be overwhelming. I realized that taking advantage of every time that I have to enjoy myself should be first nature, no matter where these enjoyable experiences. My responsibilities have become demanding, just as I have worked towards. I’ve spent more time focused on what I need to do in order to become “successful,” even at times sacrificing other priorities. When looking back at the year, I almost begin to feel guilty about these things that I have set aside to feel more confident about myself and my role as a friend, partner, and provider.
Change
These previous statements could easily have you guessing that I need to change the way I approach my responsibilities. However, I’m not sure that I do. I have a lot of personality and a lot of energy tied up in what I do for work and hobbies. These things are important to me and provide me happiness elsewhere. I really believe I would be miserable without it. I think I cycle through this feeling of guilt and this understanding that I need to work hard at what I love. It’s difficult to understand how you come across to others at times, but I know I’m a happier person when I’m improving. Whether the improvements be at work or with my relationships, my pride and feeling of accomplishment becomes very apparent to me (and others, I imagine).
In this way, I am healthier to be around. I’ve allowed myself to set boundaries that I was once uncomfortable with. I’ve felt more confident about my approach to others, truly believing that the way I am operating is the best way for me and the most beneficial to others. That’s one thing that always stuck out to me. I’ve witnessed situations where people want to be better to others. They don’t care what it takes, but they want to be liked. I feel like I’ve finally decided that I’m much better for others if I am taking action on finding my own happiness versus trying to make sure they were happy. In the future, I see my growth still leaning towards being authentic versus censoring myself for others. This is still something I’d love to work on and don’t feel like there needs to be a stopping point.
I’ve just discovered that how I feel directly relates to the way I treat others. I want others to be happy around me, and even more so if I’m happy as well. I want to feel like those around me enjoy themselves. It’s odd for me to process through this, as it has been obvious and mostly unacknowledged for the majority of the year.
Growth In All Directions
I’ll continue to reflect in broad terms when addressing the growth around me. It seems that the growth I’ve witnessed this past year has been across all fronts. This is difficult, given that change can be a struggle, but I definitely look back at it with reasons to celebrate. Witnessing our team grow at The Counseling Hub, I couldn’t help but look at it as an opportunity to grow clinically and a reason to remain confident in my abilities and the abilities of others. If I’m feeling confident, I usually find myself thinking about relationships and connections that I can learn from. The growth of these relationships has not only benefited us as a practice, but are very significant for myself. I enjoy having conversations with new people, and that opportunity is always presenting itself.
Growth at home looks much different. It’s a different type of growth, but it is still very satisfying on a personal level. My oldest, a large, rambunctious, adolescent dog, has become much more of partner to whoever is home with him. Training in the earliest part of this past year has helped so much and reminded us that we need to keep him busy. It’s a lot of simple games, but he tends to avoid trouble when he is performing tasks. Imagine that!! He is attached to us and is very protective, which can be very frustrating as going to the restroom alone happens very infrequently anymore. However, I always find myself remaining thankful for the presence and excitement that he brings to our home. He is a protector and through one minor sickness this year, we were reminded of how much we care for him and his bumbling through our home with less grace than we thought possible.
My daughter has developed into a very social child that has altered most of what I believed my future would look like. I don’t feel that I’ve (we’ve) given much up for her. Instead, I feel that we’ve been given much more opportunities for joy and new experiences. The experiences, or growth with a positive spin, are not always enjoyable. Continued growth has come with surprises and laughs that continue to brighten the way we move through life at home. It also comes with worry as any first-time parents would experience. It’s been a ride, and I think I’m right where I would like to be.
Through these experiences, I’ve been reminded that my positivity is so much more important than I imagined. Items can be replaced, and there is no need to damage a relationship due to the stress that comes with the loss and damage of the items that we covet. These small inconveniences caused by true inexperience are easy to forgive. This period is transitional and not permanent. There is no need for me to interpret this as a stressful time in my life. I want to look back and remember the humor and positive growth, rather than to focus on the setbacks. Of course, it’s easier to see this now. I’m not sure I had this view earlier in the year, but I’m glad I’m able to reflect on this with this attitude. Realizing that I can give energy to certain thoughts and refrain from energizing negative thoughts has been relaxing. That’s a newer idea for me, as I tend to move from thing to thing in order to stay busy. Given that I’ve had time to sit and think, I definitely have to continue to remind myself that I can have more control than I’ve allowed myself in previous times.
Moving At My Own Pace
Hurried growth for me is difficult to maintain and handle, whether it is personal or professional. It comes with more frequent setbacks and I think the positive outlook, along with patience, has allowed me to not feel defeated. I’m still a mess at time, but I’m starting to believe that my “mess” is actually organized chaos. I’m happy with the tasks that I have and when I’m unable to take time to reflect, I have a much different view. I can begin to feel overwhelmed, until I realize that I have everything I need and am continuing to grow in many areas of life. I also find comfort in this change, given that most of the changes around me are growth, therefore appearing more positive and easier to accept.
While approaching the end of this reflection, I have come to realize that it is much more difficult to reflect accurately when thinking about the busy that comes with the holiday season. It’s important to understand that this time of year can be exactly what you want it to be. This is a time for family, but all families look different and families can appear in many different groups. I’ve tried to keep in mind that I should connect meaningfully with those that I enjoy. We’re told to enjoy the holidays, so we should be allowed to take the necessary steps to ensure that this is truly a time we enjoy. Set those boundaries and spend that quality time with those you love! Engage in activities that are enjoyable and allow yourself to decline an invitation if it is overwhelming! Keep in mind that many obligations we have were self-decided. While I made the decision to engage, I’ve also exercised my right to engage in self-care. It’s important to make decisions that are for you rather than decisions that are made for others around us. I, mistakenly, have been consumed with this tense feeling that accompanies the holiday rush and that pulled me away from much of what I typically enjoy. It initially made the reflection more difficult.
This year is coming to a close without many regrets and I’m thankful that this is my situation. I’ve gone into many new years thinking that I could’ve done more, and I finally feel like I am in a great position. I’m looking forward to further growth and continuing to build on the relationships that I have established. I’m looking forward to continuing to take time to focus on my family and my interests in order to feel less resentful about the obligations that I have. It’s important to be able to find balance in life, and I feel like I’m approaching this goal consistently and at a satisfying pace.
Looking at it now, I’ve realized that this reflection helped to refocus myself on the things that matter most to me. Closing out 2019 is an exciting idea for me! New goals, not necessarily resolutions, are in my thoughts for 2020. I feel like I’m embracing these goals more than I have in previous years. I’m encouraged, and I hope there are similar feelings around me.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TIM FITZPATRICK
PLPC | INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING
Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.
Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.
Molly | End of Year Reflection
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
Reflecting On 2019
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
What’s the Same?
Before I dive into what has changed and what I would like to improve in 2020 I wanted to check in and say what is still the same. Three things have been the same this year; my self-care, family chaos, and being a counselor. First, self-care was a goal for 2018 which I carried into 2019 and it is still going strong. Last year I reflected on taking more time to myself in the form of eating better and I am very proud to say that I am still on the bandwagon. Secondly, my family is always chaotic. With five kids all the time, and a sixth every other weekend chaos is my middle name. Not to mention having three nephews and five nieces all under the age of 10 who I love to visit with. Chaos is stressful (thank you captain obvious). With that, I still have many days where if all the kids are still alive I mark it as a success. Lastly, I am still counseling (again-duh). I love learning about people, getting to know them beyond talking weather, and helping them sort through their minds. I love going into work and that is such a great feeling. With that said, a lot of things have changed over the last year.
What’s Different?
Exercise
For all of you out there: exercise really does improve your mood. I think in a world where you can take a pill and expect to feel better quickly, reaping the benefits of exercise (which can take a long time to kick in) isn’t worth it. Well, last year shortly after Christmas I started to do a daily exercise. I started out with a 30-minute body-weight strengthening exercises. Over the course of the year it turned into the 30-minute exercise into that plus running for 15-minutes every day. I never- I repeat NEVER- have been a runner in my life. This was such a monumental thing for me. The long and the short of it- I feel so much better. I am not only physically healthier, but I am mentally more healthy too.
No School
One of the things that I am most proud of is graduating. To be completely transparent, I never in a million years imagined that I would hold a master’s degree. I never wanted to go to college because I hated school! Going to college has been a huge deal in my family. My grandma and grandpa dropped out of school in 8th grade and I am the first person in my family to obtain a degree. The best part of graduating (as most of you could guess) is not having to do homework or assignments. Actually, I didn’t mind doing the work because I liked learning about most of the stuff I was taught. But, the ripple effect of not having to do the work is that I no longer need to forfeit time with my family to go to evening classes or do homework on the weekends. I do like being busy and being a busy body means that I fill that time in with doing things I didn’t have time to do around the house before or do activities with the kids. Not having to do classes or homework means that when I want to learn something, I can take my time and be intentional about it. Making it all the more meaningful.
Working hard on my marriage
As any couple that has been together many years, or any couple’s counselor out there, knows marriage takes a lot of work. It requires empathy. It requires giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. It requires you to take responsibility when you mess up. It requires inspecting your flaws. One goal I set for myself coming into 2019 was to focus more energy into my marriage. It’s so easy to get stuck in a routine and let the relationship take back seat. Easily, you lose sight of what you want from your relationship. For example, I want to be happy- cool- but what does that really mean? Does that mean having more playful interactions? More date nights? More checking in about your days? For my marriage, my focus was to have predictable time we spent together to just hang out. No talking shop- which is easy to do when you have kids- just time to be two people who fell in love. I talk to couples all the time about the Gottman Magic Five Hours. They found that couples who spend five hours connecting in meaningful ways have happier relationships. My husband and I started to put kids to bed at 8:30 every night and spend a half an hour Sunday through Thursday nights just hanging out. No interruptions. For those of you math people, you might notice that is not five hours, but let me tell you, doing this has been the best decision I have ever made for my marriage. Not joking. Not to say that we had it bad, but I believe there is always room for improvement in your relationships. Again, being intentional about my marriage has done wonderful things for my relationship, my mental health, and my family.
What Do I Still Want To Improve?
Boundaries
Generally speaking, I like to think I am good with boundaries. I bet most people do though. I know what I can and cannot handle as far as work, tasks and goals I set for myself, and friends and family. One area where I need to improve boundaries is with people who are negatively affecting me. It’s easy to say I am not going to let this person do xyz until the moment they do. If you think about it long enough, I am sure most of you can think of a person who you give up more than what you would like to keep them happy (or just keep the peace). A friend who plays the victim, an aunt who is “out spoken” about what you should and shouldn’t do, or a coworker who winds up dumping all the responsibility on you. I don’t have these exact situations, but I do have something of the sorts. Not that you or I intentionally let these people do these things, but it happens for good reason. I don’t want to make my friend feel attacked because I love them. I don’t want to upset my Aunt because she will not let me live it down the next four holidays. I don’t feel like I can say anything to this coworker because it will go in one ear and out the other, nothing will change, and then it will just make things weird. All valid reasons. The problem then, is where is my boundary? It may go to hell if I discuss my concerns with them, but maybe it won’t. At the end of the day, I know that I will feel better about myself if I say what I need to say to respect myself. If I tell the person that it might hurt what I have to say, but I need to say it because it’s important to me. That I will take some advice from my aunt, but there are some topics I won’t discuss with her. That my coworker can give me some responsibility, but I will not take it wholly. Reflecting on what has stopped me from setting boundaries in the past has been things like fear, conflict avoidance, and trying to make others happy. The expense is my mental health and self-worth. So setting more boundaries with people is something I am going to work on in the next year.
Being present
This one is super hard for me. This is probably the hardest thing that I’ve tried to do and have failed many times. Being present to me means that I can put aside all other things happening and focus intentionally (and intently) on whatever it is that I am doing. Not to get too personal, but a lot of my existence has been survival mode. Trying to make ends meet and things done when there was a lot that was trying to push me backwards. For example, trying to get a large paper turned in when I have to go to work the next day and two kids are throwing up. At times, me trying to get to the next step was the only thing I could focus on when everything else in life felt like it was in shambles. Naturally, when a person lives in a mode of always thinking about the next step, when that isn’t necessary anymore it’s not something you just stop doing. I constantly think about what’s the next step- what’s the next goal? The byproduct of that is missing opportunities of being present. In 2020 I want to start living more in the moment. Since life has slowed down due to me getting a job that pays well, not having homework, and kids getting a bit older and more independent it seems like the perfect time to start being more present. I am going to try to take many of the small moments that got shoved aside and be there. Feel these moments. Savor these moments. I hope that when this happens, I can step out of survival mode and enjoy life a little more.
Not being complacent
I used to think that someday I would reach a point where I wouldn’t need to worry about learning more. I could just go into my workplace, get the job done, go home and not think about it. Well, in the world of counseling, boy did I have it all wrong. One thing that you learn in graduate school for counselors is that there is no final destination. There is not a time where you will know everything and that’s it. That sounds silly as I type it out, because of course you could never know everything. I guess in my head it was something like if I learn everything there is to know about counseling then I can just do it. I won’t have to stress about feeling like I have to learn anything else. Because learning is related to school, and school is stressful. Basically, I wouldn’t have to invest any more. The problem with this theory (besides the obvious that I couldn’t possibly ever know everything) is that it can lead to stagnation. It can lead to complacency. Something that is terrifying to me as a person that values self-improvement. A goal that I have for myself over the next year (probably the next several years) is to be mindful of becoming complacent. As mentioned earlier, for so long it was nose to the grind and do whatever it takes to get the job done. Now there is no more schooling and I don’t want to stop self-improvement. Growth is important and I want to be sure that I continue to do that.
It has been a wonderful year. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened. Many things are the same. I hope to change a few things moving forward. Setting boundaries for relationships that aren’t healthy for me, being more present in the moment, and striving for a healthy dose of self-improvement are things I hope to work on in 2020. I hope all of you can set yourself some goals and actively work towards them too. I can’t wait to check in at the end of the year next year and see how it has gone!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor
Molly has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
First Time Parenting & Your Mental Health
Whether your have been preparing for several years to be a parent or you were caught by surprise, first time parenting can be intimidating. You may not know what to expect because every one may be telling you different things. You may have been told conflicting things like infancy is exhausting or that it’s the easiest stage since all they do is sleep. One thing is for certain: you’re overwhelmed with love and other emotions
A Parent’s Mental Health
Whether you have been preparing for several years to be a parent or you were caught by surprise, first time parenting can be intimidating. You may not know what to expect because every one may be telling you different things. You may have been told conflicting things like infancy is exhausting or that it’s the easiest stage since all they do is sleep. One thing is for certain: you’re overwhelmed with love and other emotions! If you’re taking home your baby, there are a few things that you need to know about the baby, but there are also things you need to know about taking care of yourself and your relationship. Focusing on your baby shouldn’t replace your mental and relational health.
What to Expect- Sleeping for Baby and Sleeping for You
Bringing home a new born is full of excitement and challenges. Emotions can be high as reality sets in that you’ve finally become a parent! Infants can require a lot or minimal amounts of attention depending on the temperament of the child. Some babies may prefer to be held while others may prefer self-entertaining. Some babies may want to breast feed while others prefer a bottle. One frequent topic which occurs has to do with sleep. Sleep for infants is bizarre! Newborns generally sleep 16 hours or so a day. They often sleep during the day and are awake at night at first. They will sleep for small stretches at a time as they wake up to eat every two to five hours (Erford, 2017).
What this means is that parents need to nap while baby is napping. Sleep has so many effects on mental health. For example, extreme lack of sleep can mimic symptoms of schizophrenia. Sleeping for parents is super important also to avoid frustration. Shaken baby syndrome may occur when parents are overloaded and exhausted. Babies around six months old generally sleep through the night and have an established sleeping pattern with most sleeping 12-hours a night (Erford, 2017).
Here are a few guidelines for infant sleeping:
Always place a child on their back to sleep
Don’t place pillows or stuffed animals in their sleeping space (they’re cute, but not safe)
Don’t leave animals (specifically cats) in the room while your child sleeps.
These things have been linked to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It’s also highly recommended that you don’t sleep with your infant when they come home. There have been many accidents when exhausted parents fall asleep and roll over on top of their infant causing death. In summary, sleep is very important for a developing baby as well as the mental health of their parents.
To Hold Baby or Not to Hold Baby- That Is the Question
Alright, here’s the question all new parents may be asking themselves: Should I pick up my crying baby? Answer: there’s no one correct answer. As mentioned earlier, babies have different temperaments. Meaning, some will generally be fussier than others. Some may be calmer than others. Yet some babies may need more social interaction than others. They’re human beings and so they’re going to vary with their wants and needs.
With that said, picking up a crying infant isn’t inherently good or bad, it depends on what your beliefs and values are regarding parenting.
If you pick up your child every time they cry, then they will likely expect to be held a lot of the time. If you don’t mind holding your child often as you see it of a sign of secure attachment or want to foster healthy dependency- then do it!
If you rather let them cry for a short amount of time as you want them to learn to self-soothe and be independent- then do that!
Personally, I think that moderation is key to just about all things in life. One suggestion, although it can be beneficial to let the baby “cry it out” on occasion (i.e., mom is only one home and she needs a shower), babies that are frequently not responded to can develop undesirable attachment styles which can affect their relationship patterns throughout their entire lives. Again, the key is moderation. Take care of your baby but reflect on the message and values you want to instill in your child and your relationship with them.
Taking Care of Yourself
One of the most important things to know about bringing home a baby is that there is one person you may not have thought needs just as much attention…you! It may be easy to dismiss or deprioritize yourself when the infant demands attention and everyone else is asking questions about them. Simply stated, your needs matter too! Whether you were the one who just birthed a beautiful baby into the world, or you are a devoted partner, taking care of yourself is so very important. Think of it this way: you can’t help someone else before you help yourself. I mean, I guess you could, but you wouldn’t be as effective as you could’ve been if you gave yourself some TLC first. So what in the world does taking care of yourself mean? If you rearrange the words you will find the oh so popular phrase self-care. Ask yourself: what did self-care look like pre-baby? Taking a long shower, getting your hair trimmed and styled once a month, watching your favorite show, visiting with a friend, going to individual counseling, or getting a nap in. Continue to do your self-care. Those naps maybe interrupted by a crying baby, but you can take turns with who feeds and changes the baby which allows you a break and recharge. Your baby deserves the best parent you can be. You can’t be your best self for your partner or your baby if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Taking Care of Your Relationship
Ah yes, we finally got to the part about your relationship- my fave! It’s well known that relationships take a hit when a baby arrives. This is true even if the pregnancy was intentional and you and your partner were madly in love. Relationship dissatisfaction can be caused by many things but the number one is giving all the attention to nurturing the baby and not each other. Not saying you shouldn’t give your baby ample attention, but when you’re used to coming home and spending 20-minutes debriefing your day and showing affection is replaced by irritability and chores, it can be difficult to connect on a deep emotional level with your partner. You must make time for your partner and continue the bond of communication. Too often couples get sucked into devoting every waking minute into their children and they forget why they wanted to have a child with this person to begin with. Protect your time with your partner. Make them a priority to go on a date (and avoid talking about chores or baby talk on your date!). If you lose the things which kept you connected, you may feel lonely and more overwhelmed. If you’re reading this blog before baby, you can arrange a sitter to come predictably to make sure that setting time aside doesn’t fall in the cracks and get lost. Also, I know it might be hard to leave baby- but your relationship is worth it.
Single Parenting
Single parenting is on the rise as more individuals are having babies outside of marriage or committed relationships, deployment occurs, adoption has become easier (not easy by any means- but easier), career women decide they want to be mothers, and medical interventions are developed. Single parenting comes with it’s own challenges. You may feel obligated to give your child as much love and attention as a two-parent household. This can be taxing on your self-care routine, your budget, and your emotional stock tank. You must reflect on your emotional stock tank so that you don’t become drained. As if it wasn’t said enough; you cannot be the best parent you can be if you are not taking care of your self. I urge you to lean on those in your support system and be sure to continue self-care while continuing to recognize your self-worth as an individual. Self-care may look different being a single parent as you can’t let the other parent take a turn, so you may have to get creative. Get dressed up and eat a nice dinner by yourself. Take yourself out to a movie. Whatever you can do to refill that emotional tank.
Final Thoughts
Here you will find a quick summary of what you just read. Your mental health is important. Taking care of your mental health when bringing a baby home can help you be the best parent, partner, and self you can be. Sleep is very influential to mental well-being. Having an infant can drastically alter your sleeping pattern and can lead to a deterioration of your mental health. Nap while baby is napping; be aware of the safest ways babies sleep, and take turns taking care of your baby will help reduce the impact of lack of sleep. Holding your baby when they cry is a parenting preference on what you believe is important and good. Just don’t let the baby cry it out too much- you don’t want your baby to feel abandoned. Take care of yourself through continued self-care. You must take care of yourself to be able to fully care for another. Don’t neglect your relationship, which is extremely easy to do. Make your partner and connecting with your partner a priority. Lastly, single parenting is more common and comes with more challenges. Self-care is even more important when you’re a single parent as you can’t let another parent take a break. Lean on your support system. Lastly, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW BABY!
Molly Lyons- PLPC
Individual and Couples Counseling
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
Reflection Over the Year: Tara
That main paradox is that I feel both deeply connected, but also immensely isolated and lonely. The isolated and lonely piece is almost fully wrapped up in being a group practice owner and entrepreneur (I hate that word, but it’s accurate). At the exact same time, I’m more connected to legitimately amazing people than I ever have been in my life. This year has been un-freaking-believable with the amount of brilliant people I’ve met and developed relationships with.
Seriously.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a few weeks now, and it’s legit taken that long to finally put fingers to keyboard (or pen to paper, for those old enough to remember writing things out - ha [for the record, I prefer hand writing things]).
It’s either that I haven’t had the mental space to sit and reflect (for real - highly possible). Or it’s that I’ve been reflecting, but it’s been taking place quietly without my conscious intention (frequently my norm) - “percolating” is how I reference this phenomenon. Or it’s that it hasn’t felt over yet. As in, there’s still been loose ends to wrap up, so the year hasn’t felt over yet. Basically, that I’ve just been in it, and I haven’t actually been able to reflect because how do you reflect on something that you’re still wrapped up in, ya know? I mean, realistically, it’s a combo of all of the above.
This year has been the year of paradox and cultivation.
I couldn’t decide on just one word. And these two don’t feel like enough, but they’re a good start.
Connected and Lonely
That main paradox is that I feel both deeply connected,but also immensely isolated and lonely. The isolated and lonely piece is almost fully wrapped up in being a group practice owner and entrepreneur (I hate that word, but it’s accurate). Before moving to Columbia, I lived in St. Louis (up until late 2016), and in addition to my part-time practice, I contracted with a group practice there (#LoveYouStillChangeInc). Ryan, the owner, and I became very good friends, and I still remember that time fondly. I also remember that he always seemed super busy, but I didn’t get why. I mean, he had a practice, so what was the big deal? He couldn’t have that much to do, right?
WRONG.
Having shifted into a similar (albeit, less busy) role, I realize how much I didn’t know. That’s neither here nor there, but my point is that it’s lonely. It’s hard to explain what I do (seeing clients is just one of my ‘roles’) to people who aren’t doing it. And that’s the plight of many people, I understand. I’m not trying to paint a woe-is-me picture. I’m simply trying to say that being in this position, as much as I freaking love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything (at this point - ask me again in 30 years) is also isolating. It feels relatively unique to be a group practice owner with a small child, and that uniqueness is also isolating.
At the exact same time, I’m more connected to legitimately amazing people than I ever have been in my life. This year has been un-freaking-believable with the amount of brilliant people I’ve met and developed relationships with. Seriously.
I’m surrounded by women (and some men, but mostly women for me) who are rockstars like you wouldn’t even believe. Group practice owner badasses, mompreneurs, wicked smart business women - all of it. I’m blown away on a weekly basis by the sheer amount of passion these women have, support they give, and brilliance they encompass. Blown. Away.
And I haven’t even started on my random group of mom friends.
First of all, stop judging, judgy mcjudgerson!! I know how that sounds. “Mom friends.” I hate that I’m even that person.
Second of all, yes, mom friends. I’m part of ONE (see?!) closed facebook group of moms (we were all due the same month) and, jeez, they’ve been a source of connection and support beyond what I ever thought was possible on the internet.
But even beyond that group, there are four women from this group who I’ve developed friendships with even further. Technically, we’ve developed friendships with each other. And, frankly, I’m a bit blown away by the amount of kinship I feel with women I’ve never met in person (#MySalties). We’ve messaged, texted, had group video calls, exchanged secret santa gifts, and disclosed way more about our personal lives than I care to admit here.
And it strikes me as ironic (paradoxical, amiright?!) that I can feel both of these things so strongly. Way isolated and way connected. What a freaking wild ride.
Cultivating
The other theme for me is that this year has been one of cultivating.
OH MY GOSH, CULTIVATING.
This should have been my middle name this year, when I think about it.
Ya know, I felt like a damn gopher or something (in retrospect). Spending my time burrowed underground - digging, foraging, hoarding, coming up for air to reassess and then diving back underground (also fitting because gophers are solitary critters).
And the cultivating hasn’t just been with myself. It’s been with the practice. I would say that it’s primarily been with the practice. It’s been a year of metaphorically planting seeds, tending to the land, scouring surroundings for the best places to plant, watering and caring for things that are beginning to sprout, and thinking about what will need to be trimmed and cleaved as it begins to grow so that it doesn’t take over.
It’s been a lot of hard work.
It’s been finding awesome people to bring on (seriously, I love our team), focusing on clinician growth (my own and everybody with the practice), and making sure the practice is healthy. All of which is to better and best serve clients. Which sounds kind of martyr-y, but I don’t know how else to say it. If there aren’t good clinicians, if we’re not growing as people and clinicians, and if the practice isn’t healthy, it all impacts negatively our ability to help clients and do exceptional clinician work. Which I’m not okay with (and I doubt anybody else is, either).
One of the things I kept saying to myself throughout this year was, “Long game, Tara. Long game.”
And what I meant to myself was that cultivating isn’t a short-term process. It’s a long-term plan. And please let me assure you that I am not the epitome of intentional planner, lest you think I am. So this is a huge shift for me (and one that I continue to make, as it’s not easy or natural).
A Little Extra (probably fitting, if you know me)
The other thing I’m realizing as I’m typing (which I why I recommend journaling - insights galore!) is how much my reflections and this year have been about the practice.
I love counseling so much, and it’s so damn important to me that people not only have good experiences, but that the work we do is exceptional. I don’t want to be a mediocre practice with mediocre clinicians. I want all the people who come into contact with us (whether referrals or clients or clinicians or assistants or parents or whoever) to have an experience that leaves them feeling cared for and empowered. And that might not even mean that they work with us, but it means that they have a phenomenal experience with us even if in passing.
That tangent aside, my realization is really about how much The Counseling Hub has become an integral part of my life. I often forget that I made the shift into full-time practice just this past May. Seriously. It’s crazy to think how much has changed since then.
Crazy and awesome. Mostly awesome, actually.
I left academia and opted to go full-tilt into private practice. It’s funny because when I think about it now, I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. And I also love what I’m doing so damn much that I sometimes feel like I’m living in a dream. I’d love if people had that same experience in their lives.
Intentions for 2019…?
If I’m being totally honest with myself (and in writing), then I need to make sure to get back in touch with cultivating my own self-care practice. I’ve set good boundaries (hahahahaha - okay, I’m trying to set good boundaries) with practice-stuff. But my burrowing and gopher-ing has left me out of touch with my own self-enriching practices. Right now, the practice work feels enriching (it is), but I want to play the long game (again, see what I mean?), and that means sustainable self-care.
For me (it’s different for everybody), yoga and journaling are the two things that keep me tethered and give me the most insight. Yoga shifts me real quick into my body and into the present moment. And journaling allows me to gather insights that I come to in time, but it speeds the process up in a healthy way. Plus, I like to put pen to paper (reference the first paragraph of this blog), and journaling is an easy way to do that.
And then there’s always the ‘easy’ stuff to do - eat cleaner (#LeafyGreensLoveMe) and drink water. Eating clean isn’t about weight loss, mind you, it’s about feeling good physically. Again, that’s my own take and how I utilize it. Drinking water helps me physically and with focus.
Also, staying more connected to friends. Being intentional about staying connected because, again, isolation is part of my world now and I don’t want that to be the case.
OH. And the final intention for 2019?
FINISH MY DAMN DISSERTATION SO I CAN OFFICIALLY BE TARA VOSSENKEMPER, PHD.
That thing!! UGH. I’m over it, but it needs to be done.
Long game, right?! LONG GAME.
About the Author
Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
Reflection Over the Year: Molly Lyons
Reflection can be a helpful tool when thinking about what you want to change in the coming year. It can also allow you to see how far you’ve come. Reflecting on my last year, it wasn’t a terrible year, but it also wasn’t full of glitter and rainbows. This year was definitely full of self-improvement through higher-education, trying to manage a new career, and being a parent.
End of Year Reflection
Reflection can be a helpful tool when thinking about what you want to change in the coming year. It can also allow you to see how far you’ve come. Reflecting on my last year, it wasn’t a terrible year, but it also wasn’t full of glitter and rainbows. This year was definitely full of self-improvement through higher-education, trying to manage a new career, and being a parent. Truthfully, at times it was exhausting! I like to think of myself as a generally grateful and positive person, but I’m sure there were times that I was very crabby and ungrateful over the last year. Times that I want to block out and hope the universe doesn’t ever provide me with again. On a lighter note, thinking back over 2018 I do know that I have grown a lot as both a person and as a counselor. This year was one that has taught me a lot of new lessons as well as reminded me of old lessons that I had forgotten.
Growth as a Person
One lesson that I was reminded of this past year was the lesson of staying humble. I spent several hours volunteering at a homeless shelter over the summer. This experience, which I had done frequently when I was growing up, had always been so very humbling. It had been at least ten years since I’d done this type of work and it felt so good to give my time again. Working alongside the residents in the shelter, I was able to connect with people who although live a very different life than I, are people just as I am. People who want the same things I want in life; a safe space to sleep at night, food for their belly, and a loving place for their children to live. People that have had a rough go and are still trying their hardest to make their lives better. People from all walks of life who have experienced different traumas, oppression, and difficult times. Reflecting on this experience I realized that often I will find myself wishing I had things that aren’t necessary. We all do. But when you have a reality check of working with people who have nothing but a few changes of clothes, you learn that all the extra stuff in life isn’t necessary. It’s nice, but not necessary. Giving my time may have not been convenient, but it allowed me to not only help those in need but humbled me. It reminded me of what I have and how fortunate I am to have it.
Not as dramatic as helping those less fortunate than I, I really took time this last year for self-care. This was a new lesson that I had claimed I never had the time for. Trying to juggle so many different hats (being a mom, a spouse, a friend, a daughter, a student, a counselor, etc.) was super hard. So many times, my head fell between my hands and I had to take deep breaths to regain my sanity. Few less times that happened this year than last year because my attempt for self-care. Self-care for me doesn’t look like an extravagant day of self- indulging (although that would be nice). It looked more practical for a busy mom. It looked like locking the bathroom door when I took a shower so that no kids could come in. It looked like not doing any work or homework after 9 pm so that I could go to bed on time (I love my sleep!). It looked like changing up my diet to eat more fruits and veggies and less chips- which didn’t feel like self-care until I started feeling the difference in my mood from eating good food. It looked like spending time talking to my kids about their day even though I had a lot I needed to do. Self-care meant doing small things that made my head and heart feel good. It made a huge difference in my life over the last year. It allowed me to feel rejuvenated. It allowed me to feel like a better mom, spouse, friend, daughter, student, and counselor. It allowed me to take time to consider what I wanted in order to be everything that I needed to be for everyone else. Self-care was reframed from something that I can’t have because it’s selfish and I don’t have time, to something necessary.
Growth as a Counselor
This is probably where I’ve had the most growth this year. It hasn’t been easy. I like to tell the people I work with that growth is uncomfortable and it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy for budding therapists either. Facing many insecurities and self-doubts have been the theme of my growth as a counselor. More specifically, learning that it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. Thinking back to the beginning of the year and reflecting on what I thought a counselor should be has shifted. I always wanted to say the “right” thing to help people. Was the approach I was using the most effective? Was what I said the right reflection of their feelings? Was my body language perfectly open? Although these are very good things for counselor to consider (and should), at some point a counselor needs to trust their self. It was uncomfortable to realize that there’s probably never the prefect thing to say or the prefect technique to use. Simply being there for someone when they need a non-judgmentful ear is sometimes all a person needs. Showing that I’m a human, capable of mistakes has left me feeling much more relaxed and present in sessions. I guess what it boils down to is confidence.
Areas to Further Improve
It’d be ridiculous to claim that I’ve have no more areas to continue for self-improvement. Being honest with myself means that I have areas that I need to set goals for, just as I do with the people who sit across the couch from me. Self-improvement is a continual thing, not a destination. Reflecting on how far I have come over the last year as professional and as a person gives me hope that I can continue self-improvement with the momentum I’ve had over the last year. No, I am not going to divulge what I plan on working on over the upcoming year, but I do have some things in mind. I hope to follow up with my success story and a few unexpected lessons learned next year- stay tuned!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
MOLLY LYONS
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
Goal Setting: the Process of Counseling
Technically, you’re correct. Goals are, in essence, the “end game” of therapy. The purpose of therapeutic goals are to get you to a point where you feel confident that you can live your life the way you want to live it. Treatment goals are a collaboration between you and your therapist. We want you to know that your therapist will want to work on whatever it is you want to work on.
Treatment Goals
The first session has passed (here’s what you can expect from it, in case you missed it) and your therapist wants to know what you think the goals of therapy should be. You may think that it’s obvious: to decrease whatever behavior or thoughts you came into therapy for.
Technically, you’re correct. Goals are, in essence, the “end game” of therapy. The purpose of therapeutic goals are to get you to a point where you feel confident that you can live your life the way you want to live it. Treatment goals are a collaboration between you and your therapist. We want you to know that your therapist will want to work on whatever it is you want to work on. There might also be times where your therapist might have ideas of some possibilities to work on. These generally come as a result of sitting with you for prolonged periods and seeking things that you haven’t noticed or realized before. And although you may (or may not) know what it is you want to work on, that may leave you wondering how you’ll get there.
How do I know what my goals should be?
The first thing that’s important in setting up treatment goals is to identify what exactly you want to do. If you are depressed, you may want to feel happier. If you’re fighting with your partner, you may want to figure out how to communicate those feelings. If you feel out of control, you may not recognize that what you want to work on is assertiveness. It may sound simple (it is, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy). However, sometimes we are not sure what we want and we’re especially not sure how to get specific with setting goals.
This is where your therapist comes in. They’re skilled at helping you in recognizing what it is that will be helpful to work. Also, it’s good to remember that your goals are for you. If you are not diggin’ one of your goals, it’s important to share that with you therapist. They can’t know that you are not fully on board if you don’t tell them!
Anywho, identifying your goals means that you’re honest with your therapist and yourself. It means being open to feedback that other significant people around you may have. It also means that you may have to spend some time inspecting what it is that you really want or need from therapy.
How do I get to my “big” goals?
So you’ve identified what it is that you want to work on in therapy. Let’s stick with our example of you want to feel happier. Great goal! That’s not an uncommon goal in therapy. The question, then, is how do you get there? One thing to do is to break the main goal into smaller goals. For instance, you will not (and should not) think that going to a few sessions will instantly make you feel happier all the time. That would be awesome if it did, but in order to achieve your goal of being happier, you may have to set the goal of finding something practical that makes you happy. Small, achievable, things that make you happy on a daily basis may set an overtone of happiness in your life and add considerably to your overarching goal in therapy. As easy as it sounds, you’ll spend more time than you think you will talking this out with your therapist in order to identify how you can make small, measurable goals to achieve your big goal.
An important factor in making small goals is that they must be realistic. For a person who is seeking happiness in their life, feeling happy all the time may not be realistic. Happiness is appropriate for happy times. If a person who is dealing with the death of a loved one expects to be happy all the time, they may be disappointed when they do feel sadness. Realistic goals are goals that are actually attainable. Not only is that helpful for feeling better (actually able to achieve your goals), but even more, being unrealistic is a good way to make yourself feel bad if you don’t meet your goal.
Another important component of goal setting is celebrating the small steps towards the big goal. Sometimes in our journey, healing may seem endless. The big picture may seem impossible and there may be a lot of small goals. Both the big picture goal and the small goals may feel overwhelming. It’s important to celebrate the small successes because that means you are one step closer towards the life that you want to live!
How will I know if I am getting anywhere?
You’ve been working hard in therapy, but is it really working? Some days it feels like it, others it doesn’t. In order to tell if you’re making progress, goals must be evaluated. You won’t know how you’re doing if you don’t step back and review your work. Evaluation may look different for different people. It may also look different depending on what your goal is. Some individuals may look at their progress and need tangible evidence, such as, a count of how many times they did a certain behavior in a day. Other’s may seek feedback from important individuals they may be struggling with such as asking a spouse their perception. Yet others may self-reflect. Whatever method you choose, it is important to share your evaluation with your therapist and then shift into maintaining the goals/changes in your life.
What if my goals are not going anywhere?
Your evaluation of your goals should, and will, inform the process of therapy. Something important to remember is that treatment goals are for you. You and your therapist may discover that work you’re doing with your goals isn’t working. If what you’re doing is not working, you can redefine what it is that you want from your goal and how you will get there. It may be as simple as adjusting one of the smaller goals to help your big goal. Some goals may get marked off the list as you progress through therapy, while others may trigger an entirely new goal. It’s also possible (maybe even probable) that goals will evolve with you in a cycle of self-improvement.
How will I know when I am done?
Knowing you are done with a goal might be obvious or subtle. If you and your counselor are evaluating your goals frequently, then it maybe easier to tell when you have reached a goal than if you are not evaluating frequently. It may also be important to remember that sometimes we’re never fully “done.” Goals are great when you can say, “I completed this!” but oftentimes when people are under pressure they may revert to old patterns of behavior or thoughts. That is okay. Really. The beauty of therapy is that your therapist is there to help you if you need them. Just because you may have met a goal once, doesn’t mean it’s a forever change. It means it’s a change that you’ve successfully made and now know you can make when you slip up into old habits. You will likely need to intermittingly practice a goal that has been met once already. That’s expected!
When do I start?
Typically, goals should be set during some of the first few sessions. A general rule of thumb is that goals should be set in writing with a clear process by the third session. However, a lot of therapists will want to know what goals you want to work on by the end of the first session. Goals are a very important part of therapy. Without setting goals, you (and your therapist) are likely to feel lost and unproductive (think of floating in water with no island in mind- where would you even start swimming?!).
A recap of what goals should look like is: they should inform the therapy process; be a collaboration between you and your therapist; have smaller, measurable goals; be frequently evaluated; and, can be modified whenever they are not working. Goals are for you. Our team is just here to help you out along the way! Happy goal setting!
About the Author
Molly Lyons- Counseling Intern
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.