Molly | End of Year Reflection
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
Reflecting On 2019
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
What’s the Same?
Before I dive into what has changed and what I would like to improve in 2020 I wanted to check in and say what is still the same. Three things have been the same this year; my self-care, family chaos, and being a counselor. First, self-care was a goal for 2018 which I carried into 2019 and it is still going strong. Last year I reflected on taking more time to myself in the form of eating better and I am very proud to say that I am still on the bandwagon. Secondly, my family is always chaotic. With five kids all the time, and a sixth every other weekend chaos is my middle name. Not to mention having three nephews and five nieces all under the age of 10 who I love to visit with. Chaos is stressful (thank you captain obvious). With that, I still have many days where if all the kids are still alive I mark it as a success. Lastly, I am still counseling (again-duh). I love learning about people, getting to know them beyond talking weather, and helping them sort through their minds. I love going into work and that is such a great feeling. With that said, a lot of things have changed over the last year.
What’s Different?
Exercise
For all of you out there: exercise really does improve your mood. I think in a world where you can take a pill and expect to feel better quickly, reaping the benefits of exercise (which can take a long time to kick in) isn’t worth it. Well, last year shortly after Christmas I started to do a daily exercise. I started out with a 30-minute body-weight strengthening exercises. Over the course of the year it turned into the 30-minute exercise into that plus running for 15-minutes every day. I never- I repeat NEVER- have been a runner in my life. This was such a monumental thing for me. The long and the short of it- I feel so much better. I am not only physically healthier, but I am mentally more healthy too.
No School
One of the things that I am most proud of is graduating. To be completely transparent, I never in a million years imagined that I would hold a master’s degree. I never wanted to go to college because I hated school! Going to college has been a huge deal in my family. My grandma and grandpa dropped out of school in 8th grade and I am the first person in my family to obtain a degree. The best part of graduating (as most of you could guess) is not having to do homework or assignments. Actually, I didn’t mind doing the work because I liked learning about most of the stuff I was taught. But, the ripple effect of not having to do the work is that I no longer need to forfeit time with my family to go to evening classes or do homework on the weekends. I do like being busy and being a busy body means that I fill that time in with doing things I didn’t have time to do around the house before or do activities with the kids. Not having to do classes or homework means that when I want to learn something, I can take my time and be intentional about it. Making it all the more meaningful.
Working hard on my marriage
As any couple that has been together many years, or any couple’s counselor out there, knows marriage takes a lot of work. It requires empathy. It requires giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. It requires you to take responsibility when you mess up. It requires inspecting your flaws. One goal I set for myself coming into 2019 was to focus more energy into my marriage. It’s so easy to get stuck in a routine and let the relationship take back seat. Easily, you lose sight of what you want from your relationship. For example, I want to be happy- cool- but what does that really mean? Does that mean having more playful interactions? More date nights? More checking in about your days? For my marriage, my focus was to have predictable time we spent together to just hang out. No talking shop- which is easy to do when you have kids- just time to be two people who fell in love. I talk to couples all the time about the Gottman Magic Five Hours. They found that couples who spend five hours connecting in meaningful ways have happier relationships. My husband and I started to put kids to bed at 8:30 every night and spend a half an hour Sunday through Thursday nights just hanging out. No interruptions. For those of you math people, you might notice that is not five hours, but let me tell you, doing this has been the best decision I have ever made for my marriage. Not joking. Not to say that we had it bad, but I believe there is always room for improvement in your relationships. Again, being intentional about my marriage has done wonderful things for my relationship, my mental health, and my family.
What Do I Still Want To Improve?
Boundaries
Generally speaking, I like to think I am good with boundaries. I bet most people do though. I know what I can and cannot handle as far as work, tasks and goals I set for myself, and friends and family. One area where I need to improve boundaries is with people who are negatively affecting me. It’s easy to say I am not going to let this person do xyz until the moment they do. If you think about it long enough, I am sure most of you can think of a person who you give up more than what you would like to keep them happy (or just keep the peace). A friend who plays the victim, an aunt who is “out spoken” about what you should and shouldn’t do, or a coworker who winds up dumping all the responsibility on you. I don’t have these exact situations, but I do have something of the sorts. Not that you or I intentionally let these people do these things, but it happens for good reason. I don’t want to make my friend feel attacked because I love them. I don’t want to upset my Aunt because she will not let me live it down the next four holidays. I don’t feel like I can say anything to this coworker because it will go in one ear and out the other, nothing will change, and then it will just make things weird. All valid reasons. The problem then, is where is my boundary? It may go to hell if I discuss my concerns with them, but maybe it won’t. At the end of the day, I know that I will feel better about myself if I say what I need to say to respect myself. If I tell the person that it might hurt what I have to say, but I need to say it because it’s important to me. That I will take some advice from my aunt, but there are some topics I won’t discuss with her. That my coworker can give me some responsibility, but I will not take it wholly. Reflecting on what has stopped me from setting boundaries in the past has been things like fear, conflict avoidance, and trying to make others happy. The expense is my mental health and self-worth. So setting more boundaries with people is something I am going to work on in the next year.
Being present
This one is super hard for me. This is probably the hardest thing that I’ve tried to do and have failed many times. Being present to me means that I can put aside all other things happening and focus intentionally (and intently) on whatever it is that I am doing. Not to get too personal, but a lot of my existence has been survival mode. Trying to make ends meet and things done when there was a lot that was trying to push me backwards. For example, trying to get a large paper turned in when I have to go to work the next day and two kids are throwing up. At times, me trying to get to the next step was the only thing I could focus on when everything else in life felt like it was in shambles. Naturally, when a person lives in a mode of always thinking about the next step, when that isn’t necessary anymore it’s not something you just stop doing. I constantly think about what’s the next step- what’s the next goal? The byproduct of that is missing opportunities of being present. In 2020 I want to start living more in the moment. Since life has slowed down due to me getting a job that pays well, not having homework, and kids getting a bit older and more independent it seems like the perfect time to start being more present. I am going to try to take many of the small moments that got shoved aside and be there. Feel these moments. Savor these moments. I hope that when this happens, I can step out of survival mode and enjoy life a little more.
Not being complacent
I used to think that someday I would reach a point where I wouldn’t need to worry about learning more. I could just go into my workplace, get the job done, go home and not think about it. Well, in the world of counseling, boy did I have it all wrong. One thing that you learn in graduate school for counselors is that there is no final destination. There is not a time where you will know everything and that’s it. That sounds silly as I type it out, because of course you could never know everything. I guess in my head it was something like if I learn everything there is to know about counseling then I can just do it. I won’t have to stress about feeling like I have to learn anything else. Because learning is related to school, and school is stressful. Basically, I wouldn’t have to invest any more. The problem with this theory (besides the obvious that I couldn’t possibly ever know everything) is that it can lead to stagnation. It can lead to complacency. Something that is terrifying to me as a person that values self-improvement. A goal that I have for myself over the next year (probably the next several years) is to be mindful of becoming complacent. As mentioned earlier, for so long it was nose to the grind and do whatever it takes to get the job done. Now there is no more schooling and I don’t want to stop self-improvement. Growth is important and I want to be sure that I continue to do that.
It has been a wonderful year. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened. Many things are the same. I hope to change a few things moving forward. Setting boundaries for relationships that aren’t healthy for me, being more present in the moment, and striving for a healthy dose of self-improvement are things I hope to work on in 2020. I hope all of you can set yourself some goals and actively work towards them too. I can’t wait to check in at the end of the year next year and see how it has gone!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor
Molly has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
What If I Don't Want To Move On?
Let’s just take a minute to stop and figure out what our priorities are. This doesn’t need to be a job. It can be an enjoyable experience. Figure out what you enjoy and how your ideal future looks and determine what is truly attainable.
What if I don't want to move on?
Throughout life, we constantly hit points where we have such great opportunities.
- We graduate high school and decide where we want to go to college.
-We decide if we want a community college close to home or a University a couple states over.
-We find ourselves 2 years in and decide that we’ve chosen the wrong major, only to realize that our ideal major is completely available.
-We graduate and decide whether we would like to start the job search or begin to search for further education.
I can keep going but the point has been made. Is this exciting or does it cause some level of anxiety?
The Dream
For some, this is the dream. This is the path to the “American Dream”. However, what happens when things happen too fast? What happens when we’d prefer to stay where we are, while knowing that this decision is not beneficial or maybe in our best interest? This comfort that we find in our current situation is normal. This reminds me of all of the times I’ve looked back on my past situations and realized that I would give anything to go back and just sit in that space for a little longer. Am I wrong for having this desire? We’re allowed to revisit times in our lives that were enjoyable.
Many individuals find themselves in situations where they feel they are being pushed from different directions. They, or we, feel that decisions must be made promptly and that we are running out of time. This pressure may be applied from parents who believe that any education is better than no education at all, which can have many people spending a lot of money on a degree that doesn’t elicit some sort of joy from the individual holding the degree. This same thought can be applied to other major transitions in life. I hear so many stories of people in relationships that are convenient. While convenient is easy, is there a part of us that could possibly become bored or feeling that we rushed into it because ? Is this a relationship, or career field, that will become stagnant due the low drive to continue to work on it? This is a challenge that presents itself to many people just like you and me. We begin to chase these goals only to realize that we may have made a wrong decision. Upon this realization, regret can sink in.
Stories, or realizations, similar to the one above can cause many people to hesitate and wonder if they have achieved their best life in their current situation. This feeling of pressure from others to achieve more or commit to a relationship fully can sour an outlook on the situation and cause more of a disinterest in this big change. What if we are able to step back and ponder our options? Are we allowed time to figure things out? I believe that some very rash decisions can be made if they are made before we are ready. We should be able to take time to focus on ourselves without constant questions like “what do you plan on doing with your life?” or “don’t you think it’s about time you stop messing around?”.
Wait. Let’s pause.
Let’s just take a minute to stop and figure out what our priorities are. This doesn’t need to be a job. It can be an enjoyable experience. Figure out what you enjoy and how your ideal future looks and determine what is truly attainable. Figure out what makes you feel challenged but increases your self-esteem. Brainstorm with friends, not only for the second point of view, but also for the realization that you are not alone in this stuck feeling. Our priorities will give us a glimpse into what we can work towards with a higher success rate. The last thing I will finish in a list of things to do is the thing I don’t want to do. This can mean education, professional development, or relationship advancement.
This Isn’t Just Work and School
I’ve spent a lot of time speaking about education and the struggles to find and work toward goals that help us to find a more comfortable and productive place to be. What about those times that many of us experience following a break up? We become fixated on the parts of the relationship that were so great and completely ignore the parts that really caused us distress. This can also be reversed. We can fixate on the parts of the relationship that were unhealthy while we are in a relationship and refuse to take action to change it. This presents a similar feeling stagnation. We are stuck. We focus on one thing and gnaw on it until there is nothing but negative emotions tied to the relationship. Why must we do this?
If you are like most of us, then a failed relationship is an almost unavoidable part of life. What will it take to move past it? I think that using past experiences as tools to work on the present and future is the best route to take. We don’t have to sit with those emotions for long. It’s normal to be upset that things didn’t work out the way that we had hoped. However, it’s not helpful to let this consume us. We can learn what we are searching for in others and learn how to better navigate situations that we have struggled with in the past.
This unwillingness to move on from relationships, or even within relationships, is also a very normal situation. We don’t have to move on quickly. We can take time. We are allowed to process through the struggles we have on our own time. It’s important to remember that success is not impossible, no matter what your past experiences have taught you. Sit with the stuck and reflect. Reflect on good times to learn why you enjoyed certain experiences. Reflect on bad times to understand which parts moved you in a negative way. Reframe these experiences in order to help yourself advance. This is a very helpful process that happens in therapy. It can helpful to an individual that has the patience and confidence in themselves to not let it consume them completely. We may handle certain situations poorly, but that does not need to be set in stone. We are adaptable creatures that possess the ability to experience pain and pleasure, along with the ability to search for reasons why. We can take time to feel. We can take time to experience the feelings in the moment and express ourselves in a healthy manner. Following this, we can search for reasoning. We can decide what needs to change and decide if the failure of the relationship is truly the most bothersome part of this story. Many times, the most bothersome part of the ending of a relationship is the perceived loss of time that we have experienced. However, is it really lost time? Was the time we spent in this relationship completely useless? In most cases, the relationship and time it consumed was not useless. It was a way to learn of more filters that we can apply to our next search.
Filtering It All
This filtering of qualities idea that I ended the last paragraph with made me realize that this is a very good way to view “moving on”. We learn in our failure and learn in our state of discontent. We pull many things away from these experiences that can help us to view the experiences in a more positive light. From experience, I’ve learned that people enjoy feeling heard. I remember relationships when I was a teenager that I took for granted. I remember hearing what I wanted to hear and acting on what others told me. Sometimes we don’t want to inspire action. We just want to be heard. Also, I’ve learned that immersing yourself in something you find interesting can be so much work. However, this work leads to goals that you can truly celebrate.
Finding yourself stuck in school, work, relationships, and countless other situations doesn’t mean that you have been defeated. What if it is just a way to enlighten us of the importance of that place we’re stuck in? We find ourselves searching and searching in our “stuck” place. We lose the motivation to leave this space until we realize that there may be little to gain from where we are. We can then come to the realization that we need to lift our head up and try to get a better view of the road ahead of us. This road may come with challenges, but at least we’ve spent some time doing some self-exploratory work that may provide us with helpful tools moving forward. It doesn’t need to be this scary experience filled with danger. What’s the worst that could happen? You could get stuck? Thankfully for you, that is not a strange place to be and there may be some knowledge to gain in that space. Spend a little time there and understand that there is happiness for everyone somewhere.
It takes work to find happiness and that work came be done in many places. Take the time to come to an understanding of where you would like to see yourself. Open yourself to new experiences and search for ways to better comprehend the meaning of this sense of “stuck”. Gather your priorities and that experience you view as enjoyable and prepare for your next first step forward. Gain as much as you can from the “stuck” because, thankfully, it’s not forever.
TIM FITZPATRICK, PLPC
INDIVIDUAL COUNSELOR
Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.
Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.
Pride is for Everyone!
Pride month happens every June. It’s a time to celebrate love, expression, diversity, acceptance, and resilience. Pride month’s origin began just as a day to celebrate and recognize the adversity those who identified as gay overcame. Since then, so many others have joined in celebration of their sexual and gender differences- as you can see by the always increasing number of letters in the “LGBTQ+” abbreviation. The Cambridge Dictionary online provides one definition of pride which seems fitting, “your feelings of your own worth and respect for yourself”
Welcome, Everyone!
Pride month happens every June. It’s a time to celebrate love, expression, diversity, acceptance, and resilience. Pride month’s origin began just as a day to celebrate and recognize the adversity those who identified as gay overcame. Since then, so many others have joined in celebration of their sexual and gender differences- as you can see by the always increasing number of letters in the “LGBTQ+” abbreviation. The Cambridge Dictionary online provides one definition of pride which seems fitting, “your feelings of your own worth and respect for yourself” (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/pride ). What is very important to remember during this month is that you don’t have to identify as a gender or sexual minority to help celebrate the month! Just as a person who is not of African decent doesn’t need to be of African decent to help celebrate and respect Black history month! Pride is for those who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community, those who don’t identify, those who support (also known as an Ally), and those who have no idea what Pride is but want to be a kind and accepting person. Pride is for everyone.
Okay, So I Am a Bit Nervous
It can be intimidating and cause anxiety thinking about going out and celebrating Pride if you haven’t done it before. Weather we like it or not, most of us live our lives with a hetero- cis- normative mindset. That’s a mouthful but I will explain.
Heteronormative basically means that when we interact with others, we automatically assume they are heterosexual (“straight”). We might be shocked to find out that our neighbors are lesbians, or our co-worker is A-sexual and A-romantic- meaning he might not want to engage in a relationship ever. We assume when we pay for groceries that the person taking our money has a significant other at home which falls in alignment with being straight. Got the first part?
Bear with me, this will only take a few more moments to explain the language! Cis-normative means that when we interact with others, we automatically assume they are the gender that societal norms have established. This means that long hair and makeup means the individual you are speaking with is female. The buzzed hair and flat chested individual in basketball shorts is male. As humans, we like predictability because it’s comfortable. When we have experiences which can’t be boxed or predicted- such as the individual wearing makeup, basketball shorts, and buzzed hair who is not flat chested, we must reorganize our thought processes.
Combining the two terms means that we assume individuals will fall into patterns of behavior that will categorize them as both straight and male/female. Now we are getting to the important part, you’re nervous. You can’t predict what others are going to request you to call them. What they will say or how they will behave? This can be unsettling or it can be an opportunity for growth. It’s okay to be nervous. What’s important is that you come to your experience with an open mind. That you engage with another person as a person who wants to be accepted. If you’re nervous, you can reflect on what makes the interaction difficult for you. You can talk with other friends- although I would be cautious about discussing it with LGBTQ+ community as you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. At the same time, they might be happy you are asking questions respectfully and trying to understand. Take some deep breaths and enjoy people for being their authentic selves. Celebrating Pride can be a great experience with diversity which can lead to further acceptance and self-awareness.
What About the Lil’ Ones?
One reservation you may have is weather or not to also introduce your child(ren) to the LGBTQ+ community or a large festival such as Pride. As any celebration, there are things at Pride festivals which are probably not kid friendly to everyone, however, many things are. Be sure to check out what is available for kids and families by searching online. At Columbia’s Pride Festival last year, there was face painting, free gifts, popsicles, and bracelets! Some quick investigating to know what is available can not only put your mind at ease for your children, but also for yourself if you are experiencing some nervousness. You may be okay with expanding your understanding of the world around you, but hesitant to share it with your little ones for various reasons. One may be the fear that it will cause your child to adopt a certain sexual or gender orientation. As a parent myself, and a clinician, I would like to share that there’s no research supporting this notion!
In fact, showing your child there are many different types of expressions of love and gender can benefit your child. You will model acceptance of various identities. Moreover, you may start a dialogue with your child so that if they do develop a non-hetero- non- cis- identity, they will be assured of your love and acceptance of them. It also will hopefully provide a space for them to be an accepting person! There are many studies which suggest the power of exposure of diversity on openness and sexual orientation or gender identity are just other forms of diversity.
If your child expresses interest in being apart of the LGBTQ+ community, checking out my prior blog on “The Parent’s Process”, could be a good place to start! We are always open to answering any questions and sharing support for any state of the process.
“It Seems Over the Top”
One thing which I have heard from people who are exploring thoughts about their biases and feelings towards the LGBTQ+ community is that they feel like it can be a bit in-your-face. In other words, these individual don’t mind that there are LGBTQ+ people out there, but it makes them uncomfortable to have it so clearly defined during Pride festivals.
Rainbows, glitter, eccentric outfits can be a lot for some- but that is just one of many ways that some of the LGBTQ+ population dress. Attending a Pride fest, you will notice there are many “ordinary” dressed people. People who are there to celebrate and support the community just as you’re inquiring about. If you are thinking that it’s a bit over the top, this is where it may take a bit of reflection on your part. Pride is about celebrating. It’s about recognizing the hard times that people of the LGBTQ+ community have had and their perseverance to have happiness in their lives. Other holidays have what could be considered eccentric attire too (think dressing up for Halloween, fire works and patriotic paint for Fourth of July, Ugly Sweater parties for Christmas). When it’s time to celebrate other things, most people don’t bat a lash. Why? We can only speculate, but probably because some of these have been around longer and are more culturally accepted (not that everyone celebrates all of the above mentioned either).
If you’re uncomfortable with the vibrant celebrations, I challenge you to think about why this is so. I would ask you to reflect on whether it has to do with your assumptions of hetero- cis- normativity or does it have to do with the flashy-ness of it all? If it has to do with the former, I suggest you use the reflection questions in my other blog How to Celebrate Pride Month to better understand your thoughts and feelings. If you’re not the type of person who likes to go to big parties and wear colorful clothes, maybe you can find a different outlet for support. This is where you can look into becoming an ally.
Being An Ally
An ally is an individual who supports the LGBTQ+ community but fall into the heterosexual, cis-gender community. In other words, Ally’s are accepting and supportive but don’t identify as a gender or sexual minority. Being an Ally means that you stand up for LGBTQ+ equal rights. You accept and support these individuals to live their lives in a manner that feels most authentic to them. As an ally, you identify yourself as a person who is safe and caring about diversity. If you’re curious on how to show love and support, checking out Machaela’s blog here on stigma, hatred, and violence might be a quick spot to check out. Becoming an ally can look like signing up for a group such as a local Gay-Straight-Alliance (GSA) or the Human Rights campaign. It can also be showing your support by wearing something rainbow, telling your friends and family you support the LGBTQ+ community, or putting a sticker on something you use in public often (i.e., car, laptop case, ect.). You are also an ally when you help defend equal treatment for those who are in the LBGTQ+ community weather that be at the local level (like schools), state level (like statues), or federal level (like federal laws). What being an Ally boils down to is support.
Show Support & Acceptance. Pride Is For You, Too!
Pride is not just for those who identify as LGBTQ+, it’s for everyone. Those who don’t identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community can reap the benefits of social justice, self- reflection, embracing diversity, and supporting a population with many at- risk situations (such as homelessness, discrimination, and suicide). You might feel nervous about joining in celebrating Pride month, but the benefits are numerous. Besides just having a good time, you can enjoy a month which will challenge your typical mind set.
It’s okay to feel nervous and talk about it. One way that you can support the LGBTQ+ community and celebrate Pride is to become an Ally. This distinguishes you from the community in such a way that they know you care for their well-being and fair treatment.
This year during Pride month, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone a little. I challenge you to enjoy yourself amongst others who might be different than you. I challenge you to reflect and be kind. I challenge you to become an ally. My hope is that you come out with more acceptance and understanding.
Alcohol Awareness Month
Fortunately for us, April is National Alcohol Awareness Month! You may be thinking to yourself, “Okay, I understand what alcohol is, why do we need a whole month recognizing what it’s all about?” Well, when we think about alcohol in terms of how it interacts with our society, relationships, health, and processing—we would probably still be talking beyond the month of April.
Catch the Cue
It seems like such a trend in our society to have a theme or holiday each month. Even if you look at things on a daily level, there are usually special events or holidays that take place every day around our nation. Was everyone aware that National Pizza Day is February 9th?! There are a lot of reasons to celebrate and bring awareness into our society. Being able to focus on one topic for a day, or even better a whole month, is an subtle cue of community in our world; a time to share knowledge, experience, and pay tribute to the specific theme at hand. Fortunately for us, April is National Alcohol Awareness Month! You may be thinking to yourself, “Okay, I understand what alcohol is, why do we need a whole month recognizing what it’s all about?” Well, when we think about alcohol in terms of how it interacts with our society, relationships, health, and processing—we would probably still be talking beyond the month of April.
History Lesson!
So how did Alcohol Awareness month come about? The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD—Now also called, Facing Addiction with NCADD) founded and recognized the month of April, as a time for everyone in America to come together and increase awareness and foster understanding of alcohol dependency and addiction. The monthly recognition started back in 1987, as more and more research was surfacing around alcohol addiction, and the effects it can have on our lives. Something that is really cool about Alcohol Awareness Month is that each year there is a theme that is directly related to the topic. This can be a difficult topic to talk about! I’m sure if we really sat down and thought about it, we could all think of at least one person in our lives that we knew or were close to that has been affected negatively by alcohol. Having a theme for the month gives people a place to start when talking about alcohol addiction, and opens the door for exploration. This year, the theme is “Help for Today, Hope for Tomorrow.” Super powerful, right? I’m not sure if this was a shared sentiment while reading, but the words help and hope stuck out the most for me. The idea behind this year’s theme is to help each other in raising awareness about how detrimental alcohol addiction can be in our lives, and to hope for a better understanding of what it is in order to actively reduce and prevent it. It goes back to the old adage of knowledge is power—The more we know, the more we can do to help each other.
How do we know?
So what does alcohol addiction look like? How does it show up in our environment and world? Well, according to the NCADD, “One in every 12 adults, or 17.6 million people, suffers from alcohol use disorder or alcohol dependence.” One in every twelve! That’s a lot of people, y’all. I’m sure we all can agree drinking is a staple activity in our society, which can provoke a lot of anxiety for those who do struggle with this dependency. It’s hard to go anywhere that doesn’t have a drink menu, or an option to drink. It surrounds us in bowling alleys, movie theatres, theme parks, sporting events, concert venues…the list could go on for days. Drinking is everywhere. While the definition of alcohol addiction can vary based on how severe the situation is, The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) explain that it entails: strong cravings, not being able to cut back drinking/increase in drinking, experiencing withdrawal symptoms when stopping, continuing to drink even when recognizing it may be a problem, etc. These are symptoms that are usually happening long-term, and can be gradually built upon, as they become more of an issue for the person experiencing them. This can be tricky to notice because a large factor in addiction is denial. When shame is involved in the drinking patterns, we naturally want to find a way to stop feeling it because it is painful. As a result, people end up in a negative cycle of denying the pattern of drinking, and then using it as a way to cope or deal with the pain that is associated. It’s important to know that there are ways to break the cycle, and to create healthy habits instead. Recovery agencies, individual counseling, and support groups like AA are great ways to get involved in healing. Alcohol may be strong, but we are stronger.
Society and Alcohol
Sometimes it feels like there is nothing to do besides drink when we want to forget the hardships we are experiencing. I’m sure we have all heard the term ‘blackout’ when talking about drinking. Alcohol has the ability to make you forget the past, and the present. So often people find themselves drinking to cover the stress of a long day at work, or a problem that keeps coming up at home, or maybe to forget a fight we had with a loved one. How often do we see in our culture people drinking to relieve stress and let go? I would say that it can be pretty noticeable when we think about the concept of things like “happy hour,” which is set up to give those of age a place to drink and unwind after a long day at work, usually between the hours of 3-6. The timing is specific in this! A majority of Americans work a nine-hour shift that ends anywhere in that happy hour range. The more we look at how our society is set up, the more we can see that drinking is so casually apparent that it seems difficult to not find yourself over-drinking or becoming attached to the behavior. As we talked about in the negative cycle of addiction, drinking can easily become a thing that we do to cover up pain, stress, low self-esteem, or anything that’s too hard to feel.
This Month
One of the main components of Alcohol Awareness Month is that it encourages an Alcohol Free Weekend, which is usually the first weekend of April. This year, it is April 5-7. The idea is to try your best, or to completely refrain, from drinking alcohol as a way to show support to those struggling, and to provide a model of hope to those struggling. During this weekend (and every weekend this month), it is encouraged to spread awareness to those around you about what alcohol addiction may look like, how it can show up, and what steps can be taken to help with alcohol dependency in your community. Take advantage of nature and the nice weather, meet a friend for lunch or coffee, do something creative in your safe spaces like drawing or painting—finding a hobby that is separate from alcohol can be helpful! Local colleges, churches, and recovery agencies can be found showing support during these events if you’re looking for ways to be involved in the cause! Many counselors in the field are trained specifically on this topic, and would most likely be more than willing to discuss or provide information on trends and patterns that relate to alcohol addiction. We are always here for you!
Loved Ones are Impacted, too.
So what can this month teach us about ‘helping for today, and hoping for tomorrow?’ What if you aren’t someone that is struggling with alcohol addiction, but are affected by someone who is? No matter who you are, there are tons of resources available for anyone involved in this painful situation. Many of us forget that while the person experiencing alcohol dependency is in pain, more likely than not those around them like their family, partners, support system, etc. are too. Support groups like Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) are a safe and engaging space to process your experience. They are free, and are usually open to anyone looking for a community setting. This is a great way to feel a sense of support and understand that there are others out there that may be feeling the same way you are. This goes for saying with groups like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), as well. Alcoholism can be so isolating. Finding a sense of community in the darkness of addiction can be a validating and encouraging part of healing.
Show Your Support
As we’ve talked about before, this can be a hard topic to talk about! There is a negative stigma that our society has placed on addiction. We look to TV shows and movies to guide us on how to react to addictive behavior (Anyone seen the show Shameless? Frank Gallagher, is a classic example people reference when I talk with them about alcoholic tendencies!). During the month of April, try to challenge yourself when thinking about how we view addiction as a society. Many who struggle with alcohol addiction also have depression, relationship troubles, anxiety, or another related issue. There are so many wonderful ways to get involved and spread a caring and kind message to those who are lost within their addiction. Garnering a sense of hope is important, and may give way for us all to live a better tomorrow. This epidemic starts and ends with constant education, and the more we know, the better we know how to respond to it! Happy Alcohol Awareness Month, fellow readers!
Emily is currently in her final year of the Master of Education in Counseling at Stephens College, here in Columbia. She is active in the student led Stephens Counseling Association, and is also a part of the American Counseling Association (ACA). Prior to graduate school, Emily received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at the University of Missouri (Columbia). Emily enjoys working with both adolescents and adults as they process their growth through counseling. She collaborates best with individuals looking to embrace their true identity, find their inner confidence, recognize innate strengths, and find a way to effectively cope with transitions, depression, and anxiety. Emily is eager to experience and train for working with couples and families, a scope of her practice that will have a clear advantage based on her early childhood education experience.
Reflection Over The Year: Tim
As I reflect back on 2018, I realize that this past year has brought about many changes to my life. Growth happens to be the word that comes to mind most often during my reflections. This happened in many parts of my life and I couldn’t be more pleased. Growing responsibilities, family, and realizations of my priorities have completely changed the way I view my life. This is difficult, as well as fulfilling.
Looking Back
As I reflect back on 2018, I realize that this past year has brought about many changes to my life. Growth happens to be the word that comes to mind most often during my reflections. This happened in many parts of my life and I couldn’t be more pleased. Growing responsibilities, family, and realizations of my priorities have completely changed the way I view my life. This is difficult, as well as fulfilling.
If this year has taught me anything, it is that patience is key. I feel like I live my life chasing the next goal. I can’t remember ever stopping and actually thinking about where I am. I wouldn’t say I was unappreciative, but rather unaware. I’ve burnt myself out in the past by chasing after things that simply take time. I don’t want to say they’re easy and I can definitely say I worked for them. However, I’ve achieved some goals and got to a place in my life where I am starting to get comfortable. I mean this in a positive sense. I still have drive and I still have goals. I’m just learning that things take time. This realization has brought me much more patience in regards to myself and others around me.
You’ll Understand
I’ve finally realized why I was told, “you’ll understand when you have a child.” I was selfish because it was something I could afford to be. Of course, I spent a lot of time focused on my happiness. I made lists and spent many hours thinking about the options that I had in regards to my home life and the freedom I had in regards to time and finances. This has drastically changed with the recent addition to our family. My wife and I recently welcomed a baby girl into this world and this has shaken all of our priorities up. This change has forced me to view everything differently. I haven’t figured out if it’s forced me to view anything more positively or negatively. I think I’ll just stick with differently. I feel that I’ve always understood the stressors that come along with being an individual that is unsure of what the future for them looks like. I’ve also understood many situations that include partners and transitions that occur to young adults. However, parenthood was never a topic that I acted like I understood. I feel like I’m slowly growing to understand it, but I also feel that it is something I will continue to learn throughout my life.
Listen, Relax, and Slow Down
These changes in my life, along with realizing that I needed to slow down and focus on relationships, have encouraged me to put more faith in the messages I receive from the loved ones around me. I am very self-critical, as are many people, due to making the same mistakes I’ve seen others make countless times. We are all chasing our own versions of perfection and I feel like this has caused disappointment for myself. There’re many things we can’t control and there is a reason we can’t control them. Many mistakes happen and choices are made for us. This can be frustrating. I want to take control of my life and when major changes occur, we can feel that our control is slipping. This is a perfectly natural occurrence. We are not immune to changes, but adaptable when these situations arise.
Things get in the way sometimes and we’re unable to focus on the specific goals that we have set for ourselves. This is okay.
I think this realization has allowed me to truly relax when I need a break. My work demands the best of me. My friends demand the best of me. My family demands the best of me. However, nobody will get the best of me if I am not willing to reflect upon the way I think and the way I act. I can take time to make sure that I am the best I can be. We all can. We can all take time to make sure that we are the healthiest and most effective versions of ourselves. This is what counseling is all about, right?
I am no longer racing towards goals. Racing only causes me to miss things along the way. A slower and more methodical approach allows me to view everything in its entirety. Life isn’t a race and they’re so many things that happened in 2018 that helped me to understand that. When making major purchases, you should take your time to ensure that your money will be well spent. When identifying problems within a relationship, you should take your time to evaluate your expectations. When committing to long-term changes, you should take your time identifying whether the changes actually need to happen. What I’m trying to say is that it is important to fully assess where you are at before you jump ship or change courses. I think this year has been important in that I have learned that taking time away from big decisions (when you have this opportunity) allows you to assess the decisions with clarity.
Finding What Works
Along with taking some personal time away, I feel that I should include that my time away was not in solitude. I was and still am surrounding myself with people that care about me. I am working on relationships that I have in order to get to a place where I feel safe to process through intimate details with the people I am closest to. While there may be some people who do their best work on their own, I am not that person. I need healthy relationships with reasonable and smart people. They don’t need to be geniuses. They just need to know how to communicate effectively. I was looking to people who would listen. I was strengthening those relationships in order to be able to process through my problems and my stressors effectively. This is made me appreciate my friends and family so much more.
Work Changes
Switching to my work life, I have encountered an abundance of change. Looking back on it, the only negative part I can pull from it was my feelings about initial changes and resistance to embracing them as positive changes. I think what I was resistant to was the changes that made me uncomfortable. I am a creature of habit and can struggle to make needed changes. I feel I try to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. I think the changes in my personal life have forced me to accept changes as they are a normal part of life. The changes in my work life have definitely been a benefit for me and have pushed me to become a better person. I think I have become a better clinician, however, the changes that I’ve made due to my work life have impacted me more personally than I had initially thought they would.
Through the work of being a part of a growing practice, I have learned that complacency is a quick way to find failure. This has encouraged me to view things differently in practice and has forced me to take a second look at the way I view things outside of therapy. I have learned that we are never finished working on ourselves. I feel like this is pretty broad, but there is constantly a need for us to change as a practice and as individuals. This is uncomfortable for me. As stated before, I am a creature of habit. The changes in our practice, while minor, are still new. Due to this fact, there is a sliver of stress that comes along with it. It is definitely humbling to encounter a change that must be made and still struggle the commitment to this change. I feel like this is starting to sound very abstract, but I feel like it is very true to my situation.
Another key to my work life has been the demands that it places on me. This isn’t going to be typical “stressed with work” portion of the blog. These demands have pushed me out of my comfort zone and force me to face things that I haven’t previously faced. This has resulted in a higher amount of learned techniques to accomplish goals. This helps me to measure my value in a productive manner by measuring successes, rather than focusing on my failures.
I am very thankful for the opportunity that I have. I work with other professionals that share the same passion I have for counseling. I know I stress relationships when speaking about my personal life, but they’re just as important in my professional life. We all make mistakes and it is very refreshing to have a kind group of people to call you out when you’re not being sincere. They’re able to identify when I am slipping up or when I am being lazy. This is important. This provides me a source of accountability. These are the types of people that you need around. We all need people who will call us on our mistakes and correct us when we are wrong. It’s so much easier when those people are also kind and supportive. The work that I’ve done with supportive people in my life has been much more meaningful to me then my other accomplishments. I can reflect with others on the times that we accomplished group goals. I know many people, including myself, place a lot of pride in their ability to complete goals without other people. However, accomplishments that are made with others seem to be so much easier to celebrate. This leads to a situation where someone is there to give you a congratulations and a high five. I’m not sure of everyone’s opinions of high fives, but I thoroughly enjoy them. It’s fun seeing the joy in somebody else and it is even more enjoyable when you realize that you have some ownership of the cause of their joy. Celebrating successes have been a large part of the past year and it’s really exciting to think about. I’m not celebrating major wins, but it nice to feel like you are moving in the right direction.
Baby 2018 + Puppy 2018 = Not Recommended
Switching to a less serious topic, having a baby and getting a puppy in the same year is not something I would recommend. I love them both, however, they are both very demanding. My patience with my child is far greater than my patience with my dog. He is frustrating and attention seeking, while also very sweet and loving. I keep reminding myself that he is doing what most of us do. We alert others when we are not feeling well or we are bored in order to get our needs met. Previously, I would get frustrated and regret the decision to bring a dog home. However, he is now behaving much better and proving to me that utilizing my personal time to form meaningful relationships has its benefits, even if the relationship is with a dog. It sounds silly, but the lessons I have learned in 2018 are astronomical.
Change
Changes are difficult and bad habits are hard to break. However, we own the ability to dictate where we belong and how we will behave. This is important to remember and should be a reminder to everyone (me, included) that we should never make changes simply to satisfy others. Make changes that will help you personally. Allow yourself to be selfish in order to attain happiness. This will help you to be truer to yourself, resulting in better relationships and thankful friends and family that have desired to see the best you that was available.
The patience and understanding I learned have directly transferred into my work life, helping to increase my relationships across the board. I’m very thankful for 2018. I’m a happier person due to the additions we have had in our family. At the core, I think this all comes back to my relationships. As for those relationships, 2018 was a great reminder that I have some damn good ones.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TIM FITZPATRICK
Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.
Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.
The Practice of Gratitude
Ahhh, the wonderful time of year where everyone goes around the table and talks about what they are thankful for. Personally, I love winter holidays but, the idea of expressing what we are thankful for is something I strive for daily. Yep. You read that right. Every single day.
Ahhh, the wonderful time of year where everyone goes around the table and talks about what they are thankful for. Personally, I love winter holidays but, the idea of expressing what we are thankful for is something I strive for daily. Yep. You read that right. Every single day. This can be difficult when everything starts to pile up on your plate. One day your car breaks down, you don’t have a place to sleep, you find your counselor isn’t a good fit but you’re stuck, you break up with your partner, or you are struggling at work or school. The list goes on and on with what could go wrong. We know this can be really tough.
How About What Goes Right?
When we focus on what is going right in our life, we tend to realize that we have a lot to be thankful for. We are ready to show appreciation for others and things in our life. Practicing daily gratitude can lower depression and make you happier. Not only can it help you as an individual, but for couples, it can improve your relationship. We are often quick to criticize and not provide positive affirmation to our partner.
“Well, I say thank you.”
That’s great! Saying thank you to people is not only polite, but shares that you are thankful. This is where gratitude can grow. Gratitude is deep. It’s the moment when someone gets a popped tire with three kids in the car and is stranded on the road. Then, someone stops to help out of the kindness of their heart. The parent is grateful, and might even feel they owe something to the individual who helped them out. It’s the idea that someone was extremely extremely grateful for something. A half “thanks for doing that” is totally different from, “thank you so much for helping my family out”. Next time you go to say thank you, see if you are saying it slightly out of polite habit, or because you recognize and are grateful for the fact someone went out of their way for you.
Two Components
Gratitude has two components to it. The first would be affirmation of goodness, such as affirming the fact that there are good things in the world (gifts and benefits we receive). The second would be recognizing the sources of happiness are outside of ourselves (in this case). We totally get you can have happiness within yourself (and we hope you do!) but in order for there to be gratitude, someone has to be providing something. The “something” does not have to be an item though. People can be grateful for company, time, and much more. The idea is that you feel a strong compassion.
How do I do this?
Practicing daily gratitude takes time and, you got it…practice. Just like any other change in your life, it does not typically happen over night. We want to provide you with some basic ways to start changing your mindset. Some of these won’t be for everyone, but making the small changes provides the opportunity to make big changes! Start a little outside of your comfort zone and push yourself just a bit!
Don’t Be a Picky Person.
More often than not, we tend to focus on the big things we are grateful for whether it be finally conceiving a child, getting a promotion, or getting married. These are all big steps in your life and absolutely worth being grateful for. However, did you wake up grateful that your nostrils were clear and you don’t have allergies? How about that you were able to have internet to be reading this (amongst other things)? Were you grateful that your favorite shirt was clean? How about the fact that the weather changes and you got to experience leaves falling one day and snow the next? All of these are small things that happen in our life that we can appreciate and find value in. Don’t focus on only the big stuff. True gratitude comes form valuing the small things.
It Is Not All Positive.
I really like this one. Sometimes, when we go through a crummy situation like depression, grief, or loss of a job; we should be grateful then as well. I am not saying everything is full rainbows and sunshine. It’s okay to still feel upset. This should not be the focus when practicing gratitude. Without sadness, we do not know what happiness is. We explore what makes us happy or sad. With grief, we realize that we have had the opportunity to love and care for something so deeply that we grieve at its loss. This loss can even leave openings for new opportunities. A typical example of this would be when you lose your family pet. This loss opens the door for a “replacement” pet (because let’s be honest, each pet is individual and never replaceable). Look into some experiences you have considered negative and take a look at how they have created who you are as an individual.
Write About It.
I have recently began implementing this one myself. Writing is not for everyone. It takes time. I recently picked up Count Your Rainbows as my daily gratitude journal. On one page, it asks me to write a couple of things I valued about the weather. I had to think back and realized I hadn’t paid any attention to the weather that day because I had not been outside. Now, I focus on the weather and appreciate aspects of it. These small changes can create positivity in your life. Writing does not have to be a novel, although it totally can be! The point is to find something that works for you. For you, this might not be writing, and that is a-okay, my friend.
Give Your Time to Someone Else
With the holiday season right around the corner, volunteering can be an optimal way to practice gratitude. Nothing is more humbling than realizing all that you have that someone else does not. Giving back to others in your local community not only helps them, but studies have shown that volunteering in order to benefit others can increase our own well-being. How could we not want to help ourselves sand improve someone else’s life?
Say it
I know I mentioned above saying “thank you” is not enough. I am not saying we don’t need to say thanks. We surely do. Think of a time when you have told someone thank you. Handing me a tissue comes to mind for me. I could have reached them on my own, but they were nice enough to do so for me. I said, “thanks.” Now, imagine if I had snot running out of my nose, I saw no tissues in sight, and they whipped one right out of their bag. Then I would have been more likely to say, “Wow! Thank you soooo much.” I truly would have been grateful while the first was more, “That was kind.” See the difference? I get it’s a bit of a silly example, but being handed a tissue is something we might take for granted. Now, every “thank you” should be more like the second. If you already do this, awesome! Expressing gratitude in more ways than just “thank you” is important as well.
Why Should We Do This?
As we continue practicing gratitude, our mindset will shift. One can begin to focus on what is important and what they already have versus what they do not have. This can change our attitude when presented with different situations. The great news is that this change in your life can decrease anxiety, provide clarity on who you are, and make everyday happier! Who doesn’t want that?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Machaela Rausch
Counseling Intern & Client Liaison | The Counseling Hub
Machaela is currently in her second year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Central Methodist University (CMU). She is the client liaison for The Counseling Hub where she assists with getting individuals set up with a counselor. She obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and a minor in Multicultural Studies from the University of Missouri.
Machaela is currently receiving experience in the Counseling Center at MACC’s Columbia Campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identitiy crisis, school-related stressors, depression issues, coping with anxiety, and body image issues. Machaela has attended conferences regarding LGBTQ+ community and currently works for a non profit organization where she provides Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Implementing to individuals with developmental delays. Machaela has worked here for three years. Machaela is an active member of the American Counseling Association (ACA).
Machaela enjoys working with diverse populations and aims to always be open to new learning experiences. Machaela seeks to be a comforting and kind individual for the first contact with The Counseling Hub. Machaela understands the process of getting into therapy can be difficult and aims to provide people with a smooth process.
Social Support & Community: Chosen Family
Your chosen family are the ones you put as your emergency contact when you fill out paperwork because you know your mom would flip. It’s the sister you always wanted, the brother who loves you as you are, or simply a close friend.
I want you to think back with me for a second. Did you have a friend growing up who meant the world to you? Did you have someone you could go to with everything? You knew they would not judge you and they always had your back. Some would call this their “ride or die” or “peanut butter to my jelly.”
If you didn’t have this, well I hope it comes. For the LGBT+ community, when your family does not support you, this “ride or die” is a big part of their life. This is known as your chosen family.
Chosen Family
Your chosen family are the ones you put as your emergency contact when you fill out paperwork because you know your mom would flip. It’s the sister you always wanted, the brother who loves you as you are, or simply a close friend.
Chosen families are often formed because individuals are rejected by their actual family, experience homophobia at home, or may not feel supported by their family. Due to the fact that they do not have the love and support they hope for, they seek it elsewhere. Without individuals to support us in any journey of our life, we can begin to feel depressed or alone.
Now you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, I have close friends who I would consider the ‘sister I never had’. That’s my best friend. What’s the difference?” The difference is that your friend is an “extra” while for these individuals, it is all they have. This is so common that a documentary has been created called the “Chosen Family” to show how hard it is!
The Hard Truth
It hurts to think about, but unfortunately, of homeless individuals, sexual minorities rank amongst the highest homeless population. Think about that for a second. When I think of how many people are homeless, it brings me to the fact that so many are left or kicked out because of their sexual or gender identity. The feeling that you are not accepted for who you are can wreck havoc on your mental well being.
In June of 2016, a nightclub was targeted and 49 individuals were killed. Why were they targeted? Due to the stigmas and hatred surrounding LGBTQ community. There are many aspects of this that are hard and upsetting, but in regards to the chosen family, individuals who share no blood lost their family that night. People in the club lost their “chosen family.” This is also a time where chosen family can come in handy. Your biological family might feel very upset or angry if you were a target of a hate crime, but they do not know what it is like to be a target unless they are apart of the community.
It doesn’t start as a choice
This is part of the hard truth. Most individuals feel as though they do not have many options. Your family can begin as someone showing you how to ask someone out, pick your first dress, go on a date, and anything in between. They provide information and guidance that your biological family cannot. For some, their biological family members include LGBTQ+ members who can provide guidance, which is awesome. Even then, discrimination can take place. Discrimination can show in all sorts of ways, so it is important to be cautious of how we speak to one another. As a family member of LGBTQ+, it is important to also remember that it does not mean they do not love you. Their chosen family provides a strong bond that makes them feel secure. Family members should be happy that their family member has been able to find such close friends to disclose to.
What does a chosen family bring?
Your chosen family provides you individuals who can relate to you. They provide a safe space to talk about emotionally draining topics. Even if your family is completely supportive, you might have family members who don’t understand. Individuals within the community understand what transgender means. Like I said above, they can help guide you and provide information versus having to be taught all of the information.
Family additions
For some sexual minorities, having children can be difficult. Children can also be expensive to reproduce. This could mean the cost of sperm, testing, and all medical procedures. Your family might not happen in this way. Adoption is a great choice, but even that is expensive. People have to make the decision all the time as to what will be best for their future family. There was once a time where they were also denied the right to marry, so someone could not be your partner by law, so they would be your chosen long term partner. Some individuals still decide to not get married. This would be part of your chosen family.
There also might be a bisexual 50-year-old who possibly meets a bisexual 20-year-old. They are very fond of each other, but have no romantic interest. Thus, they become friends. The 50-year-old woman was exiled from her family, but the 20-year-old is loved by her sister who knows and “in the closet” with the rest of her family. She needs guidance on dating and how to show she is flirting versus just being kind, so she asks the coworker. Eventually, they form a friendship. Then, the 20-year-old continues to reach out to the 50-year-old even after their jobs take them different ways. She now refers to her as “like a mother.” This would be her chosen mother. It does not mean she does not love her original mother, but she has found guidance, love, support, and parental advisory within an adult in her population. This would be an addition to her family.
Community Ties
Think of a time where you had to move and uproot your life. If you have not experienced this, imagine what it would be like if you had to right now. It’s scary, exhausting, thrilling, and everything in between. Depending on what stage of the coming out process you are in, you might want some places to go and people to meet. Having a chosen family can bring you community ties to find places in the area that are supportive and friendly to your community. Depending on where someone lives, this can be really difficult. This might just be John’s house on 9th street because his parents are open minded. It could be a bar for primarily gay people like we have in Columbia. With the growing community, it is important to know what is available to you. There could be support clubs at high schools, local business that celebrate PRIDE, PRIDEfest in your area, and so much more! By connecting with other members of the LGBTQ+ community and forming your own chosen family, you are opening doors you might not even know were there!
Emotional Support
As I said above, it is nice to have people to talk to. Not only is it nice, but it is proven to support your mental health. Having a family who you can rely on, trust, and feel safe with provides a comfort like no other. By getting involved, you have the opportunity to form a bond with people who are experiencing something very similar or have experienced it before. With the high rates of homelessness and suicide, it is important to find people that you have these feelings with. Our team is always open to providing a safe space to explore who you are, but we would highly recommend forming healthy friendships and relationships with others.
If you are a member of the LGBTQ+ community and are in the final phase of coming out, then think of what you might be able to do for someone else. You might be the one that someone wants to come to. You might be the older person in our example above who finds themselves providing guidance to someone. Your role as a chosen family member can be larger than you think. Are you guiding them to seek help when necessary? Are you teaching them about safe hang out spots? Are they a part of other healthy friendships? Have they mentioned what their home life is like? We aren’t saying it is your responsibility, but you have the chance to possibly be a chosen family member that you did not have. Even better, you have the chance to be like the ones you do have!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
MACHAELA RAUSCH- CLIENT LIAISON
Machaela is currently in her second year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Central Methodist University (CMU). She is the client liaison for The Counseling Hub where she assists with getting individuals set up with a counselor. She obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and a minor in Multicultural Studies from the University of Missouri.
Machaela is currently receiving experience in the Counseling Center at MACC’s Columbia Campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identitiy crisis, school-related stressors, depression issues, coping with anxiety, and body image issues. Machaela has attended conferences regarding LGBTQ+ community and currently works for a non profit organization where she provides Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Implementing to individuals with developmental delays. Machaela has worked here for three years. Machaela is an active member of the American Counseling Association (ACA).
Machaela enjoys working with diverse populations and aims to always be open to new learning experiences. Machaela seeks to be a comforting and kind individual for the first contact with The Counseling Hub. Machaela understands the process of getting into therapy can be difficult and aims to provide people with a smooth process.
PFLAG: The Parent's Process
Wow. This is hard. Or maybe it’s not. But, it’s probably hard. If your child has recently come out as identifying on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, you might have said this is hard to yourself. Although we desire our children to grow up and live the way that feels right for them, we also create certain aspirations for them.
Parents experience it, too.
Wow. This is hard. Or maybe it’s not. But, it’s probably hard. If your child has recently come out as identifying on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, you might have said this is hard to yourself. Although we desire our children to grow up and live the way that feels right for them, we also create certain aspirations for them. These aspirations may not align with the LGBTQ+ community and hurl you into unexpected territory. Processing that your child might not fulfil your dreams or expectations of growing up “normal” (not saying LGBTQ+ individuals are not normal) might be hard. It may feel like a grieving process or just a minor bump in the road. But, no matter what, you love your child and want them to be happy above all else.
Now you’re trying to figure out what to do next. What do you say when they do come out? Who should you tell? Who can you talk to when you don’t want to share your possibly judgmental questions or statements with? There are some basics that you should know about. Age is just a number, so this can happen whether they are five or fifty.
Be careful of rejecting
Even if your child is an extremely rational person, they may have the fear that you’ll reject them. The best thing that you can do is simply remind them that your love for them is stronger than whatever feelings you have about their gender or sexuality.
Suicide risk and depression for those identifying with the LGBTQ+ population have extremely high numbers as compared to the general population. LGBTQ+ identifying youth often are rejected from families and they have the highest homeless population of any other homeless youth across America. What this means is that for many youth coming out to their families- whether they are supportive families or not- they fear that a major part of who they are as a person will be rejected by the people that love them most. They may even fear for their safety.
Rejection can have many forms from outright being “kicked out”, telling your child that you don’t support them, or telling them not to tell certain people that they are LGBTQ+. Your child may suffer rejection from others in their life such. This cause all sorts of anxiety for the child. They need your support.
Be aware of “outing” your child
The coming out process is hard enough when one person (your child) must do it. Now, they have to worry about being “outed” by others they have told. This includes you. When a person first comes out, they have a heightened sense of awareness of who knows and who doesn’t know.
The best thing for you to do is talk about who you can tell or talk to and who you shouldn’t. For many youth, being outed can have disastrous effects such as being rejected from friends, the church they may attend, or being rejected by some family members.
On a more practical level, discussing sexual or gender identity is not something most people talk to acquaintances about. Think about it: most heterosexual cis-gender (people whose birth sex aligns with their identified sex) people don’t go “Hey co-worker Tom who works downstairs, I need you to know that I am sexually attracted to the opposite sex.” Although this sentence is absolutely ridiculous, many parents do share their child’s personal information in seemingly harmless ways.
These harmless ways could look like parents gathering before a soccer game and Martha’s mom says she’s going with Tim to Homecoming. You, as the parent of a child who identifies as LGBTQ might say, Oh, Annie is going with Tina and they are getting matching dresses! Since soccer is recreational and people can go to any school, maybe Annie was “out” at school but not at soccer.
Parents don’t need to disclose their child’s sexual or gender identity to people who don’t need to know. You wouldn’t want your sexual fantasies shared with everyone you know to be judged. Before you tell anyone (after gaining consent from your child) it would be good to ask yourself what will my child benefit from if this person knows who they are sexually attracted to (identify as…)? Again, it’s ultimately up to the person you’re talking about to out their gender and sexual orientations. If you feel the need to tell others, it’s shows that you respect your child when you ask if it’s okay to tell others. Every parent wants what’s best for their child but not everyone will agree on what’s best. You may be proud and think that it’s best to share their identity with the world; however, the child has to live with the consequences most intimately. Permission is important.
What if you are not ready to tell others?
On one hand you may want to share you perfect child with the world, but on the other hand, you may need time to process it yourself. Eventually, you want all your friends to know, but you’re still trying to figure out what this means for both your child and you. If your child’s telling people and you aren’t ready, you need to talk to them about. Unfortunately, being a sexual minority (which identifying as LGBTQ+ is a sexual minority) can be a difficult pill to swallow for others. Even more, you may not be yet equipped with what to say when people begin asking questions. What would you say if a person came up to you and said, “Ya know, I always had this feeling he was gay” or “What does he mean he wants to be a girl? Could he just be gay?” You may not even know what appropriate responses are to these questions or statements. What people will find is that people are very curious about others’ circumstances and LGBTQ+ identities. People want to understand sexual minorities and say things that they think are harmless in an effort to gain awareness and knowledge or to prove they’re not any type of phobic against sexual minorities. If you aren’t prepared for answering questions or telling others, you may want to speak with your child about this. Keep in mind, it’s important to let your child know that keeping it to yourselves right now is not a forever thing. Making your child feel like it’s a secret that they identify on the LGBTQ+ spectrum may feel like rejection. This can cause even more difficulty with owning their sexual identity. Framing the situation so that the parent has time to think about what they will say or do (just as your child contemplated telling you for a while) will allow the child and parent to both feel respected.
Who should you talk to?
It’s probably not appropriate to talk to your child about your uncertainties regarding their LGBTQ+ identity. This could be interpreted as a form of rejection. Who can you talk to? Maybe your child said they weren’t ready for you to tell your friends or maybe you aren’t ready.
Either way, you may need a space to process or gain knowledge. A great resource for parents is the Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays- also known as PFLAG. Although the name represents only two identities, the foundation has expanded to include all identities on the spectrum. The foundation was established to help support those who are directly involved with LGBTQ+ individuals like you. A word of caution is that you can still accidently “out” your child by becoming involved with local parents. If your child says that they don’t want you saying their name, then it’s best to give them that privacy even if it’s in an accepting place such as PFLAG. Finding a place that is accepting to discuss your thoughts and ask questions may help you along your journey of acceptance and understanding of your child.
Be Patient
When your child comes out to you, it may be a very emotionally charged situation. This can cause all sorts of feelings within you as well. You may or may not have expected this conversation, but either way, there’s an adjustment period. Finding a counselor to assist in the adjustment period can be seen as a positive step. You may not know exactly what all of this means or what to say but you need to convey the message that you love them as your child above all else- whether you agree with their decision or not. Your child and you need to talk about who the both of you can tell now, and who should be told at a later date. You child probably spent a lot of time preparing for this conversation and feared being rejected or misunderstood. Just the same, you are also going to need time to process their outing. Talking to others who are in a similar situation, such as the parents at PFLAG will help you make meaning of your child’s identity. Something important to point out is that your child told you. They felt safe enough to be their true self with you. They trust you. That is love.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons- Intern
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.