Online Counseling For Couples Arguing
What a convenient time to learn how to fight with your partner while we are stuck together due to COVID-19?! Seriously though, we are stuck together with the people in our homes and this creates many, many opportunities to learn (or put into practice) skills to have healthy conflict. I will be the first to admit, we all need the practice. Even if we weren’t legally ordered to stay at home with our families, it’s probable that you’re going to have disagreements on how to navigate through this time.
Stuck At Home & Stuck In Conflict
What a convenient time to learn how to fight with your partner while we are stuck together due to COVID-19?! Seriously though, we are stuck together with the people in our homes and this creates many, many opportunities to learn (or put into practice) skills to have healthy conflict. I will be the first to admit, we all need the practice. Even if we weren’t legally ordered to stay at home with our families, it’s probable that you’re going to have disagreements on how to navigate through this time. Do we order drive-thru? No way! Yes way! I’m tired of cooking, give me a break. We need to stay away!
Now, fighting isn’t inherently bad. In other words: fighting isn’t bad in and of itself. Disagreements and fights can lead to several good and healthy outcomes in a relationship; understanding of another’s perspective, passionate make ups, being able to air differences, and so on. It’s not realistic to not fight- or at least disagree on things. What makes fighting not so productive is when it has certain markers that are known to be unhealthy and even corrosive to relationships (think horsemen, rejecting influence, no compromise, seeking validation outside the relationship). I am going to give you a little information about couples counseling regarding conflict, mainly from the Gottman approach. Then, I am going to tell you how this might look via telehealth.
Hold Up. What’s Really Happening?
Before you begin therapy it would be helpful to figure out what changes you would like to see. The response I hear often is “I just want to stop fighting” or “We don’t know how to have conflict.” The issue is that the term “conflict” can cover an assortment of things.
Maybe it has to do with the amount of arguing (we can’t talk about anything without getting into a fight!).
Maybe you have certain topics that are issues (we really cannot talk about how we parent, it will not go well!).
Maybe you can’t get your partner to engage in a discussion (they always walk away as soon as I start to talk!)
Maybe you feel disrespected and add heat the fire (well if he’s gonna walk off, I am gonna follow him in there and really tell him off!)
Maybe it’s that you don’t feel heard and you keep saying the same things over and over (why don’t they listen to me?!)
Or maybe you want it to just be resolved (I just want us to solve it!)
Whatever it may be, it would be helpful to reflect ahead of time what’s not working so that you can communicate that with your therapist. One common concern is that people want to stop having conflict about one particular topic; they want resolution with it.
Conflict Resolution
The Gottmans found that 69% of conflict couples have are perpetual conflict. This means that 69% of the things that you and your partner argue over will likely be things that you argue over throughout the duration of your relationship. Say what??? It never fails that when I give this statistic people are astonished.
An example of a perpetual issue might be that one partner, John, is more organized than the other, Mary. It might ebb and flow that Mary is more organized, or John is more accepting of her messiness. Orderliness and organization can be perpetual issue due to differences in personalities. It may feel hopeless and terrifying to never “resolve” the issue(s) that keep coming up which often leads people to seek therapy. So, if resolving in the way that the problem is gone completely isn’t an option, then what can people expect? Compromise, validation, understanding, empathy, perspective, repair, and more.
The Many Pieces of Conflict
There are a whole host of things that can lead to successfully conflicting, or having crap hit-the-fan. I couldn’t possibly list all of them with their explanations- whole books have been written on them! So some of the markers can include compromise (give a little to get a little), repair (slowing it down or fixing it after), horsemen (four markers related to relationship dissolution), perspective (thinking negatively or positively about your partner), and communicating empathy and understanding. That is definitely not all of them- but you get the idea. If conflict is an area of pain or tension in your relationship these concepts will be explored with your therapist when you come in. Your therapist will give you information on them, highlight them when they show up, and help you navigate to healthier outlooks.
Got it! Now what about telehealth for this?
Okay, so now you’ve got a small idea about what to expect from working on conflict during therapy. Here is the thing: you’ve gottta do it via telehealth. Telehealth is the process of engaging in therapy via phone or virtually on some platform like Facetime or Skype- only on a HIPAA compliant platform. Our advanced world has given mental health professionals the opportunity to provide services to those even when we cannot meet face-to-face. What an amazing thing for us and for you! Not much is different working on conflict via telehealth. It has been proven that telehealth is just as effective as in person therapy. It can definitely be scary to choose to have a conflict with your partner when your therapist is literally miles away and you are stuck at the house with your partner after the session ends. Here’s the thing: conflict is going to happen. I like to use the analogy of teaching a child how to tie their shoes. It’s a pain in the you-know-what when you’re in the middle of teaching them, you’ve got to stop and walk them through it each time they take them on and off. Once they learn, you don’t have to do that anymore. Once a skill is down, you can reap the benefits of it. It’s often uncomfortable (and frustrating) to learn new skills, especially when it’s conflict with our partners but the benefits can only improve the quality of your relationship.
A few tips for your telehealth sessions:
1. Bring a note pad and pen.
Taking notes is an important part of listening and reflecting back what you hear.
2. Be sure your internet is good to go for seamless sessions.
Interruption stinks. Sometimes there’s no getting around it, yet we all try our best!
3. Print off the feeling wheel (or have one ready).
Every person that comes to my office knows how I love my feeling wheel!
4. Prepare for session.
This means that you should spend time reflecting on what you want to talk about, the same way you might as you are heading to the office for a session. It’s also important to get in a mindset that is open for communication and feedback.
5. Plan for afterwards.
Some people love being around each other after a good fight, while others need time away to decompress. Prepare by thinking about what you and your partner might need or want.
That’s it!
This might not have covered all your concerns, so feel free to contact us so we can answer any questions you might have! No questions? Let’s get started!
Conflict isn’t fun (usually), but it’s necessary. Healthy conflict skills can be effectively learned and implemented via telehealth to help improve your relationship now. There is no need to wait until we aren’t in a pandemic— your relationship deserves all the care and attention you have so that you and your partner feel happy, loved, and cared for.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
Online Counseling for Infidelity
Many people fall into one small problem: showing up to a counselor’s office isn’t an option right now, for whatever reason. Maybe you or your partner travel for work and are gone for most weeks out of the year. It could be possible you can only do late evenings or weekends and the office building is locked down at that time. Maybe you have children and it’s not possible to drive into the office or there is no one to come to the house to watch the kids. For the most common right now, maybe there is a global pandemic occurring and counselors are only seeing clients via telehealth. Whatever it may be, you can still do the work. You can still reap the benefits of in person therapy during this difficult time from the comfort of your own home/office/hotel/wherever.
For most of history, therapy has been viewed as primarily an in-person experience. It was one where you would schedule an appointment via phone, drive to the office, and sit in a waiting area until your name(s) are called. You would shake hands with a (hopefully) caring and warm therapist who would direct you into their office and offer you a seat. Although you might be nervous, you know that you need to be here. Especially, if you’ve just discovered (or your partner has discovered) an affair. Being in a therapist’s office after the discovery of infidelity can feel like a couple of different things.
It could feel like a safe haven where the therapist will see your horrible shame and vouch that your partner should believe your recommitment.
It could feel like relief to know that you are going to be helped or told what to do to “fix” it (which is not exactly what we do).
Or, it could feel like you are voluntarily walking into a hell that you cannot escape for an hour (or 90-minutes) while hoping that your angry partner will eventually lose steam and everything will be okay again.
Then again, it might feel like a giant waste of time because you haven’t decided if you want to continue in the relationship or not, which is where discernment counseling might come in handy. Any of these feelings or situations are common. Again, what is certain, is that if there’s chance of salvaging the relationship, or healing in the most efficient way possible, then you need to be in therapy.
Many people fall into one small problem: showing up to a counselor’s office isn’t an option right now, for whatever reason. Maybe you or your partner travel for work and are gone for most weeks out of the year. It could be possible you can only do late evenings or weekends and the office building is locked down at that time. Maybe you have children and it’s not possible to drive into the office or there is no one to come to the house to watch the kids. For the most common right now, maybe there is a global pandemic occurring and counselors are only seeing clients via telehealth. Whatever it may be, you can still do the work. You can still reap the benefits of in person therapy during this difficult time from the comfort of your own home/office/hotel/wherever.
What Should I Expect During Sessions in Person?
Well, this is a loaded question. First, we use the Gottman Method Couples Therapy at The Counseling Hub. This method in particular emphasizes assessment. Yes, at the first session you will be asked about what’s going on currently (also known as the presenting concern in therapist lingo), but you’ll also be asked about a lot of stuff that may not seem particularly relevant to the exact thing that brought you in. W hen a person (or individual) shows up, there will be a lot of information gathering to help your therapist know what is happening and how you and your partner got to where you are in your relationship. The Gottman method uses assessment as a map (their analogy which I love to use). The idea is that you can drive a car as fast as you want (i.e., start doing therapy the first session) but if you don’t know where you’re at (i.e., knowledge gained from assessment) it doesn’t matter how fast you drive. In other words, therapists want to know as much about the relationship as possible to know where the couple’s strengths and areas of improvement are. This helps our team to be the most effective and efficient counselors they can for you. Assessment is necessary. It’s also difficult when emotions are high. It might seem strange, but one very important thing to know is that explaining the why an affair happened is not one question your therapist will ask during the first few sessions. That question will be one that is discovered through therapy across time without blaming either partner.
Feedback (session three) is unique session. During this session your therapist will share what research has shown about not only couples who stay together, but couples who stay together and are happy and satisfied. Once you know about some of this, your relationship will be inspected to see where it lands in comparison. This gives direction and hope. Not only will you learn about healthy relationships, your counselor should give you information about affairs and infidelity, too. The Gottman’s use their own developed framework for working with affairs which they named the Atone-Attune-Attach method. This framework will be explained during the feedback session of assessment. It has three phases which will help heal the couple in a way that has evidence from research: it’s not just theory.
After meeting the first three sessions (together, individual, together) your therapy journey will begin to take on a new look. From feedback onward you will be guided by your therapist in using effective and helpful (not harmful) ways of communicating. Your sessions will go from talking to the counselor about what is and has been going on, to one where you talk to your partner. Which might be terrifying, but necessary. You will then be guided through expressing feelings about the infidelity. You will talk about big moments in the past. You will discuss what your needs are: past ones which were not fulfilled and current ones. You will live in transparency with your partner- which might be the first time for some of you. Couples therapy is not fun at times- it’s difficult and messy. I like to tell people that you may leave some sessions feeling like crap, and others where you feel on top of the world; especially when there has been an affair. If you choose to rebuild your relationship stronger and healthier, it’ll be worth the mess and work.
What to Expect With Online Counseling?
This is going to be the smallest section. Telehealth has been proven to be as effective as in person therapy. What does this mean? Telehealth works practically the same as in-person sessions. That is why this section is the smallest- it’s all the stuff from above! There do happen to be a few differences one might consider. One is that you don’t have a warm body in the room with you- aside from your partner. Some of you might feel that as a relief for many reasons (fear of judgement, worrying about catching COVID-19, etc.) While others might feel nervous for may reasons (what if my partner unleashes their anger on me?) The other difference is the logistical things- like using a computer and what room to have therapy in. Many questions you have about telehealth can be found on our telehealth faq page. Otherwise, you should expect the same level of care as an in-person session. If this didn’t happen to answer a question you might have, it’s also worth contacting us to get your question answered!
Help Can Be… Helpful!
If this is your reality right now, and you’re experiencing the unearthing of your relationship due to an affair or infidelity you will probably need assistance from a trained professional. Not saying you don’t have the capacities to do it on your own, seeing that most people are very resilient. What I am suggesting is that it doesn’t hurt to get some help from someone who has the knowledge and experience to guide you in the most efficient and caring way. Telehealth is a convenient and efficient way to receive help- even when there is not a pandemic going on. It has been shown to be as beneficial as in person therapy. If your relationship has been wounded from an affair or infidelity, seeking help in any platform- telehealth or in person- can help. Why not give it a try?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
How to Handle Someone Not Listening
Ever leave a conversation with your partner feeling not listened to? What about feeling defeated? Pissed? Misunderstood? If you have walked away from a conversation feeling like nothing you said mattered, that feels terrible! We all have been the one feeling defeated and the one who’s not showing off their good listening skills. Either way, there are some things you can do to improve the chances of being listened to. Keep in mind, that just because you’re choosing to try to be an effective communicator doesn’t mean that the other person will be a good listener. The goal here is to try to be as clear and intentional about your message in a specific way which will likely lead to being listened to. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to will be able to follow suit and both of you will feel heard, understood, and respected.
“I feel like I am not listened to and it hurts.”
Ever leave a conversation with your partner feeling not listened to? What about feeling defeated? Pissed? Misunderstood? If you have walked away from a conversation feeling like nothing you said mattered, that feels terrible! We all have been the one feeling defeated and the one who’s not showing off their good listening skills. Either way, there are some things you can do to improve the chances of being listened to. Keep in mind, that just because you’re choosing to try to be an effective communicator doesn’t mean that the other person will be a good listener. The goal here is to try to be as clear and intentional about your message in a specific way which will likely lead to being listened to. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to will be able to follow suit and both of you will feel heard, understood, and respected.
Prepare For The Conversation
When and Where?
One thing that is important to consider when you want to be listened to is context. I know from personal experience that it can be ridiculously hard to wait to talk about something when your blood is pumping, and that person has either hit a raw nerve or just plainly won’t listen to you. If your blood is pumping it might be best to wait and calm down first. Once you’ve calmed down and are ready to talk about the issue again considering time and setting are very important.
Telling your partner that you feel hurt by something they said or did is important in a healthy relationship versus fighting, but it may fall on deaf ears if the time and place are not appropriate for the conversation. For instance, pretend you’re pissed because your partner didn’t switch the laundry before bed and now it’s soured from being in the washer all night. Waking your partner up and expressing frustration you have for him or her might not go over so well. If you were to wait until they are up and alert, then it’s more likely your partner will hear what you’ve got to say.
A good rule of thumb is to think about how you would feel if whatever you want to talk about was presented to you. It’s also good to think about how your partner has responded in the past. If you know that they don’t like talking about serious things right before going to bed, then it might be best to have a talk mid- morning or early evening.
Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt.
I am going to challenge you, which you might find difficult but hopefully not. I challenge you to think that your partner does want to listen to you- even if it doesn’t feel like it. Going into a conversation with the mindset that your partner does want to listen to you can help you feel less like they’re the enemy and they want steady communication with you.
Think of it this way: if you have a red car- you see red cars everywhere. If you think your partner won’t listen, then you will be looking for signals that they don’t want to listen. The opposite is true too. If you think that they care to listen going in, then you will find evidence to support that. Another thing to keep in mind is that they have their own feelings and thoughts which needs to be expressed as well. Think about a time when you started a conversation wanting to be listened to and by the end you wound up in a fight. One reason is that both people are trying so desperately to be heard that each person begins to become louder and more fortified trying to be the first to get their point across. No understanding can come from two people digging their heels in deeper and deeper. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they do want to hear what you have to say and that they have thoughts and feelings too.
If you go into the conversation with the mindset that your partner doesn’t want to listen, or that they won’t, then you haven’t given them a fair chance.
Plan For It
So knowing when and where to have a conversation is one piece of a plan but there are some other things you can consider before having a discussion. These can include reflecting on what are the main things you want to be understood on? What happens if your partner rejects the time or place for discussion? What happens if the whole thing starts to go south and you wind up talking about unrelated things? I am not suggesting coming into a conversation with bullet points and no room for flexibility. I am suggesting that having a plan for what you want and encountering potential barriers to being understood can help increase the chances of you effectively communicating.
Being Realistic
Let’s be real. There are going to be many conversations that whatever is talked about isn’t necessarily going to be fixed. You may leave the conversation still feeling like the problem is there- so what’s the point? The point is that you were able to express yourself and (hopefully) both people will have more empathy for the other. This empathy leads to connection. Again, it’s also possible that no matter what you do to prepare, the talk can backfire. Be realistic about what you want and what you expect from your partner. Think about how you would respond if what you were saying were coming off the lips of your partner. Another thing to think about is that if you’ve got a thought or need, your partner probably does too. Once you’ve had your chance to express yourself fully, you will need to allow your partner the same respect. Your partner needs to be listened to just like you do so take turns. Lastly, reflect on if it’s important to be listened to first. If there isn’t a reason that you must speak first, you can let your partner talk first while you demonstrate good listening skills.
During the Conversation
As in most of my blogs, the methods suggested here are from the well-researched and established Gottman Method Couples Therapy. They deserve the credit for these beautiful techniques which have helped so many couples feel more understood!
First, the way you start a conversation is likely how it will end. If the conversation starts like, “You never do the dishes!” (a.k.a. criticism) then it’s not likely the other person will want to listen much further. Starting off with criticism, blaming, cursing, harsh tone, mockery, or loud volume quickly turns off listening and the person you want to listen to you so badly is likely fortifying their position. Being able to express what you want or need must be done so in a way that the other person doesn’t want to run away or counter attack. Words matter. You might notice that there are hot topics that you and your partner discuss which automatically make your body tense up. Just an utterance can provoke this response which can set your communication up for failure- so words matter.
Try beginning the conversation with talking about you. Keep the focus on how you’re feeling, what you’re needing, what you experienced rather than what your partner did. Think about the last time you were accused of something- what did it feel like? Most people would want to defend themselves, and the listener is not an exception. Even if you say it in a calm tone. If you use “you-statements” then often the listener feels accused, attacked, picked on, misunderstood, or something of that nature. The byproduct is that listening goes out the window. Using I-statements may sound like this, “I have a busy day today and am feeling frustrated that the clothes are in the washer still.” Again, just because you say it a certain way doesn’t mean it will be accepted, but the previous statement allows for much greater understanding than something like this: “You know I have a busy day and now I have more laundry to do. Now I am starting the day pissed off! Great!” Yeah, I prefer to hear the first example.
Another good thing to do during the conversation is to let your partner have a turn talking. They have needs and feelings regarding what you’re bringing to them and they need to be able to feel heard too. Once you are listener, try to suspend judgement. Try to listen to what they think and feel. It may seem odd that you are listening when you are the one that wants to be heard and understood, but if you can be a supportive listener, your partner will probably want to be one for you as well.
One last thing I suggest is telling your partner how good it feels when you feel listened to. If you had a conversation where you felt heard, then tell them! The two of you can make mental notes about what works and what doesn’t. Telling them how connected and positive you feel afterwards can deepen your bond and lead to further effective communicating.
Being listened to is a complicated thing. First, you must go into the conversation knowing what you want from it. You must also be prepared for it not to go exactly how you planned it to. Taking into consideration time and place is important to help raise the chances of feeling heard and understood. You must also try recognizing and being okay with the fact that your partner has an opinion, and that doesn’t mean that your thoughts and feelings are not true. Don’t forget that listening must take turns- you can lead listening by example. Going into the conversation with a positive mind about your partner, that they really do want to listen is helpful as well. Starting a conversation gently and avoiding critical or judgement is important because once a conversation starts, that is likely how it will end. Using I-feel statements (and avoiding you-statements) can help reduce the chance the listener feels attacked. If you’re able to feel heard, don’t forget to tell your partner!
About the Author
Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
When We Disagree On Parenting Styles
Let’s face it: kids are both wonderful and enlightening little humans. Their arrival into the world can bring chaos, crying, and sleepless nights; but also insight and perspective. They say that one of the most challenging stressors in a relationship is having a child. This may sound like a “well duh!” statement, but it’s easy to forget when its your own child.
Let’s face it: kids are both wonderful and enlightening little humans. Their arrival into the world can bring chaos, crying, and sleepless nights; but also insight and perspective. They say that one of the most challenging stressors in a relationship is having a child. This may sound like a “well duh!” statement, but it’s easy to forget when its your own child. You may have heard your parents say at one point in life, “you all don’t come with manuals!” (Which to be honest always used to make me laugh). There are a thousand, million, probably infinite, number of ways that we could approach the grand task of raising a child. To be completely honest, do any of us really know what to expect? Is there any way to tell what to expect? The sad truth is that, too much of life is out of our control to know for sure. Most of the time we go into it thinking back on our own childhood, and refer back to how we were raised ourselves. You may start to embody your parents, or completely avoid the idea of being like them.
Parenting is one of those values that is completely unique to the person. Your idea of parenting may not look identical to your best friend Nikki’s way of parenting. And that’s okay! It’s not necessarily the type of human you are that we’re looking at here. It’s more what type of decisions do you see fit when raising your child. How do you handle the big issues that may pop up? What if you and your partner are differing in parental decisions?
You may be thinking, “What do you mean my partner thinks differently than me? We are always on the same page!” And to that I say, right on! I assume that is the ideal outcome for raising and parenting children. However, this can be a huge point of conflict in marriages and relationships. This type of conflict is likely to come up in any relationship—whether you both agree or not. Children grow, situations change, and like we said before: it’s hard to know what to expect.
Why does agreeing matter?
So why is it important to agree on the decisions you make in raising your children with your partner? Well the first thing that comes to mind is the decision of discipline. How to work with behavior is such a controversial topic in relationships and families, and there’s solid reason for it! As said before, we are all raised with our own point of view. We all experience things differently. So we are bound to take a little bit of that perspective with us when moving forward into our own families.
Let’s say that your child gets a call from the school principle explaining they had a physical fight with a friend at school. They explain, I only hit them because they hit me first. One parent may immediately think, “hitting is never okay you should use your words instead” while the other parent may be thinking, “you did the right thing and defended yourself.” These situations can be tricky! What we all believe is right and wrong is slightly different (or extremely different). But ultimately, it can be confusing for kids when they don’t fully have a sense of what is going on. Children are so in tune with their environment and can feel when parents aren’t in sync. They thrive on feeling safe and steady in their environment. If they can tell the parental ground is shaky, they may start to act out on it. How often do we hear about children playing one parent against the other, or taking advantage of the unsteady ground to get what they want? All. Of. The. Time. The little geniuses have all of us adults figured out!
What do we do?
So how do we work on this in our relationship or marriage? If you’re trying to get on board with your partner, and stop arguing about how to raise your children, there are a couple of things that you can do to settle down the conflict and start working together.
Compromise
I know, I know, this might just sound downright impossible. When we believe about something so strongly, like raising children, it can be difficult to see anyone else’s view. Especially our partner’s! Sometimes the last person we want to listen to can be right in front of us. But the more you can meet in the middle, the more you can both feel validated and heard in the process of raising your kiddo. Trying to break down each side and “win” will only leave one of you feeling resentful and hurt that they weren’t taken into consideration. Take a little bit of each person’s view, and try to incorporate it into a whole. For example, lets say your child comes up to you and asks if they can go climb the tree in the front yard, and you both are complete opposites on this decision. One of you may think that climbing trees alone is extremely dangerous and not safe, and the other may think it’s beneficial for a child’s youth experience. It may be an idea to have the children only try climbing when a parent can climb with them, or stand directly below. That way, the child feels heard in their request, and you both can get a sense of what you need out of your own feelings of the issue.
Support One Another
To the best of your ability, make it an effort to back up your partner. This is one of the most important, and I can imagine most frustrating, concepts of the whole situation. If your child can see that you are not a team, they will try to get around parenting decisions that you make. The most important thing to avoid is pulling your child into the middle of a disagreement. When we are focused on trying to get our point across with our partner, we aren’t focusing on the real point of the situation. Which is, “what is best for our child right now?” Even if you don’t agree, take the time to back up your partner in front of the children, and try to rework a different approach for next time in private.
Share Your Views & Values
Communicate your views with your partner ahead of time (if possible). This may not be a feasible task, because most of the time we realize our view when it is in context. You may not be thinking about how you are going to handle an important issue like bullying when you have a toddler. There are going to be other tasks at hand that are more of a priority. But if you can constantly be asking yourself, AS A TEAM, “how would we handle this situation?” it could be a solid start to a great foundation in parenting together. There isn’t going to be the chance to do this with every issue or situation that pops up. It’s really about taking the time to calm down, refocus, and reflect on what you may want out of your parenting experience together. Collaboration is key—not only with each other, but with your child as well. Let them know what is going on and what you are deciding. If they ask why a certain boundary or rule is in place, make sure you and your partner both have the secure understanding of each other to clearly explain the reasoning to your child. If the concern seems too large, or you both aren’t sure what to do, individual counseling for your child could be a great option!
Give the Benefit of the Doubt!
Parenting is exhausting, y’all! While it can be a time of heated discussions, conflict, and disagreeing—it can also be a time of empathy and understanding! Take the time to understand why your partner sees things the way they do. What got them to this point? What have they experienced that impacted their views? How can their parenting style bring a new dynamic to yours? A lot of the time, our disagreements come from a lack of understanding. Meet your partner where they are at and have the vulnerable talks. This can boost confidence and improve the quality of your relationship. Challenge each other to be better parental (and general) versions of yourself. Listening can go a long. As well as being curious about what being a parent means to your partner.
It’s not easy, and we know that.
While this is not the end all be all list of agreeing with your partner on parental decisions, it could be a start! I encourage everyone to check-in with your partner about where they stand in these topics, and how it plays into your family’s style. Even if you are not planning on, or do not have, children—take the time to reflect on how you may feel about these issues. How do you see yourself as a parent? How would you handle conflict within a relationship regarding parenting style? What values do you see coming into play when parenting? These may be difficult to think about if they are not relevant in your life right now, and probably will change! But taking the time to get to know yourself is valuable in any sense, especially when entering a relationship or starting a family.
MEET THE AUTHOR | EMILY LIND
COUNSELING INTERN
Emily is currently in her final year of the Master of Education in Counseling at Stephens College, here in Columbia. She is active in the student led Stephens Counseling Association, and is also a part of the American Counseling Association (ACA). Prior to graduate school, Emily received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at the University of Missouri (Columbia). Emily enjoys working with both adolescents and adults as they process their growth through counseling. She collaborates best with individuals looking to embrace their true identity, find their inner confidence, recognize innate strengths, and find a way to effectively cope with transitions, depression, and anxiety. Emily is eager to experience and train for working with couples and families, a scope of her practice that will have a clear advantage based on her early childhood education experience.
How to Deepen Love
Time for the big question. How do you deepen love?
Maybe you’ve been in that new love which is full of passion and excitement, and now it’s settling down to the more dependable (and dare I say mundane) type of relationship. Maybe you’ve been married for 15-years and you love your partner, but you also feel lonely and wish for a stronger connection. Maybe you’ve never felt a deep type of love and wonder how others manage to feel that way. No matter what…
How to deepen love
Valuing full disclosure, I admit I’m biased when conceptualizing love. Almost all of the training I’ve had dealing with couples and relationship work has been through the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. But hey, what’s better for people who are seeking help (especially mental health, which is constantly under the microscope to determine its validity) than a research-based approach such as the Gottman Method? Most of what you’ll read will be suggestions from this method.
Now time for the big question.
How do you deepen love?
Maybe you’ve been in that new love which is full of passion and excitement, and now it’s settling down to the more dependable (and dare I say mundane) type of relationship. Maybe you’ve been married for 15-years and you love your partner, but you also feel lonely and wish for a stronger connection. Maybe you’ve never felt a deep type of love and wonder how others manage to feel that way.
No matter what your circumstances are there’s one thing you should know. You can just-about-always deepen your love for your partner. There are exceptions, but they are just that - exceptions and not the norm. Those exceptions might be better suited for couples therapy or marriage counseling (you can also email us with questions about that, if you’re concerned or unsure).
The secret to deep love is building a solid friendship system.
If you’ve ever met a couple that have been together for a long time and report high levels of relationship satisfaction, you’ll likely hear the two of them saying that their partner is not just their lover, but their best friend. This couple has a strong friendship system, which lays the groundwork for a fortified romantic relationship.
Which, obviously, segues into the questions of how you sustain a strong friendship with your partner. Perfect. Let’s keep going.
Making Time for Each Other
Making time for each other is very important.
I repeat. Making time for each other is very important.
Think about your best childhood friend growing up. You probably remember spending a lot of hours just being around each other! Doing fun activities, talking about your goals and life dreams, and sitting around watching TV. Simple things, right?
And making time for each other may be difficult given that we’re adults with life stressors. I get it. I’m a mom, aunt, wife, sister, daughter, student, friend, and employee. I so get it.
There’s a lot we have to balance on any given day. However, when it comes to our relationships, if we want them to last, the truth remains the same. We must make time for our partner.
Something the Gottman research found is that couples who devote at least five hours a week on their relationship are happier with their relationship than all the rest.
I know what you’re thinking. FIVE HOURS?! That’s so much time!! But the reality is that you’ve got 168 hours in a week, and if you’re getting eight hours of sleep per night and working 50 hours per week, you’ve still got 62 hours left to dole out.
The solution is the Magic Five Hours (thanks, Gottmans!).
The Magic Five Hours are suggestions for small changes in your daily routine of working on your relationship which add up to five hours over a week. These five hours enhance emotional connection leading to deeper love.
Have a morning parting. When you and your partner say goodbye before leaving for the day, take two minutes to discuss what each of you must do during that day. This isn’t a contest to see who has a crazier day, but rather a way to show general interest and learn something about your partner and their experience. Spending these two minutes five days a week can lead to 10 minutes a week counting towards your magic five hours.
Have a daily reunion. When both of you are home, spend 20 minutes debriefing about your day. Again, this is not a contest, but rather the couple should approach this discussion with genuine curiosity. Talk about what went right, what went wrong, and then switch and listen. You may be surprised with what you learn about your partner. If your partner discusses how horrible their day went, providing some empathy (whether or not you agree with the bosses decision to write them up) will make your partner feel like you have their back leading to deeper intimacy.
A word of wisdom… sometimes this is hard to do right when the two of you are walking in the door, when you, your partner, and your kids are all coming home at the same time and wanting to talk about the day. If you do wait a little bit to have this discussion, do it as soon as you can! Remember this is a reunion discussion! This should be a pleasurable experience and so if immediately after walking in the door feels overwhelming- schedule it for an hour after being home. Just be sure to acknowledge your partner when they get home. Spending 20 minutes discussing how your days went once your partner gets home counts towards one hour and forty minutes towards your five hours.Share appreciation!!
Appreciation is something that we also might give a lot to our friends but not necessarily our partners. We may think that we shouldn’t have to show appreciation (or even notice it for that matter) for things that must be done for daily functioning. Moreover, too often we might feel that we are taken for granted and therefore don’t even want to express appreciation for our partner.
As terrible as it may sound to say out loud, we think that we are not appreciated and so we don’t express our appreciation for our partner.
Spending five minutes a day, seven days a week to express one appreciation will enhance your relationship. Appreciation doesn’t have to be a monumental task that your partner did that day- it can be something like saying “Thanks for not giving me attitude when I asked you to take the trash out” or “I appreciate that you went to work today.” The bigger stuff is nice too, but even the small things are good to appreciate. Spending five minutes every day of the week adds up to 35 minutes a week towards your five hours.Give affection!
Simple, really. Just share affection five minutes per day for seven days a week. Maybe you do this already, or maybe you only have five minutes of affection once a month. Either way, adding affection into your daily routine with your partner is important for deepening love.
Affection may look like being playful, holding hands, kissing, giving a back rub, or any time of physical appreciation for your partner. Think of how nice it would be to get a back rub from your partner after a long day! It not only makes you feel more relaxed, it creates stronger connection for your relationship. If you add five minutes a day it adds 35 minutes to your magic five hours.Go on a date.
Personally, here is the real overwhelming task: date time. What makes this much easier is that date time doesn’t have to be going out of the house it is just alone time for you and your partner without interruptions. The recommended dose is two hours per week. This can be chopped up into different time frames, but I prefer to be a solid chuck.
Volia! If you were able to do these suggestions, you’ve hit your five-hour quota for the week. It may feel exhausting at first, but the reward of a happier and healthier relationship (and feeling more connected to your partner) will make it fun pretty quickly.
A tip from the therapist for couples who are not doing any of these types of things currently, diving right into the five hours may feel overwhelming especially if you are currently emotionally distant. You may want to start with one or two things to try and add another suggestion each week until you are able to hit the five-hour mark.
Aside from the Magic Five Hours, I’ve included even more tips below for strengthening the friendship system in your relationship in order to deepen your love.
Updating Love Maps
Love maps are byproducts of spending time with you partner. Love maps are knowing the facts about your partner. It’s knowing who their favorite relative is, what they wanted to be when they grew up, where they want to retire, and what their most embarrassing moment is.
Love maps are having the space in your brain for your partner and feeling like they have space for you too. This is important as it makes your partner feel like they are known and matter to you and vice versa.
When we enter a relationship, we often learn these things about our partners, however, as time proceeds love maps can become outdated. Although our favorite relative may be the same, we may have had a new most embarrassing moment that we have not shared with our partner. This may seem like a small piece in the grand scheme of love, but updating your love maps leads to a stronger friendship system, which in turn leads to deeper love.
Building up Fondness and Admiration
Sharing fondness and admiration is the idea that you respect, well like, value, cherish, and are generally fond of your partner. Showing appreciation is one way to build fondness and admiration.
Another is being kind to your partner. Showing them the same level of respect and grace you would show your best friend.
For example, if your partner had a bad week and didn’t do anything to help around the house, you may think to yourself (or say to them) that they are being lazy and unhelpful. If it were your best friend who had a bad week you may think to yourself what can I do to help cheer them up? Being kind, gentle, showing empathy and appreciation are all ways to build fondness and admiration.
Turing Towards your Partner Instead of Away
This is a hard one. The basic idea here is that when we want to reach out to our partner, they will be there. This means that when we “turn towards” our partner, we’re not ignored.
We all have had moments when our partner may say something that we don’t really respond to. Things that they say which can irritate us or doesn’t feel worth our time to respond to.
Respond to it, anyway. That’s the long and short of turning towards.
When you’re not responding to your partner when they reach out (even if it feels silly) they’re feeling uncared for. It may not show immediately that they aren’t feeling cared for, but a lot of emotional distancing can occur when one person attempts to connect and the other turns away by ignoring. Being there for your partner when they want to talk creates a feeling of safety- that you’ll be there for them when the big stuff comes around because you’re there for the small day-to-day stuff.
The main takeaways from this post?
Enhancing the friendship system of your relationship is very important to deepening love.
Treating your partner the same way you would treat your best friend will allow intimacy to grow.
Spending at least five hours with your partner each week, updating love maps, building fondness and admiration, and turning towards instead of away improve your friendship system.
No matter what your current friendship system with your partner looks like, you can improve it!
One last and important thing to remember is that friendship doesn’t happen overnight. Friendship takes time, hard work, and dedication, but you and your partner are worth it. Integrating these suggestions into your relationship, no matter what the status of friendship and love, will help deepen love and keep your relationship happy and healthy.
And the very last thing is that if you’re unsure whether this is enough for you and your partner(s), you might either read up on the couples therapy and marriage counseling we offer (we specialize in conflict, infidelity, and communication). And if you’re just here before your session and wanting some additional information before you come in? We’ve got you covered with an overview of the first few sessions for couples work (couples counseling 101). Reach out if you have any questions!
About the Author
Molly Lyons | Couples & Individual Counseling Intern
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and couples, and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a counseling intern at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings and completed additional training on LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
What is Premarital Counseling Like?
Premarital counseling is one of the many services offered by our team at The Counseling Hub! As you may know, we specialize in individual counseling and couples therapy or marriage counseling. Premarital work definitely falls under the couples therapy or marriage counseling umbrella, but it’s slightly unique than other types of couples work that we do, and here’s why.
Premarital counseling is one of the many services offered by our team at The Counseling Hub! As you may know, we specialize in individual counseling and couples therapy or marriage counseling. Premarital work definitely falls under the couples therapy or marriage counseling umbrella, but it’s slightly unique than other types of couples work that we do, and here’s why.
First of all, when people are seeking out premarital counseling, it’s usually assumed that they don’t have a significantly pressing issues with regard to conflict, affair, or communication. People often seek premarital counseling because, well, they’re getting married. With that said, it frequently does happen that people come in for premarital counseling and end up doing a little bit more than just to premarital work.
Premarital counseling is usually done with a variety of assessments and a pretty structured format. You and your beloved would complete some assessments and then you would go through said assessments with your counselor to see where the two of you differ and overlap. The assessments aren’t designed to be a measure of your relationship health, and they are not designed to predict weather your relationship will succeed or fail (we offer Gottman therapy for that!). The purpose of the premarital assessments are, quite literally, to see where you overlap and differ with your partner on a variety of topics, including but not limited to finances, sex, communication styles, personality traits, kids, and a host more.
It is important that you have some understanding and conversation about these topics with your partner prior to getting married. We see plenty of people for couples counseling down the road who didn’t get clear with one another on basic differences about really important things. The things aren’t important because of anything inherent about the topic - the things are important because they show up so consistently in relationships that we need to make sure that we at least understand where our partner is coming from. So while we would say that talking about these topics doesn’t reduce you’re potential for future problems, it does allow you both to learn how to discuss things you’ll agree and disagree on (the latter being way more important). In other words, it can help you learn to argue effectively with your partner. Ha! Sounds funny, but we’re being serious.
I would also throw in that we are probably a fantastic fit for premarital counseling because not only do we assess those different topic areas, but we are especially skilled at helping people learn how to communicate in ways that are healthy and effective and increase people’s understanding of their partner, as well as increase respect and compassion for their partner. Doing these things from the outset will absolutely set you up for success down the road.
Another bonus to our premarital work is that it’s for both secular and religious counselors. Lots of folks will go through their church (if their religious), which we completely understand, but there are a subset of people who aren’t very religious, but also want premarital counseling. You are for sure in the right place, if that’s you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Counseling in Columbia, Mo
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
PFLAG: The Parent's Process
Wow. This is hard. Or maybe it’s not. But, it’s probably hard. If your child has recently come out as identifying on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, you might have said this is hard to yourself. Although we desire our children to grow up and live the way that feels right for them, we also create certain aspirations for them.
Parents experience it, too.
Wow. This is hard. Or maybe it’s not. But, it’s probably hard. If your child has recently come out as identifying on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, you might have said this is hard to yourself. Although we desire our children to grow up and live the way that feels right for them, we also create certain aspirations for them. These aspirations may not align with the LGBTQ+ community and hurl you into unexpected territory. Processing that your child might not fulfil your dreams or expectations of growing up “normal” (not saying LGBTQ+ individuals are not normal) might be hard. It may feel like a grieving process or just a minor bump in the road. But, no matter what, you love your child and want them to be happy above all else.
Now you’re trying to figure out what to do next. What do you say when they do come out? Who should you tell? Who can you talk to when you don’t want to share your possibly judgmental questions or statements with? There are some basics that you should know about. Age is just a number, so this can happen whether they are five or fifty.
Be careful of rejecting
Even if your child is an extremely rational person, they may have the fear that you’ll reject them. The best thing that you can do is simply remind them that your love for them is stronger than whatever feelings you have about their gender or sexuality.
Suicide risk and depression for those identifying with the LGBTQ+ population have extremely high numbers as compared to the general population. LGBTQ+ identifying youth often are rejected from families and they have the highest homeless population of any other homeless youth across America. What this means is that for many youth coming out to their families- whether they are supportive families or not- they fear that a major part of who they are as a person will be rejected by the people that love them most. They may even fear for their safety.
Rejection can have many forms from outright being “kicked out”, telling your child that you don’t support them, or telling them not to tell certain people that they are LGBTQ+. Your child may suffer rejection from others in their life such. This cause all sorts of anxiety for the child. They need your support.
Be aware of “outing” your child
The coming out process is hard enough when one person (your child) must do it. Now, they have to worry about being “outed” by others they have told. This includes you. When a person first comes out, they have a heightened sense of awareness of who knows and who doesn’t know.
The best thing for you to do is talk about who you can tell or talk to and who you shouldn’t. For many youth, being outed can have disastrous effects such as being rejected from friends, the church they may attend, or being rejected by some family members.
On a more practical level, discussing sexual or gender identity is not something most people talk to acquaintances about. Think about it: most heterosexual cis-gender (people whose birth sex aligns with their identified sex) people don’t go “Hey co-worker Tom who works downstairs, I need you to know that I am sexually attracted to the opposite sex.” Although this sentence is absolutely ridiculous, many parents do share their child’s personal information in seemingly harmless ways.
These harmless ways could look like parents gathering before a soccer game and Martha’s mom says she’s going with Tim to Homecoming. You, as the parent of a child who identifies as LGBTQ might say, Oh, Annie is going with Tina and they are getting matching dresses! Since soccer is recreational and people can go to any school, maybe Annie was “out” at school but not at soccer.
Parents don’t need to disclose their child’s sexual or gender identity to people who don’t need to know. You wouldn’t want your sexual fantasies shared with everyone you know to be judged. Before you tell anyone (after gaining consent from your child) it would be good to ask yourself what will my child benefit from if this person knows who they are sexually attracted to (identify as…)? Again, it’s ultimately up to the person you’re talking about to out their gender and sexual orientations. If you feel the need to tell others, it’s shows that you respect your child when you ask if it’s okay to tell others. Every parent wants what’s best for their child but not everyone will agree on what’s best. You may be proud and think that it’s best to share their identity with the world; however, the child has to live with the consequences most intimately. Permission is important.
What if you are not ready to tell others?
On one hand you may want to share you perfect child with the world, but on the other hand, you may need time to process it yourself. Eventually, you want all your friends to know, but you’re still trying to figure out what this means for both your child and you. If your child’s telling people and you aren’t ready, you need to talk to them about. Unfortunately, being a sexual minority (which identifying as LGBTQ+ is a sexual minority) can be a difficult pill to swallow for others. Even more, you may not be yet equipped with what to say when people begin asking questions. What would you say if a person came up to you and said, “Ya know, I always had this feeling he was gay” or “What does he mean he wants to be a girl? Could he just be gay?” You may not even know what appropriate responses are to these questions or statements. What people will find is that people are very curious about others’ circumstances and LGBTQ+ identities. People want to understand sexual minorities and say things that they think are harmless in an effort to gain awareness and knowledge or to prove they’re not any type of phobic against sexual minorities. If you aren’t prepared for answering questions or telling others, you may want to speak with your child about this. Keep in mind, it’s important to let your child know that keeping it to yourselves right now is not a forever thing. Making your child feel like it’s a secret that they identify on the LGBTQ+ spectrum may feel like rejection. This can cause even more difficulty with owning their sexual identity. Framing the situation so that the parent has time to think about what they will say or do (just as your child contemplated telling you for a while) will allow the child and parent to both feel respected.
Who should you talk to?
It’s probably not appropriate to talk to your child about your uncertainties regarding their LGBTQ+ identity. This could be interpreted as a form of rejection. Who can you talk to? Maybe your child said they weren’t ready for you to tell your friends or maybe you aren’t ready.
Either way, you may need a space to process or gain knowledge. A great resource for parents is the Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays- also known as PFLAG. Although the name represents only two identities, the foundation has expanded to include all identities on the spectrum. The foundation was established to help support those who are directly involved with LGBTQ+ individuals like you. A word of caution is that you can still accidently “out” your child by becoming involved with local parents. If your child says that they don’t want you saying their name, then it’s best to give them that privacy even if it’s in an accepting place such as PFLAG. Finding a place that is accepting to discuss your thoughts and ask questions may help you along your journey of acceptance and understanding of your child.
Be Patient
When your child comes out to you, it may be a very emotionally charged situation. This can cause all sorts of feelings within you as well. You may or may not have expected this conversation, but either way, there’s an adjustment period. Finding a counselor to assist in the adjustment period can be seen as a positive step. You may not know exactly what all of this means or what to say but you need to convey the message that you love them as your child above all else- whether you agree with their decision or not. Your child and you need to talk about who the both of you can tell now, and who should be told at a later date. You child probably spent a lot of time preparing for this conversation and feared being rejected or misunderstood. Just the same, you are also going to need time to process their outing. Talking to others who are in a similar situation, such as the parents at PFLAG will help you make meaning of your child’s identity. Something important to point out is that your child told you. They felt safe enough to be their true self with you. They trust you. That is love.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons- Intern
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
Demystifying the Process: What to Do With Bad Therapy
It might be shocking to read (and hard to admit), but there are some therapists that won’t be a good fit for you or the right counselor for what you need. There might even be some therapist who you think do “bad therapy!”
Sooo….
You decided that you were going to do it. You were going to go out on a limb and try this therapy thing that everyone has been saying is so great. It might be a little strange during the first session with your therapist taking an active lead and asking what seem like random questions. But this is normal, right? Well, mostly, yes.
But what if it wasn’t? How would you know that your session was bad?
It might be shocking to read (and hard to admit), but there are some therapists that won’t be a good fit for you or the right counselor for what you need. There might even be some therapist who you think do “bad therapy!”
(*cue the audience’s gasps of outrage and terror*)
What exactly is “bad therapy”?
In order to know what to do about bad therapy, you must first recognize what it is. Realizing that you’re having bad therapy can be obvious, as in your counselor tells you what you should or should not do; or it can be as subtle, as in you continuously leaving the office feeling kind of icky and like you were judged. Occasionally leaving worse than when you came is sort of standard (i.e. some sessions are hard and leave you with more questions), but you should never feel judged by your therapist and you should not consistently be leaving feeling worse.
Recognizing that you’re not getting the most out of your session might be a horrible feeling. We know how hard it was to seek help and that it can be humiliating and defeating to get your hopes up for some good therapy and then have it turn out poorly.
How else might you recognize “bad therapy,” you ask? Easy. Here are some ways to recognize if you’re having bad therapy.
1. Your therapist told you how you should feel about your situation. You are in control of how you feel. Your therapist shouldn’t tell you how to feel about a situation. Instead, they should ask you to go “deeper” in that emotion. In other words, allow you to have that emotion and explore why it’s there. If your therapist is telling you how to feel, then you may be experiencing bad therapy.
Therapist: “No, you shouldn’t feel bad! You tried your best/you were right/maybe they didn’t mean what they said?” <- WRONG
2. You may be having bad therapy if your therapist is not listening to what you have to say. This may look like your therapist interrupting you when you speak, or it may take the form of the therapist being totally off base over and over. Not feeling heard is a terrible feeling and therapists are trained to be good listeners. Also, you may not be feeling heard if you are leaving session feeling like you were misunderstood, frustrated, or shamed.
You: Talking about your dog suddenly dying in the past week.
Therapist: “Well, at least you have a cat, still!” Or, “I’m sure your dog wouldn’t want you to be upset. Why don’t we go back to talking about why you came in for counseling in the first place?”
You came into therapy (hopefully) to explore your life and become a better you. I don’t know about you, but I would not be able to focus on myself if I just lost my cat or dog. Instead, your therapist should let you explore why you’re sad and how much your pet means to you.
3. You may be having bad therapy if your therapist is telling you what you should do. Giving advice is not your therapist’s job. Their job is to listen, build a relationship with you, help you understand yourself and your situation enough so that you can figure out the perfect decision (or options) for you, and then support you in deciding what do to. As we have said before, your therapist is not your friend who says whatever they feel like.
Therapist: “You should just break up with him. He sounds like a douchebag.” #IfIHadEightEyesTheyWouldAllBeRolling
4. You leave more often than not thinking to yourself, “What did I get out of this?” If you feel like you get nowhere in your sessions, you may be having a case of bad therapitis. Now, you may not feel like you have made enormous amounts of progress in every session, but you shouldn’t feel like you wasted your time on a consistent basis. Your time in therapy should be reflective and thought provoking (more often than not).
Therapist: “We really covered a lot of ground, Stanley the Manley! Same time next week, chump – I mean, champ?!”
You: “Uh, sure.” (thinking in your head: “What ground did we cover?!”)
5. You feel really distant and disconnected from your therapist after more than a handful of sessions. If you’ve been seeing your therapist for a month or so and you still don’t feel connected to your therapist, you’re probably having bad therapy. Again, therapists are trained to build rapport. Sometimes, we’re just not the right fit (and now I bet you’re wondering how to tell if a therapist is a good fit), but other times, if you feel uncomfortable, distant, or disconnected, you might be having bad therapy.
When do these situations happen?
Keep in mind that any of these situations can happen at any point of the therapy process. But if any of these situations are happening to you consistently, we’re sorry. That really stinks. We love good therapy and do our best to make sure that we’re doing the best we can, but we also recognize that some counselor-client fits are better than others.
What do I do when it does go bad?
Therapy can be the most enlightening and empowering experience you’ve ever known, but it can also be a flop. Before you completely give up hope on your therapist, there are some things you can do to try and improve the relationship without quitting cold turkey (although there are times when quitting cold turkey is the right move).
Reflect
It might be helpful to set aside some time to think about what went wrong. Reflect on questions or feelings you had during and after the session. Were you not feeling heard? Was your therapist not interesting? Did they remind you of someone you didn’t like? Were they too pushy? Many things can lead to an unpleasant experience, unfortunately. It’s important to understand why you didn’t have a good experience. If you understand what went wrong, then maybe you and your therapist can do something to fix it.
Ask questions
If you are new to therapy (or returning from taking a break) then you may have many questions. It may feel like the way your therapist interacts with you is indifferent or strange. It maybe helpful to ask questions about the therapy process. Clarifying what is happening and the purpose may make the process feel less anxiety provoking and strange. It may normalize your experience and realign your expectations. Some questions could include what is the purpose of your (therapist) questions? Why are we not talking about what I want to talk about in the intake? Is it wrong to joke during session?
Give it some time
Give therapy three sessions (at least) before you make a decision to stop or continue. Therapy’s foundation is built upon a relationship. Although the therapeutic relationship is unlike any other relationship, there is one common thing between the therapeutic relationship and all others: time for the relationship to develop. Allowing your therapist time to get to know you will also allow the relationship to deepen. Maybe the feeling of dissatisfaction is because your and your therapist have not had enough time to get to know each other. Also, therapy is not an over-night process. Sometimes we want things fixed right away (I mean all the time!) but it may take a while for you to see or feel the results. Hang with it, it will work.
Allow for mistakes
Your therapist attempts to understand you and your whole life in a matter of an hour each time you see them. There are bound to be misunderstandings and mistakes. Therapists are human and make mistakes too. If your therapist makes a mistake, give them the chance to apologize. If they are unaware of a mistake they made, then you may have to let them know. Mistakes occur in all relationships including the therapeutic one. When you clarify the mistake, this allows your therapist to know you want to keep working! It also gives you the chance to feel better about working with your therapist.
Negotiate the relationship
Sometimes therapy is not what you expected. When you enter therapy it’s for you- not what the therapist wants. If your therapist is not structuring the therapy sessions the way that feels most beneficial, you may want to negotiate how to spend the time. For instance, if your therapist spends a lot of time talking about how you felt as a child and you think that the here-and-now is more important. You may need to tell them that your childhood experiences don’t feel so important and you would like to spend the time talking about what is happening right now. Again, the therapy is for you. You are putting in the hard work and no one knows you better than you.
Talk to your therapist.
One common factor in all these hints is that you have to talk to your therapist. Talking to your therapist sounds obvious, right? But it can be very uncomfortable to say that you are not happy with their service. Therapy is supposed to be a time where you can be completely open and honest with yourself. It’s hard to be open and honest if you are uncomfortable with the other person in the room. There may be many barriers as to why you don’t want to talk to your therapist about your bad experience. Maybe you want them to like you. Maybe you are worried they will be angry at you. Perhaps you think that they should already know. You may not even be able to say what it is that is dissatisfying about the encounters. Whatever it is, you need to communicate that with your therapist. The reality is, although your therapist may feel like a mind-reader at times, they can’t read your mind. If your therapist is unaware that you’re not getting the most of your session, they can’t help you fix it. Tell your therapist that you need to check in with them to let them know how therapy is going.
Time to find something different
If you have taken these steps and you are still not feelin’ it, it may be time to find something different. Ask your therapist for a referral. Different clinicians are trained differently. Not only are different clinicians trained differently, there are hundreds of different theoretical orientations clinicians can choose to operate from. It is good to keep in mind that just because one therapist does therapy one way doesn’t mean that all therapy will be the same. What is important for you to do when trying to work with someone else is tell your new therapist what you did and didn’t like about your last therapist. This will let your new therapist know how they can best help you.
In summary, there are many things you can do if your therapy sessions are not going how you’d hoped. Spending time reflecting and talking to your therapist are going to be the most helpful. As in any relationship, time and forgiveness of mistakes are needed in order to build a solid foundation. If you and your therapist have tried these suggestions, then maybe it’s time to consider terminating the sessions. But don’t stop there! Ask your therapist for referrals. Not all therapy will look or sound the same. You are worth continuing your road to self-healing.
about the author
Molly Lyons- Intern
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.