How To Celebrate Pride Month

You may have seen the flags and Facebook profile filters indicating it’s pride month but you maybe asking yourself what do people do during this month. Pride month is in June every year and it celebrates all those who identify as gender or sexual minorities- also known as the LGBTQ+ community. This began as just a Gay Pride Day for many cities beginning in 1969 to commemorate the Stonewall riots in Manhattan (Library of Congress, 2019). The month is dedicated to celebrate the struggles and successes of those who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community and is filled with parties, parades, and community events. You might be asking yourself what a person celebrates for a whole month and I would be happy to answer that! Pride month is not just a month of getting wild and showing off your colors, it’s also a time to reflect on diversity and it’s implications. A time to be thankful that all love and expression is okay. It’s a time to enjoy what makes each of us unique. One great way to celebrate Pride month is to become an ally.

Become An Ally

So, many of you may think that all this stuff is great and all, but you might not identify as part of the LBGTQ+ community. You may want to wish everyone all the happiness in the world but don’t know what to do from there. One thing that you can do is become an ally. An ally is an individual who doesn’t identify as a gender or sexual minority but shows support for equal rights and fair treatment.

Becoming an ally doesn’t have to be an official act- like signing up on a website or registry. It can be as simple as telling others that you are one. The main point of being an ally is to show support, and support can be as vibrant as participating in parades or walks, voting and lobbying, petitioning, seeking out support groups like the Gay-Straight-Alliance, or pushing for more accepting work practices. It could also look like having a rainbow sticker on your car, talking about LGBTQ+ issues with friends, or wearing a button that says ally. Any of these show your support for the community as an ally. We frequently mention being allies at The Counseling Hub, participate in PrideFest in Columbia, offer sexual identity counseling, and enjoy educating on this month!

Why Is Being An Ally So Important?

I will make an assumption here that everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are and becoming an ally signals to the LGBTQ+ individuals in your life that you’re accepting them for who they are. Here are some scary statistics:

·      In 2012 the National Coalition for the Homeless and The Williams Institute at UCLA found that 40% of the youth being served in homeless shelters identified as LGBTQ+.

·      2010 American Progress Organization reported that LGB youth are 4 to 6 times as likely to attempt suicide. This creates a 30% suicide rate for LGB teens (2018)

·      2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey indicated that 41% of trans teens have attempted suicide.

These statistics indicate that individuals of the LGBTQ+ community are in need of people to support them. It’s not unheard of for individuals who identify as a gender or sexual minority to have family members who reject them which can lead to tremendous amounts of mental health, financial, and safety issues. Becoming an ally will signal that you’re a safe person that generally cares about others well being despite their identity.

Thinking About Writing Prompts

Being a counselor, I believe in the power of self-reflection. Spending time thinking deeply about something can be cathartic and peaceful. One way you can celebrate all month (or year) long is by reflecting through writing. Here are some writing prompts to help you maintain mindfulness of support and awareness. There are enough to respond to two a week.

·      When did you first hear about gender and sexual minorities (i.e., Lesbian, Gay, Trans, ect)?

·      What were your thoughts and feelings after learning that someone you knew identified as a gender or sexual minority?

·      What are your thoughts and feelings when someone has been treated unfairly?

·      When was a time you were treated unfairly?

·      What does it mean to have Pride in something?

·      Describe a time when you faced adversity?

·      Reflect on how your gender affects your life.

·      Reflect on how your sexual orientation affects your life.

·      What is your comfortability discussing your sexual orientation/gender? Are there any times you feel uncomfortable?

·      Imagine and write about a day if you were a different gender or had a different sexual orientation.

Let’s Party!

Everyone likes to have a good time (again, I am making an assumption). With that said, Pride month is a celebration and therefore there are lots of parties, parades, and get togethers. In most major cities, you’re going to be able to Google and find at least one parade full of rainbows, sparkles, and smiles. For instance, downtown Columbia hosts an annual Mid-MO Pride Fest which is often one Saturday during Pride month. In fact, you may have seen us there before handing out swag and raffling gift baskets! In the larger cities, like St. Louis and Kansas City, they also have annual Pridefests one weekend a month. You can also go bigger! New York has the largest Pride celebration in the United States which spans the entire month of June. If you want to experience Pride, going to a parade and celebrating LGBTQ+ struggles and contributions to society is one very fun way to do it. You will be immersed in a world that you may have no experience in, but it will be awesome!

Join a Group

            There are many different groups that show support to the LGBTQ+ community. Groups allow bridges between ally’s and the LGBTQ+ community. Some groups do community outreach, lobbying, or have regular meetings. During meetings education may be given to the friends and family of those who identify as LGBTQ+, dialogue about changes in policies, and feedback about what is going on in the organization or community is discussed. One group you can join is the Gay-Straight-Alliance (GSA) which often occurs at organizational levels (at schools, for example). These groups can be located using the GSA network website. There may also be unofficial groups in your area ran by local individuals.

Another group that you can join is the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). HRC is one of the largest civil rights campaigns which help those who identify as gender or sexual minorities. HRC’s symbol is a blue box with a yellow equal sign (you may have seen it around town on cars) and you can receive free stickers by simply requesting. The HRC was developed in 1980 and works with the legal system for equal care for those who are LGBTQ+. Their website is full of merchandise which help pay for lobbying and supporting those in need, blogs, and annual data reports. Joining a group can not only solidify you as an ally, it can further help support those in your community who identify as LGBTQ+.

Pride month is a celebration for those who identify as gender or sexual minorities. It’s a time to celebrate with friends and family that they might be different, but different isn’t bad. It’s a time to embrace differences of love and gender expressions of all kinds. Celebrating Pride month doesn’t necessarily mean that you identify with the LGBTQ+ community, rather, you’re excited that we live in a world where acceptance is celebrated. Becoming and ally can be one thing you do to celebrate pride month. An ally can help the LGBTQ+ community know they’re not alone on their quest for acceptance. You can be an ally in vibrant or subtle ways, but the important thing is to provide support. Another way that you can celebrate pride month is joining in the festivities, joining a group, and reflecting on your own attitudes and beliefs. Happy Pride Month y’all!

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Molly Lyons - PLPC

INDIVIDUAL AND COUPLES COUNSELING

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

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Resources

Library of Congress. (2019). About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Pride Month.Retrieved from https://www.loc.gov/lgbt-pride-month/about/  

Center for Disease Control. 2018. LGBTQ Health. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm

National Coalition for the Homeless. 2018. Retrieved from: http://nationalhomeless.org/issues/lgbt/

National Alliance on Mental Illness. 2018. LGBTQ. Retrieved from: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/LGBTQ

The Williams Institute. 2012. Retrieved from: http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Durso-Gates-LGBT-Homeless-Youth-Survey-July-2012.pdf

Reflection Over The Year: Tim

Looking Back

As I reflect back on 2018, I realize that this past year has brought about many changes to my life. Growth happens to be the word that comes to mind most often during my reflections. This happened in many parts of my life and I couldn’t be more pleased. Growing responsibilities, family, and realizations of my priorities have completely changed the way I view my life. This is difficult, as well as fulfilling.

If this year has taught me anything, it is that patience is key. I feel like I live my life chasing the next goal. I can’t remember ever stopping and actually thinking about where I am. I wouldn’t say I was unappreciative, but rather unaware. I’ve burnt myself out in the past by chasing after things that simply take time. I don’t want to say they’re easy and I can definitely say I worked for them. However, I’ve achieved some goals and got to a place in my life where I am starting to get comfortable. I mean this in a positive sense. I still have drive and I still have goals. I’m just learning that things take time. This realization has brought me much more patience in regards to myself and others around me.

You’ll Understand

I’ve finally realized why I was told, “you’ll understand when you have a child.” I was selfish because it was something I could afford to be. Of course, I spent a lot of time focused on my happiness. I made lists and spent many hours thinking about the options that I had in regards to my home life and the freedom I had in regards to time and finances. This has drastically changed with the recent addition to our family. My wife and I recently welcomed a baby girl into this world and this has shaken all of our priorities up. This change has forced me to view everything differently. I haven’t figured out if it’s forced me to view anything more positively or negatively. I think I’ll just stick with differently. I feel that I’ve always understood the stressors that come along with being an individual that is unsure of what the future for them looks like. I’ve also understood many situations that include partners and transitions that occur to young adults. However, parenthood was never a topic that I acted like I understood. I feel like I’m slowly growing to understand it, but I also feel that it is something I will continue to learn throughout my life.

 Listen, Relax, and Slow Down

These changes in my life, along with realizing that I needed to slow down and focus on relationships, have encouraged me to put more faith in the messages I receive from the loved ones around me. I am very self-critical, as are many people, due to making the same mistakes I’ve seen others make countless times. We are all chasing our own versions of perfection and I feel like this has caused disappointment for myself. There’re many things we can’t control and there is a reason we can’t control them. Many mistakes happen and choices are made for us. This can be frustrating. I want to take control of my life and when major changes occur, we can feel that our control is slipping. This is a perfectly natural occurrence. We are not immune to changes, but adaptable when these situations arise.

Things get in the way sometimes and we’re unable to focus on the specific goals that we have set for ourselves. This is okay.

I think this realization has allowed me to truly relax when I need a break. My work demands the best of me. My friends demand the best of me. My family demands the best of me. However, nobody will get the best of me if I am not willing to reflect upon the way I think and the way I act. I can take time to make sure that I am the best I can be. We all can. We can all take time to make sure that we are the healthiest and most effective versions of ourselves. This is what counseling is all about, right?

I am no longer racing towards goals. Racing only causes me to miss things along the way. A slower and more methodical approach allows me to view everything in its entirety. Life isn’t a race and they’re so many things that happened in 2018 that helped me to understand that. When making major purchases, you should take your time to ensure that your money will be well spent. When identifying problems within a relationship, you should take your time to evaluate your expectations. When committing to long-term changes, you should take your time identifying whether the changes actually need to happen. What I’m trying to say is that it is important to fully assess where you are at before you jump ship or change courses. I think this year has been important in that I have learned that taking time away from big decisions (when you have this opportunity) allows you to assess the decisions with clarity.

Finding What Works

Along with taking some personal time away, I feel that I should include that my time away was not in solitude. I was and still am surrounding myself with people that care about me. I am working on relationships that I have in order to get to a place where I feel safe to process through intimate details with the people I am closest to. While there may be some people who do their best work on their own, I am not that person. I need healthy relationships with reasonable and smart people. They don’t need to be geniuses. They just need to know how to communicate effectively. I was looking to people who would listen. I was strengthening those relationships in order to be able to process through my problems and my stressors effectively. This is made me appreciate my friends and family so much more.

 Work Changes

Switching to my work life, I have encountered an abundance of change. Looking back on it, the only negative part I can pull from it was my feelings about initial changes and resistance to embracing them as positive changes. I think what I was resistant to was the changes that made me uncomfortable. I am a creature of habit and can struggle to make needed changes. I feel I try to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. I think the changes in my personal life have forced me to accept changes as they are a normal part of life. The changes in my work life have definitely been a benefit for me and have pushed me to become a better person. I think I have become a better clinician, however, the changes that I’ve made due to my work life have impacted me more personally than I had initially thought they would.

Through the work of being a part of a growing practice, I have learned that complacency is a quick way to find failure. This has encouraged me to view things differently in practice and has forced me to take a second look at the way I view things outside of therapy. I have learned that we are never finished working on ourselves. I feel like this is pretty broad, but there is constantly a need for us to change as a practice and as individuals. This is uncomfortable for me. As stated before, I am a creature of habit. The changes in our practice, while minor, are still new. Due to this fact, there is a sliver of stress that comes along with it. It is definitely humbling to encounter a change that must be made and still struggle the commitment to this change. I feel like this is starting to sound very abstract, but I feel like it is very true to my situation.

Another key to my work life has been the demands that it places on me. This isn’t going to be typical “stressed with work” portion of the blog. These demands have pushed me out of my comfort zone and force me to face things that I haven’t previously faced. This has resulted in a higher amount of learned techniques to accomplish goals. This helps me to measure my value in a productive manner by measuring successes, rather than focusing on my failures.

I am very thankful for the opportunity that I have. I work with other professionals that share the same passion I have for counseling. I know I stress relationships when speaking about my personal life, but they’re just as important in my professional life. We all make mistakes and it is very refreshing to have a kind group of people to call you out when you’re not being sincere. They’re able to identify when I am slipping up or when I am being lazy. This is important. This provides me a source of accountability. These are the types of people that you need around. We all need people who will call us on our mistakes and correct us when we are wrong. It’s so much easier when those people are also kind and supportive. The work that I’ve done with supportive people in my life has been much more meaningful to me then my other accomplishments. I can reflect with others on the times that we accomplished group goals. I know many people, including myself, place a lot of pride in their ability to complete goals without other people. However, accomplishments that are made with others seem to be so much easier to celebrate. This leads to a situation where someone is there to give you a congratulations and a high five.  I’m not sure of everyone’s opinions of high fives, but I thoroughly enjoy them. It’s fun seeing the joy in somebody else and it is even more enjoyable when you realize that you have some ownership of the cause of their joy. Celebrating successes have been a large part of the past year and it’s really exciting to think about. I’m not celebrating major wins, but it nice to feel like you are moving in the right direction.

 Baby 2018 + Puppy 2018 = Not Recommended

Switching to a less serious topic, having a baby and getting a puppy in the same year is not something I would recommend. I love them both, however, they are both very demanding. My patience with my child is far greater than my patience with my dog. He is frustrating and attention seeking, while also very sweet and loving. I keep reminding myself that he is doing what most of us do. We alert others when we are not feeling well or we are bored in order to get our needs met. Previously, I would get frustrated and regret the decision to bring a dog home. However, he is now behaving much better and proving to me that utilizing my personal time to form meaningful relationships has its benefits, even if the relationship is with a dog. It sounds silly, but the lessons I have learned in 2018 are astronomical.

 Change

Changes are difficult and bad habits are hard to break. However, we own the ability to dictate where we belong and how we will behave. This is important to remember and should be a reminder to everyone (me, included) that we should never make changes simply to satisfy others. Make changes that will help you personally. Allow yourself to be selfish in order to attain happiness. This will help you to be truer to yourself, resulting in better relationships and thankful friends and family that have desired to see the best you that was available.

The patience and understanding I learned have directly transferred into my work life, helping to increase my relationships across the board. I’m very thankful for 2018. I’m a happier person due to the additions we have had in our family. At the core, I think this all comes back to my relationships. As for those relationships, 2018 was a great reminder that I have some damn good ones.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TIM FITZPATRICK

Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.

Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.

Where is the Love: LGBTQ+ Stigma, Hatred, and Violence

Ahhh, Sweet Sweet Love.

 Have you ever thought what it would be like to not be accepted for who you are? Have you had someone give you funny looks as you kiss your loved one? Sometimes, people wonder if that is because people were never taught any differently, or because they have hatred in their heart. I am here to tell you it can be for numerous reasons and not just the two above.

Welcome to the world of Stigma, Hatred, and Violence. Specifically, we will be exploring these topics surrounding the LGBTQ+ community. We know that everyone faces some form of hatred at some point, but as our focus this month is on the LGBTQ+ community, we want to raise awareness!

Stigma

In order to understand our topic, it would be important to understand what all of these are. Stigmas are a negative thought or feeling associated with certain circumstances, groups, or persons. Let me give you a few related to LGBT+ community:

Oh you’re bisexual? So you’ll sleep with anyone, huh?

Oh you’re not loyal because now you can cheat with both males and females?

You are just jealous you weren’t born a boy like your brother.

A guy must have screwed you over. That’s why you like girls now, huh?

Oh honey, you just haven’t met a real man. 

Violence & Hatred

Violence can be verbal or actions. There have been laws created to protect against gay hate crimes which were created twenty years ago from a very harmful accident against an individual in Wyoming. Hate crimes are crimes motivated to target a certain social group or race. Hate crimes can be one individual against another or through mob mentality.

Micro aggressions

Micro aggressions come in three forms: micro assaults, micro insults, and micro invalidations. These are typically applied to racial aggressions, but can be applied as aggressions against LGBTQ community.

Micro assaults:

These are outright and direct ways of showing that an individual is not supportive or accepting of the community. This could be shown as hate crimes, signs in front yards, buttons mocking the LGBTQ+ flag, burning group flags, and many more. This can be very harmful for the community to see or experience. People consciously know what they are doing when they decide to commit micro assaults.

Micro insults:

Micro insults can be verbal, nonverbal, and environmental communications that involve being rude in a subtle way. An example of this would be like the comments above. The individual who is bisexual and friends say, “It must be so hard to keep a boyfriend. He’s probably worried you’re cheating with one of us” and laugh it off. Although the friends might have not meant to offend the girl, this is very offensive. Many times, individuals make comments with the intent of being funny, quirky, or who knows what. These typically can cause offense to the individual involved. Depending on the situation and the level of comfort with the individual, the person harmed might say something. Otherwise, they might not bother.

Micro invalidations

This would be the belittling or leaving out of a certain group. Unfortunately, LGBTQ+ communities are left out daily. Over time, we have begun to see them included in television shows, posters, and ads. However, it is important to remember at one point they did not have the right to marry. Some do not get the healthcare they need. All of these instances remind them that they are not equal to our “norm”. I will say we are making progress, but progress has a long way to go!

What does this mean?

The point of exploring all of this is not to bring anyone down. The point is to raise awareness and acknowledge that the community has to go through things that others do not. Even lumping Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and others into one group is limiting them. People have different genders and sexualities. Some people, like Raven Symone (y’all know, That’s So Raven?), prefer to be known as a human. She does not want anyone to know her personal business because that’s what it is. It’s personal. On the flip side of that, some people like Amiyah Scott, prefer to speak out for people going through the same situation as her. Everyone has their own path. Some people might not get offended by micro aggressions! Some have reached a point like our other blog mentioned where they do not feel the opinions of others matter. This is a hard place to reach when someone is reminded daily. 

It means that the stress and anxiety these individuals might feel every day can be such a hard thing to live with. Even though I am lumping them into one category for the sake of this topic, they are not all one. They are all individuals who experience being apart of the LGBTQ+ community in different ways. Just the same as all heterosexual individuals do not experience things the same. Every family, friend group, and individual are different; which means that their experiences will not be the same. Typically speaking though, LGBTQ+ receive a lot of hatred, violence, and stigmatism against them. High school & growing up are hard enough. Why should anyone have to be put down for who they want to be?

Picture with me for a minute…

Recently, Molly and I attended a training conference on the LGBTQ+ community. We were asked to close our eyes and imagine that we were heterosexual and our mother, brother, sister, friends, teachers, and everyone else were homosexual. We wanted to go to prom with the boy (in my case) I liked. However, this would not be accepted by my family. They would not be as proud of me as they were of my brother when he brought home his boyfriend. The story goes on to include all the ways that I would be an outcast and unlike everyone else.  

Instinctually, I was hurt. I felt small. I felt like it was not fair and what was wrong with me wanting to take someone I like to prom? This was just a brief moment in the life of a person who was gay and still “in the closet”. I cannot imagine what a lifetime like this would feel like.

Can you pause and imagine it, too? How much of an identity crisis would this create for you if everyone said you were wrong?

Family Impact

No matter who you are or how close (or not) you are with your family, they come into play in your life. Having a good support system when you’re going through depression, anxiety, or any existential crisis can be such a comforting feeling. For some, this might not be the case. With the LGBTQ+ community, having people you can talk to is really important. The suicide rates amongst LGBTQ community are higher than anyone else. Teens who are apart of this community suffer the most. Making sure your counselor is a good fit for you can really switch up the game. When people feel they do not have a safe space to talk about what they are experiencing, they feel a variety of emotions. A few of these would be: neglect, judgment, hatred, sadness, loss, and alone.

When people have support systems in place they might feel: loss, love, happy, sad, alone, hatred, and joy. Did you expect the sadness, loss, and alone to go away? Unfortunately, it does not. It might not even happen, though! It’s important as a family member to remember that you can be supportive and your loved one is still going to experience this change or coming to terms with who they are in whichever way occurs for them. You cannot control it. You can only support them and show them out pours of love. Generally speaking, we all want someone to share our ups and downs with, so having that for anyone is important. Talking with a loved one can bring up a lot of feelings, so making sure we know healthy ways of doing so is important. Many people, like Ellen DeGeneres, say that having loved ones who supported them whether, that be family or friends, makes a big difference. Whenever someone is going through a life-changing event, support makes a difference. The same goes for “coming out”, their first date as a lesbian, or their first shot of testosterone boosters.

I’m not LGBTQ+. What’s this have to do with me?

Like I said in the beginning, sometimes we say things that might sound mean and we don’t know we are even being insensitive! This is where educating ourselves comes into play. We hope this gives you a little time to self reflect and think about how we say things. Are we hurting anyone with our words? What comes up in use when we say x, y, & z? Who is this benefitting, if anyone at all? You do not have to be apart of the LGBTQ+ community in order to support them. This would be known as an Ally. A straight (or heterosexual) person who supports equal civil rights, gender equality, social movements is an ally. They also might speak up against homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia in order to create a supportive atmosphere with no micro aggressions.

Phobias

You might be thinking, what in the world are biphobia, transphobia, and homophobia? These are fears of surrounding yourself or being involved with in anyway members of the given community. A misconception is that phobias have to be people who are not apart of the community. This is false. There are homosexual individuals who are homophobic. This can be for a variety of reasons, so we cannot assume. The important part is that phobias are not limited to heterosexual or cisgender allies.

How do we address these?

Addressing phobias or micro aggressions when your loved one is hurting you can be difficult. Depending on what phase you are in, this can look different for everyone. Some are not “out” yet, so their approach might be more fact-based presenting information they have gathered. If someone is more comfortable in their identity or sexuality, they might be more direct. The important part is to be safe and remember that just like the change was possibly difficult for you, it might be difficult for family and friends to adjust. People learn and grow at different rates, so patience is important. We aren’t saying it is totally up to you. Your friends might have a hard time adjusting. This process of “coming out” can results in losing friends and gaining new ones. We know it is not easy and our team is here to help.

Another aspect would be when you are an ally. As I said before, you do not have to be a member in order to support equal rights. Sticking up for a community does not have to be hateful or harmful to other groups. One large aspect is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion; this can be an opinion one might not agree with. Remaining calm and providing education to the individual might help them in exploring becoming an ally; at the very least not being a victim of stigma, hatred, or violence towards LGBTQ+.

What’s the point?

I like to think our goal here is to be kind to others while being kind to ourselves. Part of being kind to yourself means loving who you are and coming to terms with that. People can fall victim to stigmas, hatred, and violence about themselves or others. This process can create a lot of the mixed emotions mentioned above. If you are not where you would like to be, or you realize that you might be a little bit of the person mentioned in this blog, feel free to contact us.

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 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Machaela Rausch- Client Liaison 

Machaela is currently in her second year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Central Methodist University (CMU). She is the client liaison for The Counseling Hub where she assists with getting individuals set up with a counselor. She obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and a minor in Multicultural Studies from the University of Missouri.

 Machaela is currently receiving experience in the Counseling Center at MACC’s Columbia Campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identitiy crisis, school-related stressors, depression issues, coping with anxiety, and body image issues. Machaela has attended conferences regarding LGBTQ+ community and currently works for a non profit organization where she provides Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Implementing to individuals with developmental delays. Machaela has worked here for three years. Machaela is an active member of the American Counseling Association (ACA).

 Machaela enjoys working with diverse populations and aims to always be open to new learning experiences. Machaela seeks to be a comforting and kind individual for the first contact with The Counseling Hub. Machaela understands the process of getting into therapy can be difficult and aims to provide people with a smooth process.  

PFLAG: The Parent's Process

Parents experience it, too.

Wow. This is hard. Or maybe it’s not. But, it’s probably hard. If your child has recently come out as identifying on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, you might have said this is hard to yourself. Although we desire our children to grow up and live the way that feels right for them, we also create certain aspirations for them. These aspirations may not align with the LGBTQ+ community and hurl you into unexpected territory. Processing that your child might not fulfil your dreams or expectations of growing up “normal” (not saying LGBTQ+ individuals are not normal) might be hard. It may feel like a grieving process or just a minor bump in the road. But, no matter what, you love your child and want them to be happy above all else.

Now you’re trying to figure out what to do next. What do you say when they do come out? Who should you tell? Who can you talk to when you don’t want to share your possibly judgmental questions or statements with? There are some basics that you should know about. Age is just a number, so this can happen whether they are five or fifty.

Be careful of rejecting

Even if your child is an extremely rational person, they may have the fear that you’ll reject them. The best thing that you can do is simply remind them that your love for them is stronger than whatever feelings you have about their gender or sexuality.

Suicide risk and depression for those identifying with the LGBTQ+ population have extremely high numbers as compared to the general population. LGBTQ+ identifying youth often are rejected from families and they have the highest homeless population of any other homeless youth across America. What this means is that for many youth coming out to their families- whether they are supportive families or not- they fear that a major part of who they are as a person will be rejected by the people that love them most. They may even fear for their safety.

Rejection can have many forms from outright being “kicked out”, telling your child that you don’t support them, or telling them not to tell certain people that they are LGBTQ+. Your child may suffer rejection from others in their life such. This cause all sorts of anxiety for the child. They need your support.

Be aware of “outing” your child

The coming out process is hard enough when one person (your child) must do it. Now, they have to worry about being “outed” by others they have told. This includes you. When a person first comes out, they have a heightened sense of awareness of who knows and who doesn’t know.

The best thing for you to do is talk about who you can tell or talk to and who you shouldn’t. For many youth, being outed can have disastrous effects such as being rejected from friends, the church they may attend, or being rejected by some family members.

On a more practical level, discussing sexual or gender identity is not something most people talk to acquaintances about. Think about it: most heterosexual cis-gender (people whose birth sex aligns with their identified sex) people don’t go “Hey co-worker Tom who works downstairs, I need you to know that I am sexually attracted to the opposite sex.” Although this sentence is absolutely ridiculous, many parents do share their child’s personal information in seemingly harmless ways.

These harmless ways could look like parents gathering before a soccer game and Martha’s mom says she’s going with Tim to Homecoming. You, as the parent of a child who identifies as LGBTQ might say, Oh, Annie is going with Tina and they are getting matching dresses! Since soccer is recreational and people can go to any school, maybe Annie was “out” at school but not at soccer.

Parents don’t need to disclose their child’s sexual or gender identity to people who don’t need to know. You wouldn’t want your sexual fantasies shared with everyone you know to be judged. Before you tell anyone (after gaining consent from your child) it would be good to ask yourself what will my child benefit from if this person knows who they are sexually attracted to (identify as…)? Again, it’s ultimately up to the person you’re talking about to out their gender and sexual orientations. If you feel the need to tell others, it’s shows that you respect your child when you ask if it’s okay to tell others. Every parent wants what’s best for their child but not everyone will agree on what’s best. You may be proud and think that it’s best to share their identity with the world; however, the child has to live with the consequences most intimately. Permission is important.  

What if you are not ready to tell others?

On one hand you may want to share you perfect child with the world, but on the other hand, you may need time to process it yourself. Eventually, you want all your friends to know, but you’re still trying to figure out what this means for both your child and you. If your child’s telling people and you aren’t ready, you need to talk to them about. Unfortunately, being a sexual minority (which identifying as LGBTQ+ is a sexual minority) can be a difficult pill to swallow for others. Even more, you may not be yet equipped with what to say when people begin asking questions. What would you say if a person came up to you and said, “Ya know, I always had this feeling he was gay” or “What does he mean he wants to be a girl? Could he just be gay?” You may not even know what appropriate responses are to these questions or statements. What people will find is that people are very curious about others’ circumstances and LGBTQ+ identities. People want to understand sexual minorities and say things that they think are harmless in an effort to gain awareness and knowledge or to prove they’re not any type of phobic against sexual minorities. If you aren’t prepared for answering questions or telling others, you may want to speak with your child about this. Keep in mind, it’s important to let your child know that keeping it to yourselves right now is not a forever thing. Making your child feel like it’s a secret that they identify on the LGBTQ+ spectrum may feel like rejection. This can cause even more difficulty with owning their sexual identity. Framing the situation so that the parent has time to think about what they will say or do (just as your child contemplated telling you for a while) will allow the child and parent to both feel respected.

Who should you talk to?

It’s probably not appropriate to talk to your child about your uncertainties regarding their LGBTQ+ identity. This could be interpreted as a form of rejection. Who can you talk to? Maybe your child said they weren’t ready for you to tell your friends or maybe you aren’t ready.

Either way, you may need a space to process or gain knowledge. A great resource for parents is the Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays- also known as PFLAG. Although the name represents only two identities, the foundation has expanded to include all identities on the spectrum. The foundation was established to help support those who are directly involved with LGBTQ+ individuals like you. A word of caution is that you can still accidently “out” your child by becoming involved with local parents. If your child says that they don’t want you saying their name, then it’s best to give them that privacy even if it’s in an accepting place such as PFLAG. Finding a place that is accepting to discuss your thoughts and ask questions may help you along your journey of acceptance and understanding of your child.

Be Patient

When your child comes out to you, it may be a very emotionally charged situation. This can cause all sorts of feelings within you as well. You may or may not have expected this conversation, but either way, there’s an adjustment period. Finding a counselor to assist in the adjustment period can be seen as a positive step. You may not know exactly what all of this means or what to say but you need to convey the message that you love them as your child above all else- whether you agree with their decision or not. Your child and you need to talk about who the both of you can tell now, and who should be told at a later date. You child probably spent a lot of time preparing for this conversation and feared being rejected or misunderstood. Just the same, you are also going to need time to process their outing. Talking to others who are in a similar situation, such as the parents at PFLAG will help you make meaning of your child’s identity. Something important to point out is that your child told you. They felt safe enough to be their true self with you. They trust you. That is love.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons- Intern

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Demystifying the Process: How to End Counseling

Terminating the Session

You’ve made it! You and your therapist have decided that it’s time to end therapy. The length of therapy can vary for everyone. There could be many reasons such as: you may have reached your therapeutic goals, you may have to relocate, or maybe you have just decided it is not the right time (although anytime is a good time for mental health!). Either way, you’re ready for your last session. Just like the intake session, the termination session is a bit different than other sessions you have had. Experiencing a healthy good-bye is a powerful thing so it’s important to have a termination session. We want to provide you with a little of what to expect from it.

Layout of the session

Generally speaking, there are several things that will happen during the termination session. First, expect to reflect on what work you’ve done in (and out) of the therapy room. The whole point of therapy is to get you to where you feel confident that you have the resources to live connected, happy, and fully on your own. If you don’t reflect on where you’ve grown, you will not realize how much strength you have and may doubt that you are ready for termination.

Once you’ve talked about your progress, your therapist may want to talk about what to do when you don’t have them around. Handling the world on your own maybe scary and so it’s good to talk through what you can do before something big happens. In fact, you and your therapist may decide to schedule a follow up session several months out just to check in and see how things are going.

Another topic that is sure to be discussed will be the emotions around ending the relationship. You may or may not have ever had someone by your side that unconditionally supports you. This type of relationship is a very intimate one that is unlike any other and realizing it’s going to end maybe a hard pill to swallow.

Why does it feel like the world is crashing down again?!

You may have been completely prepared for this day. Although it may be a time to celebrate any progress you have made, you may be having second thoughts. Do I need just a few more sessions? Is there work I still need to do before I end it? But wait, what about this huge emergency that just came up!? Take a breath. It’s normal to feel some anxiety about ending therapy. Losing a supporter may feel earth shattering, but remember this: You are the reason you have come so far. All your therapist has done is shown you the self-esteem you have within you.

But what if you really aren’t ready to end your journey of self-healing? A few things come to mind. First, you and your therapist will have spent some time talking about the ending of therapy already. It’s not just an “in the moment” decision and your input is what the decision has been based upon. Second, your therapist will not leave you to drown. If your work is not complete, then your therapist will have referrals for you. Finally, it maybe a test run. You could try out your new skills and if you need your therapist, they’ll be right back there with you.

Is it okay to…?

You may feel deeply appreciative for the guidance of your therapist during your time together. Many things may come up at the last session that you may have never thought of before. You may want to give them a special gift, ask to be their friend, or give your therapist a hug. Spending so much intimate time together with another human is bound to create strong bonds, so it’s not uncommon for you to have these ideas. Accepting a gift will depend on the therapist. What will happen (with us anyway- we can’t speak for all therapist in the world) will be a discussion about what the gift means. Gifts are often symbolic, and your therapist might want to explore what it means for you to give the gift and for your therapist to receive it. Asking to be a friend of your therapist might be disappointing. Although they truly like you as a person, they’re probably not going to be your “friend” or grab coffee and shoot shit (this a whole different blog post about why, but nutshell version is that it’s unfair to you). Lastly, giving your therapist a hug will likely be the therapist’s personal and professional preference. You might want to check that it's okay before you go in for the hug and, just as with the gift, your therapist may want to talk with you about what the hug means. We aren’t trying to dissect you every move, but just like you might not like chocolate cake; they might not like hugs.

Your therapist feels it, too!

When you and your therapist sit down and talk about the deepest and most vulnerable parts of you and your journey, it’ll have an effect on your therapist too. Although it might seem like they “always” have their stuff together, therapists are human too. They’ll likely be moved by your strength and determination. Your progress, no matter how large or small, is something that your therapist will want to celebrate.

Remember, this is not forever.

We don’t aim to be repetitive, but, what your therapist wants most for you is to feel like you have the capability and tools to face whatever life throws your way. This means that even though your therapist would love to see you and work with you more, the hope is that you can leave therapy and never have to come back. But, old habits die hard and life can be crazy and unpredictable. It is okay to come back to therapy if you need it (read: its’s not a sign of failure). In the event that you need therapy again (or you want to write a letter to update your therapist on your continued progress), your therapist will be there, ready to help you through life’s trenches. Life’s trenches are full of constant transitions, and your therapist gets that. We aren’t trying to cut all ties, but we were not meant to be a permanent part of your life.

The termination session can be emotionally charged. It may be a time of grief over the separation, happiness over the accomplishments, and nervousness over the future. Hopefully, you can spend the whole time talking about the progress you made and how you will handle life in the future. You may or may not want to show your appreciation of your therapist- both are fine! Maybe you’ll need a follow up session or maybe you’ll need referrals. No matter how the session goes, it’s important to remember that you are the reason you have come so far. You have put in hard work and have the strength to continue your journey. You are amazing.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.