Let’s Get Real about Youth Suicide
Let’s Get Real about Youth Suicide
Homework. The latest TikTok trend. Do my friends like me? These are just a few of the thoughts we expect to occupy most young people’s minds today. However, according to the CDC about 20% of high school students are having thoughts about suicide and about 9% reported an actual attempt. These number allegedly increase depending on various factors. 30% of young girls surveyed said they had thoughts of suicide. Rates for suicide attempts in Black youth have increased in the last decade. LGBTQIA+ youth are also at higher risk for suicide. With all this scary information, where do we go from here? There is research that is still being done, especially for black youth, whose rates for suicide have historically been lower. In the meantime, what can caregivers, teachers, and adults do for these young people?
Know the Risks
In the mental health field we talk about risk factors and protective factors for suicide for suicide. This can be a helpful starting place as you are thinking about this. Risk factors according to the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) include:
Prior suicide attempts
Family history of attempts
History of mental health conditions such as severe depression, anxiety disorders, and psychotic disorders
Substance abuse
Repeated impulsivity and aggressiveness
Serious issues within the family
Break ups or major relationship losses
Access to means of self-harm (unsecured firearms, prescription medications, poisons)
Social withdraw/isolation
Protective factors include:
Strong social/family connections and supports
Access to quality mental health care
Effective coping strategies and problem solving skills
Lack of access to means of self-harm (unsecured firearms, prescription medications, poisons)
Have a conversation
There has been a myth floating about that if you talk about suicide it will put these thoughts in the person’s mind, this is not true. Starting a conversation is the best way to know where the young person’s thoughts are. It can definitely be an intimidating conversation, start with genuine curiosity. Sometimes when we are scared that can show as anger. Do the best you can to keep your own emotions regulated. Starting with “Have you had thoughts about hurting yourself?”, depending on the answer move on from there. If the answer is “Yes,” be curious about the specifics of the thoughts. Sometimes these thoughts may come out in a joking manner, take them seriously and use those moments to have a conversation about suicide and self -harm. If you are worried about how to have the conversation NAMI has a few conversation starters for people in distress.
Understand what suicidal ideation sounds like
In Taylor Swift’s Song Is it Over Now? she has a line “I think of jumping off a very tall something’s, just to see you come running…” Now while we could argue the intent and meaning of this line, if a young person in your life is saying they are considering harming themselves, even if for attention, take it seriously. Suicidal ideation may not come out as I am going to kill myself. It can also be “I want to go to sleep and never wake up”, “Sometimes I think the world would be better if I wasn’t around.”
Involve a Professional
If you have started the conversation or maybe you’ve heard them say some of the above statements contact a therapist. Contacting your doctor can help you find a good referral, a quick google for therapist’s near you can also help. If they are having urges in that moment you can call or text 988 the crisis & suicide hotline. If they are in immediate danger, take them to the ER.
Written by Clinical Therapist Alexa Robinson
Overcoming Anxiety: Understanding, Causes, and Management Techniques | The Counseling Hub
Do I have anxiety? What is anxiety? What does anxiety feel like? What causes anxiety? How to calm anxiety? If you find yourself asking these questions, you are not alone. Anxiety is a common experience that affects millions of people worldwide. It can manifest in different ways, including panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, and generalized anxiety disorder. Understanding anxiety, its causes, and how to manage it can help you live a more fulfilling life.
Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay
Do I have anxiety? What is anxiety? What does anxiety feel like? What causes anxiety? How to calm anxiety?
If you find yourself asking these questions, you are not alone. Anxiety is a common experience that affects millions of people worldwide. It can manifest in different ways, including panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, and generalized anxiety disorder. Understanding anxiety, its causes, and how to manage it can help you live a more fulfilling life.
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a natural response to stress. It’s a feeling of fear or apprehension about what is to come. Anxiety can be helpful in some situations, as it can help you remain alert and focused. However, when anxiety becomes excessive or interferes with your daily life, it can be a problem.
What Does Anxiety Feel Like?
Anxiety can manifest in different ways, depending on the person and the situation, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer here. With that said, some common symptoms of anxiety include:
Feeling nervous or tense
Sweating or trembling
Rapid heartbeat
Shortness of breath
Feeling dizzy or lightheaded
Difficulty concentrating
Insomnia
Irritability
What Causes Anxiety?
Anxiety can be caused by a variety of factors, including:
Genetics: Some people may be more prone to anxiety due to their genes.
Environment: Traumatic events, such as abuse or neglect, can increase the risk of developing anxiety.
Brain chemistry: Imbalances in certain chemicals in the brain, such as serotonin and dopamine, can contribute to anxiety.
Medical conditions: Certain medical conditions, such as heart disease or thyroid problems, can cause anxiety symptoms.
Substance abuse: Alcohol and drug abuse can increase the risk of anxiety or exacerbate symptoms of anxiety.
How to Calm Anxiety
If you are experiencing anxiety, there are several things you can do to manage it:
Deep Breathing: Take deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. This can help slow down your heart rate and calm your mind.
Exercise: Physical activity can help reduce anxiety by releasing endorphins, which are natural mood-boosters.
Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness, such as meditation or yoga, can help you stay present and focused, reducing anxiety.
Therapy and Counseling: Therapy and counseling can be effective treatments for anxiety. A trained therapist can help you identify the root cause of your anxiety and develop coping strategies to manage it.
The Counseling Hub in Jefferson City, MO, and Columbia, MO: Your Premier Resource for Therapy and Counseling for Anxiety
At The Counseling Hub, we understand the challenges of living with anxiety. Our team of licensed therapists and counselors is dedicated to providing personalized, evidence-based treatment to help you manage your anxiety and improve your overall well-being.
We offer a variety of therapy and counseling services, and our therapists and counselors work with you to develop a treatment plan tailored to your unique needs and goals.
Our offices in Jefferson City, MO, and Columbia, MO, provide a safe and comfortable environment for therapy and counseling.
If you are struggling with anxiety, don't suffer in silence. Contact The Counseling Hub in Jefferson City, MO, or Columbia, MO, today to schedule an appointment and take the first step towards a happier, healthier life.
Image by Shahid Shafiq from Pixabay
Anxiety Recap (and Next Steps)
Anxiety can be a challenging experience, to say the least, but it doesn't have to control your life. By understanding anxiety, its causes, and how to manage it, you can take control of your mental health and live a more fulfilling and grounded life.
At The Counseling Hub in Jefferson City, MO, and Columbia, MO, we are wholly committed to providing personalized, evidence-based treatment for anxiety. Our team of (amazing, if we do say so ourselves) licensed therapists and counselors is here to help you develop the skills and strategies you need to manage your anxiety and improve your overall well-being.
Take the first step towards your happier, healthier life.
Contact us today to schedule an appointment.
Counseling in Jefferson City, MO: Finding Healing and Support at The Counseling Hub
In Jefferson City, Missouri, residents have access to a valuable resource for their mental health needs. The Counseling Hub stands as a beacon of hope, offering a wide range of counseling and therapy services to individuals and couples facing various challenges.
Let’s dive into some common issues such as anxiety, depression, marriage struggles, and grief, and highlight how The Counseling Hub can be your trusted partner on the path to healing and growth.
In Jefferson City, Missouri, residents have access to a valuable resource for their mental health needs. The Counseling Hub stands as a beacon of hope, offering a wide range of counseling and therapy services to individuals and couples facing various challenges.
Let’s dive into some common issues such as anxiety, depression, marriage struggles, and grief, and highlight how The Counseling Hub can be your trusted partner on the path to healing and growth.
Addressing Anxiety and Depression
Anxiety and depression are prevalent mental health conditions that can affect anyone, regardless of age or background. Jefferson City residents who find themselves struggling with these challenges can find solace and support at The Counseling Hub.
Our amazing (if we do say so ourselves) and dedicated team of licensed therapists understand the complexities of these issues and offers evidence-based therapies to help clients develop coping strategies, manage symptoms, and reclaim their lives. With a compassionate and personalized approach, The Counseling Hub clinicians provide a safe space for clients to explore their emotions, gain insights, and work towards achieving mental wellness.
Nurturing Relationships through Marriage Counseling
Maintaining a healthy and fulfilling marriage requires effort and effective communication. With that said, even the strongest relationships can encounter obstacles along the way.
The Counseling Hub recognizes the significance of nurturing strong bonds and offers specialized marriage counseling services utilizing a research based approach (Gottman Method Couples Therapy) that is highly effective..
Couples in Jefferson City can seek guidance from experienced therapists who can help them navigate conflicts, improve communication, rebuild trust, and rediscover the love and connection that initially brought them together. With the guidance and support of The Counseling Hub, couples can find a path forward, whether they are facing challenges related to intimacy, infidelity, or other issues.
Navigating Grief and Loss
Experiencing the loss of a loved one is an incredibly difficult and overwhelming journey. In times of grief, having a compassionate and skilled counselor can make a world of difference.
The Counseling Hub recognizes the unique needs of individuals who are grieving and offers a nurturing environment where they can express their emotions and find healthy ways to cope. Our grief counseling services in Jefferson City provide a safe and supportive space for clients to process their feelings, work through the stages of grief, and ultimately find healing and hope.
The Counseling Hub: A Trusted Partner for Mental Wellness
At our core, we believe that everyone deserves quality mental health care. Our dedicated team of licensed therapists possess expertise in a wide range of specialties, allowing them to address various mental health concerns. That couples with our commitment to providing client-centered care ensures that individuals and couples in Jefferson City receive personalized treatment plans tailored to their unique needs.
Finding Support When You Need It
For Jefferson City and surrounding residents, The Counseling Hub can be trusted as a reliable resource for those seeking counseling and therapy services. Whether you're facing anxiety, depression, marriage struggles, or grief, our clinicians offer a compassionate and professional approach to guide you towards healing and growth.
Reach out to The Counseling Hub in the heart of Jefferson City, Missouri, and take the first step towards improving your mental well-being. And always remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and with the right support, you can find solace and rediscover a life filled with hope and happiness.
Navigating Stress in Jefferson City, Missouri: Effective Strategies for Mental Well-being
Living in a bustling city like Jefferson City, Missouri, can be exciting and fulfilling, but it also comes with its fair share of stressors. From work pressures to personal challenges, managing stress is crucial for maintaining good mental health. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies and resources to help Jefferson City residents cope with stress and foster a greater sense of well-being.
Recognizing Stress Triggers
To effectively cope with stress, it's essential to identify the triggers unique to your life in Jefferson City. Whether it's a long commutes, demanding work schedule, or too many responsibilities, pinpointing these stressors allows you to address them head-on. Take time to reflect on situations that consistently induce stress and consider how they impact your mental health nd overall wellbeing.
Accessing Nature's Tranquility
Jefferson City is blessed with abundant natural beauty, making it an ideal setting for stress relief. Take advantage of the scenic surroundings by exploring nearby parks, such as Binder Park or Jefferson Landing State Historic Site. Engaging in outdoor activities like hiking, biking, or simply enjoying a leisurely stroll can be immensely rejuvenating and promote relaxation.
Seeking Supportive Resources
In Jefferson City, there are numerous resources are available to support individuals dealing with stress. The Counseling Hub is a local counseling service and mental health practice that offers professional guidance and coping mechanisms tailored to your specific needs. Our exceptional clinicians specialize in working with folks who are dealing with stress, anxiety, and relationship issues (amongst other things!). Additionally, consider joining support groups or attending workshops that address stress management techniques. The camaraderie and shared experiences can provide a sense of validation and reassurance, reminding you that you're not alone in your journey.
Prioritizing Self-Care
Practicing self-care is crucial for maintaining mental well-being. In Jefferson City, carve out time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's engaging in a hobby, taking a yoga class at a local studio, or pampering yourself with a spa day, self-care rituals help alleviate stress and foster a sense of balance in your life. Remember to prioritize sleep, exercise regularly, and nourish your body with healthy meals, as these factors greatly contribute to overall mental resilience.
Connecting with Community
Building connections and fostering relationships within the Jefferson City community can be instrumental in coping with stress. Attend local events, join clubs or organizations aligned with your interests, or volunteer for community service initiatives. Engaging with others who share similar passions can provide a support network and help you gain new perspectives. Social connections serve as valuable outlets for venting, sharing experiences, and finding solace during challenging times.
Living in Jefferson City, Missouri might offer a unique set of stressors, but it also provides ample opportunities for stress relief and mental well-being. By recognizing stress triggers, accessing nature, seeking supportive resources (like The Counseling Hub!), prioritizing self-care, and connecting with the community, Jefferson City residents can effectively cope with stress and cultivate a healthier, happier life.
Contact us today to get scheduled with a therapist in Jefferson City!
Online Counseling/Online Therapy for Anxiety
And with all that said, there’s also the whole philosophical stance that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience!!!
Big hint for you (if it’s not obvious) is that our online counseling/online therapy approach embraces this, much in the same way our in-person counseling/therapy does. Basically, anxiety is embedded in our DNA. It’s part of being alive and relishing the life you live. To have zero anxiety is a pretty big (and improbable) ask. To have a level that’s able to be joyfully lived with? That’s more realistic (and still hard for some people to attain).
What is online counseling/online therapy? I keep hearing these terms…
I’ll start by saying that our counseling team in Columbia, Mo offers both individual counseling and therapy as well as couples therapy and marriage counseling via an online format. And I’ve gone into this a handful of times over the past few weeks (an overview here, faqs here, and an online couples therapy and marriage counseling blog here), but I’ll offer a little bit of clarity before diving into how it can be useful for anxiety therapy.
Online counseling/online therapy is, quite literally, counseling/therapy done via an online video format. We use a platform that links up with an app for clients and also gives clients the option of using their laptop or computer for sessions. We basically ask that folks just find a private space, use headphones (if doing individual work), and make sure they have internet connection. And that’s about it!
Is online counseling/online therapy an effective for treating anxiety?
You can guess my answer to this question, but I’ll say it anyway.
YES. Absolutely yes. With some caveats. If you’re coming in for generalized anxiety or social anxiety, then this is absolutely an avenue that can (and, ideally, should) be effective for treatment. What we offer is coping and treatment for people who struggle with more generalized anxiety, whether this is from an existential crisis, quarter-life crisis, related to body image or self-esteem, or besties (#sarcasm) with shame and guilt.
If you’re looking for online counseling/therapy for selective mutism, separation anxiety, or panic disorder, then it would make more sense to be in person and with somebody who distinctly specializes in that type of work. Additionally, obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (although note considered anxiety disorders at this point) should be addressed through more specific approaches. If you want or need referrals for folks who do that work, we’re happy to help you! Email us directly and we’ll make some relevant recommendations for you.
Can anxiety be cured with therapy or counseling?
This is a loaded question.
Yes (sorta) and no, but the answer really depends on how you experience anxiety and how you think about anxiety.
If you’re experiencing an acute form of anxiety for the first time in your life and you’re just very confused about what’s happening and why, then yes, it makes sense that some counseling and therapy could help to “cure” your anxiety.
However, if you’ve been experiencing anxiety for years on end with little to no relief, then probably not. It makes sense that we can lower your anxiety, yes. It makes sense that we can learn to manage anxiety, yes. It even makes sense that we can help you to feel better about your anxiety, yes.
But to cure it entirely after you’ve been experiencing it for years and years on end? No, probably not.
And with all that said, there’s also the whole philosophical stance that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience!!!
Big hint for you (if it’s not obvious) is that our online counseling/online therapy approach embraces this, much in the same way our in-person counseling/therapy does. Basically, anxiety is embedded in our DNA. It’s part of being alive and relishing the life you live. To have zero anxiety is a pretty big (and improbable) ask. To have a level that’s able to be joyfully lived with? That’s more realistic (and still hard for some people to attain).
All that said, we’ll do everything we can to help you find your happy level of anxiety. Yes, such a thing can (and often does) exist.
Okay, but can anxiety be cured with online therapy or online counseling?
I’m pretty much going to say the same thing as the section above. Yes (sorta) and no. Yes, depending on the type of anxiety. No, depending on the type of anxiety. And also some anxiety is part of the human experience.
Boom. Roasted. #TheOfficeForever
How long does anxiety therapy take (including online therapy for anxiety)?
Meh. It’s hard to say. Here’s a quick formula for you. Simplified, but based on research.
Therapy > No Therapy
More Therapy > Less Therapy
In essence, you should see an impact in your life relatively quickly. However (and how detailed can I get here?), seeing a change or two or three in your life doesn’t equal long-term success. What we really want to see is a change (or multiple changes) combined with sustainability and maintenance. The hard part about this is that you’ll feel ‘push back’ on changes at different intervals.
Think of it this way. Did you see the movie Cars? As a total side note, I freaking love that movie. I cry every time in the end when Lightning McQueen gives up his win for The King (#spoiler). It’s just so touching (hence the tears)!
My point, though, is that in the movie, Lightning has to repave the road that he destroys in Radiator Springs before heading to California for his big race. Repaving the road wasn’t planned. It was an accident, but he’s kind of a jerk in the beginning of the movie, so you don’t feel too bad for him when he gets stuck.
So, he starts repaving the road while basically hating his life. Stuck in “hillbilly hell” repaving a road (that he has to get done within the week) while missing out on the life he wants to be living. Let’s pause real quick and think about the parallels to anxiety. Feeling stuck and unhappy, and wanting to anywhere but lost in the feeling you’re having. It’s intense.
So then, Lightning gets the bright (read: terrible) idea to repave it lightning (#Heyo) fast. Another spoiler, in case you haven’t seen the move: it doesn’t work. The small amount of road he paved slowly is smooth, but the vast majority of the rest is super bumpy and not really drive-able.
Let’s pause and parallel counseling/therapy again, shall we? RUSHING THE PROCESS DOESN’T WORK. Simple enough.
Ultimately, he slows his roll (#OnPointWithMyPuns), makes social connections and forges meaningful relationships, starts to value where he is while still having a bigger goal for himself, and realizes it’s not so bad. In essence, he submitted to the experience and process while trusting that his work would get him through.
One last time, counseling/therapy parallel. I’m sure you can guess, but I’ll clarify. Submitting to the process doesn’t mean giving up control forever. It simply means accepting where you currently are, making the most/best of it while creating meaningful relationships, and still working towards a bigger goal. This is therapy. This is counseling. This is why we don’t rush the process and also why we don’t try to fix things quickly. There are more reasons, but the above highlights some.
What if I get anxiety before my therapy/counseling session?
Welcome to the club! Sounds kind of wild, but it’s not uncommon that people feel nervous, anxious, or downright scared before their counseling or therapy session.
I mean, think about it. At what other point in your life do you walk into somebody’s (virtual) office and bare your soul? We’re talking no-holds-barred, vulnerable af, open, honest, and raw conversation. That is HARD. It is legitimately difficult to do. It’s not something for the feint of heart, and it sure as hell isn’t easy. To clarify, you don’t have to do this right away! This is something we work up to and you do when you have a sense of safety and trust with your clinician.
At the exact same time, it’s refreshing, relieving, empowering, and can lead to growth you didn’t know or think possible. There’s something really sacred in that space, but all of that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s terrifying for people. This is more the case for folks who are coming for the first time, starting with a new clinician, or are restarting after having a bad experience with another clinician (yes, this happens and no, we don’t like it happening).
I want to start online anxiety therapy/counseling. Now what?
Simple answer. You can email us directly to get something on the books, you can call us at 573-586-3204, or you can submit your contact information by clicking the link below and we’ll get back to you asap! Kudos to you for taking this big step, as a side note. Getting started can be hard for folks. Be well and happy counseling!
About the Author
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Individual Counselor & Therapist, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor | Columbia, Mo
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and practicing counselor/therapist with The Counseling Hub with a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision (earned from the nationally recognized UM - Saint Louis counselor education program). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
Tim | End of Year Reflection
Hurried growth for me is difficult to maintain and handle, whether it is personal or professional. It comes with more frequent setbacks and I think the positive outlook, along with patience, has allowed me to not feel defeated. I’m still a mess at time, but I’m starting to believe that my “mess” is actually organized chaos. I’m happy with the tasks that I have and when I’m unable to take time to reflect, I have a much different view.
Upon starting this blog, I was really struggling to decide the topics I would cover. This is a reflection, and it should be easy for me to find a couple of topics to go over for the past year. It turns out that the struggle tends to be where to focus. 2019 has been a busy year on the work front and in my personal life. That’s not to say that there is a lot of trouble in 2019, but to give credit to how many things I thought were accomplished.
I think I mentioned in my reflection from 2018 that there were a couple of additions to my home. I will still reflect on them positively, but I don’t think I realized how much of an impact they would have on my life. These new relationships become more demanding over time and tend to take up more space in my life. This can be overwhelming. I realized that taking advantage of every time that I have to enjoy myself should be first nature, no matter where these enjoyable experiences. My responsibilities have become demanding, just as I have worked towards. I’ve spent more time focused on what I need to do in order to become “successful,” even at times sacrificing other priorities. When looking back at the year, I almost begin to feel guilty about these things that I have set aside to feel more confident about myself and my role as a friend, partner, and provider.
Change
These previous statements could easily have you guessing that I need to change the way I approach my responsibilities. However, I’m not sure that I do. I have a lot of personality and a lot of energy tied up in what I do for work and hobbies. These things are important to me and provide me happiness elsewhere. I really believe I would be miserable without it. I think I cycle through this feeling of guilt and this understanding that I need to work hard at what I love. It’s difficult to understand how you come across to others at times, but I know I’m a happier person when I’m improving. Whether the improvements be at work or with my relationships, my pride and feeling of accomplishment becomes very apparent to me (and others, I imagine).
In this way, I am healthier to be around. I’ve allowed myself to set boundaries that I was once uncomfortable with. I’ve felt more confident about my approach to others, truly believing that the way I am operating is the best way for me and the most beneficial to others. That’s one thing that always stuck out to me. I’ve witnessed situations where people want to be better to others. They don’t care what it takes, but they want to be liked. I feel like I’ve finally decided that I’m much better for others if I am taking action on finding my own happiness versus trying to make sure they were happy. In the future, I see my growth still leaning towards being authentic versus censoring myself for others. This is still something I’d love to work on and don’t feel like there needs to be a stopping point.
I’ve just discovered that how I feel directly relates to the way I treat others. I want others to be happy around me, and even more so if I’m happy as well. I want to feel like those around me enjoy themselves. It’s odd for me to process through this, as it has been obvious and mostly unacknowledged for the majority of the year.
Growth In All Directions
I’ll continue to reflect in broad terms when addressing the growth around me. It seems that the growth I’ve witnessed this past year has been across all fronts. This is difficult, given that change can be a struggle, but I definitely look back at it with reasons to celebrate. Witnessing our team grow at The Counseling Hub, I couldn’t help but look at it as an opportunity to grow clinically and a reason to remain confident in my abilities and the abilities of others. If I’m feeling confident, I usually find myself thinking about relationships and connections that I can learn from. The growth of these relationships has not only benefited us as a practice, but are very significant for myself. I enjoy having conversations with new people, and that opportunity is always presenting itself.
Growth at home looks much different. It’s a different type of growth, but it is still very satisfying on a personal level. My oldest, a large, rambunctious, adolescent dog, has become much more of partner to whoever is home with him. Training in the earliest part of this past year has helped so much and reminded us that we need to keep him busy. It’s a lot of simple games, but he tends to avoid trouble when he is performing tasks. Imagine that!! He is attached to us and is very protective, which can be very frustrating as going to the restroom alone happens very infrequently anymore. However, I always find myself remaining thankful for the presence and excitement that he brings to our home. He is a protector and through one minor sickness this year, we were reminded of how much we care for him and his bumbling through our home with less grace than we thought possible.
My daughter has developed into a very social child that has altered most of what I believed my future would look like. I don’t feel that I’ve (we’ve) given much up for her. Instead, I feel that we’ve been given much more opportunities for joy and new experiences. The experiences, or growth with a positive spin, are not always enjoyable. Continued growth has come with surprises and laughs that continue to brighten the way we move through life at home. It also comes with worry as any first-time parents would experience. It’s been a ride, and I think I’m right where I would like to be.
Through these experiences, I’ve been reminded that my positivity is so much more important than I imagined. Items can be replaced, and there is no need to damage a relationship due to the stress that comes with the loss and damage of the items that we covet. These small inconveniences caused by true inexperience are easy to forgive. This period is transitional and not permanent. There is no need for me to interpret this as a stressful time in my life. I want to look back and remember the humor and positive growth, rather than to focus on the setbacks. Of course, it’s easier to see this now. I’m not sure I had this view earlier in the year, but I’m glad I’m able to reflect on this with this attitude. Realizing that I can give energy to certain thoughts and refrain from energizing negative thoughts has been relaxing. That’s a newer idea for me, as I tend to move from thing to thing in order to stay busy. Given that I’ve had time to sit and think, I definitely have to continue to remind myself that I can have more control than I’ve allowed myself in previous times.
Moving At My Own Pace
Hurried growth for me is difficult to maintain and handle, whether it is personal or professional. It comes with more frequent setbacks and I think the positive outlook, along with patience, has allowed me to not feel defeated. I’m still a mess at time, but I’m starting to believe that my “mess” is actually organized chaos. I’m happy with the tasks that I have and when I’m unable to take time to reflect, I have a much different view. I can begin to feel overwhelmed, until I realize that I have everything I need and am continuing to grow in many areas of life. I also find comfort in this change, given that most of the changes around me are growth, therefore appearing more positive and easier to accept.
While approaching the end of this reflection, I have come to realize that it is much more difficult to reflect accurately when thinking about the busy that comes with the holiday season. It’s important to understand that this time of year can be exactly what you want it to be. This is a time for family, but all families look different and families can appear in many different groups. I’ve tried to keep in mind that I should connect meaningfully with those that I enjoy. We’re told to enjoy the holidays, so we should be allowed to take the necessary steps to ensure that this is truly a time we enjoy. Set those boundaries and spend that quality time with those you love! Engage in activities that are enjoyable and allow yourself to decline an invitation if it is overwhelming! Keep in mind that many obligations we have were self-decided. While I made the decision to engage, I’ve also exercised my right to engage in self-care. It’s important to make decisions that are for you rather than decisions that are made for others around us. I, mistakenly, have been consumed with this tense feeling that accompanies the holiday rush and that pulled me away from much of what I typically enjoy. It initially made the reflection more difficult.
This year is coming to a close without many regrets and I’m thankful that this is my situation. I’ve gone into many new years thinking that I could’ve done more, and I finally feel like I am in a great position. I’m looking forward to further growth and continuing to build on the relationships that I have established. I’m looking forward to continuing to take time to focus on my family and my interests in order to feel less resentful about the obligations that I have. It’s important to be able to find balance in life, and I feel like I’m approaching this goal consistently and at a satisfying pace.
Looking at it now, I’ve realized that this reflection helped to refocus myself on the things that matter most to me. Closing out 2019 is an exciting idea for me! New goals, not necessarily resolutions, are in my thoughts for 2020. I feel like I’m embracing these goals more than I have in previous years. I’m encouraged, and I hope there are similar feelings around me.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TIM FITZPATRICK
PLPC | INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING
Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.
Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.
Molly | End of Year Reflection
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
Reflecting On 2019
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
What’s the Same?
Before I dive into what has changed and what I would like to improve in 2020 I wanted to check in and say what is still the same. Three things have been the same this year; my self-care, family chaos, and being a counselor. First, self-care was a goal for 2018 which I carried into 2019 and it is still going strong. Last year I reflected on taking more time to myself in the form of eating better and I am very proud to say that I am still on the bandwagon. Secondly, my family is always chaotic. With five kids all the time, and a sixth every other weekend chaos is my middle name. Not to mention having three nephews and five nieces all under the age of 10 who I love to visit with. Chaos is stressful (thank you captain obvious). With that, I still have many days where if all the kids are still alive I mark it as a success. Lastly, I am still counseling (again-duh). I love learning about people, getting to know them beyond talking weather, and helping them sort through their minds. I love going into work and that is such a great feeling. With that said, a lot of things have changed over the last year.
What’s Different?
Exercise
For all of you out there: exercise really does improve your mood. I think in a world where you can take a pill and expect to feel better quickly, reaping the benefits of exercise (which can take a long time to kick in) isn’t worth it. Well, last year shortly after Christmas I started to do a daily exercise. I started out with a 30-minute body-weight strengthening exercises. Over the course of the year it turned into the 30-minute exercise into that plus running for 15-minutes every day. I never- I repeat NEVER- have been a runner in my life. This was such a monumental thing for me. The long and the short of it- I feel so much better. I am not only physically healthier, but I am mentally more healthy too.
No School
One of the things that I am most proud of is graduating. To be completely transparent, I never in a million years imagined that I would hold a master’s degree. I never wanted to go to college because I hated school! Going to college has been a huge deal in my family. My grandma and grandpa dropped out of school in 8th grade and I am the first person in my family to obtain a degree. The best part of graduating (as most of you could guess) is not having to do homework or assignments. Actually, I didn’t mind doing the work because I liked learning about most of the stuff I was taught. But, the ripple effect of not having to do the work is that I no longer need to forfeit time with my family to go to evening classes or do homework on the weekends. I do like being busy and being a busy body means that I fill that time in with doing things I didn’t have time to do around the house before or do activities with the kids. Not having to do classes or homework means that when I want to learn something, I can take my time and be intentional about it. Making it all the more meaningful.
Working hard on my marriage
As any couple that has been together many years, or any couple’s counselor out there, knows marriage takes a lot of work. It requires empathy. It requires giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. It requires you to take responsibility when you mess up. It requires inspecting your flaws. One goal I set for myself coming into 2019 was to focus more energy into my marriage. It’s so easy to get stuck in a routine and let the relationship take back seat. Easily, you lose sight of what you want from your relationship. For example, I want to be happy- cool- but what does that really mean? Does that mean having more playful interactions? More date nights? More checking in about your days? For my marriage, my focus was to have predictable time we spent together to just hang out. No talking shop- which is easy to do when you have kids- just time to be two people who fell in love. I talk to couples all the time about the Gottman Magic Five Hours. They found that couples who spend five hours connecting in meaningful ways have happier relationships. My husband and I started to put kids to bed at 8:30 every night and spend a half an hour Sunday through Thursday nights just hanging out. No interruptions. For those of you math people, you might notice that is not five hours, but let me tell you, doing this has been the best decision I have ever made for my marriage. Not joking. Not to say that we had it bad, but I believe there is always room for improvement in your relationships. Again, being intentional about my marriage has done wonderful things for my relationship, my mental health, and my family.
What Do I Still Want To Improve?
Boundaries
Generally speaking, I like to think I am good with boundaries. I bet most people do though. I know what I can and cannot handle as far as work, tasks and goals I set for myself, and friends and family. One area where I need to improve boundaries is with people who are negatively affecting me. It’s easy to say I am not going to let this person do xyz until the moment they do. If you think about it long enough, I am sure most of you can think of a person who you give up more than what you would like to keep them happy (or just keep the peace). A friend who plays the victim, an aunt who is “out spoken” about what you should and shouldn’t do, or a coworker who winds up dumping all the responsibility on you. I don’t have these exact situations, but I do have something of the sorts. Not that you or I intentionally let these people do these things, but it happens for good reason. I don’t want to make my friend feel attacked because I love them. I don’t want to upset my Aunt because she will not let me live it down the next four holidays. I don’t feel like I can say anything to this coworker because it will go in one ear and out the other, nothing will change, and then it will just make things weird. All valid reasons. The problem then, is where is my boundary? It may go to hell if I discuss my concerns with them, but maybe it won’t. At the end of the day, I know that I will feel better about myself if I say what I need to say to respect myself. If I tell the person that it might hurt what I have to say, but I need to say it because it’s important to me. That I will take some advice from my aunt, but there are some topics I won’t discuss with her. That my coworker can give me some responsibility, but I will not take it wholly. Reflecting on what has stopped me from setting boundaries in the past has been things like fear, conflict avoidance, and trying to make others happy. The expense is my mental health and self-worth. So setting more boundaries with people is something I am going to work on in the next year.
Being present
This one is super hard for me. This is probably the hardest thing that I’ve tried to do and have failed many times. Being present to me means that I can put aside all other things happening and focus intentionally (and intently) on whatever it is that I am doing. Not to get too personal, but a lot of my existence has been survival mode. Trying to make ends meet and things done when there was a lot that was trying to push me backwards. For example, trying to get a large paper turned in when I have to go to work the next day and two kids are throwing up. At times, me trying to get to the next step was the only thing I could focus on when everything else in life felt like it was in shambles. Naturally, when a person lives in a mode of always thinking about the next step, when that isn’t necessary anymore it’s not something you just stop doing. I constantly think about what’s the next step- what’s the next goal? The byproduct of that is missing opportunities of being present. In 2020 I want to start living more in the moment. Since life has slowed down due to me getting a job that pays well, not having homework, and kids getting a bit older and more independent it seems like the perfect time to start being more present. I am going to try to take many of the small moments that got shoved aside and be there. Feel these moments. Savor these moments. I hope that when this happens, I can step out of survival mode and enjoy life a little more.
Not being complacent
I used to think that someday I would reach a point where I wouldn’t need to worry about learning more. I could just go into my workplace, get the job done, go home and not think about it. Well, in the world of counseling, boy did I have it all wrong. One thing that you learn in graduate school for counselors is that there is no final destination. There is not a time where you will know everything and that’s it. That sounds silly as I type it out, because of course you could never know everything. I guess in my head it was something like if I learn everything there is to know about counseling then I can just do it. I won’t have to stress about feeling like I have to learn anything else. Because learning is related to school, and school is stressful. Basically, I wouldn’t have to invest any more. The problem with this theory (besides the obvious that I couldn’t possibly ever know everything) is that it can lead to stagnation. It can lead to complacency. Something that is terrifying to me as a person that values self-improvement. A goal that I have for myself over the next year (probably the next several years) is to be mindful of becoming complacent. As mentioned earlier, for so long it was nose to the grind and do whatever it takes to get the job done. Now there is no more schooling and I don’t want to stop self-improvement. Growth is important and I want to be sure that I continue to do that.
It has been a wonderful year. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened. Many things are the same. I hope to change a few things moving forward. Setting boundaries for relationships that aren’t healthy for me, being more present in the moment, and striving for a healthy dose of self-improvement are things I hope to work on in 2020. I hope all of you can set yourself some goals and actively work towards them too. I can’t wait to check in at the end of the year next year and see how it has gone!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor
Molly has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
How Can I Learn to Love Myself?
Every single person, including you, are worth loving. Second, many people have been in the boat that you’re in- feeling defeated and sad. But there’s always time to change. Learning to love yourself may take a while as you may find yourself not believing the new things you’re telling yourself, but with time, you will find that you’re loveable and you can love yourself.
Can I Learn to Love Myself?
Learning to love yourself is not an easy task. It’s not one that happens overnight, and is not often a one-and-done, permanent change. It takes work. Especially if you’ve been in a place of self-dislike- or loathing- for a long time. It may feel futile to think that you could ever change your thoughts about yourself. You have probably tried before. Let me just take a moment to say two important things: first, you’re worth it. You’re worth the time and effort to learn how to love yourself. Every single person, including you, are worth loving. Second, many people have been in the boat that you’re in- feeling defeated and sad. But there’s always time to change. Learning to love yourself may take a while as you may find yourself not believing the new things you’re telling yourself, but with time, you will find that you’re loveable and you can love yourself.
Treat yourself like you would your best friend
One piece of advice- as cheesy as it sounds- is to treat yourself like your best friend. Treat yourself with the same kind of respect you would show the person you cared most for in the world. Most of us have had “our person.” A person who we love (or loved) more dearly than anyone else on the planet whether that be our uncle, grandma, sister, not-really-related cousin, or childhood best friend. We would never want to say anything to those people to hurt them or put them down- so if you find that you do that to yourself, counter the self-harming thought or comment with a positive one. Gottman research found that couples who have successful and fulfilling relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Meaning, that happy couples have five positive interactions to one negative one. Why shouldn’t we be doing this with ourselves? We need a positive relationship with ourselves just as much as we need one with an intimate partner. So give yourself five compliments, or list five positive attributes you have each time you find yourself saying something negative.
It’s also more than just telling yourself positive things- it’s treating yourself with respect, too. If you have low self-worth or dislike yourself then it’s easy to feel guilty when taking time for yourself because- as you have told yourself- after all, you are not worth it. Some ways to treat yourself with respect can include setting boundaries in different areas of your life like work, friendships, and family. These can include setting limits on tasks for others, creating time for you to enjoy something, or even stopping yourself from self-destructive behaviors. Setting these boundaries at first may not feel good, but it’s your way of telling yourself (and others) that you are worth loving and being cared for. Another way to treat yourself with respect is to have self-care and mental health time. Being intentional about caring for yourself can be linked to greater mental health in a variety of ways. Again, intentional self-care may feel selfish or a waste of time at first, but self-care is needed for everyone and granting yourself that time is one way you can love yourself.
What do others like or love about me?
If you’re in such a state that you can’t even find one thing that you like about yourself, ask someone else. You can ask anyone- your closest friend, your extended family, the bank teller who is always working when you go, or a stranger at Walmart. The answers may surprise you. Collecting information from others about what they like about you can give you a beginning reservoir of things that are positive about you. If you value your family and friends opinions highly, then what they have to say will be impactful. If you think that they are just blowing smoke at you then it may seem like empty compliments- so ask a stranger! Asking someone you don’t know necessarily well- or at all- can be beneficial as well. One viewpoint may argue that they don’t know you so they have no stock in assessing what they like or dislike about you. Or there is an argument for the reverse, thinking they are just being nice or artificial- in which you can then ask your friends or family. Either way, obtaining information from others about what they like about you can kick start you formulating your own opinions about what makes you great and loveable.
Sometimes liking and disliking yourself can come in waves. It might be a good idea for you to write down all the things you like about yourself when you’re having a good, self-loving day so that if or when the day comes that you find it difficult to like or love yourself, you can look back on what you have liked. Having a running list can be very impactful as you can visually see the list growing as you learn to love yourself more.
One important thing to keep in mind when asking others what they think about you is that things difficult to hear may come up. You may receive some criticism or feedback that supports your self-defeating thoughts. When you approach individuals for feedback, it would be wise to tell them you’re only looking for the positives at the moment. You’re attempting to create new thoughts and behaviors that allow you to love yourself. Finally, remember, your opinions matter too. Other thoughts should be a springboard for you to begin, not a constant reassurance. Relying on others likes about you to instill your sense of worth and love is not solid ground to stand on all the time.
I just don’t believe it- what do I do about that?
Trust me, I’ve been that person. The person that says, “oh you’re just saying that because you have to” or “yeah, right” after receiving a compliment. If this happens to you, then you might want to reflect on what you are thinking and feeling during those times. Think about what you were taught growing up about receiving compliments. Were you ever given any? What were your primary caretakers responses to compliments? What were your primary caretakers’ responses when you were praised by others? What are your thoughts on how others should react when given compliments? What are your thoughts on modesty and bragging?
Perhaps some of the opinions and beliefs you live by regarding how you view yourself were influenced by factors growing up. It may be difficult to believe others have positive opinions about you because you don’t have them for yourself. Or maybe you never received any growing up, or they were shortchanged by your primary caregivers, and so you don’t know how to believe positive traits about yourself. Inspecting what makes it difficult to believe positive things about you will be the first step in allowing yourself to believe them. Once you have an idea of what may prevent you from believing positive things about yourself, then you must prevent yourself from countering your positive thought. In other words, tell yourself that you are good at something. You are loveable. You are unique and incredible. Say these things to yourself with out countering them. It maybe that the first few months feel forced or fake, but if you tell yourself enough- without negative counter thoughts- then it’s likely you will start to believe it.
Learning to love yourself can be a difficult task. You might not be able to think of anything that you like about yourself and might not believe what others say they like about you. You may have certain things that you like about yourself but other things that you don’t. Learning to love yourself means that you must take care of yourself. Setting boundaries, stopping negative thoughts, and soliciting things others like about you are beginning step towards learning to love yourself. Treat yourself with respect not only with the things you tell yourself but also in the way you physically handle yourself. Self-care and doing things to promote mental health wellness are important in respecting yourself. Loving yourself can ebb and flow and therefore writing down all the things that you like or love about yourself when you’re feeling self-loving is important for the days where you feel less deserving of your own love. Loving yourself opens you up for loving others in healthy ways. Lastly, remember that you’re worth loving. No matter what you’ve done; you are worth loving.
Fifty positive things to say to yourself:
1. I like who I am.
2. I’m not perfect, and that’s okay.
3. I made a mistake, and that’s okay.
4. I tried my best in this situation.
5. I have worth.
6. I am attractive.
7. I am kind.
8. I am better than I used to be.
9. I am working on improving myself.
10. I am enough.
11. I am good at ____.
12. I can do this.
13. I am funny.
14. There are a lot of great things about me.
15. I am intelligent.
16. I am human.
17. I can’t do this right now, and that’s okay.
18. I like ___ about myself.
19. I have people that care about me.
20. I am valuable.
21. I am a good person.
22. It’s out of my control and I am trying to accept that.
23. I can choose to forgive.
24. My thoughts and opinions matter.
25. That wasn’t so bad.
26. I survived.
27. I will take one day at a time.
28. I deserve good things.
29. It’s okay to be nervous.
30. My fears do not define me.
31. Today was rough, but tomorrow may be better.
32. I will try my best.
33. I am strong.
34. I am thankful even though right now sucks.
35. My feelings are valid.
36. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but I can handle this.
37. I believe in myself.
38. I am unique.
39. I have made it through worse; I can make it through this.
40. I will not give up.
41. I deserve respect.
42. I am a hard worker.
43. I haven’t been my best self, but I can turn that around.
44. My life is none of their business.
45. Their opinions don’t shape who I am.
46. I will continue to love myself.
47. I like that I am able to ___.
48. I am lucky because ___.
49. There is no one like me.
50. I am incredible.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor
Molly has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.