Reflecting On 2019
My last year has been a whirl wind. The year has flown by and good things have came from it. I can honestly say that this has been one of the least stressful years of my life and I am so thankful for that. Let’s see, some of the highlights include celebrating my older kids second year adopt-i-versary, getting more nieces and nephews- which one of those is a set of twinies, eating healthier and exercising, my first born biological daughter hitting the double digits for her birthday, paying off some debt that has been around for a few years, and last (but certainly not least) graduating! This year has been one that I have felt very proud of and I want to share a bit about what is the same, what has changed, and what I want to see happen in 2020.
What’s the Same?
Before I dive into what has changed and what I would like to improve in 2020 I wanted to check in and say what is still the same. Three things have been the same this year; my self-care, family chaos, and being a counselor. First, self-care was a goal for 2018 which I carried into 2019 and it is still going strong. Last year I reflected on taking more time to myself in the form of eating better and I am very proud to say that I am still on the bandwagon. Secondly, my family is always chaotic. With five kids all the time, and a sixth every other weekend chaos is my middle name. Not to mention having three nephews and five nieces all under the age of 10 who I love to visit with. Chaos is stressful (thank you captain obvious). With that, I still have many days where if all the kids are still alive I mark it as a success. Lastly, I am still counseling (again-duh). I love learning about people, getting to know them beyond talking weather, and helping them sort through their minds. I love going into work and that is such a great feeling. With that said, a lot of things have changed over the last year.
What’s Different?
Exercise
For all of you out there: exercise really does improve your mood. I think in a world where you can take a pill and expect to feel better quickly, reaping the benefits of exercise (which can take a long time to kick in) isn’t worth it. Well, last year shortly after Christmas I started to do a daily exercise. I started out with a 30-minute body-weight strengthening exercises. Over the course of the year it turned into the 30-minute exercise into that plus running for 15-minutes every day. I never- I repeat NEVER- have been a runner in my life. This was such a monumental thing for me. The long and the short of it- I feel so much better. I am not only physically healthier, but I am mentally more healthy too.
No School
One of the things that I am most proud of is graduating. To be completely transparent, I never in a million years imagined that I would hold a master’s degree. I never wanted to go to college because I hated school! Going to college has been a huge deal in my family. My grandma and grandpa dropped out of school in 8th grade and I am the first person in my family to obtain a degree. The best part of graduating (as most of you could guess) is not having to do homework or assignments. Actually, I didn’t mind doing the work because I liked learning about most of the stuff I was taught. But, the ripple effect of not having to do the work is that I no longer need to forfeit time with my family to go to evening classes or do homework on the weekends. I do like being busy and being a busy body means that I fill that time in with doing things I didn’t have time to do around the house before or do activities with the kids. Not having to do classes or homework means that when I want to learn something, I can take my time and be intentional about it. Making it all the more meaningful.
Working hard on my marriage
As any couple that has been together many years, or any couple’s counselor out there, knows marriage takes a lot of work. It requires empathy. It requires giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. It requires you to take responsibility when you mess up. It requires inspecting your flaws. One goal I set for myself coming into 2019 was to focus more energy into my marriage. It’s so easy to get stuck in a routine and let the relationship take back seat. Easily, you lose sight of what you want from your relationship. For example, I want to be happy- cool- but what does that really mean? Does that mean having more playful interactions? More date nights? More checking in about your days? For my marriage, my focus was to have predictable time we spent together to just hang out. No talking shop- which is easy to do when you have kids- just time to be two people who fell in love. I talk to couples all the time about the Gottman Magic Five Hours. They found that couples who spend five hours connecting in meaningful ways have happier relationships. My husband and I started to put kids to bed at 8:30 every night and spend a half an hour Sunday through Thursday nights just hanging out. No interruptions. For those of you math people, you might notice that is not five hours, but let me tell you, doing this has been the best decision I have ever made for my marriage. Not joking. Not to say that we had it bad, but I believe there is always room for improvement in your relationships. Again, being intentional about my marriage has done wonderful things for my relationship, my mental health, and my family.
What Do I Still Want To Improve?
Boundaries
Generally speaking, I like to think I am good with boundaries. I bet most people do though. I know what I can and cannot handle as far as work, tasks and goals I set for myself, and friends and family. One area where I need to improve boundaries is with people who are negatively affecting me. It’s easy to say I am not going to let this person do xyz until the moment they do. If you think about it long enough, I am sure most of you can think of a person who you give up more than what you would like to keep them happy (or just keep the peace). A friend who plays the victim, an aunt who is “out spoken” about what you should and shouldn’t do, or a coworker who winds up dumping all the responsibility on you. I don’t have these exact situations, but I do have something of the sorts. Not that you or I intentionally let these people do these things, but it happens for good reason. I don’t want to make my friend feel attacked because I love them. I don’t want to upset my Aunt because she will not let me live it down the next four holidays. I don’t feel like I can say anything to this coworker because it will go in one ear and out the other, nothing will change, and then it will just make things weird. All valid reasons. The problem then, is where is my boundary? It may go to hell if I discuss my concerns with them, but maybe it won’t. At the end of the day, I know that I will feel better about myself if I say what I need to say to respect myself. If I tell the person that it might hurt what I have to say, but I need to say it because it’s important to me. That I will take some advice from my aunt, but there are some topics I won’t discuss with her. That my coworker can give me some responsibility, but I will not take it wholly. Reflecting on what has stopped me from setting boundaries in the past has been things like fear, conflict avoidance, and trying to make others happy. The expense is my mental health and self-worth. So setting more boundaries with people is something I am going to work on in the next year.
Being present
This one is super hard for me. This is probably the hardest thing that I’ve tried to do and have failed many times. Being present to me means that I can put aside all other things happening and focus intentionally (and intently) on whatever it is that I am doing. Not to get too personal, but a lot of my existence has been survival mode. Trying to make ends meet and things done when there was a lot that was trying to push me backwards. For example, trying to get a large paper turned in when I have to go to work the next day and two kids are throwing up. At times, me trying to get to the next step was the only thing I could focus on when everything else in life felt like it was in shambles. Naturally, when a person lives in a mode of always thinking about the next step, when that isn’t necessary anymore it’s not something you just stop doing. I constantly think about what’s the next step- what’s the next goal? The byproduct of that is missing opportunities of being present. In 2020 I want to start living more in the moment. Since life has slowed down due to me getting a job that pays well, not having homework, and kids getting a bit older and more independent it seems like the perfect time to start being more present. I am going to try to take many of the small moments that got shoved aside and be there. Feel these moments. Savor these moments. I hope that when this happens, I can step out of survival mode and enjoy life a little more.
Not being complacent
I used to think that someday I would reach a point where I wouldn’t need to worry about learning more. I could just go into my workplace, get the job done, go home and not think about it. Well, in the world of counseling, boy did I have it all wrong. One thing that you learn in graduate school for counselors is that there is no final destination. There is not a time where you will know everything and that’s it. That sounds silly as I type it out, because of course you could never know everything. I guess in my head it was something like if I learn everything there is to know about counseling then I can just do it. I won’t have to stress about feeling like I have to learn anything else. Because learning is related to school, and school is stressful. Basically, I wouldn’t have to invest any more. The problem with this theory (besides the obvious that I couldn’t possibly ever know everything) is that it can lead to stagnation. It can lead to complacency. Something that is terrifying to me as a person that values self-improvement. A goal that I have for myself over the next year (probably the next several years) is to be mindful of becoming complacent. As mentioned earlier, for so long it was nose to the grind and do whatever it takes to get the job done. Now there is no more schooling and I don’t want to stop self-improvement. Growth is important and I want to be sure that I continue to do that.
It has been a wonderful year. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened. Many things are the same. I hope to change a few things moving forward. Setting boundaries for relationships that aren’t healthy for me, being more present in the moment, and striving for a healthy dose of self-improvement are things I hope to work on in 2020. I hope all of you can set yourself some goals and actively work towards them too. I can’t wait to check in at the end of the year next year and see how it has gone!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor
Molly has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.