“I feel like I am not listened to and it hurts.”
Ever leave a conversation with your partner feeling not listened to? What about feeling defeated? Pissed? Misunderstood? If you have walked away from a conversation feeling like nothing you said mattered, that feels terrible! We all have been the one feeling defeated and the one who’s not showing off their good listening skills. Either way, there are some things you can do to improve the chances of being listened to. Keep in mind, that just because you’re choosing to try to be an effective communicator doesn’t mean that the other person will be a good listener. The goal here is to try to be as clear and intentional about your message in a specific way which will likely lead to being listened to. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to will be able to follow suit and both of you will feel heard, understood, and respected.
Prepare For The Conversation
When and Where?
One thing that is important to consider when you want to be listened to is context. I know from personal experience that it can be ridiculously hard to wait to talk about something when your blood is pumping, and that person has either hit a raw nerve or just plainly won’t listen to you. If your blood is pumping it might be best to wait and calm down first. Once you’ve calmed down and are ready to talk about the issue again considering time and setting are very important.
Telling your partner that you feel hurt by something they said or did is important in a healthy relationship versus fighting, but it may fall on deaf ears if the time and place are not appropriate for the conversation. For instance, pretend you’re pissed because your partner didn’t switch the laundry before bed and now it’s soured from being in the washer all night. Waking your partner up and expressing frustration you have for him or her might not go over so well. If you were to wait until they are up and alert, then it’s more likely your partner will hear what you’ve got to say.
A good rule of thumb is to think about how you would feel if whatever you want to talk about was presented to you. It’s also good to think about how your partner has responded in the past. If you know that they don’t like talking about serious things right before going to bed, then it might be best to have a talk mid- morning or early evening.
Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt.
I am going to challenge you, which you might find difficult but hopefully not. I challenge you to think that your partner does want to listen to you- even if it doesn’t feel like it. Going into a conversation with the mindset that your partner does want to listen to you can help you feel less like they’re the enemy and they want steady communication with you.
Think of it this way: if you have a red car- you see red cars everywhere. If you think your partner won’t listen, then you will be looking for signals that they don’t want to listen. The opposite is true too. If you think that they care to listen going in, then you will find evidence to support that. Another thing to keep in mind is that they have their own feelings and thoughts which needs to be expressed as well. Think about a time when you started a conversation wanting to be listened to and by the end you wound up in a fight. One reason is that both people are trying so desperately to be heard that each person begins to become louder and more fortified trying to be the first to get their point across. No understanding can come from two people digging their heels in deeper and deeper. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they do want to hear what you have to say and that they have thoughts and feelings too.
If you go into the conversation with the mindset that your partner doesn’t want to listen, or that they won’t, then you haven’t given them a fair chance.
Plan For It
So knowing when and where to have a conversation is one piece of a plan but there are some other things you can consider before having a discussion. These can include reflecting on what are the main things you want to be understood on? What happens if your partner rejects the time or place for discussion? What happens if the whole thing starts to go south and you wind up talking about unrelated things? I am not suggesting coming into a conversation with bullet points and no room for flexibility. I am suggesting that having a plan for what you want and encountering potential barriers to being understood can help increase the chances of you effectively communicating.
Being Realistic
Let’s be real. There are going to be many conversations that whatever is talked about isn’t necessarily going to be fixed. You may leave the conversation still feeling like the problem is there- so what’s the point? The point is that you were able to express yourself and (hopefully) both people will have more empathy for the other. This empathy leads to connection. Again, it’s also possible that no matter what you do to prepare, the talk can backfire. Be realistic about what you want and what you expect from your partner. Think about how you would respond if what you were saying were coming off the lips of your partner. Another thing to think about is that if you’ve got a thought or need, your partner probably does too. Once you’ve had your chance to express yourself fully, you will need to allow your partner the same respect. Your partner needs to be listened to just like you do so take turns. Lastly, reflect on if it’s important to be listened to first. If there isn’t a reason that you must speak first, you can let your partner talk first while you demonstrate good listening skills.
During the Conversation
As in most of my blogs, the methods suggested here are from the well-researched and established Gottman Method Couples Therapy. They deserve the credit for these beautiful techniques which have helped so many couples feel more understood!
First, the way you start a conversation is likely how it will end. If the conversation starts like, “You never do the dishes!” (a.k.a. criticism) then it’s not likely the other person will want to listen much further. Starting off with criticism, blaming, cursing, harsh tone, mockery, or loud volume quickly turns off listening and the person you want to listen to you so badly is likely fortifying their position. Being able to express what you want or need must be done so in a way that the other person doesn’t want to run away or counter attack. Words matter. You might notice that there are hot topics that you and your partner discuss which automatically make your body tense up. Just an utterance can provoke this response which can set your communication up for failure- so words matter.
Try beginning the conversation with talking about you. Keep the focus on how you’re feeling, what you’re needing, what you experienced rather than what your partner did. Think about the last time you were accused of something- what did it feel like? Most people would want to defend themselves, and the listener is not an exception. Even if you say it in a calm tone. If you use “you-statements” then often the listener feels accused, attacked, picked on, misunderstood, or something of that nature. The byproduct is that listening goes out the window. Using I-statements may sound like this, “I have a busy day today and am feeling frustrated that the clothes are in the washer still.” Again, just because you say it a certain way doesn’t mean it will be accepted, but the previous statement allows for much greater understanding than something like this: “You know I have a busy day and now I have more laundry to do. Now I am starting the day pissed off! Great!” Yeah, I prefer to hear the first example.
Another good thing to do during the conversation is to let your partner have a turn talking. They have needs and feelings regarding what you’re bringing to them and they need to be able to feel heard too. Once you are listener, try to suspend judgement. Try to listen to what they think and feel. It may seem odd that you are listening when you are the one that wants to be heard and understood, but if you can be a supportive listener, your partner will probably want to be one for you as well.
One last thing I suggest is telling your partner how good it feels when you feel listened to. If you had a conversation where you felt heard, then tell them! The two of you can make mental notes about what works and what doesn’t. Telling them how connected and positive you feel afterwards can deepen your bond and lead to further effective communicating.
Being listened to is a complicated thing. First, you must go into the conversation knowing what you want from it. You must also be prepared for it not to go exactly how you planned it to. Taking into consideration time and place is important to help raise the chances of feeling heard and understood. You must also try recognizing and being okay with the fact that your partner has an opinion, and that doesn’t mean that your thoughts and feelings are not true. Don’t forget that listening must take turns- you can lead listening by example. Going into the conversation with a positive mind about your partner, that they really do want to listen is helpful as well. Starting a conversation gently and avoiding critical or judgement is important because once a conversation starts, that is likely how it will end. Using I-feel statements (and avoiding you-statements) can help reduce the chance the listener feels attacked. If you’re able to feel heard, don’t forget to tell your partner!
About the Author
Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.