How to Handle Someone Not Listening

“I feel like I am not listened to and it hurts.”

Ever leave a conversation with your partner feeling not listened to? What about feeling defeated? Pissed? Misunderstood? If you have walked away from a conversation feeling like nothing you said mattered, that feels terrible! We all have been the one feeling defeated and the one who’s not showing off their good listening skills. Either way, there are some things you can do to improve the chances of being listened to. Keep in mind, that just because you’re choosing to try to be an effective communicator doesn’t mean that the other person will be a good listener. The goal here is to try to be as clear and intentional about your message in a specific way which will likely lead to being listened to. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to will be able to follow suit and both of you will feel heard, understood, and respected.

Prepare For The Conversation

When and Where?

One thing that is important to consider when you want to be listened to is context. I know from personal experience that it can be ridiculously hard to wait to talk about something when your blood is pumping, and that person has either hit a raw nerve or just plainly won’t listen to you. If your blood is pumping it might be best to wait and calm down first. Once you’ve calmed down and are ready to talk about the issue again considering time and setting are very important.

Telling your partner that you feel hurt by something they said or did is important in a healthy relationship versus fighting, but it may fall on deaf ears if the time and place are not appropriate for the conversation. For instance, pretend you’re pissed because your partner didn’t switch the laundry before bed and now it’s soured from being in the washer all night. Waking your partner up and expressing frustration you have for him or her might not go over so well. If you were to wait until they are up and alert, then it’s more likely your partner will hear what you’ve got to say.

A good rule of thumb is to think about how you would feel if whatever you want to talk about was presented to you. It’s also good to think about how your partner has responded in the past. If you know that they don’t like talking about serious things right before going to bed, then it might be best to have a talk mid- morning or early evening.

Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt.

I am going to challenge you, which you might find difficult but hopefully not. I challenge you to think that your partner does want to listen to you- even if it doesn’t feel like it. Going into a conversation with the mindset that your partner does want to listen to you can help you feel less like they’re the enemy and they want steady communication with you.

Think of it this way: if you have a red car- you see red cars everywhere. If you think your partner won’t listen, then you will be looking for signals that they don’t want to listen. The opposite is true too. If you think that they care to listen going in, then you will find evidence to support that. Another thing to keep in mind is that they have their own feelings and thoughts which needs to be expressed as well. Think about a time when you started a conversation wanting to be listened to and by the end you wound up in a fight. One reason is that both people are trying so desperately to be heard that each person begins to become louder and more fortified trying to be the first to get their point across. No understanding can come from two people digging their heels in deeper and deeper. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they do want to hear what you have to say and that they have thoughts and feelings too.

If you go into the conversation with the mindset that your partner doesn’t want to listen, or that they won’t, then you haven’t given them a fair chance.

Plan For It

So knowing when and where to have a conversation is one piece of a plan but there are some other things you can consider before having a discussion. These can include reflecting on what are the main things you want to be understood on? What happens if your partner rejects the time or place for discussion? What happens if the whole thing starts to go south and you wind up talking about unrelated things? I am not suggesting coming into a conversation with bullet points and no room for flexibility. I am suggesting that having a plan for what you want and encountering potential barriers to being understood can help increase the chances of you effectively communicating.

Being Realistic

Let’s be real. There are going to be many conversations that whatever is talked about isn’t necessarily going to be fixed. You may leave the conversation still feeling like the problem is there- so what’s the point? The point is that you were able to express yourself and (hopefully) both people will have more empathy for the other. This empathy leads to connection. Again, it’s also possible that no matter what you do to prepare, the talk can backfire. Be realistic about what you want and what you expect from your partner. Think about how you would respond if what you were saying were coming off the lips of your partner. Another thing to think about is that if you’ve got a thought or need, your partner probably does too. Once you’ve had your chance to express yourself fully, you will need to allow your partner the same respect. Your partner needs to be listened to just like you do so take turns. Lastly, reflect on if it’s important to be listened to first. If there isn’t a reason that you must speak first, you can let your partner talk first while you demonstrate good listening skills.

During the Conversation

As in most of my blogs, the methods suggested here are from the well-researched and established Gottman Method Couples Therapy. They deserve the credit for these beautiful techniques which have helped so many couples feel more understood!

First, the way you start a conversation is likely how it will end. If the conversation starts like, “You never do the dishes!” (a.k.a. criticism) then it’s not likely the other person will want to listen much further. Starting off with criticism, blaming, cursing, harsh tone, mockery, or loud volume quickly turns off listening and the person you want to listen to you so badly is likely fortifying their position. Being able to express what you want or need must be done so in a way that the other person doesn’t want to run away or counter attack. Words matter. You might notice that there are hot topics that you and your partner discuss which automatically make your body tense up. Just an utterance can provoke this response which can set your communication up for failure- so words matter.

Try beginning the conversation with talking about you. Keep the focus on how you’re feeling, what you’re needing, what you experienced rather than what your partner did. Think about the last time you were accused of something- what did it feel like? Most people would want to defend themselves, and the listener is not an exception. Even if you say it in a calm tone. If you use “you-statements” then often the listener feels accused, attacked, picked on, misunderstood, or something of that nature. The byproduct is that listening goes out the window. Using I-statements may sound like this, “I have a busy day today and am feeling frustrated that the clothes are in the washer still.” Again, just because you say it a certain way doesn’t mean it will be accepted, but the previous statement allows for much greater understanding than something like this: “You know I have a busy day and now I have more laundry to do. Now I am starting the day pissed off! Great!” Yeah, I prefer to hear the first example.

Another good thing to do during the conversation is to let your partner have a turn talking. They have needs and feelings regarding what you’re bringing to them and they need to be able to feel heard too. Once you are listener, try to suspend judgement. Try to listen to what they think and feel. It may seem odd that you are listening when you are the one that wants to be heard and understood, but if you can be a supportive listener, your partner will probably want to be one for you as well.

One last thing I suggest is telling your partner how good it feels when you feel listened to. If you had a conversation where you felt heard, then tell them! The two of you can make mental notes about what works and what doesn’t. Telling them how connected and positive you feel afterwards can deepen your bond and lead to further effective communicating.

Being listened to is a complicated thing. First, you must go into the conversation knowing what you want from it. You must also be prepared for it not to go exactly how you planned it to. Taking into consideration time and place is important to help raise the chances of feeling heard and understood. You must also try recognizing and being okay with the fact that your partner has an opinion, and that doesn’t mean that your thoughts and feelings are not true. Don’t forget that listening must take turns- you can lead listening by example. Going into the conversation with a positive mind about your partner, that they really do want to listen is helpful as well. Starting a conversation gently and avoiding critical or judgement is important because once a conversation starts, that is likely how it will end. Using I-feel statements (and avoiding you-statements) can help reduce the chance the listener feels attacked. If you’re able to feel heard, don’t forget to tell your partner!

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About the Author

Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

How to Deepen Love

How to deepen love

Valuing full disclosure, I admit I’m biased when conceptualizing love. Almost all of the training I’ve had dealing with couples and relationship work has been through the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. But hey, what’s better for people who are seeking help (especially mental health, which is constantly under the microscope to determine its validity) than a research-based approach such as the Gottman Method? Most of what you’ll read will be suggestions from this method.

Now time for the big question.

How do you deepen love?

Maybe you’ve been in that new love which is full of passion and excitement, and now it’s settling down to the more dependable (and dare I say mundane) type of relationship. Maybe you’ve been married for 15-years and you love your partner, but you also feel lonely and wish for a stronger connection. Maybe you’ve never felt a deep type of love and wonder how others manage to feel that way.

No matter what your circumstances are there’s one thing you should know. You can just-about-always deepen your love for your partner. There are exceptions, but they are just that - exceptions and not the norm. Those exceptions might be better suited for couples therapy or marriage counseling (you can also email us with questions about that, if you’re concerned or unsure).

The secret to deep love is building a solid friendship system.

If you’ve ever met a couple that have been together for a long time and report high levels of relationship satisfaction, you’ll likely hear the two of them saying that their partner is not just their lover, but their best friend. This couple has a strong friendship system, which lays the groundwork for a fortified romantic relationship.

Which, obviously, segues into the questions of how you sustain a strong friendship with your partner. Perfect. Let’s keep going.

Making Time for Each Other

Making time for each other is very important.

I repeat. Making time for each other is very important.

Think about your best childhood friend growing up. You probably remember spending a lot of hours just being around each other! Doing fun activities, talking about your goals and life dreams, and sitting around watching TV. Simple things, right?

And making time for each other may be difficult given that we’re adults with life stressors. I get it. I’m a mom, aunt, wife, sister, daughter, student, friend, and employee. I so get it.

There’s a lot we have to balance on any given day. However, when it comes to our relationships, if we want them to last, the truth remains the same. We must make time for our partner.

Something the Gottman research found is that couples who devote at least five hours a week on their relationship are happier with their relationship than all the rest.

I know what you’re thinking. FIVE HOURS?! That’s so much time!! But the reality is that you’ve got 168 hours in a week, and if you’re getting eight hours of sleep per night and working 50 hours per week, you’ve still got 62 hours left to dole out.

The solution is the Magic Five Hours (thanks, Gottmans!).

The Magic Five Hours are suggestions for small changes in your daily routine of working on your relationship which add up to five hours over a week. These five hours enhance emotional connection leading to deeper love.

1. Have a morning parting. When you and your partner say goodbye before leaving for the day, take two minutes to discuss what each of you must do during that day. This isn’t a contest to see who has a crazier day, but rather a way to show general interest and learn something about your partner and their experience. Spending these two minutes five days a week can lead to 10 minutes a week counting towards your magic five hours.
   

2. Have a daily reunion. When both of you are home, spend 20 minutes debriefing about your day. Again, this is not a contest, but rather the couple should approach this discussion with genuine curiosity. Talk about what went right, what went wrong, and then switch and listen. You may be surprised with what you learn about your partner. If your partner discusses how horrible their day went, providing some empathy (whether or not you agree with the bosses decision to write them up) will make your partner feel like you have their back leading to deeper intimacy.
   
   A word of wisdom… sometimes this is hard to do right when the two of you are walking in the door, when you, your partner, and your kids are all coming home at the same time and wanting to talk about the day. If you do wait a little bit to have this discussion, do it as soon as you can! Remember this is a reunion discussion! This should be a pleasurable experience and so if immediately after walking in the door feels overwhelming- schedule it for an hour after being home. Just be sure to acknowledge your partner when they get home. Spending 20 minutes discussing how your days went once your partner gets home counts towards one hour and forty minutes towards your five hours.
   

3. Share appreciation!!
   Appreciation is something that we also might give a lot to our friends but not necessarily our partners. We may think that we shouldn’t have to show appreciation (or even notice it for that matter) for things that must be done for daily functioning. Moreover, too often we might feel that we are taken for granted and therefore don’t even want to express appreciation for our partner.
   
   As terrible as it may sound to say out loud, we think that we are not appreciated and so we don’t express our appreciation for our partner.
   
   Spending five minutes a day, seven days a week to express one appreciation will enhance your relationship. Appreciation doesn’t have to be a monumental task that your partner did that day- it can be something like saying “Thanks for not giving me attitude when I asked you to take the trash out” or “I appreciate that you went to work today.” The bigger stuff is nice too, but even the small things are good to appreciate. Spending five minutes every day of the week adds up to 35 minutes a week towards your five hours.
   

4. Give affection!
   Simple, really. Just share affection five minutes per day for seven days a week. Maybe you do this already, or maybe you only have five minutes of affection once a month. Either way, adding affection into your daily routine with your partner is important for deepening love.
   
   Affection may look like being playful, holding hands, kissing, giving a back rub, or any time of physical appreciation for your partner. Think of how nice it would be to get a back rub from your partner after a long day! It not only makes you feel more relaxed, it creates stronger connection for your relationship. If you add five minutes a day it adds 35 minutes to your magic five hours.
   

5. Go on a date.
   Personally, here is the real overwhelming task: date time. What makes this much easier is that date time doesn’t have to be going out of the house it is just alone time for you and your partner without interruptions. The recommended dose is two hours per week. This can be chopped up into different time frames, but I prefer to be a solid chuck.   

Volia! If you were able to do these suggestions, you’ve hit your five-hour quota for the week. It may feel exhausting at first, but the reward of a happier and healthier relationship (and feeling more connected to your partner) will make it fun pretty quickly.

A tip from the therapist for couples who are not doing any of these types of things currently, diving right into the five hours may feel overwhelming especially if you are currently emotionally distant. You may want to start with one or two things to try and add another suggestion each week until you are able to hit the five-hour mark.

Aside from the Magic Five Hours, I’ve included even more tips below for strengthening the friendship system in your relationship in order to deepen your love.

Updating Love Maps

Love maps are byproducts of spending time with you partner. Love maps are knowing the facts about your partner. It’s knowing who their favorite relative is, what they wanted to be when they grew up, where they want to retire, and what their most embarrassing moment is.

Love maps are having the space in your brain for your partner and feeling like they have space for you too. This is important as it makes your partner feel like they are known and matter to you and vice versa.

When we enter a relationship, we often learn these things about our partners, however, as time proceeds love maps can become outdated. Although our favorite relative may be the same, we may have had a new most embarrassing moment that we have not shared with our partner. This may seem like a small piece in the grand scheme of love, but updating your love maps leads to a stronger friendship system, which in turn leads to deeper love.

Building up Fondness and Admiration

Sharing fondness and admiration is the idea that you respect, well like, value, cherish, and are generally fond of your partner. Showing appreciation is one way to build fondness and admiration.

Another is being kind to your partner. Showing them the same level of respect and grace you would show your best friend.

For example, if your partner had a bad week and didn’t do anything to help around the house, you may think to yourself (or say to them) that they are being lazy and unhelpful. If it were your best friend who had a bad week you may think to yourself what can I do to help cheer them up? Being kind, gentle, showing empathy and appreciation are all ways to build fondness and admiration.

Turing Towards your Partner Instead of Away

This is a hard one. The basic idea here is that when we want to reach out to our partner, they will be there. This means that when we “turn towards” our partner, we’re not ignored.

We all have had moments when our partner may say something that we don’t really respond to. Things that they say which can irritate us or doesn’t feel worth our time to respond to.

Respond to it, anyway. That’s the long and short of turning towards.

When you’re not responding to your partner when they reach out (even if it feels silly) they’re feeling uncared for. It may not show immediately that they aren’t feeling cared for, but a lot of emotional distancing can occur when one person attempts to connect and the other turns away by ignoring. Being there for your partner when they want to talk creates a feeling of safety- that you’ll be there for them when the big stuff comes around because you’re there for the small day-to-day stuff.

The main takeaways from this post?

• Enhancing the friendship system of your relationship is very important to deepening love.

• Treating your partner the same way you would treat your best friend will allow intimacy to grow.

• Spending at least five hours with your partner each week, updating love maps, building fondness and admiration, and turning towards instead of away improve your friendship system.

• No matter what your current friendship system with your partner looks like, you can improve it!

One last and important thing to remember is that friendship doesn’t happen overnight. Friendship takes time, hard work, and dedication, but you and your partner are worth it. Integrating these suggestions into your relationship, no matter what the status of friendship and love, will help deepen love and keep your relationship happy and healthy.

And the very last thing is that if you’re unsure whether this is enough for you and your partner(s), you might either read up on the couples therapy and marriage counseling we offer (we specialize in conflict, infidelity, and communication). And if you’re just here before your session and wanting some additional information before you come in? We’ve got you covered with an overview of the first few sessions for couples work (couples counseling 101). Reach out if you have any questions!

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About the Author

Molly Lyons | Couples & Individual Counseling Intern

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and couples, and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a counseling intern at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings and completed additional training on LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

The Four Horsemen (of Relationships)

The Four Horsemen | An Overview

Couples Therapy & Counseling, Marriage Counseling

Columbia, Mo and Jefferson City, Mo

When we talk about the four horsemen during couples counseling, we're not talking about the apocalypse. We're talking about four styles of communication that, when present within relationships (and especially conflict) at a certain ratio, predict the eventual dissolution of that relationship.

Basically, when conversations start with the four horsemen (or harsh startup, which is something different yet related), there’s a higher chance that couples will negatively react. In research-y language, we call it negative affect reciprocity. In laypeople language, we call it negatively reacting to your partner. Once it starts, we expect that the immediate response (from one’s partner) will include one or more or the four horsemen and that if left unchecked, it’ll snowball, keep snowballing, and then lead to a higher likelihood of unhappiness, dissolution, separation, or divorce. Because that’s ultimately what the horsemen are about - predicting relationship dissolution.
*I’d also be remiss if I didn’t give full credit where credit is due. In no way, shape, or form, did I think of or come up with the four horsemen on my own. You can thank John and Julie Gottman for that, two gurus in the couples thearpy world. Yours truly utilizes the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach with couples counseling (because it’s the best there is).

What are the four horsemen, exactly? Also, why should I care?

Well, I’m happy you’ve asked!

The four horsemen are criticism (i.e. you’re selfish, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate), defensiveness (i.e. “YOU didn’t do the dishes, either!!”), stonewalling (i.e. body shut down, mostly perpetrated by men although females do the same thing), and contempt (i.e. scorn, dismissive, eye rolling). Contempt is the most corrosive and toxic (especially when it’s from males to females <-specific to heterosexual relationships, but it’s toxic in all relationships).
*Those super brief parenthetical descriptions are hardly even considered a tip of the iceberg for describing the horsemen, so please click on each one to read more.

One of our favorite things about marriage counseling and couples therapy is that for every 'problem,' there's a 'solution.' With that said, it's not up to the counselor to 'fix' the relationship. I would go so far as to say that it has little, if anything, to do with the counselor. Yes, obviously, the counselor is there to help you and your partner learn how to really connect, fight, and feel understood, but counselors can’t force anybody to actually do the work. That’s what I’m trying to get at by saying it’s not up to the counselor to ‘fix’ the relationship. Ultimately, each party in the relationship has a high level of responsibility for engaging in the process and for maintaining the changes made.

Why do I need couples counseling for this?

Changes don't happen overnight. Well, technically, they can, but consistency with the new ways of being in your relationship takes time (and practice). And there's a huge (HHUUGGEEE) difference between knowing something/reading something/learning something and actually implementing it (read: you might know what to do, but do you do it?).

We can't even tell you how many times we've heard some variation of, "This is so hard!" once a person starts to engage in new types of dialogue. It's simple, but it's definitely easy to do. Especially if it's a hot button issue or topic.

This is why relationship counseling is important. Not only can your counselor help you identify your horsemen, but can also help you find new (and non-horseman-y) ways of saying what you need and want to say, and we'll be sure to introduce you to the antidotes to the horsemen, which are critical to relationship success!

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About the Author

Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a practicing counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri, and a supervisor for provisionally licensed professionals in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara earned her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, relationships, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyles and mental health, and building a private practice (solo and group). 

Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, 101

It’s hard enough to get in the door for couples therapy or marriage counseling. WE GET IT. Not only do we understand on a personal level, as many of our team have done their own counseling work (what good counselor hasn’t?), but we also understand because we hear what clients say. It’s anxiety-provoking coming in and opening up to, in essence, a stranger. Albeit a well-trained and (hopefully) approachable stranger, but still a person who you don’t really know.

This is in large part why we want people to know what they expect when they come into The Counseling Hub for couples therapy or marriage counseling.

Read on, my friend, and find out if you're in the right place.

1. Couples assessment is key.

This is hard to overemphasize. And it probably seem silly, but it’s really important.

Long and short of it is this. The first two sessions are spent on formal (and informal) assessment (this is in line with Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach, which is who/what we love and is super effective). It’s not uncommon for me to hear about people who have had previous couples counseling that included no assessment period and straight to “solutioning” the problem. This is wrong on so many levels and for a variety of reasons. One main reason for this is that we don’t even fully know what the problem is, so how can we expect to jump straight into a solution?

We can’t.

It's crucial that you and your partner have a rich, thorough assessment first. Think about it like this. Would you want to go to a doctor with a hurt arm, have them look at it from the outside (but not really touch it and not take any scans), and then tell you it's sprained?

Probably not.

Would you want to go to a chiropractor and have your back “fixed” without them doing an x-ray or at least feeling around for what the problem is, including asking about symptoms?

Probably not.

So why would you want to go to a couples counselor and jump straight into “fixing” something if your counselor hasn’t taken enough time to actually find out what the issue is?!

You shouldn’t want that.

Ideally, you'd want your counselor to do the right “testing” to make sure of a) the problem(s), and b) how to approach the problem(s) in a way that’s efficient and gets straight to the root(s).

This is why we do that thorough assessment. If we're not doing one, then we end up doing you (and your relationship) a huge disservice, as well as wasting your time, money, and energy.

2. You and your partner are going to talk.

This one is funny because clients are often surprised by it.

After the assessment and feedback period, you and your partner are doing the vast majority of talking... wait for it... TO EACH OTHER!!

Yes, you read me right. The talking that goes on in the sessions is between you and your partner (the vast majority of the time). The counselor role is to help you navigate the conversations in such a way that you each feel understood, validated, and safe. Our role is to help you dive deep wherever you need to (most clients don’t recognize the opportunities, especially

The philosophy behind this is that you and your partner are going to be on your own (i.e. without the counselor) once you leave, so we want you to actually learn how to do this. We don't want you to talk to us about your partner, especially when they're right there - we want you to talk to each other.

I could go one about this for days, but I'll leave it at that. Ask me if you have questions, though. ;)

3. You decide the destination, but we help with the navigating.

You and your partner might have hot button topics in your relationship, you might have recent fights, you might have old fights with wounds that still haven't healed, and you might have a lack of connection between the two of you. And that could just be the start of it.

We, as couples therapists and marriage counselors, don't care what you talk about, as long as it’s emotionally relevant for you.

Basically, we care that you talk about things that need to be talked about, but that doesn't mean we care what those things are. Does that make sense?

For example, if you need to talk about that time your partner didn't like your spaghetti, we're cool with that! So long as it's actually important and/or meaningful for you, or that you’re still angry/upset/hurt by it. You want to talk about the time that you thought about leaving? Perfect, as long as it’s still relevant/emotional/hard/distressing/important.

We don't care what you talk about in that it can be any topic that's important to you (read: the counselor doesn't choose the topic). This sounds easy enough, in theory, but can be tricky to navigate when you’re sitting on the couch. You might think, “What are we going to talk about?”

And, regardless of what the topic is, we'll have a way of helping your process and make sense of it (it = the fight, the disconnection, the lack of seeing eye to eye, etc.).

And that's that.

I've got nothing else to add. We love relationships of any shape and size. While the language we use frequently implies one partner, please note that we work with consensual non-monogamous relationships, as well.

Partner on, my friends!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri, and an almost doctor (finishing up her PhD). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice. 

You Know What To Do, But Do You DO It?

Here's the scenario. I'm in session with a couple and we start an intervention that requires stating things from a personal perspective for one person and listening and summarizing for the other (without giving their interpretation or jumping into why). Easy peasy, right?

WRONG. 

Here's another scenario. I'm doing supervision with students and I say, "Focus more on (counseling microskill) with client x" and students says, "I do that!" So we watch their recorded session and they find out what I've suspected the whole time - there's little evidence that they're doing the thing they thought they were doing (say that five times fast!).

Are you getting my point, yet? 

It's simple, really.

My point is that knowing something is absolutely not the same thing as doing it.

Theory vs. Application

If I were to tell you to go watch a breakdancing video (seriously, they're pretty amazing) and then do what they're doing on the screen, you'd probably give me a look like I'm an idiot. Rightfully so. Most people can't do the things that breakdancers can. 

Or, even better, if I were to say, "Hey, friend, go watch Bobby Fischer play a game of chess and then see if you can beat him!" Again, you'd look at me like I was an idiot. Because, at some level, you know you can't beat him by not practicing the game on your own. Realistically, the majority of the population can't beat him because, I mean, he was one of the greats. 

Why, then, if I say, "Hey, we're going to adopt a new way of communicating with each other," am I frequently met with, "I already know how to do that?" You'd be shocked at how many people think they know how to do it and then, when the time comes to actually do it, have to think really hard about how to say something, about setting aside their own agenda, and about being fully present for what their partner is saying. 

It's not a given skill to have - it's learned and gets better with practice.

I also don't know why people think it's just a natural thing they can do (some can, but most cannot), but my speculation is that it's just 'talking' and 'listening.' Allegedly, those things are 'easy' to do. 

Again, WRONG.

Knowing something is one thing. Actually being able to successfully do it? That's something else entirely.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not removed from this. I mess up all the time, in fact (just ask my husband). I say things wrong, I claim to be listening when I'm not, and I assume that I'm doing the thing I set out to do.

Doing things wrong isn't the issue. The issue is when we do it wrong, but think we're doing it right, and then make it seem like the other person is the one with the problem (because we haven't messed anything up!!). This ties back in with owning your stuff, actually. 

Practice

I'm writing this because I've been thinking about students and clients a lot lately (all the time, really), and I'm coming to find that people (myself included, at times) often think they're done when, in fact, they've just started. 

Long story short is this. 

We get better at things that a) we practice, and b) we get feedback on. The feedback piece is to actually make sure we're doing the thing we set out to do. We can't know how we're coming across unless we're recording ourselves or unless we have an outside perspective (*coughcough:: therapist::coughcough*) who's relaying back to us how we're coming across. OR giving us language that we don't have the experience to use. 

So, my point with this? You might think you're done, or that you've arrived, or that you're stellar at the thing you don't frequently practice but know all about, but you're probably not. Be open to that and embrace learning skills in a new way and with feedback (from a loving or supportive source). 

And I'm out.

Be well, my friends!

Conflict Avoidance by Listening (Easy as Pie)

Typical Fighting... Wanh Waaaaaanh

You know the song and dance...

Partner one says, "I'm upset about this thing that happened." Partner two says, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Partner one says, "You did xyz!" Partner two says, "That's only because you did abc!" And then the two careen into a fight that has no real beginning and no real end.

Both partners feel justified. Both partners feel vilified. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated.

IT SUCKS.

And while your fight may not look exactly like that, my guess is that it has its own path to destruction (e.g. somebody raises their voice, somebody shuts down, somebody name calls, somebody threatens divorce).

Here's the question I have for you, then.

If you could significantly cut down on any and all of the above by doing one simple thing, would you do it?

This thing isn't easy, necessarily, but it's pretty damn effective at avoiding the car crash of an argument that's waiting to happen between my partners one and two (see above).

Listening vs. Feeling Heard

Here's the long and short of it.

Listen to your partner until they feel heard (and before you say what you think).

I know, I know. "But I do listen to my partner!" Meh. Maybe? But, really, my guess is that you think you listen, but that doesn't mean your partner feels heard. This is a key distinction. Listening and feeling heard are not the same thing.

If you want to be heard in a conversation, you must (I repeat, must) listen first; listen until your partner feels understood and heard. You can check whether they feel heard by doing two simple things:

1. Summarizing what you hear them saying. Literally, paraphrase what they've shared and say it back to them.
2. Ask, "Am I understanding you correctly?" And, "Is there anything else?"

Once your partner, "Yes, that's it," then you say, "Great. I'm glad you feel understood. I'd like to share my thoughts and/or feelings and/or experience." And hopefully your partner feels comforted in being heard and then makes the space for you to share.

Boom. Recipe for a love connection.

That's just a joke, but seriously, this will help to ensure that both of you get a chance to share and be heard. And, again, this is simple, but I promise you it's not necessarily easy. Take some time to practice and make sure you share this with your partner so that they know what's going on!

Rock on, Wayne. Rock on, Garth.

Be well and good luck!

Engaging Emotionally with Your Partner

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

— M. Scott Peck

One of the most common themes I see between hetero couples (some same-gender couples, but lots of hetero) is that they are speaking two different languages.

Not literally, obviously, but they may as well be. Couples will come into session, feeling infuriated, misunderstood, and irritated with the other. She's upset because he's not listening. He's upset because she doesn't make any sense. They both are trying to say their piece, but aren't getting through to one another.

My couple sessions, especially, are Gottman style (to the extent possible - I'm not fully certified at this point, but I've done the Level 1 training and will be continuing with the other trainings to get fully certified). This means that one piece of the first session is to have couples engage in a 'conflict discussion.' I tell them that they're open to talk about any conflict in their life - they can get mad, they can stay calm, or they can sit and stare daggers at each other. I just want them to talk about something they disagree on so that I can assess the four horsemen and conflict style. Both of which are important (surprisingly, the content of an argument isn't important - it's the style and presence of the horsemen that are telling). SO - I have couples engage in conflict discussion and then, more often than not, I notice one thing. I mean, there's lots of things to notice, but this piece is usually one of the first to show up. It's when couples are firing right past each other without realizing what the other is trying to say.

For instance, she says that she doesn't like when he goes out with his family because his brother is a bad influence. She doesn't trust his brother. He responds by saying that he hasn't done anything stupid with his brother in five years and that she's living in the past. She says she knows he's right, but that she doesn't like it. He asks for an example regarding why she doesn't like it. And so on and so forth. No resolution. In this case, no hatred or vile anger - just not being on the same page.

Here's the common theme - it's emotion-focused coping versus solution-focused coping. 

Emotion-Focused 
This is about the feelings and thoughts behind an issue. It's the experience of the issue and there's no need to come to a solution. The solution is in the process, meaning that in talking about it, people feel better. This is what lots of women bring into the session (DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL WOMEN FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY - THIS IS A BROAD BRUSH STROKE). You can see this in the example above. She's trying to tell him that she's feeling nervous and uncomfortable about him going. She's heard his stories and doesn't like to think of him cavorting around as a single male. She's nervous.

Solution-Focused
If you couldn't already tell at this point, with hetero couples, this is where the men generally (not all the time) fall. And you can see it in the example above. He, on the other hand, doesn't understand why she doesn't trust his brother, why she's even talking about this, and why she won't hear him when he explains that she's mistaken. He's trying to solve each problem that she brings up by giving her responses to the content of what she's saying. 

Both parties are missing each other. 

The good news? This isn't really that big of a fix. I mean, it's habitual (probably partly genetic/biological and partly social), but it's not impossible, by any means, to change some things up and help both parties be heard even better.

Two quick things that can be done?

1. Emotion-focused coper can learn to clearly articulate the feeling of what they're going through, as well as clearly state that they don't need an answer or solution right away, they just want to talk about their feelings. 
2. Solution-focused coper can learn to refrain from offering solutions right away and, instead, allow for partner to share feelings. A step further might even be attuning to those feelings by saying things like, "Sounds like you're anxious. Tell me about it." Or, "I'm sorry you're nervous about this. I wish I knew how to help you."

Also important - after an emotion-focused coper feels heard, the cherry on the sundae is that the solution-focused coper can then share their solution! Yippee!! This can come in one of two ways - the emotion-focused coper can state or ask for a solution to their problem, or the solution-focused coper can ask, "Would you be open to a suggestion of mine? I'd love to help you out with this, but I want to make sure you're in a place you can hear it."

Both parties will be happier, feel more heard, and feel more engaged with each other, rather than feeling confused, mistreated, and upset.