How to Deal with Feeling Jealous of Others

The Starting Point: Why I’m Writing About Jealousy

First and foremost, because it’s a very common human experience. If there’s anything I can say about the counseling and therapy we do in Columbia Missouri, I can say this: humans are beautiful and consistent and simple and complex and multi-faceted and deep and all of the things that make them human. Secondly, the purpose of The Counseling Hub is to facilitate meaningful connection, which includes through talking about human experiences, period. This happens through our individual counseling and therapy, couples therapy and marriage counseling, and online counseling. It happens through our therapists and counselors who run the gamut from social workers to counselors to psychologists - we all strive to do this very thing: embrace the full experience of being human.

What is jealousy?

Okay, so when we’re talking about jealousy, there’s a couple of things that come to mind. FIrst, we see it as wanting something that somebody else has. This is pretty standard, in terms of how people understand and use this word. The second way of defining this is more about possessiveness. As in, one might feel possessive of something they perceive as ‘theirs’ (usually a person) and feel jealous that another person/entity is showing interest and [perceived] desire.

For the purposes of this blog, we’re focusing on the jealousy that happens when somebody else has something that we want.

The other kind of jealousy (jealousy over a person) is a different beast, entirely. What I’ll briefly say is that it has no places in healthy relationships, but that it can pop up in the recovery process of major betrayals (affairs, major secrets), which is less concerning than if it’s present in an unprompted way. Phew. That’s a mouthful.

I’ll also add the caveat that I’m not even introducing privilege into this conversation. What I’m wary of is that this is going to come across as a ‘bootstraps’ mentality, and what I don’t want to happen is for folks to read this and think that they should be in the same place Joe Schmo who got three legs up in life and/or that the three legs up didn’t have anything to do with his success. Not the intention.

One final caveat is that this isn’t a philosophical stance on jealousy. Whether or not we should be jealous isn’t something I’m interested in writing about right now (a discussion would be super interesting, though). It feels super important to note that, given that there’s philosophical beliefs about jealousy. The foundation for this blog is that people feel jealous, period. That’s my launching off point.

How normal is jealousy?

This is a great question, but one that’s context-dependent. If I said "50% is normal - that’s not helpful. Jealousy lives differently in each person (minimally to close to none in some people and excessively in others), so there’s no way to say what’s ‘normal’ for jealousy other than to say it’s a pretty global experience, although the level of jealousy is going to vary significantly from person to person.

Why do I feel jealous of others?

Well, look at the definition (I’m pointing this out because it’s also tied to the things you can do) - jealousy is about wanting something that somebody else has.

What this means is that we’re aware of something that we want, but we’re not in a place where we can have that thing. This makes me think about a related concept I read - something to the effect of artists knowing what good art is and being able to recognize that they’re not as skilled as what they’re aspiring to be, and so there’s this ambiguous/uncomfortable limbo period where they still engage in the practice, still continue to increase their skill, and still recognize that they have room to continue to develop. [Might be a concept from The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield, which is ironically a book I haven’t read in its entirety.]

My point is this.

It’s really freaking difficult when we have a ‘thing we want’ or ‘place we want to be’ or ‘station in life we want’ or ‘social location we’re striving for’ and we know we’re not there, and we also know there’s another person who has what it looks like we want.

Does jealousy mean I’m insecure?

No, not necessarily. Of course, I’m biased - I have feelings/thoughts/perceptions/values all my own, and so my biases are likely going to influence my thoughts here.

Jealousy can (and does) exist independently of insecurity. It is also true that jealousy can coexist with insecurity.

So, no, feeling jealousy doesn’t immediately “make” a person insecure.

There are people who feel both. There are people who feel one or the other. There are people who feel neither (that last bit is a joke - the vast majority of people feel both of these at some point throughout their life).

What does jealousy mean about me?

This is where things get fun.

Given the way we’re talking about jealousy, we’re given an immediate road to ‘meaning.’ At the risk of reiterating the same point over and over again, when we’re feeling jealous, it means that we’re acutely aware of what we have, what others have, and what we want. It’s the difference between where we are and where we want to go, coupled with somebody who’s living the life that we want or doing the thing that we want or in the relationship we want or on and on and on.

How does this give us an immediate road to ‘meaning,’ you ask? Because you have a goal shrouded in your jealousy. You have a destination wrapped up in the bitter taste of jealousy. You have a gold nugget ensconced in an jealous varnish. And I LOVE IT.

You know what you want when you’re jealous. At least, you know part of what you want. You might (read: probably) need to think deeper about the jealousy, but you at least have a direction that you know you want to move in. That shit is sacred, folks. Would you rather be floating endlessly through life with little to no sense of “ooh, there, I want to go there,” or would you rather have your eye on the thing you want, even though you know you’re not there yet?

[I fully recognize it’s more complex than this, but we’re keeping it simple here and I’m trying to stop myself from talking about three other major points that I want to bring up - trying to keep it tightly focused here.]

Well, that’s great I have a goal, but what can I do to stop feeling jealous? How do I stop feeling jealous of others?

Such a great question. There are three main things that come to mind, and they’re all a bit of trial and error.

• recognize, embrace, and dig into jealousy when it arises

• reassess your goals and whether you’re moving in the “right” direction

• reframe your jealousy to a compass for where you want to go

Recognize, Embrace, and Dig Into Jealousy When It Arises

This is easy, in theory, but difficult in practice. What makes it difficult is that this entails a) some/self-awareness, b) comfort with discomfort (assuming you think jealousy is uncomfortable), and c) a willingness to explore your internal landscape (yes, you have one).

Here’s the deal with this. You can’t do anything differently with the feeling you’re having unless you actually know it. As in, see it when it shows up, accept it rather than try to shut it down, and then actually investigate what it’s trying to tell you. A feeling arising isn’t an answer to why it’s there - it’s a starting point for investigation.

Reassess Your Goals and Whether You’re Moving in the “Right” Direction

I hate to be the bearer of uncomfortable news, but this is a bit of trial and error. If you feel jealousy at some given point in time, then (after recognizing, embracing, and digging in), you should take that knowledge and assess whether the goals you’ve set in life are the goals you’d like to keep moving towards.

Here’s the caveat (and it’s important). The hard thing about this is that people are constantly swayed by what they think they want, only to realize later that they chased some dream/job/person strictly because of jealousy. I sound ridiculous, but hear me out. Having and feeling jealousy doesn’t mean that the thing you feel jealous about is the exact thing that you want. It could mean that the person who loves their job and is kicking ass feels great, whereas you’re struggling to enjoy any task related to your job, and thus your jealousy is about the confidence and joy you see in the other person. The job may or may not provide you with that confidence, and thus your jealousy (which you could initially attribute to the job) isn’t necessarily about the job. This is why my first point is so important - if you don’t do recognize, embrace, and dig into jealousy, then you won’t be able to figure out what it’s trying to tell you.

Maybe the long and short of this is to break down the variables that seem like they’re part of the ‘thing’ you’re after, and then assess whether you want to shift toward or continue toward that ‘thing.’

Reframe Your Jealousy as a Compass for Where You Want to Go

This is kind of similar to the second point (assessing your goals), but this feels slightly different in that the goal here isn’t to assess anything. It’s simply to start thinking about jealousy as a marker for self-assessment (i.e. “reframe”) rather than some "green-eyed monster.” Yes, left unchecked, that shit will morph into a green-eyed monster. Assessed, though? Meh, it’s more like a mostly cuddly kitty who scratches you when you’ve ignored it for too long.

Basically, instead of seeing it as bad, start to think about it as functional and useful. Jealousy is very telling. NOT telling in terms of “telling others what to do to make you feel better, but telling in terms of helping you to understand what’s significant in life and where you want to go.

PHEW, folks, that’s all I got. Jealousy is super interesting, and I’m hoping that this gives you food for thought, a few pointers, and/or answers a question you might have had.

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About the Author

Dr. Tara Vossenkemper, LPC

Tara Vossenkemper is the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a group counseling practice in Columbia Missouri. Tara has a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision and is an LPC and approved supervisor in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, but is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples on the brink of divorce and are making one final attempt, couples who are looking to decrease or enhance toxic conflict (excessive or nonexistent), and who want to relearn healthy and effective communication. She's been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

pronouns: she/her

Online Counseling/Online Therapy for Anxiety

What is online counseling/online therapy? I keep hearing these terms…

I’ll start by saying that our counseling team in Columbia, Mo offers both individual counseling and therapy as well as couples therapy and marriage counseling via an online format. And I’ve gone into this a handful of times over the past few weeks (an overview here, faqs here, and an online couples therapy and marriage counseling blog here), but I’ll offer a little bit of clarity before diving into how it can be useful for anxiety therapy.

Online counseling/online therapy is, quite literally, counseling/therapy done via an online video format. We use a platform that links up with an app for clients and also gives clients the option of using their laptop or computer for sessions. We basically ask that folks just find a private space, use headphones (if doing individual work), and make sure they have internet connection. And that’s about it!

Is online counseling/online therapy an effective for treating anxiety?

You can guess my answer to this question, but I’ll say it anyway.

YES. Absolutely yes. With some caveats. If you’re coming in for generalized anxiety or social anxiety, then this is absolutely an avenue that can (and, ideally, should) be effective for treatment. What we offer is coping and treatment for people who struggle with more generalized anxiety, whether this is from an existential crisis, quarter-life crisis, related to body image or self-esteem, or besties (#sarcasm) with shame and guilt.

If you’re looking for online counseling/therapy for selective mutism, separation anxiety, or panic disorder, then it would make more sense to be in person and with somebody who distinctly specializes in that type of work. Additionally, obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (although note considered anxiety disorders at this point) should be addressed through more specific approaches. If you want or need referrals for folks who do that work, we’re happy to help you! Email us directly and we’ll make some relevant recommendations for you.

Can anxiety be cured with therapy or counseling?

This is a loaded question.

Yes (sorta) and no, but the answer really depends on how you experience anxiety and how you think about anxiety.

If you’re experiencing an acute form of anxiety for the first time in your life and you’re just very confused about what’s happening and why, then yes, it makes sense that some counseling and therapy could help to “cure” your anxiety.

However, if you’ve been experiencing anxiety for years on end with little to no relief, then probably not. It makes sense that we can lower your anxiety, yes. It makes sense that we can learn to manage anxiety, yes. It even makes sense that we can help you to feel better about your anxiety, yes.

But to cure it entirely after you’ve been experiencing it for years and years on end? No, probably not.

And with all that said, there’s also the whole philosophical stance that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience!!!

Big hint for you (if it’s not obvious) is that our online counseling/online therapy approach embraces this, much in the same way our in-person counseling/therapy does. Basically, anxiety is embedded in our DNA. It’s part of being alive and relishing the life you live. To have zero anxiety is a pretty big (and improbable) ask. To have a level that’s able to be joyfully lived with? That’s more realistic (and still hard for some people to attain).

All that said, we’ll do everything we can to help you find your happy level of anxiety. Yes, such a thing can (and often does) exist.

Okay, but can anxiety be cured with online therapy or online counseling?

I’m pretty much going to say the same thing as the section above. Yes (sorta) and no. Yes, depending on the type of anxiety. No, depending on the type of anxiety. And also some anxiety is part of the human experience.

Boom. Roasted. #TheOfficeForever

How long does anxiety therapy take (including online therapy for anxiety)?

Meh. It’s hard to say. Here’s a quick formula for you. Simplified, but based on research.

Therapy > No Therapy

More Therapy > Less Therapy

In essence, you should see an impact in your life relatively quickly. However (and how detailed can I get here?), seeing a change or two or three in your life doesn’t equal long-term success. What we really want to see is a change (or multiple changes) combined with sustainability and maintenance. The hard part about this is that you’ll feel ‘push back’ on changes at different intervals.

Think of it this way. Did you see the movie Cars? As a total side note, I freaking love that movie. I cry every time in the end when Lightning McQueen gives up his win for The King (#spoiler). It’s just so touching (hence the tears)!

My point, though, is that in the movie, Lightning has to repave the road that he destroys in Radiator Springs before heading to California for his big race. Repaving the road wasn’t planned. It was an accident, but he’s kind of a jerk in the beginning of the movie, so you don’t feel too bad for him when he gets stuck.

So, he starts repaving the road while basically hating his life. Stuck in “hillbilly hell” repaving a road (that he has to get done within the week) while missing out on the life he wants to be living. Let’s pause real quick and think about the parallels to anxiety. Feeling stuck and unhappy, and wanting to anywhere but lost in the feeling you’re having. It’s intense.

So then, Lightning gets the bright (read: terrible) idea to repave it lightning (#Heyo) fast. Another spoiler, in case you haven’t seen the move: it doesn’t work. The small amount of road he paved slowly is smooth, but the vast majority of the rest is super bumpy and not really drive-able.

Let’s pause and parallel counseling/therapy again, shall we? RUSHING THE PROCESS DOESN’T WORK. Simple enough.

Ultimately, he slows his roll (#OnPointWithMyPuns), makes social connections and forges meaningful relationships, starts to value where he is while still having a bigger goal for himself, and realizes it’s not so bad. In essence, he submitted to the experience and process while trusting that his work would get him through.

One last time, counseling/therapy parallel. I’m sure you can guess, but I’ll clarify. Submitting to the process doesn’t mean giving up control forever. It simply means accepting where you currently are, making the most/best of it while creating meaningful relationships, and still working towards a bigger goal. This is therapy. This is counseling. This is why we don’t rush the process and also why we don’t try to fix things quickly. There are more reasons, but the above highlights some.

What if I get anxiety before my therapy/counseling session?

Welcome to the club! Sounds kind of wild, but it’s not uncommon that people feel nervous, anxious, or downright scared before their counseling or therapy session.

I mean, think about it. At what other point in your life do you walk into somebody’s (virtual) office and bare your soul? We’re talking no-holds-barred, vulnerable af, open, honest, and raw conversation. That is HARD. It is legitimately difficult to do. It’s not something for the feint of heart, and it sure as hell isn’t easy. To clarify, you don’t have to do this right away! This is something we work up to and you do when you have a sense of safety and trust with your clinician.

At the exact same time, it’s refreshing, relieving, empowering, and can lead to growth you didn’t know or think possible. There’s something really sacred in that space, but all of that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s terrifying for people. This is more the case for folks who are coming for the first time, starting with a new clinician, or are restarting after having a bad experience with another clinician (yes, this happens and no, we don’t like it happening).

I want to start online anxiety therapy/counseling. Now what?

Simple answer. You can email us directly to get something on the books, you can call us at 573-586-3204, or you can submit your contact information by clicking the link below and we’ll get back to you asap! Kudos to you for taking this big step, as a side note. Getting started can be hard for folks. Be well and happy counseling!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Individual Counselor & Therapist, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor | Columbia, Mo

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and practicing counselor/therapist with The Counseling Hub with a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision (earned from the nationally recognized UM - Saint Louis counselor education program). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Emily | End of Year Reflection

Honestly, if I was going to pick any year of my life to reflect on, it would be this past year. Hands down.  2019 was the year of transition. It was transition and sudden change and everything in between. I’ve been thinking about writing this for the past couple of days and was constantly set back in my thoughts of, “how can I even put words to the experience of the last year?” or “I feel too many things where do I even start to reflect?”  I’m a feeler.  And right now, I could probably benefit from looking at the feelings wheel (which, if you’ve ever been in session with me, you will be familiar with because it’s amazing and I use it often). But honestly, it just reminded me that I ultimately feel grateful.  Grateful that I have so much to reflect upon and explore within my life.

Jumping On The Ride

            The past year has felt like a lot of things, but what I keep coming back to is the experience of riding a rollercoaster (sounds cliché, I know).  Especially one that you’ve never ridden but have seen and felt immense fear to even go near in the past.  The beginning of 2019 was like that moment where you finally decide to go all in and get in line. Everything that I had been working towards for the past decade (really my whole education) was about to be put into practice as I started my internship and began wrapping up my counseling graduate program. Even when I type this out I’m reminded of the moment I was about to see my very first client and the amount of “oh wow, this is really happening” level of fear that I felt. It was the point of the rollercoaster where you feel your stomach drop and accomplish your very first big hill on the track. 

There was really no avoiding it—no matter how scared or doubtful or nervous I was to get myself out there, it was the risk that made it all worth it. It took practice to actively be vulnerable and sit with the hard feelings.  When I got on that ride, it was almost as if everything happened at once.  It’s been a whole year of being out in the counseling field and truly a year has never gone so fast in my whole entire life. Now that the year is over, I’m left with an afterglow type of feeling that feels proud and accomplished in the courageous moments. It makes me think, “hmm, what else can I try in the future?”  It was in no way a perfect ride, nor should (or could) it have been.  But it was an experience that was unique to me and my life story.  Every session, supervision, meeting, blog, note, class, paper, reflection, served a specific purpose in my growth this past year. And if I’m being completely honest, as scared as I was to actually start my counseling career and leave my classroom comfort zone, it has been by far the most rewarding journey I’ve embarked on. Now when I look at that rollercoaster, I get excited and feel grounded in the fact that, yeah, it’s going to be real scary sometimes.  But in the end, it will all be worth it.  No matter what, there is something to be learned from moments of vulnerability.

Cue the Highlight Reel

The counseling arena of my life was definitely the highlight of my year.  Not only did I start internship, but I finally **finnnnnnnnnnallly* graduated. For me, this was a huge accomplishment because I was never one that vibed well with school in the past.  Don’t get me wrong, I tried and I showed up and I was present, but I was not really present in the way that school required.  If you would have told me five years ago that I would be graduating from a Master’s program and about to start my dream job, I would have seriously thought that you were joking.  It took a lot of hard work, sacrifice, crying, feeling, late nights, and self-reflection, to get to the point of walking across that stage.  But it happened! I realized that I’m stronger than I think I am and I feel like that’s important for people to remember.  You are strong! If you are reading this right now: You have made it to here by no shear luck alone, you did that. You made it.  Sometimes even just making it through a tough week, or surviving a terrible breakup, or persevering to finish a paper, can serve as an act of strength.

Congruency

I learned a lot in 2019 that was applicable to life, but what the lesson that really drove it all home for me was the idea that conflict or confrontation can be (and totally is) a healthy aspect of growth in your relationships (romantic, friendships, family, yourself!, etc.).  At this point last year I was still absolutely conflict avoidant and terrified of any type of negative interaction with my peers. Don’t get me wrong, it was something that I experienced and processed, but never in a positive light.  But what I realized was that while conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a chance to deepen and understand the connection.  If there is no conflict, what is changing? Is there opportunity to grow together rather than apart? Is this a chance to be honest that might be missed otherwise?  I had never realized that most of the time when I was being avoidant of conflict I was really just not expressing my needs in fear that the other entity would reject or not be able to sit with them. I was missing out on chances to be truly transparent and congruent…honest.  Earlier this year in one of my courses, a professor was talking with us about the importance of being ‘congruent’ and what it looks like in the counselor role.  The idea that you are your most true self and your actions and thoughts aligned with that sense of self.  I found myself reflecting on the fact that if I was not speaking my truth and using my voice in my relationships, was I being congruent?  It took (and continually takes) practice to be comfortable with the fact that valuable lessons can be uncomfortable and challenging. Most of the time, the most valuable lessons are the most challenging. It’s a balance between acknowledging the uncomfortable and relishing the comfort.

Hello, Old Friend 2018 Emily

This next year is a new decade…let me say that again… DECADE.  How surreal is that?  Now is definitely the time for new beginnings and for fresh opportunities. I keep thinking about how much can change in one year, and now just thinking about a whole decade?! Talk about change.  With every new year comes a chance to start over and do something new.  A chance to take a risk and move forward (or backward if need be—it may be necessary to take a step back from something if it may be hindering). If I could go back and tell 2018 Emily anything, it would be to be honest.  Be honest with others and even more so with yourself.  So many times this past year I was not honest with the people around me and ended up sacrificing my own needs and feelings.  When in reality, what if the people around me could have given a sense of insight I wouldn’t have once had? In turn, I was not truly being honest with myself or really understanding what was happening when I was in need of something. This came with unset boundaries and loss of possible self-care opportunities. I think that the Emily a year ago needs to hear that saying “no” and being able to stick to what she says in terms of boundaries is a form of self-care that she is missing but could truly benefit from. Someone shared a quote recently that said, “Have the courage to say what you need in the moment. Most people aren’t mind readers. Two things will happen: You’ll either get what you need or realize that the source you are asking doesn’t have the capacity to deliver. Both are gifts.” Written by the lovely Jada Pinkett Smith. This quote felt necessary to mention when reflecting on lessons learned throughout the past year and I really struck a chord. Most people aren’t mind readers! I constantly forget that, especially being a person that feels allllll the feelings. My 2018 self really would have benefitted from hearing this quote.

Thank You, 2019

Regardless, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the point of giving advice to my past self if I hadn’t of gone through the sequence of events that happened in 2019.  Again, it comes back to balance; balance of being grateful for things that transpired and the way that they did, but still feeling obligated to come up with better solutions and pushing a lesson. I feel it will do me best to “just be” as previous professor used to always tell me. There is beauty in the ability to just be. As 2020 approaches, I’m feeling very excited and driven to take on all the emotions, obstacles, challenges, and opportunities that present themselves—high risk or low risk. Sending good vibes to everyone as they take on this new decade

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Emily Lind | CIT | Individual Counseling

Emily recently graduated from the Master of Education in Counseling program at Stephens College, here in Columbia, MO.  She is active in the student led Stephens Counseling Association, and is also a part of the American Counseling Association (ACA). Prior to graduate school, Emily received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at the University of Missouri (Columbia). Emily enjoys working with both adolescents and adults as they process their growth through counseling. She collaborates best with individuals looking to embrace their true identity, find their inner confidence, recognize innate strengths, and find a way to effectively cope with transitions, depression, and anxiety. Emily is eager to experience and train for working with couples and families, a scope of her practice that will have a clear advantage based on her early childhood education experience.

Tim | End of Year Reflection

Upon starting this blog, I was really struggling to decide the topics I would cover. This is a reflection, and it should be easy for me to find a couple of topics to go over for the past year. It turns out that the struggle tends to be where to focus. 2019 has been a busy year on the work front and in my personal life. That’s not to say that there is a lot of trouble in 2019, but to give credit to how many things I thought were accomplished.

I think I mentioned in my reflection from 2018 that there were a couple of additions to my home. I will still reflect on them positively, but I don’t think I realized how much of an impact they would have on my life. These new relationships become more demanding over time and tend to take up more space in my life. This can be overwhelming. I realized that taking advantage of every time that I have to enjoy myself should be first nature, no matter where these enjoyable experiences. My responsibilities have become demanding, just as I have worked towards. I’ve spent more time focused on what I need to do in order to become “successful,” even at times sacrificing other priorities. When looking back at the year, I almost begin to feel guilty about these things that I have set aside to feel more confident about myself and my role as a friend, partner, and provider.

Change

These previous statements could easily have you guessing that I need to change the way I approach my responsibilities. However, I’m not sure that I do. I have a lot of personality and a lot of energy tied up in what I do for work and hobbies. These things are important to me and provide me happiness elsewhere. I really believe I would be miserable without it. I think I cycle through this feeling of guilt and this understanding that I need to work hard at what I love. It’s difficult to understand how you come across to others at times, but I know I’m a happier person when I’m improving. Whether the improvements be at work or with my relationships, my pride and feeling of accomplishment becomes very apparent to me (and others, I imagine).

In this way, I am healthier to be around. I’ve allowed myself to set boundaries that I was once uncomfortable with. I’ve felt more confident about my approach to others, truly believing that the way I am operating is the best way for me and the most beneficial to others. That’s one thing that always stuck out to me. I’ve witnessed situations where people want to be better to others. They don’t care what it takes, but they want to be liked. I feel like I’ve finally decided that I’m much better for others if I am taking action on finding my own happiness versus trying to make sure they were happy. In the future, I see my growth still leaning towards being authentic versus censoring myself for others. This is still something I’d love to work on and don’t feel like there needs to be a stopping point.

I’ve just discovered that how I feel directly relates to the way I treat others. I want others to be happy around me, and even more so if I’m happy as well. I want to feel like those around me enjoy themselves. It’s odd for me to process through this, as it has been obvious and mostly unacknowledged for the majority of the year.

Growth In All Directions

I’ll continue to reflect in broad terms when addressing the growth around me. It seems that the growth I’ve witnessed this past year has been across all fronts. This is difficult, given that change can be a struggle, but I definitely look back at it with reasons to celebrate. Witnessing our team grow at The Counseling Hub, I couldn’t help but look at it as an opportunity to grow clinically and a reason to remain confident in my abilities and the abilities of others. If I’m feeling confident, I usually find myself thinking about relationships and connections that I can learn from. The growth of these relationships has not only benefited us as a practice, but are very significant for myself. I enjoy having conversations with new people, and that opportunity is always presenting itself.

Growth at home looks much different. It’s a different type of growth, but it is still very satisfying on a personal level. My oldest, a large, rambunctious, adolescent dog, has become much more of partner to whoever is home with him. Training in the earliest part of this past year has helped so much and reminded us that we need to keep him busy. It’s a lot of simple games, but he tends to avoid trouble when he is performing tasks. Imagine that!! He is attached to us and is very protective, which can be very frustrating as going to the restroom alone happens very infrequently anymore. However, I always find myself remaining thankful for the presence and excitement that he brings to our home. He is a protector and through one minor sickness this year, we were reminded of how much we care for him and his bumbling through our home with less grace than we thought possible.

My daughter has developed into a very social child that has altered most of what I believed my future would look like. I don’t feel that I’ve (we’ve) given much up for her. Instead, I feel that we’ve been given much more opportunities for joy and new experiences. The experiences, or growth with a positive spin, are not always enjoyable. Continued growth has come with surprises and laughs that continue to brighten the way we move through life at home. It also comes with worry as any first-time parents would experience. It’s been a ride, and I think I’m right where I would like to be.

Through these experiences, I’ve been reminded that my positivity is so much more important than I imagined. Items can be replaced, and there is no need to damage a relationship due to the stress that comes with the loss and damage of the items that we covet. These small inconveniences caused by true inexperience are easy to forgive. This period is transitional and not permanent. There is no need for me to interpret this as a stressful time in my life. I want to look back and remember the humor and positive growth, rather than to focus on the setbacks. Of course, it’s easier to see this now. I’m not sure I had this view earlier in the year, but I’m glad I’m able to reflect on this with this attitude. Realizing that I can give energy to certain thoughts and refrain from energizing negative thoughts has been relaxing. That’s a newer idea for me, as I tend to move from thing to thing in order to stay busy. Given that I’ve had time to sit and think, I definitely have to continue to remind myself that I can have more control than I’ve allowed myself in previous times.

Moving At My Own Pace

Hurried growth for me is difficult to maintain and handle, whether it is personal or professional. It comes with more frequent setbacks and I think the positive outlook, along with patience, has allowed me to not feel defeated. I’m still a mess at time, but I’m starting to believe that my “mess” is actually organized chaos. I’m happy with the tasks that I have and when I’m unable to take time to reflect, I have a much different view. I can begin to feel overwhelmed, until I realize that I have everything I need and am continuing to grow in many areas of life. I also find comfort in this change, given that most of the changes around me are growth, therefore appearing more positive and easier to accept.

While approaching the end of this reflection, I have come to realize that it is much more difficult to reflect accurately when thinking about the busy that comes with the holiday season. It’s important to understand that this time of year can be exactly what you want it to be. This is a time for family, but all families look different and families can appear in many different groups. I’ve tried to keep in mind that I should connect meaningfully with those that I enjoy. We’re told to enjoy the holidays, so we should be allowed to take the necessary steps to ensure that this is truly a time we enjoy. Set those boundaries and spend that quality time with those you love! Engage in activities that are enjoyable and allow yourself to decline an invitation if it is overwhelming! Keep in mind that many obligations we have were self-decided. While I made the decision to engage, I’ve also exercised my right to engage in self-care. It’s important to make decisions that are for you rather than decisions that are made for others around us. I, mistakenly, have been consumed with this tense feeling that accompanies the holiday rush and that pulled me away from much of what I typically enjoy. It initially made the reflection more difficult.

 This year is coming to a close without many regrets and I’m thankful that this is my situation. I’ve gone into many new years thinking that I could’ve done more, and I finally feel like I am in a great position. I’m looking forward to further growth and continuing to build on the relationships that I have established. I’m looking forward to continuing to take time to focus on my family and my interests in order to feel less resentful about the obligations that I have. It’s important to be able to find balance in life, and I feel like I’m approaching this goal consistently and at a satisfying pace.

Looking at it now, I’ve realized that this reflection helped to refocus myself on the things that matter most to me. Closing out 2019 is an exciting idea for me! New goals, not necessarily resolutions, are in my thoughts for 2020. I feel like I’m embracing these goals more than I have in previous years. I’m encouraged, and I hope there are similar feelings around me.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TIM FITZPATRICK

PLPC | INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.

Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.

Reflection Over the Year: Tara

I’ve been thinking about this post for a few weeks now, and it’s legit taken that long to finally put fingers to keyboard (or pen to paper, for those old enough to remember writing things out - ha [for the record, I prefer hand writing things]).

It’s either that I haven’t had the mental space to sit and reflect (for real - highly possible). Or it’s that I’ve been reflecting, but it’s been taking place quietly without my conscious intention (frequently my norm) - “percolating” is how I reference this phenomenon. Or it’s that it hasn’t felt over yet. As in, there’s still been loose ends to wrap up, so the year hasn’t felt over yet. Basically, that I’ve just been in it, and I haven’t actually been able to reflect because how do you reflect on something that you’re still wrapped up in, ya know? I mean, realistically, it’s a combo of all of the above.

This year has been the year of paradox and cultivation.

 I couldn’t decide on just one word. And these two don’t feel like enough, but they’re a good start.

Connected and Lonely

That main paradox is that I feel both deeply connected,but also immensely isolated and lonely. The isolated and lonely piece is almost fully wrapped up in being a group practice owner and entrepreneur (I hate that word, but it’s accurate). Before moving to Columbia, I lived in St. Louis (up until late 2016), and in addition to my part-time practice, I contracted with a group practice there (#LoveYouStillChangeInc). Ryan, the owner, and I became very good friends, and I still remember that time fondly. I also remember that he always seemed super busy, but I didn’t get why. I mean, he had a practice, so what was the big deal? He couldn’t have that much to do, right?

WRONG.

Having shifted into a similar (albeit, less busy) role, I realize how much I didn’t know. That’s neither here nor there, but my point is that it’s lonely. It’s hard to explain what I do (seeing clients is just one of my ‘roles’) to people who aren’t doing it. And that’s the plight of many people, I understand. I’m not trying to paint a woe-is-me picture. I’m simply trying to say that being in this position, as much as I freaking love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything (at this point - ask me again in 30 years) is also isolating. It feels relatively unique to be a group practice owner with a small child, and that uniqueness is also isolating.

At the exact same time, I’m more connected to legitimately amazing people than I ever have been in my life. This year has been un-freaking-believable with the amount of brilliant people I’ve met and developed relationships with. Seriously.

I’m surrounded by women (and some men, but mostly women for me) who are rockstars like you wouldn’t even believe. Group practice owner badasses, mompreneurs, wicked smart business women - all of it. I’m blown away on a weekly basis by the sheer amount of passion these women have, support they give, and brilliance they encompass. Blown. Away.

And I haven’t even started on my random group of mom friends.

First of all, stop judging, judgy mcjudgerson!! I know how that sounds. “Mom friends.” I hate that I’m even that person.

Second of all, yes, mom friends. I’m part of ONE (see?!) closed facebook group of moms (we were all due the same month) and, jeez, they’ve been a source of connection and support beyond what I ever thought was possible on the internet.

But even beyond that group, there are four women from this group who I’ve developed friendships with even further. Technically, we’ve developed friendships with each other. And, frankly, I’m a bit blown away by the amount of kinship I feel with women I’ve never met in person (#MySalties). We’ve messaged, texted, had group video calls, exchanged secret santa gifts, and disclosed way more about our personal lives than I care to admit here.

And it strikes me as ironic (paradoxical, amiright?!) that I can feel both of these things so strongly. Way isolated and way connected. What a freaking wild ride.

Cultivating

The other theme for me is that this year has been one of cultivating.

OH MY GOSH, CULTIVATING.

This should have been my middle name this year, when I think about it.

Ya know, I felt like a damn gopher or something (in retrospect). Spending my time burrowed underground - digging, foraging, hoarding, coming up for air to reassess and then diving back underground (also fitting because gophers are solitary critters).

And the cultivating hasn’t just been with myself. It’s been with the practice. I would say that it’s primarily been with the practice. It’s been a year of metaphorically planting seeds, tending to the land, scouring surroundings for the best places to plant, watering and caring for things that are beginning to sprout, and thinking about what will need to be trimmed and cleaved as it begins to grow so that it doesn’t take over.

It’s been a lot of hard work.

It’s been finding awesome people to bring on (seriously, I love our team), focusing on clinician growth (my own and everybody with the practice), and making sure the practice is healthy. All of which is to better and best serve clients. Which sounds kind of martyr-y, but I don’t know how else to say it. If there aren’t good clinicians, if we’re not growing as people and clinicians, and if the practice isn’t healthy, it all impacts negatively our ability to help clients and do exceptional clinician work. Which I’m not okay with (and I doubt anybody else is, either).

One of the things I kept saying to myself throughout this year was, “Long game, Tara. Long game.”

And what I meant to myself was that cultivating isn’t a short-term process. It’s a long-term plan. And please let me assure you that I am not the epitome of intentional planner, lest you think I am. So this is a huge shift for me (and one that I continue to make, as it’s not easy or natural).

A Little Extra (probably fitting, if you know me)

The other thing I’m realizing as I’m typing (which I why I recommend journaling - insights galore!) is how much my reflections and this year have been about the practice.

I love counseling so much, and it’s so damn important to me that people not only have good experiences, but that the work we do is exceptional. I don’t want to be a mediocre practice with mediocre clinicians. I want all the people who come into contact with us (whether referrals or clients or clinicians or assistants or parents or whoever) to have an experience that leaves them feeling cared for and empowered. And that might not even mean that they work with us, but it means that they have a phenomenal experience with us even if in passing.

That tangent aside, my realization is really about how much The Counseling Hub has become an integral part of my life. I often forget that I made the shift into full-time practice just this past May. Seriously. It’s crazy to think how much has changed since then.

Crazy and awesome. Mostly awesome, actually.

I left academia and opted to go full-tilt into private practice. It’s funny because when I think about it now, I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. And I also love what I’m doing so damn much that I sometimes feel like I’m living in a dream. I’d love if people had that same experience in their lives.

Intentions for 2019…?

If I’m being totally honest with myself (and in writing), then I need to make sure to get back in touch with cultivating my own self-care practice. I’ve set good boundaries (hahahahaha - okay, I’m trying to set good boundaries) with practice-stuff. But my burrowing and gopher-ing has left me out of touch with my own self-enriching practices. Right now, the practice work feels enriching (it is), but I want to play the long game (again, see what I mean?), and that means sustainable self-care.

For me (it’s different for everybody), yoga and journaling are the two things that keep me tethered and give me the most insight. Yoga shifts me real quick into my body and into the present moment. And journaling allows me to gather insights that I come to in time, but it speeds the process up in a healthy way. Plus, I like to put pen to paper (reference the first paragraph of this blog), and journaling is an easy way to do that.

And then there’s always the ‘easy’ stuff to do - eat cleaner (#LeafyGreensLoveMe) and drink water. Eating clean isn’t about weight loss, mind you, it’s about feeling good physically. Again, that’s my own take and how I utilize it. Drinking water helps me physically and with focus.

Also, staying more connected to friends. Being intentional about staying connected because, again, isolation is part of my world now and I don’t want that to be the case.

OH. And the final intention for 2019?

FINISH MY DAMN DISSERTATION SO I CAN OFFICIALLY BE TARA VOSSENKEMPER, PHD.

That thing!! UGH. I’m over it, but it needs to be done.

Long game, right?! LONG GAME.

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Reflection Over The Year: Tim

Looking Back

As I reflect back on 2018, I realize that this past year has brought about many changes to my life. Growth happens to be the word that comes to mind most often during my reflections. This happened in many parts of my life and I couldn’t be more pleased. Growing responsibilities, family, and realizations of my priorities have completely changed the way I view my life. This is difficult, as well as fulfilling.

If this year has taught me anything, it is that patience is key. I feel like I live my life chasing the next goal. I can’t remember ever stopping and actually thinking about where I am. I wouldn’t say I was unappreciative, but rather unaware. I’ve burnt myself out in the past by chasing after things that simply take time. I don’t want to say they’re easy and I can definitely say I worked for them. However, I’ve achieved some goals and got to a place in my life where I am starting to get comfortable. I mean this in a positive sense. I still have drive and I still have goals. I’m just learning that things take time. This realization has brought me much more patience in regards to myself and others around me.

You’ll Understand

I’ve finally realized why I was told, “you’ll understand when you have a child.” I was selfish because it was something I could afford to be. Of course, I spent a lot of time focused on my happiness. I made lists and spent many hours thinking about the options that I had in regards to my home life and the freedom I had in regards to time and finances. This has drastically changed with the recent addition to our family. My wife and I recently welcomed a baby girl into this world and this has shaken all of our priorities up. This change has forced me to view everything differently. I haven’t figured out if it’s forced me to view anything more positively or negatively. I think I’ll just stick with differently. I feel that I’ve always understood the stressors that come along with being an individual that is unsure of what the future for them looks like. I’ve also understood many situations that include partners and transitions that occur to young adults. However, parenthood was never a topic that I acted like I understood. I feel like I’m slowly growing to understand it, but I also feel that it is something I will continue to learn throughout my life.

 Listen, Relax, and Slow Down

These changes in my life, along with realizing that I needed to slow down and focus on relationships, have encouraged me to put more faith in the messages I receive from the loved ones around me. I am very self-critical, as are many people, due to making the same mistakes I’ve seen others make countless times. We are all chasing our own versions of perfection and I feel like this has caused disappointment for myself. There’re many things we can’t control and there is a reason we can’t control them. Many mistakes happen and choices are made for us. This can be frustrating. I want to take control of my life and when major changes occur, we can feel that our control is slipping. This is a perfectly natural occurrence. We are not immune to changes, but adaptable when these situations arise.

Things get in the way sometimes and we’re unable to focus on the specific goals that we have set for ourselves. This is okay.

I think this realization has allowed me to truly relax when I need a break. My work demands the best of me. My friends demand the best of me. My family demands the best of me. However, nobody will get the best of me if I am not willing to reflect upon the way I think and the way I act. I can take time to make sure that I am the best I can be. We all can. We can all take time to make sure that we are the healthiest and most effective versions of ourselves. This is what counseling is all about, right?

I am no longer racing towards goals. Racing only causes me to miss things along the way. A slower and more methodical approach allows me to view everything in its entirety. Life isn’t a race and they’re so many things that happened in 2018 that helped me to understand that. When making major purchases, you should take your time to ensure that your money will be well spent. When identifying problems within a relationship, you should take your time to evaluate your expectations. When committing to long-term changes, you should take your time identifying whether the changes actually need to happen. What I’m trying to say is that it is important to fully assess where you are at before you jump ship or change courses. I think this year has been important in that I have learned that taking time away from big decisions (when you have this opportunity) allows you to assess the decisions with clarity.

Finding What Works

Along with taking some personal time away, I feel that I should include that my time away was not in solitude. I was and still am surrounding myself with people that care about me. I am working on relationships that I have in order to get to a place where I feel safe to process through intimate details with the people I am closest to. While there may be some people who do their best work on their own, I am not that person. I need healthy relationships with reasonable and smart people. They don’t need to be geniuses. They just need to know how to communicate effectively. I was looking to people who would listen. I was strengthening those relationships in order to be able to process through my problems and my stressors effectively. This is made me appreciate my friends and family so much more.

 Work Changes

Switching to my work life, I have encountered an abundance of change. Looking back on it, the only negative part I can pull from it was my feelings about initial changes and resistance to embracing them as positive changes. I think what I was resistant to was the changes that made me uncomfortable. I am a creature of habit and can struggle to make needed changes. I feel I try to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. I think the changes in my personal life have forced me to accept changes as they are a normal part of life. The changes in my work life have definitely been a benefit for me and have pushed me to become a better person. I think I have become a better clinician, however, the changes that I’ve made due to my work life have impacted me more personally than I had initially thought they would.

Through the work of being a part of a growing practice, I have learned that complacency is a quick way to find failure. This has encouraged me to view things differently in practice and has forced me to take a second look at the way I view things outside of therapy. I have learned that we are never finished working on ourselves. I feel like this is pretty broad, but there is constantly a need for us to change as a practice and as individuals. This is uncomfortable for me. As stated before, I am a creature of habit. The changes in our practice, while minor, are still new. Due to this fact, there is a sliver of stress that comes along with it. It is definitely humbling to encounter a change that must be made and still struggle the commitment to this change. I feel like this is starting to sound very abstract, but I feel like it is very true to my situation.

Another key to my work life has been the demands that it places on me. This isn’t going to be typical “stressed with work” portion of the blog. These demands have pushed me out of my comfort zone and force me to face things that I haven’t previously faced. This has resulted in a higher amount of learned techniques to accomplish goals. This helps me to measure my value in a productive manner by measuring successes, rather than focusing on my failures.

I am very thankful for the opportunity that I have. I work with other professionals that share the same passion I have for counseling. I know I stress relationships when speaking about my personal life, but they’re just as important in my professional life. We all make mistakes and it is very refreshing to have a kind group of people to call you out when you’re not being sincere. They’re able to identify when I am slipping up or when I am being lazy. This is important. This provides me a source of accountability. These are the types of people that you need around. We all need people who will call us on our mistakes and correct us when we are wrong. It’s so much easier when those people are also kind and supportive. The work that I’ve done with supportive people in my life has been much more meaningful to me then my other accomplishments. I can reflect with others on the times that we accomplished group goals. I know many people, including myself, place a lot of pride in their ability to complete goals without other people. However, accomplishments that are made with others seem to be so much easier to celebrate. This leads to a situation where someone is there to give you a congratulations and a high five.  I’m not sure of everyone’s opinions of high fives, but I thoroughly enjoy them. It’s fun seeing the joy in somebody else and it is even more enjoyable when you realize that you have some ownership of the cause of their joy. Celebrating successes have been a large part of the past year and it’s really exciting to think about. I’m not celebrating major wins, but it nice to feel like you are moving in the right direction.

 Baby 2018 + Puppy 2018 = Not Recommended

Switching to a less serious topic, having a baby and getting a puppy in the same year is not something I would recommend. I love them both, however, they are both very demanding. My patience with my child is far greater than my patience with my dog. He is frustrating and attention seeking, while also very sweet and loving. I keep reminding myself that he is doing what most of us do. We alert others when we are not feeling well or we are bored in order to get our needs met. Previously, I would get frustrated and regret the decision to bring a dog home. However, he is now behaving much better and proving to me that utilizing my personal time to form meaningful relationships has its benefits, even if the relationship is with a dog. It sounds silly, but the lessons I have learned in 2018 are astronomical.

 Change

Changes are difficult and bad habits are hard to break. However, we own the ability to dictate where we belong and how we will behave. This is important to remember and should be a reminder to everyone (me, included) that we should never make changes simply to satisfy others. Make changes that will help you personally. Allow yourself to be selfish in order to attain happiness. This will help you to be truer to yourself, resulting in better relationships and thankful friends and family that have desired to see the best you that was available.

The patience and understanding I learned have directly transferred into my work life, helping to increase my relationships across the board. I’m very thankful for 2018. I’m a happier person due to the additions we have had in our family. At the core, I think this all comes back to my relationships. As for those relationships, 2018 was a great reminder that I have some damn good ones.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TIM FITZPATRICK

Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.

Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.

Anxiety is the Devil

Anxiety Sucks

Period. 

People describe it as being stuck inside their own personal hell. And there's a lot of truth to that. It's an endless stream of thoughts about worst-case scenarios, what-ifs, past events where you may have said that one thing wrong, and 10 years in the future when xyz might happen. It's incessant.

And exhausting.

We've written before about anxiety (and will likely write again about it). It's important to talk about the experience of having it, as well as ways of coping with it. 

A couple of caveats - finding ways of coping with anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to go away. Having anxiety or being prone to anxiety might mean an ongoing "struggle." Except for people who have had it a long time and have learned ways of coping, it's less of a struggle and more of a nuisance. For others, it's a perpetual struggle. 

One of the hardest pieces is that it requires a getting-to-know-you experience before anything else. For example, if you wanted to pull a weed, would you just pull the top of it? Probably not. You'd go for the root. You'd dig into the soil around it and make sure you got all the little tendrils out - because you know as well as we do that one root can grow into multiple roots that dig deeper into the soil, and that can grow into multiple weeds that keep spreading in the yard. And then you're out there digging out weeds all the time instead of tending to the garden and the vegetables or plants that you want to grow.

Understanding Your Anxiety

This is the hardest part - often the scariest, too. Because it requires doing the complete opposite of what anybody with anxiety wants to do. It requires turning towards the anxiety, exposing it, questioning it, allowing space for it, and really trying to fully understand what it's about. 

HEAR US OUT, PLEASE!!

We know it sounds ridiculous, but if we don't fully understand what it's about, then how can we be sure to effectively cope with it?! That'd be like a doctor telling you to put your arm in a sling without ever doing an x-ray. Sounds silly, doesn't it? 

it's the same thing. Okay, not the exact same, but very similar. 

There are different kinds of anxiety and they show up in different ways. Not only are there different diagnoses (i.e. generalized, panic disorder, health anxiety), but each diagnosis (depending on the person, although there's some consistency) can be exacerbated by different things, including sleep, life stressors, food, drugs (yes, including alcohol and caffeine), and exercise. That's probably not even all, but it's the start. 

So, before even moving on to coping (which we're going to do, anyway), the first step is really diving into what kind of anxiety you deal with and what exacerbates your anxiety.

Coping with Anxiety

Again, understanding is the most important part, but we're softies and want to share four tried and true methods for coping with anxiety.

1. Exercise. 3-4x/week for 30 minutes at a time. Especially cardio/aerobic exercise. Weights are also good, but aerobic is better. And don't act like you don't already know this is a thing! Everybody knows the need to exercise, but most people don't find the time or don't have the inclination. For anxiety warriors, it's a must.
2. Sleep. I'm pretty sure I read that the majority of the U.S. are sleep deprived. Yes, majority. For people coping with anxiety, that's a no-no. It wreaks havoc on your circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle that you body naturally falls into). And good sleep also means good sleep hygiene (i.e. screen time, caffeine consumption). We'll write more about that later.
3. Thoughts. What do you spend your time thinking about? Do you ever take time to be present, or are you stuck in your thoughts more often than not? If the latter (like most folks with anxiety), then this is a great place to start. Pay attention to what you're thinking, how it impacts you emotionally, and how thinking a different thing can make you feel better. 
4. Meditation. Another one that everybody knows is good, but most people don't do. I'll tell you a little secret. Meditation, literally, changes your brain. As in, for real, changes the activity (i.e. slows it down) and structure of your brain. It's unbelievable what it can do for you (most of these things on the list, actually). And if you think that it's "not thinking" for 10 minutes, you're mistaken. It's simply about paying attention to one thing - a mantra, your breathing, the present, an image, or something else. 

There you have it! Four simple (and highly effective) ways of ocping with anxiety. Doing them all on one day won't make everything better, though. Just something to keep in mind. They require consistent practice and you end up seeing profound effects (especially the longer you stick with them).

Good luck, friends! And if you want help along this journey (it can be trying going at it alone), reach out to us. We're happy to support you in any way possible!

Anxiety About Your Relationship Doesn’t Mean It’s Done

Let’s talk anxiety. And relationships. And anxiety in relationships (that’s more accurate, actually). 

You should know by now that anxiety is something we love to focus on and work with clients on. You should also know that relationships are something we love to focus on and work on with clients. Wouldn’t it make sense that we end up combining the two?

Here’s the deal. 

If you’re dealing with or struggling with anxiety, then it’s important that you have an idea of what is exacerbating it. Of course, there are a variety of factors (such as thoughts, food, behavior) that play a part, and when people come into counseling, they tend to focus on those things (especially thoughts and behavior).

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

At the same time, one important factor that’s often overlooked during this counseling process is relationships.  

Yes, relationships.  

Interestingly enough (and less well known), anxiety can be a sign of a relationship that is struggling and/or one partner’s needs going unmet. It might be related to attachment, trauma, personality traits, or genetic predispositions. No matter what the reason, it’s still there. It’s not that your relationship is the sole cause of anxiety (there are plenty of relationships that aren’t healthy, but partners aren’t suffering through anxiety), but it might be worth thinking about.

If you’re a person who deals with anxiety and aren’t sure if your relationship is exacerbating the symptoms (or even if your relationship is at the core of the symptoms), then it’s time to reflect a little bit. You might start to pay attention to when you do and don’t feel anxious. You might start to log what you eat, how much you sleep, and your exercise schedule to see when anxiety pops up and what correlations exist (if any). You can check in to see how frequently you’re feeling anxious and whether it’s debilitating or a nuisance. You might also pay attention to your thoughts - are they feeding into anxiety (i.e. “I never get anything right,” “oh my gosh, what if this happens?!”) or are they present-moment focused? Little note about thoughts. The general consensus is that thoughts focused in the past feed into depression and thoughts focused in the future feed into anxiety. That’s the short version (there’s more nuance than that). 

*Keep in mind that some level of anxiety is normal and expected. There’s a point when it becomes too much, but every person will experience anxiety at some point in their life.  

If you’ve been tracking and checking for patterns, you might then start to asses your relationship. How safe, supported, comfortable you feel. How connected, cherished, and loved you feel. How well (or not well) your conflict discussions (read: fights) go. Any number of things, really. 

From there, you may speak up and the relationship rights itself, or you may reach out to a local couples counselor (ahem) :) and set something up. Anxiety is a beast and if it’s something that can be addressed through another avenue (i.e. relationship counseling), then it’s worth it to try.