The Starting Point: Why I’m Writing About Jealousy
First and foremost, because it’s a very common human experience. If there’s anything I can say about the counseling and therapy we do in Columbia Missouri, I can say this: humans are beautiful and consistent and simple and complex and multi-faceted and deep and all of the things that make them human. Secondly, the purpose of The Counseling Hub is to facilitate meaningful connection, which includes through talking about human experiences, period. This happens through our individual counseling and therapy, couples therapy and marriage counseling, and online counseling. It happens through our therapists and counselors who run the gamut from social workers to counselors to psychologists - we all strive to do this very thing: embrace the full experience of being human.
What is jealousy?
Okay, so when we’re talking about jealousy, there’s a couple of things that come to mind. FIrst, we see it as wanting something that somebody else has. This is pretty standard, in terms of how people understand and use this word. The second way of defining this is more about possessiveness. As in, one might feel possessive of something they perceive as ‘theirs’ (usually a person) and feel jealous that another person/entity is showing interest and [perceived] desire.
For the purposes of this blog, we’re focusing on the jealousy that happens when somebody else has something that we want.
The other kind of jealousy (jealousy over a person) is a different beast, entirely. What I’ll briefly say is that it has no places in healthy relationships, but that it can pop up in the recovery process of major betrayals (affairs, major secrets), which is less concerning than if it’s present in an unprompted way. Phew. That’s a mouthful.
I’ll also add the caveat that I’m not even introducing privilege into this conversation. What I’m wary of is that this is going to come across as a ‘bootstraps’ mentality, and what I don’t want to happen is for folks to read this and think that they should be in the same place Joe Schmo who got three legs up in life and/or that the three legs up didn’t have anything to do with his success. Not the intention.
One final caveat is that this isn’t a philosophical stance on jealousy. Whether or not we should be jealous isn’t something I’m interested in writing about right now (a discussion would be super interesting, though). It feels super important to note that, given that there’s philosophical beliefs about jealousy. The foundation for this blog is that people feel jealous, period. That’s my launching off point.
How normal is jealousy?
This is a great question, but one that’s context-dependent. If I said "50% is normal - that’s not helpful. Jealousy lives differently in each person (minimally to close to none in some people and excessively in others), so there’s no way to say what’s ‘normal’ for jealousy other than to say it’s a pretty global experience, although the level of jealousy is going to vary significantly from person to person.
Why do I feel jealous of others?
Well, look at the definition (I’m pointing this out because it’s also tied to the things you can do) - jealousy is about wanting something that somebody else has.
What this means is that we’re aware of something that we want, but we’re not in a place where we can have that thing. This makes me think about a related concept I read - something to the effect of artists knowing what good art is and being able to recognize that they’re not as skilled as what they’re aspiring to be, and so there’s this ambiguous/uncomfortable limbo period where they still engage in the practice, still continue to increase their skill, and still recognize that they have room to continue to develop. [Might be a concept from The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield, which is ironically a book I haven’t read in its entirety.]
My point is this.
It’s really freaking difficult when we have a ‘thing we want’ or ‘place we want to be’ or ‘station in life we want’ or ‘social location we’re striving for’ and we know we’re not there, and we also know there’s another person who has what it looks like we want.
Does jealousy mean I’m insecure?
No, not necessarily. Of course, I’m biased - I have feelings/thoughts/perceptions/values all my own, and so my biases are likely going to influence my thoughts here.
Jealousy can (and does) exist independently of insecurity. It is also true that jealousy can coexist with insecurity.
So, no, feeling jealousy doesn’t immediately “make” a person insecure.
There are people who feel both. There are people who feel one or the other. There are people who feel neither (that last bit is a joke - the vast majority of people feel both of these at some point throughout their life).
What does jealousy mean about me?
This is where things get fun.
Given the way we’re talking about jealousy, we’re given an immediate road to ‘meaning.’ At the risk of reiterating the same point over and over again, when we’re feeling jealous, it means that we’re acutely aware of what we have, what others have, and what we want. It’s the difference between where we are and where we want to go, coupled with somebody who’s living the life that we want or doing the thing that we want or in the relationship we want or on and on and on.
How does this give us an immediate road to ‘meaning,’ you ask? Because you have a goal shrouded in your jealousy. You have a destination wrapped up in the bitter taste of jealousy. You have a gold nugget ensconced in an jealous varnish. And I LOVE IT.
You know what you want when you’re jealous. At least, you know part of what you want. You might (read: probably) need to think deeper about the jealousy, but you at least have a direction that you know you want to move in. That shit is sacred, folks. Would you rather be floating endlessly through life with little to no sense of “ooh, there, I want to go there,” or would you rather have your eye on the thing you want, even though you know you’re not there yet?
[I fully recognize it’s more complex than this, but we’re keeping it simple here and I’m trying to stop myself from talking about three other major points that I want to bring up - trying to keep it tightly focused here.]
Well, that’s great I have a goal, but what can I do to stop feeling jealous? How do I stop feeling jealous of others?
Such a great question. There are three main things that come to mind, and they’re all a bit of trial and error.
recognize, embrace, and dig into jealousy when it arises
reassess your goals and whether you’re moving in the “right” direction
reframe your jealousy to a compass for where you want to go
Recognize, Embrace, and Dig Into Jealousy When It Arises
This is easy, in theory, but difficult in practice. What makes it difficult is that this entails a) some/self-awareness, b) comfort with discomfort (assuming you think jealousy is uncomfortable), and c) a willingness to explore your internal landscape (yes, you have one).
Here’s the deal with this. You can’t do anything differently with the feeling you’re having unless you actually know it. As in, see it when it shows up, accept it rather than try to shut it down, and then actually investigate what it’s trying to tell you. A feeling arising isn’t an answer to why it’s there - it’s a starting point for investigation.
Reassess Your Goals and Whether You’re Moving in the “Right” Direction
I hate to be the bearer of uncomfortable news, but this is a bit of trial and error. If you feel jealousy at some given point in time, then (after recognizing, embracing, and digging in), you should take that knowledge and assess whether the goals you’ve set in life are the goals you’d like to keep moving towards.
Here’s the caveat (and it’s important). The hard thing about this is that people are constantly swayed by what they think they want, only to realize later that they chased some dream/job/person strictly because of jealousy. I sound ridiculous, but hear me out. Having and feeling jealousy doesn’t mean that the thing you feel jealous about is the exact thing that you want. It could mean that the person who loves their job and is kicking ass feels great, whereas you’re struggling to enjoy any task related to your job, and thus your jealousy is about the confidence and joy you see in the other person. The job may or may not provide you with that confidence, and thus your jealousy (which you could initially attribute to the job) isn’t necessarily about the job. This is why my first point is so important - if you don’t do recognize, embrace, and dig into jealousy, then you won’t be able to figure out what it’s trying to tell you.
Maybe the long and short of this is to break down the variables that seem like they’re part of the ‘thing’ you’re after, and then assess whether you want to shift toward or continue toward that ‘thing.’
Reframe Your Jealousy as a Compass for Where You Want to Go
This is kind of similar to the second point (assessing your goals), but this feels slightly different in that the goal here isn’t to assess anything. It’s simply to start thinking about jealousy as a marker for self-assessment (i.e. “reframe”) rather than some "green-eyed monster.” Yes, left unchecked, that shit will morph into a green-eyed monster. Assessed, though? Meh, it’s more like a mostly cuddly kitty who scratches you when you’ve ignored it for too long.
Basically, instead of seeing it as bad, start to think about it as functional and useful. Jealousy is very telling. NOT telling in terms of “telling others what to do to make you feel better, but telling in terms of helping you to understand what’s significant in life and where you want to go.
PHEW, folks, that’s all I got. Jealousy is super interesting, and I’m hoping that this gives you food for thought, a few pointers, and/or answers a question you might have had.
About the Author
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper, LPC
Tara Vossenkemper is the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a group counseling practice in Columbia Missouri. Tara has a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision and is an LPC and approved supervisor in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, but is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples on the brink of divorce and are making one final attempt, couples who are looking to decrease or enhance toxic conflict (excessive or nonexistent), and who want to relearn healthy and effective communication. She's been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
pronouns: she/her