Honestly, this is a big beef with me. Time and again, I see people who genuinely think they’re using “I-Statements,” when really what they’re doing is using a statement that starts with, “I feel…” and then quickly transitioning to an accusation or criticism of their partner. And in case it needs to be said, an I-Statement shouldn’t include hidden blame or criticism of your partner.
Enough, folks. I’ve had enough.
My goal here is to really take the time to unpack I-Statements so that you can understand what they look like, how to use them, and why they’re important.
What is an I-Statement, exactly?
Ahhh, perfect, let’s start with the basics. An I-Statement is a specific type of statement that direct the focus and attention to the speaker’s experience. It follows a simple formula: I feel X when Y. I need Z. And again, just to reiterate:
I feel X
when Y.
I need Z.
X = a feeling
Y = a specific circumstance/situation
Z = a positive need
X = a feeling
A feeling is, wait for it… a feeling. It’s you being able to label an emotion that you’re experiencing. Feelings are biological, people. They’re not made up and they’re not bullshit. They are legit biological processes that happen in our brain. To label that feeling is to acknowledge that your brain is functioning in an entirely human way. Where people go wrong here is that they ignore the feeling part and/or don’t label it at all.
Feelings = words like confused, unsure, insecure, happy, concerned, sad, lonely, dismissed, misunderstood, excited, ignored, invalidated.
A feeling statement is not, “I feel like you don’t listen…” WRONG. Accurate would be, “I feel ignored/misunderstood/insignificant…” Much better, in terms of accuracy with a feeling word.
Y = a specific circumstance/situation
The point of this is to be specific about a time. Talking in generalities about something that’s frustrating to you is not going to be helpful for a) you, and b) your partner. The more specific about the thing your partner did or said and the emotional impact (i.e., x [the feeling]), the better.
The point here is not to lay blame or blast your partner for being ‘the worst,’ it’s legit just to clarify something that bothered you and hopefully get something new/different in place.
Z = a positive need
Let’s be clear here. A positive need is stating something that you do want. It’s not saying something that you want to stop happening.
For example, a positive need is going to be: “I’d love to spend one night per month with you planning our future,” and not, “I want you to stop avoiding conversations about our future!”
Another example. A positive need is: “I’d seriously appreciate your help with the dishes twice per week,” and not, “Can you stop being so lazy about the dishes? I’m not the only one who dirties them and it’s not fair I’m the only one who cleans them up after dinner.”
You see the difference?! [more examples below]
How do I use an “I statement?”
You use it in alignment with the formula above, but I’ll give you a couple of examples.
Scenario One [What NOT to Say]: I feel like you spend all your time with your friends. Why do you love them more than me?
Scenario One [What TO Say]: I miss you and am really craving some alone time with you. It’s hard to get that when we spend our date nights with your friends. I’d love if every other date night could be just the two of us.
Scenario Two [What NOT to Say]: I feel like you don’t care about me. You just play video games. Why don’t you ever think about me?
Scenario One [What TO Say]: I feel small and ignored when I see you play video games each night. I would love if we could just spend 30-minutes together talking about our days.
Please don’t mistake these for easy. When you’re in the thick of your feels (#TheHumanExperience), you’re not going to be great at stating what you want and need with ease. This takes intention and practice. It’s entirely doable, but not likely something you’ll be able to do when you’re feeling something strongly and have little to no practice.
How difficult (or easy) are I-Statements to use?
I mean - they’re simple, in theory. So, the caveat here is that the formula might be straightforward and simple, but implementation isn’t necessarily easy. When you’re in the thick of frustration with your partner(s), it’s legitimately hard to fully engage your cerebral cortex (i.e., thinking structures in your brain) enough so that you can fully think about what you’re saying in the moment. When the emotional centers in our brain are loud, they overpower the thinking structures (which is why it’s hard to do this in the moment, although still simple in theory).
Think about a time when you were arguing or bickering with your partner. If you can really place yourself back in that emotional state, then you might remember what it was like to be unable to clearly articulate your points and to listen to what your partner had to say. In retrospect, it’s easy. “I should’ve said…” or, “Ohhh, I see what they meant…” or something of that kind. These are subtle examples of how/when our brains are overwhelmed and our ‘thinking’ portions go a little offline. It’s totally human.
Why does it matter that I frame “I statements” in this way?
It matters because it’s entirely focused on you. One of the things that gets in the way of our partner’s inability to hear is that the language we use sets them up for defensiveness (like counter-attacking, for example). If I can say something that’s very me-centered (in a good way) and clear in what it is I’m looking for, then I’m more likely to be heard, understood, and responded to in kind. As I’ve tried to explain above - if I focus on the things my partner isn’t doing well and/or is doing that drives me crazy, then I’m probably going to get an in-kind response that’s defensive or critical back. None of which is very fun or nice to experience (and still doesn’t get you where you want to be!!).
What happens if I mess up an “I statement?”
Then you just try again. The beauty of healthy relationships is that there’s trial and error, forgiveness, grace, and all the things that make them wonderful. This is not every relationship, of course, but it’s pretty common that in healthy relationships, there’s space and grace and growth for each person (which benefits the relationship).
I talk more about I-Statements here (in video form), so make sure to watch if you’re a visual and/or auditory learner! I’m a visual learner and I definitely love hearing people talk about things live. If you have a specific question about how to do this, ask us!! I love to get specific with people, so a clear example is ideal.
Good luck, folks! You can do it!
About the Author
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper, LPC
pronouns: she/her
Tara Vossenkemper is the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a group counseling practice in Columbia Missouri. Tara has a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision and is an LPC and approved supervisor in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, but is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples on the brink of divorce and are making one final attempt, couples who are looking to decrease or enhance toxic conflict (excessive or nonexistent), and who want to relearn healthy and effective communication. She's been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.