Do I really need counseling/therapy?
I mean, maybe? This is a personal answer, so who would I be to say “yes, you do” or "no way, you’re good!” It’s a maybe for me - more of an “it depends,” actually. My answer to this is officially, “I don’t know, it depends.” I have no real way of knowing if you “really need” counseling/therapy (given that I don’t know who you are and/or what your life situation is). What I can say is that we should re-think this question entirely. What’s the point of asking if you “really need” something? Why not instead ask ourselves if the probable benefit of going to counseling/therapy is worth the cost/time/energy/emotional weightlifting that you’ll need to expend.
Isn’t counseling/therapy just somebody who listens to me?
Gah, I love this question. Yes and no.
Yes, therapists are trained listeners. There’s no way around this one. Part of our training is dedicated to teaching us how to listen with three ears - the content ear (what you say), the affective ear (what you feel), and the meaning ear (your central/core values). When you’re talking with a therapist, you should be talking with a person who not only hears what you’re saying, but also hears all of the unspoken things that a) you’re saying without realizing, b) you’re trying to hide, or c) you haven’t realized are there yet. When done well, it feels magical.
But also no, therapists don’t just listen. We listen, we encourage, we educate, we advocate, we call bullshit when we see it, we ask pointed questions designed to get you to think deeply about yourself, your life, your actions, your relationships, and we celebrate with you when you achieve what you’ve set out to achieve. And this is all done with our own theoretical and foundational groundings, meaning that we have frameworks that influence our work, how we understand problems, how we see the cycle of change unfold, and how we approach therapy. Listening is the prerequisite to good therapy, but it’s not, by any means, the only ingredient.
[And no, for all the folks who say, “I give good advice. I should be a therapist.” I so wish therapy simply consisted of giving advice. It doesn’t. That’s the antithesis of therapy, really. Our goal is to help people alleviate distress, stop problematic tendencies, and turn inward to learn how to trust themselves (feelings, thoughts, needs, goals, all of it).]
What is therapy like in real life?
It’s work, baby! It’s hard ass work and we are HERE FOR IT. Yes, our big picture goal is for people to feel better, but feeling better long-term doesn’t mean an easy or quick fix - usually it’s quite the opposite (because why wouldn’t the problem have already been solved if it was “easy” to fix?!).
Okay, so what therapy is like in real life. At the start, you might feel unsure, a little vulnerable, a little timid, and cautiously optimistic about the work you’re about to undertake. You also might be curious about your therapist, how they work, and how they can help you. Think about it - when you’re stepping into therapy for the first time, you’re blindly stepping into a relationship (basically). You don’t yet know your therapist, and so you’re attempting to ‘show up’ with a person when you’ve both just met. It’s remarkable, really.
Once you get going, you’ll start to feel good. You’ll feel seen, understood, validated, respected, and empowered. You’ll also feel like you’ve got a person who’s both on your side and unwilling to be complicit in your ineffective coping/tendencies. A good therapist will give direct feedback in a way that feels warm, supportive, and loving rather than judgmental and condescending. Our goal isn’t to make clients feel bad about what they’re doing, it’s to question and get to the heart of why it’s taking place and to poke around to see if there’s anything else that might actually be/feel better. Of note, this doesn’t mean that your problems are gone. This is where lots of digging, exploring, understanding, and trial and error can take place - this is the thick of the work.
As you continue, you’ll start to “hear” your therapist. You’ll develop your own therapist voice and, ultimately, that voice becomes your own. This doesn’t mean that you only think about what your therapist would do/say/want in a situation, but it does mean that you’re starting to question yourself in a healthy and effective way. In a roundabout, this is the start to you becoming your own therapist. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never need therapy, but it does signal the integration of the hard work you’ve been doing during your therapy experience.
Towards the end, you’ll start to notice how you have less to talk about. You won’t come to therapy with the agenda you used to bring, and you also won’t feel as much of a need for your therapist. This is always hard for clients - letting go is hard. Therapists are thinking about the end at the very beginning, which is not to say that we’re trying to rush our clients out, but it is to say that we think about the process of therapy, how it unfolds, and that our time is going to be limited with the person/people in front of us. It’s bittersweet from the start. As you end sessions and/or approach the end, you’ll probably try to hang on, you might want to keep an appointment on the calendar, or you won’t want to end officially. All of these things are normal, but typically signal that the majority of the work is done, and that saying goodbye is, well, difficult. Bittersweet.
But what’s an actual therapy session like in real life?
Oh, goodness, this totally depends on where you are in the process. Let’s answer this from a place where you’re in the thick of the work. Here’s what you can expect to see and hear in a therapy session:
you won’t get advice (see my point above - no advice over here)
*this is so much more to unpack, but I’m not going to because here isn’t the time or place - maybe it should be a different blog post at some pointwe’ll accept you and we’ll help you to learn to accept yourself, which also means releasing internal blame and shame
your emotions (all of them) will be accepted, but we’ll help you not to succumb to them as the orchestrators of your life (i.e., feel your feelings, but not let them run the show)
we’ll point our themes in your relatinoships
*maybe this isn’t surprising, but we carry lots of relational themes with us over the course of our yearsyou’ll be asked how you feel, but likely not with that language
*therapy is about self-exploration, after all, and feelings are as much physiological as breathing and therefore should be identified and understoodyou’ll be slowed down when you talk - not literally, but we’ll dig more into topics than what you might experience in your everyday life
you’ll feel emotionally exhausted, but also invigorated (ideally)
I’m writing this blog as a counselor educator (read: trainer of future counselors/therapists), client, and therapist. I love therapy and think it’s extremely beneficial for a variety of people. Of course, I’m not naive enough to think it’s the cure all or that every single person should go to therapy, but I am sold enough to know that it’s a much needed component in a lot of people’s lives and can be highly beneficial with the right therapist and enough client willingness to fully engage. I speak for all of The Counseling Hub when I say that we love what we do and we love serving those around us.
About the Author
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper, LPC
Founder and Managing Director | The Counseling Hub
Tara Vossenkemper is the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a group counseling practice in Columbia Missouri. Tara has a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision and is an LPC and approved supervisor in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and has completed their three levels of training).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, but is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples on the brink of divorce and are making one final attempt, couples who are looking to decrease or enhance toxic conflict (excessive or nonexistent), and who want to relearn healthy and effective communication. She's been formally trained in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara has presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of couples therapy and marriage counseling, discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper (she/her)
Founder & Managing Director