What If I Don't Want To Move On?
Let’s just take a minute to stop and figure out what our priorities are. This doesn’t need to be a job. It can be an enjoyable experience. Figure out what you enjoy and how your ideal future looks and determine what is truly attainable.
What if I don't want to move on?
Throughout life, we constantly hit points where we have such great opportunities.
- We graduate high school and decide where we want to go to college.
-We decide if we want a community college close to home or a University a couple states over.
-We find ourselves 2 years in and decide that we’ve chosen the wrong major, only to realize that our ideal major is completely available.
-We graduate and decide whether we would like to start the job search or begin to search for further education.
I can keep going but the point has been made. Is this exciting or does it cause some level of anxiety?
The Dream
For some, this is the dream. This is the path to the “American Dream”. However, what happens when things happen too fast? What happens when we’d prefer to stay where we are, while knowing that this decision is not beneficial or maybe in our best interest? This comfort that we find in our current situation is normal. This reminds me of all of the times I’ve looked back on my past situations and realized that I would give anything to go back and just sit in that space for a little longer. Am I wrong for having this desire? We’re allowed to revisit times in our lives that were enjoyable.
Many individuals find themselves in situations where they feel they are being pushed from different directions. They, or we, feel that decisions must be made promptly and that we are running out of time. This pressure may be applied from parents who believe that any education is better than no education at all, which can have many people spending a lot of money on a degree that doesn’t elicit some sort of joy from the individual holding the degree. This same thought can be applied to other major transitions in life. I hear so many stories of people in relationships that are convenient. While convenient is easy, is there a part of us that could possibly become bored or feeling that we rushed into it because ? Is this a relationship, or career field, that will become stagnant due the low drive to continue to work on it? This is a challenge that presents itself to many people just like you and me. We begin to chase these goals only to realize that we may have made a wrong decision. Upon this realization, regret can sink in.
Stories, or realizations, similar to the one above can cause many people to hesitate and wonder if they have achieved their best life in their current situation. This feeling of pressure from others to achieve more or commit to a relationship fully can sour an outlook on the situation and cause more of a disinterest in this big change. What if we are able to step back and ponder our options? Are we allowed time to figure things out? I believe that some very rash decisions can be made if they are made before we are ready. We should be able to take time to focus on ourselves without constant questions like “what do you plan on doing with your life?” or “don’t you think it’s about time you stop messing around?”.
Wait. Let’s pause.
Let’s just take a minute to stop and figure out what our priorities are. This doesn’t need to be a job. It can be an enjoyable experience. Figure out what you enjoy and how your ideal future looks and determine what is truly attainable. Figure out what makes you feel challenged but increases your self-esteem. Brainstorm with friends, not only for the second point of view, but also for the realization that you are not alone in this stuck feeling. Our priorities will give us a glimpse into what we can work towards with a higher success rate. The last thing I will finish in a list of things to do is the thing I don’t want to do. This can mean education, professional development, or relationship advancement.
This Isn’t Just Work and School
I’ve spent a lot of time speaking about education and the struggles to find and work toward goals that help us to find a more comfortable and productive place to be. What about those times that many of us experience following a break up? We become fixated on the parts of the relationship that were so great and completely ignore the parts that really caused us distress. This can also be reversed. We can fixate on the parts of the relationship that were unhealthy while we are in a relationship and refuse to take action to change it. This presents a similar feeling stagnation. We are stuck. We focus on one thing and gnaw on it until there is nothing but negative emotions tied to the relationship. Why must we do this?
If you are like most of us, then a failed relationship is an almost unavoidable part of life. What will it take to move past it? I think that using past experiences as tools to work on the present and future is the best route to take. We don’t have to sit with those emotions for long. It’s normal to be upset that things didn’t work out the way that we had hoped. However, it’s not helpful to let this consume us. We can learn what we are searching for in others and learn how to better navigate situations that we have struggled with in the past.
This unwillingness to move on from relationships, or even within relationships, is also a very normal situation. We don’t have to move on quickly. We can take time. We are allowed to process through the struggles we have on our own time. It’s important to remember that success is not impossible, no matter what your past experiences have taught you. Sit with the stuck and reflect. Reflect on good times to learn why you enjoyed certain experiences. Reflect on bad times to understand which parts moved you in a negative way. Reframe these experiences in order to help yourself advance. This is a very helpful process that happens in therapy. It can helpful to an individual that has the patience and confidence in themselves to not let it consume them completely. We may handle certain situations poorly, but that does not need to be set in stone. We are adaptable creatures that possess the ability to experience pain and pleasure, along with the ability to search for reasons why. We can take time to feel. We can take time to experience the feelings in the moment and express ourselves in a healthy manner. Following this, we can search for reasoning. We can decide what needs to change and decide if the failure of the relationship is truly the most bothersome part of this story. Many times, the most bothersome part of the ending of a relationship is the perceived loss of time that we have experienced. However, is it really lost time? Was the time we spent in this relationship completely useless? In most cases, the relationship and time it consumed was not useless. It was a way to learn of more filters that we can apply to our next search.
Filtering It All
This filtering of qualities idea that I ended the last paragraph with made me realize that this is a very good way to view “moving on”. We learn in our failure and learn in our state of discontent. We pull many things away from these experiences that can help us to view the experiences in a more positive light. From experience, I’ve learned that people enjoy feeling heard. I remember relationships when I was a teenager that I took for granted. I remember hearing what I wanted to hear and acting on what others told me. Sometimes we don’t want to inspire action. We just want to be heard. Also, I’ve learned that immersing yourself in something you find interesting can be so much work. However, this work leads to goals that you can truly celebrate.
Finding yourself stuck in school, work, relationships, and countless other situations doesn’t mean that you have been defeated. What if it is just a way to enlighten us of the importance of that place we’re stuck in? We find ourselves searching and searching in our “stuck” place. We lose the motivation to leave this space until we realize that there may be little to gain from where we are. We can then come to the realization that we need to lift our head up and try to get a better view of the road ahead of us. This road may come with challenges, but at least we’ve spent some time doing some self-exploratory work that may provide us with helpful tools moving forward. It doesn’t need to be this scary experience filled with danger. What’s the worst that could happen? You could get stuck? Thankfully for you, that is not a strange place to be and there may be some knowledge to gain in that space. Spend a little time there and understand that there is happiness for everyone somewhere.
It takes work to find happiness and that work came be done in many places. Take the time to come to an understanding of where you would like to see yourself. Open yourself to new experiences and search for ways to better comprehend the meaning of this sense of “stuck”. Gather your priorities and that experience you view as enjoyable and prepare for your next first step forward. Gain as much as you can from the “stuck” because, thankfully, it’s not forever.
TIM FITZPATRICK, PLPC
INDIVIDUAL COUNSELOR
Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.
Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.
What to Do If You Want to Make A Change In Your Life
I wish there was one magical thing I could say that would make making changes easier- but I can’t. Making changes or working through transitions can be scary, even if we know that they could benefit us in various ways, there is something comforting about consistency. What happens when you think you want to make a transition but aren’t sure? Here you’ll read a bit about how to consider all options, remember change is typically never final, and learn a bit about the process of change.
I wish there was one magical thing I could say that would make making changes easier- but I can’t. Making changes or working through transitions can be scary, even if we know that they could benefit us in various ways, there is something comforting about consistency. What happens when you think you want to make a transition but aren’t sure? Here you’ll read a bit about how to consider all options, remember change is typically never final, and learn a bit about the process of change.
Weigh It Out: Pros and Cons
Ambivalence is a term used to describe feeling unsure that one way is better than another. That might be one reason you’re stuck. You might be stuck due to fear of negative consequences. Perhaps you’ve considered making some life changes, but you’re not quite ready for the action. Well, that age old advice of writing out pros and cons is something that us in the mental health field call engaging in a decisional balance. Most therapists are going to urge a person to explore these pros and cons when a person is considering change. This technique is helpful when you are considering change but are unsure or feel like one side of the change is overwhelming, scary, or bad. I love demystifying the process of therapy and so the secret of having a successful decisional balance is having another person highlight outcomes that may not have been thought of independently. In other words, talk out all the pros and all the cons with a trusted friend, family member, religious leader, or therapist. Exploring all possible outcomes can help you make a decision that you feel both hopeful and confident in. Moreover, having another person present to supportively challenge any irrational thoughts of beliefs may help the one overwhelming side feel less overwhelming. Either way, engaging in a decisional balance is especially helpful if impulsive decisions are something you have a tendency for since change is scary. Contemplating both pros and cons is something that any serious decision should stand. Another piece of advice when making a big decision is remembering that rarely anything is final.
Keep In Mind: Nothing Is Final (Typically Speaking)
Although we think or feel like something will last forever, most things aren’t final, except for death. If you make a transition that is difficult or things didn’t go as planned, you can modify what it is that you have done. Something might be harder than others to modify- like deciding that ending a relationship wasn’t a good choice and now the other party isn’t willing to engage. But you can modify your behaviors next time you start to think breaking up or separating is a good idea. Remember that if you take a change and try something, and then it doesn’t work the first time- inspect what went well and what didn’t go so well and try something adjusting.
Reflect- What Are You Really Afraid Of?
Would I really be a therapist if I didn’t suggest reflection on your feelings?! Answer this question: what is stopping me from making this decision? Better yet, answer this question: what feeling is coming up that is stopping me from making this change? This is something we typically end up exploring in individual therapy. For example, you can tell your friends that you don’t want to move because it costs too much money, but what does it mean to spend your money? Maybe you grew up watching your parents struggle financially for what they had and you learned that money is precious. Therefore moving would make you feel guilty for spending something that people struggle for. Guilt is a trigger for you and so you may be afraid of feeling that way. Reflecting on your internal experience and what it means can help shed some light if you are feeling stuck in making a transition. Once you’ve learned what is stopping you, you will be able to see a clearer picture of what transition you are appraising and can make an informed decision.
Know where you’re at
I think that half of the battle of change is knowing where you’re at. One of my favorite models of all time (actually used often with understanding addiction- just fun fact!) is Prochaska and De Clemente’s Transtheoretical Model of Change (1982)- also known as their stages of change model. It may sound like a mouthful but hang on and I’ll break it down for ya. The model is a stage model that is a circle because they recognized change is often very hard and people relapse back into old patterns of behavior. Since it’s a circle there isn’t really a “first” stage, but we will call pre-contemplation first stage. Pre-contemplation is when a person is engaging in a behavior and they are not considering change at this time. Let’s use an example- you are experiencing angry outbursts while waiting in lines. In pre-contemplation you have no desire to address your anger. Maybe you think it’s not productive, but there is not enough internal or external motivating factors for you to need to consider change yet. Pre-contemplation is just that; before you begin to consider change.
The second stage in the stages of change model is contemplation. Contemplation stage is when you’re considering change. Considering might be when you’re doing your pros and cons which was discussed earlier. You may daydream about different outcomes, but no changes in behaviors have occurred. In our angry outbursts example, you may have recognized that your temper in lines can be a problem. Perhaps you’re a prominent figure in the town and you want to maintain an appearance, or you feel out of control and don’t like your behavior- either way, you want to change. You begin considering different ways you could respond to your anger- such as walking away, taking deep breaths, or consider seeking counseling. Again, this isn’t where implementation of change occurs quite yet.
The next stage is preparation. Some things don’t require a lot of preparation such as choosing to get a trim at the hair place, while others may take many longer steps, such as filing for a divorce. Preparation are behaviors, thoughts, and feelings which allow a person to implement change. For instance, if you decide you want to see a counselor to gain some insight why those lines make you so irritated, preparation might look like calling around to different counseling offices, telling your partner you need to fit the money into the budget to pay for counseling, or asking off time from work to attend counseling sessions. The actual change has not occurred until the next step: action.
The action stage is what we have been waiting for! This stage is where one begins implementing the change they want to see. This maybe going to the counseling sessions and engaging in the reflection of anger when having an outburst. It may look like practicing skills in the line which could help you feeling calmer when you feel the tension rising. This is where change occurs, but it’s not the final step.
The last stage towards progress (but not the final stage) is maintenance. Change over a period of time, or when you’ve relapsed- aka falling back into old patterns- is the hardest part for a lot of people. Maintenance is when the new behavior replaces the old behavior you don’t want anymore. This is when you might still feel tense standing in lines, but you’re not ready to pounce on the first person who gets in your way. Maintenance is hard work as it takes a lot of effort to resist old patterns of behavior. This stage is one that if you’re not actively keeping in check, you’re likely to fall into relapse.
Relapse doesn’t have to be full on back to old patterns of behavior; with yelling angrily at others in line. It can be simpler slips back which are opposite from the desired behavior, like feeling tense and not practicing some deep breaths. Once a person has relapsed, they may begin the cycle again by hanging out in pre-contemplation- or they may snap right back into action. Again, the good thing about this model is that it’s not a destination; it’s suggests that our behaviors are always evolving and so with relapse there can be hope of sustained change in the future.
There are a couple things to keep in mind about this model. First, this wheel is not uni-directional. What that means is that it doesn’t just go from first stage to second and so on. A person can be in action stage and revert to preparation at any time. Another thing to consider is that change can occur rapidly or slowly. You might be in pre-contemplation for months before deciding you need to change a behavior and then over the next week you might fly through the rest of the stages. All of this to say that knowing where you’re at can help shed some light on where you should go. If you’re considering a transition, you can gage where you’re at on the transtheoretical model of change to determine how far you have come and how far you still must go.
Taking a chance and living through transitions are difficult tasks. Knowing if you’re making the best decision for yourself can be blurred when you haven’t fully completed a decisional balance, explored deeper meanings, and feel like the change is permanent. Knowing what stage of change you’re in will help enlighten your experience through your process of change. Change is not easy. Taking a chance is not easy. Doing the things in this blog will not guarantee that you will successfully navigate a change or transition, however, my hope is that it will help you feel a little more at ease and comforted in the fact that you’re making the best decision that you can. If making a change seems daunting even after reading this, contacting us to get set up would be another great change to make! Our team is dedicated to helping individuals take the steps towards where they would like to be in their life.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor
Molly is has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
First Time Parenting & Your Mental Health
Whether your have been preparing for several years to be a parent or you were caught by surprise, first time parenting can be intimidating. You may not know what to expect because every one may be telling you different things. You may have been told conflicting things like infancy is exhausting or that it’s the easiest stage since all they do is sleep. One thing is for certain: you’re overwhelmed with love and other emotions
A Parent’s Mental Health
Whether you have been preparing for several years to be a parent or you were caught by surprise, first time parenting can be intimidating. You may not know what to expect because every one may be telling you different things. You may have been told conflicting things like infancy is exhausting or that it’s the easiest stage since all they do is sleep. One thing is for certain: you’re overwhelmed with love and other emotions! If you’re taking home your baby, there are a few things that you need to know about the baby, but there are also things you need to know about taking care of yourself and your relationship. Focusing on your baby shouldn’t replace your mental and relational health.
What to Expect- Sleeping for Baby and Sleeping for You
Bringing home a new born is full of excitement and challenges. Emotions can be high as reality sets in that you’ve finally become a parent! Infants can require a lot or minimal amounts of attention depending on the temperament of the child. Some babies may prefer to be held while others may prefer self-entertaining. Some babies may want to breast feed while others prefer a bottle. One frequent topic which occurs has to do with sleep. Sleep for infants is bizarre! Newborns generally sleep 16 hours or so a day. They often sleep during the day and are awake at night at first. They will sleep for small stretches at a time as they wake up to eat every two to five hours (Erford, 2017).
What this means is that parents need to nap while baby is napping. Sleep has so many effects on mental health. For example, extreme lack of sleep can mimic symptoms of schizophrenia. Sleeping for parents is super important also to avoid frustration. Shaken baby syndrome may occur when parents are overloaded and exhausted. Babies around six months old generally sleep through the night and have an established sleeping pattern with most sleeping 12-hours a night (Erford, 2017).
Here are a few guidelines for infant sleeping:
Always place a child on their back to sleep
Don’t place pillows or stuffed animals in their sleeping space (they’re cute, but not safe)
Don’t leave animals (specifically cats) in the room while your child sleeps.
These things have been linked to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It’s also highly recommended that you don’t sleep with your infant when they come home. There have been many accidents when exhausted parents fall asleep and roll over on top of their infant causing death. In summary, sleep is very important for a developing baby as well as the mental health of their parents.
To Hold Baby or Not to Hold Baby- That Is the Question
Alright, here’s the question all new parents may be asking themselves: Should I pick up my crying baby? Answer: there’s no one correct answer. As mentioned earlier, babies have different temperaments. Meaning, some will generally be fussier than others. Some may be calmer than others. Yet some babies may need more social interaction than others. They’re human beings and so they’re going to vary with their wants and needs.
With that said, picking up a crying infant isn’t inherently good or bad, it depends on what your beliefs and values are regarding parenting.
If you pick up your child every time they cry, then they will likely expect to be held a lot of the time. If you don’t mind holding your child often as you see it of a sign of secure attachment or want to foster healthy dependency- then do it!
If you rather let them cry for a short amount of time as you want them to learn to self-soothe and be independent- then do that!
Personally, I think that moderation is key to just about all things in life. One suggestion, although it can be beneficial to let the baby “cry it out” on occasion (i.e., mom is only one home and she needs a shower), babies that are frequently not responded to can develop undesirable attachment styles which can affect their relationship patterns throughout their entire lives. Again, the key is moderation. Take care of your baby but reflect on the message and values you want to instill in your child and your relationship with them.
Taking Care of Yourself
One of the most important things to know about bringing home a baby is that there is one person you may not have thought needs just as much attention…you! It may be easy to dismiss or deprioritize yourself when the infant demands attention and everyone else is asking questions about them. Simply stated, your needs matter too! Whether you were the one who just birthed a beautiful baby into the world, or you are a devoted partner, taking care of yourself is so very important. Think of it this way: you can’t help someone else before you help yourself. I mean, I guess you could, but you wouldn’t be as effective as you could’ve been if you gave yourself some TLC first. So what in the world does taking care of yourself mean? If you rearrange the words you will find the oh so popular phrase self-care. Ask yourself: what did self-care look like pre-baby? Taking a long shower, getting your hair trimmed and styled once a month, watching your favorite show, visiting with a friend, going to individual counseling, or getting a nap in. Continue to do your self-care. Those naps maybe interrupted by a crying baby, but you can take turns with who feeds and changes the baby which allows you a break and recharge. Your baby deserves the best parent you can be. You can’t be your best self for your partner or your baby if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Taking Care of Your Relationship
Ah yes, we finally got to the part about your relationship- my fave! It’s well known that relationships take a hit when a baby arrives. This is true even if the pregnancy was intentional and you and your partner were madly in love. Relationship dissatisfaction can be caused by many things but the number one is giving all the attention to nurturing the baby and not each other. Not saying you shouldn’t give your baby ample attention, but when you’re used to coming home and spending 20-minutes debriefing your day and showing affection is replaced by irritability and chores, it can be difficult to connect on a deep emotional level with your partner. You must make time for your partner and continue the bond of communication. Too often couples get sucked into devoting every waking minute into their children and they forget why they wanted to have a child with this person to begin with. Protect your time with your partner. Make them a priority to go on a date (and avoid talking about chores or baby talk on your date!). If you lose the things which kept you connected, you may feel lonely and more overwhelmed. If you’re reading this blog before baby, you can arrange a sitter to come predictably to make sure that setting time aside doesn’t fall in the cracks and get lost. Also, I know it might be hard to leave baby- but your relationship is worth it.
Single Parenting
Single parenting is on the rise as more individuals are having babies outside of marriage or committed relationships, deployment occurs, adoption has become easier (not easy by any means- but easier), career women decide they want to be mothers, and medical interventions are developed. Single parenting comes with it’s own challenges. You may feel obligated to give your child as much love and attention as a two-parent household. This can be taxing on your self-care routine, your budget, and your emotional stock tank. You must reflect on your emotional stock tank so that you don’t become drained. As if it wasn’t said enough; you cannot be the best parent you can be if you are not taking care of your self. I urge you to lean on those in your support system and be sure to continue self-care while continuing to recognize your self-worth as an individual. Self-care may look different being a single parent as you can’t let the other parent take a turn, so you may have to get creative. Get dressed up and eat a nice dinner by yourself. Take yourself out to a movie. Whatever you can do to refill that emotional tank.
Final Thoughts
Here you will find a quick summary of what you just read. Your mental health is important. Taking care of your mental health when bringing a baby home can help you be the best parent, partner, and self you can be. Sleep is very influential to mental well-being. Having an infant can drastically alter your sleeping pattern and can lead to a deterioration of your mental health. Nap while baby is napping; be aware of the safest ways babies sleep, and take turns taking care of your baby will help reduce the impact of lack of sleep. Holding your baby when they cry is a parenting preference on what you believe is important and good. Just don’t let the baby cry it out too much- you don’t want your baby to feel abandoned. Take care of yourself through continued self-care. You must take care of yourself to be able to fully care for another. Don’t neglect your relationship, which is extremely easy to do. Make your partner and connecting with your partner a priority. Lastly, single parenting is more common and comes with more challenges. Self-care is even more important when you’re a single parent as you can’t let another parent take a break. Lean on your support system. Lastly, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW BABY!
Molly Lyons- PLPC
Individual and Couples Counseling
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
Demystifying the Process: What to Do With Bad Therapy
It might be shocking to read (and hard to admit), but there are some therapists that won’t be a good fit for you or the right counselor for what you need. There might even be some therapist who you think do “bad therapy!”
Sooo….
You decided that you were going to do it. You were going to go out on a limb and try this therapy thing that everyone has been saying is so great. It might be a little strange during the first session with your therapist taking an active lead and asking what seem like random questions. But this is normal, right? Well, mostly, yes.
But what if it wasn’t? How would you know that your session was bad?
It might be shocking to read (and hard to admit), but there are some therapists that won’t be a good fit for you or the right counselor for what you need. There might even be some therapist who you think do “bad therapy!”
(*cue the audience’s gasps of outrage and terror*)
What exactly is “bad therapy”?
In order to know what to do about bad therapy, you must first recognize what it is. Realizing that you’re having bad therapy can be obvious, as in your counselor tells you what you should or should not do; or it can be as subtle, as in you continuously leaving the office feeling kind of icky and like you were judged. Occasionally leaving worse than when you came is sort of standard (i.e. some sessions are hard and leave you with more questions), but you should never feel judged by your therapist and you should not consistently be leaving feeling worse.
Recognizing that you’re not getting the most out of your session might be a horrible feeling. We know how hard it was to seek help and that it can be humiliating and defeating to get your hopes up for some good therapy and then have it turn out poorly.
How else might you recognize “bad therapy,” you ask? Easy. Here are some ways to recognize if you’re having bad therapy.
1. Your therapist told you how you should feel about your situation. You are in control of how you feel. Your therapist shouldn’t tell you how to feel about a situation. Instead, they should ask you to go “deeper” in that emotion. In other words, allow you to have that emotion and explore why it’s there. If your therapist is telling you how to feel, then you may be experiencing bad therapy.
Therapist: “No, you shouldn’t feel bad! You tried your best/you were right/maybe they didn’t mean what they said?” <- WRONG
2. You may be having bad therapy if your therapist is not listening to what you have to say. This may look like your therapist interrupting you when you speak, or it may take the form of the therapist being totally off base over and over. Not feeling heard is a terrible feeling and therapists are trained to be good listeners. Also, you may not be feeling heard if you are leaving session feeling like you were misunderstood, frustrated, or shamed.
You: Talking about your dog suddenly dying in the past week.
Therapist: “Well, at least you have a cat, still!” Or, “I’m sure your dog wouldn’t want you to be upset. Why don’t we go back to talking about why you came in for counseling in the first place?”
You came into therapy (hopefully) to explore your life and become a better you. I don’t know about you, but I would not be able to focus on myself if I just lost my cat or dog. Instead, your therapist should let you explore why you’re sad and how much your pet means to you.
3. You may be having bad therapy if your therapist is telling you what you should do. Giving advice is not your therapist’s job. Their job is to listen, build a relationship with you, help you understand yourself and your situation enough so that you can figure out the perfect decision (or options) for you, and then support you in deciding what do to. As we have said before, your therapist is not your friend who says whatever they feel like.
Therapist: “You should just break up with him. He sounds like a douchebag.” #IfIHadEightEyesTheyWouldAllBeRolling
4. You leave more often than not thinking to yourself, “What did I get out of this?” If you feel like you get nowhere in your sessions, you may be having a case of bad therapitis. Now, you may not feel like you have made enormous amounts of progress in every session, but you shouldn’t feel like you wasted your time on a consistent basis. Your time in therapy should be reflective and thought provoking (more often than not).
Therapist: “We really covered a lot of ground, Stanley the Manley! Same time next week, chump – I mean, champ?!”
You: “Uh, sure.” (thinking in your head: “What ground did we cover?!”)
5. You feel really distant and disconnected from your therapist after more than a handful of sessions. If you’ve been seeing your therapist for a month or so and you still don’t feel connected to your therapist, you’re probably having bad therapy. Again, therapists are trained to build rapport. Sometimes, we’re just not the right fit (and now I bet you’re wondering how to tell if a therapist is a good fit), but other times, if you feel uncomfortable, distant, or disconnected, you might be having bad therapy.
When do these situations happen?
Keep in mind that any of these situations can happen at any point of the therapy process. But if any of these situations are happening to you consistently, we’re sorry. That really stinks. We love good therapy and do our best to make sure that we’re doing the best we can, but we also recognize that some counselor-client fits are better than others.
What do I do when it does go bad?
Therapy can be the most enlightening and empowering experience you’ve ever known, but it can also be a flop. Before you completely give up hope on your therapist, there are some things you can do to try and improve the relationship without quitting cold turkey (although there are times when quitting cold turkey is the right move).
Reflect
It might be helpful to set aside some time to think about what went wrong. Reflect on questions or feelings you had during and after the session. Were you not feeling heard? Was your therapist not interesting? Did they remind you of someone you didn’t like? Were they too pushy? Many things can lead to an unpleasant experience, unfortunately. It’s important to understand why you didn’t have a good experience. If you understand what went wrong, then maybe you and your therapist can do something to fix it.
Ask questions
If you are new to therapy (or returning from taking a break) then you may have many questions. It may feel like the way your therapist interacts with you is indifferent or strange. It maybe helpful to ask questions about the therapy process. Clarifying what is happening and the purpose may make the process feel less anxiety provoking and strange. It may normalize your experience and realign your expectations. Some questions could include what is the purpose of your (therapist) questions? Why are we not talking about what I want to talk about in the intake? Is it wrong to joke during session?
Give it some time
Give therapy three sessions (at least) before you make a decision to stop or continue. Therapy’s foundation is built upon a relationship. Although the therapeutic relationship is unlike any other relationship, there is one common thing between the therapeutic relationship and all others: time for the relationship to develop. Allowing your therapist time to get to know you will also allow the relationship to deepen. Maybe the feeling of dissatisfaction is because your and your therapist have not had enough time to get to know each other. Also, therapy is not an over-night process. Sometimes we want things fixed right away (I mean all the time!) but it may take a while for you to see or feel the results. Hang with it, it will work.
Allow for mistakes
Your therapist attempts to understand you and your whole life in a matter of an hour each time you see them. There are bound to be misunderstandings and mistakes. Therapists are human and make mistakes too. If your therapist makes a mistake, give them the chance to apologize. If they are unaware of a mistake they made, then you may have to let them know. Mistakes occur in all relationships including the therapeutic one. When you clarify the mistake, this allows your therapist to know you want to keep working! It also gives you the chance to feel better about working with your therapist.
Negotiate the relationship
Sometimes therapy is not what you expected. When you enter therapy it’s for you- not what the therapist wants. If your therapist is not structuring the therapy sessions the way that feels most beneficial, you may want to negotiate how to spend the time. For instance, if your therapist spends a lot of time talking about how you felt as a child and you think that the here-and-now is more important. You may need to tell them that your childhood experiences don’t feel so important and you would like to spend the time talking about what is happening right now. Again, the therapy is for you. You are putting in the hard work and no one knows you better than you.
Talk to your therapist.
One common factor in all these hints is that you have to talk to your therapist. Talking to your therapist sounds obvious, right? But it can be very uncomfortable to say that you are not happy with their service. Therapy is supposed to be a time where you can be completely open and honest with yourself. It’s hard to be open and honest if you are uncomfortable with the other person in the room. There may be many barriers as to why you don’t want to talk to your therapist about your bad experience. Maybe you want them to like you. Maybe you are worried they will be angry at you. Perhaps you think that they should already know. You may not even be able to say what it is that is dissatisfying about the encounters. Whatever it is, you need to communicate that with your therapist. The reality is, although your therapist may feel like a mind-reader at times, they can’t read your mind. If your therapist is unaware that you’re not getting the most of your session, they can’t help you fix it. Tell your therapist that you need to check in with them to let them know how therapy is going.
Time to find something different
If you have taken these steps and you are still not feelin’ it, it may be time to find something different. Ask your therapist for a referral. Different clinicians are trained differently. Not only are different clinicians trained differently, there are hundreds of different theoretical orientations clinicians can choose to operate from. It is good to keep in mind that just because one therapist does therapy one way doesn’t mean that all therapy will be the same. What is important for you to do when trying to work with someone else is tell your new therapist what you did and didn’t like about your last therapist. This will let your new therapist know how they can best help you.
In summary, there are many things you can do if your therapy sessions are not going how you’d hoped. Spending time reflecting and talking to your therapist are going to be the most helpful. As in any relationship, time and forgiveness of mistakes are needed in order to build a solid foundation. If you and your therapist have tried these suggestions, then maybe it’s time to consider terminating the sessions. But don’t stop there! Ask your therapist for referrals. Not all therapy will look or sound the same. You are worth continuing your road to self-healing.
about the author
Molly Lyons- Intern
Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.
How to Build Confidence
Confidence is a gift only you can give yourself. What we want for you to do is to engage in some self-assessments and realize that you have qualities and knowledge that others can appreciate. All of us (yes, all of us) can be secure in the situation that we are in. Nobody is stopping you from being confident in yourself. And we're going to help.
How to Build Confidence
Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You're laying in bed, scrolling through your feed, and you think to yourself, "Man, I must be doing something wrong. Everybody looks like they live this awesome life and I'm a mess." You see a classmate or coworker rocking those jeans that you could never pull off. You see the silky-smooth face of another while constantly checking the mirror to make sure those zits are well concealed. You see Dr. What’sHisFace graduating from med school, while you're struggling to finish one semester in college. In short, you see the happiness of others all around you.
Are you comparing yourself to others while you scroll?
Do you see how it impacts you?
Do you think about the benefit and cost of doing so?!
Our current social environment (including media) is a breeding ground for low confidence.
Yes, obviously, people have varying levels of confidence. Some people are more confident than others, some people are less confident than others, and you're feeling down on yourself right now about your own levels of confidence (otherwise why would you be reading this).
And sure, compliments from others can help. However, no one will compliment you enough to make you feel better about your insecurities.
Let me repeat so those in the back can hear.
NO ONE CAN COMPLIMENT YOU ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR INSECURITIES.
Confidence is a gift only you can give yourself. What we want for you to do is to engage in some self-assessments and realize that you have qualities and knowledge that others can appreciate. All of us (yes, all of us) can be secure in the situation that we are in. Nobody is stopping you from being confident in yourself. And we're going to help. Here are tried and true ways of building your confidence.
Build Healthy Relationships
It’s uncomfortable at first, but push yourself to form healthy relationships. I know, I know. This is a topic our individual counseling and couples counseling highly focuses on, but it is sooo important.
Having meaningful people around you that are honest and caring can help you to feel better about yourself. Not only will they build you up, but they'll push you to stand up for yourself (which will, in turn, build your confidence). Listen to your trusted friends when they tell you that your new haircut looks fly as hell (just kidding, but not really).
(And Then Change Body Language)
Then take that fresh new haircut out into the world and show it off!! There is nothing wrong with embracing things, such as a new haircut, that make you feel GOOD. Why? Because we are talking about healthy things and healthy relationships.
It might be extremely uncomfortable, but that strut you have going on is actually proven to increase your confidence! In other words, it's not just all in your head.
And then it becomes a fantastic feedback loop - building relationships will help generate some confidence, which you'll feed into by "acting as if," which will actually solidify for you, and then this will further that social circle you have because people are drawn to those that seem like they know what’s going on. Phew!
Act "As If" Until You Reach "Is"
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been drawn to a person simply because they were so confident in themselves.Maybe this is what you see in Dr.What'sHisFace and your friend rocking their jeans. You see them either "acting as if" or they have reached that level of confidence! I wanted to know what made them so confident. This resulted in meaningful conversations that let me know that this person is normal, yet interesting as hell. I then realized that I know some stuff. Not a lot, but some. I thought to myself that I could hold myself differently and walk as if I have it figured out. When asked if I know what’s going on, I answer confidently and honestly. Why would I be ashamed if I didn’t know the answer to their question?
Not knowing the answer is part of life!! No one knows everything and that is completely fine. Remain confident with the knowledge that you possess. With confidence, you gain resiliency to failures and can move forward with the knowledge that your failures provide. Every success and failure can be used as a learning experience and your confidence can help you avoid dwelling on the failures and propel you to use this newfound information.
Learning comes with a sense of accomplishment. Use that shit!! You’re learning, and you feel good about it!! Don’t sweep it under the rug and act like it’s no big deal. Allow yourself to celebrate this. You don’t necessarily have to throw a party but embrace the fact that you are learning things and have more to provide others.
Be Confident In Your Work
Confidence is especially helpful in the workplace. The supervisor/ supervisee relationship is one that you need to respect. However, honesty is a great policy. Honesty that is accompanied with confidence is even better. If you have a lot on your plate, you should communicate that with confidence, or a strong statement, in order to avoid getting overwhelmed and not completing the tasks the best you can. We are so used to being the society so proud of how hard we work. What good is that work if you aren't confident or putting in 100% effort? Using confidence to fuel your ability to set boundaries is one of the main reasons confidence is so important. People with low self-esteem tend to desire to please others. This can be alright; however, it should not be the only reason to gain confidence.
This low self-worth that many people deal with causes more than being taken advantage of. We begin to struggle to express ourselves effectively and remain quiet when we find a problem with the way we are being treated. Remaining quiet and hoping that nobody will take advantage of you is not the best way to handle this situation. Express yourself! State the way you feel and your thoughts on the situation. If you know how to handle a situation, then utilize that knowledge to express yourself effectively. You may not think you’re being confident but if you state something that you know is a fact, people will listen. Whether you viewed this statement as being confident or not, utilizing this form of communication can help you to gain traction in your search for confidence. The reaction of others can tell you everything. When someone hears you say something and listens, it feels good. Imagine being able to do this across the board.
Many people don’t feel heard and this is typically the case for people with low confidence and low self-worth. Trust in yourself and believe that what you are saying is important. The same is true for your feelings. Feelings are not a sign of weakness. Feel free to express them. This is one area that you will not be wrong in. Nobody can tell YOU how YOU feel.
Setting boundaries was mentioned previously, but this is one of the best ways to protect yourself and increase/utilize your confidence. Most people form relationships with others and find out that some of these relationships are not healthy. This is okay, and we don’t need to cut ties with everybody. However, we can certainly develop boundaries to protect ourselves from being dragged down.
These boundaries can help to increase your confidence by limiting the amount of negative feedback you are receiving. It can prevent insecure people from causing you to question yourself and encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded and confident people who will encourage you to become a better version of yourself. Nobody has the right push you around. Unfortunately, many of these people who decide what’s best for you are the people that should be encouraging you in your search for what’s best. They have this idea that they know what is best for you and this could be due to your lack of confidence in the past. While utilizing confidence, you can tell them that what they are doing is not helpful. This doesn’t have to be a hateful conversation. Remain confident and tell them how you really want things to be. You have given them a choice. They can respect your wishes and remain an important and trusted person in your life. If they decide that they still know you better than you know yourself, healthy boundaries may be required. This doesn’t mean cut out people in your life. This just means limiting the amount of an influence these people have on your actions and your feelings.
Allow yourself to learn from many different avenues. A lot of self-help strategies sound very corny. That doesn’t mean they don’t work! Reassure yourself that what you are happy doing is the right thing for you to do. Many people use confidence to put themselves in positions to succeed. While many people measure success by their monetary income, this is not the only route of happiness. Enjoy what you do, and you will constantly learn and increase your confidence in any given subject. Use that confidence to better yourself. Give yourself a pep talk every morning and know that you have every reason to be confident in yourself. This healthy state of mind will transfer to other areas of your life. Use this as fuel to take better care of your physical self. Use this as fuel to take better care of your mental self. Allow yourself to speak with a counselor and don’t be afraid to rent a self-help book from the library (Barnes and Noble has an entire section dedicated to it). Enjoy more time on your favorite trail to increase your physical health and blow off steam that could translate to better mental health. This will all help increase your confidence in yourself. Develop a routine and begin to grow accustomed this routine. As you develop your new “normal”, your confidence will grow. You will feel better about yourself and begin to see that you’re in control.
This realization of the amount of power you possess can transform the way you approach your life. The more you feel better about yourself, the more you will strive to attain more confidence. The change in other’s behavior around you will have you noticing that others are taking you seriously. This is a great feeling.
Have I struck a chord with anyone or am I just rambling? Hopefully someone has found reason in their life to be confident. We all have a reason, however, sometimes it can be difficult to find a place to start. That is perfectly fine!! Start slow and assess your interests. Find what you enjoy and find what you are good at. Remain open to new ideas and allow yourself to believe that you are better at some things than others. This is probably the truth. We all have qualities that make us better at some things than others.
With all of this confidence talk, I want to encourage everyone to remain humble. Confidence is not an excuse to blow off others or treat others with disrespect if they are wrong. Confidence is believing in yourself and trusting that you are doing what is necessary to better yourself. At times, confidence can be gained from helping others. Be confident, not cocky, and be willing to share your knowledge. Believe in yourself and treat others with respect. That is a very broad and simple idea, but the point is very simple. Be good to other people and utilize your confidence to better your situation. Others will begin to believe in you and your boundaries will help to provide you with the most ideal situation to grow your confidence. You deserve to feel better about yourself. Once again, be selfish periodically and know that the best person to care for you is you.
About the Author
Tim Fitzpatrick | The Counseling Hub in Columbia, Mo
Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.
Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.
Change, Part 3 - Making a Change
Let the work begin! Well, that may sound a little over ambitious. Start with the small things to get going. It’s a difficult process and this is supposed to make you feel better, not overwhelmed. Try different things and see how that feels.
Let the work begin! Well, that may sound a little over ambitious. Start with the small things to get going. It’s a difficult process and this is supposed to make you feel better, not overwhelmed. Try different things and see how that feels. There is no need to implement a large change to start. This can lead to getting overwhelmed with the changes. When change seems to difficult to do on your own, seeking counseling here at The Counseling Hub in Columbia, Missouri can be helpful. We need to feel comfortable with these changes. Allow yourself to experience your feelings and evaluate the way you feel following the implementation of these changes.
Keep in mind that this is for you. People will probably notice that you are doing something a little differently. That is not a bad thing! If they say something to you about it, own it. I’ve experienced situations where people say something to me, which follows with me shutting down the change I was starting to make. Why would we give someone this power? A simple reply expressing that you are trying something new will suffice. You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to justify yourself.
One of the most helpful things about making a change is to examine changes on a larger scale. Everyone is trying to change. Whether they are trying to lose weight or trying increase their knowledge in a certain subject, changes are always being sought. This is the easiest way to normalize the difficulty of change. If you struggle, continue to try. You wouldn’t be the first to struggle, and you certainly won’t be the last. This is normal and change is difficult.
Suppose a gain in confidence would make you happier. You make the decision to allow yourself to set expectations a little higher and no longer allow people to treat you like you don’t matter. Great!!
You walk into work and have a lot of deadlines that are creeping up. However, you also have coworkers who assume you will do their tasks as well. Would it be rude to tell a coworker that you will not be able to make copies for them while they are on lunch? Given that this person is not in a position to be ordering you to do things for them, this would not be rude at all! You are allowed to put your task before others. Simply express that and this could prevent you from being taken advantage of in the future. You are not there to make friends and make others happy. We all have things to do and sometimes you may rub others the wrong way when they assumed something about you that is incorrect.
This will lead to uncomfortable situations (trust me, it will). This discomfort will only last a couple days and soon people will learn that you also have boundaries similar to everyone else. As long as you know the environment, then you should be fine. Try to refrain doing this to your direct superiors at work as this could cause issues (DISCLAIMER!!) and utilize these skills for the meaningless busy work that is handed to you by people who are too lazy to do it themselves.
How free will you feel? Will the anxiety of deadlines approaching while you are doing meaningless work (for others) be reduced? Allow yourself to set boundaries and know that certain stressors could dissipate. Your mental health is so important, and this will have a direct effect. Enjoy it! Happiness is the ultimate goal and it truly is a great feeling.
Change, Part 2 - Preparing for a Change
Change can be intimidating. Change is difficult. Luckily, we can prepare for this change. Nobody can be expected to change without a little preparation. There’s a high chance this change will be difficult if this stress and anxiety has been part of your life for a while. Take a deep breath and remember that this is for you.
Change can be intimidating. Change is difficult. Luckily, we can prepare for this change. Nobody can be expected to change without a little preparation. There’s a high chance this change will be difficult if this stress and anxiety has been part of your life for a while. Take a deep breath and remember that this is for you. This is only the preparation.
So you need to make a change….. This is difficult. You need to do some prep work. This is similar to reading the instructions before you put together a shelf. Do I have the necessary tools? Are all the parts accounted for?
This is where we typically get in our own way. I don’t think I’m alone in this thinking process. We know the change but we want to ensure that we make this change when we are fully ready. However, we struggle to identify when that time is. You can spend time identifying the ways that you handle your stress and anxiety and discover what the causes are. Write them down if you need to.
I feel overwhelmed when I am trying to find my favorite soup and there are others in the aisle.
I feel stressed when I am given a deadline at work that I was not expecting.
Identifying these feelings can help you to understand what stands in the way of making that needed change in your life and of happiness. Don’t get overwhelmed with making the change. Let’s think about how we can better position our self to make this change effectively. Feeling anxious is awful but there is typically a reason for it. Process through the series of events that lead to this.
Were you anxious because you felt that people were looking at what you chose to wear? Are you happy with what you are wearing? If not, why are you wearing it? Did you have enough time to review your options in the morning? Would an extra fifteen minutes in the morning help you feel more comfortable throughout the day? That seems like an easy change to make. Right now, this is more about being self-aware than it is about changing behavior. We should be able to figure out how we end up in situations that bring us unwanted feelings.
If we can’t figure it out, could we pay more attention to our needs? There is no need to view this as selfish behavior. Think of it as self-care! Most of us could use a little more than we are currently providing ourselves.
As stated previously, change is difficult. Don’t let this difficulty intimidate you! You’ve prepared, and you understand that this is an investment in yourself. It’s similar to making sure you don’t spend too much on a gift but having much more freedom with your money when buying for yourself. This change can be life changing and the preparation is just as important. Prepare correctly and this change will feel natural.
Change, Part 1 - Recognizing the Need for Making a Change
Suppose you are a receptionist. You get up every morning and prepare to go to a job where you must greet visitors and answer phones in a friendly nature. This is obviously not true for all, but play along with me. Every night before work there is a brief period of time that should be spent relaxing and preparing for the morning.
Suppose you are a receptionist. You get up every morning and prepare to go to a job where you must greet visitors and answer phones in a friendly nature. This is obviously not true for all, but play along with me. Every night before work there is a brief period of time that should be spent relaxing and preparing for the morning. We all need to destress and reset from the day’s stressors in order to attack the next day with the best version of ourselves. Knowing this, we convince our self that the day will be great and find any way possible to get some much-needed sleep. If we don’t, we lay in agony from the thought of the upcoming events. Either way, we know deep down that tomorrow will not be our best day.
Good morning! The anxiety has struck, and you no longer want to leave bed. You want to avoid the expectations of work and the awkward social interactions that will come. Before you’ve even left bed, you’ve developed a whole new career path that will have you as far away from that office as possible...in the next 10 years. Now that time frame is not always true, but it generally feels like it will take us forever to find happiness.
These feelings of overwhelming anxiety are terrible and completely unnecessary. You can put yourself in a situation where you enjoy your work, enjoy your social interactions, and enjoy your days. While these anxious feelings may be a catalyst for change (attaching a positive spin!!), they can be debilitating and make you miserable. If you haven’t noticed by now, there should be a point in all of these feelings where you realize that a change must be made. Whether this be a change of perspective or a change in career path, it is obvious that something needs to change.
This description was specific to a job that someone didn’t enjoy. However, this situation can be used to describe relationships that bring us discomfort and anxiety. It can be used to describe the feeling someone has as they discover that they will need to go to the grocery store in order to provide food for their household.
"I do not have to feel this way. I can no longer allow my stress and anxiety to control me. I can no longer let others control me. I need to change."
This is just the beginning. This is the easy part. Happiness is something we are all chasing, and considering a change for yourself that may lead to more happiness seems like a positive step. I’m not happy with the way things are and I need to change. It’s a basic concept and self-centered, but in the perfect way with zero negative connotations. This is for you!