How to Handle Someone Not Listening

“I feel like I am not listened to and it hurts.”

Ever leave a conversation with your partner feeling not listened to? What about feeling defeated? Pissed? Misunderstood? If you have walked away from a conversation feeling like nothing you said mattered, that feels terrible! We all have been the one feeling defeated and the one who’s not showing off their good listening skills. Either way, there are some things you can do to improve the chances of being listened to. Keep in mind, that just because you’re choosing to try to be an effective communicator doesn’t mean that the other person will be a good listener. The goal here is to try to be as clear and intentional about your message in a specific way which will likely lead to being listened to. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to will be able to follow suit and both of you will feel heard, understood, and respected.

Prepare For The Conversation

When and Where?

One thing that is important to consider when you want to be listened to is context. I know from personal experience that it can be ridiculously hard to wait to talk about something when your blood is pumping, and that person has either hit a raw nerve or just plainly won’t listen to you. If your blood is pumping it might be best to wait and calm down first. Once you’ve calmed down and are ready to talk about the issue again considering time and setting are very important.

Telling your partner that you feel hurt by something they said or did is important in a healthy relationship versus fighting, but it may fall on deaf ears if the time and place are not appropriate for the conversation. For instance, pretend you’re pissed because your partner didn’t switch the laundry before bed and now it’s soured from being in the washer all night. Waking your partner up and expressing frustration you have for him or her might not go over so well. If you were to wait until they are up and alert, then it’s more likely your partner will hear what you’ve got to say.

A good rule of thumb is to think about how you would feel if whatever you want to talk about was presented to you. It’s also good to think about how your partner has responded in the past. If you know that they don’t like talking about serious things right before going to bed, then it might be best to have a talk mid- morning or early evening.

Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt.

I am going to challenge you, which you might find difficult but hopefully not. I challenge you to think that your partner does want to listen to you- even if it doesn’t feel like it. Going into a conversation with the mindset that your partner does want to listen to you can help you feel less like they’re the enemy and they want steady communication with you.

Think of it this way: if you have a red car- you see red cars everywhere. If you think your partner won’t listen, then you will be looking for signals that they don’t want to listen. The opposite is true too. If you think that they care to listen going in, then you will find evidence to support that. Another thing to keep in mind is that they have their own feelings and thoughts which needs to be expressed as well. Think about a time when you started a conversation wanting to be listened to and by the end you wound up in a fight. One reason is that both people are trying so desperately to be heard that each person begins to become louder and more fortified trying to be the first to get their point across. No understanding can come from two people digging their heels in deeper and deeper. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they do want to hear what you have to say and that they have thoughts and feelings too.

If you go into the conversation with the mindset that your partner doesn’t want to listen, or that they won’t, then you haven’t given them a fair chance.

Plan For It

So knowing when and where to have a conversation is one piece of a plan but there are some other things you can consider before having a discussion. These can include reflecting on what are the main things you want to be understood on? What happens if your partner rejects the time or place for discussion? What happens if the whole thing starts to go south and you wind up talking about unrelated things? I am not suggesting coming into a conversation with bullet points and no room for flexibility. I am suggesting that having a plan for what you want and encountering potential barriers to being understood can help increase the chances of you effectively communicating.

Being Realistic

Let’s be real. There are going to be many conversations that whatever is talked about isn’t necessarily going to be fixed. You may leave the conversation still feeling like the problem is there- so what’s the point? The point is that you were able to express yourself and (hopefully) both people will have more empathy for the other. This empathy leads to connection. Again, it’s also possible that no matter what you do to prepare, the talk can backfire. Be realistic about what you want and what you expect from your partner. Think about how you would respond if what you were saying were coming off the lips of your partner. Another thing to think about is that if you’ve got a thought or need, your partner probably does too. Once you’ve had your chance to express yourself fully, you will need to allow your partner the same respect. Your partner needs to be listened to just like you do so take turns. Lastly, reflect on if it’s important to be listened to first. If there isn’t a reason that you must speak first, you can let your partner talk first while you demonstrate good listening skills.

During the Conversation

As in most of my blogs, the methods suggested here are from the well-researched and established Gottman Method Couples Therapy. They deserve the credit for these beautiful techniques which have helped so many couples feel more understood!

First, the way you start a conversation is likely how it will end. If the conversation starts like, “You never do the dishes!” (a.k.a. criticism) then it’s not likely the other person will want to listen much further. Starting off with criticism, blaming, cursing, harsh tone, mockery, or loud volume quickly turns off listening and the person you want to listen to you so badly is likely fortifying their position. Being able to express what you want or need must be done so in a way that the other person doesn’t want to run away or counter attack. Words matter. You might notice that there are hot topics that you and your partner discuss which automatically make your body tense up. Just an utterance can provoke this response which can set your communication up for failure- so words matter.

Try beginning the conversation with talking about you. Keep the focus on how you’re feeling, what you’re needing, what you experienced rather than what your partner did. Think about the last time you were accused of something- what did it feel like? Most people would want to defend themselves, and the listener is not an exception. Even if you say it in a calm tone. If you use “you-statements” then often the listener feels accused, attacked, picked on, misunderstood, or something of that nature. The byproduct is that listening goes out the window. Using I-statements may sound like this, “I have a busy day today and am feeling frustrated that the clothes are in the washer still.” Again, just because you say it a certain way doesn’t mean it will be accepted, but the previous statement allows for much greater understanding than something like this: “You know I have a busy day and now I have more laundry to do. Now I am starting the day pissed off! Great!” Yeah, I prefer to hear the first example.

Another good thing to do during the conversation is to let your partner have a turn talking. They have needs and feelings regarding what you’re bringing to them and they need to be able to feel heard too. Once you are listener, try to suspend judgement. Try to listen to what they think and feel. It may seem odd that you are listening when you are the one that wants to be heard and understood, but if you can be a supportive listener, your partner will probably want to be one for you as well.

One last thing I suggest is telling your partner how good it feels when you feel listened to. If you had a conversation where you felt heard, then tell them! The two of you can make mental notes about what works and what doesn’t. Telling them how connected and positive you feel afterwards can deepen your bond and lead to further effective communicating.

Being listened to is a complicated thing. First, you must go into the conversation knowing what you want from it. You must also be prepared for it not to go exactly how you planned it to. Taking into consideration time and place is important to help raise the chances of feeling heard and understood. You must also try recognizing and being okay with the fact that your partner has an opinion, and that doesn’t mean that your thoughts and feelings are not true. Don’t forget that listening must take turns- you can lead listening by example. Going into the conversation with a positive mind about your partner, that they really do want to listen is helpful as well. Starting a conversation gently and avoiding critical or judgement is important because once a conversation starts, that is likely how it will end. Using I-feel statements (and avoiding you-statements) can help reduce the chance the listener feels attacked. If you’re able to feel heard, don’t forget to tell your partner!

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About the Author

Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Are We Even Compatible?!

Here's a question I've heard before - maybe it's even a question you've asked yourself in the heat of battle...

Is this normal or are we not actually compatible?

Then, for the icing on the cake: Shouldn't I be feeling (insert your choice of feeling word - the one that you've probably said to yourself before)?!

Well, let's talk, shall we? 

First, that's a scary question at any point in a relationship. I would say especially when you've invested a certain amount of time and energy into making it work. To feel that sick thud of doubt is terrifying for many people and... it doesn't actually mean anything.

I mean, sure, it means that you're definitely in the middle or something big and that you're definitely reevaluating your relationship (on some level). Feeling that doubt or even questioning your relationship doesn't mean, however, that you're doomed to fail, or that you're with the wrong person, or that you're even doing something wrong as a couple.

Here are three reasons why.

1.  Doubt Doesn't Necessarily Mean Don't
Let's be real, here. We've all felt doubt about our relationship at certain points. If you haven't, freaking congratulations!! That's really fantastic and I'm happy to hear. If you have, you are not alone!! It is absolutely not uncommon to question whether the relationship you're in is actually working or if you're forcing it to work or if you'd be better off with someone else or if you're being your true self or why you're staying when you'd rather be trekking off to Europe to meet a passionate, Italian artist who drinks fine wine and sweeps you off your feet. It's all normal.

When you feel that heavy thud of doubt, I want you to lean into it. If anything, it's telling you that something is off. That something doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your partner.  

Let me repeat because that piece is especially important. 

That "something" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your partner.

ne of the craziest things I've come to realize (and learn through research and working with clients) is that our stuff that comes up is mostly reflective of us and NOT the person we're with. If you're feeling doubt, don't run from it - question it. Ask yourself what you're feeling doubt about. Ask yourself if what the doubt is trying to tell you. Ask yourself what you can do for yourself that would alleviate the doubt. Some answers might be easy (e.g. "get more sleep") and others might be hard (e.g. "tell him/her I don't want another baby"). It's important to embrace the doubt. Running from it won't make it go away, nor will it make you feel better.

Trust that it's there for a reason and, yet again, that reason may have little, if anything, to do with your partner. So no, doubt doesn't mean you are doomed.

2. Assessment is NORMAL
This may very well be one of my favorite things I've ever learned (and experienced) about relationships. Your tendency to assess whether the relationship is working or not...? You know that tendency I'm talking about, right? Where you question everything (see the section above on doubt), where you wonder if your goals are still the same, where you speculate as to whether you're going to make it through the long haul if you have to pick up one more dirty sock (a slight exaggeration here) - guess what? Also normal.

Yes, you heard me right, normal.

Relationships go through phases. There's that first stage, what we like to call commitment. This is where we agree to commit to one another and thus begin our loving union. Immediately following, we have that accommodation stage. I'm sure you can guess this one - it's where negotiate being together. This can be tricky, at times, but it's par for the course. The third little gem is that assessment stage!! Once we make adjustments and go on committing, we begin to question whether it's worth it. Again, we begin to question whether the relationship is worth it. We weigh the pros and cons, so to speak. If so, we recommit (yay) and if not, we break things off (*cue sad music). 

The other fun (is fun the right word?) fact about this is that it goes on consistently (with less frequency) throughout relationships. It's not as thought you go through that cycle once and then you're done. Nope, you go through multiple times, over and over.

The point of me writing this is to say that when you're questioning compatibility and those annoying quirks that your partner has (that you used to think were super cute), trust that this is a normal process, even if it doesn't necessarily feel very good. 

3. Fighting Feels Shitty
Ahhh, the last piece. I'm just going to cut to the chase here. Fighting sucks. 

There. I said it. It's not fun, it raises blood pressure and heart rates, it's uncomfortable to feel tension, and it sucks to be butting heads with a partner (or partners, if you're poly) when all you want to do is get along.

With that said, some people like conflict. So, for you, this section might feel totally irrelevant. Huzzah, I say! Enjoy you're fighting and I hope the first two points resonated with you!

For my other friends, fighting still sucks. And here's some good news. ALL COUPLES ARGUE AND ARGUING IS NOT A SIGN OF ANYTHING WRONG.

As a caveat, there are good and bad ways to argue. Good and bad are not value judgments. What I mean by "good" is that they are not related to divorce. What I mean by "bad" is that they are highly related to divorce. In other words, good fighting is okay and bad fighting can be predictive (long-term) of divorce.

Back to my point. When you're in the throes of a heated argument and you begin to question everything about your partner - just leave it there. That questioning piece, the one asking if you're even compatible or if you were with somebody else they would just agree with you, it's highly likely more a function of being in the middle of an argument, rather than being a core issue in your relationship. I'm a highly emotional person (and totally fine with that), which means that I sometimes jump to the worst possible scenario when my husband is about three years behind me. I'll get to a place of being 70 and breaking my hip when I bend over to pick up his sock and he's just thinking about why his sock on the ground is that big of a deal. Again, exaggeration, but you get my gist. 

When we fight, for those of us who don't enjoy it, it's uncomfortable and can easily lead to questioning whether things are "right" or whether you are "compatible." No, in that moment, things aren't right because you're not feeling good about your interaction. And no, in that moment, you're not compatible because you're disagreeing! Neither of those things means that, ultimately, you're incompatible and that, ultimately, things are wrong. 

Let the fight be what it is - a fight. 

All of this to say that doubt is okay, assessing your relationship is okay, and fighting is okay (when done right). It's all good, baby. Ride the wave of discontent and follow it up with a splash of ocean breeze. Ebb and flow - that's the way it works.

Are you still not sure whether what you're experiencing is normal? No problem - contact me today (tara@thecounselinghub.com) and straight through the contact form and we can chat. 

For the rest of you who have successfully navigated this terrain - what has worked for you?! How have you succeeded through those times?! I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.

*Disclaimer: In no way am I supporting any sort of abusive, coercive, or violent situations. If you aren't sure whether you're in the situation, read more here and here and here. 

Engaging Emotionally with Your Partner

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

— M. Scott Peck

One of the most common themes I see between hetero couples (some same-gender couples, but lots of hetero) is that they are speaking two different languages.

Not literally, obviously, but they may as well be. Couples will come into session, feeling infuriated, misunderstood, and irritated with the other. She's upset because he's not listening. He's upset because she doesn't make any sense. They both are trying to say their piece, but aren't getting through to one another.

My couple sessions, especially, are Gottman style (to the extent possible - I'm not fully certified at this point, but I've done the Level 1 training and will be continuing with the other trainings to get fully certified). This means that one piece of the first session is to have couples engage in a 'conflict discussion.' I tell them that they're open to talk about any conflict in their life - they can get mad, they can stay calm, or they can sit and stare daggers at each other. I just want them to talk about something they disagree on so that I can assess the four horsemen and conflict style. Both of which are important (surprisingly, the content of an argument isn't important - it's the style and presence of the horsemen that are telling). SO - I have couples engage in conflict discussion and then, more often than not, I notice one thing. I mean, there's lots of things to notice, but this piece is usually one of the first to show up. It's when couples are firing right past each other without realizing what the other is trying to say.

For instance, she says that she doesn't like when he goes out with his family because his brother is a bad influence. She doesn't trust his brother. He responds by saying that he hasn't done anything stupid with his brother in five years and that she's living in the past. She says she knows he's right, but that she doesn't like it. He asks for an example regarding why she doesn't like it. And so on and so forth. No resolution. In this case, no hatred or vile anger - just not being on the same page.

Here's the common theme - it's emotion-focused coping versus solution-focused coping. 

Emotion-Focused 
This is about the feelings and thoughts behind an issue. It's the experience of the issue and there's no need to come to a solution. The solution is in the process, meaning that in talking about it, people feel better. This is what lots of women bring into the session (DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL WOMEN FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY - THIS IS A BROAD BRUSH STROKE). You can see this in the example above. She's trying to tell him that she's feeling nervous and uncomfortable about him going. She's heard his stories and doesn't like to think of him cavorting around as a single male. She's nervous.

Solution-Focused
If you couldn't already tell at this point, with hetero couples, this is where the men generally (not all the time) fall. And you can see it in the example above. He, on the other hand, doesn't understand why she doesn't trust his brother, why she's even talking about this, and why she won't hear him when he explains that she's mistaken. He's trying to solve each problem that she brings up by giving her responses to the content of what she's saying. 

Both parties are missing each other. 

The good news? This isn't really that big of a fix. I mean, it's habitual (probably partly genetic/biological and partly social), but it's not impossible, by any means, to change some things up and help both parties be heard even better.

Two quick things that can be done?

1. Emotion-focused coper can learn to clearly articulate the feeling of what they're going through, as well as clearly state that they don't need an answer or solution right away, they just want to talk about their feelings. 
2. Solution-focused coper can learn to refrain from offering solutions right away and, instead, allow for partner to share feelings. A step further might even be attuning to those feelings by saying things like, "Sounds like you're anxious. Tell me about it." Or, "I'm sorry you're nervous about this. I wish I knew how to help you."

Also important - after an emotion-focused coper feels heard, the cherry on the sundae is that the solution-focused coper can then share their solution! Yippee!! This can come in one of two ways - the emotion-focused coper can state or ask for a solution to their problem, or the solution-focused coper can ask, "Would you be open to a suggestion of mine? I'd love to help you out with this, but I want to make sure you're in a place you can hear it."

Both parties will be happier, feel more heard, and feel more engaged with each other, rather than feeling confused, mistreated, and upset.