For most of history, therapy has been viewed as primarily an in-person experience. It was one where you would schedule an appointment via phone, drive to the office, and sit in a waiting area until your name(s) are called. You would shake hands with a (hopefully) caring and warm therapist who would direct you into their office and offer you a seat. Although you might be nervous, you know that you need to be here. Especially, if you’ve just discovered (or your partner has discovered) an affair. Being in a therapist’s office after the discovery of infidelity can feel like a couple of different things.
It could feel like a safe haven where the therapist will see your horrible shame and vouch that your partner should believe your recommitment.
It could feel like relief to know that you are going to be helped or told what to do to “fix” it (which is not exactly what we do).
Or, it could feel like you are voluntarily walking into a hell that you cannot escape for an hour (or 90-minutes) while hoping that your angry partner will eventually lose steam and everything will be okay again.
Then again, it might feel like a giant waste of time because you haven’t decided if you want to continue in the relationship or not, which is where discernment counseling might come in handy. Any of these feelings or situations are common. Again, what is certain, is that if there’s chance of salvaging the relationship, or healing in the most efficient way possible, then you need to be in therapy.
Many people fall into one small problem: showing up to a counselor’s office isn’t an option right now, for whatever reason. Maybe you or your partner travel for work and are gone for most weeks out of the year. It could be possible you can only do late evenings or weekends and the office building is locked down at that time. Maybe you have children and it’s not possible to drive into the office or there is no one to come to the house to watch the kids. For the most common right now, maybe there is a global pandemic occurring and counselors are only seeing clients via telehealth. Whatever it may be, you can still do the work. You can still reap the benefits of in person therapy during this difficult time from the comfort of your own home/office/hotel/wherever.
What Should I Expect During Sessions in Person?
Well, this is a loaded question. First, we use the Gottman Method Couples Therapy at The Counseling Hub. This method in particular emphasizes assessment. Yes, at the first session you will be asked about what’s going on currently (also known as the presenting concern in therapist lingo), but you’ll also be asked about a lot of stuff that may not seem particularly relevant to the exact thing that brought you in. W hen a person (or individual) shows up, there will be a lot of information gathering to help your therapist know what is happening and how you and your partner got to where you are in your relationship. The Gottman method uses assessment as a map (their analogy which I love to use). The idea is that you can drive a car as fast as you want (i.e., start doing therapy the first session) but if you don’t know where you’re at (i.e., knowledge gained from assessment) it doesn’t matter how fast you drive. In other words, therapists want to know as much about the relationship as possible to know where the couple’s strengths and areas of improvement are. This helps our team to be the most effective and efficient counselors they can for you. Assessment is necessary. It’s also difficult when emotions are high. It might seem strange, but one very important thing to know is that explaining the why an affair happened is not one question your therapist will ask during the first few sessions. That question will be one that is discovered through therapy across time without blaming either partner.
Feedback (session three) is unique session. During this session your therapist will share what research has shown about not only couples who stay together, but couples who stay together and are happy and satisfied. Once you know about some of this, your relationship will be inspected to see where it lands in comparison. This gives direction and hope. Not only will you learn about healthy relationships, your counselor should give you information about affairs and infidelity, too. The Gottman’s use their own developed framework for working with affairs which they named the Atone-Attune-Attach method. This framework will be explained during the feedback session of assessment. It has three phases which will help heal the couple in a way that has evidence from research: it’s not just theory.
After meeting the first three sessions (together, individual, together) your therapy journey will begin to take on a new look. From feedback onward you will be guided by your therapist in using effective and helpful (not harmful) ways of communicating. Your sessions will go from talking to the counselor about what is and has been going on, to one where you talk to your partner. Which might be terrifying, but necessary. You will then be guided through expressing feelings about the infidelity. You will talk about big moments in the past. You will discuss what your needs are: past ones which were not fulfilled and current ones. You will live in transparency with your partner- which might be the first time for some of you. Couples therapy is not fun at times- it’s difficult and messy. I like to tell people that you may leave some sessions feeling like crap, and others where you feel on top of the world; especially when there has been an affair. If you choose to rebuild your relationship stronger and healthier, it’ll be worth the mess and work.
What to Expect With Online Counseling?
This is going to be the smallest section. Telehealth has been proven to be as effective as in person therapy. What does this mean? Telehealth works practically the same as in-person sessions. That is why this section is the smallest- it’s all the stuff from above! There do happen to be a few differences one might consider. One is that you don’t have a warm body in the room with you- aside from your partner. Some of you might feel that as a relief for many reasons (fear of judgement, worrying about catching COVID-19, etc.) While others might feel nervous for may reasons (what if my partner unleashes their anger on me?) The other difference is the logistical things- like using a computer and what room to have therapy in. Many questions you have about telehealth can be found on our telehealth faq page. Otherwise, you should expect the same level of care as an in-person session. If this didn’t happen to answer a question you might have, it’s also worth contacting us to get your question answered!
Help Can Be… Helpful!
If this is your reality right now, and you’re experiencing the unearthing of your relationship due to an affair or infidelity you will probably need assistance from a trained professional. Not saying you don’t have the capacities to do it on your own, seeing that most people are very resilient. What I am suggesting is that it doesn’t hurt to get some help from someone who has the knowledge and experience to guide you in the most efficient and caring way. Telehealth is a convenient and efficient way to receive help- even when there is not a pandemic going on. It has been shown to be as beneficial as in person therapy. If your relationship has been wounded from an affair or infidelity, seeking help in any platform- telehealth or in person- can help. Why not give it a try?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College.
Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).
Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.