Strengthening Your Relationship: The Benefits of Marriage Counseling with The Counseling Hub in Jefferson City, Missouri
One of the primary benefits of marriage counseling is improved communication. Many couples struggle with expressing their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. Worse than that, these hurts can build up over time and, if left unaddressed, wreak havoc on the satisfaction and health of the people within the relationship.
Photo by Hannah Stevens: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-blue-kissing-woman-on-forehead-3724031/
What is Marriage Counseling and Why is it Important?
Marriage counseling, also known as couples therapy, is a form of therapy that focuses on improving communication and resolving conflicts between partners in a committed relationship. It can be an effective way to strengthen a relationship, overcome challenged (like unhealthy conflict), and prevent divorce.
In fact, studies have shown that couples who attend marriage counseling are more likely to stay together and have a happier, healthier relationship. #HoorayyyyResearch!!
Benefits of Marriage Counseling: Improved Communication, Conflict Resolution, and More
One of the primary benefits of marriage counseling is improved communication. Many couples struggle with expressing their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. Worse than that, these hurts can build up over time and, if left unaddressed, wreak havoc on the satisfaction and health of the people within the relationship.
Marriage counseling can help couples learn how to communicate effectively, listen actively, and understand each other's perspectives. This can (and often does) lead to a deeper connection and a stronger bond between partners, as well as enhanced understanding, intimacy, and, most importantly, more happiness and satisfaction with the relationship.
Another benefit of marriage counseling is conflict resolution.
Every relationship has its share of disagreements and conflicts, but it's how those conflicts are handled that can make or break the relationship.
Marriage counseling can help couples learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy and productive way, without resorting to name-calling, blaming, or other destructive behaviors (four horsemen, we’re looking at you). This can lead to a more peaceful and harmonious relationship.
Addressing Underlying Issues: How Marriage Counseling Can Help with Mental Health Challenges
Marriage counseling can also help couples identify and address underlying issues that may be affecting their relationship. For example, if one partner is struggling with anxiety or depression, it can impact the relationship in a negative way. Marriage counseling can help identify these issues and provide strategies for coping and managing them in a way that is supportive of the relationship.
The Counseling Hub: A Trusted Resource for Couples in Jefferson City, Missouri
If you're looking for a marriage counselor in Jefferson City, Missouri, The Counseling Hub is an excellent resource. The Counseling Hub is a team of licensed therapists who specialize in working with couples and families. They offer a variety of services, including individual counseling, couples counseling, and group therapy.
You might still be wondering, “will counseling work for me?” It’s cool if you are - we’re no stranger to doubt and understand that trusting this process (and finding a clinician) are radical acts of vulnerability.
Evidence-Based Therapies: How The Counseling Hub Uses Research-Backed Techniques to Help Couples
One of the benefits of working with us is our focus on evidence-based therapies. We use research-backed techniques and interventions to help couples achieve their goals and improve their relationship. This includes techniques such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy, which has been shown to be highly effective in improving communication and resolving conflicts in couples.
A Safe and Supportive Environment: Why The Counseling Hub is a Great Choice for Couples Seeking Counseling
Photo by Marcelo Chagas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-men-holding-hands-1784281/
In addition to our specialization and expertise in couples therapy, we also offers a supportive and non-judgmental environment (this is a must). Our therapists understand that seeking counseling can be a difficult and vulnerable experience, and we strive to create a safe space for their clients to explore feelings, increase vulnerability, and work through challenges.
Strengthening Your Relationship with Marriage Counseling from The Counseling Hub.
Overall, marriage counseling can be a valuable tool for couples who are struggling with communication, conflict resolution, or other issues in their relationship. By working with a licensed therapist, couples can learn new skills, gain new perspectives, and strengthen their bond.
If you're in Jefferson City, Missouri, consider reaching out to The Counseling Hub for support and guidance on your journey towards a happier, healthier relationship.
Contempt - Horsemen 4/4
In marriage therapy terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground…
The Four Horsemen | Contempt
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi).
Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.
Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.
PHEW.
Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.
Contempt - What is it?!
In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.
It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.
Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience.
I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!
Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.
The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.
Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...
Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up.
It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults.
Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs.
Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small.
There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.
I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens.
If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members.
Stonewalling - Horsemen 3/4
And it’s on to the next one. Stonewalling, my friends. This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.
This is the long and short of what happens.
Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.
The Four Horsemen | Stonewalling
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
Alrighty. We've covered criticism and defensiveness. And now it’s on to the next one.
Stonewalling, my friends.
This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.
This is the long and short of what happens.
Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.
The conversation continues and intensifies. Nothing terrible, but definitely intense.
Then, a criticism. And then defensiveness.
Partner A’s heat rate has jumped even more, to about 88 beats per minute. Partner B is just now reaching 78.
At this point, we’d encourage partner A to engage in some self-soothing, in order to bring their heart rate down, but they’re not in therapy and they don’t know about the need for self-soothing. In fact, they don’t even realize they’ve escalated to that point.
The conflict continues and Partner A hits about 95-100 beats per minute. At that point, partner A is done. In essence, their body says to them, “Nope, too much. I’m done, dude. I’m shutting down,” and that’s exactly what happens. Partner A has hit diffuse physiological arousal. In essence, partner A can’t think straight, can’t hear what’s being said, can’t focus, and their face and responses reflect a wall (hence “stonewall”).
Why it’s interesting is that it’s the only horseman to be a direct response to physiological arousal (too much of it and not in the right context - #heyo #sextherapyftw).
What’s even more interesting is that, generally speaking, when partner A shuts down, partner B’s heart rate jumps!!! As in, now they’re feeling a heightened state of arousal much in the same way partner A was initially. And they're a little bit in freak out mode because they want to reconnect with parter A. It's infuriating, but is rife with panic!
It’s all chaos from there. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I mean, it can definitely slide into further chaos, but it can also be addressed accordingly. In saying that, I mean to say that self-soothing is one way of handling stonewalling (and flooding, which can lead to stonewalling).
And also this: just because you may tend to stonewall (or be with a partner that stonewalls) doesn't mean it's "stuck" that way forever. There are very tried and true methods for alleviating the horsemen and the result is a much healthier, happier, and connected relationship. Also, these methods are part of the antidotes to the four horsemen, which are necessary for changing poor communication patterns!
Much like every other post on here, it’s easy (and fascinating) to talk about, but not as easy to overcome. Meaning that it’s simple, but still can be difficult to put into practice. That’s where couples counseling can be helpful (one of many ways it can be helpful).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4
Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.
The Four Horsemen | Defensiveness
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
And we're back!
Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling).
How does defensiveness feel?
Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.
Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?
If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!
You've officially experienced defensiveness.
The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.
How does defensiveness show up?
The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").
Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.
You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!
When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
The Four Horsemen (of Relationships)
When we talk about the four horsemen, we're not talking about the apocalypse. We're talking about four styles of communication that, when present within relationships, predict the eventual dissolution of that relationship.
The Four Horsemen | An Overview
Couples Therapy & Counseling, Marriage Counseling
Columbia, Mo and Jefferson City, Mo
When we talk about the four horsemen during couples counseling, we're not talking about the apocalypse. We're talking about four styles of communication that, when present within relationships (and especially conflict) at a certain ratio, predict the eventual dissolution of that relationship.
Basically, when conversations start with the four horsemen (or harsh startup, which is something different yet related), there’s a higher chance that couples will negatively react. In research-y language, we call it negative affect reciprocity. In laypeople language, we call it negatively reacting to your partner. Once it starts, we expect that the immediate response (from one’s partner) will include one or more or the four horsemen and that if left unchecked, it’ll snowball, keep snowballing, and then lead to a higher likelihood of unhappiness, dissolution, separation, or divorce. Because that’s ultimately what the horsemen are about - predicting relationship dissolution.
*I’d also be remiss if I didn’t give full credit where credit is due. In no way, shape, or form, did I think of or come up with the four horsemen on my own. You can thank John and Julie Gottman for that, two gurus in the couples thearpy world. Yours truly utilizes the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach with couples counseling (because it’s the best there is).
What are the four horsemen, exactly? Also, why should I care?
Well, I’m happy you’ve asked!
The four horsemen are criticism (i.e. you’re selfish, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate), defensiveness (i.e. “YOU didn’t do the dishes, either!!”), stonewalling (i.e. body shut down, mostly perpetrated by men although females do the same thing), and contempt (i.e. scorn, dismissive, eye rolling). Contempt is the most corrosive and toxic (especially when it’s from males to females <-specific to heterosexual relationships, but it’s toxic in all relationships).
*Those super brief parenthetical descriptions are hardly even considered a tip of the iceberg for describing the horsemen, so please click on each one to read more.
One of our favorite things about marriage counseling and couples therapy is that for every 'problem,' there's a 'solution.' With that said, it's not up to the counselor to 'fix' the relationship. I would go so far as to say that it has little, if anything, to do with the counselor. Yes, obviously, the counselor is there to help you and your partner learn how to really connect, fight, and feel understood, but counselors can’t force anybody to actually do the work. That’s what I’m trying to get at by saying it’s not up to the counselor to ‘fix’ the relationship. Ultimately, each party in the relationship has a high level of responsibility for engaging in the process and for maintaining the changes made.
Why do I need couples counseling for this?
Changes don't happen overnight. Well, technically, they can, but consistency with the new ways of being in your relationship takes time (and practice). And there's a huge (HHUUGGEEE) difference between knowing something/reading something/learning something and actually implementing it (read: you might know what to do, but do you do it?).
We can't even tell you how many times we've heard some variation of, "This is so hard!" once a person starts to engage in new types of dialogue. It's simple, but it's definitely easy to do. Especially if it's a hot button issue or topic.
This is why relationship counseling is important. Not only can your counselor help you identify your horsemen, but can also help you find new (and non-horseman-y) ways of saying what you need and want to say, and we'll be sure to introduce you to the antidotes to the horsemen, which are critical to relationship success!
About the Author
Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling | Columbia, Mo
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a practicing counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri, and a supervisor for provisionally licensed professionals in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara earned her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, relationships, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyles and mental health, and building a private practice (solo and group).