My Friend is Driving Me Crazy - What Do I Do?!

We focus on relationships at The Counseling Hub, but when we talk about relationships, we’re not specifically talking about romantic relationships or intimate partnerships. The term relationship implies relationships of any kind. And, much like with partnerships, relationships contain their own set of problems.

Here are three things you can do if you have a friendship with somebody who is currently driving you crazy (colloquially speaking). 

1. Tell the friend. 
   This might seem crazy (it’s not), but you could just talk directly with your friend. Of course, this is very much dependent on the situation and your relationship, but it’s completely doable. If you say it in the right way, then it’s feasible that your friend says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve had so much on my own plate that I can’t even think outside of myself.” Okay, so that response is doubtful, but you know you did what you could, in terms of saying things in a nice way (i.e. focus on your feelings and experience, not on shaming, blaming, or criticizing your friend). 
    
2. Let it ride. 
   This might sound silly, but sometimes people get in funks. You’ve been there, I’ve been there, they’ve been there - we’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s really more about letting things go than addressing them. The hard part is figuring out which is which, but be mindful of what’s going on in your friend’s life. If they just lost their job, are going through a divorce, and have a three year old, then it’s probably life stuff. If nothing has changed and they’re seemingly suddenly rude to you, then it might be something else. With all that said, life stuff doesn’t give people permission to be dicks (or abusive), but it does give us more context
    
3. Be angry. 
   Here’s another funny sounding option. Just be angry about it!! I’m not saying be angry, build resentment, blow up on your friend, and expect everything to be better. What I am saying is that you can be angry or upset when people treat you poorly. There’s a difference between allowing yourself to be treated poorly and giving distance but feeling angry. Angry doesn’t equal you have to say anything or bring it up. Angry usually signifies a perceived injustice or unfair situation, and that’s perfectly healthy.

Long story short is that there are a multitude of ways that you can address this and only three of those ways is listed above. And the reason you decide to choose one or another way should be based on your relationship with that person, your level of hurt, the situation/context, and anything else I’m not listing here (although I’m sure there are plenty of other factors).  

It’s also worth noting that I’m hardcore speaking in generalities. Having a specific situation, one where I could ask some questions to get clear, would be more useful here. With that said, this is just a general guideline - it’s definitely not the be all end all of addressing things with a friend. Think of it as a start. 

8 Reasons Counseling is Not the Same as Friendship

This is a comment and question we get frequently. "Isn't counseling just like having a friend?"

No, no, no, no, and nope (for good measure).

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. Probably because I hear people say things like, “I’m good at telling people what to do. I’m basically a counselor,” or, “My friends always ask my advice. I pretty much do counseling.”  As a counselor educator (one who trains future counselors) and counselor in private practice, I need to clarify why this is inaccurate.

*Just because it's not a friendship doesn't mean there aren't high levels of care and comraderie in the counseling office. We very much care for our clients and sometimes wish we could be friends outside of sessions! But we can't!!

In short, counseling and friendship are not the same thing. Also, as a side note, I could go on and on and on about this, so I’ll keep the rationales brief. :)

Your Friend is Not Your Counselor

1. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not.
   Long and short of this is that your counselor isn’t going to cry on your shoulder about the problems they’re going through (like divorce, death, confusion about career, depression, loneliness, etc.). That’s because it’s our job (and we LOVE IT) to put our clients first. While you might know what goes on in your counselor’s life, you’re paying for time to work through and process your own issues. We respect that and it should be your time completely. Not to mention there are ethical issues against counselors disclosing too much to clients. That’s boring to talk about, though (even if important for counselors to know).
   

2. Counseing is confidential.
   This is such a serious thing for a counselor. Basically, we’re not allowed to talk about you or the details of your problem with anybody. There are some exceptions and stipulations (like consultation or reporting child abuse, among others), but long and short of it is that we’re not going to your other friends to ask the what they think about the things you’ve told us!
   

3. Counselors are as objective as possible.
   The beauty in counselors is that we don’t feel obligated or compelled to withhold information or thoughts or feedback on the basis of it might hurt your feelings. Obviously (I hope obviously, anyway), we’re not setting out to say horrible things and hurt your feelings intentionally. My point is that we’re compelled to point out hard truths, or at least ask questions about hard truths that your friends might not feel comfortable asking.
   

4. Counselors don’t “give advice.”
   Look, if you’re looking for an answer, then you’re coming to the wrong place. If you want to know, “Should I do x or y?!” from your counselor, you’re screwed. Your counselor should not tell you what to do. What we do, instead, is help you to figure out what decision makes the most sense for you, in your life, with your relationships and feelings and experiences. Barring certain situations (domestic violence, for example), how on earth would your counselor know what’s best for you? In short, your friends might tell you exactly what they think you should do. Your counselor should not.
   

5. Counselors are trained to listen to what you’re not saying.
   This sounds silly, but it’s true. We’re trained to listen to what’s not being said. Friends don’t really do that. They tend to listen to what’s being said and directly respond to it. For example, if Susie wants to leave her husband, Frank, and she tells her friend, her friend might say, “Whatever makes you happy, Susie. You haven’t seemed happy lately!” And that’s a supportive friend - we get it. But if Susie says that to her counselor, her counselor is going to ask a shit-ton of questions about a variety of factors that might be influencing her decision, as well as underlying feelings and the meaning of such decisions (again, thinks that aren’t necessarily said out loud without prompting).
   

6. Counselors don’t take it personal when you do what you want (as you should).
   Counselors know that what you decide to do is your responsibility, as well as your life!! We don’t take it personal when a client does whatever they want to do with their life, even if the client makes the same mistake they’ve made in their past three relationships and has been working on said issue for past four months. It’s not that we don’t care - we do. We care way too much sometimes. It’s just that we know people are people and each person (read: client) has their life to live. Mistakes are part of that and not personal attacks on us. Friends might not take it the same way.
   

7. You won’t hold back (as much) information from your counselor.
   I don’t know about you, but I’m ridiculously more forthcoming about things with my counselor than I am with my friends. Again, time-limited and intense discussion is expected. That said, I dive right in. That’s not the case with all friendships, but that’s totally expected with a counselor, and that expectation can make a world of difference.
   

8. Your friend thinks they want to know everything, but they probably don’t.
   This sounds weird, but it’s true. Some things, we just don’t want to know about our friends. You might not want to know that Susie is questioning leaving Frank. You might not want to know that Tori is struggling with sexual identity. You might not want to know that Dale was sexually abused as a child. Some information forever changes our perception of a person, and some people feel forever seen in a different light (and hate it). It’s worth noting that as lovely and warm as your friends probably are, not everybody wants to know everything (possibly).
   

That’s all. Phew. Long list with lots of typing. I probably could expand on each of these, but that’s surely enough for now. Questions? Reach out! Want to schedule? Contact us here! 

Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen | Antidotes

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?! 

Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point! 

Four Horsemen Recap

Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).

The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.

You see what I mean?

It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).

SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.

The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!

Show Me The Antidotes!!

Short version is this:

criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs

Super easy, right? #winkyface

Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!

From Criticism to Gentle Startup

With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.

• State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
• Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
• THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”

Taking Responsibility

With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.

It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.

Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall

With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.

Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.

The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.

Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt

Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”

Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.

Contempt - Horsemen 4/4

The Four Horsemen | Contempt

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi). 

Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.

Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.

PHEW. 

Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.

Contempt - What is it?!

In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.

It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.

Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience. 

I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!

Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.

The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.

Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...

Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up. 

It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults. 

Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs. 

Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small. 

There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.

I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens. 

If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members. 

Stonewalling - Horsemen 3/4

The Four Horsemen | Stonewalling

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Alrighty. We've covered criticism and defensiveness. And now it’s on to the next one.

Stonewalling, my friends.

This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.

This is the long and short of what happens.

Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.

The conversation continues and intensifies. Nothing terrible, but definitely intense.

Then, a criticism. And then defensiveness.

Partner A’s heat rate has jumped even more, to about 88 beats per minute. Partner B is just now reaching 78.

At this point, we’d encourage partner A to engage in some self-soothing, in order to bring their heart rate down, but they’re not in therapy and they don’t know about the need for self-soothing. In fact, they don’t even realize they’ve escalated to that point.

The conflict continues and Partner A hits about 95-100 beats per minute. At that point, partner A is done. In essence, their body says to them, “Nope, too much. I’m done, dude. I’m shutting down,” and that’s exactly what happens. Partner A has hit diffuse physiological arousal. In essence, partner A can’t think straight, can’t hear what’s being said, can’t focus, and their face and responses reflect a wall (hence “stonewall”).

Why it’s interesting is that it’s the only horseman to be a direct response to physiological arousal (too much of it and not in the right context - #heyo #sextherapyftw).

What’s even more interesting is that, generally speaking, when partner A shuts down, partner B’s heart rate jumps!!! As in, now they’re feeling a heightened state of arousal much in the same way partner A was initially. And they're a little bit in freak out mode because they want to reconnect with parter A. It's infuriating, but is rife with panic!

It’s all chaos from there. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I mean, it can definitely slide into further chaos, but it can also be addressed accordingly. In saying that, I mean to say that self-soothing is one way of handling stonewalling (and flooding, which can lead to stonewalling).

And also this: just because you may tend to stonewall (or be with a partner that stonewalls) doesn't mean it's "stuck" that way forever. There are very tried and true methods for alleviating the horsemen and the result is a much healthier, happier, and connected relationship. Also, these methods are part of the antidotes to the four horsemen, which are necessary for changing poor communication patterns!

Much like every other post on here, it’s easy (and fascinating) to talk about, but not as easy to overcome. Meaning that it’s simple, but still can be difficult to put into practice. That’s where couples counseling can be helpful (one of many ways it can be helpful).

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4

The Four Horsemen | Defensiveness

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And we're back!

Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling). 

How does defensiveness feel?

Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.

Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?

If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!

You've officially experienced defensiveness.

The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.

How does defensiveness show up?

The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").

Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.

You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!

When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, 101

It’s hard enough to get in the door for couples therapy or marriage counseling. WE GET IT. Not only do we understand on a personal level, as many of our team have done their own counseling work (what good counselor hasn’t?), but we also understand because we hear what clients say. It’s anxiety-provoking coming in and opening up to, in essence, a stranger. Albeit a well-trained and (hopefully) approachable stranger, but still a person who you don’t really know.

This is in large part why we want people to know what they expect when they come into The Counseling Hub for couples therapy or marriage counseling.

Read on, my friend, and find out if you're in the right place.

1. Couples assessment is key.

This is hard to overemphasize. And it probably seem silly, but it’s really important.

Long and short of it is this. The first two sessions are spent on formal (and informal) assessment (this is in line with Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach, which is who/what we love and is super effective). It’s not uncommon for me to hear about people who have had previous couples counseling that included no assessment period and straight to “solutioning” the problem. This is wrong on so many levels and for a variety of reasons. One main reason for this is that we don’t even fully know what the problem is, so how can we expect to jump straight into a solution?

We can’t.

It's crucial that you and your partner have a rich, thorough assessment first. Think about it like this. Would you want to go to a doctor with a hurt arm, have them look at it from the outside (but not really touch it and not take any scans), and then tell you it's sprained?

Probably not.

Would you want to go to a chiropractor and have your back “fixed” without them doing an x-ray or at least feeling around for what the problem is, including asking about symptoms?

Probably not.

So why would you want to go to a couples counselor and jump straight into “fixing” something if your counselor hasn’t taken enough time to actually find out what the issue is?!

You shouldn’t want that.

Ideally, you'd want your counselor to do the right “testing” to make sure of a) the problem(s), and b) how to approach the problem(s) in a way that’s efficient and gets straight to the root(s).

This is why we do that thorough assessment. If we're not doing one, then we end up doing you (and your relationship) a huge disservice, as well as wasting your time, money, and energy.

2. You and your partner are going to talk.

This one is funny because clients are often surprised by it.

After the assessment and feedback period, you and your partner are doing the vast majority of talking... wait for it... TO EACH OTHER!!

Yes, you read me right. The talking that goes on in the sessions is between you and your partner (the vast majority of the time). The counselor role is to help you navigate the conversations in such a way that you each feel understood, validated, and safe. Our role is to help you dive deep wherever you need to (most clients don’t recognize the opportunities, especially

The philosophy behind this is that you and your partner are going to be on your own (i.e. without the counselor) once you leave, so we want you to actually learn how to do this. We don't want you to talk to us about your partner, especially when they're right there - we want you to talk to each other.

I could go one about this for days, but I'll leave it at that. Ask me if you have questions, though. ;)

3. You decide the destination, but we help with the navigating.

You and your partner might have hot button topics in your relationship, you might have recent fights, you might have old fights with wounds that still haven't healed, and you might have a lack of connection between the two of you. And that could just be the start of it.

We, as couples therapists and marriage counselors, don't care what you talk about, as long as it’s emotionally relevant for you.

Basically, we care that you talk about things that need to be talked about, but that doesn't mean we care what those things are. Does that make sense?

For example, if you need to talk about that time your partner didn't like your spaghetti, we're cool with that! So long as it's actually important and/or meaningful for you, or that you’re still angry/upset/hurt by it. You want to talk about the time that you thought about leaving? Perfect, as long as it’s still relevant/emotional/hard/distressing/important.

We don't care what you talk about in that it can be any topic that's important to you (read: the counselor doesn't choose the topic). This sounds easy enough, in theory, but can be tricky to navigate when you’re sitting on the couch. You might think, “What are we going to talk about?”

And, regardless of what the topic is, we'll have a way of helping your process and make sense of it (it = the fight, the disconnection, the lack of seeing eye to eye, etc.).

And that's that.

I've got nothing else to add. We love relationships of any shape and size. While the language we use frequently implies one partner, please note that we work with consensual non-monogamous relationships, as well.

Partner on, my friends!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri, and an almost doctor (finishing up her PhD). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice. 

You Know What To Do, But Do You DO It?

Here's the scenario. I'm in session with a couple and we start an intervention that requires stating things from a personal perspective for one person and listening and summarizing for the other (without giving their interpretation or jumping into why). Easy peasy, right?

WRONG. 

Here's another scenario. I'm doing supervision with students and I say, "Focus more on (counseling microskill) with client x" and students says, "I do that!" So we watch their recorded session and they find out what I've suspected the whole time - there's little evidence that they're doing the thing they thought they were doing (say that five times fast!).

Are you getting my point, yet? 

It's simple, really.

My point is that knowing something is absolutely not the same thing as doing it.

Theory vs. Application

If I were to tell you to go watch a breakdancing video (seriously, they're pretty amazing) and then do what they're doing on the screen, you'd probably give me a look like I'm an idiot. Rightfully so. Most people can't do the things that breakdancers can. 

Or, even better, if I were to say, "Hey, friend, go watch Bobby Fischer play a game of chess and then see if you can beat him!" Again, you'd look at me like I was an idiot. Because, at some level, you know you can't beat him by not practicing the game on your own. Realistically, the majority of the population can't beat him because, I mean, he was one of the greats. 

Why, then, if I say, "Hey, we're going to adopt a new way of communicating with each other," am I frequently met with, "I already know how to do that?" You'd be shocked at how many people think they know how to do it and then, when the time comes to actually do it, have to think really hard about how to say something, about setting aside their own agenda, and about being fully present for what their partner is saying. 

It's not a given skill to have - it's learned and gets better with practice.

I also don't know why people think it's just a natural thing they can do (some can, but most cannot), but my speculation is that it's just 'talking' and 'listening.' Allegedly, those things are 'easy' to do. 

Again, WRONG.

Knowing something is one thing. Actually being able to successfully do it? That's something else entirely.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not removed from this. I mess up all the time, in fact (just ask my husband). I say things wrong, I claim to be listening when I'm not, and I assume that I'm doing the thing I set out to do.

Doing things wrong isn't the issue. The issue is when we do it wrong, but think we're doing it right, and then make it seem like the other person is the one with the problem (because we haven't messed anything up!!). This ties back in with owning your stuff, actually. 

Practice

I'm writing this because I've been thinking about students and clients a lot lately (all the time, really), and I'm coming to find that people (myself included, at times) often think they're done when, in fact, they've just started. 

Long story short is this. 

We get better at things that a) we practice, and b) we get feedback on. The feedback piece is to actually make sure we're doing the thing we set out to do. We can't know how we're coming across unless we're recording ourselves or unless we have an outside perspective (*coughcough:: therapist::coughcough*) who's relaying back to us how we're coming across. OR giving us language that we don't have the experience to use. 

So, my point with this? You might think you're done, or that you've arrived, or that you're stellar at the thing you don't frequently practice but know all about, but you're probably not. Be open to that and embrace learning skills in a new way and with feedback (from a loving or supportive source). 

And I'm out.

Be well, my friends!