Strengthening Your Relationship: The Benefits of Marriage Counseling with The Counseling Hub in Jefferson City, Missouri
One of the primary benefits of marriage counseling is improved communication. Many couples struggle with expressing their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. Worse than that, these hurts can build up over time and, if left unaddressed, wreak havoc on the satisfaction and health of the people within the relationship.
Photo by Hannah Stevens: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-blue-kissing-woman-on-forehead-3724031/
What is Marriage Counseling and Why is it Important?
Marriage counseling, also known as couples therapy, is a form of therapy that focuses on improving communication and resolving conflicts between partners in a committed relationship. It can be an effective way to strengthen a relationship, overcome challenged (like unhealthy conflict), and prevent divorce.
In fact, studies have shown that couples who attend marriage counseling are more likely to stay together and have a happier, healthier relationship. #HoorayyyyResearch!!
Benefits of Marriage Counseling: Improved Communication, Conflict Resolution, and More
One of the primary benefits of marriage counseling is improved communication. Many couples struggle with expressing their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. Worse than that, these hurts can build up over time and, if left unaddressed, wreak havoc on the satisfaction and health of the people within the relationship.
Marriage counseling can help couples learn how to communicate effectively, listen actively, and understand each other's perspectives. This can (and often does) lead to a deeper connection and a stronger bond between partners, as well as enhanced understanding, intimacy, and, most importantly, more happiness and satisfaction with the relationship.
Another benefit of marriage counseling is conflict resolution.
Every relationship has its share of disagreements and conflicts, but it's how those conflicts are handled that can make or break the relationship.
Marriage counseling can help couples learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy and productive way, without resorting to name-calling, blaming, or other destructive behaviors (four horsemen, we’re looking at you). This can lead to a more peaceful and harmonious relationship.
Addressing Underlying Issues: How Marriage Counseling Can Help with Mental Health Challenges
Marriage counseling can also help couples identify and address underlying issues that may be affecting their relationship. For example, if one partner is struggling with anxiety or depression, it can impact the relationship in a negative way. Marriage counseling can help identify these issues and provide strategies for coping and managing them in a way that is supportive of the relationship.
The Counseling Hub: A Trusted Resource for Couples in Jefferson City, Missouri
If you're looking for a marriage counselor in Jefferson City, Missouri, The Counseling Hub is an excellent resource. The Counseling Hub is a team of licensed therapists who specialize in working with couples and families. They offer a variety of services, including individual counseling, couples counseling, and group therapy.
You might still be wondering, “will counseling work for me?” It’s cool if you are - we’re no stranger to doubt and understand that trusting this process (and finding a clinician) are radical acts of vulnerability.
Evidence-Based Therapies: How The Counseling Hub Uses Research-Backed Techniques to Help Couples
One of the benefits of working with us is our focus on evidence-based therapies. We use research-backed techniques and interventions to help couples achieve their goals and improve their relationship. This includes techniques such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy, which has been shown to be highly effective in improving communication and resolving conflicts in couples.
A Safe and Supportive Environment: Why The Counseling Hub is a Great Choice for Couples Seeking Counseling
Photo by Marcelo Chagas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-men-holding-hands-1784281/
In addition to our specialization and expertise in couples therapy, we also offers a supportive and non-judgmental environment (this is a must). Our therapists understand that seeking counseling can be a difficult and vulnerable experience, and we strive to create a safe space for their clients to explore feelings, increase vulnerability, and work through challenges.
Strengthening Your Relationship with Marriage Counseling from The Counseling Hub.
Overall, marriage counseling can be a valuable tool for couples who are struggling with communication, conflict resolution, or other issues in their relationship. By working with a licensed therapist, couples can learn new skills, gain new perspectives, and strengthen their bond.
If you're in Jefferson City, Missouri, consider reaching out to The Counseling Hub for support and guidance on your journey towards a happier, healthier relationship.
Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
The Four Horsemen | Antidotes
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?!
Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point!
Four Horsemen Recap
Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).
The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.
You see what I mean?
It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).
SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.
The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!
Show Me The Antidotes!!
Short version is this:
criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs
Super easy, right? #winkyface
Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!
From Criticism to Gentle Startup
With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.
- State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
- Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
- THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”
Taking Responsibility
With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.
It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.
Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall
With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.
Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.
The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.
Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt
Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”
Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.
Contempt - Horsemen 4/4
In marriage therapy terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground…
The Four Horsemen | Contempt
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi).
Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.
Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.
PHEW.
Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.
Contempt - What is it?!
In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.
It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.
Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience.
I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!
Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.
The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.
Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...
Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up.
It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults.
Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs.
Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small.
There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.
I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens.
If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members.
Stonewalling - Horsemen 3/4
And it’s on to the next one. Stonewalling, my friends. This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.
This is the long and short of what happens.
Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.
The Four Horsemen | Stonewalling
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
Alrighty. We've covered criticism and defensiveness. And now it’s on to the next one.
Stonewalling, my friends.
This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.
This is the long and short of what happens.
Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.
The conversation continues and intensifies. Nothing terrible, but definitely intense.
Then, a criticism. And then defensiveness.
Partner A’s heat rate has jumped even more, to about 88 beats per minute. Partner B is just now reaching 78.
At this point, we’d encourage partner A to engage in some self-soothing, in order to bring their heart rate down, but they’re not in therapy and they don’t know about the need for self-soothing. In fact, they don’t even realize they’ve escalated to that point.
The conflict continues and Partner A hits about 95-100 beats per minute. At that point, partner A is done. In essence, their body says to them, “Nope, too much. I’m done, dude. I’m shutting down,” and that’s exactly what happens. Partner A has hit diffuse physiological arousal. In essence, partner A can’t think straight, can’t hear what’s being said, can’t focus, and their face and responses reflect a wall (hence “stonewall”).
Why it’s interesting is that it’s the only horseman to be a direct response to physiological arousal (too much of it and not in the right context - #heyo #sextherapyftw).
What’s even more interesting is that, generally speaking, when partner A shuts down, partner B’s heart rate jumps!!! As in, now they’re feeling a heightened state of arousal much in the same way partner A was initially. And they're a little bit in freak out mode because they want to reconnect with parter A. It's infuriating, but is rife with panic!
It’s all chaos from there. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I mean, it can definitely slide into further chaos, but it can also be addressed accordingly. In saying that, I mean to say that self-soothing is one way of handling stonewalling (and flooding, which can lead to stonewalling).
And also this: just because you may tend to stonewall (or be with a partner that stonewalls) doesn't mean it's "stuck" that way forever. There are very tried and true methods for alleviating the horsemen and the result is a much healthier, happier, and connected relationship. Also, these methods are part of the antidotes to the four horsemen, which are necessary for changing poor communication patterns!
Much like every other post on here, it’s easy (and fascinating) to talk about, but not as easy to overcome. Meaning that it’s simple, but still can be difficult to put into practice. That’s where couples counseling can be helpful (one of many ways it can be helpful).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4
Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.
The Four Horsemen | Defensiveness
Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo
And we're back!
Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling).
How does defensiveness feel?
Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.
Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?
If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!
You've officially experienced defensiveness.
The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.
How does defensiveness show up?
The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").
Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.
You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!
When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor
Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.
The Four Horsemen (of Relationships)
When we talk about the four horsemen, we're not talking about the apocalypse. We're talking about four styles of communication that, when present within relationships, predict the eventual dissolution of that relationship.
The Four Horsemen | An Overview
Couples Therapy & Counseling, Marriage Counseling
Columbia, Mo and Jefferson City, Mo
When we talk about the four horsemen during couples counseling, we're not talking about the apocalypse. We're talking about four styles of communication that, when present within relationships (and especially conflict) at a certain ratio, predict the eventual dissolution of that relationship.
Basically, when conversations start with the four horsemen (or harsh startup, which is something different yet related), there’s a higher chance that couples will negatively react. In research-y language, we call it negative affect reciprocity. In laypeople language, we call it negatively reacting to your partner. Once it starts, we expect that the immediate response (from one’s partner) will include one or more or the four horsemen and that if left unchecked, it’ll snowball, keep snowballing, and then lead to a higher likelihood of unhappiness, dissolution, separation, or divorce. Because that’s ultimately what the horsemen are about - predicting relationship dissolution.
*I’d also be remiss if I didn’t give full credit where credit is due. In no way, shape, or form, did I think of or come up with the four horsemen on my own. You can thank John and Julie Gottman for that, two gurus in the couples thearpy world. Yours truly utilizes the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach with couples counseling (because it’s the best there is).
What are the four horsemen, exactly? Also, why should I care?
Well, I’m happy you’ve asked!
The four horsemen are criticism (i.e. you’re selfish, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate), defensiveness (i.e. “YOU didn’t do the dishes, either!!”), stonewalling (i.e. body shut down, mostly perpetrated by men although females do the same thing), and contempt (i.e. scorn, dismissive, eye rolling). Contempt is the most corrosive and toxic (especially when it’s from males to females <-specific to heterosexual relationships, but it’s toxic in all relationships).
*Those super brief parenthetical descriptions are hardly even considered a tip of the iceberg for describing the horsemen, so please click on each one to read more.
One of our favorite things about marriage counseling and couples therapy is that for every 'problem,' there's a 'solution.' With that said, it's not up to the counselor to 'fix' the relationship. I would go so far as to say that it has little, if anything, to do with the counselor. Yes, obviously, the counselor is there to help you and your partner learn how to really connect, fight, and feel understood, but counselors can’t force anybody to actually do the work. That’s what I’m trying to get at by saying it’s not up to the counselor to ‘fix’ the relationship. Ultimately, each party in the relationship has a high level of responsibility for engaging in the process and for maintaining the changes made.
Why do I need couples counseling for this?
Changes don't happen overnight. Well, technically, they can, but consistency with the new ways of being in your relationship takes time (and practice). And there's a huge (HHUUGGEEE) difference between knowing something/reading something/learning something and actually implementing it (read: you might know what to do, but do you do it?).
We can't even tell you how many times we've heard some variation of, "This is so hard!" once a person starts to engage in new types of dialogue. It's simple, but it's definitely easy to do. Especially if it's a hot button issue or topic.
This is why relationship counseling is important. Not only can your counselor help you identify your horsemen, but can also help you find new (and non-horseman-y) ways of saying what you need and want to say, and we'll be sure to introduce you to the antidotes to the horsemen, which are critical to relationship success!
About the Author
Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling | Columbia, Mo
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, a practicing counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri, and a supervisor for provisionally licensed professionals in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Tara earned her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, relationships, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyles and mental health, and building a private practice (solo and group).
Conflict Avoidance by Listening (Easy as Pie)
You know the song and dance...
Partner one says, "I'm upset about this thing that happened." Partner two says, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Partner one says, "You did xyz!" Partner two says, "That's only because you did abc!" And then the two careen into a fight that has no real beginning and no real end.
Both partners feel justified. Both partners feel vilified. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated.
IT SUCKS.
Typical Fighting... Wanh Waaaaaanh
You know the song and dance...
Partner one says, "I'm upset about this thing that happened." Partner two says, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Partner one says, "You did xyz!" Partner two says, "That's only because you did abc!" And then the two careen into a fight that has no real beginning and no real end.
Both partners feel justified. Both partners feel vilified. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated.
IT SUCKS.
And while your fight may not look exactly like that, my guess is that it has its own path to destruction (e.g. somebody raises their voice, somebody shuts down, somebody name calls, somebody threatens divorce).
Here's the question I have for you, then.
If you could significantly cut down on any and all of the above by doing one simple thing, would you do it?
This thing isn't easy, necessarily, but it's pretty damn effective at avoiding the car crash of an argument that's waiting to happen between my partners one and two (see above).
Listening vs. Feeling Heard
Here's the long and short of it.
Listen to your partner until they feel heard (and before you say what you think).
I know, I know. "But I do listen to my partner!" Meh. Maybe? But, really, my guess is that you think you listen, but that doesn't mean your partner feels heard. This is a key distinction. Listening and feeling heard are not the same thing.
If you want to be heard in a conversation, you must (I repeat, must) listen first; listen until your partner feels understood and heard. You can check whether they feel heard by doing two simple things:
- Summarizing what you hear them saying. Literally, paraphrase what they've shared and say it back to them.
- Ask, "Am I understanding you correctly?" And, "Is there anything else?"
Once your partner, "Yes, that's it," then you say, "Great. I'm glad you feel understood. I'd like to share my thoughts and/or feelings and/or experience." And hopefully your partner feels comforted in being heard and then makes the space for you to share.
Boom. Recipe for a love connection.
That's just a joke, but seriously, this will help to ensure that both of you get a chance to share and be heard. And, again, this is simple, but I promise you it's not necessarily easy. Take some time to practice and make sure you share this with your partner so that they know what's going on!
Rock on, Wayne. Rock on, Garth.
Be well and good luck!
Engaging Emotionally with Your Partner
One of the most common themes I see between hetero couples (some same-gender couples, but lots of hetero) is that they are speaking two different languages.
Not literally, obviously, but they may as well be. Couples will come into session, feeling infuriated, misunderstood, and irritated with the other. She's upset because he's not listening. He's upset because she doesn't make any sense. They both are trying to say their piece, but aren't getting through to one another.
“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
One of the most common themes I see between hetero couples (some same-gender couples, but lots of hetero) is that they are speaking two different languages.
Not literally, obviously, but they may as well be. Couples will come into session, feeling infuriated, misunderstood, and irritated with the other. She's upset because he's not listening. He's upset because she doesn't make any sense. They both are trying to say their piece, but aren't getting through to one another.
My couple sessions, especially, are Gottman style (to the extent possible - I'm not fully certified at this point, but I've done the Level 1 training and will be continuing with the other trainings to get fully certified). This means that one piece of the first session is to have couples engage in a 'conflict discussion.' I tell them that they're open to talk about any conflict in their life - they can get mad, they can stay calm, or they can sit and stare daggers at each other. I just want them to talk about something they disagree on so that I can assess the four horsemen and conflict style. Both of which are important (surprisingly, the content of an argument isn't important - it's the style and presence of the horsemen that are telling). SO - I have couples engage in conflict discussion and then, more often than not, I notice one thing. I mean, there's lots of things to notice, but this piece is usually one of the first to show up. It's when couples are firing right past each other without realizing what the other is trying to say.
For instance, she says that she doesn't like when he goes out with his family because his brother is a bad influence. She doesn't trust his brother. He responds by saying that he hasn't done anything stupid with his brother in five years and that she's living in the past. She says she knows he's right, but that she doesn't like it. He asks for an example regarding why she doesn't like it. And so on and so forth. No resolution. In this case, no hatred or vile anger - just not being on the same page.
Here's the common theme - it's emotion-focused coping versus solution-focused coping.
Emotion-Focused
This is about the feelings and thoughts behind an issue. It's the experience of the issue and there's no need to come to a solution. The solution is in the process, meaning that in talking about it, people feel better. This is what lots of women bring into the session (DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL WOMEN FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY - THIS IS A BROAD BRUSH STROKE). You can see this in the example above. She's trying to tell him that she's feeling nervous and uncomfortable about him going. She's heard his stories and doesn't like to think of him cavorting around as a single male. She's nervous.
Solution-Focused
If you couldn't already tell at this point, with hetero couples, this is where the men generally (not all the time) fall. And you can see it in the example above. He, on the other hand, doesn't understand why she doesn't trust his brother, why she's even talking about this, and why she won't hear him when he explains that she's mistaken. He's trying to solve each problem that she brings up by giving her responses to the content of what she's saying.
Both parties are missing each other.
The good news? This isn't really that big of a fix. I mean, it's habitual (probably partly genetic/biological and partly social), but it's not impossible, by any means, to change some things up and help both parties be heard even better.
Two quick things that can be done?
- Emotion-focused coper can learn to clearly articulate the feeling of what they're going through, as well as clearly state that they don't need an answer or solution right away, they just want to talk about their feelings.
- Solution-focused coper can learn to refrain from offering solutions right away and, instead, allow for partner to share feelings. A step further might even be attuning to those feelings by saying things like, "Sounds like you're anxious. Tell me about it." Or, "I'm sorry you're nervous about this. I wish I knew how to help you."
Also important - after an emotion-focused coper feels heard, the cherry on the sundae is that the solution-focused coper can then share their solution! Yippee!! This can come in one of two ways - the emotion-focused coper can state or ask for a solution to their problem, or the solution-focused coper can ask, "Would you be open to a suggestion of mine? I'd love to help you out with this, but I want to make sure you're in a place you can hear it."
Both parties will be happier, feel more heard, and feel more engaged with each other, rather than feeling confused, mistreated, and upset.