Ohhh, the holidays. Good food, everything feels merry and bright–almost down right magical at times, traditions abound, and spending time with family. Oh, family. One video I think of a lot around this time of year is a Saturday Night Live sketch from about eight years ago. It’s titled A Thanksgiving Miracle and shows the cast around the dining table during Thanksgiving. Their conversation revolves around seemingly everyday matters before they start talking about more political topics and the conversations becomes increasingly confrontational. At that point, the little girl in the family walks over to the stereo, hits play, and the first notes of Hello by Adele sing out. This stops the arguing which turns into an acting out of the song’s music video. Every time the family starts to argue, the little girl hits play, and the arguing stops. Now, as much as I love Adele, I do realize she may not be the fixer of all holiday woes. So, let’s discuss some ways that can be helpful when dealing with family this holiday season.
Know your limits
If no one has told you this, let me be the first to tell you. Even with family, you are allowed to have boundaries. If you know that talking about politics just leaves you upset, you’re allowed to not participate in the conversation. That may look like redirecting to a different topic or removing yourself from the conversation altogether. Maybe you know that after an hour or two, time with family becomes too much. That’s okay. You can leave. Understanding your limits and boundaries is the first step.
Make a plan
Once you know what your triggers and boundaries are, create a strategy to either avoid the trigger or to manage it when you are in the thick of it. If you know that after dinner and drinks are flowing things can get overwhelming, plan to leave before that happens. As mentioned before, if the conversation delves into topics you don’t want to talk about, make a plan to get up and go to the bathroom, offer to wash dishes, or subtly redirect to a different topic. If none of these options seem viable, learn a few conflict resolution skills that can help you navigate those trick convos.
Have some conflict resolution techniques in your pocket
The turkey has been carved, you just loaded up your plate, and Uncle Joe has just spouted off some of the most insane stuff you have heard. You can’t leave at this point, so now you have to rely on some communication skills. First, figure out if you have to actively participate in the conversation. While it may be a no no to constantly avoid conflict in your everyday relationships, you may want to do this with your Uncle Joe whom you only see a few times per year. Realistically thinking, do you think that you are you going to change his opinion with what you have to offer to the conversation? However, if you are going to engage, keep these things in mind:
Focus on the issue, not the person–tone can make a difference try to stay calm if you can.
Listen to understand not just respond.
Use I-statements so it doesn’t sound like you are blaming especially if the information you are sharing is an opinion.
Know when to walk away. Drop the conversation if you or your counterpart is only getting mad.
Have a support person
Bring a person with you to the gathering. This can be another family member that you feel comfortable with. Share your plan with them and ask that they support you in sticking to it. If you choose someone who can’t be at the gathering with you, make an emergency exit plan with them, such as texting “SOS” so they can call you when you need to decompress and have their support to help you get through the event.
Ultimately your time is yours. Find joy and protect your peace.
Written by Clinical Therapist Alexa Robinson