How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship?
Arguments or conflicts are often seen as signs that a relationship isn’t doing too well. But all couples argue from time to time, even couples who are in the healthiest of relationships.
It’s completely natural for two unique people who have come together in a relationship to run into differences and challenges that they need to work through. How partners deal with conflict is what makes the difference between a relationship that is healthy and one that’s not. Let’s learn more about how often couples fight in a healthy relationship.
The Truth About Arguments in Healthy Relationships
Many people were raised on fairy tales and happily ever afters: love at first sight, the prince saving the princess, and true loves ending up together. But the truth is that these examples of “perfect” love aren’t good models for the real world. Even the healthiest and most stable relationships involve conflict. In fact, these disagreements can actually be part of what makes a relationship strong.
Conflict offers an opportunity for each partner to reflect, noticing different perspectives and growing both individually and together. In a healthy relationship, couples can use disagreements as a way to improve communication, set and enforce boundaries, and understand each other on a deeper level.
What Healthy Couples Fight About
Even in healthy relationships, conflicts happen. These are some of the most common topics that even healthy couples sometimes disagree on:
Communication styles
Family dynamics
Finances
Household chores and responsibilities
Intimacy and sex
Spending habits
Time spent together or apart
The “Normal” Amount of Fighting
Unfortunately, there is no normal amount of fighting we can use as a guide. How much couples fight in a relationship depends on many factors, such as the stage of the relationship, personality types, and stress levels.
Some couples may experience more fighting in the early stages of a relationship as they're getting to know one another and adjusting. Others will notice an increase in disagreements as the relationship progresses.
Life stressors, such as those involving family, work, or finances, can also creep into a relationship and cause issues. Research has shown that occasional disagreements, or disagreements that occur once a week or once a month, can be considered normal in long-term relationships.
What Healthy Conflict Looks Like
Not every argument is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Healthy conflict sometimes doesn’t look like fighting at all—it’s more of a conversation. These are some of the signs of healthy conflict:
A difference in opinion doesn’t lead to feeling hurt.
Arguments are about the problem instead of personal attacks on a partner.
Both people feel comfortable and safe expressing themselves.
Disagreements end with understanding and resolution.
Partners are actively listening, not just waiting for the other person to finish talking.
There is accountability, apologies, and forgiveness.
How to Engage In Healthy Conflict
Healthy conflict is something that must be constantly practiced. One of the best ways to learn is by attending couples therapy and getting professional guidance, but there are also steps you can take right away. Here are a few great ways to keep your disagreements productive and respectful:
Focus on the issue
Listen to understand
Remain calm
Seek compromise
Take breaks if needed
Use “I” statements
Get the Support You Need
Even couples in healthy relationships fight from time to time. What’s important is that they can engage in disagreements with care, respect, and understanding. Occasional arguments or disagreements are a normal part of growing together. The thing that matters most is how you and your partner communicate.
If you’re continuing to have problems, it’s not a sign your relationship is over; you just might need some extra help. Someone from outside your relationship can help provide a fresh perspective on what you’re going through. Reach out today to learn more about how couples therapy can help.
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