Stuck At Home & Stuck In Conflict

            What a convenient time to learn how to fight with your partner while we are stuck together due to COVID-19?! Seriously though, we are stuck together with the people in our homes and this creates many, many opportunities to learn (or put into practice) skills to have healthy conflict. I will be the first to admit, we all need the practice. Even if we weren’t legally ordered to stay at home with our families, it’s probable that you’re going to have disagreements on how to navigate through this time. Do we order drive-thru? No way! Yes way! I’m tired of cooking, give me a break. We need to stay away!

Now, fighting isn’t inherently bad. In other words: fighting isn’t bad in and of itself. Disagreements and fights can lead to several good and healthy outcomes in a relationship; understanding of another’s perspective, passionate make ups, being able to air differences, and so on. It’s not realistic to not fight- or at least disagree on things. What makes fighting not so productive is when it has certain markers that are known to be unhealthy and even corrosive to relationships (think horsemen, rejecting influence, no compromise, seeking validation outside the relationship). I am going to give you a little information about couples counseling regarding conflict, mainly from the Gottman approach. Then, I am going to tell you how this might look via telehealth.

Hold Up. What’s Really Happening?

Before you begin therapy it would be helpful to figure out what changes you would like to see. The response I hear often is “I just want to stop fighting” or “We don’t know how to have conflict.” The issue is that the term “conflict” can cover an assortment of things.

Maybe it has to do with the amount of arguing (we can’t talk about anything without getting into a fight!).

Maybe you have certain topics that are issues (we really cannot talk about how we parent, it will not go well!).

Maybe you can’t get your partner to engage in a discussion (they always walk away as soon as I start to talk!)

Maybe you feel disrespected and add heat the fire (well if he’s gonna walk off, I am gonna follow him in there and really tell him off!)

Maybe it’s that you don’t feel heard and you keep saying the same things over and over (why don’t they listen to me?!)

Or maybe you want it to just be resolved (I just want us to solve it!)

Whatever it may be, it would be helpful to reflect ahead of time what’s not working so that you can communicate that with your therapist. One common concern is that people want to stop having conflict about one particular topic; they want resolution with it.  

Conflict Resolution

The Gottmans found that 69% of conflict couples have are perpetual conflict. This means that 69% of the things that you and your partner argue over will likely be things that you argue over throughout the duration of your relationship. Say what??? It never fails that when I give this statistic people are astonished.

An example of a perpetual issue might be that one partner, John, is more organized than the other, Mary. It might ebb and flow that Mary is more organized, or John is more accepting of her messiness. Orderliness and organization can be perpetual issue due to differences in personalities. It may feel hopeless and terrifying to never “resolve” the issue(s) that keep coming up which often leads people to seek therapy. So, if resolving in the way that the problem is gone completely isn’t an option, then what can people expect? Compromise, validation, understanding, empathy, perspective, repair, and more.

The Many Pieces of Conflict

There are a whole host of things that can lead to successfully conflicting, or having crap hit-the-fan. I couldn’t possibly list all of them with their explanations- whole books have been written on them! So some of the markers can include compromise (give a little to get a little), repair (slowing it down or fixing it after), horsemen (four markers related to relationship dissolution), perspective (thinking negatively or positively about your partner), and communicating empathy and understanding. That is definitely not all of them- but you get the idea. If conflict is an area of pain or tension in your relationship these concepts will be explored with your therapist when you come in. Your therapist will give you information on them, highlight them when they show up, and help you navigate to healthier outlooks.

Got it! Now what about telehealth for this?

Okay, so now you’ve got a small idea about what to expect from working on conflict during therapy. Here is the thing: you’ve gottta do it via telehealth. Telehealth is the process of engaging in therapy via phone or virtually on some platform like Facetime or Skype- only on a HIPAA compliant platform. Our advanced world has given mental health professionals the opportunity to provide services to those even when we cannot meet face-to-face. What an amazing thing for us and for you! Not much is different working on conflict via telehealth. It has been proven that telehealth is just as effective as in person therapy. It can definitely be scary to choose to have a conflict with your partner when your therapist is literally miles away and you are stuck at the house with your partner after the session ends. Here’s the thing: conflict is going to happen. I like to use the analogy of teaching a child how to tie their shoes. It’s a pain in the you-know-what when you’re in the middle of teaching them, you’ve got to stop and walk them through it each time they take them on and off. Once they learn, you don’t have to do that anymore. Once a skill is down, you can reap the benefits of it. It’s often uncomfortable (and frustrating) to learn new skills, especially when it’s conflict with our partners but the benefits can only improve the quality of your relationship.  

A few tips for your telehealth sessions:

1.     Bring a note pad and pen.

Taking notes is an important part of listening and reflecting back what you hear.

2.     Be sure your internet is good to go for seamless sessions.

Interruption stinks. Sometimes there’s no getting around it, yet we all try our best!

3.     Print off the feeling wheel (or have one ready).

Every person that comes to my office knows how I love my feeling wheel!

4.     Prepare for session.

This means that you should spend time reflecting on what you want to talk about, the same way you might as you are heading to the office for a session. It’s also important to get in a mindset that is open for communication and feedback.

5.     Plan for afterwards.

Some people love being around each other after a good fight, while others need time away to decompress. Prepare by thinking about what you and your partner might need or want.

That’s it!

This might not have covered all your concerns, so feel free to contact us so we can answer any questions you might have! No questions? Let’s get started!

Conflict isn’t fun (usually), but it’s necessary. Healthy conflict skills can be effectively learned and implemented via telehealth to help improve your relationship now. There is no need to wait until we aren’t in a pandemic— your relationship deserves all the care and attention you have so that you and your partner feel happy, loved, and cared for.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | Counselor
Individual Counseling, Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Molly earned her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a PLPC counselor at The Counseling Hub. She has been an intern at Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she assessed and provided mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.