Give Your Brain a Break
Think about the very first thing you do in the morning. If you're like the vast majority of people (let's stick with in the United States), then you probably reach to your nightstand and check your phone. I'm assuming you check for social media updates, personal and work email, and maybe the news. Am I guessing right?
Think about the very first thing you do in the morning. If you're like the vast majority of people (let's stick with in the United States), then you probably reach to your nightstand and check your phone. I'm assuming you check for social media updates, personal and work email, and maybe the news. Am I guessing right?
This isn't a post to criticize technology use.
This is really a post to question your awareness of technology use.
How quickly do you turn to your phone when you have nothing to do? How quickly do you pull it out if you feel uncomfortable or awkward in any given situation? And how quickly do you turned your phone when you "should" be doing something else?
Again, not criticizing technology.
My point in even questioning this is to wonder about the result of turning to our phones when we feel bored, uncomfortable, or even right when we wake up. L I can't help but think that it all results in constant stimulation and us being inundated with information. And I'm not sure what good that does for us.
When we are constantly stimulated, we leave no room for empty mental space, which is where creativity thrives, and which gives are brain a break.
And when we constantly turn to our phones, especially when we first wake up, we're not even giving our brain a chance to exist without incoming information. Between thinking constantly (which most people do) and constantly taking in information, what is that doing for us?
My guess is not much.
The Brain Challenge
So, my challenge for you is to set your phone aside for the first 10 minutes after you wake up for two full weeks.
If you use your phone as an alarm clock, then right when you wake up from your alarm, shut it off and step away from the phone. For 10 minutes. Maybe just sit and look outside at nature, or have a cup of coffee or tea, or journal, or do squats, push-ups, and crunches, or do anything that makes you feel calm and good. This isn't a directive to start doing any one of those particular things – the challenge is to set your phone aside for the first 10 minutes of your day.
Good luck to you and keep me posted on how you do!
Dealing with Difficult People
We've all been there. There's that one person who just gets under our skin, who we can't understand, and who operates in a way that makes little to no sense to us.
Let's get clear on a few things before I start getting into this. First of all, when I say difficult people, I don't mean 'people who are intentionally difficult.' I simply mean people who we experience as difficult. That's key here. Secondly, difficult people can include those people who we just don't click with.
We've all been there. There's that one person who just gets under our skin, who we can't understand, and who operates in a way that makes little to no sense to us.
Let's get clear on a few things before I start getting into this. First of all, when I say difficult people, I don't mean 'people who are intentionally difficult.' I simply mean people who we experience as difficult. That's key here. Secondly, difficult people can include those people who we just don't click with. Regardless of what we've been taught from young ages ("everybody can get along"), the truth is that there are people who we simply don't jive with and operate much differently than. This, in and of itself, is a nonissue. However, when it comes to interacting with that person (through work, family, or friend groups), that's when problems can arise.
Now, let's pause.
Think of that person in your life. Hopefully, it's hard for you to think of somebody. Realistically, one person immediately popped into your head. No shame in that.
Now, here are three things you can do to hopefully slow down your agitation train and chillax on the relaxation yacht. (Don't judge my language, just go with it).
- Remember that it's not personal.
Yes, I understand. This is so much easier said than done. With that said, it's still effective. If we can take into consideration that this person isn't acting maliciously or intentionally trying to sabotage us (and our sanity), then we can have a little more leniency with them. Most people aren't doing things intentionally, they're doing things as a result of their own temperament, personality, and lived experiences.
- Assume similarity.
This one is funny. As frustrated as you are with this person? It's highly likely that they're equally as frustrated with you. It's not as though you're alone in your experience of frustration. And what we know about assuming similarity is that it can create some space for empathy (for the other person). Don't think about empathy as making excuses for the person - think about it as being able to see something from their point of view. That's all it is. Taking on the stance of the other person.
- Self-reflect on your role.
This ties in with the whole "assume similarity" piece, but the point here is that you actively self-reflect on your own role in the interaction. For example, are your expectations unrealistic for the other person, but you're also unwilling to change them? Or are you assuming they know how you think or feel without actually sharing it with them? Are you guessing at what they're thinking or feeling without asking them? I could go on and on, but I'll stop. I think you get the point. And, an important note, taking responsibility for your own role is not the same as taking responsibility for the whole interaction. That's not what I mean, nor is that useful. However, focus on yourself in the interaction - what do you do and what can you change?
That's about all from me, folks! It sucks being in this place, where we feel stuck and frustrated about having a difficult person (or difficult people, plural) in our lives. With that said, try to adopt the three suggestions above and see what difference it makes, if any. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences, also, so make sure to share below!
Your Life is Now, Not in Five Years
I'm sure I've read something similar to this somewhere - most things I reflect on come from things I read or hear (probably not alone in that). SO, it was this notion that the best predictors for where you're going to be tomorrow and then the next day and then the next week and so on is not where you are today, but what you're doing.
Basically, the best predictor of future actions are current actions. I'm not going to go so far as to say that nobody can 'move' in their life. I don't think that's true. What I do think is true, however, is that people only move when they put in the effort, intention, and focus on moving. And I think that getting to the point where you're putting all that time and energy into something you don't see results for right away is, well, pretty disheartening. So then we say "eff it" and go back to what we were doing right before.
I'm sure I've read something similar to this somewhere - most things I reflect on come from things I read or hear (probably not alone in that). SO, it was this notion that the best predictors for where you're going to be tomorrow and then the next day and then the next week and so on is not where you are today, but what you're doing.
Basically, the best predictor of future actions are current actions. I'm not going to go so far as to say that nobody can 'move' in their life. I don't think that's true. What I do think is true, however, is that people only move when they put in the effort, intention, and focus on moving. And I think that getting to the point where you're putting all that time and energy into something you don't see results for right away is, well, pretty disheartening. So then we say "eff it" and go back to what we were doing right before.
What we don't think about, however, is what that means for us long term. If we just decide to be done with something that doesn't bring his immediate results, then how can we expect to make changes in our lives that stay in place (rhetorical - I'm emphasizing a point).
I remember a year or so ago, I read something about habit formation and felt shocked. I had been under the impression that a habit takes 30 days to form, which is a long time, but seems doable. What I read, however, said that research says habits take more than 60 days to stick. 60 DAYS!!! We're going from one month to two, and while that may not seem like a huge deal - it's TWICE as long as what the most people typically think it takes. Quite a bit longer, if we put it that way.
So, I want us to play a small game. Nothing major, now - just a quick game. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be super honest with yourself and, more importantly, note the first response that comes to your mind. The 'game' is that you don't filter your response, rather that you respond as quickly (i.e. no cognitive filter in play) as possible. You don't have to share it with anybody (it's not even really that serious), but it's important that you know for yourself.
Ready?
The question: Given your life right now, if you were to fast-forward one year where your daily habits hadn't changed, would you be satisfied and happy with the way you were living your life?
Be honest.
And one more question: Give your life right now, if you were to fast-forward five years where you daily habits (from today) hadn't changed, would you be satisfied and happy with the way you were living your life?
You did it! That's all - that's the game.
Here's why we're even playing this game. It's not to highlight that you're disappointing yourself or something ill-intended (and if you happy with your response, then good for you!). It's really to highlight a sense of awareness regarding your daily habits and activities, and to help you project yourself into the future to see if you'd be happy with what you're doing currently. I hope that all makes sense. It's mostly about self-awareness, to make it simple.
Here's your homework, then. Think about one thing that you want to be doing in one or five years. You can even keep it small. For example, maybe you want to stop biting your nails (I want to have long, strong nails in a year and in five years). Perfect. Focus on doing this one day at a time (so cliche, I know), but set yourself a longer-term goal, such as, "I'll go three days without biting my nails and see how I feel." And then maybe, "Okay, I'll go two weeks without biting my nails," and so on and so forth. Just keep lengthening the time you're engaging in your new habit, and, ultimately, you'll get to two months. By that time, ideally, it'll stick (with some maintenance).
Good luck on your habit change! Also remember, this isn't just about right now, it's also about your in the future. If the best predictor of your future habits and self is your current habits and self, then what sort of future do you want and person do you want to be?
If you're somebody who knows you need support around changing a seemingly overwhelming habit, just reach out for a free, initial phone consult, and to see if counseling around this topic could be helpful for you.