Your Life is Now, Not in Five Years

I'm sure I've read something similar to this somewhere - most things I reflect on come from things I read or hear (probably not alone in that). SO, it was this notion that the best predictors for where you're going to be tomorrow and then the next day and then the next week and so on is not where you are today, but what you're doing.

Basically, the best predictor of future actions are current actions. I'm not going to go so far as to say that nobody can 'move' in their life. I don't think that's true. What I do think is true, however, is that people only move when they put in the effort, intention, and focus on moving. And I think that getting to the point where you're putting all that time and energy into something you don't see results for right away is, well, pretty disheartening. So then we say "eff it" and go back to what we were doing right before. 

What we don't think about, however, is what that means for us long term. If we just decide to be done with something that doesn't bring his immediate results, then how can we expect to make changes in our lives that stay in place (rhetorical - I'm emphasizing a point).

I remember a year or so ago, I read something about habit formation and felt shocked. I had been under the impression that a habit takes 30 days to form, which is a long time, but seems doable. What I read, however, said that research says habits take more than 60 days to stick. 60 DAYS!!! We're going from one month to two, and while that may not seem like a huge deal - it's TWICE as long as what the most people typically think it takes. Quite a bit longer, if we put it that way.

So, I want us to play a small game. Nothing major, now - just a quick game. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be super honest with yourself and, more importantly, note the first response that comes to your mind. The 'game' is that you don't filter your response, rather that you respond as quickly (i.e. no cognitive filter in play) as possible. You don't have to share it with anybody (it's not even really that serious), but it's important that you know for yourself.

Ready?

The question: Given your life right now, if you were to fast-forward one year where your daily habits hadn't changed, would you be satisfied and happy with the way you were living your life?

Be honest.

And one more question: Give your life right now, if you were to fast-forward five years where you daily habits (from today) hadn't changed, would you be satisfied and happy with the way you were living your life?

You did it! That's all - that's the game.  

Here's why we're even playing this game. It's not to highlight that you're disappointing yourself or something ill-intended (and if you happy with your response, then good for you!). It's really to highlight a sense of awareness regarding your daily habits and activities, and to help you project yourself into the future to see if you'd be happy with what you're doing currently. I hope that all makes sense. It's mostly about self-awareness, to make it simple. 

Here's your homework, then. Think about one thing that you want to be doing in one or five years. You can even keep it small. For example, maybe you want to stop biting your nails (I want to have long, strong nails in a year and in five years). Perfect. Focus on doing this one day at a time (so cliche, I know), but set yourself a longer-term goal, such as, "I'll go three days without biting my nails and see how I feel." And then maybe, "Okay, I'll go two weeks without biting my nails," and so on and so forth. Just keep lengthening the time you're engaging in your new habit, and, ultimately, you'll get to two months. By that time, ideally, it'll stick (with some maintenance). 

Good luck on your habit change! Also remember, this isn't just about right now, it's also about your in the future. If the best predictor of your future habits and self is your current habits and self, then what sort of future do you want and person do you want to be?

If you're somebody who knows you need support around changing a seemingly overwhelming habit, just reach out for a free, initial phone consult, and to see if counseling around this topic could be helpful for you.

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What Function Does It Serve?

“What’s needed on Earth is love of the dark side of ourselves.”

— Jeremy Griffith

Y'all are going to think I'm crazy, but this is way too relevant to not share.

Okay - so most of us want to figure out what our problems are so that we can change them right away, so that we can fix them and be done with it. I mean, people come into therapy and counseling specifically for that reason. They feel some level of distress (something isn't quite working in their life) and they're not quite sure what or how to "fix it." 

Here's where I come in...

(And only if people seek out counseling or therapy and/or read this...)

1. There is no 'fixing.'
   I bristle when I hear the word "fix." It makes me think that life is a problem to be solved rather than a journey to be experienced. Like there's a right way and a wrong way, and we need to make sure that we're on the 'right' path. Blegh. And also, like we view ourselves as these constant projects that just aren't measuring up to expectations.
   
   As an important caveat, I strongly agree with growth being a continual journey and self-reflection is an important part of that, which includes assessing our strengths and areas of growth. I'm not trying to imply that we shouldn't engage in some level of reflecting on who we are or how we can grow. I am saying, however, that we don't do ourselves any favors when we nitpick every little 'flaw' that we have and try to 'fix' (i.e. demolish, destroy, terminate) them. 
    
2. We don't pay enough attention to the benefits of those behaviors we so badly want to 'fix.'
   Here's what I mean by this. When there is something in place - a behavior or thought or whatever that you want to 'fix,' please trust me in saying that it's there for a reason. Yes, I know, "no it's not!!" No, seriously, it is. It's been serving a purpose for something and that is really important. And before you argue with me again, just because something has been important in some way doesn't mean that it has to stay in your life or stay important.
   
   For example, if you've been chugging beer to feel less anxious enough so that you can fall asleep at night, let's honor the fact that beer has helped you fall asleep. Yes, there are many holes in this (i.e. beer increases anxiety long-term and actually disrupts sleep cycles), but for the sake of this example, go with it. Beer has helped you fall asleep, and that is wonderful because you don't sleep well. If we just focus on getting rid of the beer chugging and not the importance of it as a sleep aid, then we're not going to ever really understand or be able to 'fix' the problem.
   
   The problem isn't the beer drinking - that's a symptom of the problem. In this case, the problem is sleep. If that's the only time and reason you're chugging beer, then it's sleep, rather than beer. Does that make sense? And if that's the case, then we can clearly see the benefits of chugging beer. I can only speak for myself, but I hate not getting enough sleep. I'm tired, cranky, can't think clearly or straight, and don't want to show up fully. With that in mind, I can fully understand why you might be chugging beer to get some semblance of rest.
   
   If we don't understand the importance of the behavior and the benefit of it, then we're not going to be able to create lasting change. 
    
3. We also need to clearly see the costs of those behaviors we so badly want to 'fix.'
   For every behavior, there's a benefit (see point two) and there's a cost. The cost is not necessarily material, although it can be. When I say cost, I'm really talking about psychological, emotional, mental, spiritual, and/or social cost. Literally, the cost is referring to what have you given up to keep this behavior alive. 
   
   For our beer-chugging insomniac, the cost is health, friends (because they act like an a-hole after chugging three beers), anxiety (see above), and money. Here's where people typically start looking at counseling or therapy - it's when the costs add up. It's when they become a little bit larger than the benefits. If we think of a set of scales, for example, the left side is costs and the right side is benefits. Initially, when engaging in beer chugging, the benefits seriously outweighed the costs. I mean, there was no thought about it. However, for each time this happened, the costs slowly and surely began to weigh a little more. Until eventually, they weighed about the same. This is still not enough to get into cousneling or therapy. It's only when the costs start to outweigh the benefits - when those scales tip in favor of costs, then people are ready to start talking about change. Not necessarily ready to change, but definitely ready to start talking about it. 
   
   This is hard stuff. Please don't think that change is ever easy or that behaviors are intentional in some way (whether conscious, subconscious, or unconsciously so).
    
4. We shame ourselves for the behavior, hoping to get rid of it.
   This ties back in with points number one and two, but is worth spelling out clearly. It seems to go like this - we have something we don't like and want to 'fix,' and then, when we fail at eradicating that thing from our lives permanently within one week (after doing it for 15 years), we feel bad, shameful, guilty, and like we're not trying hard enough, good enough to do it, or deserve to feel bad.
   
   The irony is that when we don't succeed and we feel bad about it, then we just set ourselves up to 'fail' again. Rather than thinking of the beer chugging (for example) as something you need to get rid of right now, think of it as something that you're going to learn about, delve into, see as maladaptive coping (at this point - not initially, right?), and create new behaviors that will give you the same or similar benefits without the same cost. 
   
   It's hard to see the sequence of events when you're wrapped up in feeling shitty, but it's easy to see it from the outside (hence why therapy and counseling can be so successful). 

I think this is obvious, but I'll say it again for good measure. Honor those things you so desperately want to 'fix.' They've served you well (to this point - the point of feeling distressed by them) and have probably been protective in some way. There is nothing wrong with those things. It's only when we assign judgment to them that they become an issue for us (in terms of trying to heal and/or adopt new behaviors or coping methods). In other words, when we feel icky and shameful about the things we want to 'fix,' we're not seeing them realistically. We can dislike something, try to change and grow from it, and not feel bad, guilty, or shameful about it. I hope that makes sense - it's all of the above, not either/or.

Additionally, I'm not advocating for self-destructive behaviors and/or for people to engage in really harmful things. There are times when immediate intervention is necessary. I am saying, however, that each behavior we engage in serves some sort of purpose. The sooner we can understand that purpose and honor that behavior, the more thoroughly we can heal and adopt new behaviors that serve us well, are adaptive coping mechanisms, and are healing, rather than destructive.

Why Anxiety is Rewarding

This is going to sound like the most confusing thing ever, but just hear me out.

Anxiety is rewarding. 

There, I said it.

It's rewarding. 

Please don't misunderstand, though. Anxiety is rewarding does not equal it's healthy to get lost in 'what if' thoughts that consume your life. It also does not equal don't give your brain time off because it likes to be worked 24/7/365.

No. So let me explain.

First off, anxiety is rewarding because there's this wonderful element of feeling productive. Seriously, there's an element of, "YES! I'm fixing things!!" when we get caught up in our minds, thinking about all of the things we have to do or problems we need to solve (those waiting for us at work, at home, with kids, with friends, with family - you name it). When we have anxiety and we get lost in our heads, we have this great feeling at the same time - one of productivity, protection (because we're thinking of all the worst-case scenarios), and planning (to do list for three days in advance, consider it done - #nailedit).

There's just something about letting our brain run free with reckless abandon that feels really freaking awesome.

Until it doesn't.

I mean, we love it until we don't. Am I right? Or do bears poo in the woods? I'm just kidding. Seriously, though. When we get caught up in our heads, thinking about all of the things we'd ever need to think about (your future great grandchildren and the cars they're going to drive), we feel good about planning, and then we get sidetracked into that spiral of horrible 'what if' thoughts. 

What if their cars aren't as safe? 
What if their cars fly and then they crash into a building?
What if their cars stop flying in mid-air?
What if they fly outside of the ozone layer?!

I'm being slightly ridiculous in my examples, but the reality is that anxious thoughts can be debilitating and really, really scary. They feel real and they're often accompanied by a sick thud of dread and a pervasive sense of doom. It's not fun and games to be in the throes of anxious thoughts. It is fun to plan and feel productive, but (again) we reach this other point. The point of feeling overwhelmed, uneasy, and scared of the future.

Here's the dilemma. 

The alternative is something I recommend frequently to clients. More often than not. The alternative, however, isn't nearly as rewarding as the productive/protective/planning feeling we get from thinking a lot. The alternative is mindfulness. 

Yes, mindfulness.

And before you go thinking that it's about having an empty mind (it's not) and sitting Dalai Lama style on a pillow in 1000 degree heat (it's not that, either), please just hear me out.

Mindfulness is one of the most effective ways of alleviating anxiety. Seriously, it is. It changes your brain chemistry, increases well-being and satisfaction with life, decreases anxiety, and decreases depression. 

Why, you ask, do people choose to not engage in mindfulness, even though there's plenty of research supporting its effectiveness with specific disorders and struggles? Well, my dear, I'd like to point you to the title of this post. Because anxiety is rewarding. And mindfulness is, quite frankly, a little bit hard for people who are used to (and thrive in) go-go-go mentality. Mindfulness is about creating an atmosphere of settling, of calm, or directing attention to the present moment - not of productivity, protection, or planning. Granted, you'll feel much safer (so to speak) when you do this practice regularly, but at first, it is absolutely hard to do.

Think about it. Rather than have you sit and focus on your breathing (a really simplified version of mindfulness, but I'm trying to make a point here), anxiety would have you run circles until you fall down exhausted. Anxiety doesn't want you to sit and breathe - it wants you to think about random possibilities that then release cortisol and adrenaline in your system, which give you that 'on edge' feeling, and then it wants to worry about those feelings because clearly something is wrong.

Silly anxiety. It just doesn't get it.

Anxiety is like a little kid who doesn't realize it's tired. The parent knows that their kid is tired, but the kid doesn't know. So then the kid runs around, picks fights, cries easily, and seems generally stressed out. When that happens, we know that we're supposed to step in and help little junior take a nap. When it's us, though, we don't see it the same way. We don't see that anxiety is actually that little kid. Do you want a little kid running your life? I love little kids, but I absolutely don't want one running my life.

That's what anxiety is up to. 

And it's come time for high noon in this town. We say, "no more," I tell you. "NO. MORE."

But be prepared. Don't think that anxiety is going to go down without a fight (like that little kid - no way, no how). Here's some internal resistance you'll likely get when you start.

• You'll get fighting back (your anxious brain will kick and scream once you start a mindfulness practice).
• You'll get calm and then a relapse. The calm will feel good and then you'll think, "sweet - I'm good to go." IT'S A TRICK. That's anxiety tricking you into thinking you're good to go. KEEP UP THE PRACTICE.
• You'll get angry. "Why should I have to practice this every day (or x amount of times per week?!)" 
• You'll make exceptions. "Well, just today I'll let this slide. I'm doing fine this morning anyway." IT'S A TRICK. Again, that's anxiety just trying to trick you. Don't let anxiety trick you.
• YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. Anxiety doesn't just come from thoughts, but this is a fantastic place to start. I promise you that.

As much as I love anxiety and think it serves a purpose, too much of it is no good. You can help yourself by treating your brain to a break every day for 10 easy minutes. I promise, it makes such a difference. Not a cure-all, but a significant difference in life so that you can show up more fully with the ones you love, at work, and with friends.

Five Reasons to Put Yourself First

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

Annabelle is a working woman.  She's got a full-time job that she loves, a partner that she loves, and great friends.  She balances her time doing extra work around the office or bringing work home (trying to move up in her corporation), being with her partner through outings, dinner, or relaxing (usually with work in tow), and attending get-togethers with friends, whether planned or spontaneous.  With all intents and purposes, Annabelle should feel ecstatic.  In her own words, "I have everything I wanted to have at this point in my life..."

(wait for it...).

"...but I'm exhausted.  I don't think I can keep it up and I don't even know if I want it anymore.  I spend all my time trying to find balance with these things and I feel like I can't give enough to any of them.  I'm at a loss, spread too thin, and I feel like a failure."

Annabelle is freaking tired.  The time that she does have, she feels guilty when it's not spent doing something for somebody, whether work, partner, or with friends.  When she doesn't have anything planned, she fills that space quickly with tasks and to-do lists (I know you have one, also!!), and she doesn't even want to spend her time off relaxing because it feels like a waste.

Let me let you in on a under-valued, little-known (but highly valuable) secret.

You need to take time for yourself.  

I'm even going to say it again, for good measure, because I know some of you are thinking, "Yeah, but, I don't have time!  I'm already busy enough! Even Annabelle doesn't have time for herself and she's your example!"  

You need to take time for yourself.  

I'm not going to get into "how" to make that happen here - that would require a post that's, like, 10 pages long, plus addendum throughout time because so many people have unique situations.

I can assure you, after many, many clients, that you absolutely can make time for you.  It's always possible and, sometimes, it requires some outside the box thinking. 

What I will get into is why it's important you take time for yourself and what you will see change for you.

1. It enhances your relationships.
Yes, you heard me right.  When you take time for yourself in some capacity, you will actually be more pleasant to your partner.  Additionally, you will be able to see more good from the other person.  Rather than looking to your partner for fulfillment, you'll have it yourself.  Having your own fulfillment means that you can outpour it to others and that you'll see more good in others, rather than bad.

2. It helps you feel better about yourself.
This is just the simplest way to say it.  When you give time to yourself, you're telling yourself, "I am of value.  I am worthy.  I deserve to relax.  I deserve to be nice to myself."  By adopting that attitude, you're going to start to exude it.  It will, quite literally, seep out of your pores.  Be that person - the one who consistently has a twinkle in their eye.

3. It's a good model for your kids (if you have them) and/or those closest to you.
I mean, this is pretty much only relevant for those who have kids or those who are planning on it someday.  In short, kids learn through modeling - NOT through conversation.  'Monkey see, monkey do.'  Why yes, yes, that's exactly right.  'Do as I say and not as I do?  Nope, not going to happen.'

What message do you want to send to you children?  One that says "hey, you, exhaust yourself and don't value yourself enough to care for yourself."  OR, "Hey, you, it's about time you took some time for yourself!"  The latter - absolutely, through and through, I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, the latter.  

If you take care of you, your children will learn to do the same.

4. It's a sign that you value yourself.
I mean, this really ties back in with point number two, but I'm okay with that.  When we value ourselves, we give ourselves what we need.  We don't shut down our needs for the sake of others, because we know that when we do that, we're exhausted, cranky, bitter, and resentful.  

We know that when we put ourselves first, we can actually be of more service to others.  (tweet this).

Now that's a crazy notion.

5. It's a way to stay full (internally and metaphorically) so that you have more to give.
Lastly, and this ties in with point number four, but when you give to yourself in such a way that you feel full on the inside?  Well, at that point, your fulfilled (metaphorical)  insides lovingly spill over onto those who are closest to you!!  And then, those good experiences fuel even more good experiences. It's a good experience choo-choo train!!  #allaboard!!

Have you ever left a resort, spa, good friend's house, mani/pedi salon, therapist's office (the list goes on and on) and felt really, really fulfilled on the inside?  Think about that moment, and then think about how you interacted with those people in your life - the ones you passed on the street, your family, strangers, and even animals.  I would hazard a guess that it was in a distinct way from your normal interaction.

I'm not promising that engaging in self-care is going to transform you into Princess Aurora or Cinder-freaking-rella, but I am promising you that engaging in self-care is going to get you feeling good on a more consistent basis.  

As per usual, I love your thoughts and am looking forward to your comments.  What act of self-care are you willing to engage in right now? Reach out through the contact form or email (tara@thecounselinghub) is self-care is something you want to work on in counseling.