Give Your Brain a Break

Think about the very first thing you do in the morning. If you're like the vast majority of people (let's stick with in the United States), then you probably reach to your nightstand and check your phone. I'm assuming you check for social media updates, personal and work email, and maybe the news. Am I guessing right? 

This isn't a post to criticize technology use. 

This is really a post to question your awareness of technology use. 

How quickly do you turn to your phone when you have nothing to do? How quickly do you pull it out if you feel uncomfortable or awkward in any given situation? And how quickly do you turned your phone when you "should" be doing something else? 

Again, not criticizing technology. 

My point in even questioning this is  to wonder about the  result of turning to our phones when we feel bored, uncomfortable, or even right when we wake up. L I can't help but think that it all results in constant stimulation and us being inundated with information.  And I'm not sure what good that does for us. 

When we are constantly stimulated, we leave no room for empty mental space, which is where creativity thrives, and which gives are brain a break. 

And when we constantly turn to our phones, especially when we first wake up, we're not even giving our brain a chance to exist without incoming information. Between thinking constantly (which most people do) and constantly taking in information, what is that doing for us?  

My guess is not much.  

The Brain Challenge

So, my challenge for you is to set your phone aside for the first 10 minutes after you wake up for two full weeks.  

If you use your phone as an alarm clock, then right when you wake up from your alarm, shut it off and step away from the phone.  For 10 minutes.  Maybe just sit and look outside at nature, or have a cup of coffee or tea, or journal,  or do squats, push-ups, and crunches, or do anything that makes you feel calm and good.  This isn't a directive to start doing any one of those particular things – the challenge is to set your phone aside for the first 10 minutes of your day. 

Good luck to you and keep me posted on how you do!  

Dealing with Difficult People

We've all been there. There's that one person who just gets under our skin, who we can't understand, and who operates in a way that makes little to no sense to us. 

Let's get clear on a few things before I start getting into this. First of all, when I say difficult people, I don't mean 'people who are intentionally difficult.' I simply mean people who we experience as difficult. That's key here. Secondly, difficult people can include those people who we just don't click with. Regardless of what we've been taught from young ages ("everybody can get along"), the truth is that there are people who we simply don't jive with and operate much differently than. This, in and of itself, is a nonissue. However, when it comes to interacting with that person (through work, family, or friend groups), that's when problems can arise. 

Now, let's pause.

Think of that person in your life. Hopefully, it's hard for you to think of somebody. Realistically, one person immediately popped into your head. No shame in that.

Now, here are three things you can do to hopefully slow down your agitation train and chillax on the relaxation yacht. (Don't judge my language, just go with it).

1. Remember that it's not personal. 
   Yes, I understand. This is so much easier said than done. With that said, it's still effective. If we can take into consideration that this person isn't acting maliciously or intentionally trying to sabotage us (and our sanity), then we can have a little more leniency with them. Most people aren't doing things intentionally, they're doing things as a result of their own temperament, personality, and lived experiences. 
    
2. Assume similarity.
   This one is funny. As frustrated as you are with this person? It's highly likely that they're equally as frustrated with you. It's not as though you're alone in your experience of frustration. And what we know about assuming similarity is that it can create some space for empathy (for the other person). Don't think about empathy as making excuses for the person - think about it as being able to see something from their point of view. That's all it is. Taking on the stance of the other person.
    
3. Self-reflect on your role.
   This ties in with the whole "assume similarity" piece, but the point here is that you actively self-reflect on your own role in the interaction. For example, are your expectations unrealistic for the other person, but you're also unwilling to change them? Or are you assuming they know how you think or feel without actually sharing it with them? Are you guessing at what they're thinking or feeling without asking them? I could go on and on, but I'll stop. I think you get the point. And, an important note, taking responsibility for your own role is not the same as taking responsibility for the whole interaction. That's not what I mean, nor is that useful. However, focus on yourself in the interaction - what do you do and what can you change?

That's about all from me, folks! It sucks being in this place, where we feel stuck and frustrated about having a difficult person (or difficult people, plural) in our lives. With that said, try to adopt the three suggestions above and see what difference it makes, if any. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences, also, so make sure to share below!

Three Keys to a Successful Relationship

There are three basic things you can do to make sure that your relationship is in a good place. Granted, I can't make you (or your partner or partners) do any of these things, but I can let you know what these basic things are in the hopes that you'll start to implement them. 

Let's get clear on one quick thing. These things are simple, yes. Although they aren't necessarily easy.

Of course not, right?

Why can't relationships be easy?! I don't have an answer to that, but I do know that if we front load the work (i.e. learn these basic things in the beginning and/or right now), then the rest of our uncharted territory can be smooth sailing. Mostly because we know how to navigate various terrain - not necessarily because life/relationships get easier. We just get way more adept at being in them. 

Be Friends

This one seems so obvious, doesn't it?! But it goes unaddressed for some relationships. Once we get into the comfort of a relationship and we feel as though we know our partner, it's not as exciting to hear about their day, or it's not as thrilling to ask random questions (partly because we think we know), and it's harder to make time for that weekly date. 

PLUS, there's history now. We've got a history of things that have happened between us, so it's harder to 'start fresh,' so to speak. None of which means negative outcomes. I'm just trying to paint a picture of what typical relationships look like.

SO, my point is this. It's important to be friends. To see how your partner's day was, to ask about their plans for the future, to do things together (whether that's a night in or out or something completely different). 

It's also important to be fond of your partner, to admire who they are, for them (and you) to feel known by each other, and to respond to them rather than ignore or dismiss them. 

You'll see that the Gottmans (relationship counseling pioneers and gurus [stellar research to back up their work, also]) refer to the first three levels of their Sound Relationship House as the "friendship system." This is for good reason.

Fight Effectively

This is also based on the Gottman's work. When push comes to shove (no pun intended), it's important how we fight.

A common myth is that fighting leads to divorce. This is completely wrong. Some people in relationships argue more than others. It's really not that big of a deal. Of course, there are a couple of caveats.

Things we don't want to see in the middle of a fight (based on the Gottmans' work, as well as PREP, Inc's. "danger signs"):

• contempt (i.e. moral superiority)
• defensiveness (i.e. blaming, tit for tat)
• withdrawal/stonewalling (i.e. shutting down, leaving the room)
• criticism (i.e. "you're selfish")
• escalation (similar to defensiveness)
• invalidation (similar to contempt)
• negative interpretations

Believe it or not, fighting absolutely can take place without any of the above. While there are very few of us who are naturally good at this type of fighting, it is able to be taught (and learned) by many who try. Plus, it's very effective at keeping relationships in a good place.

And, for what it's worth, fighting is a common reason why people come in for relationship counseling. There are also other factors that feed into the above list. If you're trying to avoid the things above and are struggling, I'd suggest you seek out a trained therapist and get in for some sessions. 

Learn How to Respond to Good and Bad News

Alright - last thing to keep in mind. 

Quickly, imagine your partner comes to you and says, "Babe! Guess what?! I finally got that promotion at work I've been wanting!!" 

How do you respond? 

1. "Wow! That's stellar! I'm so proud of you and I know you've worked so hard. Tell me all about it!" (with excitement in your expression)
2. "Hey, that's cool" (without excitement in your expression)
3. "Really? Isn't that just going to mean more time away from home?"
4. "Okay. What's for dinner?"

Turns out, the way that you respond is strongly related the satisfaction of your relationship.

For those who chose option 1, this is a good thing. It's called an "active constructive" response and means that you're enthusiastic and supportive of your partner in that moment. This is the most strongly related to relationship satisfaction. In other words, if you're doing this, then keep on keeping on!

Option 2 is a "passive constructive" response. It means that you're acknowledging your partner's news, but don't really seem excited or happy about it. This is deflating for your partner (take a second and imagine being on the receiving end of this type of response).

Option 3 is an "active destructive" response. It's belittling rather than supportive, and doesn't take your partner's feelings or work into consideration. 

Option 4 is a "passive destructive" response. It minimizes the news by basically ignoring it and turns to topic over to something that is personally relevant.

The good news is that you've got four options (not one thousand). The bad news is that if you're prone to options 2-4, you'll need to reflect and adjust course. Sometimes easier said than done, but still doable.

Need Help?!

Perfect! The Counseling Hub offers relationship counseling for all types of relationships (hetero, lgb+, non-monogamous, etc.) and Tara has been level II trained in the Gottman Method and is certified in the PREP, Inc. approach, both of which are supported by loads of research. Reach out today to get something set up and/or email us with any questions you might have!

Embrace The Boredom of Life

I am just going to come out and say it. Life can be boring, mundane, and monotonous.  There. It's out in the open. Can't take it back.

it seems that so many people strive for this "perfect" life, but don't realize that striving for something that doesn't exist without embracing this basic sort of fact (that's clearly a personal bias) that life can be boring at times leads to feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. It's not that I don't want people to strive for better or more or more content or happier, but I want people to be realistic about their strivings. If your goal is to feel elated on a daily basis, then that's an issue. If your goal is to jump out of bed every morning and scream at the top of your lungs, "I love life!!!," we can make that happen, but I don't know how real that might be for you. Real as in authentic and true. I don't know if that action would match up with the way you felt on the inside. The way you feel on the inside is the purpose of this blog. Just to clarify. 

My point is this – we strive for lightness without embracing it's counterpart. It's so cliché to even say, but we can't have light without dark, we don't have good without bad, and we don't have right without wrong. We are, dare I say, always creating contexts for ourselves. What I mean by that is that if we're given the numbers five through 10, we see five as a low and 10 as high. However, when we learn or realize that the numbers go from 1 to 100, we see five and 10 as low and anything above 75 high. The context, or the additional information, makes a huge difference. We will consistently create different groups, so to speak, based on the information that we have. 

Which means what, you're asking. It means that no matter what's going on in your life, you will feel like there's better than what you have and then strive for it. The downside of that, though, is feeling like you're missing out on something and/or striving for more, better, or the best ever. It's both, not one or the other. And the sooner we realize and embrace this fact, the more we can rest into the present situation, assuming that it's not a toxic one. 

Your Life is Now, Not in Five Years

I'm sure I've read something similar to this somewhere - most things I reflect on come from things I read or hear (probably not alone in that). SO, it was this notion that the best predictors for where you're going to be tomorrow and then the next day and then the next week and so on is not where you are today, but what you're doing.

Basically, the best predictor of future actions are current actions. I'm not going to go so far as to say that nobody can 'move' in their life. I don't think that's true. What I do think is true, however, is that people only move when they put in the effort, intention, and focus on moving. And I think that getting to the point where you're putting all that time and energy into something you don't see results for right away is, well, pretty disheartening. So then we say "eff it" and go back to what we were doing right before. 

What we don't think about, however, is what that means for us long term. If we just decide to be done with something that doesn't bring his immediate results, then how can we expect to make changes in our lives that stay in place (rhetorical - I'm emphasizing a point).

I remember a year or so ago, I read something about habit formation and felt shocked. I had been under the impression that a habit takes 30 days to form, which is a long time, but seems doable. What I read, however, said that research says habits take more than 60 days to stick. 60 DAYS!!! We're going from one month to two, and while that may not seem like a huge deal - it's TWICE as long as what the most people typically think it takes. Quite a bit longer, if we put it that way.

So, I want us to play a small game. Nothing major, now - just a quick game. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be super honest with yourself and, more importantly, note the first response that comes to your mind. The 'game' is that you don't filter your response, rather that you respond as quickly (i.e. no cognitive filter in play) as possible. You don't have to share it with anybody (it's not even really that serious), but it's important that you know for yourself.

Ready?

The question: Given your life right now, if you were to fast-forward one year where your daily habits hadn't changed, would you be satisfied and happy with the way you were living your life?

Be honest.

And one more question: Give your life right now, if you were to fast-forward five years where you daily habits (from today) hadn't changed, would you be satisfied and happy with the way you were living your life?

You did it! That's all - that's the game.  

Here's why we're even playing this game. It's not to highlight that you're disappointing yourself or something ill-intended (and if you happy with your response, then good for you!). It's really to highlight a sense of awareness regarding your daily habits and activities, and to help you project yourself into the future to see if you'd be happy with what you're doing currently. I hope that all makes sense. It's mostly about self-awareness, to make it simple. 

Here's your homework, then. Think about one thing that you want to be doing in one or five years. You can even keep it small. For example, maybe you want to stop biting your nails (I want to have long, strong nails in a year and in five years). Perfect. Focus on doing this one day at a time (so cliche, I know), but set yourself a longer-term goal, such as, "I'll go three days without biting my nails and see how I feel." And then maybe, "Okay, I'll go two weeks without biting my nails," and so on and so forth. Just keep lengthening the time you're engaging in your new habit, and, ultimately, you'll get to two months. By that time, ideally, it'll stick (with some maintenance). 

Good luck on your habit change! Also remember, this isn't just about right now, it's also about your in the future. If the best predictor of your future habits and self is your current habits and self, then what sort of future do you want and person do you want to be?

If you're somebody who knows you need support around changing a seemingly overwhelming habit, just reach out for a free, initial phone consult, and to see if counseling around this topic could be helpful for you.

Contact The Counseling Hub
Call The Counseling Hub: 636-336-2991

Anxiety - Part II (Existential)

Alrighty, friends. This is a continuation of the first part in a series of posts on anxiety. Each post covers one distinct aspect of anxiety (existential, biological and genetic, evolutionary, psychological, and behavioral) and all aspects can comprise your (or anybody's) experience with anxiety. Although some might be more relevant than others. The purpose of this isn't to tell you how to 'cure' your anxiety and it's not a magic fix; the purpose is to think about anxiety in a different way. 

I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Lots of counselors that I know think of anxiety as purely a psychological problem. That is, they believe anxiety is a result of your thoughts... and that's about it. My take is that there are many more pieces to the puzzle (see the list above of all the different aspects). When we start to understand all these aspects and see how they influence and/or show up in our own lives and in our experience of anxiety, then we can start moving forward in an effective and efficient way in managing and living with our anxiety.

SO, now that I added that little caveat above, let's get back to the task at hand. Again, this is part II of writing about existential anxiety. I broke it up because the first blog was getting outta control in length. I had to shut myself up and continue the saga later on. That later on is now. Here we go.

As a recap and if you haven't read the first post (you can do so here), I wrote about how meaning and freedom can feed into existential crises and existential anxiety. Two other pieces of existential anxiety and our human condition (Yalom term) are isolation and death. In short, these are two things we, as humans, cannot avoid. In any way. And they are anxiety provoking, in and of themselves. 

Isolation

This is a funny one to think about. I mean, when we think about humans, we have some basic assumptions about them. One of those assumptions is often that we're social creatures. Research highly supports this - we don't do well when we're lonely. We suffer both mental and physical negative effects when we feel isolated and lonely (there's even research to reduce loneliness for people). And social support, on the other hand, is a protective factor against the negative effects of loneliness.

All of the above said - this isn't what we even mean when we're talking about isolation. When we talk about isolation in an existential context, we're talking about the fact that, although we can get really, really close and intimate with people, we can't ever really know what it's like to be them. And they can't ever know what it's like to be us. We can't know what exists outside of our own bodies, ever. Our whole experience in life is, quite literally, isolated to us. It's great to share moments with people, but even when we walk away and/or talk about that moment with the same person who was there, we experience it significantly differently. And when we really sit and think about that (or if it just comes over us like a runaway train), we can feel immense anxiety. Thinking that we're alone in the world, which is great and big, can be very terrifying. 

Death Anxiety

Ah, last, but definitely not least. And no, pun not intended (get it - "last?!"). Seriously, it's going to be the very last thing that ever happens to us in our earthly domain. And, unsurprisingly, it's horrifying for some people. Again, not all, although I would argue that it could be horrifying for all, depending on one's level of interaction with it. That's a different sort of post, though.

(Note the quote on the right. If you can't tell, I think Yalom is the bee's knees.) And here's the gist of death anxiety. The whole idea of dying, nothingness, ceasing to exist can be, again, extremely terrifying. And yet, it's part of being human. Everything that's alive will die. It's inevitable and still terrifying. When we, as humans, come to face death in our lives, we typically feel intense anxiety around it. This can show up in various forms - questioning what's going to happen to us, our families, our friends, whether there's an afterlife, what the purpose of living and life is, how it's going to feel when we die, if we'll be aware of it, whether or not any supernatural/transcendent being exists, and on and on and on. I'm sure I'm missing some examples.

When we're in this place, feeling that intense anxiety, we can't really do much other than to accept the fact that it's there and try to process through it with people who are willing to talk about it ("Hi there, I'm Tara!"). Facing it, over and over and over, and turning towards it rather than away from it, will save us (to steal from Yalom). When we actually face the things we're terrified of, we gain back the power. We can't change the fact that we're going to die at some point in our lives. Sometimes, it's unfair. Sometimes, it's devastating. Sometimes, it's tragic. Sometimes, it's sudden and unexpected. Sometimes, it's beautiful. But no times is it inevitable. And the anxiety comes from the fact that we don't really know what's on the other side. Yes, some of us have beliefs about what's beyond this life, but existential fears come into play when we don't know for certain.

What's Next

What's next is that we're going to continue down our path to understanding anxiety in a, hopefully, richer and more robust way. I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people who likes to understand things as much as I can and in a way that makes sense for me. That means multiple angles of one thing. Think of it like a figurative 3d picture. We're seeing anxiety from a bunch of different views and perspectives - this is why I think anxiety is fascinating.

I'll also point this out - I don't like to move forward in working with people who have anxiety until I'm sure of what piece of their anxiety they're struggling with the most. For example, some people come in to deal with death anxiety, while others come in to deal with the psychological components of anxiety. The sooner I (and my clients) understand what they're struggling with, the sooner we can do more effective work. It's beautiful. And hard. And rewarding. All of the above.

Until next time, my friends... 

What Function Does It Serve?

“What’s needed on Earth is love of the dark side of ourselves.”

— Jeremy Griffith

Y'all are going to think I'm crazy, but this is way too relevant to not share.

Okay - so most of us want to figure out what our problems are so that we can change them right away, so that we can fix them and be done with it. I mean, people come into therapy and counseling specifically for that reason. They feel some level of distress (something isn't quite working in their life) and they're not quite sure what or how to "fix it." 

Here's where I come in...

(And only if people seek out counseling or therapy and/or read this...)

1. There is no 'fixing.'
   I bristle when I hear the word "fix." It makes me think that life is a problem to be solved rather than a journey to be experienced. Like there's a right way and a wrong way, and we need to make sure that we're on the 'right' path. Blegh. And also, like we view ourselves as these constant projects that just aren't measuring up to expectations.
   
   As an important caveat, I strongly agree with growth being a continual journey and self-reflection is an important part of that, which includes assessing our strengths and areas of growth. I'm not trying to imply that we shouldn't engage in some level of reflecting on who we are or how we can grow. I am saying, however, that we don't do ourselves any favors when we nitpick every little 'flaw' that we have and try to 'fix' (i.e. demolish, destroy, terminate) them. 
    
2. We don't pay enough attention to the benefits of those behaviors we so badly want to 'fix.'
   Here's what I mean by this. When there is something in place - a behavior or thought or whatever that you want to 'fix,' please trust me in saying that it's there for a reason. Yes, I know, "no it's not!!" No, seriously, it is. It's been serving a purpose for something and that is really important. And before you argue with me again, just because something has been important in some way doesn't mean that it has to stay in your life or stay important.
   
   For example, if you've been chugging beer to feel less anxious enough so that you can fall asleep at night, let's honor the fact that beer has helped you fall asleep. Yes, there are many holes in this (i.e. beer increases anxiety long-term and actually disrupts sleep cycles), but for the sake of this example, go with it. Beer has helped you fall asleep, and that is wonderful because you don't sleep well. If we just focus on getting rid of the beer chugging and not the importance of it as a sleep aid, then we're not going to ever really understand or be able to 'fix' the problem.
   
   The problem isn't the beer drinking - that's a symptom of the problem. In this case, the problem is sleep. If that's the only time and reason you're chugging beer, then it's sleep, rather than beer. Does that make sense? And if that's the case, then we can clearly see the benefits of chugging beer. I can only speak for myself, but I hate not getting enough sleep. I'm tired, cranky, can't think clearly or straight, and don't want to show up fully. With that in mind, I can fully understand why you might be chugging beer to get some semblance of rest.
   
   If we don't understand the importance of the behavior and the benefit of it, then we're not going to be able to create lasting change. 
    
3. We also need to clearly see the costs of those behaviors we so badly want to 'fix.'
   For every behavior, there's a benefit (see point two) and there's a cost. The cost is not necessarily material, although it can be. When I say cost, I'm really talking about psychological, emotional, mental, spiritual, and/or social cost. Literally, the cost is referring to what have you given up to keep this behavior alive. 
   
   For our beer-chugging insomniac, the cost is health, friends (because they act like an a-hole after chugging three beers), anxiety (see above), and money. Here's where people typically start looking at counseling or therapy - it's when the costs add up. It's when they become a little bit larger than the benefits. If we think of a set of scales, for example, the left side is costs and the right side is benefits. Initially, when engaging in beer chugging, the benefits seriously outweighed the costs. I mean, there was no thought about it. However, for each time this happened, the costs slowly and surely began to weigh a little more. Until eventually, they weighed about the same. This is still not enough to get into cousneling or therapy. It's only when the costs start to outweigh the benefits - when those scales tip in favor of costs, then people are ready to start talking about change. Not necessarily ready to change, but definitely ready to start talking about it. 
   
   This is hard stuff. Please don't think that change is ever easy or that behaviors are intentional in some way (whether conscious, subconscious, or unconsciously so).
    
4. We shame ourselves for the behavior, hoping to get rid of it.
   This ties back in with points number one and two, but is worth spelling out clearly. It seems to go like this - we have something we don't like and want to 'fix,' and then, when we fail at eradicating that thing from our lives permanently within one week (after doing it for 15 years), we feel bad, shameful, guilty, and like we're not trying hard enough, good enough to do it, or deserve to feel bad.
   
   The irony is that when we don't succeed and we feel bad about it, then we just set ourselves up to 'fail' again. Rather than thinking of the beer chugging (for example) as something you need to get rid of right now, think of it as something that you're going to learn about, delve into, see as maladaptive coping (at this point - not initially, right?), and create new behaviors that will give you the same or similar benefits without the same cost. 
   
   It's hard to see the sequence of events when you're wrapped up in feeling shitty, but it's easy to see it from the outside (hence why therapy and counseling can be so successful). 

I think this is obvious, but I'll say it again for good measure. Honor those things you so desperately want to 'fix.' They've served you well (to this point - the point of feeling distressed by them) and have probably been protective in some way. There is nothing wrong with those things. It's only when we assign judgment to them that they become an issue for us (in terms of trying to heal and/or adopt new behaviors or coping methods). In other words, when we feel icky and shameful about the things we want to 'fix,' we're not seeing them realistically. We can dislike something, try to change and grow from it, and not feel bad, guilty, or shameful about it. I hope that makes sense - it's all of the above, not either/or.

Additionally, I'm not advocating for self-destructive behaviors and/or for people to engage in really harmful things. There are times when immediate intervention is necessary. I am saying, however, that each behavior we engage in serves some sort of purpose. The sooner we can understand that purpose and honor that behavior, the more thoroughly we can heal and adopt new behaviors that serve us well, are adaptive coping mechanisms, and are healing, rather than destructive.

Five Reasons to Put Yourself First

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

Annabelle is a working woman.  She's got a full-time job that she loves, a partner that she loves, and great friends.  She balances her time doing extra work around the office or bringing work home (trying to move up in her corporation), being with her partner through outings, dinner, or relaxing (usually with work in tow), and attending get-togethers with friends, whether planned or spontaneous.  With all intents and purposes, Annabelle should feel ecstatic.  In her own words, "I have everything I wanted to have at this point in my life..."

(wait for it...).

"...but I'm exhausted.  I don't think I can keep it up and I don't even know if I want it anymore.  I spend all my time trying to find balance with these things and I feel like I can't give enough to any of them.  I'm at a loss, spread too thin, and I feel like a failure."

Annabelle is freaking tired.  The time that she does have, she feels guilty when it's not spent doing something for somebody, whether work, partner, or with friends.  When she doesn't have anything planned, she fills that space quickly with tasks and to-do lists (I know you have one, also!!), and she doesn't even want to spend her time off relaxing because it feels like a waste.

Let me let you in on a under-valued, little-known (but highly valuable) secret.

You need to take time for yourself.  

I'm even going to say it again, for good measure, because I know some of you are thinking, "Yeah, but, I don't have time!  I'm already busy enough! Even Annabelle doesn't have time for herself and she's your example!"  

You need to take time for yourself.  

I'm not going to get into "how" to make that happen here - that would require a post that's, like, 10 pages long, plus addendum throughout time because so many people have unique situations.

I can assure you, after many, many clients, that you absolutely can make time for you.  It's always possible and, sometimes, it requires some outside the box thinking. 

What I will get into is why it's important you take time for yourself and what you will see change for you.

1. It enhances your relationships.
Yes, you heard me right.  When you take time for yourself in some capacity, you will actually be more pleasant to your partner.  Additionally, you will be able to see more good from the other person.  Rather than looking to your partner for fulfillment, you'll have it yourself.  Having your own fulfillment means that you can outpour it to others and that you'll see more good in others, rather than bad.

2. It helps you feel better about yourself.
This is just the simplest way to say it.  When you give time to yourself, you're telling yourself, "I am of value.  I am worthy.  I deserve to relax.  I deserve to be nice to myself."  By adopting that attitude, you're going to start to exude it.  It will, quite literally, seep out of your pores.  Be that person - the one who consistently has a twinkle in their eye.

3. It's a good model for your kids (if you have them) and/or those closest to you.
I mean, this is pretty much only relevant for those who have kids or those who are planning on it someday.  In short, kids learn through modeling - NOT through conversation.  'Monkey see, monkey do.'  Why yes, yes, that's exactly right.  'Do as I say and not as I do?  Nope, not going to happen.'

What message do you want to send to you children?  One that says "hey, you, exhaust yourself and don't value yourself enough to care for yourself."  OR, "Hey, you, it's about time you took some time for yourself!"  The latter - absolutely, through and through, I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, the latter.  

If you take care of you, your children will learn to do the same.

4. It's a sign that you value yourself.
I mean, this really ties back in with point number two, but I'm okay with that.  When we value ourselves, we give ourselves what we need.  We don't shut down our needs for the sake of others, because we know that when we do that, we're exhausted, cranky, bitter, and resentful.  

We know that when we put ourselves first, we can actually be of more service to others.  (tweet this).

Now that's a crazy notion.

5. It's a way to stay full (internally and metaphorically) so that you have more to give.
Lastly, and this ties in with point number four, but when you give to yourself in such a way that you feel full on the inside?  Well, at that point, your fulfilled (metaphorical)  insides lovingly spill over onto those who are closest to you!!  And then, those good experiences fuel even more good experiences. It's a good experience choo-choo train!!  #allaboard!!

Have you ever left a resort, spa, good friend's house, mani/pedi salon, therapist's office (the list goes on and on) and felt really, really fulfilled on the inside?  Think about that moment, and then think about how you interacted with those people in your life - the ones you passed on the street, your family, strangers, and even animals.  I would hazard a guess that it was in a distinct way from your normal interaction.

I'm not promising that engaging in self-care is going to transform you into Princess Aurora or Cinder-freaking-rella, but I am promising you that engaging in self-care is going to get you feeling good on a more consistent basis.  

As per usual, I love your thoughts and am looking forward to your comments.  What act of self-care are you willing to engage in right now? Reach out through the contact form or email (tara@thecounselinghub) is self-care is something you want to work on in counseling.