Accepting That People Might Not Like You

This seems funny to talk about, but it’s actually a significant factor in lots of lives. Here's the long and short of it. You will interact with people who don’t like you.  WILL. Not “maybe you can sway them,” but actually, “some people won’t like you.” Period. 

Sit with that.

Is it hard to stomach? Are you feeling okay with it or is it something that makes you feel a little bit icky on the inside?  

Okay, now sit with this. You go to say something to another person and are met with a look of disgust or contempt, and you feel slightly gut-punched because it came out of nowhere and you don’t know what you did wrong. You start reflecting and thinking about what you said, how you said it, what you were thinking about when you said it and if your facial expression was an accurate representation of the message you were trying to relay, if what you said is a trigger for this other person (or could possibly be?!), if you’ve ever had an interaction like that with them before, or if they seemed like they were having a bad day and you shouldn’t have tried to talk to them in the first place.

BLEGH. All of those thoughts race through your head in a matter of 3 seconds. Then you spend the next three days feeling terrible, the three after that figuring out what you should do about it, and then the next three thinking about the next time you see them. At the same time, you start thinking how uncomfortable it’s going to be, how awkward you feel because you’re not even sure what you did wrong in the first place, and then you spend three more days after that acting like you don’t care and trying to let it go. Except one day you randomly think about it (again) which starts the whole process over.

Does that sound more familiar? 

It’s okay if it does! I mean, it doesn’t sound very pleasant, by any means, but it’s okay that the process occurs for you.

My guess is that you don’t feel comfortable with it and want to be able to let go of feeling totally wrapped up with whatever the situation was. 

Realistically, part of existing in life means that people aren’t going to Iike you. It’s going to be based on a variety of factors, some of which you could probably change (but would you want to?) and some of which have nothing to do with you.

Maybe a question to think about and reflect on is whether or not it’s worth it to invest your energy in a person who seems to not like you, or whether it’s time for you to invest your time in working on yourself through counseling with Tim, who specializes in social relationships. I’ll give you a hint - one has a much higher and long-term payoff than the other. 

Dealing with Difficult People

We've all been there. There's that one person who just gets under our skin, who we can't understand, and who operates in a way that makes little to no sense to us. 

Let's get clear on a few things before I start getting into this. First of all, when I say difficult people, I don't mean 'people who are intentionally difficult.' I simply mean people who we experience as difficult. That's key here. Secondly, difficult people can include those people who we just don't click with. Regardless of what we've been taught from young ages ("everybody can get along"), the truth is that there are people who we simply don't jive with and operate much differently than. This, in and of itself, is a nonissue. However, when it comes to interacting with that person (through work, family, or friend groups), that's when problems can arise. 

Now, let's pause.

Think of that person in your life. Hopefully, it's hard for you to think of somebody. Realistically, one person immediately popped into your head. No shame in that.

Now, here are three things you can do to hopefully slow down your agitation train and chillax on the relaxation yacht. (Don't judge my language, just go with it).

1. Remember that it's not personal. 
   Yes, I understand. This is so much easier said than done. With that said, it's still effective. If we can take into consideration that this person isn't acting maliciously or intentionally trying to sabotage us (and our sanity), then we can have a little more leniency with them. Most people aren't doing things intentionally, they're doing things as a result of their own temperament, personality, and lived experiences. 
    
2. Assume similarity.
   This one is funny. As frustrated as you are with this person? It's highly likely that they're equally as frustrated with you. It's not as though you're alone in your experience of frustration. And what we know about assuming similarity is that it can create some space for empathy (for the other person). Don't think about empathy as making excuses for the person - think about it as being able to see something from their point of view. That's all it is. Taking on the stance of the other person.
    
3. Self-reflect on your role.
   This ties in with the whole "assume similarity" piece, but the point here is that you actively self-reflect on your own role in the interaction. For example, are your expectations unrealistic for the other person, but you're also unwilling to change them? Or are you assuming they know how you think or feel without actually sharing it with them? Are you guessing at what they're thinking or feeling without asking them? I could go on and on, but I'll stop. I think you get the point. And, an important note, taking responsibility for your own role is not the same as taking responsibility for the whole interaction. That's not what I mean, nor is that useful. However, focus on yourself in the interaction - what do you do and what can you change?

That's about all from me, folks! It sucks being in this place, where we feel stuck and frustrated about having a difficult person (or difficult people, plural) in our lives. With that said, try to adopt the three suggestions above and see what difference it makes, if any. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences, also, so make sure to share below!