Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4

The Four Horsemen | Defensiveness

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And we're back!

Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling). 

How does defensiveness feel?

Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.

Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?

If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!

You've officially experienced defensiveness.

The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.

How does defensiveness show up?

The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").

Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.

You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!

When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Conflict Avoidance by Listening (Easy as Pie)

Typical Fighting... Wanh Waaaaaanh

You know the song and dance...

Partner one says, "I'm upset about this thing that happened." Partner two says, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Partner one says, "You did xyz!" Partner two says, "That's only because you did abc!" And then the two careen into a fight that has no real beginning and no real end.

Both partners feel justified. Both partners feel vilified. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated.

IT SUCKS.

And while your fight may not look exactly like that, my guess is that it has its own path to destruction (e.g. somebody raises their voice, somebody shuts down, somebody name calls, somebody threatens divorce).

Here's the question I have for you, then.

If you could significantly cut down on any and all of the above by doing one simple thing, would you do it?

This thing isn't easy, necessarily, but it's pretty damn effective at avoiding the car crash of an argument that's waiting to happen between my partners one and two (see above).

Listening vs. Feeling Heard

Here's the long and short of it.

Listen to your partner until they feel heard (and before you say what you think).

I know, I know. "But I do listen to my partner!" Meh. Maybe? But, really, my guess is that you think you listen, but that doesn't mean your partner feels heard. This is a key distinction. Listening and feeling heard are not the same thing.

If you want to be heard in a conversation, you must (I repeat, must) listen first; listen until your partner feels understood and heard. You can check whether they feel heard by doing two simple things:

1. Summarizing what you hear them saying. Literally, paraphrase what they've shared and say it back to them.
2. Ask, "Am I understanding you correctly?" And, "Is there anything else?"

Once your partner, "Yes, that's it," then you say, "Great. I'm glad you feel understood. I'd like to share my thoughts and/or feelings and/or experience." And hopefully your partner feels comforted in being heard and then makes the space for you to share.

Boom. Recipe for a love connection.

That's just a joke, but seriously, this will help to ensure that both of you get a chance to share and be heard. And, again, this is simple, but I promise you it's not necessarily easy. Take some time to practice and make sure you share this with your partner so that they know what's going on!

Rock on, Wayne. Rock on, Garth.

Be well and good luck!

Are We Even Compatible?!

Here's a question I've heard before - maybe it's even a question you've asked yourself in the heat of battle...

Is this normal or are we not actually compatible?

Then, for the icing on the cake: Shouldn't I be feeling (insert your choice of feeling word - the one that you've probably said to yourself before)?!

Well, let's talk, shall we? 

First, that's a scary question at any point in a relationship. I would say especially when you've invested a certain amount of time and energy into making it work. To feel that sick thud of doubt is terrifying for many people and... it doesn't actually mean anything.

I mean, sure, it means that you're definitely in the middle or something big and that you're definitely reevaluating your relationship (on some level). Feeling that doubt or even questioning your relationship doesn't mean, however, that you're doomed to fail, or that you're with the wrong person, or that you're even doing something wrong as a couple.

Here are three reasons why.

1.  Doubt Doesn't Necessarily Mean Don't
Let's be real, here. We've all felt doubt about our relationship at certain points. If you haven't, freaking congratulations!! That's really fantastic and I'm happy to hear. If you have, you are not alone!! It is absolutely not uncommon to question whether the relationship you're in is actually working or if you're forcing it to work or if you'd be better off with someone else or if you're being your true self or why you're staying when you'd rather be trekking off to Europe to meet a passionate, Italian artist who drinks fine wine and sweeps you off your feet. It's all normal.

When you feel that heavy thud of doubt, I want you to lean into it. If anything, it's telling you that something is off. That something doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your partner.  

Let me repeat because that piece is especially important. 

That "something" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your partner.

ne of the craziest things I've come to realize (and learn through research and working with clients) is that our stuff that comes up is mostly reflective of us and NOT the person we're with. If you're feeling doubt, don't run from it - question it. Ask yourself what you're feeling doubt about. Ask yourself if what the doubt is trying to tell you. Ask yourself what you can do for yourself that would alleviate the doubt. Some answers might be easy (e.g. "get more sleep") and others might be hard (e.g. "tell him/her I don't want another baby"). It's important to embrace the doubt. Running from it won't make it go away, nor will it make you feel better.

Trust that it's there for a reason and, yet again, that reason may have little, if anything, to do with your partner. So no, doubt doesn't mean you are doomed.

2. Assessment is NORMAL
This may very well be one of my favorite things I've ever learned (and experienced) about relationships. Your tendency to assess whether the relationship is working or not...? You know that tendency I'm talking about, right? Where you question everything (see the section above on doubt), where you wonder if your goals are still the same, where you speculate as to whether you're going to make it through the long haul if you have to pick up one more dirty sock (a slight exaggeration here) - guess what? Also normal.

Yes, you heard me right, normal.

Relationships go through phases. There's that first stage, what we like to call commitment. This is where we agree to commit to one another and thus begin our loving union. Immediately following, we have that accommodation stage. I'm sure you can guess this one - it's where negotiate being together. This can be tricky, at times, but it's par for the course. The third little gem is that assessment stage!! Once we make adjustments and go on committing, we begin to question whether it's worth it. Again, we begin to question whether the relationship is worth it. We weigh the pros and cons, so to speak. If so, we recommit (yay) and if not, we break things off (*cue sad music). 

The other fun (is fun the right word?) fact about this is that it goes on consistently (with less frequency) throughout relationships. It's not as thought you go through that cycle once and then you're done. Nope, you go through multiple times, over and over.

The point of me writing this is to say that when you're questioning compatibility and those annoying quirks that your partner has (that you used to think were super cute), trust that this is a normal process, even if it doesn't necessarily feel very good. 

3. Fighting Feels Shitty
Ahhh, the last piece. I'm just going to cut to the chase here. Fighting sucks. 

There. I said it. It's not fun, it raises blood pressure and heart rates, it's uncomfortable to feel tension, and it sucks to be butting heads with a partner (or partners, if you're poly) when all you want to do is get along.

With that said, some people like conflict. So, for you, this section might feel totally irrelevant. Huzzah, I say! Enjoy you're fighting and I hope the first two points resonated with you!

For my other friends, fighting still sucks. And here's some good news. ALL COUPLES ARGUE AND ARGUING IS NOT A SIGN OF ANYTHING WRONG.

As a caveat, there are good and bad ways to argue. Good and bad are not value judgments. What I mean by "good" is that they are not related to divorce. What I mean by "bad" is that they are highly related to divorce. In other words, good fighting is okay and bad fighting can be predictive (long-term) of divorce.

Back to my point. When you're in the throes of a heated argument and you begin to question everything about your partner - just leave it there. That questioning piece, the one asking if you're even compatible or if you were with somebody else they would just agree with you, it's highly likely more a function of being in the middle of an argument, rather than being a core issue in your relationship. I'm a highly emotional person (and totally fine with that), which means that I sometimes jump to the worst possible scenario when my husband is about three years behind me. I'll get to a place of being 70 and breaking my hip when I bend over to pick up his sock and he's just thinking about why his sock on the ground is that big of a deal. Again, exaggeration, but you get my gist. 

When we fight, for those of us who don't enjoy it, it's uncomfortable and can easily lead to questioning whether things are "right" or whether you are "compatible." No, in that moment, things aren't right because you're not feeling good about your interaction. And no, in that moment, you're not compatible because you're disagreeing! Neither of those things means that, ultimately, you're incompatible and that, ultimately, things are wrong. 

Let the fight be what it is - a fight. 

All of this to say that doubt is okay, assessing your relationship is okay, and fighting is okay (when done right). It's all good, baby. Ride the wave of discontent and follow it up with a splash of ocean breeze. Ebb and flow - that's the way it works.

Are you still not sure whether what you're experiencing is normal? No problem - contact me today (tara@thecounselinghub.com) and straight through the contact form and we can chat. 

For the rest of you who have successfully navigated this terrain - what has worked for you?! How have you succeeded through those times?! I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.

*Disclaimer: In no way am I supporting any sort of abusive, coercive, or violent situations. If you aren't sure whether you're in the situation, read more here and here and here. 

Engaging Emotionally with Your Partner

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

— M. Scott Peck

One of the most common themes I see between hetero couples (some same-gender couples, but lots of hetero) is that they are speaking two different languages.

Not literally, obviously, but they may as well be. Couples will come into session, feeling infuriated, misunderstood, and irritated with the other. She's upset because he's not listening. He's upset because she doesn't make any sense. They both are trying to say their piece, but aren't getting through to one another.

My couple sessions, especially, are Gottman style (to the extent possible - I'm not fully certified at this point, but I've done the Level 1 training and will be continuing with the other trainings to get fully certified). This means that one piece of the first session is to have couples engage in a 'conflict discussion.' I tell them that they're open to talk about any conflict in their life - they can get mad, they can stay calm, or they can sit and stare daggers at each other. I just want them to talk about something they disagree on so that I can assess the four horsemen and conflict style. Both of which are important (surprisingly, the content of an argument isn't important - it's the style and presence of the horsemen that are telling). SO - I have couples engage in conflict discussion and then, more often than not, I notice one thing. I mean, there's lots of things to notice, but this piece is usually one of the first to show up. It's when couples are firing right past each other without realizing what the other is trying to say.

For instance, she says that she doesn't like when he goes out with his family because his brother is a bad influence. She doesn't trust his brother. He responds by saying that he hasn't done anything stupid with his brother in five years and that she's living in the past. She says she knows he's right, but that she doesn't like it. He asks for an example regarding why she doesn't like it. And so on and so forth. No resolution. In this case, no hatred or vile anger - just not being on the same page.

Here's the common theme - it's emotion-focused coping versus solution-focused coping. 

Emotion-Focused 
This is about the feelings and thoughts behind an issue. It's the experience of the issue and there's no need to come to a solution. The solution is in the process, meaning that in talking about it, people feel better. This is what lots of women bring into the session (DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL WOMEN FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY - THIS IS A BROAD BRUSH STROKE). You can see this in the example above. She's trying to tell him that she's feeling nervous and uncomfortable about him going. She's heard his stories and doesn't like to think of him cavorting around as a single male. She's nervous.

Solution-Focused
If you couldn't already tell at this point, with hetero couples, this is where the men generally (not all the time) fall. And you can see it in the example above. He, on the other hand, doesn't understand why she doesn't trust his brother, why she's even talking about this, and why she won't hear him when he explains that she's mistaken. He's trying to solve each problem that she brings up by giving her responses to the content of what she's saying. 

Both parties are missing each other. 

The good news? This isn't really that big of a fix. I mean, it's habitual (probably partly genetic/biological and partly social), but it's not impossible, by any means, to change some things up and help both parties be heard even better.

Two quick things that can be done?

1. Emotion-focused coper can learn to clearly articulate the feeling of what they're going through, as well as clearly state that they don't need an answer or solution right away, they just want to talk about their feelings. 
2. Solution-focused coper can learn to refrain from offering solutions right away and, instead, allow for partner to share feelings. A step further might even be attuning to those feelings by saying things like, "Sounds like you're anxious. Tell me about it." Or, "I'm sorry you're nervous about this. I wish I knew how to help you."

Also important - after an emotion-focused coper feels heard, the cherry on the sundae is that the solution-focused coper can then share their solution! Yippee!! This can come in one of two ways - the emotion-focused coper can state or ask for a solution to their problem, or the solution-focused coper can ask, "Would you be open to a suggestion of mine? I'd love to help you out with this, but I want to make sure you're in a place you can hear it."

Both parties will be happier, feel more heard, and feel more engaged with each other, rather than feeling confused, mistreated, and upset.