You Know What To Do, But Do You DO It?

Here's the scenario. I'm in session with a couple and we start an intervention that requires stating things from a personal perspective for one person and listening and summarizing for the other (without giving their interpretation or jumping into why). Easy peasy, right?

WRONG. 

Here's another scenario. I'm doing supervision with students and I say, "Focus more on (counseling microskill) with client x" and students says, "I do that!" So we watch their recorded session and they find out what I've suspected the whole time - there's little evidence that they're doing the thing they thought they were doing (say that five times fast!).

Are you getting my point, yet? 

It's simple, really.

My point is that knowing something is absolutely not the same thing as doing it.

Theory vs. Application

If I were to tell you to go watch a breakdancing video (seriously, they're pretty amazing) and then do what they're doing on the screen, you'd probably give me a look like I'm an idiot. Rightfully so. Most people can't do the things that breakdancers can. 

Or, even better, if I were to say, "Hey, friend, go watch Bobby Fischer play a game of chess and then see if you can beat him!" Again, you'd look at me like I was an idiot. Because, at some level, you know you can't beat him by not practicing the game on your own. Realistically, the majority of the population can't beat him because, I mean, he was one of the greats. 

Why, then, if I say, "Hey, we're going to adopt a new way of communicating with each other," am I frequently met with, "I already know how to do that?" You'd be shocked at how many people think they know how to do it and then, when the time comes to actually do it, have to think really hard about how to say something, about setting aside their own agenda, and about being fully present for what their partner is saying. 

It's not a given skill to have - it's learned and gets better with practice.

I also don't know why people think it's just a natural thing they can do (some can, but most cannot), but my speculation is that it's just 'talking' and 'listening.' Allegedly, those things are 'easy' to do. 

Again, WRONG.

Knowing something is one thing. Actually being able to successfully do it? That's something else entirely.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not removed from this. I mess up all the time, in fact (just ask my husband). I say things wrong, I claim to be listening when I'm not, and I assume that I'm doing the thing I set out to do.

Doing things wrong isn't the issue. The issue is when we do it wrong, but think we're doing it right, and then make it seem like the other person is the one with the problem (because we haven't messed anything up!!). This ties back in with owning your stuff, actually. 

Practice

I'm writing this because I've been thinking about students and clients a lot lately (all the time, really), and I'm coming to find that people (myself included, at times) often think they're done when, in fact, they've just started. 

Long story short is this. 

We get better at things that a) we practice, and b) we get feedback on. The feedback piece is to actually make sure we're doing the thing we set out to do. We can't know how we're coming across unless we're recording ourselves or unless we have an outside perspective (*coughcough:: therapist::coughcough*) who's relaying back to us how we're coming across. OR giving us language that we don't have the experience to use. 

So, my point with this? You might think you're done, or that you've arrived, or that you're stellar at the thing you don't frequently practice but know all about, but you're probably not. Be open to that and embrace learning skills in a new way and with feedback (from a loving or supportive source). 

And I'm out.

Be well, my friends!

Own Your 'Stuff'

Owning Your Stuff

Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo

This isn't a fun topic for people, although I would argue it's one of the most necessary things that people should do.  Personally, I love this topic. I love seeing people self reflect in such a way that they can honestly own whatever it is that they're doing in a given situation.  I also personally love this topic because I'd rather know what my stuff is then have it metaphorically slap me in the face later on to the point that I feel completely blindsided. 

It's also worth noting that this (owning your stuff) is the antidote to defensiveness, one of the four horsemen for couples who are in conflict. 

With all of that said, it's not necessarily fun to go through the process of owning your stuff. It's just not. It's uncomfortable, it's unpleasant, it involves self reflection and some level of self-doubt, as well as developing empathy for the person who's in the situation with you (or people, plural).

But then you get to the end result,  which is really about knowing yourself in a deep way, owning your faults, your quirks, your eccentric tease, the little nuances that make you who you are, and knowing what your core values are. 

If this isn't already obvious, this also ties in with self-reflecting on your own role BIG TIME (found as one of three things to do when dealing with difficult people). 

And I think it goes without saying, but I am absolutely of the belief that taking ownership of your stuff is necessary in fundamental to personal development and growth, as well as positively impactful on your relationships. In a nutshell, it's worth it.  

So, now we can get to the how-to. Yay, the fun part! 

1.  Self-Reflection

You must engage in self reflection. (Duh, right?) This can't be done in a variety of ways. You can start to journal, start to meditate, question your motives for doing things, or ask a beloved person in your life (someone you highly trust and has your best interest at heart, ideally) some questions about how you come across.  The last of these ideas can be difficult for people to do – I highly recommend it, but only if you have a safe and trusting relationship with that person.  

2. Apologize

This one seems obvious, but it's important to say. If you self reflect and/or realize that you made a mistake, freaking own up to it and apologize for your part in it! Only your part. I know, I know, much easier said than done. I get it.

However, that does not negate the fact that it should still be done. Yes, apologizing can suck, but there comes a point where the relationship you have with a person (if it's important to you) should take precedence over a need it to be right or any other reason for not apologizing. In a sense, this is an applicable owning of the stuff.  In other words, this is where you put your money where your mouth is. If owning your stuff is important to you (it should be), then apologies can, should, and do happen.  They get easier with practice – I promise. 

3.   Be Objective

Try to be objective about the situation.  If there's a certain situation that comes to mind with this topic, then what you can do to attempt to own your stuff is try to think about the situation from an objectivepoint of view.  Here's one that can look like – you pretty much position yourself as a fly on the wall (this might be you thinking about the situation, but this can also be done during of the situation). If a fly were watching the situation unfold and had no stake in either side, what would that fly report? I highly doubt the fly would report that one person was angelic and the other was demonic. Try to be objective. 

4. Listen Until They Feel Heard

LISTEN to the other person’s point of view. This ties in with a previous post - we must  listen in such a way that our partner  feels understood.   This entails setting aside your own agenda until it’s your turn to speak.

This also applies to groups of people, but for the sake of writing, let's stick with one person. A really simple way of starting to own your stuff and recognize your role in whatever circumstances are is to actually listen to what the other person is saying. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Yourself included – I'm not ignoring that by any means. But I will say is that the easiest way to be heard is to listen. If a person feels understood and heard, they are way more likely to listen to what you have to say. 

 That's all from me for now. Until next time! And start to practice owning your stuff!  

Embrace The Boredom of Life

I am just going to come out and say it. Life can be boring, mundane, and monotonous.  There. It's out in the open. Can't take it back.

it seems that so many people strive for this "perfect" life, but don't realize that striving for something that doesn't exist without embracing this basic sort of fact (that's clearly a personal bias) that life can be boring at times leads to feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. It's not that I don't want people to strive for better or more or more content or happier, but I want people to be realistic about their strivings. If your goal is to feel elated on a daily basis, then that's an issue. If your goal is to jump out of bed every morning and scream at the top of your lungs, "I love life!!!," we can make that happen, but I don't know how real that might be for you. Real as in authentic and true. I don't know if that action would match up with the way you felt on the inside. The way you feel on the inside is the purpose of this blog. Just to clarify. 

My point is this – we strive for lightness without embracing it's counterpart. It's so cliché to even say, but we can't have light without dark, we don't have good without bad, and we don't have right without wrong. We are, dare I say, always creating contexts for ourselves. What I mean by that is that if we're given the numbers five through 10, we see five as a low and 10 as high. However, when we learn or realize that the numbers go from 1 to 100, we see five and 10 as low and anything above 75 high. The context, or the additional information, makes a huge difference. We will consistently create different groups, so to speak, based on the information that we have. 

Which means what, you're asking. It means that no matter what's going on in your life, you will feel like there's better than what you have and then strive for it. The downside of that, though, is feeling like you're missing out on something and/or striving for more, better, or the best ever. It's both, not one or the other. And the sooner we realize and embrace this fact, the more we can rest into the present situation, assuming that it's not a toxic one. 

Anxiety - Part II (Existential)

Alrighty, friends. This is a continuation of the first part in a series of posts on anxiety. Each post covers one distinct aspect of anxiety (existential, biological and genetic, evolutionary, psychological, and behavioral) and all aspects can comprise your (or anybody's) experience with anxiety. Although some might be more relevant than others. The purpose of this isn't to tell you how to 'cure' your anxiety and it's not a magic fix; the purpose is to think about anxiety in a different way. 

I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Lots of counselors that I know think of anxiety as purely a psychological problem. That is, they believe anxiety is a result of your thoughts... and that's about it. My take is that there are many more pieces to the puzzle (see the list above of all the different aspects). When we start to understand all these aspects and see how they influence and/or show up in our own lives and in our experience of anxiety, then we can start moving forward in an effective and efficient way in managing and living with our anxiety.

SO, now that I added that little caveat above, let's get back to the task at hand. Again, this is part II of writing about existential anxiety. I broke it up because the first blog was getting outta control in length. I had to shut myself up and continue the saga later on. That later on is now. Here we go.

As a recap and if you haven't read the first post (you can do so here), I wrote about how meaning and freedom can feed into existential crises and existential anxiety. Two other pieces of existential anxiety and our human condition (Yalom term) are isolation and death. In short, these are two things we, as humans, cannot avoid. In any way. And they are anxiety provoking, in and of themselves. 

Isolation

This is a funny one to think about. I mean, when we think about humans, we have some basic assumptions about them. One of those assumptions is often that we're social creatures. Research highly supports this - we don't do well when we're lonely. We suffer both mental and physical negative effects when we feel isolated and lonely (there's even research to reduce loneliness for people). And social support, on the other hand, is a protective factor against the negative effects of loneliness.

All of the above said - this isn't what we even mean when we're talking about isolation. When we talk about isolation in an existential context, we're talking about the fact that, although we can get really, really close and intimate with people, we can't ever really know what it's like to be them. And they can't ever know what it's like to be us. We can't know what exists outside of our own bodies, ever. Our whole experience in life is, quite literally, isolated to us. It's great to share moments with people, but even when we walk away and/or talk about that moment with the same person who was there, we experience it significantly differently. And when we really sit and think about that (or if it just comes over us like a runaway train), we can feel immense anxiety. Thinking that we're alone in the world, which is great and big, can be very terrifying. 

Death Anxiety

Ah, last, but definitely not least. And no, pun not intended (get it - "last?!"). Seriously, it's going to be the very last thing that ever happens to us in our earthly domain. And, unsurprisingly, it's horrifying for some people. Again, not all, although I would argue that it could be horrifying for all, depending on one's level of interaction with it. That's a different sort of post, though.

(Note the quote on the right. If you can't tell, I think Yalom is the bee's knees.) And here's the gist of death anxiety. The whole idea of dying, nothingness, ceasing to exist can be, again, extremely terrifying. And yet, it's part of being human. Everything that's alive will die. It's inevitable and still terrifying. When we, as humans, come to face death in our lives, we typically feel intense anxiety around it. This can show up in various forms - questioning what's going to happen to us, our families, our friends, whether there's an afterlife, what the purpose of living and life is, how it's going to feel when we die, if we'll be aware of it, whether or not any supernatural/transcendent being exists, and on and on and on. I'm sure I'm missing some examples.

When we're in this place, feeling that intense anxiety, we can't really do much other than to accept the fact that it's there and try to process through it with people who are willing to talk about it ("Hi there, I'm Tara!"). Facing it, over and over and over, and turning towards it rather than away from it, will save us (to steal from Yalom). When we actually face the things we're terrified of, we gain back the power. We can't change the fact that we're going to die at some point in our lives. Sometimes, it's unfair. Sometimes, it's devastating. Sometimes, it's tragic. Sometimes, it's sudden and unexpected. Sometimes, it's beautiful. But no times is it inevitable. And the anxiety comes from the fact that we don't really know what's on the other side. Yes, some of us have beliefs about what's beyond this life, but existential fears come into play when we don't know for certain.

What's Next

What's next is that we're going to continue down our path to understanding anxiety in a, hopefully, richer and more robust way. I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people who likes to understand things as much as I can and in a way that makes sense for me. That means multiple angles of one thing. Think of it like a figurative 3d picture. We're seeing anxiety from a bunch of different views and perspectives - this is why I think anxiety is fascinating.

I'll also point this out - I don't like to move forward in working with people who have anxiety until I'm sure of what piece of their anxiety they're struggling with the most. For example, some people come in to deal with death anxiety, while others come in to deal with the psychological components of anxiety. The sooner I (and my clients) understand what they're struggling with, the sooner we can do more effective work. It's beautiful. And hard. And rewarding. All of the above.

Until next time, my friends... 

What Function Does It Serve?

“What’s needed on Earth is love of the dark side of ourselves.”

— Jeremy Griffith

Y'all are going to think I'm crazy, but this is way too relevant to not share.

Okay - so most of us want to figure out what our problems are so that we can change them right away, so that we can fix them and be done with it. I mean, people come into therapy and counseling specifically for that reason. They feel some level of distress (something isn't quite working in their life) and they're not quite sure what or how to "fix it." 

Here's where I come in...

(And only if people seek out counseling or therapy and/or read this...)

1. There is no 'fixing.'
   I bristle when I hear the word "fix." It makes me think that life is a problem to be solved rather than a journey to be experienced. Like there's a right way and a wrong way, and we need to make sure that we're on the 'right' path. Blegh. And also, like we view ourselves as these constant projects that just aren't measuring up to expectations.
   
   As an important caveat, I strongly agree with growth being a continual journey and self-reflection is an important part of that, which includes assessing our strengths and areas of growth. I'm not trying to imply that we shouldn't engage in some level of reflecting on who we are or how we can grow. I am saying, however, that we don't do ourselves any favors when we nitpick every little 'flaw' that we have and try to 'fix' (i.e. demolish, destroy, terminate) them. 
    
2. We don't pay enough attention to the benefits of those behaviors we so badly want to 'fix.'
   Here's what I mean by this. When there is something in place - a behavior or thought or whatever that you want to 'fix,' please trust me in saying that it's there for a reason. Yes, I know, "no it's not!!" No, seriously, it is. It's been serving a purpose for something and that is really important. And before you argue with me again, just because something has been important in some way doesn't mean that it has to stay in your life or stay important.
   
   For example, if you've been chugging beer to feel less anxious enough so that you can fall asleep at night, let's honor the fact that beer has helped you fall asleep. Yes, there are many holes in this (i.e. beer increases anxiety long-term and actually disrupts sleep cycles), but for the sake of this example, go with it. Beer has helped you fall asleep, and that is wonderful because you don't sleep well. If we just focus on getting rid of the beer chugging and not the importance of it as a sleep aid, then we're not going to ever really understand or be able to 'fix' the problem.
   
   The problem isn't the beer drinking - that's a symptom of the problem. In this case, the problem is sleep. If that's the only time and reason you're chugging beer, then it's sleep, rather than beer. Does that make sense? And if that's the case, then we can clearly see the benefits of chugging beer. I can only speak for myself, but I hate not getting enough sleep. I'm tired, cranky, can't think clearly or straight, and don't want to show up fully. With that in mind, I can fully understand why you might be chugging beer to get some semblance of rest.
   
   If we don't understand the importance of the behavior and the benefit of it, then we're not going to be able to create lasting change. 
    
3. We also need to clearly see the costs of those behaviors we so badly want to 'fix.'
   For every behavior, there's a benefit (see point two) and there's a cost. The cost is not necessarily material, although it can be. When I say cost, I'm really talking about psychological, emotional, mental, spiritual, and/or social cost. Literally, the cost is referring to what have you given up to keep this behavior alive. 
   
   For our beer-chugging insomniac, the cost is health, friends (because they act like an a-hole after chugging three beers), anxiety (see above), and money. Here's where people typically start looking at counseling or therapy - it's when the costs add up. It's when they become a little bit larger than the benefits. If we think of a set of scales, for example, the left side is costs and the right side is benefits. Initially, when engaging in beer chugging, the benefits seriously outweighed the costs. I mean, there was no thought about it. However, for each time this happened, the costs slowly and surely began to weigh a little more. Until eventually, they weighed about the same. This is still not enough to get into cousneling or therapy. It's only when the costs start to outweigh the benefits - when those scales tip in favor of costs, then people are ready to start talking about change. Not necessarily ready to change, but definitely ready to start talking about it. 
   
   This is hard stuff. Please don't think that change is ever easy or that behaviors are intentional in some way (whether conscious, subconscious, or unconsciously so).
    
4. We shame ourselves for the behavior, hoping to get rid of it.
   This ties back in with points number one and two, but is worth spelling out clearly. It seems to go like this - we have something we don't like and want to 'fix,' and then, when we fail at eradicating that thing from our lives permanently within one week (after doing it for 15 years), we feel bad, shameful, guilty, and like we're not trying hard enough, good enough to do it, or deserve to feel bad.
   
   The irony is that when we don't succeed and we feel bad about it, then we just set ourselves up to 'fail' again. Rather than thinking of the beer chugging (for example) as something you need to get rid of right now, think of it as something that you're going to learn about, delve into, see as maladaptive coping (at this point - not initially, right?), and create new behaviors that will give you the same or similar benefits without the same cost. 
   
   It's hard to see the sequence of events when you're wrapped up in feeling shitty, but it's easy to see it from the outside (hence why therapy and counseling can be so successful). 

I think this is obvious, but I'll say it again for good measure. Honor those things you so desperately want to 'fix.' They've served you well (to this point - the point of feeling distressed by them) and have probably been protective in some way. There is nothing wrong with those things. It's only when we assign judgment to them that they become an issue for us (in terms of trying to heal and/or adopt new behaviors or coping methods). In other words, when we feel icky and shameful about the things we want to 'fix,' we're not seeing them realistically. We can dislike something, try to change and grow from it, and not feel bad, guilty, or shameful about it. I hope that makes sense - it's all of the above, not either/or.

Additionally, I'm not advocating for self-destructive behaviors and/or for people to engage in really harmful things. There are times when immediate intervention is necessary. I am saying, however, that each behavior we engage in serves some sort of purpose. The sooner we can understand that purpose and honor that behavior, the more thoroughly we can heal and adopt new behaviors that serve us well, are adaptive coping mechanisms, and are healing, rather than destructive.

Why Anxiety is Rewarding

This is going to sound like the most confusing thing ever, but just hear me out.

Anxiety is rewarding. 

There, I said it.

It's rewarding. 

Please don't misunderstand, though. Anxiety is rewarding does not equal it's healthy to get lost in 'what if' thoughts that consume your life. It also does not equal don't give your brain time off because it likes to be worked 24/7/365.

No. So let me explain.

First off, anxiety is rewarding because there's this wonderful element of feeling productive. Seriously, there's an element of, "YES! I'm fixing things!!" when we get caught up in our minds, thinking about all of the things we have to do or problems we need to solve (those waiting for us at work, at home, with kids, with friends, with family - you name it). When we have anxiety and we get lost in our heads, we have this great feeling at the same time - one of productivity, protection (because we're thinking of all the worst-case scenarios), and planning (to do list for three days in advance, consider it done - #nailedit).

There's just something about letting our brain run free with reckless abandon that feels really freaking awesome.

Until it doesn't.

I mean, we love it until we don't. Am I right? Or do bears poo in the woods? I'm just kidding. Seriously, though. When we get caught up in our heads, thinking about all of the things we'd ever need to think about (your future great grandchildren and the cars they're going to drive), we feel good about planning, and then we get sidetracked into that spiral of horrible 'what if' thoughts. 

What if their cars aren't as safe? 
What if their cars fly and then they crash into a building?
What if their cars stop flying in mid-air?
What if they fly outside of the ozone layer?!

I'm being slightly ridiculous in my examples, but the reality is that anxious thoughts can be debilitating and really, really scary. They feel real and they're often accompanied by a sick thud of dread and a pervasive sense of doom. It's not fun and games to be in the throes of anxious thoughts. It is fun to plan and feel productive, but (again) we reach this other point. The point of feeling overwhelmed, uneasy, and scared of the future.

Here's the dilemma. 

The alternative is something I recommend frequently to clients. More often than not. The alternative, however, isn't nearly as rewarding as the productive/protective/planning feeling we get from thinking a lot. The alternative is mindfulness. 

Yes, mindfulness.

And before you go thinking that it's about having an empty mind (it's not) and sitting Dalai Lama style on a pillow in 1000 degree heat (it's not that, either), please just hear me out.

Mindfulness is one of the most effective ways of alleviating anxiety. Seriously, it is. It changes your brain chemistry, increases well-being and satisfaction with life, decreases anxiety, and decreases depression. 

Why, you ask, do people choose to not engage in mindfulness, even though there's plenty of research supporting its effectiveness with specific disorders and struggles? Well, my dear, I'd like to point you to the title of this post. Because anxiety is rewarding. And mindfulness is, quite frankly, a little bit hard for people who are used to (and thrive in) go-go-go mentality. Mindfulness is about creating an atmosphere of settling, of calm, or directing attention to the present moment - not of productivity, protection, or planning. Granted, you'll feel much safer (so to speak) when you do this practice regularly, but at first, it is absolutely hard to do.

Think about it. Rather than have you sit and focus on your breathing (a really simplified version of mindfulness, but I'm trying to make a point here), anxiety would have you run circles until you fall down exhausted. Anxiety doesn't want you to sit and breathe - it wants you to think about random possibilities that then release cortisol and adrenaline in your system, which give you that 'on edge' feeling, and then it wants to worry about those feelings because clearly something is wrong.

Silly anxiety. It just doesn't get it.

Anxiety is like a little kid who doesn't realize it's tired. The parent knows that their kid is tired, but the kid doesn't know. So then the kid runs around, picks fights, cries easily, and seems generally stressed out. When that happens, we know that we're supposed to step in and help little junior take a nap. When it's us, though, we don't see it the same way. We don't see that anxiety is actually that little kid. Do you want a little kid running your life? I love little kids, but I absolutely don't want one running my life.

That's what anxiety is up to. 

And it's come time for high noon in this town. We say, "no more," I tell you. "NO. MORE."

But be prepared. Don't think that anxiety is going to go down without a fight (like that little kid - no way, no how). Here's some internal resistance you'll likely get when you start.

• You'll get fighting back (your anxious brain will kick and scream once you start a mindfulness practice).
• You'll get calm and then a relapse. The calm will feel good and then you'll think, "sweet - I'm good to go." IT'S A TRICK. That's anxiety tricking you into thinking you're good to go. KEEP UP THE PRACTICE.
• You'll get angry. "Why should I have to practice this every day (or x amount of times per week?!)" 
• You'll make exceptions. "Well, just today I'll let this slide. I'm doing fine this morning anyway." IT'S A TRICK. Again, that's anxiety just trying to trick you. Don't let anxiety trick you.
• YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. Anxiety doesn't just come from thoughts, but this is a fantastic place to start. I promise you that.

As much as I love anxiety and think it serves a purpose, too much of it is no good. You can help yourself by treating your brain to a break every day for 10 easy minutes. I promise, it makes such a difference. Not a cure-all, but a significant difference in life so that you can show up more fully with the ones you love, at work, and with friends.

Five Reasons to Put Yourself First

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

Annabelle is a working woman.  She's got a full-time job that she loves, a partner that she loves, and great friends.  She balances her time doing extra work around the office or bringing work home (trying to move up in her corporation), being with her partner through outings, dinner, or relaxing (usually with work in tow), and attending get-togethers with friends, whether planned or spontaneous.  With all intents and purposes, Annabelle should feel ecstatic.  In her own words, "I have everything I wanted to have at this point in my life..."

(wait for it...).

"...but I'm exhausted.  I don't think I can keep it up and I don't even know if I want it anymore.  I spend all my time trying to find balance with these things and I feel like I can't give enough to any of them.  I'm at a loss, spread too thin, and I feel like a failure."

Annabelle is freaking tired.  The time that she does have, she feels guilty when it's not spent doing something for somebody, whether work, partner, or with friends.  When she doesn't have anything planned, she fills that space quickly with tasks and to-do lists (I know you have one, also!!), and she doesn't even want to spend her time off relaxing because it feels like a waste.

Let me let you in on a under-valued, little-known (but highly valuable) secret.

You need to take time for yourself.  

I'm even going to say it again, for good measure, because I know some of you are thinking, "Yeah, but, I don't have time!  I'm already busy enough! Even Annabelle doesn't have time for herself and she's your example!"  

You need to take time for yourself.  

I'm not going to get into "how" to make that happen here - that would require a post that's, like, 10 pages long, plus addendum throughout time because so many people have unique situations.

I can assure you, after many, many clients, that you absolutely can make time for you.  It's always possible and, sometimes, it requires some outside the box thinking. 

What I will get into is why it's important you take time for yourself and what you will see change for you.

1. It enhances your relationships.
Yes, you heard me right.  When you take time for yourself in some capacity, you will actually be more pleasant to your partner.  Additionally, you will be able to see more good from the other person.  Rather than looking to your partner for fulfillment, you'll have it yourself.  Having your own fulfillment means that you can outpour it to others and that you'll see more good in others, rather than bad.

2. It helps you feel better about yourself.
This is just the simplest way to say it.  When you give time to yourself, you're telling yourself, "I am of value.  I am worthy.  I deserve to relax.  I deserve to be nice to myself."  By adopting that attitude, you're going to start to exude it.  It will, quite literally, seep out of your pores.  Be that person - the one who consistently has a twinkle in their eye.

3. It's a good model for your kids (if you have them) and/or those closest to you.
I mean, this is pretty much only relevant for those who have kids or those who are planning on it someday.  In short, kids learn through modeling - NOT through conversation.  'Monkey see, monkey do.'  Why yes, yes, that's exactly right.  'Do as I say and not as I do?  Nope, not going to happen.'

What message do you want to send to you children?  One that says "hey, you, exhaust yourself and don't value yourself enough to care for yourself."  OR, "Hey, you, it's about time you took some time for yourself!"  The latter - absolutely, through and through, I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, the latter.  

If you take care of you, your children will learn to do the same.

4. It's a sign that you value yourself.
I mean, this really ties back in with point number two, but I'm okay with that.  When we value ourselves, we give ourselves what we need.  We don't shut down our needs for the sake of others, because we know that when we do that, we're exhausted, cranky, bitter, and resentful.  

We know that when we put ourselves first, we can actually be of more service to others.  (tweet this).

Now that's a crazy notion.

5. It's a way to stay full (internally and metaphorically) so that you have more to give.
Lastly, and this ties in with point number four, but when you give to yourself in such a way that you feel full on the inside?  Well, at that point, your fulfilled (metaphorical)  insides lovingly spill over onto those who are closest to you!!  And then, those good experiences fuel even more good experiences. It's a good experience choo-choo train!!  #allaboard!!

Have you ever left a resort, spa, good friend's house, mani/pedi salon, therapist's office (the list goes on and on) and felt really, really fulfilled on the inside?  Think about that moment, and then think about how you interacted with those people in your life - the ones you passed on the street, your family, strangers, and even animals.  I would hazard a guess that it was in a distinct way from your normal interaction.

I'm not promising that engaging in self-care is going to transform you into Princess Aurora or Cinder-freaking-rella, but I am promising you that engaging in self-care is going to get you feeling good on a more consistent basis.  

As per usual, I love your thoughts and am looking forward to your comments.  What act of self-care are you willing to engage in right now? Reach out through the contact form or email (tara@thecounselinghub) is self-care is something you want to work on in counseling.