What If I Don't Want To Move On?

What if I don't want to move on?

Throughout life, we constantly hit points where we have such great opportunities.

- We graduate high school and decide where we want to go to college.

-We decide if we want a community college close to home or a University a couple states over.

-We find ourselves 2 years in and decide that we’ve chosen the wrong major, only to realize that our ideal major is completely available.

-We graduate and decide whether we would like to start the job search or begin to search for further education.

I can keep going but the point has been made. Is this exciting or does it cause some level of anxiety?

The Dream

For some, this is the dream. This is the path to the “American Dream”. However, what happens when things happen too fast? What happens when we’d prefer to stay where we are, while knowing that this decision is not beneficial or maybe in our best interest? This comfort that we find in our current situation is normal. This reminds me of all of the times I’ve looked back on my past situations and realized that I would give anything to go back and just sit in that space for a little longer. Am I wrong for having this desire? We’re allowed to revisit times in our lives that were enjoyable.

 Many individuals find themselves in situations where they feel they are being pushed from different directions. They, or we, feel that decisions must be made promptly and that we are running out of time. This pressure may be applied from parents who believe that any education is better than no education at all, which can have many people spending a lot of money on a degree that doesn’t elicit some sort of joy from the individual holding the degree. This same thought can be applied to other major transitions in life. I hear so many stories of people in relationships that are convenient. While convenient is easy, is there a part of us that could possibly become bored or feeling that we rushed into it because ? Is this a relationship, or career field, that will become stagnant due the low drive to continue to work on it? This is a challenge that presents itself to many people just like you and me. We begin to chase these goals only to realize that we may have made a wrong decision. Upon this realization, regret can sink in.

 Stories, or realizations, similar to the one above can cause many people to hesitate and wonder if they have achieved their best life in their current situation. This feeling of pressure from others to achieve more or commit to a relationship fully can sour an outlook on the situation and cause more of a disinterest in this big change. What if we are able to step back and ponder our options? Are we allowed time to figure things out? I believe that some very rash decisions can be made if they are made before we are ready. We should be able to take time to focus on ourselves without constant questions like “what do you plan on doing with your life?” or “don’t you think it’s about time you stop messing around?”.

Wait. Let’s pause.

Let’s just take a minute to stop and figure out what our priorities are. This doesn’t need to be a job. It can be an enjoyable experience. Figure out what you enjoy and how your ideal future looks and determine what is truly attainable. Figure out what makes you feel challenged but increases your self-esteem. Brainstorm with friends, not only for the second point of view, but also for the realization that you are not alone in this stuck feeling. Our priorities will give us a glimpse into what we can work towards with a higher success rate. The last thing I will finish in a list of things to do is the thing I don’t want to do. This can mean education, professional development, or relationship advancement.

This Isn’t Just Work and School

I’ve spent a lot of time speaking about education and the struggles to find and work toward goals that help us to find a more comfortable and productive place to be. What about those times that many of us experience following a break up? We become fixated on the parts of the relationship that were so great and completely ignore the parts that really caused us distress. This can also be reversed. We can fixate on the parts of the relationship that were unhealthy while we are in a relationship and refuse to take action to change it. This presents a similar feeling stagnation. We are stuck. We focus on one thing and gnaw on it until there is nothing but negative emotions tied to the relationship. Why must we do this?

If you are like most of us, then a failed relationship is an almost unavoidable part of life. What will it take to move past it? I think that using past experiences as tools to work on the present and future is the best route to take. We don’t have to sit with those emotions for long. It’s normal to be upset that things didn’t work out the way that we had hoped. However, it’s not helpful to let this consume us. We can learn what we are searching for in others and learn how to better navigate situations that we have struggled with in the past.  

This unwillingness to move on from relationships, or even within relationships, is also a very normal situation. We don’t have to move on quickly. We can take time. We are allowed to process through the struggles we have on our own time. It’s important to remember that success is not impossible, no matter what your past experiences have taught you. Sit with the stuck and reflect. Reflect on good times to learn why you enjoyed certain experiences. Reflect on bad times to understand which parts moved you in a negative way. Reframe these experiences in order to help yourself advance. This is a very helpful process that happens in therapy. It can helpful to an individual that has the patience and confidence in themselves to not let it consume them completely. We may handle certain situations poorly, but that does not need to be set in stone. We are adaptable creatures that possess the ability to experience pain and pleasure, along with the ability to search for reasons why. We can take time to feel. We can take time to experience the feelings in the moment and express ourselves in a healthy manner. Following this, we can search for reasoning. We can decide what needs to change and decide if the failure of the relationship is truly the most bothersome part of this story. Many times, the most bothersome part of the ending of a relationship is the perceived loss of time that we have experienced. However, is it really lost time? Was the time we spent in this relationship completely useless? In most cases, the relationship and time it consumed was not useless. It was a way to learn of more filters that we can apply to our next search.

Filtering It All

This filtering of qualities idea that I ended the last paragraph with made me realize that this is a very good way to view “moving on”. We learn in our failure and learn in our state of discontent. We pull many things away from these experiences that can help us to view the experiences in a more positive light. From experience, I’ve learned that people enjoy feeling heard. I remember relationships when I was a teenager that I took for granted. I remember hearing what I wanted to hear and acting on what others told me. Sometimes we don’t want to inspire action. We just want to be heard. Also, I’ve learned that immersing yourself in something you find interesting can be so much work. However, this work leads to goals that you can truly celebrate.

Finding yourself stuck in school, work, relationships, and countless other situations doesn’t mean that you have been defeated. What if it is just a way to enlighten us of the importance of that place we’re stuck in? We find ourselves searching and searching in our “stuck” place. We lose the motivation to leave this space until we realize that there may be little to gain from where we are. We can then come to the realization that we need to lift our head up and try to get a better view of the road ahead of us. This road may come with challenges, but at least we’ve spent some time doing some self-exploratory work that may provide us with helpful tools moving forward. It doesn’t need to be this scary experience filled with danger. What’s the worst that could happen? You could get stuck? Thankfully for you, that is not a strange place to be and there may be some knowledge to gain in that space. Spend a little time there and understand that there is happiness for everyone somewhere.

It takes work to find happiness and that work came be done in many places. Take the time to come to an understanding of where you would like to see yourself. Open yourself to new experiences and search for ways to better comprehend the meaning of this sense of “stuck”. Gather your priorities and that experience you view as enjoyable and prepare for your next first step forward. Gain as much as you can from the “stuck” because, thankfully, it’s not forever.

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TIM FITZPATRICK, PLPC

INDIVIDUAL COUNSELOR

Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.

Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.

My Friend is Driving Me Crazy - What Do I Do?!

We focus on relationships at The Counseling Hub, but when we talk about relationships, we’re not specifically talking about romantic relationships or intimate partnerships. The term relationship implies relationships of any kind. And, much like with partnerships, relationships contain their own set of problems.

Here are three things you can do if you have a friendship with somebody who is currently driving you crazy (colloquially speaking). 

1. Tell the friend. 
   This might seem crazy (it’s not), but you could just talk directly with your friend. Of course, this is very much dependent on the situation and your relationship, but it’s completely doable. If you say it in the right way, then it’s feasible that your friend says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve had so much on my own plate that I can’t even think outside of myself.” Okay, so that response is doubtful, but you know you did what you could, in terms of saying things in a nice way (i.e. focus on your feelings and experience, not on shaming, blaming, or criticizing your friend). 
    
2. Let it ride. 
   This might sound silly, but sometimes people get in funks. You’ve been there, I’ve been there, they’ve been there - we’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s really more about letting things go than addressing them. The hard part is figuring out which is which, but be mindful of what’s going on in your friend’s life. If they just lost their job, are going through a divorce, and have a three year old, then it’s probably life stuff. If nothing has changed and they’re seemingly suddenly rude to you, then it might be something else. With all that said, life stuff doesn’t give people permission to be dicks (or abusive), but it does give us more context
    
3. Be angry. 
   Here’s another funny sounding option. Just be angry about it!! I’m not saying be angry, build resentment, blow up on your friend, and expect everything to be better. What I am saying is that you can be angry or upset when people treat you poorly. There’s a difference between allowing yourself to be treated poorly and giving distance but feeling angry. Angry doesn’t equal you have to say anything or bring it up. Angry usually signifies a perceived injustice or unfair situation, and that’s perfectly healthy.

Long story short is that there are a multitude of ways that you can address this and only three of those ways is listed above. And the reason you decide to choose one or another way should be based on your relationship with that person, your level of hurt, the situation/context, and anything else I’m not listing here (although I’m sure there are plenty of other factors).  

It’s also worth noting that I’m hardcore speaking in generalities. Having a specific situation, one where I could ask some questions to get clear, would be more useful here. With that said, this is just a general guideline - it’s definitely not the be all end all of addressing things with a friend. Think of it as a start. 

8 Reasons Counseling is Not the Same as Friendship

This is a comment and question we get frequently. "Isn't counseling just like having a friend?"

No, no, no, no, and nope (for good measure).

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. Probably because I hear people say things like, “I’m good at telling people what to do. I’m basically a counselor,” or, “My friends always ask my advice. I pretty much do counseling.”  As a counselor educator (one who trains future counselors) and counselor in private practice, I need to clarify why this is inaccurate.

*Just because it's not a friendship doesn't mean there aren't high levels of care and comraderie in the counseling office. We very much care for our clients and sometimes wish we could be friends outside of sessions! But we can't!!

In short, counseling and friendship are not the same thing. Also, as a side note, I could go on and on and on about this, so I’ll keep the rationales brief. :)

Your Friend is Not Your Counselor

1. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not.
   Long and short of this is that your counselor isn’t going to cry on your shoulder about the problems they’re going through (like divorce, death, confusion about career, depression, loneliness, etc.). That’s because it’s our job (and we LOVE IT) to put our clients first. While you might know what goes on in your counselor’s life, you’re paying for time to work through and process your own issues. We respect that and it should be your time completely. Not to mention there are ethical issues against counselors disclosing too much to clients. That’s boring to talk about, though (even if important for counselors to know).
   

2. Counseing is confidential.
   This is such a serious thing for a counselor. Basically, we’re not allowed to talk about you or the details of your problem with anybody. There are some exceptions and stipulations (like consultation or reporting child abuse, among others), but long and short of it is that we’re not going to your other friends to ask the what they think about the things you’ve told us!
   

3. Counselors are as objective as possible.
   The beauty in counselors is that we don’t feel obligated or compelled to withhold information or thoughts or feedback on the basis of it might hurt your feelings. Obviously (I hope obviously, anyway), we’re not setting out to say horrible things and hurt your feelings intentionally. My point is that we’re compelled to point out hard truths, or at least ask questions about hard truths that your friends might not feel comfortable asking.
   

4. Counselors don’t “give advice.”
   Look, if you’re looking for an answer, then you’re coming to the wrong place. If you want to know, “Should I do x or y?!” from your counselor, you’re screwed. Your counselor should not tell you what to do. What we do, instead, is help you to figure out what decision makes the most sense for you, in your life, with your relationships and feelings and experiences. Barring certain situations (domestic violence, for example), how on earth would your counselor know what’s best for you? In short, your friends might tell you exactly what they think you should do. Your counselor should not.
   

5. Counselors are trained to listen to what you’re not saying.
   This sounds silly, but it’s true. We’re trained to listen to what’s not being said. Friends don’t really do that. They tend to listen to what’s being said and directly respond to it. For example, if Susie wants to leave her husband, Frank, and she tells her friend, her friend might say, “Whatever makes you happy, Susie. You haven’t seemed happy lately!” And that’s a supportive friend - we get it. But if Susie says that to her counselor, her counselor is going to ask a shit-ton of questions about a variety of factors that might be influencing her decision, as well as underlying feelings and the meaning of such decisions (again, thinks that aren’t necessarily said out loud without prompting).
   

6. Counselors don’t take it personal when you do what you want (as you should).
   Counselors know that what you decide to do is your responsibility, as well as your life!! We don’t take it personal when a client does whatever they want to do with their life, even if the client makes the same mistake they’ve made in their past three relationships and has been working on said issue for past four months. It’s not that we don’t care - we do. We care way too much sometimes. It’s just that we know people are people and each person (read: client) has their life to live. Mistakes are part of that and not personal attacks on us. Friends might not take it the same way.
   

7. You won’t hold back (as much) information from your counselor.
   I don’t know about you, but I’m ridiculously more forthcoming about things with my counselor than I am with my friends. Again, time-limited and intense discussion is expected. That said, I dive right in. That’s not the case with all friendships, but that’s totally expected with a counselor, and that expectation can make a world of difference.
   

8. Your friend thinks they want to know everything, but they probably don’t.
   This sounds weird, but it’s true. Some things, we just don’t want to know about our friends. You might not want to know that Susie is questioning leaving Frank. You might not want to know that Tori is struggling with sexual identity. You might not want to know that Dale was sexually abused as a child. Some information forever changes our perception of a person, and some people feel forever seen in a different light (and hate it). It’s worth noting that as lovely and warm as your friends probably are, not everybody wants to know everything (possibly).
   

That’s all. Phew. Long list with lots of typing. I probably could expand on each of these, but that’s surely enough for now. Questions? Reach out! Want to schedule? Contact us here! 

6 Myths About Counseling Every Client Needs to Know

Myths of Counseling

Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo

No long intro here - just keep in mind that any of the following may (or may not) fit with you. These are common, even if the first one is kind of silly, but still important!

1. Your counselor can read your mind.
   Ha! I wish. Seriously, can you imagine a counselor with telepathy? Best. Counselor. EVER. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but it’s just not true. Counselors can’t read your mind. This is probably why you might think that, though
   
   We’re trained on people and how they engage in peopling in the world. We’re trained to not only listen to the words you’re saying, but also how you’re saying them (i.e. inflection, tone, pacing, pauses), as well as your facial expressions and your body language. I remember reading a statistic somewhere that said communication is 70% nonverbal. SEVENTY PERCENT. That’s a crazy high number, and we make good use of it.
   
   No telepathy, though. ;)
   

2. Once you fully understand the problem, then you’re done with counseling. I mean, yes and no. Yes, having a full understanding of the issue or problem you’re coming in with is important. And no, having a full understanding of the issue or problem is not enough to stop doing the work. The reality is that understanding is the easy part. It’s easy to “know” what you’re supposed to do. Just because you know what to do, do you do it? Exactly.
   
   What most people don’t know or realize, however, is that the actual process of change is where the difficulties really lie. It’s hard to make changes in life. When we understand our problem, that’s the starting point. It’s not that we want to see you forever, but it is that we want you to actually make changes related to your problem before calling it quits with us because that’s where the work really is.
   

3. Personal development has a finish line.
   Most people think that they’re going to be pristine at the end of counseling and that they’re never going to deal with their problem again - they’ve got it totally figured out, have made changes, have been practicing their new way of being in the world, and accept (for lack of a better word) perfection.
   
   WRONG.
   
   I love y’all, but that’s so wrong. Our growth is perpetual. The point of counseling is to unblock a jam that’s impeding growth, it’s not to rush you to your finish line. And, technically, the ultimate finish line is death. Until that point, our bodies and minds are constantly evolving and changing. It’s seriously amazing how humans operate.
   

4. Counseling is the same thing as friendship.
   You know, this is one I really understand, but still need to put on here. Counseling and friendship are absolutely not the same thing. The counselor-client relationship can be such an intimate experience. Imagine being able to bare your soul with another person who not only makes space for it, but encourages it and is actually interested in hearing and listening. As in, really listening. It’s unprecedented for many people who come in the door. It’s also welcome.
   
   Here’s the difference, though. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not. You’re not going to have a counselor who relies on you to talk about and listen to their problems (yes, counselors are human and have their own issues - it’s a human thing, not a you thing). Counselors are also trained in how to say things at the right time, rather than just dole out advice. I love my friends, but if I want objective advice from somebody without their own agenda, then I’m probably going to my counselor.
   

5. Counseling is a sign of weakness.
   Ugh, this one grinds my gears. I’ll leave you with this (rhetorical) question. If it takes work and is difficult to be honest and feel unpleasant (and pleasant, for some people) feelings and to talk about things that are eatin away at you on the inside, then why is counseling a sign of weakness? If I told you to squat 1000 pounds or run 15 miles and you hadn’t trained at all, would you say that was a sign of weakness? NO. You’d practice and then you’d do it. For whatever reason, we think that talking about something that’s difficult means that it shouldn’t be talked about. WHAT. WHY?! It means that it should be practiced (i.e. talked about) and that muscle grown.
   

6. Counselors are humorless.
   Uuumm, I really, really hope that my clients don’t think this. Sure, one sense of humor doesn’t jive with everybody, but the counseling relationship isn’t one where there’s never any laughing or joking, where there aren't any niceties or catching up on random television shows - it’s a human relationship, not strictly a business relationship. It’s one where people can show up fully and if connection with others includes laughing, then that’s included in counseling, too. Counseling is all about connecting.

My favorite part about this list is that you can bring it up with your counselor and talk (or laugh) about it!

That's the beauty of a therapeutic relationship. There's nothing  that has to be left unsaid. The space you and your counselor co-create in sessions should be one of warmth, empathy, understanding, and safety. And all of those things would imply that you could talk about things that you might not feel comfortable talking about outside of sessions. Regardless of whether you do this or not, it's nice to know it's a possibility.

That’s all for today. We love myths and love to write about how, as the name implies, they’re not truths.  Happy counseling, everybody!

Email us right now to get your questions answered or your session scheduled!