Own Your 'Stuff'
This isn't a fun topic for people, although I would argue it's one of the most necessary things that people should do. Personally, I love this topic. I love seeing people self reflect in such a way that they can honestly own whatever it is that they're doing in a given situation. I also personally love this topic – I'd rather know what my stuff is then have it metaphorically slap me in the face later on to the point that I feel completely blindsided.
Conflict Avoidance by Listening (Easy as Pie)
You know the song and dance...
Partner one says, "I'm upset about this thing that happened." Partner two says, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Partner one says, "You did xyz!" Partner two says, "That's only because you did abc!" And then the two careen into a fight that has no real beginning and no real end.
Both partners feel justified. Both partners feel vilified. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated.
IT SUCKS.
Three Themes in Couples Therapy
When I do couples therapy, there are three big themes that I’m consistently keeping in mind. Not only do these help with the direction of where therapy needs to go, but they also give us the framework for looking at what is going right within the relationship.
I Feel Better... I'm CURED!
This is a common mistake for people coming in for therapy. Namely, that they feel "better" and thus believe their work in therapy is done.
HEAR ME OUT!! I realize that sounds really silly, but keep reading to fully understand what I mean.
Stress-Busting Tips for a Holiday Host (Guest Blog)
Planning a party is, for the most part, a blast. There’s a certain thrill you get when picking out special decorations, food, and activities for your friends and loved ones’ enjoyment. However, the stress of the holidays can take all the fun out of hosting an event. It can feel like there are too many things to do, without enough time to do any of them. If you want to reclaim the joy of hosting a party while tackling the responsibilities that come with the holidays, try these stress-busting tips (and find additional tips here).
Why Friendship Matters in a Long-Term Relationship
I think this is going to be a really obvious blog for people who are reading, but I've been surprised before, so it's worth it to share.
When I work with couples, I tell them that the work they do is broken down into three large themes (too much detail to get into, seriously), all of which are based around the Gottman's work. We spend time on conflict (duh - that's what most people come in for), existential issues (i.e. life roles, dreams, meaning), and friendship.
Yes, friendship.
Seems really simple, right? "Just be friends with your partner!" is what they tell you, "Laugh together!" is what they say. But when you're in the throes of conflict, or when you can't even look at your partner without feeling resentment or rage or exhausting frustration or defeat, then laughing together seems like the absolute furthest thing from what you're capable of.
And, to be honest, that's not the type of thing I would tell you
Four Signs It's Time To Leave
Generally speaking, I'm an advocate for relationships. I spend most of my time helping people work out their issues, dispel myths around love and relationships, and create new patterns within their relationship. I love what I do.
There have been a handful of times in my career that I've not advocated for the continuation of a relationship, and they all have very similar things in common. So, before I go further, please keep in mind that:
a) I love relationships and am pro-relationship when I work with the vast majority of couples,
b) I don't typically spend time telling people 'signs to leave,' but there are some pretty important things to consider.
Here goes.
Give Your Brain a Break
Think about the very first thing you do in the morning. If you're like the vast majority of people (let's stick with in the United States), then you probably reach to your nightstand and check your phone. I'm assuming you check for social media updates, personal and work email, and maybe the news. Am I guessing right?