Signs You Could Benefit from Counseling

if you’ve been thinking about individual counseling or marriage counseling, but aren’t really sure if you need it, then this is the post for you. And I’m in the mood for short and sweet, so here we go!

1.  You've been thinking about counseling on and off for longer than six months. I say this with love and affection, but do it already!! Sometimes, we can figure life out on our own (enough that we don’t feel completely off), but sometimes we need to sit and talk with an objective  listener. If you’ve been grappling with something and thinking about counseling for longer than six months, it’s probably time to get in the door. 
    
2. You've tried to “fix” the problem every way you know how and it’s not working . This ties in with the objective listener piece. You've talked to friends, your pastor, your family, strangers, Reddit feeds, and everybody else you can think of. You still can't seem to figure out how to process through/work through/"fix" the problem you're having.
    
3. You keep distracting yourself from feeling unhappy. After you've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it, you've decided to stay, "screw it" and have just started spending time trying to avoid thinking about it. It's worked for a little while, but isn't a long-term solution.

And there you have it, folks. There are just a handful of reasons that it might be time to get off your couch at home and on the couch in our comfy office! Start the process by contacting us here!

As a little fun factoid, it's interesting to note that it takes couples (not sure about individuals) an average of six years (SIX YEEEEEEARS) to get into the door from the time they start thinking/talking about getting into counseling. That's six years of time that we can't get back, as well as six years we could be getting out of poor communication habits and into ones that contribute to relationship health and longevity. Super interesting, isn't it?!

Let's Talk Transitions

Life is characterized by transitions. They're unavoidable. They're uncomfortable. And they feel completely unique and isolating when they happen, but there's actually some order to the chaos.

First off, let's not confuse transition with change. A change is a decision. There's the making of the change, and then there's the process of going through said change. When we decide to make a change in our life (i.e. graduating, partnering or separating) or when life forces a change upon us (i.e. being fired, death), we're thrust into a transition state.

Second, It seems like we think making the change is the hardest part, but it's not. The hardest part is going through the transition of said change.

Transitions are characterized by feeling confused, disconnected, uncomfortable, full of doubt, and eventual acceptance. And no, I'm not talking about a grief process. That's different. We expect them to be magical and great. In many ways, they are, but not until they're uncomfortable and hard.

When we make a change or decide on making a change, we might feel really good. We're pumped, excited, and ready to take on the world (this might not be the same for when life thrusts a change upon us). We can't wait for the change to take place.

And then it does.

And then we're left questioning whether we made the right decision. We wonder if it was really that bad before we made the change. We look back and think, "I don't really want to be back in that position, but I'm not happy and I thought I would be happy! Did I make the wrong choice?!" It's confusing, to say the least.

It's also normal.

Normal doesn't mean that it's easy to experience alone.

We focus on transitions in life and help people make sense of what they're going through and how to navigate the uncharted waters. With the skilled clinicians, we're able to assist people in making meaning of their circumstances.

If you're in the state of transition right now or have a big change coming up, then reach out to make sure that you're setting yourself up for the smoothest transition possible - one where you're walking forward with your eyes wide open, ready to face the discomfort in order to get to the new phase of your life.

What's Wrong With Me?! Five Question to Ask Yourself...

Have you ever had a day (or two or 10 or even more) where you ask yourself, "What is wrong with me?!" Where you feel like you're in a funk and that nothing is really satisfying in life?

Not Depression, Though...

This isn't a blog post about depression, as a caveat, although the questions to ask yourself could also help alleviate some depressive symptoms! And please note that we taken depression and its impact very seriously. We know the havoc it can wreak and that so many people deal with it. This isn't a blog post about depression.

This is a blog post about those days or times where you feel way off from your normal self. Maybe you're slightly more irritable, or maybe you're just less satisfied overall, or maybe you find yourself wishing it was 8 pm so you could have that beer, or maybe you start to question all of your life choices that ever got you to this place you're in (not least of which includes work, relationship, kids, and location).

Ultimately, you just feel off.

What I want you to do when/if you get in that place is to ask yourself these five questions. They're simple, really, but that doesn't mean they don't have a ridiculously impact on our mental health and overall well-being.

Okay, here goes. (That's me mentally prepping.)

The Five Questions

1. What have I eaten or have I eaten lately?
   You know that old saying, "you are what you eat." Well, truth be told, the more we learn about the microbiome (i.e. our gut), the more we realize that there is way too much truth to this statement. We're not asking you to go on a diet (there's a whole different post coming about that word and its implications); we're simply asking you to notice what you eat and how you feel afterwards.
   
   Here's a random example. I was at an outdoor market and had some delicious fudge. From someone who doesn't eat a lot of straight sugar (basically - the first ingredient was sugar, followed closely by marshmallow), I was exhausted right after eating it.
   

2. How much sleep have I been getting?
   This is another obvious one, but it's worth putting it out there. I'm stopping myself from going on a tirade about how lack of sleep is, literally, critical to your physical and mental health. I mean that with SO MUCH SERIOUSNESS.
   
   This post is getting long enough and I don't want to add three paragraphs just for one question. In the spirit of keeping things brief, just ask yourself how much sleep you've gotten, as well as how much is an optimal amount for you. Then pay attention to how you function with that optimal level versus when it's lacking.
   

3. Have I spent any time outdoors lately?
   Oh, I hear you already with the excuses - "it's too cold" or, "it's too hot" or, "it's too sunny" or, "it's too rainy" or something else entirely.
   
   Tell yourself enough!!
   
   Tomorrow (or right after you read this, if it's not nighttime) - go outside and walk. Leave your phone inside (you don't need it for those five minutes). Look at the world around you and stare in awe at how magnificent it really is. If you can get somewhere green, that's even better. Tell me you don't feel more peaceful afterwards. And humble (the world is big and we're just part of the puzzle).
   

4. Have I connected (really connected) with friends lately?
   I'm not talking about via social media. I'm talking about sitting down with a good friend and having a deep conversation where you lose yourself in the experience and completely forget the world exists around you. Where you laugh and connect, or where you cry and grieve, or where you bemoan the state of the world and question how it even got this way. Real conversations.
   

5. Have I given back lately?
   Altruism is underrated. If you can, give back in some way today. I don't mean financially (unless you have that to give and you want to - that's entirely up to you). What I mean is giving your time or help to others.
   
   You could stop and help somebody carry their groceries, or you could pick up some trash on the side of the road, or you could hold up a sign at a busy intersection that says "you're beautiful and I love you for being you," or you could even offer a hug to a stranger (super rare, but it's a possibility). The purpose of this one is to get out of your head and into an empathic state.
   
   I'll tell you a secret about being a counselor. One of the best things is that no matter what kind of day I'm having when I come into the office, the moment I sit down and see a client (or clients), my world shrinks away into nothingness and I'm knee-deep in someone else's experience. My point in saying this is that when we give back, the experience is the same. For that moment in time, we're not thinking about ourselves; we're thinking about others. And that can be enough to shift us out of our problems and thoughts and into the world in front of us.

That's all, folks. Thanks for getting through the rambles above. Even though I sometimes write with what could be perceived as a "flip" tone, my message is for real. These questions can (and often do) impact our mental health. They're good to keep in mind when things are starting to feel a little funky in life.

"That'll do, pig." (<-Please, somebody tell me they know what this is from.)

Existential Drift...

I don't even know if the title is a term or not, but it makes sense in my head.

Here's what I meant by existential drift - it's that moment in time when you're thinking about the meaning of life, or why you're here, or what's your purpose, or what's it all mean, and then you shift from curiosity and awe into despair, angst, and terror. It's that reeeeally slow shift; that gradual slope that you don't catch until you're speeding down the slide into the deep, dark recesses of your existentially-terrified mind.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then kudos to you, my friend. For those who do know what I'm talking about, welcome to the club!

Benefits of Existential Drift

While this might sound asinine, there are wonderful implications about this experience and process.

1. It means you like to question things and don't accept what 'is' without serious inquiry. This is awesome! Except it can lead to despair if you let it snowball out of control.
2. It means that when you reach a point of feeling grounded, you can feel certain that it's the sort of ground that isn't going to crumble with a hard jump. In essence, you've laid a more solid foundation for yourself than you'd ever get from somebody else.
3. When you meet another angsty soul in this journey of life, you really get each other. On a meaningful level, you connect. It's like you know that you've each walked through the fiery pits of your own personal hells, and you relate.

All of that said, there are also cons. I think you can guess what they are, though.

Downsides of Existential Drift

1. When you're in the midst of it, you feel like a lunatic. Seriously, you doubt everything, you feel untethered from reality, unsure of which direction to go or how to even decide, and disconnected from everything and everyone.
2. Taking point one into consideration - it can lead into depression if not processed and sorted out properly. And by 'properly,' we don't mean in a cookie cutter way, we just mean in a way that helps you get to solid footing.
3. It sucks to experience.

That's really all there is to it. Well, technically, no, there's way more, but that's enough for an intro blog post.

Ride the Metaphorical Existential Wave

I also have to throw out there that if you're going through this or have gone through it, you're absolutely not alone. I mean, technically, you are, because that's one of the existential and universal human experiences, but you're not in that others before you and others after you will go through this very thing. It's part of being human (one of the crappy parts). It can also lead to a much richer life. Hold onto that while you ride the wave, my friend.

Be well and rock on.

You Know What To Do, But Do You DO It?

Here's the scenario. I'm in session with a couple and we start an intervention that requires stating things from a personal perspective for one person and listening and summarizing for the other (without giving their interpretation or jumping into why). Easy peasy, right?

WRONG. 

Here's another scenario. I'm doing supervision with students and I say, "Focus more on (counseling microskill) with client x" and students says, "I do that!" So we watch their recorded session and they find out what I've suspected the whole time - there's little evidence that they're doing the thing they thought they were doing (say that five times fast!).

Are you getting my point, yet? 

It's simple, really.

My point is that knowing something is absolutely not the same thing as doing it.

Theory vs. Application

If I were to tell you to go watch a breakdancing video (seriously, they're pretty amazing) and then do what they're doing on the screen, you'd probably give me a look like I'm an idiot. Rightfully so. Most people can't do the things that breakdancers can. 

Or, even better, if I were to say, "Hey, friend, go watch Bobby Fischer play a game of chess and then see if you can beat him!" Again, you'd look at me like I was an idiot. Because, at some level, you know you can't beat him by not practicing the game on your own. Realistically, the majority of the population can't beat him because, I mean, he was one of the greats. 

Why, then, if I say, "Hey, we're going to adopt a new way of communicating with each other," am I frequently met with, "I already know how to do that?" You'd be shocked at how many people think they know how to do it and then, when the time comes to actually do it, have to think really hard about how to say something, about setting aside their own agenda, and about being fully present for what their partner is saying. 

It's not a given skill to have - it's learned and gets better with practice.

I also don't know why people think it's just a natural thing they can do (some can, but most cannot), but my speculation is that it's just 'talking' and 'listening.' Allegedly, those things are 'easy' to do. 

Again, WRONG.

Knowing something is one thing. Actually being able to successfully do it? That's something else entirely.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not removed from this. I mess up all the time, in fact (just ask my husband). I say things wrong, I claim to be listening when I'm not, and I assume that I'm doing the thing I set out to do.

Doing things wrong isn't the issue. The issue is when we do it wrong, but think we're doing it right, and then make it seem like the other person is the one with the problem (because we haven't messed anything up!!). This ties back in with owning your stuff, actually. 

Practice

I'm writing this because I've been thinking about students and clients a lot lately (all the time, really), and I'm coming to find that people (myself included, at times) often think they're done when, in fact, they've just started. 

Long story short is this. 

We get better at things that a) we practice, and b) we get feedback on. The feedback piece is to actually make sure we're doing the thing we set out to do. We can't know how we're coming across unless we're recording ourselves or unless we have an outside perspective (*coughcough:: therapist::coughcough*) who's relaying back to us how we're coming across. OR giving us language that we don't have the experience to use. 

So, my point with this? You might think you're done, or that you've arrived, or that you're stellar at the thing you don't frequently practice but know all about, but you're probably not. Be open to that and embrace learning skills in a new way and with feedback (from a loving or supportive source). 

And I'm out.

Be well, my friends!

Own Your 'Stuff'

Owning Your Stuff

Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo

This isn't a fun topic for people, although I would argue it's one of the most necessary things that people should do.  Personally, I love this topic. I love seeing people self reflect in such a way that they can honestly own whatever it is that they're doing in a given situation.  I also personally love this topic because I'd rather know what my stuff is then have it metaphorically slap me in the face later on to the point that I feel completely blindsided. 

It's also worth noting that this (owning your stuff) is the antidote to defensiveness, one of the four horsemen for couples who are in conflict. 

With all of that said, it's not necessarily fun to go through the process of owning your stuff. It's just not. It's uncomfortable, it's unpleasant, it involves self reflection and some level of self-doubt, as well as developing empathy for the person who's in the situation with you (or people, plural).

But then you get to the end result,  which is really about knowing yourself in a deep way, owning your faults, your quirks, your eccentric tease, the little nuances that make you who you are, and knowing what your core values are. 

If this isn't already obvious, this also ties in with self-reflecting on your own role BIG TIME (found as one of three things to do when dealing with difficult people). 

And I think it goes without saying, but I am absolutely of the belief that taking ownership of your stuff is necessary in fundamental to personal development and growth, as well as positively impactful on your relationships. In a nutshell, it's worth it.  

So, now we can get to the how-to. Yay, the fun part! 

1.  Self-Reflection

You must engage in self reflection. (Duh, right?) This can't be done in a variety of ways. You can start to journal, start to meditate, question your motives for doing things, or ask a beloved person in your life (someone you highly trust and has your best interest at heart, ideally) some questions about how you come across.  The last of these ideas can be difficult for people to do – I highly recommend it, but only if you have a safe and trusting relationship with that person.  

2. Apologize

This one seems obvious, but it's important to say. If you self reflect and/or realize that you made a mistake, freaking own up to it and apologize for your part in it! Only your part. I know, I know, much easier said than done. I get it.

However, that does not negate the fact that it should still be done. Yes, apologizing can suck, but there comes a point where the relationship you have with a person (if it's important to you) should take precedence over a need it to be right or any other reason for not apologizing. In a sense, this is an applicable owning of the stuff.  In other words, this is where you put your money where your mouth is. If owning your stuff is important to you (it should be), then apologies can, should, and do happen.  They get easier with practice – I promise. 

3.   Be Objective

Try to be objective about the situation.  If there's a certain situation that comes to mind with this topic, then what you can do to attempt to own your stuff is try to think about the situation from an objectivepoint of view.  Here's one that can look like – you pretty much position yourself as a fly on the wall (this might be you thinking about the situation, but this can also be done during of the situation). If a fly were watching the situation unfold and had no stake in either side, what would that fly report? I highly doubt the fly would report that one person was angelic and the other was demonic. Try to be objective. 

4. Listen Until They Feel Heard

LISTEN to the other person’s point of view. This ties in with a previous post - we must  listen in such a way that our partner  feels understood.   This entails setting aside your own agenda until it’s your turn to speak.

This also applies to groups of people, but for the sake of writing, let's stick with one person. A really simple way of starting to own your stuff and recognize your role in whatever circumstances are is to actually listen to what the other person is saying. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Yourself included – I'm not ignoring that by any means. But I will say is that the easiest way to be heard is to listen. If a person feels understood and heard, they are way more likely to listen to what you have to say. 

 That's all from me for now. Until next time! And start to practice owning your stuff!  

Give Your Brain a Break

Think about the very first thing you do in the morning. If you're like the vast majority of people (let's stick with in the United States), then you probably reach to your nightstand and check your phone. I'm assuming you check for social media updates, personal and work email, and maybe the news. Am I guessing right? 

This isn't a post to criticize technology use. 

This is really a post to question your awareness of technology use. 

How quickly do you turn to your phone when you have nothing to do? How quickly do you pull it out if you feel uncomfortable or awkward in any given situation? And how quickly do you turned your phone when you "should" be doing something else? 

Again, not criticizing technology. 

My point in even questioning this is  to wonder about the  result of turning to our phones when we feel bored, uncomfortable, or even right when we wake up. L I can't help but think that it all results in constant stimulation and us being inundated with information.  And I'm not sure what good that does for us. 

When we are constantly stimulated, we leave no room for empty mental space, which is where creativity thrives, and which gives are brain a break. 

And when we constantly turn to our phones, especially when we first wake up, we're not even giving our brain a chance to exist without incoming information. Between thinking constantly (which most people do) and constantly taking in information, what is that doing for us?  

My guess is not much.  

The Brain Challenge

So, my challenge for you is to set your phone aside for the first 10 minutes after you wake up for two full weeks.  

If you use your phone as an alarm clock, then right when you wake up from your alarm, shut it off and step away from the phone.  For 10 minutes.  Maybe just sit and look outside at nature, or have a cup of coffee or tea, or journal,  or do squats, push-ups, and crunches, or do anything that makes you feel calm and good.  This isn't a directive to start doing any one of those particular things – the challenge is to set your phone aside for the first 10 minutes of your day. 

Good luck to you and keep me posted on how you do!  

Dealing with Difficult People

We've all been there. There's that one person who just gets under our skin, who we can't understand, and who operates in a way that makes little to no sense to us. 

Let's get clear on a few things before I start getting into this. First of all, when I say difficult people, I don't mean 'people who are intentionally difficult.' I simply mean people who we experience as difficult. That's key here. Secondly, difficult people can include those people who we just don't click with. Regardless of what we've been taught from young ages ("everybody can get along"), the truth is that there are people who we simply don't jive with and operate much differently than. This, in and of itself, is a nonissue. However, when it comes to interacting with that person (through work, family, or friend groups), that's when problems can arise. 

Now, let's pause.

Think of that person in your life. Hopefully, it's hard for you to think of somebody. Realistically, one person immediately popped into your head. No shame in that.

Now, here are three things you can do to hopefully slow down your agitation train and chillax on the relaxation yacht. (Don't judge my language, just go with it).

1. Remember that it's not personal. 
   Yes, I understand. This is so much easier said than done. With that said, it's still effective. If we can take into consideration that this person isn't acting maliciously or intentionally trying to sabotage us (and our sanity), then we can have a little more leniency with them. Most people aren't doing things intentionally, they're doing things as a result of their own temperament, personality, and lived experiences. 
    
2. Assume similarity.
   This one is funny. As frustrated as you are with this person? It's highly likely that they're equally as frustrated with you. It's not as though you're alone in your experience of frustration. And what we know about assuming similarity is that it can create some space for empathy (for the other person). Don't think about empathy as making excuses for the person - think about it as being able to see something from their point of view. That's all it is. Taking on the stance of the other person.
    
3. Self-reflect on your role.
   This ties in with the whole "assume similarity" piece, but the point here is that you actively self-reflect on your own role in the interaction. For example, are your expectations unrealistic for the other person, but you're also unwilling to change them? Or are you assuming they know how you think or feel without actually sharing it with them? Are you guessing at what they're thinking or feeling without asking them? I could go on and on, but I'll stop. I think you get the point. And, an important note, taking responsibility for your own role is not the same as taking responsibility for the whole interaction. That's not what I mean, nor is that useful. However, focus on yourself in the interaction - what do you do and what can you change?

That's about all from me, folks! It sucks being in this place, where we feel stuck and frustrated about having a difficult person (or difficult people, plural) in our lives. With that said, try to adopt the three suggestions above and see what difference it makes, if any. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences, also, so make sure to share below!