Anxiety is the Devil

Anxiety Sucks

Period. 

People describe it as being stuck inside their own personal hell. And there's a lot of truth to that. It's an endless stream of thoughts about worst-case scenarios, what-ifs, past events where you may have said that one thing wrong, and 10 years in the future when xyz might happen. It's incessant.

And exhausting.

We've written before about anxiety (and will likely write again about it). It's important to talk about the experience of having it, as well as ways of coping with it. 

A couple of caveats - finding ways of coping with anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to go away. Having anxiety or being prone to anxiety might mean an ongoing "struggle." Except for people who have had it a long time and have learned ways of coping, it's less of a struggle and more of a nuisance. For others, it's a perpetual struggle. 

One of the hardest pieces is that it requires a getting-to-know-you experience before anything else. For example, if you wanted to pull a weed, would you just pull the top of it? Probably not. You'd go for the root. You'd dig into the soil around it and make sure you got all the little tendrils out - because you know as well as we do that one root can grow into multiple roots that dig deeper into the soil, and that can grow into multiple weeds that keep spreading in the yard. And then you're out there digging out weeds all the time instead of tending to the garden and the vegetables or plants that you want to grow.

Understanding Your Anxiety

This is the hardest part - often the scariest, too. Because it requires doing the complete opposite of what anybody with anxiety wants to do. It requires turning towards the anxiety, exposing it, questioning it, allowing space for it, and really trying to fully understand what it's about. 

HEAR US OUT, PLEASE!!

We know it sounds ridiculous, but if we don't fully understand what it's about, then how can we be sure to effectively cope with it?! That'd be like a doctor telling you to put your arm in a sling without ever doing an x-ray. Sounds silly, doesn't it? 

it's the same thing. Okay, not the exact same, but very similar. 

There are different kinds of anxiety and they show up in different ways. Not only are there different diagnoses (i.e. generalized, panic disorder, health anxiety), but each diagnosis (depending on the person, although there's some consistency) can be exacerbated by different things, including sleep, life stressors, food, drugs (yes, including alcohol and caffeine), and exercise. That's probably not even all, but it's the start. 

So, before even moving on to coping (which we're going to do, anyway), the first step is really diving into what kind of anxiety you deal with and what exacerbates your anxiety.

Coping with Anxiety

Again, understanding is the most important part, but we're softies and want to share four tried and true methods for coping with anxiety.

1. Exercise. 3-4x/week for 30 minutes at a time. Especially cardio/aerobic exercise. Weights are also good, but aerobic is better. And don't act like you don't already know this is a thing! Everybody knows the need to exercise, but most people don't find the time or don't have the inclination. For anxiety warriors, it's a must.
2. Sleep. I'm pretty sure I read that the majority of the U.S. are sleep deprived. Yes, majority. For people coping with anxiety, that's a no-no. It wreaks havoc on your circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle that you body naturally falls into). And good sleep also means good sleep hygiene (i.e. screen time, caffeine consumption). We'll write more about that later.
3. Thoughts. What do you spend your time thinking about? Do you ever take time to be present, or are you stuck in your thoughts more often than not? If the latter (like most folks with anxiety), then this is a great place to start. Pay attention to what you're thinking, how it impacts you emotionally, and how thinking a different thing can make you feel better. 
4. Meditation. Another one that everybody knows is good, but most people don't do. I'll tell you a little secret. Meditation, literally, changes your brain. As in, for real, changes the activity (i.e. slows it down) and structure of your brain. It's unbelievable what it can do for you (most of these things on the list, actually). And if you think that it's "not thinking" for 10 minutes, you're mistaken. It's simply about paying attention to one thing - a mantra, your breathing, the present, an image, or something else. 

There you have it! Four simple (and highly effective) ways of ocping with anxiety. Doing them all on one day won't make everything better, though. Just something to keep in mind. They require consistent practice and you end up seeing profound effects (especially the longer you stick with them).

Good luck, friends! And if you want help along this journey (it can be trying going at it alone), reach out to us. We're happy to support you in any way possible!

What’s the Present Moment and Why Should I Care?

When we talk about the present moment, we’re talking about right now. And now. And also now. It moves along with you. In other words, whatever the thing is that you’re doing/reading/smelling is the present moment.  

The easiest way of describing it is to think about your breath or your senses. Right after you read this paragraph, I want you to actually do the thing you read. Take 30 seconds and pay attention to your breath. Notice how it feels in your body when you inhale. As in, the temperature of the air as it enters your nose or mouth, if you notice your chest rising, your diaphragm moving, or you stomach getting full. Pay attention to how your body naturally responds when you’ve received enough oxygen, what your body feels like when you exhale, and the temperature of the air leaving your body (and then repeat three times). 

Okay, pause here and actually do the thing that you read above.  Then come back.

Good, thank you!  

That’s the present moment. It’s time when you’re fully tuned in with yourself - not your thoughts because those are all over the place (probably)- but with your senses.  

There’s a saying that you can’t breathe in the past and you can’t breathe in the future - you can only breathe in the present. The breath is always a simple (not necessarily easy, of course) way to be in the present. Your senses are other simple ways because they, too, can’t be in the past or future.  

And what is the point of talking about all of this? You might be wondering. 

Here’s why.  

Because people who spend too much time ruminating on the past end up feeling depressed and people who spend too much time planning or thinking about the future tend to feel anxious. No, not all people and no, those aren’t the only things that feed into anxiety and depression yet they are factors. 

When we can spend time actually being in the present, we feel less anxious and more grounded, less depressed and more hopeful, and better overall. 

Additionally, just as a little extra, it’s interesting to note that people who spend more time in the present moment tend to get overwhelmed less. They develop the ability to create some distance between a thought and the reactive feeling from the thought. Rather than have a thought and feel immediately overwhelmed, it allows you to have a thought and see it as just a thought, sometimes even without the feeling. 

And if this all sounds like gibberish, we get it. It’s an odd concept to think about (and practice) when so much of our world is reaction-based, rather than intentional and focused. It’s worth it to get into the habit, though. The benefits are close to none other. 

I Hate My Job... Now What?

Well, of course the easy answer is to “leave it and find something else.”  

It’s not that simple, though. Technically, it is that simple, but in actuality, there’s way more that goes into making changes than just impulsively deciding on doing something. 

Here are five questions to ask yourself when you’re faced with hating your job and feeling stuck about it.

1. Is this sudden or ongoing?
   This is an important question. If this is something sudden, then the idea is that it might pass. If it’s something that’s ongoing (i.e. for longer than three months), then it might be a sign that things aren’t going to get better for you. Maybe you’re being undervalued, underpaid, or overworked, but the longer something goes on, the higher the likelihood that it will continue.
   

2. Is your company in a transition or has there been a recent transition?
   Also an important question. Transitions suck. They’re uncomfortable and foreign. They lead to people feeling unsettled and off-kilter, questioning whether they’ve done the right thing and/or wondering if they’ll ever feel better and grounded. Which is why it’s important to reflect on whether there’s been any recent transitions (or current transitions) where you’re working.
   
   If you’re in the middle of one, it might be worth it to stick it out and see were the chips fall. If you’re not in a transition and horribly unhappy, then maybe it’s time to start to look elsewhere (or to think about looking elsewhere).
   

3. What aspects of your job do you like?
   Take a second and reflect on your current job. What aspects of it do you like? Maybe it’s your coworkers, or your boss, or the company values, or your time with clients/customers, or your time away from clients/customers, or the meetings you have, or something else entirely. The point is that identifying some aspect of your job that you like (if any) is going to result in more clarity for you when you go to make a change. You’ll know what you’d like to keep and what you’d like to shed.
   

4. What aspects of your job do you dislike?
   Similar to the previous question, it’s equally important to get a sense of what you don’t like. Then, when you go to make a change, you can say (with confidence) what you’re looking for in a position and what you’re not looking for. Both are important.
   

5. If you were to change jobs, what would you need to do to ensure it was a successful shift?
   This is just to get your mind going regarding the barriers and bridges that could help you with a career or job change. Think hypothetically about yourself, ask yourself what your best friend would say (or your partner or your family), write about it first thing in the morning in a free-flowing way (i.e. to hell with grammar and structure), draw - do something that can get you outside of your head.

That’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s enough to get your gears grinding (hopefully). It’s not as though this is an easy shift for people to make, and it’s definitely not always the case that you can (or should) make a quick decision without thinking it through just a little bit. When you can answer question five with some confidence, then I’d say you’re closer to making a change than you were previously. And if you’ve known the question to answer five, then maybe it’s time to whittle down a little further and start actually planning that change. Tim is great for that and can help you along the way. It’s hard to go at it alone!

Accepting That People Might Not Like You

This seems funny to talk about, but it’s actually a significant factor in lots of lives. Here's the long and short of it. You will interact with people who don’t like you.  WILL. Not “maybe you can sway them,” but actually, “some people won’t like you.” Period. 

Sit with that.

Is it hard to stomach? Are you feeling okay with it or is it something that makes you feel a little bit icky on the inside?  

Okay, now sit with this. You go to say something to another person and are met with a look of disgust or contempt, and you feel slightly gut-punched because it came out of nowhere and you don’t know what you did wrong. You start reflecting and thinking about what you said, how you said it, what you were thinking about when you said it and if your facial expression was an accurate representation of the message you were trying to relay, if what you said is a trigger for this other person (or could possibly be?!), if you’ve ever had an interaction like that with them before, or if they seemed like they were having a bad day and you shouldn’t have tried to talk to them in the first place.

BLEGH. All of those thoughts race through your head in a matter of 3 seconds. Then you spend the next three days feeling terrible, the three after that figuring out what you should do about it, and then the next three thinking about the next time you see them. At the same time, you start thinking how uncomfortable it’s going to be, how awkward you feel because you’re not even sure what you did wrong in the first place, and then you spend three more days after that acting like you don’t care and trying to let it go. Except one day you randomly think about it (again) which starts the whole process over.

Does that sound more familiar? 

It’s okay if it does! I mean, it doesn’t sound very pleasant, by any means, but it’s okay that the process occurs for you.

My guess is that you don’t feel comfortable with it and want to be able to let go of feeling totally wrapped up with whatever the situation was. 

Realistically, part of existing in life means that people aren’t going to Iike you. It’s going to be based on a variety of factors, some of which you could probably change (but would you want to?) and some of which have nothing to do with you.

Maybe a question to think about and reflect on is whether or not it’s worth it to invest your energy in a person who seems to not like you, or whether it’s time for you to invest your time in working on yourself through counseling with Tim, who specializes in social relationships. I’ll give you a hint - one has a much higher and long-term payoff than the other. 

I Feel Lost With Life... I Don't Know What To Do

Feeling untethered? Unsure about where to go next, what to do with your life, and what your future holds? (Technically, nobody knows what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean we should say ‘screw it’ and completely disconnect what control we do have in our life.)

You’re not alone (as cheesy as that sounds). Seriously, though, you’re not the first person who feels untethered and you surely won’t be the last. Even further, this isn’t something that happens once in life and then it’s done. It can happen consistently throughout life. The good news is that the better we get at dealing with this experience, the sooner we understand what’s going on, and the sooner we can address it. 

How to Recognize You’re Feeling Lost

It might seem counterintuitive, but is worth mentioning. Sometimes, we get in such a state of confusion and overwhelm that we dont’ even recognize part of the issue is feeling untethered. We say to ourselves, “I’m just unhappy with my weight/job/partner/past/class/boss.” And then we leave it at that, passing the blame to those around us, but not really taking the time to reflect on what role we have in it.

So, here are a few ways to assess whether or not you’re feeling lost in life. 

1. You feel uninterested and bored by (almost) everything.
   There’s no real passion or purpose for what you’re doing. You don’t care about previous activities you used to love. You’re going through the motions, but you’re not invested.
   

2. You look at others and wonder what you’re missing.
   It’s not uncommon for you to see other people in your life who seem genuinely happy and satisfied and to be left feeling confused. You might either say, “they’re full of it,” or you might say, “I wish I felt a semblance of that.” Either way, you feel disconnected from others who seem genuinely happy.
   

3. You feel disconnected from those around you.
   I mean with everybody. Your partner, your children, your friends, your family of origin, your coworkers, the barista you see every day... everybody. You can remember what it felt like to actually enjoy seeing these people, and to be interested in what they were saying. Currently, though, you’re left only remembering what it was like and telling yourself you might feel that again someday.

I’m Lost, Then. Now What? 

Well, there’s not really an easy fix, I’m afraid. There are simple things you can do, but part of the simple things entails reflecting on your current state of being, your past state of being, your moods and behaviors, the things in life that spark any joy, the things in life that energize you even just a little bit, and assessing relationships (i.e. are they fulfilling your needs, are you being honest, is it personal or between you and the other person).  

The short version is that the first thing we do is assess.  

We want to get a true understanding of what is before we start making changes left and right. And I realize that you’re probably wanting a quick solution because this feeling is one that is distinctly uncomfortable. However, I’d urge you to ride it out to the extent that you fully understand it. Then, and only then, we can implement changes that will (ideally) improve your sense of feeling tethered. 

Of course, counseling is one way of doing that. We’re trained to help people sort out their feelings of lost-ness, and Tim, in particular, is a stellar person to see for this. We’re happy to help in any way we can, so contact us today to get a feel for whether we’re a good fit for you! 

Let's Talk Transitions

Life is characterized by transitions. They're unavoidable. They're uncomfortable. And they feel completely unique and isolating when they happen, but there's actually some order to the chaos.

First off, let's not confuse transition with change. A change is a decision. There's the making of the change, and then there's the process of going through said change. When we decide to make a change in our life (i.e. graduating, partnering or separating) or when life forces a change upon us (i.e. being fired, death), we're thrust into a transition state.

Second, It seems like we think making the change is the hardest part, but it's not. The hardest part is going through the transition of said change.

Transitions are characterized by feeling confused, disconnected, uncomfortable, full of doubt, and eventual acceptance. And no, I'm not talking about a grief process. That's different. We expect them to be magical and great. In many ways, they are, but not until they're uncomfortable and hard.

When we make a change or decide on making a change, we might feel really good. We're pumped, excited, and ready to take on the world (this might not be the same for when life thrusts a change upon us). We can't wait for the change to take place.

And then it does.

And then we're left questioning whether we made the right decision. We wonder if it was really that bad before we made the change. We look back and think, "I don't really want to be back in that position, but I'm not happy and I thought I would be happy! Did I make the wrong choice?!" It's confusing, to say the least.

It's also normal.

Normal doesn't mean that it's easy to experience alone.

We focus on transitions in life and help people make sense of what they're going through and how to navigate the uncharted waters. With the skilled clinicians, we're able to assist people in making meaning of their circumstances.

If you're in the state of transition right now or have a big change coming up, then reach out to make sure that you're setting yourself up for the smoothest transition possible - one where you're walking forward with your eyes wide open, ready to face the discomfort in order to get to the new phase of your life.

Existential Drift...

I don't even know if the title is a term or not, but it makes sense in my head.

Here's what I meant by existential drift - it's that moment in time when you're thinking about the meaning of life, or why you're here, or what's your purpose, or what's it all mean, and then you shift from curiosity and awe into despair, angst, and terror. It's that reeeeally slow shift; that gradual slope that you don't catch until you're speeding down the slide into the deep, dark recesses of your existentially-terrified mind.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then kudos to you, my friend. For those who do know what I'm talking about, welcome to the club!

Benefits of Existential Drift

While this might sound asinine, there are wonderful implications about this experience and process.

1. It means you like to question things and don't accept what 'is' without serious inquiry. This is awesome! Except it can lead to despair if you let it snowball out of control.
2. It means that when you reach a point of feeling grounded, you can feel certain that it's the sort of ground that isn't going to crumble with a hard jump. In essence, you've laid a more solid foundation for yourself than you'd ever get from somebody else.
3. When you meet another angsty soul in this journey of life, you really get each other. On a meaningful level, you connect. It's like you know that you've each walked through the fiery pits of your own personal hells, and you relate.

All of that said, there are also cons. I think you can guess what they are, though.

Downsides of Existential Drift

1. When you're in the midst of it, you feel like a lunatic. Seriously, you doubt everything, you feel untethered from reality, unsure of which direction to go or how to even decide, and disconnected from everything and everyone.
2. Taking point one into consideration - it can lead into depression if not processed and sorted out properly. And by 'properly,' we don't mean in a cookie cutter way, we just mean in a way that helps you get to solid footing.
3. It sucks to experience.

That's really all there is to it. Well, technically, no, there's way more, but that's enough for an intro blog post.

Ride the Metaphorical Existential Wave

I also have to throw out there that if you're going through this or have gone through it, you're absolutely not alone. I mean, technically, you are, because that's one of the existential and universal human experiences, but you're not in that others before you and others after you will go through this very thing. It's part of being human (one of the crappy parts). It can also lead to a much richer life. Hold onto that while you ride the wave, my friend.

Be well and rock on.

Are We Even Compatible?!

Here's a question I've heard before - maybe it's even a question you've asked yourself in the heat of battle...

Is this normal or are we not actually compatible?

Then, for the icing on the cake: Shouldn't I be feeling (insert your choice of feeling word - the one that you've probably said to yourself before)?!

Well, let's talk, shall we? 

First, that's a scary question at any point in a relationship. I would say especially when you've invested a certain amount of time and energy into making it work. To feel that sick thud of doubt is terrifying for many people and... it doesn't actually mean anything.

I mean, sure, it means that you're definitely in the middle or something big and that you're definitely reevaluating your relationship (on some level). Feeling that doubt or even questioning your relationship doesn't mean, however, that you're doomed to fail, or that you're with the wrong person, or that you're even doing something wrong as a couple.

Here are three reasons why.

1.  Doubt Doesn't Necessarily Mean Don't
Let's be real, here. We've all felt doubt about our relationship at certain points. If you haven't, freaking congratulations!! That's really fantastic and I'm happy to hear. If you have, you are not alone!! It is absolutely not uncommon to question whether the relationship you're in is actually working or if you're forcing it to work or if you'd be better off with someone else or if you're being your true self or why you're staying when you'd rather be trekking off to Europe to meet a passionate, Italian artist who drinks fine wine and sweeps you off your feet. It's all normal.

When you feel that heavy thud of doubt, I want you to lean into it. If anything, it's telling you that something is off. That something doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your partner.  

Let me repeat because that piece is especially important. 

That "something" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your partner.

ne of the craziest things I've come to realize (and learn through research and working with clients) is that our stuff that comes up is mostly reflective of us and NOT the person we're with. If you're feeling doubt, don't run from it - question it. Ask yourself what you're feeling doubt about. Ask yourself if what the doubt is trying to tell you. Ask yourself what you can do for yourself that would alleviate the doubt. Some answers might be easy (e.g. "get more sleep") and others might be hard (e.g. "tell him/her I don't want another baby"). It's important to embrace the doubt. Running from it won't make it go away, nor will it make you feel better.

Trust that it's there for a reason and, yet again, that reason may have little, if anything, to do with your partner. So no, doubt doesn't mean you are doomed.

2. Assessment is NORMAL
This may very well be one of my favorite things I've ever learned (and experienced) about relationships. Your tendency to assess whether the relationship is working or not...? You know that tendency I'm talking about, right? Where you question everything (see the section above on doubt), where you wonder if your goals are still the same, where you speculate as to whether you're going to make it through the long haul if you have to pick up one more dirty sock (a slight exaggeration here) - guess what? Also normal.

Yes, you heard me right, normal.

Relationships go through phases. There's that first stage, what we like to call commitment. This is where we agree to commit to one another and thus begin our loving union. Immediately following, we have that accommodation stage. I'm sure you can guess this one - it's where negotiate being together. This can be tricky, at times, but it's par for the course. The third little gem is that assessment stage!! Once we make adjustments and go on committing, we begin to question whether it's worth it. Again, we begin to question whether the relationship is worth it. We weigh the pros and cons, so to speak. If so, we recommit (yay) and if not, we break things off (*cue sad music). 

The other fun (is fun the right word?) fact about this is that it goes on consistently (with less frequency) throughout relationships. It's not as thought you go through that cycle once and then you're done. Nope, you go through multiple times, over and over.

The point of me writing this is to say that when you're questioning compatibility and those annoying quirks that your partner has (that you used to think were super cute), trust that this is a normal process, even if it doesn't necessarily feel very good. 

3. Fighting Feels Shitty
Ahhh, the last piece. I'm just going to cut to the chase here. Fighting sucks. 

There. I said it. It's not fun, it raises blood pressure and heart rates, it's uncomfortable to feel tension, and it sucks to be butting heads with a partner (or partners, if you're poly) when all you want to do is get along.

With that said, some people like conflict. So, for you, this section might feel totally irrelevant. Huzzah, I say! Enjoy you're fighting and I hope the first two points resonated with you!

For my other friends, fighting still sucks. And here's some good news. ALL COUPLES ARGUE AND ARGUING IS NOT A SIGN OF ANYTHING WRONG.

As a caveat, there are good and bad ways to argue. Good and bad are not value judgments. What I mean by "good" is that they are not related to divorce. What I mean by "bad" is that they are highly related to divorce. In other words, good fighting is okay and bad fighting can be predictive (long-term) of divorce.

Back to my point. When you're in the throes of a heated argument and you begin to question everything about your partner - just leave it there. That questioning piece, the one asking if you're even compatible or if you were with somebody else they would just agree with you, it's highly likely more a function of being in the middle of an argument, rather than being a core issue in your relationship. I'm a highly emotional person (and totally fine with that), which means that I sometimes jump to the worst possible scenario when my husband is about three years behind me. I'll get to a place of being 70 and breaking my hip when I bend over to pick up his sock and he's just thinking about why his sock on the ground is that big of a deal. Again, exaggeration, but you get my gist. 

When we fight, for those of us who don't enjoy it, it's uncomfortable and can easily lead to questioning whether things are "right" or whether you are "compatible." No, in that moment, things aren't right because you're not feeling good about your interaction. And no, in that moment, you're not compatible because you're disagreeing! Neither of those things means that, ultimately, you're incompatible and that, ultimately, things are wrong. 

Let the fight be what it is - a fight. 

All of this to say that doubt is okay, assessing your relationship is okay, and fighting is okay (when done right). It's all good, baby. Ride the wave of discontent and follow it up with a splash of ocean breeze. Ebb and flow - that's the way it works.

Are you still not sure whether what you're experiencing is normal? No problem - contact me today (tara@thecounselinghub.com) and straight through the contact form and we can chat. 

For the rest of you who have successfully navigated this terrain - what has worked for you?! How have you succeeded through those times?! I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.

*Disclaimer: In no way am I supporting any sort of abusive, coercive, or violent situations. If you aren't sure whether you're in the situation, read more here and here and here.