8 Reasons Counseling is Not the Same as Friendship

This is a comment and question we get frequently. "Isn't counseling just like having a friend?"

No, no, no, no, and nope (for good measure).

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. Probably because I hear people say things like, “I’m good at telling people what to do. I’m basically a counselor,” or, “My friends always ask my advice. I pretty much do counseling.”  As a counselor educator (one who trains future counselors) and counselor in private practice, I need to clarify why this is inaccurate.

*Just because it's not a friendship doesn't mean there aren't high levels of care and comraderie in the counseling office. We very much care for our clients and sometimes wish we could be friends outside of sessions! But we can't!!

In short, counseling and friendship are not the same thing. Also, as a side note, I could go on and on and on about this, so I’ll keep the rationales brief. :)

Your Friend is Not Your Counselor

1. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not.
   Long and short of this is that your counselor isn’t going to cry on your shoulder about the problems they’re going through (like divorce, death, confusion about career, depression, loneliness, etc.). That’s because it’s our job (and we LOVE IT) to put our clients first. While you might know what goes on in your counselor’s life, you’re paying for time to work through and process your own issues. We respect that and it should be your time completely. Not to mention there are ethical issues against counselors disclosing too much to clients. That’s boring to talk about, though (even if important for counselors to know).
   

2. Counseing is confidential.
   This is such a serious thing for a counselor. Basically, we’re not allowed to talk about you or the details of your problem with anybody. There are some exceptions and stipulations (like consultation or reporting child abuse, among others), but long and short of it is that we’re not going to your other friends to ask the what they think about the things you’ve told us!
   

3. Counselors are as objective as possible.
   The beauty in counselors is that we don’t feel obligated or compelled to withhold information or thoughts or feedback on the basis of it might hurt your feelings. Obviously (I hope obviously, anyway), we’re not setting out to say horrible things and hurt your feelings intentionally. My point is that we’re compelled to point out hard truths, or at least ask questions about hard truths that your friends might not feel comfortable asking.
   

4. Counselors don’t “give advice.”
   Look, if you’re looking for an answer, then you’re coming to the wrong place. If you want to know, “Should I do x or y?!” from your counselor, you’re screwed. Your counselor should not tell you what to do. What we do, instead, is help you to figure out what decision makes the most sense for you, in your life, with your relationships and feelings and experiences. Barring certain situations (domestic violence, for example), how on earth would your counselor know what’s best for you? In short, your friends might tell you exactly what they think you should do. Your counselor should not.
   

5. Counselors are trained to listen to what you’re not saying.
   This sounds silly, but it’s true. We’re trained to listen to what’s not being said. Friends don’t really do that. They tend to listen to what’s being said and directly respond to it. For example, if Susie wants to leave her husband, Frank, and she tells her friend, her friend might say, “Whatever makes you happy, Susie. You haven’t seemed happy lately!” And that’s a supportive friend - we get it. But if Susie says that to her counselor, her counselor is going to ask a shit-ton of questions about a variety of factors that might be influencing her decision, as well as underlying feelings and the meaning of such decisions (again, thinks that aren’t necessarily said out loud without prompting).
   

6. Counselors don’t take it personal when you do what you want (as you should).
   Counselors know that what you decide to do is your responsibility, as well as your life!! We don’t take it personal when a client does whatever they want to do with their life, even if the client makes the same mistake they’ve made in their past three relationships and has been working on said issue for past four months. It’s not that we don’t care - we do. We care way too much sometimes. It’s just that we know people are people and each person (read: client) has their life to live. Mistakes are part of that and not personal attacks on us. Friends might not take it the same way.
   

7. You won’t hold back (as much) information from your counselor.
   I don’t know about you, but I’m ridiculously more forthcoming about things with my counselor than I am with my friends. Again, time-limited and intense discussion is expected. That said, I dive right in. That’s not the case with all friendships, but that’s totally expected with a counselor, and that expectation can make a world of difference.
   

8. Your friend thinks they want to know everything, but they probably don’t.
   This sounds weird, but it’s true. Some things, we just don’t want to know about our friends. You might not want to know that Susie is questioning leaving Frank. You might not want to know that Tori is struggling with sexual identity. You might not want to know that Dale was sexually abused as a child. Some information forever changes our perception of a person, and some people feel forever seen in a different light (and hate it). It’s worth noting that as lovely and warm as your friends probably are, not everybody wants to know everything (possibly).
   

That’s all. Phew. Long list with lots of typing. I probably could expand on each of these, but that’s surely enough for now. Questions? Reach out! Want to schedule? Contact us here! 

6 Myths About Counseling Every Client Needs to Know

Myths of Counseling

Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo

No long intro here - just keep in mind that any of the following may (or may not) fit with you. These are common, even if the first one is kind of silly, but still important!

1. Your counselor can read your mind.
   Ha! I wish. Seriously, can you imagine a counselor with telepathy? Best. Counselor. EVER. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but it’s just not true. Counselors can’t read your mind. This is probably why you might think that, though
   
   We’re trained on people and how they engage in peopling in the world. We’re trained to not only listen to the words you’re saying, but also how you’re saying them (i.e. inflection, tone, pacing, pauses), as well as your facial expressions and your body language. I remember reading a statistic somewhere that said communication is 70% nonverbal. SEVENTY PERCENT. That’s a crazy high number, and we make good use of it.
   
   No telepathy, though. ;)
   

2. Once you fully understand the problem, then you’re done with counseling. I mean, yes and no. Yes, having a full understanding of the issue or problem you’re coming in with is important. And no, having a full understanding of the issue or problem is not enough to stop doing the work. The reality is that understanding is the easy part. It’s easy to “know” what you’re supposed to do. Just because you know what to do, do you do it? Exactly.
   
   What most people don’t know or realize, however, is that the actual process of change is where the difficulties really lie. It’s hard to make changes in life. When we understand our problem, that’s the starting point. It’s not that we want to see you forever, but it is that we want you to actually make changes related to your problem before calling it quits with us because that’s where the work really is.
   

3. Personal development has a finish line.
   Most people think that they’re going to be pristine at the end of counseling and that they’re never going to deal with their problem again - they’ve got it totally figured out, have made changes, have been practicing their new way of being in the world, and accept (for lack of a better word) perfection.
   
   WRONG.
   
   I love y’all, but that’s so wrong. Our growth is perpetual. The point of counseling is to unblock a jam that’s impeding growth, it’s not to rush you to your finish line. And, technically, the ultimate finish line is death. Until that point, our bodies and minds are constantly evolving and changing. It’s seriously amazing how humans operate.
   

4. Counseling is the same thing as friendship.
   You know, this is one I really understand, but still need to put on here. Counseling and friendship are absolutely not the same thing. The counselor-client relationship can be such an intimate experience. Imagine being able to bare your soul with another person who not only makes space for it, but encourages it and is actually interested in hearing and listening. As in, really listening. It’s unprecedented for many people who come in the door. It’s also welcome.
   
   Here’s the difference, though. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not. You’re not going to have a counselor who relies on you to talk about and listen to their problems (yes, counselors are human and have their own issues - it’s a human thing, not a you thing). Counselors are also trained in how to say things at the right time, rather than just dole out advice. I love my friends, but if I want objective advice from somebody without their own agenda, then I’m probably going to my counselor.
   

5. Counseling is a sign of weakness.
   Ugh, this one grinds my gears. I’ll leave you with this (rhetorical) question. If it takes work and is difficult to be honest and feel unpleasant (and pleasant, for some people) feelings and to talk about things that are eatin away at you on the inside, then why is counseling a sign of weakness? If I told you to squat 1000 pounds or run 15 miles and you hadn’t trained at all, would you say that was a sign of weakness? NO. You’d practice and then you’d do it. For whatever reason, we think that talking about something that’s difficult means that it shouldn’t be talked about. WHAT. WHY?! It means that it should be practiced (i.e. talked about) and that muscle grown.
   

6. Counselors are humorless.
   Uuumm, I really, really hope that my clients don’t think this. Sure, one sense of humor doesn’t jive with everybody, but the counseling relationship isn’t one where there’s never any laughing or joking, where there aren't any niceties or catching up on random television shows - it’s a human relationship, not strictly a business relationship. It’s one where people can show up fully and if connection with others includes laughing, then that’s included in counseling, too. Counseling is all about connecting.

My favorite part about this list is that you can bring it up with your counselor and talk (or laugh) about it!

That's the beauty of a therapeutic relationship. There's nothing  that has to be left unsaid. The space you and your counselor co-create in sessions should be one of warmth, empathy, understanding, and safety. And all of those things would imply that you could talk about things that you might not feel comfortable talking about outside of sessions. Regardless of whether you do this or not, it's nice to know it's a possibility.

That’s all for today. We love myths and love to write about how, as the name implies, they’re not truths.  Happy counseling, everybody!

Email us right now to get your questions answered or your session scheduled!

I Feel Lost With Life... I Don't Know What To Do

Feeling untethered? Unsure about where to go next, what to do with your life, and what your future holds? (Technically, nobody knows what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean we should say ‘screw it’ and completely disconnect what control we do have in our life.)

You’re not alone (as cheesy as that sounds). Seriously, though, you’re not the first person who feels untethered and you surely won’t be the last. Even further, this isn’t something that happens once in life and then it’s done. It can happen consistently throughout life. The good news is that the better we get at dealing with this experience, the sooner we understand what’s going on, and the sooner we can address it. 

How to Recognize You’re Feeling Lost

It might seem counterintuitive, but is worth mentioning. Sometimes, we get in such a state of confusion and overwhelm that we dont’ even recognize part of the issue is feeling untethered. We say to ourselves, “I’m just unhappy with my weight/job/partner/past/class/boss.” And then we leave it at that, passing the blame to those around us, but not really taking the time to reflect on what role we have in it.

So, here are a few ways to assess whether or not you’re feeling lost in life. 

1. You feel uninterested and bored by (almost) everything.
   There’s no real passion or purpose for what you’re doing. You don’t care about previous activities you used to love. You’re going through the motions, but you’re not invested.
   

2. You look at others and wonder what you’re missing.
   It’s not uncommon for you to see other people in your life who seem genuinely happy and satisfied and to be left feeling confused. You might either say, “they’re full of it,” or you might say, “I wish I felt a semblance of that.” Either way, you feel disconnected from others who seem genuinely happy.
   

3. You feel disconnected from those around you.
   I mean with everybody. Your partner, your children, your friends, your family of origin, your coworkers, the barista you see every day... everybody. You can remember what it felt like to actually enjoy seeing these people, and to be interested in what they were saying. Currently, though, you’re left only remembering what it was like and telling yourself you might feel that again someday.

I’m Lost, Then. Now What? 

Well, there’s not really an easy fix, I’m afraid. There are simple things you can do, but part of the simple things entails reflecting on your current state of being, your past state of being, your moods and behaviors, the things in life that spark any joy, the things in life that energize you even just a little bit, and assessing relationships (i.e. are they fulfilling your needs, are you being honest, is it personal or between you and the other person).  

The short version is that the first thing we do is assess.  

We want to get a true understanding of what is before we start making changes left and right. And I realize that you’re probably wanting a quick solution because this feeling is one that is distinctly uncomfortable. However, I’d urge you to ride it out to the extent that you fully understand it. Then, and only then, we can implement changes that will (ideally) improve your sense of feeling tethered. 

Of course, counseling is one way of doing that. We’re trained to help people sort out their feelings of lost-ness, and Tim, in particular, is a stellar person to see for this. We’re happy to help in any way we can, so contact us today to get a feel for whether we’re a good fit for you! 

Why Am I So Anxious?!

Anxiety is a tricky fiend. It’ll sneak up on you and snatch away your joy when you least expect it. Or it lies waiting all day, just biding its time until you lay down for bed and then it starts screaming in your ear about all the ways you’ve failed, all the things you have to do, all the horrific things that could happen, all the friends who probably don’t even like you, and all the failed attempts at life you’ve had so far.

EGADS, it’s exhausting.

Take heart, my friend, we’re going to cover some common reasons anxiety strikes. Hopefully, you get something out of this. And if you don’t? That’s cool – we’re happy with trying.

With anxiety, we’re looking at a few different things.

Nutrition and Anxiety (yes, seriously...)

First off, food. Yes, seriously, food.

Your gut is legit magical. I mean, if you even knew, you’d be completely blown away by this thing (you might actually already know, in which case I’m preaching to the choir). For example, did you know that about 90% of the serotonin in your body is located in your gut. Yes, your GUT. So wild, right?!

My point is this, though. When we ingest things that cause/increase inflammation in our system or that are poison, in essence (I’m looking at you, alcohol!), then we’re potentially increasing our risk for mental health problems. I’m not saying don’t drink. I am saying to pay attention to how you feel (mentally) after you eat and drink certain things. It’s not uncommon for people to cite drinking (the day before, for example) as an antecedent to feeling extremely anxious.

Cognitions and Anxiety

Second, thoughts.

This is the one that everybody already knows about (probably). The way that we think can actually increase and decrease certain feelings. Yes, our thoughts are connected to our feelings. Crazy, huh?

A simple experiment is to shut your eyes and think about a time when somebody said or did something really thoughtful for you. Just go back there for a minute and recall what that was like. And then open your eyes and notice how you feel. There are probably some vestiges of ‘good’ after thinking about that, right?

Along that same vein, close your eyes and think about the last jackass to cut you off, or that time you were wrongfully accused of something, or the last fight you had. Go back there for a minute. Then open your eyes and notice how you feel. Probably angry – at least I’m assuming angry, but it could also be frustrated, upset, or distressed.

My point is this – anxiety can be related to thoughts. So when we’re aware of how we think about things (and what we think about), we can squelch some of anxiety-as-an-effect.

Basic Needs and Anxiety

Third (and last because this is getting long), basic needs.

This sounds so silly, but is really important. You know what else impacts anxiety? Sleep, sunlight, and connection. Yes, all three.

Sleep is WAY more profound on our systems than we give it credit for. People who consistently don’t sleep enough end up dying sooner, on average, having more illness and slower recoveries, and having more mental health issues. For real. Sleep is important.

Connection and sunlight are also significant, in that we evolved to be outside (not in artificial light) and be in connection with others. When both of those are consistently disrupted, the aftermath can be mental health issues, including anxiety.

The point of this is to highlight some other factors that can be influencing your anxiety. If you know these, you can start to modify some of what you’re doing and just see what the impact is. If it’s helpful, then now you know! And if it’s not, then schedule a session and come through to see us so we can help you figure out what’s going on!

Signs You Could Benefit from Counseling

if you’ve been thinking about individual counseling or marriage counseling, but aren’t really sure if you need it, then this is the post for you. And I’m in the mood for short and sweet, so here we go!

1.  You've been thinking about counseling on and off for longer than six months. I say this with love and affection, but do it already!! Sometimes, we can figure life out on our own (enough that we don’t feel completely off), but sometimes we need to sit and talk with an objective  listener. If you’ve been grappling with something and thinking about counseling for longer than six months, it’s probably time to get in the door. 
    
2. You've tried to “fix” the problem every way you know how and it’s not working . This ties in with the objective listener piece. You've talked to friends, your pastor, your family, strangers, Reddit feeds, and everybody else you can think of. You still can't seem to figure out how to process through/work through/"fix" the problem you're having.
    
3. You keep distracting yourself from feeling unhappy. After you've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it, you've decided to stay, "screw it" and have just started spending time trying to avoid thinking about it. It's worked for a little while, but isn't a long-term solution.

And there you have it, folks. There are just a handful of reasons that it might be time to get off your couch at home and on the couch in our comfy office! Start the process by contacting us here!

As a little fun factoid, it's interesting to note that it takes couples (not sure about individuals) an average of six years (SIX YEEEEEEARS) to get into the door from the time they start thinking/talking about getting into counseling. That's six years of time that we can't get back, as well as six years we could be getting out of poor communication habits and into ones that contribute to relationship health and longevity. Super interesting, isn't it?!

Let's Talk Transitions

Life is characterized by transitions. They're unavoidable. They're uncomfortable. And they feel completely unique and isolating when they happen, but there's actually some order to the chaos.

First off, let's not confuse transition with change. A change is a decision. There's the making of the change, and then there's the process of going through said change. When we decide to make a change in our life (i.e. graduating, partnering or separating) or when life forces a change upon us (i.e. being fired, death), we're thrust into a transition state.

Second, It seems like we think making the change is the hardest part, but it's not. The hardest part is going through the transition of said change.

Transitions are characterized by feeling confused, disconnected, uncomfortable, full of doubt, and eventual acceptance. And no, I'm not talking about a grief process. That's different. We expect them to be magical and great. In many ways, they are, but not until they're uncomfortable and hard.

When we make a change or decide on making a change, we might feel really good. We're pumped, excited, and ready to take on the world (this might not be the same for when life thrusts a change upon us). We can't wait for the change to take place.

And then it does.

And then we're left questioning whether we made the right decision. We wonder if it was really that bad before we made the change. We look back and think, "I don't really want to be back in that position, but I'm not happy and I thought I would be happy! Did I make the wrong choice?!" It's confusing, to say the least.

It's also normal.

Normal doesn't mean that it's easy to experience alone.

We focus on transitions in life and help people make sense of what they're going through and how to navigate the uncharted waters. With the skilled clinicians, we're able to assist people in making meaning of their circumstances.

If you're in the state of transition right now or have a big change coming up, then reach out to make sure that you're setting yourself up for the smoothest transition possible - one where you're walking forward with your eyes wide open, ready to face the discomfort in order to get to the new phase of your life.

What's Wrong With Me?! Five Question to Ask Yourself...

Have you ever had a day (or two or 10 or even more) where you ask yourself, "What is wrong with me?!" Where you feel like you're in a funk and that nothing is really satisfying in life?

Not Depression, Though...

This isn't a blog post about depression, as a caveat, although the questions to ask yourself could also help alleviate some depressive symptoms! And please note that we taken depression and its impact very seriously. We know the havoc it can wreak and that so many people deal with it. This isn't a blog post about depression.

This is a blog post about those days or times where you feel way off from your normal self. Maybe you're slightly more irritable, or maybe you're just less satisfied overall, or maybe you find yourself wishing it was 8 pm so you could have that beer, or maybe you start to question all of your life choices that ever got you to this place you're in (not least of which includes work, relationship, kids, and location).

Ultimately, you just feel off.

What I want you to do when/if you get in that place is to ask yourself these five questions. They're simple, really, but that doesn't mean they don't have a ridiculously impact on our mental health and overall well-being.

Okay, here goes. (That's me mentally prepping.)

The Five Questions

1. What have I eaten or have I eaten lately?
   You know that old saying, "you are what you eat." Well, truth be told, the more we learn about the microbiome (i.e. our gut), the more we realize that there is way too much truth to this statement. We're not asking you to go on a diet (there's a whole different post coming about that word and its implications); we're simply asking you to notice what you eat and how you feel afterwards.
   
   Here's a random example. I was at an outdoor market and had some delicious fudge. From someone who doesn't eat a lot of straight sugar (basically - the first ingredient was sugar, followed closely by marshmallow), I was exhausted right after eating it.
   

2. How much sleep have I been getting?
   This is another obvious one, but it's worth putting it out there. I'm stopping myself from going on a tirade about how lack of sleep is, literally, critical to your physical and mental health. I mean that with SO MUCH SERIOUSNESS.
   
   This post is getting long enough and I don't want to add three paragraphs just for one question. In the spirit of keeping things brief, just ask yourself how much sleep you've gotten, as well as how much is an optimal amount for you. Then pay attention to how you function with that optimal level versus when it's lacking.
   

3. Have I spent any time outdoors lately?
   Oh, I hear you already with the excuses - "it's too cold" or, "it's too hot" or, "it's too sunny" or, "it's too rainy" or something else entirely.
   
   Tell yourself enough!!
   
   Tomorrow (or right after you read this, if it's not nighttime) - go outside and walk. Leave your phone inside (you don't need it for those five minutes). Look at the world around you and stare in awe at how magnificent it really is. If you can get somewhere green, that's even better. Tell me you don't feel more peaceful afterwards. And humble (the world is big and we're just part of the puzzle).
   

4. Have I connected (really connected) with friends lately?
   I'm not talking about via social media. I'm talking about sitting down with a good friend and having a deep conversation where you lose yourself in the experience and completely forget the world exists around you. Where you laugh and connect, or where you cry and grieve, or where you bemoan the state of the world and question how it even got this way. Real conversations.
   

5. Have I given back lately?
   Altruism is underrated. If you can, give back in some way today. I don't mean financially (unless you have that to give and you want to - that's entirely up to you). What I mean is giving your time or help to others.
   
   You could stop and help somebody carry their groceries, or you could pick up some trash on the side of the road, or you could hold up a sign at a busy intersection that says "you're beautiful and I love you for being you," or you could even offer a hug to a stranger (super rare, but it's a possibility). The purpose of this one is to get out of your head and into an empathic state.
   
   I'll tell you a secret about being a counselor. One of the best things is that no matter what kind of day I'm having when I come into the office, the moment I sit down and see a client (or clients), my world shrinks away into nothingness and I'm knee-deep in someone else's experience. My point in saying this is that when we give back, the experience is the same. For that moment in time, we're not thinking about ourselves; we're thinking about others. And that can be enough to shift us out of our problems and thoughts and into the world in front of us.

That's all, folks. Thanks for getting through the rambles above. Even though I sometimes write with what could be perceived as a "flip" tone, my message is for real. These questions can (and often do) impact our mental health. They're good to keep in mind when things are starting to feel a little funky in life.

"That'll do, pig." (<-Please, somebody tell me they know what this is from.)

Existential Drift...

I don't even know if the title is a term or not, but it makes sense in my head.

Here's what I meant by existential drift - it's that moment in time when you're thinking about the meaning of life, or why you're here, or what's your purpose, or what's it all mean, and then you shift from curiosity and awe into despair, angst, and terror. It's that reeeeally slow shift; that gradual slope that you don't catch until you're speeding down the slide into the deep, dark recesses of your existentially-terrified mind.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then kudos to you, my friend. For those who do know what I'm talking about, welcome to the club!

Benefits of Existential Drift

While this might sound asinine, there are wonderful implications about this experience and process.

1. It means you like to question things and don't accept what 'is' without serious inquiry. This is awesome! Except it can lead to despair if you let it snowball out of control.
2. It means that when you reach a point of feeling grounded, you can feel certain that it's the sort of ground that isn't going to crumble with a hard jump. In essence, you've laid a more solid foundation for yourself than you'd ever get from somebody else.
3. When you meet another angsty soul in this journey of life, you really get each other. On a meaningful level, you connect. It's like you know that you've each walked through the fiery pits of your own personal hells, and you relate.

All of that said, there are also cons. I think you can guess what they are, though.

Downsides of Existential Drift

1. When you're in the midst of it, you feel like a lunatic. Seriously, you doubt everything, you feel untethered from reality, unsure of which direction to go or how to even decide, and disconnected from everything and everyone.
2. Taking point one into consideration - it can lead into depression if not processed and sorted out properly. And by 'properly,' we don't mean in a cookie cutter way, we just mean in a way that helps you get to solid footing.
3. It sucks to experience.

That's really all there is to it. Well, technically, no, there's way more, but that's enough for an intro blog post.

Ride the Metaphorical Existential Wave

I also have to throw out there that if you're going through this or have gone through it, you're absolutely not alone. I mean, technically, you are, because that's one of the existential and universal human experiences, but you're not in that others before you and others after you will go through this very thing. It's part of being human (one of the crappy parts). It can also lead to a much richer life. Hold onto that while you ride the wave, my friend.

Be well and rock on.