Change, Part 1 - Recognizing the Need for Making a Change

Suppose you are a receptionist. You get up every morning and prepare to go to a job where you must greet visitors and answer phones in a friendly nature. This is obviously not true for all, but play along with me. Every night before work there is a brief period of time that should be spent relaxing and preparing for the morning. We all need to destress and reset from the day’s stressors in order to attack the next day with the best version of ourselves. Knowing this, we convince our self that the day will be great and find any way possible to get some much-needed sleep. If we don’t, we lay in agony from the thought of the upcoming events. Either way, we know deep down that tomorrow will not be our best day.

Good morning! The anxiety has struck, and you no longer want to leave bed. You want to avoid the expectations of work and the awkward social interactions that will come. Before you’ve even left bed, you’ve developed a whole new career path that will have you as far away from that office as possible...in the next 10 years. Now that time frame is not always true, but it generally feels like it will take us forever to find happiness.

These feelings of overwhelming anxiety are terrible and completely unnecessary. You can put yourself in a situation where you enjoy your work, enjoy your social interactions, and enjoy your days. While these anxious feelings may be a catalyst for change (attaching a positive spin!!), they can be debilitating and make you miserable. If you haven’t noticed by now, there should be a point in all of these feelings where you realize that a change must be made. Whether this be a change of perspective or a change in career path, it is obvious that something needs to change.

This description was specific to a job that someone didn’t enjoy. However, this situation can be used to describe relationships that bring us discomfort and anxiety. It can be used to describe the feeling someone has as they discover that they will need to go to the grocery store in order to provide food for their household.

"I do not have to feel this way. I can no longer allow my stress and anxiety to control me. I can no longer let others control me. I need to change."

This is just the beginning. This is the easy part. Happiness is something we are all chasing, and considering a change for yourself that may lead to more happiness seems like a positive step. I’m not happy with the way things are and I need to change. It’s a basic concept and self-centered, but in the perfect way with zero negative connotations. This is for you!

What’s the Present Moment and Why Should I Care?

When we talk about the present moment, we’re talking about right now. And now. And also now. It moves along with you. In other words, whatever the thing is that you’re doing/reading/smelling is the present moment.  

The easiest way of describing it is to think about your breath or your senses. Right after you read this paragraph, I want you to actually do the thing you read. Take 30 seconds and pay attention to your breath. Notice how it feels in your body when you inhale. As in, the temperature of the air as it enters your nose or mouth, if you notice your chest rising, your diaphragm moving, or you stomach getting full. Pay attention to how your body naturally responds when you’ve received enough oxygen, what your body feels like when you exhale, and the temperature of the air leaving your body (and then repeat three times). 

Okay, pause here and actually do the thing that you read above.  Then come back.

Good, thank you!  

That’s the present moment. It’s time when you’re fully tuned in with yourself - not your thoughts because those are all over the place (probably)- but with your senses.  

There’s a saying that you can’t breathe in the past and you can’t breathe in the future - you can only breathe in the present. The breath is always a simple (not necessarily easy, of course) way to be in the present. Your senses are other simple ways because they, too, can’t be in the past or future.  

And what is the point of talking about all of this? You might be wondering. 

Here’s why.  

Because people who spend too much time ruminating on the past end up feeling depressed and people who spend too much time planning or thinking about the future tend to feel anxious. No, not all people and no, those aren’t the only things that feed into anxiety and depression yet they are factors. 

When we can spend time actually being in the present, we feel less anxious and more grounded, less depressed and more hopeful, and better overall. 

Additionally, just as a little extra, it’s interesting to note that people who spend more time in the present moment tend to get overwhelmed less. They develop the ability to create some distance between a thought and the reactive feeling from the thought. Rather than have a thought and feel immediately overwhelmed, it allows you to have a thought and see it as just a thought, sometimes even without the feeling. 

And if this all sounds like gibberish, we get it. It’s an odd concept to think about (and practice) when so much of our world is reaction-based, rather than intentional and focused. It’s worth it to get into the habit, though. The benefits are close to none other. 

I Hate My Job... Now What?

Well, of course the easy answer is to “leave it and find something else.”  

It’s not that simple, though. Technically, it is that simple, but in actuality, there’s way more that goes into making changes than just impulsively deciding on doing something. 

Here are five questions to ask yourself when you’re faced with hating your job and feeling stuck about it.

1. Is this sudden or ongoing?
   This is an important question. If this is something sudden, then the idea is that it might pass. If it’s something that’s ongoing (i.e. for longer than three months), then it might be a sign that things aren’t going to get better for you. Maybe you’re being undervalued, underpaid, or overworked, but the longer something goes on, the higher the likelihood that it will continue.
   

2. Is your company in a transition or has there been a recent transition?
   Also an important question. Transitions suck. They’re uncomfortable and foreign. They lead to people feeling unsettled and off-kilter, questioning whether they’ve done the right thing and/or wondering if they’ll ever feel better and grounded. Which is why it’s important to reflect on whether there’s been any recent transitions (or current transitions) where you’re working.
   
   If you’re in the middle of one, it might be worth it to stick it out and see were the chips fall. If you’re not in a transition and horribly unhappy, then maybe it’s time to start to look elsewhere (or to think about looking elsewhere).
   

3. What aspects of your job do you like?
   Take a second and reflect on your current job. What aspects of it do you like? Maybe it’s your coworkers, or your boss, or the company values, or your time with clients/customers, or your time away from clients/customers, or the meetings you have, or something else entirely. The point is that identifying some aspect of your job that you like (if any) is going to result in more clarity for you when you go to make a change. You’ll know what you’d like to keep and what you’d like to shed.
   

4. What aspects of your job do you dislike?
   Similar to the previous question, it’s equally important to get a sense of what you don’t like. Then, when you go to make a change, you can say (with confidence) what you’re looking for in a position and what you’re not looking for. Both are important.
   

5. If you were to change jobs, what would you need to do to ensure it was a successful shift?
   This is just to get your mind going regarding the barriers and bridges that could help you with a career or job change. Think hypothetically about yourself, ask yourself what your best friend would say (or your partner or your family), write about it first thing in the morning in a free-flowing way (i.e. to hell with grammar and structure), draw - do something that can get you outside of your head.

That’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s enough to get your gears grinding (hopefully). It’s not as though this is an easy shift for people to make, and it’s definitely not always the case that you can (or should) make a quick decision without thinking it through just a little bit. When you can answer question five with some confidence, then I’d say you’re closer to making a change than you were previously. And if you’ve known the question to answer five, then maybe it’s time to whittle down a little further and start actually planning that change. Tim is great for that and can help you along the way. It’s hard to go at it alone!

Accepting That People Might Not Like You

This seems funny to talk about, but it’s actually a significant factor in lots of lives. Here's the long and short of it. You will interact with people who don’t like you.  WILL. Not “maybe you can sway them,” but actually, “some people won’t like you.” Period. 

Sit with that.

Is it hard to stomach? Are you feeling okay with it or is it something that makes you feel a little bit icky on the inside?  

Okay, now sit with this. You go to say something to another person and are met with a look of disgust or contempt, and you feel slightly gut-punched because it came out of nowhere and you don’t know what you did wrong. You start reflecting and thinking about what you said, how you said it, what you were thinking about when you said it and if your facial expression was an accurate representation of the message you were trying to relay, if what you said is a trigger for this other person (or could possibly be?!), if you’ve ever had an interaction like that with them before, or if they seemed like they were having a bad day and you shouldn’t have tried to talk to them in the first place.

BLEGH. All of those thoughts race through your head in a matter of 3 seconds. Then you spend the next three days feeling terrible, the three after that figuring out what you should do about it, and then the next three thinking about the next time you see them. At the same time, you start thinking how uncomfortable it’s going to be, how awkward you feel because you’re not even sure what you did wrong in the first place, and then you spend three more days after that acting like you don’t care and trying to let it go. Except one day you randomly think about it (again) which starts the whole process over.

Does that sound more familiar? 

It’s okay if it does! I mean, it doesn’t sound very pleasant, by any means, but it’s okay that the process occurs for you.

My guess is that you don’t feel comfortable with it and want to be able to let go of feeling totally wrapped up with whatever the situation was. 

Realistically, part of existing in life means that people aren’t going to Iike you. It’s going to be based on a variety of factors, some of which you could probably change (but would you want to?) and some of which have nothing to do with you.

Maybe a question to think about and reflect on is whether or not it’s worth it to invest your energy in a person who seems to not like you, or whether it’s time for you to invest your time in working on yourself through counseling with Tim, who specializes in social relationships. I’ll give you a hint - one has a much higher and long-term payoff than the other. 

How to Talk About Issues with a Loved One

This is our bread and butter, really. “How to talk with others” is the shorter version of the title (and is way more general). However, we’re keeping it specific because, while some people struggle with basic conversation (for a variety of reasons), others struggle with bringing up and/or talking about hard things. For the sake of this post, we’re using “hard things” as interchangeable with “issues and problems,” as lots of people feel that way.

So, let’s talk (<- get it). ;)

There’s a very simple and basic structure to having a difficult conversation. And, I know, I know - you probably already know this. Just humor me, yes? My guess is that you wouldn’t be reading this if you were putting the (simple) formula into practice.

To make it easier to understand, let’s go with an example (which is all made up). John is upset with his father, Randy. John is celebrating his first Father’s Day and invited his dad, Randy, to dinner to celebrate with him. Randy declined, saying he’d rather stay in and watch golf. John keeps inviting Randy to do things, but frequently gets turned down and this was the final straw. 

How should John approach this (if at all)?! Let’s dive in, shall we? *One thing to note is that these all come with caveats. So don’t just read the list, make sure to read the details. 

1. State your feelings.
   Simple enough. You should LEAD with your feelings. Rather than approach Randy with criticism and say, “You always let me down!” John should say something to the effect of, “Dad, I’m hurt and disappointed about Father’s Day.”
   
   Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. “But Tara, that’s the same thing!” Sure, on some level, it is. But imagine the first phrase being said to you and tell me that you don’t feel a little bit defensive and then want to counter with, “I don’t always let you down! I was just over there last month!” And sure, the second phrase could (will, depending on the person and situation) evoke a defensive reaction, but it’s less likely and what is there to argue with? I mean, John is, literally, just stating how he feels. He’s not being accusatory or blaming his Dad. Owning his feelings is a healthy move.
   

2. State the situation.
   This is done in a ‘taking ownership’ way. It’s not a “you did this and you did that” sort of way. In essence, this is the description of John’s subjective experience. Subjective because maybe Randy had no idea his wanting to stay in and watch golf would even impact John at all. John should say something like, “I’ve invited you over about four times in the past month and you haven’t stopped by yet. I know you’re busy and I respect that. I’ve tried to accommmodate your schedule and I was hoping Father’s Day would be the perfect day to spend some quality time together.”
   
   Okay, so John is verbose and articulate. Stop judging him. ;)
   
   Well said, John! He nailed it, really. Nothing is wrong with saying “you” if (big “if”) it’s not followed by an accusatory statement. Describing a situation often involves other people, and thus the language of ‘you.’ Just be really intentional with how it’s said.
   

3. State your needs.
   Ah, lastly, John’s needs. This is my favorite part. Basically, just because John states his needs doesn’t mean Randy has to meet them.
   
   Read that again because it’s key.
   
   Just because John states his needs doesn’t mean Randy has to meet them.
   
   Okay, you might be thinking, “Then what’s the point?” The point is to finish a full thought and description of your internal state and needs. And the further point is that you can’t expect people to even attempt to meet your needs if they don’t know what they are. The short version is that it’s to clarify your needs for the other person.
   
   An example of this would be John saying, “Dad. I really just need to know that you care and, honestly, I need to see you more often.”
   

And there you have it. So, let’s string this all together to get the full effect.

John’s Script: 
Dad. I’m hurt and disappointed about Father’s Day. I’ve invited you over about four times in the past month and you haven’t stopped by yet.. I know you’re busy and I respect that. I’ve tried to accommmodate your schedule and I was hoping Father’s Day would be the perfect day to spend some quality time together. Dad. I really just need to know that you care and, honestly, I need to see you more often.

Boom. 

Again, imagine somebody you love saying this to you. I hope you’d react with an internal softening and an, “Oh my gosh. That’s not what I meant or how I feel! I’d love to see you more, too!” But maybe not. Of course, if you’re uncomfortable with this whole thing and don’t know how you’d actually do something like it? Well, there’s always counseling. ;)

Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, 101

It’s hard enough to get in the door for couples therapy or marriage counseling. WE GET IT. Not only do we understand on a personal level, as many of our team have done their own counseling work (what good counselor hasn’t?), but we also understand because we hear what clients say. It’s anxiety-provoking coming in and opening up to, in essence, a stranger. Albeit a well-trained and (hopefully) approachable stranger, but still a person who you don’t really know.

This is in large part why we want people to know what they expect when they come into The Counseling Hub for couples therapy or marriage counseling.

Read on, my friend, and find out if you're in the right place.

1. Couples assessment is key.

This is hard to overemphasize. And it probably seem silly, but it’s really important.

Long and short of it is this. The first two sessions are spent on formal (and informal) assessment (this is in line with Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach, which is who/what we love and is super effective). It’s not uncommon for me to hear about people who have had previous couples counseling that included no assessment period and straight to “solutioning” the problem. This is wrong on so many levels and for a variety of reasons. One main reason for this is that we don’t even fully know what the problem is, so how can we expect to jump straight into a solution?

We can’t.

It's crucial that you and your partner have a rich, thorough assessment first. Think about it like this. Would you want to go to a doctor with a hurt arm, have them look at it from the outside (but not really touch it and not take any scans), and then tell you it's sprained?

Probably not.

Would you want to go to a chiropractor and have your back “fixed” without them doing an x-ray or at least feeling around for what the problem is, including asking about symptoms?

Probably not.

So why would you want to go to a couples counselor and jump straight into “fixing” something if your counselor hasn’t taken enough time to actually find out what the issue is?!

You shouldn’t want that.

Ideally, you'd want your counselor to do the right “testing” to make sure of a) the problem(s), and b) how to approach the problem(s) in a way that’s efficient and gets straight to the root(s).

This is why we do that thorough assessment. If we're not doing one, then we end up doing you (and your relationship) a huge disservice, as well as wasting your time, money, and energy.

2. You and your partner are going to talk.

This one is funny because clients are often surprised by it.

After the assessment and feedback period, you and your partner are doing the vast majority of talking... wait for it... TO EACH OTHER!!

Yes, you read me right. The talking that goes on in the sessions is between you and your partner (the vast majority of the time). The counselor role is to help you navigate the conversations in such a way that you each feel understood, validated, and safe. Our role is to help you dive deep wherever you need to (most clients don’t recognize the opportunities, especially

The philosophy behind this is that you and your partner are going to be on your own (i.e. without the counselor) once you leave, so we want you to actually learn how to do this. We don't want you to talk to us about your partner, especially when they're right there - we want you to talk to each other.

I could go one about this for days, but I'll leave it at that. Ask me if you have questions, though. ;)

3. You decide the destination, but we help with the navigating.

You and your partner might have hot button topics in your relationship, you might have recent fights, you might have old fights with wounds that still haven't healed, and you might have a lack of connection between the two of you. And that could just be the start of it.

We, as couples therapists and marriage counselors, don't care what you talk about, as long as it’s emotionally relevant for you.

Basically, we care that you talk about things that need to be talked about, but that doesn't mean we care what those things are. Does that make sense?

For example, if you need to talk about that time your partner didn't like your spaghetti, we're cool with that! So long as it's actually important and/or meaningful for you, or that you’re still angry/upset/hurt by it. You want to talk about the time that you thought about leaving? Perfect, as long as it’s still relevant/emotional/hard/distressing/important.

We don't care what you talk about in that it can be any topic that's important to you (read: the counselor doesn't choose the topic). This sounds easy enough, in theory, but can be tricky to navigate when you’re sitting on the couch. You might think, “What are we going to talk about?”

And, regardless of what the topic is, we'll have a way of helping your process and make sense of it (it = the fight, the disconnection, the lack of seeing eye to eye, etc.).

And that's that.

I've got nothing else to add. We love relationships of any shape and size. While the language we use frequently implies one partner, please note that we work with consensual non-monogamous relationships, as well.

Partner on, my friends!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with The Counseling Hub, a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri, and an almost doctor (finishing up her PhD). She specializes in couples therapy & marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice. 

You Know What To Do, But Do You DO It?

Here's the scenario. I'm in session with a couple and we start an intervention that requires stating things from a personal perspective for one person and listening and summarizing for the other (without giving their interpretation or jumping into why). Easy peasy, right?

WRONG. 

Here's another scenario. I'm doing supervision with students and I say, "Focus more on (counseling microskill) with client x" and students says, "I do that!" So we watch their recorded session and they find out what I've suspected the whole time - there's little evidence that they're doing the thing they thought they were doing (say that five times fast!).

Are you getting my point, yet? 

It's simple, really.

My point is that knowing something is absolutely not the same thing as doing it.

Theory vs. Application

If I were to tell you to go watch a breakdancing video (seriously, they're pretty amazing) and then do what they're doing on the screen, you'd probably give me a look like I'm an idiot. Rightfully so. Most people can't do the things that breakdancers can. 

Or, even better, if I were to say, "Hey, friend, go watch Bobby Fischer play a game of chess and then see if you can beat him!" Again, you'd look at me like I was an idiot. Because, at some level, you know you can't beat him by not practicing the game on your own. Realistically, the majority of the population can't beat him because, I mean, he was one of the greats. 

Why, then, if I say, "Hey, we're going to adopt a new way of communicating with each other," am I frequently met with, "I already know how to do that?" You'd be shocked at how many people think they know how to do it and then, when the time comes to actually do it, have to think really hard about how to say something, about setting aside their own agenda, and about being fully present for what their partner is saying. 

It's not a given skill to have - it's learned and gets better with practice.

I also don't know why people think it's just a natural thing they can do (some can, but most cannot), but my speculation is that it's just 'talking' and 'listening.' Allegedly, those things are 'easy' to do. 

Again, WRONG.

Knowing something is one thing. Actually being able to successfully do it? That's something else entirely.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not removed from this. I mess up all the time, in fact (just ask my husband). I say things wrong, I claim to be listening when I'm not, and I assume that I'm doing the thing I set out to do.

Doing things wrong isn't the issue. The issue is when we do it wrong, but think we're doing it right, and then make it seem like the other person is the one with the problem (because we haven't messed anything up!!). This ties back in with owning your stuff, actually. 

Practice

I'm writing this because I've been thinking about students and clients a lot lately (all the time, really), and I'm coming to find that people (myself included, at times) often think they're done when, in fact, they've just started. 

Long story short is this. 

We get better at things that a) we practice, and b) we get feedback on. The feedback piece is to actually make sure we're doing the thing we set out to do. We can't know how we're coming across unless we're recording ourselves or unless we have an outside perspective (*coughcough:: therapist::coughcough*) who's relaying back to us how we're coming across. OR giving us language that we don't have the experience to use. 

So, my point with this? You might think you're done, or that you've arrived, or that you're stellar at the thing you don't frequently practice but know all about, but you're probably not. Be open to that and embrace learning skills in a new way and with feedback (from a loving or supportive source). 

And I'm out.

Be well, my friends!

Engaging Emotionally with Your Partner

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

— M. Scott Peck

One of the most common themes I see between hetero couples (some same-gender couples, but lots of hetero) is that they are speaking two different languages.

Not literally, obviously, but they may as well be. Couples will come into session, feeling infuriated, misunderstood, and irritated with the other. She's upset because he's not listening. He's upset because she doesn't make any sense. They both are trying to say their piece, but aren't getting through to one another.

My couple sessions, especially, are Gottman style (to the extent possible - I'm not fully certified at this point, but I've done the Level 1 training and will be continuing with the other trainings to get fully certified). This means that one piece of the first session is to have couples engage in a 'conflict discussion.' I tell them that they're open to talk about any conflict in their life - they can get mad, they can stay calm, or they can sit and stare daggers at each other. I just want them to talk about something they disagree on so that I can assess the four horsemen and conflict style. Both of which are important (surprisingly, the content of an argument isn't important - it's the style and presence of the horsemen that are telling). SO - I have couples engage in conflict discussion and then, more often than not, I notice one thing. I mean, there's lots of things to notice, but this piece is usually one of the first to show up. It's when couples are firing right past each other without realizing what the other is trying to say.

For instance, she says that she doesn't like when he goes out with his family because his brother is a bad influence. She doesn't trust his brother. He responds by saying that he hasn't done anything stupid with his brother in five years and that she's living in the past. She says she knows he's right, but that she doesn't like it. He asks for an example regarding why she doesn't like it. And so on and so forth. No resolution. In this case, no hatred or vile anger - just not being on the same page.

Here's the common theme - it's emotion-focused coping versus solution-focused coping. 

Emotion-Focused 
This is about the feelings and thoughts behind an issue. It's the experience of the issue and there's no need to come to a solution. The solution is in the process, meaning that in talking about it, people feel better. This is what lots of women bring into the session (DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL WOMEN FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY - THIS IS A BROAD BRUSH STROKE). You can see this in the example above. She's trying to tell him that she's feeling nervous and uncomfortable about him going. She's heard his stories and doesn't like to think of him cavorting around as a single male. She's nervous.

Solution-Focused
If you couldn't already tell at this point, with hetero couples, this is where the men generally (not all the time) fall. And you can see it in the example above. He, on the other hand, doesn't understand why she doesn't trust his brother, why she's even talking about this, and why she won't hear him when he explains that she's mistaken. He's trying to solve each problem that she brings up by giving her responses to the content of what she's saying. 

Both parties are missing each other. 

The good news? This isn't really that big of a fix. I mean, it's habitual (probably partly genetic/biological and partly social), but it's not impossible, by any means, to change some things up and help both parties be heard even better.

Two quick things that can be done?

1. Emotion-focused coper can learn to clearly articulate the feeling of what they're going through, as well as clearly state that they don't need an answer or solution right away, they just want to talk about their feelings. 
2. Solution-focused coper can learn to refrain from offering solutions right away and, instead, allow for partner to share feelings. A step further might even be attuning to those feelings by saying things like, "Sounds like you're anxious. Tell me about it." Or, "I'm sorry you're nervous about this. I wish I knew how to help you."

Also important - after an emotion-focused coper feels heard, the cherry on the sundae is that the solution-focused coper can then share their solution! Yippee!! This can come in one of two ways - the emotion-focused coper can state or ask for a solution to their problem, or the solution-focused coper can ask, "Would you be open to a suggestion of mine? I'd love to help you out with this, but I want to make sure you're in a place you can hear it."

Both parties will be happier, feel more heard, and feel more engaged with each other, rather than feeling confused, mistreated, and upset.