What to Do If You Want to Make A Change In Your Life

I wish there was one magical thing I could say that would make making changes easier- but I can’t. Making changes or working through transitions can be scary, even if we know that they could benefit us in various ways, there is something comforting about consistency. What happens when you think you want to make a transition but aren’t sure? Here you’ll read a bit about how to consider all options, remember change is typically never final, and learn a bit about the process of change.

Weigh It Out: Pros and Cons

Ambivalence is a term used to describe feeling unsure that one way is better than another. That might be one reason you’re stuck. You might be stuck due to fear of negative consequences. Perhaps you’ve considered making some life changes, but you’re not quite ready for the action. Well, that age old advice of writing out pros and cons is something that us in the mental health field call engaging in a decisional balance. Most therapists are going to urge a person to explore these pros and cons when a person is considering change. This technique is helpful when you are considering change but are unsure or feel like one side of the change is overwhelming, scary, or bad. I love demystifying the process of therapy and so the secret of having a successful decisional balance is having another person highlight outcomes that may not have been thought of independently. In other words, talk out all the pros and all the cons with a trusted friend, family member, religious leader, or therapist. Exploring all possible outcomes can help you make a decision that you feel both hopeful and confident in. Moreover, having another person present to supportively challenge any irrational thoughts of beliefs may help the one overwhelming side feel less overwhelming. Either way, engaging in a decisional balance is especially helpful if impulsive decisions are something you have a tendency for since change is scary. Contemplating both pros and cons is something that any serious decision should stand. Another piece of advice when making a big decision is remembering that rarely anything is final.  

Keep In Mind: Nothing Is Final (Typically Speaking)

Although we think or feel like something will last forever, most things aren’t final, except for death. If you make a transition that is difficult or things didn’t go as planned, you can modify what it is that you have done. Something might be harder than others to modify- like deciding that ending a relationship wasn’t a good choice and now the other party isn’t willing to engage. But you can modify your behaviors next time you start to think breaking up or separating is a good idea. Remember that if you take a change and try something, and then it doesn’t work the first time- inspect what went well and what didn’t go so well and try something adjusting.

Reflect- What Are You Really Afraid Of?

Would I really be a therapist if I didn’t suggest reflection on your feelings?! Answer this question: what is stopping me from making this decision? Better yet, answer this question: what feeling is coming up that is stopping me from making this change? This is something we typically end up exploring in individual therapy. For example, you can tell your friends that you don’t want to move because it costs too much money, but what does it mean to spend your money? Maybe you grew up watching your parents struggle financially for what they had and you learned that money is precious. Therefore moving would make you feel guilty for spending something that people struggle for. Guilt is a trigger for you and so you may be afraid of feeling that way. Reflecting on your internal experience and what it means can help shed some light if you are feeling stuck in making a transition. Once you’ve learned what is stopping you, you will be able to see a clearer picture of what transition you are appraising and can make an informed decision.

Know where you’re at

I think that half of the battle of change is knowing where you’re at. One of my favorite models of all time (actually used often with understanding addiction- just fun fact!) is Prochaska and De Clemente’s Transtheoretical Model of Change (1982)- also known as their stages of change model. It may sound like a mouthful but hang on and I’ll break it down for ya. The model is a stage model that is a circle because they recognized change is often very hard and people relapse back into old patterns of behavior. Since it’s a circle there isn’t really a “first” stage, but we will call pre-contemplation first stage. Pre-contemplation is when a person is engaging in a behavior and they are not considering change at this time. Let’s use an example- you are experiencing angry outbursts while waiting in lines. In pre-contemplation you have no desire to address your anger. Maybe you think it’s not productive, but there is not enough internal or external motivating factors for you to need to consider change yet. Pre-contemplation is just that; before you begin to consider change.

The second stage in the stages of change model is contemplation. Contemplation stage is when you’re considering change. Considering might be when you’re doing your pros and cons which was discussed earlier. You may daydream about different outcomes, but no changes in behaviors have occurred. In our angry outbursts example, you may have recognized that your temper in lines can be a problem. Perhaps you’re a prominent figure in the town and you want to maintain an appearance, or you feel out of control and don’t like your behavior- either way, you want to change. You begin considering different ways you could respond to your anger- such as walking away, taking deep breaths, or consider seeking counseling. Again, this isn’t where implementation of change occurs quite yet.

The next stage is preparation. Some things don’t require a lot of preparation such as choosing to get a trim at the hair place, while others may take many longer steps, such as filing for a divorce. Preparation are behaviors, thoughts, and feelings which allow a person to implement change. For instance, if you decide you want to see a counselor to gain some insight why those lines make you so irritated, preparation might look like calling around to different counseling offices, telling your partner you need to fit the money into the budget to pay for counseling, or asking off time from work to attend counseling sessions. The actual change has not occurred until the next step: action.

The action stage is what we have been waiting for! This stage is where one begins implementing the change they want to see. This maybe going to the counseling sessions and engaging in the reflection of anger when having an outburst. It may look like practicing skills in the line which could help you feeling calmer when you feel the tension rising. This is where change occurs, but it’s not the final step.

The last stage towards progress (but not the final stage) is maintenance. Change over a period of time, or when you’ve relapsed- aka falling back into old patterns- is the hardest part for a lot of people. Maintenance is when the new behavior replaces the old behavior you don’t want anymore. This is when you might still feel tense standing in lines, but you’re not ready to pounce on the first person who gets in your way. Maintenance is hard work as it takes a lot of effort to resist old patterns of behavior. This stage is one that if you’re not actively keeping in check, you’re likely to fall into relapse.

Relapse doesn’t have to be full on back to old patterns of behavior; with yelling angrily at others in line. It can be simpler slips back which are opposite from the desired behavior, like feeling tense and not practicing some deep breaths. Once a person has relapsed, they may begin the cycle again by hanging out in pre-contemplation- or they may snap right back into action. Again, the good thing about this model is that it’s not a destination; it’s suggests that our behaviors are always evolving and so with relapse there can be hope of sustained change in the future.

There are a couple things to keep in mind about this model. First, this wheel is not uni-directional. What that means is that it doesn’t just go from first stage to second and so on. A person can be in action stage and revert to preparation at any time. Another thing to consider is that change can occur rapidly or slowly. You might be in pre-contemplation for months before deciding you need to change a behavior and then over the next week you might fly through the rest of the stages. All of this to say that knowing where you’re at can help shed some light on where you should go. If you’re considering a transition, you can gage where you’re at on the transtheoretical model of change to determine how far you have come and how far you still must go.

Taking a chance and living through transitions are difficult tasks. Knowing if you’re making the best decision for yourself can be blurred when you haven’t fully completed a decisional balance, explored deeper meanings, and feel like the change is permanent. Knowing what stage of change you’re in will help enlighten your experience through your process of change. Change is not easy. Taking a chance is not easy. Doing the things in this blog will not guarantee that you will successfully navigate a change or transition, however, my hope is that it will help you feel a little more at ease and comforted in the fact that you’re making the best decision that you can. If making a change seems daunting even after reading this, contacting us to get set up would be another great change to make! Our team is dedicated to helping individuals take the steps towards where they would like to be in their life.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons | PLPC | Individual & Couples Counselor

Molly is has received her Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU). Molly received the Outstanding Student Award rewarded to one person in the graduating class. Molly is a PLPC at The Counseling Hub. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

How To Celebrate Pride Month

You may have seen the flags and Facebook profile filters indicating it’s pride month but you maybe asking yourself what do people do during this month. Pride month is in June every year and it celebrates all those who identify as gender or sexual minorities- also known as the LGBTQ+ community. This began as just a Gay Pride Day for many cities beginning in 1969 to commemorate the Stonewall riots in Manhattan (Library of Congress, 2019). The month is dedicated to celebrate the struggles and successes of those who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community and is filled with parties, parades, and community events. You might be asking yourself what a person celebrates for a whole month and I would be happy to answer that! Pride month is not just a month of getting wild and showing off your colors, it’s also a time to reflect on diversity and it’s implications. A time to be thankful that all love and expression is okay. It’s a time to enjoy what makes each of us unique. One great way to celebrate Pride month is to become an ally.

Become An Ally

So, many of you may think that all this stuff is great and all, but you might not identify as part of the LBGTQ+ community. You may want to wish everyone all the happiness in the world but don’t know what to do from there. One thing that you can do is become an ally. An ally is an individual who doesn’t identify as a gender or sexual minority but shows support for equal rights and fair treatment.

Becoming an ally doesn’t have to be an official act- like signing up on a website or registry. It can be as simple as telling others that you are one. The main point of being an ally is to show support, and support can be as vibrant as participating in parades or walks, voting and lobbying, petitioning, seeking out support groups like the Gay-Straight-Alliance, or pushing for more accepting work practices. It could also look like having a rainbow sticker on your car, talking about LGBTQ+ issues with friends, or wearing a button that says ally. Any of these show your support for the community as an ally. We frequently mention being allies at The Counseling Hub, participate in PrideFest in Columbia, offer sexual identity counseling, and enjoy educating on this month!

Why Is Being An Ally So Important?

I will make an assumption here that everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are and becoming an ally signals to the LGBTQ+ individuals in your life that you’re accepting them for who they are. Here are some scary statistics:

·      In 2012 the National Coalition for the Homeless and The Williams Institute at UCLA found that 40% of the youth being served in homeless shelters identified as LGBTQ+.

·      2010 American Progress Organization reported that LGB youth are 4 to 6 times as likely to attempt suicide. This creates a 30% suicide rate for LGB teens (2018)

·      2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey indicated that 41% of trans teens have attempted suicide.

These statistics indicate that individuals of the LGBTQ+ community are in need of people to support them. It’s not unheard of for individuals who identify as a gender or sexual minority to have family members who reject them which can lead to tremendous amounts of mental health, financial, and safety issues. Becoming an ally will signal that you’re a safe person that generally cares about others well being despite their identity.

Thinking About Writing Prompts

Being a counselor, I believe in the power of self-reflection. Spending time thinking deeply about something can be cathartic and peaceful. One way you can celebrate all month (or year) long is by reflecting through writing. Here are some writing prompts to help you maintain mindfulness of support and awareness. There are enough to respond to two a week.

·      When did you first hear about gender and sexual minorities (i.e., Lesbian, Gay, Trans, ect)?

·      What were your thoughts and feelings after learning that someone you knew identified as a gender or sexual minority?

·      What are your thoughts and feelings when someone has been treated unfairly?

·      When was a time you were treated unfairly?

·      What does it mean to have Pride in something?

·      Describe a time when you faced adversity?

·      Reflect on how your gender affects your life.

·      Reflect on how your sexual orientation affects your life.

·      What is your comfortability discussing your sexual orientation/gender? Are there any times you feel uncomfortable?

·      Imagine and write about a day if you were a different gender or had a different sexual orientation.

Let’s Party!

Everyone likes to have a good time (again, I am making an assumption). With that said, Pride month is a celebration and therefore there are lots of parties, parades, and get togethers. In most major cities, you’re going to be able to Google and find at least one parade full of rainbows, sparkles, and smiles. For instance, downtown Columbia hosts an annual Mid-MO Pride Fest which is often one Saturday during Pride month. In fact, you may have seen us there before handing out swag and raffling gift baskets! In the larger cities, like St. Louis and Kansas City, they also have annual Pridefests one weekend a month. You can also go bigger! New York has the largest Pride celebration in the United States which spans the entire month of June. If you want to experience Pride, going to a parade and celebrating LGBTQ+ struggles and contributions to society is one very fun way to do it. You will be immersed in a world that you may have no experience in, but it will be awesome!

Join a Group

            There are many different groups that show support to the LGBTQ+ community. Groups allow bridges between ally’s and the LGBTQ+ community. Some groups do community outreach, lobbying, or have regular meetings. During meetings education may be given to the friends and family of those who identify as LGBTQ+, dialogue about changes in policies, and feedback about what is going on in the organization or community is discussed. One group you can join is the Gay-Straight-Alliance (GSA) which often occurs at organizational levels (at schools, for example). These groups can be located using the GSA network website. There may also be unofficial groups in your area ran by local individuals.

Another group that you can join is the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). HRC is one of the largest civil rights campaigns which help those who identify as gender or sexual minorities. HRC’s symbol is a blue box with a yellow equal sign (you may have seen it around town on cars) and you can receive free stickers by simply requesting. The HRC was developed in 1980 and works with the legal system for equal care for those who are LGBTQ+. Their website is full of merchandise which help pay for lobbying and supporting those in need, blogs, and annual data reports. Joining a group can not only solidify you as an ally, it can further help support those in your community who identify as LGBTQ+.

Pride month is a celebration for those who identify as gender or sexual minorities. It’s a time to celebrate with friends and family that they might be different, but different isn’t bad. It’s a time to embrace differences of love and gender expressions of all kinds. Celebrating Pride month doesn’t necessarily mean that you identify with the LGBTQ+ community, rather, you’re excited that we live in a world where acceptance is celebrated. Becoming and ally can be one thing you do to celebrate pride month. An ally can help the LGBTQ+ community know they’re not alone on their quest for acceptance. You can be an ally in vibrant or subtle ways, but the important thing is to provide support. Another way that you can celebrate pride month is joining in the festivities, joining a group, and reflecting on your own attitudes and beliefs. Happy Pride Month y’all!

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Molly Lyons - PLPC

INDIVIDUAL AND COUPLES COUNSELING

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

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Resources

Library of Congress. (2019). About Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Pride Month.Retrieved from https://www.loc.gov/lgbt-pride-month/about/  

Center for Disease Control. 2018. LGBTQ Health. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm

National Coalition for the Homeless. 2018. Retrieved from: http://nationalhomeless.org/issues/lgbt/

National Alliance on Mental Illness. 2018. LGBTQ. Retrieved from: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/LGBTQ

The Williams Institute. 2012. Retrieved from: http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Durso-Gates-LGBT-Homeless-Youth-Survey-July-2012.pdf

Demystifying the Process: How to End Counseling

Terminating the Session

You’ve made it! You and your therapist have decided that it’s time to end therapy. The length of therapy can vary for everyone. There could be many reasons such as: you may have reached your therapeutic goals, you may have to relocate, or maybe you have just decided it is not the right time (although anytime is a good time for mental health!). Either way, you’re ready for your last session. Just like the intake session, the termination session is a bit different than other sessions you have had. Experiencing a healthy good-bye is a powerful thing so it’s important to have a termination session. We want to provide you with a little of what to expect from it.

Layout of the session

Generally speaking, there are several things that will happen during the termination session. First, expect to reflect on what work you’ve done in (and out) of the therapy room. The whole point of therapy is to get you to where you feel confident that you have the resources to live connected, happy, and fully on your own. If you don’t reflect on where you’ve grown, you will not realize how much strength you have and may doubt that you are ready for termination.

Once you’ve talked about your progress, your therapist may want to talk about what to do when you don’t have them around. Handling the world on your own maybe scary and so it’s good to talk through what you can do before something big happens. In fact, you and your therapist may decide to schedule a follow up session several months out just to check in and see how things are going.

Another topic that is sure to be discussed will be the emotions around ending the relationship. You may or may not have ever had someone by your side that unconditionally supports you. This type of relationship is a very intimate one that is unlike any other and realizing it’s going to end maybe a hard pill to swallow.

Why does it feel like the world is crashing down again?!

You may have been completely prepared for this day. Although it may be a time to celebrate any progress you have made, you may be having second thoughts. Do I need just a few more sessions? Is there work I still need to do before I end it? But wait, what about this huge emergency that just came up!? Take a breath. It’s normal to feel some anxiety about ending therapy. Losing a supporter may feel earth shattering, but remember this: You are the reason you have come so far. All your therapist has done is shown you the self-esteem you have within you.

But what if you really aren’t ready to end your journey of self-healing? A few things come to mind. First, you and your therapist will have spent some time talking about the ending of therapy already. It’s not just an “in the moment” decision and your input is what the decision has been based upon. Second, your therapist will not leave you to drown. If your work is not complete, then your therapist will have referrals for you. Finally, it maybe a test run. You could try out your new skills and if you need your therapist, they’ll be right back there with you.

Is it okay to…?

You may feel deeply appreciative for the guidance of your therapist during your time together. Many things may come up at the last session that you may have never thought of before. You may want to give them a special gift, ask to be their friend, or give your therapist a hug. Spending so much intimate time together with another human is bound to create strong bonds, so it’s not uncommon for you to have these ideas. Accepting a gift will depend on the therapist. What will happen (with us anyway- we can’t speak for all therapist in the world) will be a discussion about what the gift means. Gifts are often symbolic, and your therapist might want to explore what it means for you to give the gift and for your therapist to receive it. Asking to be a friend of your therapist might be disappointing. Although they truly like you as a person, they’re probably not going to be your “friend” or grab coffee and shoot shit (this a whole different blog post about why, but nutshell version is that it’s unfair to you). Lastly, giving your therapist a hug will likely be the therapist’s personal and professional preference. You might want to check that it's okay before you go in for the hug and, just as with the gift, your therapist may want to talk with you about what the hug means. We aren’t trying to dissect you every move, but just like you might not like chocolate cake; they might not like hugs.

Your therapist feels it, too!

When you and your therapist sit down and talk about the deepest and most vulnerable parts of you and your journey, it’ll have an effect on your therapist too. Although it might seem like they “always” have their stuff together, therapists are human too. They’ll likely be moved by your strength and determination. Your progress, no matter how large or small, is something that your therapist will want to celebrate.

Remember, this is not forever.

We don’t aim to be repetitive, but, what your therapist wants most for you is to feel like you have the capability and tools to face whatever life throws your way. This means that even though your therapist would love to see you and work with you more, the hope is that you can leave therapy and never have to come back. But, old habits die hard and life can be crazy and unpredictable. It is okay to come back to therapy if you need it (read: its’s not a sign of failure). In the event that you need therapy again (or you want to write a letter to update your therapist on your continued progress), your therapist will be there, ready to help you through life’s trenches. Life’s trenches are full of constant transitions, and your therapist gets that. We aren’t trying to cut all ties, but we were not meant to be a permanent part of your life.

The termination session can be emotionally charged. It may be a time of grief over the separation, happiness over the accomplishments, and nervousness over the future. Hopefully, you can spend the whole time talking about the progress you made and how you will handle life in the future. You may or may not want to show your appreciation of your therapist- both are fine! Maybe you’ll need a follow up session or maybe you’ll need referrals. No matter how the session goes, it’s important to remember that you are the reason you have come so far. You have put in hard work and have the strength to continue your journey. You are amazing.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Goal Setting: the Process of Counseling

Treatment Goals

The first session has passed (here’s what you can expect from it, in case you missed it) and your therapist wants to know what you think the goals of therapy should be. You may think that it’s obvious: to decrease whatever behavior or thoughts you came into therapy for.

Technically, you’re correct. Goals are, in essence, the “end game” of therapy. The purpose of therapeutic goals are to get you to a point where you feel confident that you can live your life the way you want to live it. Treatment goals are a collaboration between you and your therapist. We want you to know that your therapist will want to work on whatever it is you want to work on. There might also be times where your therapist might have ideas of some possibilities to work on. These generally come as a result of sitting with you for prolonged periods and seeking things that you haven’t noticed or realized before. And although you may (or may not) know what it is you want to work on, that may leave you wondering how you’ll get there.

How do I know what my goals should be?

The first thing that’s important in setting up treatment goals is to identify what exactly you want to do. If you are depressed, you may want to feel happier. If you’re fighting with your partner, you may want to figure out how to communicate those feelings. If you feel out of control, you may not recognize that what you want to work on is assertiveness. It may sound simple (it is, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy). However, sometimes we are not sure what we want and we’re especially not sure how to get specific with setting goals.

This is where your therapist comes in. They’re skilled at helping you in recognizing what it is that will be helpful to work. Also, it’s good to remember that your goals are for you. If you are not diggin’ one of your goals, it’s important to share that with you therapist. They can’t know that you are not fully on board if you don’t tell them!

Anywho, identifying your goals means that you’re honest with your therapist and yourself. It means being open to feedback that other significant people around you may have. It also means that you may have to spend some time inspecting what it is that you really want or need from therapy.

How do I get to my “big” goals?

So you’ve identified what it is that you want to work on in therapy. Let’s stick with our example of you want to feel happier. Great goal! That’s not an uncommon goal in therapy. The question, then, is how do you get there? One thing to do is to break the main goal into smaller goals. For instance, you will not (and should not) think that going to a few sessions will instantly make you feel happier all the time. That would be awesome if it did, but in order to achieve your goal of being happier, you may have to set the goal of finding something practical that makes you happy. Small, achievable, things that make you happy on a daily basis may set an overtone of happiness in your life and add considerably to your overarching goal in therapy. As easy as it sounds, you’ll spend more time than you think you will talking this out with your therapist in order to identify how you can make small, measurable goals to achieve your big goal.

An important factor in making small goals is that they must be realistic. For a person who is seeking happiness in their life, feeling happy all the time may not be realistic. Happiness is appropriate for happy times. If a person who is dealing with the death of a loved one expects to be happy all the time, they may be disappointed when they do feel sadness. Realistic goals are goals that are actually attainable. Not only is that helpful for feeling better (actually able to achieve your goals), but even more, being unrealistic is a good way to make yourself feel bad if you don’t meet your goal.

Another important component of goal setting is celebrating the small steps towards the big goal. Sometimes in our journey, healing may seem endless. The big picture may seem impossible and there may be a lot of small goals. Both the big picture goal and the small goals may feel overwhelming. It’s important to celebrate the small successes because that means you are one step closer towards the life that you want to live!

How will I know if I am getting anywhere?

You’ve been working hard in therapy, but is it really working? Some days it feels like it, others it doesn’t. In order to tell if you’re making progress, goals must be evaluated. You won’t know how you’re doing if you don’t step back and review your work. Evaluation may look different for different people. It may also look different depending on what your goal is. Some individuals may look at their progress and need tangible evidence, such as, a count of how many times they did a certain behavior in a day. Other’s may seek feedback from important individuals they may be struggling with such as asking a spouse their perception. Yet others may self-reflect. Whatever method you choose, it is important to share your evaluation with your therapist and then shift into maintaining the goals/changes in your life.

What if my goals are not going anywhere?

Your evaluation of your goals should, and will, inform the process of therapy. Something important to remember is that treatment goals are for you. You and your therapist may discover that work you’re doing with your goals isn’t working. If what you’re doing is not working, you can redefine what it is that you want from your goal and how you will get there. It may be as simple as adjusting one of the smaller goals to help your big goal. Some goals may get marked off the list as you progress through therapy, while others may trigger an entirely new goal. It’s also possible (maybe even probable) that goals will evolve with you in a cycle of self-improvement.

How will I know when I am done?

Knowing you are done with a goal might be obvious or subtle. If you and your counselor are evaluating your goals frequently, then it maybe easier to tell when you have reached a goal than if you are not evaluating frequently. It may also be important to remember that sometimes we’re never fully “done.” Goals are great when you can say, “I completed this!” but oftentimes when people are under pressure they may revert to old patterns of behavior or thoughts. That is okay. Really. The beauty of therapy is that your therapist is there to help you if you need them. Just because you may have met a goal once, doesn’t mean it’s a forever change. It means it’s a change that you’ve successfully made and now know you can make when you slip up into old habits. You will likely need to intermittingly practice a goal that has been met once already. That’s expected!

When do I start?

Typically, goals should be set during some of the first few sessions. A general rule of thumb is that goals should be set in writing with a clear process by the third session. However, a lot of therapists will want to know what goals you want to work on by the end of the first session. Goals are a very important part of therapy. Without setting goals, you (and your therapist) are likely to feel lost and unproductive (think of floating in water with no island in mind- where would you even start swimming?!).

A recap of what goals should look like is: they should inform the therapy process; be a collaboration between you and your therapist; have smaller, measurable goals; be frequently evaluated; and, can be modified whenever they are not working. Goals are for you. Our team is just here to help you out along the way! Happy goal setting!

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About the Author

Molly Lyons- Counseling Intern

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Clearing Up the Process: The Intake Session

You’ve done it! You’ve signed up for therapy and are awaiting the next chapter of your story to begin. You may have been to therapy before (or maybe you haven’t), but either way, it can be nerve wracking. Finding someone you fit with and (generally) it being someone you have never met can be daunting.

What should you wear? What should you say? Should you cry at the first session? How much do you really want to tell your therapist? What if you don’t like your therapist?

These questions are ones that people may ask themselves before their first session. The first session is unlike the following sessions, and therefore it can feel like a strange encounter. The first session is known in the “counseling world” as the intake session. The purpose of the intake session is for the therapist and you to create the most whole and accurate picture of you as possible. In other words, this is a time where your therapist goes over all there is to know (as if that’s possible in one session) about you to help gather a picture to help you both out. One way in which your therapist gets to know you is through the use of forms. There are probably going to be a lot of forms you must fill out. These could include informed consent, intake forms, release of information, questionnaires, and so on.

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Informed Consent

This is the most important document that you want to read with a careful eye. We aren’t trying to slide anything past you, but we really want you to know what it says. An informed consent is super important to not only the therapist, but for you as well.

Essentially, the document lays out the framework for the legal and logistical parts of therapy. The informed consent will likely be packed with information such as social media policies, mandated reporting laws, what will happen to your file if your therapist expires, payment arrangements, cancellation policies, confidentiality statements, and anything else that your therapist may think is important.

Intake Forms

This is likely to be the form that takes you and your therapist the most time to digest. The purpose of the intake form is to get as much information as possible about you that could inform the therapeutic process. For our team, the intake is online so you can take your time thinking of the answers! Then, we go over it together.

So many different domains are associated with mental health therefore your intake form is probably going to be longer than any other form you must fill out. Most of the time the form will begin with questions to gather basic information; What’s your name? Where do you live? What is your birthday? How do you identify your gender? Race or ethnicity? Therapists know that age, gender, and ethnicity can influence certain disorders differently than persons of differing age, gender, and ethnicity. Also, in the first part of the intake, you will find questions that inquire about work, living arrangements, and education. Our mental health can negatively influence these areas of our lives and it is good to know if these areas are ones that can be positively influenced by therapy. The next sections are not necessarily in this particular order; however, they are all generally included in the intake forms.

Relationships are invaluable as social supports during times when you may feel like you are not feeling like you. Your intake form will want to know about all the types of relationships you have had since you were a child. Did you have supportive parents or siblings? If not, who were your role models? Do you have friends that you can talk to when you are feeling down? Do you have a significant other? If so, do you feel happy with that relationship? Do you have a relationship with spiritual or religious beliefs? All these various relationships can be important when discussing what supports you when you are not in the therapy office.

Being honest with your therapist is crucial. Therapists know how difficult it can be to talk about hard things you may have experienced (i.e., neglect, childhood abuse, family or parent substance abuse, couples conflict), but they also know how much of a need it is and relief it feels to get it off your chest. Although that doesn’t all (i.e. getting it out) come within the first session, we are prepping for the opportunity ahead of you!

There will be questions about previous therapy. Your therapist will want to know if you have been in therapy before. Did someone refer you to therapy? Were you ever hospitalized for psychiatric purposes? Do you take any psychotropic medications? If so, what are they? Most likely, your therapist will inquire what you liked and disliked about previous therapists and what previous goals were. Your therapist may also want to know what you expect from your new therapy. How long should it last? What do you want to see change from the beginning to the conclusion of therapy? Last, your therapist will want to know in your own words why you are coming in. What exactly is happening so that you sought out therapy? Knowing what you have accomplished in previous work and what you expect from current therapy will inform your therapists approach.

Typically, towards the end of the intake form, your therapist will want to know if there is anything else that you want them to know about you. This is a great opportunity for you to expound on any of the answers your previously provided. Also, towards the end of the form, your counselor will ask you to write your strengths. You are so strong and have come so far in life! Your therapist will want to know how you have made life work and then help you find even more strengths within yourself.

Release of information

Although release of information may not be discussed in every intake session, it is good to know about.

A release of information is a form that allows your therapist to speak with other professionals you may visit. In the therapy world when many professionals come together to help the health and well-being of an individual it is called collaborative care. Your therapist may ask you if you would like your other health-care professionals to be able to communicate with them. Collaborating with other professionals can enhance the effectiveness of therapy in many ways. Therapists often spend more time with clients than other health professionals. Because of this inequal amount of time, therapists can act as an advocate for their client if there are any concerns.

If you agree to a collaborative care approach, you will be signing a release of information. On a release of information form there should be specific information; who can the therapist speak with, when the form will expire, and what you can do if you decide to retract the form. As mentioned previously though, it might not be discussed in session because it might not be of interest to you. This is not required.

Questionnaires

Not as if you have had enough papers to fill out, your therapist may ask you to fill out some questionnaires. These questionnaires may be completed at different time intervals such as weekly, monthly, or every three months. Questionnaires serve a purpose, but the purpose may vary.

First, to get a baseline. For therapists, they cannot know where to go if they don’t know where you are. A baseline is an understanding of where you currently are so that your therapist can help you move to where you want to be.

Second, questionnaires can potentially help identify what it is that you are experiencing. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether or not it’s anxiety, depression, obsessions, and so forth. Tentatively identifying what you are experiencing helps inform treatment.

Last, questionnaires can identify when you may need immediate help. It can be very uncomfortable to talk about thoughts of suicide or homicide, but it’s important to talk about it. Research has consistently backed up that directly questioning is the best way to help an individual who is at an extreme end of harming self or others. When you indicate that those thoughts are present, it’s important that your therapist can help you right away.

So now… Let’s talk about it!

So, you have filled out the mountains of forms. You are ready to go in and spill your guts to your therapist. Before you do, it is important to know that the first session will mostly be information gathering. This will not be a normal therapy session. I repeat: this will not be a normal therapy session. This session is to gather more information from you, really a sense of who you are (and for you to meet and get a sense of your therapist), provide you an opportunity to elaborate on any of your answers on your intake form. During this session you may often feel the need to focus on the critical aspects that drew you to therapy; but, as urgent as those feel, you probably won’t get the chance to talk about them in depth. Not that your therapist doesn’t want to hear about the things you’re coming in for! They totally do (or should if they are a good fit).

They are also tasked with getting the biggest view of you as possible, that way they can pinpoint how to move forward and help you find what works for you. If you come in and talk about your problem before your therapist can fully understand you as a person, they may not be able to provide you the most individualized help. The intake session can feel like a weird encounter. You may hear your therapist say, “That sounds really important, and I want to come back to that, but for now, I need to know…” You are also welcome to say, “I know that we have to get through all this stuff, but I want to make sure we talk about…” That way your therapist knows that a specific topic is very important to you.

In summary, there are a lot of forms. These forms give your therapist a clear understanding of who you are so that both of you can make the most informed decisions as possible. You need to carefully read through the informed consent document and decide if there are any release of information forms you would like to fill out. Also, be prepared for more questions as your therapist may want to use a questionnaire. Finally, be prepared to talk about all the forms. The intake session can be quite nerve wracking, but hopefully, you will have a positive experience and you are able to begin your journey towards health!

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About The Author

Molly Lyons- Counseling Intern

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

How to Find a Counselor

How to Find a Counselor

Individual and Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

We get this question frequently - not only from family, friends, and strangers, but also from people who call in. For whatever reason, if they can't schedule with us for individual counseling or couples counseling, they still need to find somebody to work with. And leaving a caller in need without offering resources or help is not something we do.

Here are some things to keep in mind and ways to find a counselor in your area.

But first (as per usual), some additional information.

Finding a counselor isn't a one and done process. Our team practices counseling (obviously), but we also attend counseling as clients. And while I can only speak about this next part for myself, I'm sure there's a general consensus among us, I LOVE counseling. It's absolutely an enormous part of who I am and what I find meaningful and valuable in the world.

And, as somebody who has reached out and attended counseling with multiple counselors/therapists throughout my adult life, I can understand what the experience is like when I find a good counselor (someone that fit with me) and when I find a counselor I'm not very aligned with. 

Although it seems counterintuitive, I want to go over some things you can do to make sure you're finding the "right" counselor for you, as well as the nuances within each of those things (just keep reading, you'll see what I mean). 

Insurance

Pros and Cons of Insurance for Counseling 

This is such a difficult piece. There are many counselors who practice "in network," but there are many who practice "out of network." With in-network counselors, you get to work with somebody who you know accepts your insurance and, ideally, your coverage includes counseling and you have good coverage (i.e. a high percentage, low deductible, and low co-pay). Sure, that's ideal.

The reality about insurance and counseling is this. 

It can be difficult to find a counselor that you like, who is good (how you can tell when a counselor is good), and who also accepts your insurance.

I don't say that lightly. I say that because I know what it's like to be picky. And if you're looking for a counselor who works with a specific issue (and you want to make sure they're actually qualified to work with that issue), then you're further limiting your searches to people who accept your insurance and work with said issue. 

Another piece of this is that not all aspects of counseling are covered by insurance. Generally speaking, individual psychotherapy is covered and family therapy (aka counseling) is covered, but couples counseling isn't. Again, generally speaking. I'm sure there are some exceptions.

One of your best bets is to contact your insurance provider to get a list of counselors in the area who accept your insurance. From there, you google their names, visit their websites, or call the directly to get a feel for whether or not you think they'd fit with you, and to see if they work with the issue you're coming in for.    

Training and Expertise

Finding a Counselor Who Works With Your Issue

Okay, so this is twofold.

First, there are some things that most counselors work with. For example, depression, anxiety, and general dissatisfaction with life. These are run of the mill, so to speak. That doesn't take away from how hard they are to experience, but it does mean that most counselors can work with these issues. The way they work with the issues will vary (i.e. training, theoretical orientation), but most are able to effectively do counseling. 

And even with all that said, there are folks who specialize in anxiety, depression, and general malaise. So, if you really want to find somebody, then you may want to keep that bit in mind. 

Good, now that that's off my chest. Here's what I mean when I say to find a counselor who works with your issue.

There are some things that most counselors shouldn't work with unless they have additional training and experience. I may sway a little far on this topic, but I feel pretty strongly about it. It's important that you find a counselor who specializes in or has experience with the issue you want to come to counseling for.

Think about it like this. If you start to have weird spots on your skin that weren't there a week ago and you can't seem to find a reason for them, what do you do? 

You might start by consulting google (Hahahahaha! Unless that's just me?). Dr. Google knows all. But after that, you'd probably call your doctor and say, "Hey, doc, I've got some weird skin thing going on. I need to come in for an appointment." You doctor might say, "Oh, skin stuff? Your best bet is probably to go to Dr. dermatologist/oncologist/blahblahblahogist, but let's start with an appointment to make sure it's actually something." So, you go to your general practitioner doctor, they look at your skin, and they say, "Wow, yes, that looks like something. Go to the dermatologist/oncologist/whateverelseogist." They'd refer out to a specialist. 

That's my point.

When you've got a specific issue (i.e. couples counseling, quarter-life crisis, excessive conflict or fighting, issues with confidence, sexual identity), then you want to reach out to somebody who you know works with or on that issue. 

You also might know more about the counseling field, in general, and that means you might want to search for somebody who does the type of counseling that you want. For example, if you want EMDR, then you'd want to be sure the person has experience or training in EMDR; if you want Gottman Method Couples Therapy, then you'd want to be sure the person has experience or training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy; if you want CBT, then you'd want to be sure the person has experience of training in CBT.

And if the above paragraph reads like jargon, then don't even worry about it. I mean that sincerely. It's not even worth it to try to explain, just simply ask, "Tell me about your training/experience with [insert issue here]."

Goodness of Fit

Finding a Counselor You Like and Mesh With

This aspect is pretty quick and dirty (largely because I've done it before), so here we go. I've also written and talked (more extensively) about this very topic, such is its importance (two side notes are that I'm super pregnant in that video and I don't field all the calls anymore; we've got an awesome client liaison who does that!!).

1. You should get your questions answered (within reason) during your first call to your counselor.
2. You should know within about three sessions if it's a good fit.
3. You should be able to talk about hard things.
4. You should be transparent and expect transparency from your counselor.

Boom. Those are some important aspects. 

You'll also want to check in with yourself throughout the process of counseling. You might ask yourself questions like, "Am I being honest with my counselor?" Or, "How comfortable do I feel with them?" Or, "Are we actively working on what I want to work on?" Or, "Do I feel steamrolled by my counselor" and/or, "Do I have space to be me and show up?"

These are also important aspects - the experience is yours, and thus you get to choose and decide if you and your counselor are a good fit. And, like I noted above, I'd say give it three sessions. That's a small, but decent enough amount of time to get a pretty clear flavor of their style and your fit.

Counseling in Columbia, Mo

Finding a Counselor in a Specific City

This is easy peasy. 

You can pop on over to psychologytoday.com and look for a counselor in your zip code (you can also filter by issues/topics, which is awesome). You can call a counselor or two and ask for referrals for people who work with specific issues and/or take insurance (although I'd say you'd have better luck with calling your insurance for a list of providers). You can also ask for word of mouth referrals. If you know your friend Susan went to counseling for xyz issue, and you're struggling with xyz issue, then you might just give Susan a call and ask, "Hey, Susan, who'd you go to see for xyz? Where they helpful? Would I like them?" 

PHEW.

And that's all, folks! Good luck and happy counseling!

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About the Author

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Counseling in Columbia, Mo

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Anxiety is the Devil

Anxiety Sucks

Period. 

People describe it as being stuck inside their own personal hell. And there's a lot of truth to that. It's an endless stream of thoughts about worst-case scenarios, what-ifs, past events where you may have said that one thing wrong, and 10 years in the future when xyz might happen. It's incessant.

And exhausting.

We've written before about anxiety (and will likely write again about it). It's important to talk about the experience of having it, as well as ways of coping with it. 

A couple of caveats - finding ways of coping with anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to go away. Having anxiety or being prone to anxiety might mean an ongoing "struggle." Except for people who have had it a long time and have learned ways of coping, it's less of a struggle and more of a nuisance. For others, it's a perpetual struggle. 

One of the hardest pieces is that it requires a getting-to-know-you experience before anything else. For example, if you wanted to pull a weed, would you just pull the top of it? Probably not. You'd go for the root. You'd dig into the soil around it and make sure you got all the little tendrils out - because you know as well as we do that one root can grow into multiple roots that dig deeper into the soil, and that can grow into multiple weeds that keep spreading in the yard. And then you're out there digging out weeds all the time instead of tending to the garden and the vegetables or plants that you want to grow.

Understanding Your Anxiety

This is the hardest part - often the scariest, too. Because it requires doing the complete opposite of what anybody with anxiety wants to do. It requires turning towards the anxiety, exposing it, questioning it, allowing space for it, and really trying to fully understand what it's about. 

HEAR US OUT, PLEASE!!

We know it sounds ridiculous, but if we don't fully understand what it's about, then how can we be sure to effectively cope with it?! That'd be like a doctor telling you to put your arm in a sling without ever doing an x-ray. Sounds silly, doesn't it? 

it's the same thing. Okay, not the exact same, but very similar. 

There are different kinds of anxiety and they show up in different ways. Not only are there different diagnoses (i.e. generalized, panic disorder, health anxiety), but each diagnosis (depending on the person, although there's some consistency) can be exacerbated by different things, including sleep, life stressors, food, drugs (yes, including alcohol and caffeine), and exercise. That's probably not even all, but it's the start. 

So, before even moving on to coping (which we're going to do, anyway), the first step is really diving into what kind of anxiety you deal with and what exacerbates your anxiety.

Coping with Anxiety

Again, understanding is the most important part, but we're softies and want to share four tried and true methods for coping with anxiety.

1. Exercise. 3-4x/week for 30 minutes at a time. Especially cardio/aerobic exercise. Weights are also good, but aerobic is better. And don't act like you don't already know this is a thing! Everybody knows the need to exercise, but most people don't find the time or don't have the inclination. For anxiety warriors, it's a must.
2. Sleep. I'm pretty sure I read that the majority of the U.S. are sleep deprived. Yes, majority. For people coping with anxiety, that's a no-no. It wreaks havoc on your circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle that you body naturally falls into). And good sleep also means good sleep hygiene (i.e. screen time, caffeine consumption). We'll write more about that later.
3. Thoughts. What do you spend your time thinking about? Do you ever take time to be present, or are you stuck in your thoughts more often than not? If the latter (like most folks with anxiety), then this is a great place to start. Pay attention to what you're thinking, how it impacts you emotionally, and how thinking a different thing can make you feel better. 
4. Meditation. Another one that everybody knows is good, but most people don't do. I'll tell you a little secret. Meditation, literally, changes your brain. As in, for real, changes the activity (i.e. slows it down) and structure of your brain. It's unbelievable what it can do for you (most of these things on the list, actually). And if you think that it's "not thinking" for 10 minutes, you're mistaken. It's simply about paying attention to one thing - a mantra, your breathing, the present, an image, or something else. 

There you have it! Four simple (and highly effective) ways of ocping with anxiety. Doing them all on one day won't make everything better, though. Just something to keep in mind. They require consistent practice and you end up seeing profound effects (especially the longer you stick with them).

Good luck, friends! And if you want help along this journey (it can be trying going at it alone), reach out to us. We're happy to support you in any way possible!

My Friend is Driving Me Crazy - What Do I Do?!

We focus on relationships at The Counseling Hub, but when we talk about relationships, we’re not specifically talking about romantic relationships or intimate partnerships. The term relationship implies relationships of any kind. And, much like with partnerships, relationships contain their own set of problems.

Here are three things you can do if you have a friendship with somebody who is currently driving you crazy (colloquially speaking). 

1. Tell the friend. 
   This might seem crazy (it’s not), but you could just talk directly with your friend. Of course, this is very much dependent on the situation and your relationship, but it’s completely doable. If you say it in the right way, then it’s feasible that your friend says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve had so much on my own plate that I can’t even think outside of myself.” Okay, so that response is doubtful, but you know you did what you could, in terms of saying things in a nice way (i.e. focus on your feelings and experience, not on shaming, blaming, or criticizing your friend). 
    
2. Let it ride. 
   This might sound silly, but sometimes people get in funks. You’ve been there, I’ve been there, they’ve been there - we’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s really more about letting things go than addressing them. The hard part is figuring out which is which, but be mindful of what’s going on in your friend’s life. If they just lost their job, are going through a divorce, and have a three year old, then it’s probably life stuff. If nothing has changed and they’re seemingly suddenly rude to you, then it might be something else. With all that said, life stuff doesn’t give people permission to be dicks (or abusive), but it does give us more context
    
3. Be angry. 
   Here’s another funny sounding option. Just be angry about it!! I’m not saying be angry, build resentment, blow up on your friend, and expect everything to be better. What I am saying is that you can be angry or upset when people treat you poorly. There’s a difference between allowing yourself to be treated poorly and giving distance but feeling angry. Angry doesn’t equal you have to say anything or bring it up. Angry usually signifies a perceived injustice or unfair situation, and that’s perfectly healthy.

Long story short is that there are a multitude of ways that you can address this and only three of those ways is listed above. And the reason you decide to choose one or another way should be based on your relationship with that person, your level of hurt, the situation/context, and anything else I’m not listing here (although I’m sure there are plenty of other factors).  

It’s also worth noting that I’m hardcore speaking in generalities. Having a specific situation, one where I could ask some questions to get clear, would be more useful here. With that said, this is just a general guideline - it’s definitely not the be all end all of addressing things with a friend. Think of it as a start.