My Friend is Driving Me Crazy - What Do I Do?!

We focus on relationships at The Counseling Hub, but when we talk about relationships, we’re not specifically talking about romantic relationships or intimate partnerships. The term relationship implies relationships of any kind. And, much like with partnerships, relationships contain their own set of problems.

Here are three things you can do if you have a friendship with somebody who is currently driving you crazy (colloquially speaking). 

1. Tell the friend. 
   This might seem crazy (it’s not), but you could just talk directly with your friend. Of course, this is very much dependent on the situation and your relationship, but it’s completely doable. If you say it in the right way, then it’s feasible that your friend says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve had so much on my own plate that I can’t even think outside of myself.” Okay, so that response is doubtful, but you know you did what you could, in terms of saying things in a nice way (i.e. focus on your feelings and experience, not on shaming, blaming, or criticizing your friend). 
    
2. Let it ride. 
   This might sound silly, but sometimes people get in funks. You’ve been there, I’ve been there, they’ve been there - we’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s really more about letting things go than addressing them. The hard part is figuring out which is which, but be mindful of what’s going on in your friend’s life. If they just lost their job, are going through a divorce, and have a three year old, then it’s probably life stuff. If nothing has changed and they’re seemingly suddenly rude to you, then it might be something else. With all that said, life stuff doesn’t give people permission to be dicks (or abusive), but it does give us more context
    
3. Be angry. 
   Here’s another funny sounding option. Just be angry about it!! I’m not saying be angry, build resentment, blow up on your friend, and expect everything to be better. What I am saying is that you can be angry or upset when people treat you poorly. There’s a difference between allowing yourself to be treated poorly and giving distance but feeling angry. Angry doesn’t equal you have to say anything or bring it up. Angry usually signifies a perceived injustice or unfair situation, and that’s perfectly healthy.

Long story short is that there are a multitude of ways that you can address this and only three of those ways is listed above. And the reason you decide to choose one or another way should be based on your relationship with that person, your level of hurt, the situation/context, and anything else I’m not listing here (although I’m sure there are plenty of other factors).  

It’s also worth noting that I’m hardcore speaking in generalities. Having a specific situation, one where I could ask some questions to get clear, would be more useful here. With that said, this is just a general guideline - it’s definitely not the be all end all of addressing things with a friend. Think of it as a start. 

8 Reasons Counseling is Not the Same as Friendship

This is a comment and question we get frequently. "Isn't counseling just like having a friend?"

No, no, no, no, and nope (for good measure).

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. Probably because I hear people say things like, “I’m good at telling people what to do. I’m basically a counselor,” or, “My friends always ask my advice. I pretty much do counseling.”  As a counselor educator (one who trains future counselors) and counselor in private practice, I need to clarify why this is inaccurate.

*Just because it's not a friendship doesn't mean there aren't high levels of care and comraderie in the counseling office. We very much care for our clients and sometimes wish we could be friends outside of sessions! But we can't!!

In short, counseling and friendship are not the same thing. Also, as a side note, I could go on and on and on about this, so I’ll keep the rationales brief. :)

Your Friend is Not Your Counselor

1. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not.
   Long and short of this is that your counselor isn’t going to cry on your shoulder about the problems they’re going through (like divorce, death, confusion about career, depression, loneliness, etc.). That’s because it’s our job (and we LOVE IT) to put our clients first. While you might know what goes on in your counselor’s life, you’re paying for time to work through and process your own issues. We respect that and it should be your time completely. Not to mention there are ethical issues against counselors disclosing too much to clients. That’s boring to talk about, though (even if important for counselors to know).
   

2. Counseing is confidential.
   This is such a serious thing for a counselor. Basically, we’re not allowed to talk about you or the details of your problem with anybody. There are some exceptions and stipulations (like consultation or reporting child abuse, among others), but long and short of it is that we’re not going to your other friends to ask the what they think about the things you’ve told us!
   

3. Counselors are as objective as possible.
   The beauty in counselors is that we don’t feel obligated or compelled to withhold information or thoughts or feedback on the basis of it might hurt your feelings. Obviously (I hope obviously, anyway), we’re not setting out to say horrible things and hurt your feelings intentionally. My point is that we’re compelled to point out hard truths, or at least ask questions about hard truths that your friends might not feel comfortable asking.
   

4. Counselors don’t “give advice.”
   Look, if you’re looking for an answer, then you’re coming to the wrong place. If you want to know, “Should I do x or y?!” from your counselor, you’re screwed. Your counselor should not tell you what to do. What we do, instead, is help you to figure out what decision makes the most sense for you, in your life, with your relationships and feelings and experiences. Barring certain situations (domestic violence, for example), how on earth would your counselor know what’s best for you? In short, your friends might tell you exactly what they think you should do. Your counselor should not.
   

5. Counselors are trained to listen to what you’re not saying.
   This sounds silly, but it’s true. We’re trained to listen to what’s not being said. Friends don’t really do that. They tend to listen to what’s being said and directly respond to it. For example, if Susie wants to leave her husband, Frank, and she tells her friend, her friend might say, “Whatever makes you happy, Susie. You haven’t seemed happy lately!” And that’s a supportive friend - we get it. But if Susie says that to her counselor, her counselor is going to ask a shit-ton of questions about a variety of factors that might be influencing her decision, as well as underlying feelings and the meaning of such decisions (again, thinks that aren’t necessarily said out loud without prompting).
   

6. Counselors don’t take it personal when you do what you want (as you should).
   Counselors know that what you decide to do is your responsibility, as well as your life!! We don’t take it personal when a client does whatever they want to do with their life, even if the client makes the same mistake they’ve made in their past three relationships and has been working on said issue for past four months. It’s not that we don’t care - we do. We care way too much sometimes. It’s just that we know people are people and each person (read: client) has their life to live. Mistakes are part of that and not personal attacks on us. Friends might not take it the same way.
   

7. You won’t hold back (as much) information from your counselor.
   I don’t know about you, but I’m ridiculously more forthcoming about things with my counselor than I am with my friends. Again, time-limited and intense discussion is expected. That said, I dive right in. That’s not the case with all friendships, but that’s totally expected with a counselor, and that expectation can make a world of difference.
   

8. Your friend thinks they want to know everything, but they probably don’t.
   This sounds weird, but it’s true. Some things, we just don’t want to know about our friends. You might not want to know that Susie is questioning leaving Frank. You might not want to know that Tori is struggling with sexual identity. You might not want to know that Dale was sexually abused as a child. Some information forever changes our perception of a person, and some people feel forever seen in a different light (and hate it). It’s worth noting that as lovely and warm as your friends probably are, not everybody wants to know everything (possibly).
   

That’s all. Phew. Long list with lots of typing. I probably could expand on each of these, but that’s surely enough for now. Questions? Reach out! Want to schedule? Contact us here! 

6 Myths About Counseling Every Client Needs to Know

Myths of Counseling

Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo

No long intro here - just keep in mind that any of the following may (or may not) fit with you. These are common, even if the first one is kind of silly, but still important!

1. Your counselor can read your mind.
   Ha! I wish. Seriously, can you imagine a counselor with telepathy? Best. Counselor. EVER. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but it’s just not true. Counselors can’t read your mind. This is probably why you might think that, though
   
   We’re trained on people and how they engage in peopling in the world. We’re trained to not only listen to the words you’re saying, but also how you’re saying them (i.e. inflection, tone, pacing, pauses), as well as your facial expressions and your body language. I remember reading a statistic somewhere that said communication is 70% nonverbal. SEVENTY PERCENT. That’s a crazy high number, and we make good use of it.
   
   No telepathy, though. ;)
   

2. Once you fully understand the problem, then you’re done with counseling. I mean, yes and no. Yes, having a full understanding of the issue or problem you’re coming in with is important. And no, having a full understanding of the issue or problem is not enough to stop doing the work. The reality is that understanding is the easy part. It’s easy to “know” what you’re supposed to do. Just because you know what to do, do you do it? Exactly.
   
   What most people don’t know or realize, however, is that the actual process of change is where the difficulties really lie. It’s hard to make changes in life. When we understand our problem, that’s the starting point. It’s not that we want to see you forever, but it is that we want you to actually make changes related to your problem before calling it quits with us because that’s where the work really is.
   

3. Personal development has a finish line.
   Most people think that they’re going to be pristine at the end of counseling and that they’re never going to deal with their problem again - they’ve got it totally figured out, have made changes, have been practicing their new way of being in the world, and accept (for lack of a better word) perfection.
   
   WRONG.
   
   I love y’all, but that’s so wrong. Our growth is perpetual. The point of counseling is to unblock a jam that’s impeding growth, it’s not to rush you to your finish line. And, technically, the ultimate finish line is death. Until that point, our bodies and minds are constantly evolving and changing. It’s seriously amazing how humans operate.
   

4. Counseling is the same thing as friendship.
   You know, this is one I really understand, but still need to put on here. Counseling and friendship are absolutely not the same thing. The counselor-client relationship can be such an intimate experience. Imagine being able to bare your soul with another person who not only makes space for it, but encourages it and is actually interested in hearing and listening. As in, really listening. It’s unprecedented for many people who come in the door. It’s also welcome.
   
   Here’s the difference, though. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not. You’re not going to have a counselor who relies on you to talk about and listen to their problems (yes, counselors are human and have their own issues - it’s a human thing, not a you thing). Counselors are also trained in how to say things at the right time, rather than just dole out advice. I love my friends, but if I want objective advice from somebody without their own agenda, then I’m probably going to my counselor.
   

5. Counseling is a sign of weakness.
   Ugh, this one grinds my gears. I’ll leave you with this (rhetorical) question. If it takes work and is difficult to be honest and feel unpleasant (and pleasant, for some people) feelings and to talk about things that are eatin away at you on the inside, then why is counseling a sign of weakness? If I told you to squat 1000 pounds or run 15 miles and you hadn’t trained at all, would you say that was a sign of weakness? NO. You’d practice and then you’d do it. For whatever reason, we think that talking about something that’s difficult means that it shouldn’t be talked about. WHAT. WHY?! It means that it should be practiced (i.e. talked about) and that muscle grown.
   

6. Counselors are humorless.
   Uuumm, I really, really hope that my clients don’t think this. Sure, one sense of humor doesn’t jive with everybody, but the counseling relationship isn’t one where there’s never any laughing or joking, where there aren't any niceties or catching up on random television shows - it’s a human relationship, not strictly a business relationship. It’s one where people can show up fully and if connection with others includes laughing, then that’s included in counseling, too. Counseling is all about connecting.

My favorite part about this list is that you can bring it up with your counselor and talk (or laugh) about it!

That's the beauty of a therapeutic relationship. There's nothing  that has to be left unsaid. The space you and your counselor co-create in sessions should be one of warmth, empathy, understanding, and safety. And all of those things would imply that you could talk about things that you might not feel comfortable talking about outside of sessions. Regardless of whether you do this or not, it's nice to know it's a possibility.

That’s all for today. We love myths and love to write about how, as the name implies, they’re not truths.  Happy counseling, everybody!

Email us right now to get your questions answered or your session scheduled!

I Feel Lost With Life... I Don't Know What To Do

Feeling untethered? Unsure about where to go next, what to do with your life, and what your future holds? (Technically, nobody knows what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean we should say ‘screw it’ and completely disconnect what control we do have in our life.)

You’re not alone (as cheesy as that sounds). Seriously, though, you’re not the first person who feels untethered and you surely won’t be the last. Even further, this isn’t something that happens once in life and then it’s done. It can happen consistently throughout life. The good news is that the better we get at dealing with this experience, the sooner we understand what’s going on, and the sooner we can address it. 

How to Recognize You’re Feeling Lost

It might seem counterintuitive, but is worth mentioning. Sometimes, we get in such a state of confusion and overwhelm that we dont’ even recognize part of the issue is feeling untethered. We say to ourselves, “I’m just unhappy with my weight/job/partner/past/class/boss.” And then we leave it at that, passing the blame to those around us, but not really taking the time to reflect on what role we have in it.

So, here are a few ways to assess whether or not you’re feeling lost in life. 

1. You feel uninterested and bored by (almost) everything.
   There’s no real passion or purpose for what you’re doing. You don’t care about previous activities you used to love. You’re going through the motions, but you’re not invested.
   

2. You look at others and wonder what you’re missing.
   It’s not uncommon for you to see other people in your life who seem genuinely happy and satisfied and to be left feeling confused. You might either say, “they’re full of it,” or you might say, “I wish I felt a semblance of that.” Either way, you feel disconnected from others who seem genuinely happy.
   

3. You feel disconnected from those around you.
   I mean with everybody. Your partner, your children, your friends, your family of origin, your coworkers, the barista you see every day... everybody. You can remember what it felt like to actually enjoy seeing these people, and to be interested in what they were saying. Currently, though, you’re left only remembering what it was like and telling yourself you might feel that again someday.

I’m Lost, Then. Now What? 

Well, there’s not really an easy fix, I’m afraid. There are simple things you can do, but part of the simple things entails reflecting on your current state of being, your past state of being, your moods and behaviors, the things in life that spark any joy, the things in life that energize you even just a little bit, and assessing relationships (i.e. are they fulfilling your needs, are you being honest, is it personal or between you and the other person).  

The short version is that the first thing we do is assess.  

We want to get a true understanding of what is before we start making changes left and right. And I realize that you’re probably wanting a quick solution because this feeling is one that is distinctly uncomfortable. However, I’d urge you to ride it out to the extent that you fully understand it. Then, and only then, we can implement changes that will (ideally) improve your sense of feeling tethered. 

Of course, counseling is one way of doing that. We’re trained to help people sort out their feelings of lost-ness, and Tim, in particular, is a stellar person to see for this. We’re happy to help in any way we can, so contact us today to get a feel for whether we’re a good fit for you! 

Why Am I So Anxious?!

Anxiety is a tricky fiend. It’ll sneak up on you and snatch away your joy when you least expect it. Or it lies waiting all day, just biding its time until you lay down for bed and then it starts screaming in your ear about all the ways you’ve failed, all the things you have to do, all the horrific things that could happen, all the friends who probably don’t even like you, and all the failed attempts at life you’ve had so far.

EGADS, it’s exhausting.

Take heart, my friend, we’re going to cover some common reasons anxiety strikes. Hopefully, you get something out of this. And if you don’t? That’s cool – we’re happy with trying.

With anxiety, we’re looking at a few different things.

Nutrition and Anxiety (yes, seriously...)

First off, food. Yes, seriously, food.

Your gut is legit magical. I mean, if you even knew, you’d be completely blown away by this thing (you might actually already know, in which case I’m preaching to the choir). For example, did you know that about 90% of the serotonin in your body is located in your gut. Yes, your GUT. So wild, right?!

My point is this, though. When we ingest things that cause/increase inflammation in our system or that are poison, in essence (I’m looking at you, alcohol!), then we’re potentially increasing our risk for mental health problems. I’m not saying don’t drink. I am saying to pay attention to how you feel (mentally) after you eat and drink certain things. It’s not uncommon for people to cite drinking (the day before, for example) as an antecedent to feeling extremely anxious.

Cognitions and Anxiety

Second, thoughts.

This is the one that everybody already knows about (probably). The way that we think can actually increase and decrease certain feelings. Yes, our thoughts are connected to our feelings. Crazy, huh?

A simple experiment is to shut your eyes and think about a time when somebody said or did something really thoughtful for you. Just go back there for a minute and recall what that was like. And then open your eyes and notice how you feel. There are probably some vestiges of ‘good’ after thinking about that, right?

Along that same vein, close your eyes and think about the last jackass to cut you off, or that time you were wrongfully accused of something, or the last fight you had. Go back there for a minute. Then open your eyes and notice how you feel. Probably angry – at least I’m assuming angry, but it could also be frustrated, upset, or distressed.

My point is this – anxiety can be related to thoughts. So when we’re aware of how we think about things (and what we think about), we can squelch some of anxiety-as-an-effect.

Basic Needs and Anxiety

Third (and last because this is getting long), basic needs.

This sounds so silly, but is really important. You know what else impacts anxiety? Sleep, sunlight, and connection. Yes, all three.

Sleep is WAY more profound on our systems than we give it credit for. People who consistently don’t sleep enough end up dying sooner, on average, having more illness and slower recoveries, and having more mental health issues. For real. Sleep is important.

Connection and sunlight are also significant, in that we evolved to be outside (not in artificial light) and be in connection with others. When both of those are consistently disrupted, the aftermath can be mental health issues, including anxiety.

The point of this is to highlight some other factors that can be influencing your anxiety. If you know these, you can start to modify some of what you’re doing and just see what the impact is. If it’s helpful, then now you know! And if it’s not, then schedule a session and come through to see us so we can help you figure out what’s going on!

Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen | Antidotes

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?! 

Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point! 

Four Horsemen Recap

Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).

The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.

You see what I mean?

It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).

SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.

The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!

Show Me The Antidotes!!

Short version is this:

criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs

Super easy, right? #winkyface

Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!

From Criticism to Gentle Startup

With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.

• State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
• Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
• THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”

Taking Responsibility

With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.

It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.

Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall

With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.

Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.

The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.

Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt

Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”

Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.

Contempt - Horsemen 4/4

The Four Horsemen | Contempt

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi). 

Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.

Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.

PHEW. 

Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.

Contempt - What is it?!

In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.

It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.

Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience. 

I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!

Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.

The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.

Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...

Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up. 

It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults. 

Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs. 

Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small. 

There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.

I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens. 

If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members. 

Stonewalling - Horsemen 3/4

The Four Horsemen | Stonewalling

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Alrighty. We've covered criticism and defensiveness. And now it’s on to the next one.

Stonewalling, my friends.

This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.

This is the long and short of what happens.

Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.

The conversation continues and intensifies. Nothing terrible, but definitely intense.

Then, a criticism. And then defensiveness.

Partner A’s heat rate has jumped even more, to about 88 beats per minute. Partner B is just now reaching 78.

At this point, we’d encourage partner A to engage in some self-soothing, in order to bring their heart rate down, but they’re not in therapy and they don’t know about the need for self-soothing. In fact, they don’t even realize they’ve escalated to that point.

The conflict continues and Partner A hits about 95-100 beats per minute. At that point, partner A is done. In essence, their body says to them, “Nope, too much. I’m done, dude. I’m shutting down,” and that’s exactly what happens. Partner A has hit diffuse physiological arousal. In essence, partner A can’t think straight, can’t hear what’s being said, can’t focus, and their face and responses reflect a wall (hence “stonewall”).

Why it’s interesting is that it’s the only horseman to be a direct response to physiological arousal (too much of it and not in the right context - #heyo #sextherapyftw).

What’s even more interesting is that, generally speaking, when partner A shuts down, partner B’s heart rate jumps!!! As in, now they’re feeling a heightened state of arousal much in the same way partner A was initially. And they're a little bit in freak out mode because they want to reconnect with parter A. It's infuriating, but is rife with panic!

It’s all chaos from there. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I mean, it can definitely slide into further chaos, but it can also be addressed accordingly. In saying that, I mean to say that self-soothing is one way of handling stonewalling (and flooding, which can lead to stonewalling).

And also this: just because you may tend to stonewall (or be with a partner that stonewalls) doesn't mean it's "stuck" that way forever. There are very tried and true methods for alleviating the horsemen and the result is a much healthier, happier, and connected relationship. Also, these methods are part of the antidotes to the four horsemen, which are necessary for changing poor communication patterns!

Much like every other post on here, it’s easy (and fascinating) to talk about, but not as easy to overcome. Meaning that it’s simple, but still can be difficult to put into practice. That’s where couples counseling can be helpful (one of many ways it can be helpful).

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.