Signs You Could Benefit from Counseling

if you’ve been thinking about individual counseling or marriage counseling, but aren’t really sure if you need it, then this is the post for you. And I’m in the mood for short and sweet, so here we go!

1.  You've been thinking about counseling on and off for longer than six months. I say this with love and affection, but do it already!! Sometimes, we can figure life out on our own (enough that we don’t feel completely off), but sometimes we need to sit and talk with an objective  listener. If you’ve been grappling with something and thinking about counseling for longer than six months, it’s probably time to get in the door. 
    
2. You've tried to “fix” the problem every way you know how and it’s not working . This ties in with the objective listener piece. You've talked to friends, your pastor, your family, strangers, Reddit feeds, and everybody else you can think of. You still can't seem to figure out how to process through/work through/"fix" the problem you're having.
    
3. You keep distracting yourself from feeling unhappy. After you've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it, you've decided to stay, "screw it" and have just started spending time trying to avoid thinking about it. It's worked for a little while, but isn't a long-term solution.

And there you have it, folks. There are just a handful of reasons that it might be time to get off your couch at home and on the couch in our comfy office! Start the process by contacting us here!

As a little fun factoid, it's interesting to note that it takes couples (not sure about individuals) an average of six years (SIX YEEEEEEARS) to get into the door from the time they start thinking/talking about getting into counseling. That's six years of time that we can't get back, as well as six years we could be getting out of poor communication habits and into ones that contribute to relationship health and longevity. Super interesting, isn't it?!

Defensiveness - Horsemen 2/4

The Four Horsemen | Defensiveness

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And we're back!

Last post, we talked about criticism (yikes, am I right?). Defensiveness is the second of the four horsemen. Technically, they're not in sequential order, although it's not uncommon that they happen in a particular way (something we frequently discuss during couples counseling). 

How does defensiveness feel?

Think of a time when you felt attacked. Maybe it was by your partner, maybe it was by a stranger, family, your boss or coworker, or a friend - it doesn't really matter who did it. The point is this. Take yourself back to that time and recall what it felt like in that moment.

Did your stomach knot up? Were you angry? Confused and pissed? Did your fists clench up a little bit? Or maybe your claws came out and the hair on the back of your neck stood up? Did you want to lash back out at the person? Maybe remind them of a time or two that they did the very thing they're accusing you of?

If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, congratulations!!

You've officially experienced defensiveness.

The above is describing the way that it can feel. We've probably all been there at some point in our life.

How does defensiveness show up?

The way that it can show up (read: you can recognize it by seeing this) is through the "blame game" (i.e. "You did that!" "Well that's because you did this?" "But that's only because YOU did these other 1000 things!!"), taking no responsibility/externalizing blame, tit for tat, kitchen sinking, "always" or "never" statements, or even being a righteous victim ("I would never do that thing you did!").

Ugh. It's exhausting even typing.

You're not alone. We all get defensive. And we all have a 'default' horseman. For some people, it's this. For others, it's criticism. For others still, it's stonewalling or contempt. We'll get to those soon enough!

When you find yourself becoming defensive, think about the antidotes to the four horsemen. In particular, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part in the interaction. Boom. That's it. Although, much like everything else we've been talking about, easier said than done.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.

Let's Talk Transitions

Life is characterized by transitions. They're unavoidable. They're uncomfortable. And they feel completely unique and isolating when they happen, but there's actually some order to the chaos.

First off, let's not confuse transition with change. A change is a decision. There's the making of the change, and then there's the process of going through said change. When we decide to make a change in our life (i.e. graduating, partnering or separating) or when life forces a change upon us (i.e. being fired, death), we're thrust into a transition state.

Second, It seems like we think making the change is the hardest part, but it's not. The hardest part is going through the transition of said change.

Transitions are characterized by feeling confused, disconnected, uncomfortable, full of doubt, and eventual acceptance. And no, I'm not talking about a grief process. That's different. We expect them to be magical and great. In many ways, they are, but not until they're uncomfortable and hard.

When we make a change or decide on making a change, we might feel really good. We're pumped, excited, and ready to take on the world (this might not be the same for when life thrusts a change upon us). We can't wait for the change to take place.

And then it does.

And then we're left questioning whether we made the right decision. We wonder if it was really that bad before we made the change. We look back and think, "I don't really want to be back in that position, but I'm not happy and I thought I would be happy! Did I make the wrong choice?!" It's confusing, to say the least.

It's also normal.

Normal doesn't mean that it's easy to experience alone.

We focus on transitions in life and help people make sense of what they're going through and how to navigate the uncharted waters. With the skilled clinicians, we're able to assist people in making meaning of their circumstances.

If you're in the state of transition right now or have a big change coming up, then reach out to make sure that you're setting yourself up for the smoothest transition possible - one where you're walking forward with your eyes wide open, ready to face the discomfort in order to get to the new phase of your life.

What's Wrong With Me?! Five Question to Ask Yourself...

Have you ever had a day (or two or 10 or even more) where you ask yourself, "What is wrong with me?!" Where you feel like you're in a funk and that nothing is really satisfying in life?

Not Depression, Though...

This isn't a blog post about depression, as a caveat, although the questions to ask yourself could also help alleviate some depressive symptoms! And please note that we taken depression and its impact very seriously. We know the havoc it can wreak and that so many people deal with it. This isn't a blog post about depression.

This is a blog post about those days or times where you feel way off from your normal self. Maybe you're slightly more irritable, or maybe you're just less satisfied overall, or maybe you find yourself wishing it was 8 pm so you could have that beer, or maybe you start to question all of your life choices that ever got you to this place you're in (not least of which includes work, relationship, kids, and location).

Ultimately, you just feel off.

What I want you to do when/if you get in that place is to ask yourself these five questions. They're simple, really, but that doesn't mean they don't have a ridiculously impact on our mental health and overall well-being.

Okay, here goes. (That's me mentally prepping.)

The Five Questions

1. What have I eaten or have I eaten lately?
   You know that old saying, "you are what you eat." Well, truth be told, the more we learn about the microbiome (i.e. our gut), the more we realize that there is way too much truth to this statement. We're not asking you to go on a diet (there's a whole different post coming about that word and its implications); we're simply asking you to notice what you eat and how you feel afterwards.
   
   Here's a random example. I was at an outdoor market and had some delicious fudge. From someone who doesn't eat a lot of straight sugar (basically - the first ingredient was sugar, followed closely by marshmallow), I was exhausted right after eating it.
   

2. How much sleep have I been getting?
   This is another obvious one, but it's worth putting it out there. I'm stopping myself from going on a tirade about how lack of sleep is, literally, critical to your physical and mental health. I mean that with SO MUCH SERIOUSNESS.
   
   This post is getting long enough and I don't want to add three paragraphs just for one question. In the spirit of keeping things brief, just ask yourself how much sleep you've gotten, as well as how much is an optimal amount for you. Then pay attention to how you function with that optimal level versus when it's lacking.
   

3. Have I spent any time outdoors lately?
   Oh, I hear you already with the excuses - "it's too cold" or, "it's too hot" or, "it's too sunny" or, "it's too rainy" or something else entirely.
   
   Tell yourself enough!!
   
   Tomorrow (or right after you read this, if it's not nighttime) - go outside and walk. Leave your phone inside (you don't need it for those five minutes). Look at the world around you and stare in awe at how magnificent it really is. If you can get somewhere green, that's even better. Tell me you don't feel more peaceful afterwards. And humble (the world is big and we're just part of the puzzle).
   

4. Have I connected (really connected) with friends lately?
   I'm not talking about via social media. I'm talking about sitting down with a good friend and having a deep conversation where you lose yourself in the experience and completely forget the world exists around you. Where you laugh and connect, or where you cry and grieve, or where you bemoan the state of the world and question how it even got this way. Real conversations.
   

5. Have I given back lately?
   Altruism is underrated. If you can, give back in some way today. I don't mean financially (unless you have that to give and you want to - that's entirely up to you). What I mean is giving your time or help to others.
   
   You could stop and help somebody carry their groceries, or you could pick up some trash on the side of the road, or you could hold up a sign at a busy intersection that says "you're beautiful and I love you for being you," or you could even offer a hug to a stranger (super rare, but it's a possibility). The purpose of this one is to get out of your head and into an empathic state.
   
   I'll tell you a secret about being a counselor. One of the best things is that no matter what kind of day I'm having when I come into the office, the moment I sit down and see a client (or clients), my world shrinks away into nothingness and I'm knee-deep in someone else's experience. My point in saying this is that when we give back, the experience is the same. For that moment in time, we're not thinking about ourselves; we're thinking about others. And that can be enough to shift us out of our problems and thoughts and into the world in front of us.

That's all, folks. Thanks for getting through the rambles above. Even though I sometimes write with what could be perceived as a "flip" tone, my message is for real. These questions can (and often do) impact our mental health. They're good to keep in mind when things are starting to feel a little funky in life.

"That'll do, pig." (<-Please, somebody tell me they know what this is from.)

Existential Drift...

I don't even know if the title is a term or not, but it makes sense in my head.

Here's what I meant by existential drift - it's that moment in time when you're thinking about the meaning of life, or why you're here, or what's your purpose, or what's it all mean, and then you shift from curiosity and awe into despair, angst, and terror. It's that reeeeally slow shift; that gradual slope that you don't catch until you're speeding down the slide into the deep, dark recesses of your existentially-terrified mind.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then kudos to you, my friend. For those who do know what I'm talking about, welcome to the club!

Benefits of Existential Drift

While this might sound asinine, there are wonderful implications about this experience and process.

1. It means you like to question things and don't accept what 'is' without serious inquiry. This is awesome! Except it can lead to despair if you let it snowball out of control.
2. It means that when you reach a point of feeling grounded, you can feel certain that it's the sort of ground that isn't going to crumble with a hard jump. In essence, you've laid a more solid foundation for yourself than you'd ever get from somebody else.
3. When you meet another angsty soul in this journey of life, you really get each other. On a meaningful level, you connect. It's like you know that you've each walked through the fiery pits of your own personal hells, and you relate.

All of that said, there are also cons. I think you can guess what they are, though.

Downsides of Existential Drift

1. When you're in the midst of it, you feel like a lunatic. Seriously, you doubt everything, you feel untethered from reality, unsure of which direction to go or how to even decide, and disconnected from everything and everyone.
2. Taking point one into consideration - it can lead into depression if not processed and sorted out properly. And by 'properly,' we don't mean in a cookie cutter way, we just mean in a way that helps you get to solid footing.
3. It sucks to experience.

That's really all there is to it. Well, technically, no, there's way more, but that's enough for an intro blog post.

Ride the Metaphorical Existential Wave

I also have to throw out there that if you're going through this or have gone through it, you're absolutely not alone. I mean, technically, you are, because that's one of the existential and universal human experiences, but you're not in that others before you and others after you will go through this very thing. It's part of being human (one of the crappy parts). It can also lead to a much richer life. Hold onto that while you ride the wave, my friend.

Be well and rock on.

You Know What To Do, But Do You DO It?

Here's the scenario. I'm in session with a couple and we start an intervention that requires stating things from a personal perspective for one person and listening and summarizing for the other (without giving their interpretation or jumping into why). Easy peasy, right?

WRONG. 

Here's another scenario. I'm doing supervision with students and I say, "Focus more on (counseling microskill) with client x" and students says, "I do that!" So we watch their recorded session and they find out what I've suspected the whole time - there's little evidence that they're doing the thing they thought they were doing (say that five times fast!).

Are you getting my point, yet? 

It's simple, really.

My point is that knowing something is absolutely not the same thing as doing it.

Theory vs. Application

If I were to tell you to go watch a breakdancing video (seriously, they're pretty amazing) and then do what they're doing on the screen, you'd probably give me a look like I'm an idiot. Rightfully so. Most people can't do the things that breakdancers can. 

Or, even better, if I were to say, "Hey, friend, go watch Bobby Fischer play a game of chess and then see if you can beat him!" Again, you'd look at me like I was an idiot. Because, at some level, you know you can't beat him by not practicing the game on your own. Realistically, the majority of the population can't beat him because, I mean, he was one of the greats. 

Why, then, if I say, "Hey, we're going to adopt a new way of communicating with each other," am I frequently met with, "I already know how to do that?" You'd be shocked at how many people think they know how to do it and then, when the time comes to actually do it, have to think really hard about how to say something, about setting aside their own agenda, and about being fully present for what their partner is saying. 

It's not a given skill to have - it's learned and gets better with practice.

I also don't know why people think it's just a natural thing they can do (some can, but most cannot), but my speculation is that it's just 'talking' and 'listening.' Allegedly, those things are 'easy' to do. 

Again, WRONG.

Knowing something is one thing. Actually being able to successfully do it? That's something else entirely.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not removed from this. I mess up all the time, in fact (just ask my husband). I say things wrong, I claim to be listening when I'm not, and I assume that I'm doing the thing I set out to do.

Doing things wrong isn't the issue. The issue is when we do it wrong, but think we're doing it right, and then make it seem like the other person is the one with the problem (because we haven't messed anything up!!). This ties back in with owning your stuff, actually. 

Practice

I'm writing this because I've been thinking about students and clients a lot lately (all the time, really), and I'm coming to find that people (myself included, at times) often think they're done when, in fact, they've just started. 

Long story short is this. 

We get better at things that a) we practice, and b) we get feedback on. The feedback piece is to actually make sure we're doing the thing we set out to do. We can't know how we're coming across unless we're recording ourselves or unless we have an outside perspective (*coughcough:: therapist::coughcough*) who's relaying back to us how we're coming across. OR giving us language that we don't have the experience to use. 

So, my point with this? You might think you're done, or that you've arrived, or that you're stellar at the thing you don't frequently practice but know all about, but you're probably not. Be open to that and embrace learning skills in a new way and with feedback (from a loving or supportive source). 

And I'm out.

Be well, my friends!

Own Your 'Stuff'

Owning Your Stuff

Individual Counseling | Columbia, Mo

This isn't a fun topic for people, although I would argue it's one of the most necessary things that people should do.  Personally, I love this topic. I love seeing people self reflect in such a way that they can honestly own whatever it is that they're doing in a given situation.  I also personally love this topic because I'd rather know what my stuff is then have it metaphorically slap me in the face later on to the point that I feel completely blindsided. 

It's also worth noting that this (owning your stuff) is the antidote to defensiveness, one of the four horsemen for couples who are in conflict. 

With all of that said, it's not necessarily fun to go through the process of owning your stuff. It's just not. It's uncomfortable, it's unpleasant, it involves self reflection and some level of self-doubt, as well as developing empathy for the person who's in the situation with you (or people, plural).

But then you get to the end result,  which is really about knowing yourself in a deep way, owning your faults, your quirks, your eccentric tease, the little nuances that make you who you are, and knowing what your core values are. 

If this isn't already obvious, this also ties in with self-reflecting on your own role BIG TIME (found as one of three things to do when dealing with difficult people). 

And I think it goes without saying, but I am absolutely of the belief that taking ownership of your stuff is necessary in fundamental to personal development and growth, as well as positively impactful on your relationships. In a nutshell, it's worth it.  

So, now we can get to the how-to. Yay, the fun part! 

1.  Self-Reflection

You must engage in self reflection. (Duh, right?) This can't be done in a variety of ways. You can start to journal, start to meditate, question your motives for doing things, or ask a beloved person in your life (someone you highly trust and has your best interest at heart, ideally) some questions about how you come across.  The last of these ideas can be difficult for people to do – I highly recommend it, but only if you have a safe and trusting relationship with that person.  

2. Apologize

This one seems obvious, but it's important to say. If you self reflect and/or realize that you made a mistake, freaking own up to it and apologize for your part in it! Only your part. I know, I know, much easier said than done. I get it.

However, that does not negate the fact that it should still be done. Yes, apologizing can suck, but there comes a point where the relationship you have with a person (if it's important to you) should take precedence over a need it to be right or any other reason for not apologizing. In a sense, this is an applicable owning of the stuff.  In other words, this is where you put your money where your mouth is. If owning your stuff is important to you (it should be), then apologies can, should, and do happen.  They get easier with practice – I promise. 

3.   Be Objective

Try to be objective about the situation.  If there's a certain situation that comes to mind with this topic, then what you can do to attempt to own your stuff is try to think about the situation from an objectivepoint of view.  Here's one that can look like – you pretty much position yourself as a fly on the wall (this might be you thinking about the situation, but this can also be done during of the situation). If a fly were watching the situation unfold and had no stake in either side, what would that fly report? I highly doubt the fly would report that one person was angelic and the other was demonic. Try to be objective. 

4. Listen Until They Feel Heard

LISTEN to the other person’s point of view. This ties in with a previous post - we must  listen in such a way that our partner  feels understood.   This entails setting aside your own agenda until it’s your turn to speak.

This also applies to groups of people, but for the sake of writing, let's stick with one person. A really simple way of starting to own your stuff and recognize your role in whatever circumstances are is to actually listen to what the other person is saying. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Yourself included – I'm not ignoring that by any means. But I will say is that the easiest way to be heard is to listen. If a person feels understood and heard, they are way more likely to listen to what you have to say. 

 That's all from me for now. Until next time! And start to practice owning your stuff!  

Conflict Avoidance by Listening (Easy as Pie)

Typical Fighting... Wanh Waaaaaanh

You know the song and dance...

Partner one says, "I'm upset about this thing that happened." Partner two says, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Partner one says, "You did xyz!" Partner two says, "That's only because you did abc!" And then the two careen into a fight that has no real beginning and no real end.

Both partners feel justified. Both partners feel vilified. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated.

IT SUCKS.

And while your fight may not look exactly like that, my guess is that it has its own path to destruction (e.g. somebody raises their voice, somebody shuts down, somebody name calls, somebody threatens divorce).

Here's the question I have for you, then.

If you could significantly cut down on any and all of the above by doing one simple thing, would you do it?

This thing isn't easy, necessarily, but it's pretty damn effective at avoiding the car crash of an argument that's waiting to happen between my partners one and two (see above).

Listening vs. Feeling Heard

Here's the long and short of it.

Listen to your partner until they feel heard (and before you say what you think).

I know, I know. "But I do listen to my partner!" Meh. Maybe? But, really, my guess is that you think you listen, but that doesn't mean your partner feels heard. This is a key distinction. Listening and feeling heard are not the same thing.

If you want to be heard in a conversation, you must (I repeat, must) listen first; listen until your partner feels understood and heard. You can check whether they feel heard by doing two simple things:

1. Summarizing what you hear them saying. Literally, paraphrase what they've shared and say it back to them.
2. Ask, "Am I understanding you correctly?" And, "Is there anything else?"

Once your partner, "Yes, that's it," then you say, "Great. I'm glad you feel understood. I'd like to share my thoughts and/or feelings and/or experience." And hopefully your partner feels comforted in being heard and then makes the space for you to share.

Boom. Recipe for a love connection.

That's just a joke, but seriously, this will help to ensure that both of you get a chance to share and be heard. And, again, this is simple, but I promise you it's not necessarily easy. Take some time to practice and make sure you share this with your partner so that they know what's going on!

Rock on, Wayne. Rock on, Garth.

Be well and good luck!