Demystifying the Process: How to End Counseling

Terminating the Session

You’ve made it! You and your therapist have decided that it’s time to end therapy. The length of therapy can vary for everyone. There could be many reasons such as: you may have reached your therapeutic goals, you may have to relocate, or maybe you have just decided it is not the right time (although anytime is a good time for mental health!). Either way, you’re ready for your last session. Just like the intake session, the termination session is a bit different than other sessions you have had. Experiencing a healthy good-bye is a powerful thing so it’s important to have a termination session. We want to provide you with a little of what to expect from it.

Layout of the session

Generally speaking, there are several things that will happen during the termination session. First, expect to reflect on what work you’ve done in (and out) of the therapy room. The whole point of therapy is to get you to where you feel confident that you have the resources to live connected, happy, and fully on your own. If you don’t reflect on where you’ve grown, you will not realize how much strength you have and may doubt that you are ready for termination.

Once you’ve talked about your progress, your therapist may want to talk about what to do when you don’t have them around. Handling the world on your own maybe scary and so it’s good to talk through what you can do before something big happens. In fact, you and your therapist may decide to schedule a follow up session several months out just to check in and see how things are going.

Another topic that is sure to be discussed will be the emotions around ending the relationship. You may or may not have ever had someone by your side that unconditionally supports you. This type of relationship is a very intimate one that is unlike any other and realizing it’s going to end maybe a hard pill to swallow.

Why does it feel like the world is crashing down again?!

You may have been completely prepared for this day. Although it may be a time to celebrate any progress you have made, you may be having second thoughts. Do I need just a few more sessions? Is there work I still need to do before I end it? But wait, what about this huge emergency that just came up!? Take a breath. It’s normal to feel some anxiety about ending therapy. Losing a supporter may feel earth shattering, but remember this: You are the reason you have come so far. All your therapist has done is shown you the self-esteem you have within you.

But what if you really aren’t ready to end your journey of self-healing? A few things come to mind. First, you and your therapist will have spent some time talking about the ending of therapy already. It’s not just an “in the moment” decision and your input is what the decision has been based upon. Second, your therapist will not leave you to drown. If your work is not complete, then your therapist will have referrals for you. Finally, it maybe a test run. You could try out your new skills and if you need your therapist, they’ll be right back there with you.

Is it okay to…?

You may feel deeply appreciative for the guidance of your therapist during your time together. Many things may come up at the last session that you may have never thought of before. You may want to give them a special gift, ask to be their friend, or give your therapist a hug. Spending so much intimate time together with another human is bound to create strong bonds, so it’s not uncommon for you to have these ideas. Accepting a gift will depend on the therapist. What will happen (with us anyway- we can’t speak for all therapist in the world) will be a discussion about what the gift means. Gifts are often symbolic, and your therapist might want to explore what it means for you to give the gift and for your therapist to receive it. Asking to be a friend of your therapist might be disappointing. Although they truly like you as a person, they’re probably not going to be your “friend” or grab coffee and shoot shit (this a whole different blog post about why, but nutshell version is that it’s unfair to you). Lastly, giving your therapist a hug will likely be the therapist’s personal and professional preference. You might want to check that it's okay before you go in for the hug and, just as with the gift, your therapist may want to talk with you about what the hug means. We aren’t trying to dissect you every move, but just like you might not like chocolate cake; they might not like hugs.

Your therapist feels it, too!

When you and your therapist sit down and talk about the deepest and most vulnerable parts of you and your journey, it’ll have an effect on your therapist too. Although it might seem like they “always” have their stuff together, therapists are human too. They’ll likely be moved by your strength and determination. Your progress, no matter how large or small, is something that your therapist will want to celebrate.

Remember, this is not forever.

We don’t aim to be repetitive, but, what your therapist wants most for you is to feel like you have the capability and tools to face whatever life throws your way. This means that even though your therapist would love to see you and work with you more, the hope is that you can leave therapy and never have to come back. But, old habits die hard and life can be crazy and unpredictable. It is okay to come back to therapy if you need it (read: its’s not a sign of failure). In the event that you need therapy again (or you want to write a letter to update your therapist on your continued progress), your therapist will be there, ready to help you through life’s trenches. Life’s trenches are full of constant transitions, and your therapist gets that. We aren’t trying to cut all ties, but we were not meant to be a permanent part of your life.

The termination session can be emotionally charged. It may be a time of grief over the separation, happiness over the accomplishments, and nervousness over the future. Hopefully, you can spend the whole time talking about the progress you made and how you will handle life in the future. You may or may not want to show your appreciation of your therapist- both are fine! Maybe you’ll need a follow up session or maybe you’ll need referrals. No matter how the session goes, it’s important to remember that you are the reason you have come so far. You have put in hard work and have the strength to continue your journey. You are amazing.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Lyons

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Accepting That People Might Not Like You

This seems funny to talk about, but it’s actually a significant factor in lots of lives. Here's the long and short of it. You will interact with people who don’t like you.  WILL. Not “maybe you can sway them,” but actually, “some people won’t like you.” Period. 

Sit with that.

Is it hard to stomach? Are you feeling okay with it or is it something that makes you feel a little bit icky on the inside?  

Okay, now sit with this. You go to say something to another person and are met with a look of disgust or contempt, and you feel slightly gut-punched because it came out of nowhere and you don’t know what you did wrong. You start reflecting and thinking about what you said, how you said it, what you were thinking about when you said it and if your facial expression was an accurate representation of the message you were trying to relay, if what you said is a trigger for this other person (or could possibly be?!), if you’ve ever had an interaction like that with them before, or if they seemed like they were having a bad day and you shouldn’t have tried to talk to them in the first place.

BLEGH. All of those thoughts race through your head in a matter of 3 seconds. Then you spend the next three days feeling terrible, the three after that figuring out what you should do about it, and then the next three thinking about the next time you see them. At the same time, you start thinking how uncomfortable it’s going to be, how awkward you feel because you’re not even sure what you did wrong in the first place, and then you spend three more days after that acting like you don’t care and trying to let it go. Except one day you randomly think about it (again) which starts the whole process over.

Does that sound more familiar? 

It’s okay if it does! I mean, it doesn’t sound very pleasant, by any means, but it’s okay that the process occurs for you.

My guess is that you don’t feel comfortable with it and want to be able to let go of feeling totally wrapped up with whatever the situation was. 

Realistically, part of existing in life means that people aren’t going to Iike you. It’s going to be based on a variety of factors, some of which you could probably change (but would you want to?) and some of which have nothing to do with you.

Maybe a question to think about and reflect on is whether or not it’s worth it to invest your energy in a person who seems to not like you, or whether it’s time for you to invest your time in working on yourself through counseling with Tim, who specializes in social relationships. I’ll give you a hint - one has a much higher and long-term payoff than the other. 

How to Talk About Issues with a Loved One

This is our bread and butter, really. “How to talk with others” is the shorter version of the title (and is way more general). However, we’re keeping it specific because, while some people struggle with basic conversation (for a variety of reasons), others struggle with bringing up and/or talking about hard things. For the sake of this post, we’re using “hard things” as interchangeable with “issues and problems,” as lots of people feel that way.

So, let’s talk (<- get it). ;)

There’s a very simple and basic structure to having a difficult conversation. And, I know, I know - you probably already know this. Just humor me, yes? My guess is that you wouldn’t be reading this if you were putting the (simple) formula into practice.

To make it easier to understand, let’s go with an example (which is all made up). John is upset with his father, Randy. John is celebrating his first Father’s Day and invited his dad, Randy, to dinner to celebrate with him. Randy declined, saying he’d rather stay in and watch golf. John keeps inviting Randy to do things, but frequently gets turned down and this was the final straw. 

How should John approach this (if at all)?! Let’s dive in, shall we? *One thing to note is that these all come with caveats. So don’t just read the list, make sure to read the details. 

1. State your feelings.
   Simple enough. You should LEAD with your feelings. Rather than approach Randy with criticism and say, “You always let me down!” John should say something to the effect of, “Dad, I’m hurt and disappointed about Father’s Day.”
   
   Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. “But Tara, that’s the same thing!” Sure, on some level, it is. But imagine the first phrase being said to you and tell me that you don’t feel a little bit defensive and then want to counter with, “I don’t always let you down! I was just over there last month!” And sure, the second phrase could (will, depending on the person and situation) evoke a defensive reaction, but it’s less likely and what is there to argue with? I mean, John is, literally, just stating how he feels. He’s not being accusatory or blaming his Dad. Owning his feelings is a healthy move.
   

2. State the situation.
   This is done in a ‘taking ownership’ way. It’s not a “you did this and you did that” sort of way. In essence, this is the description of John’s subjective experience. Subjective because maybe Randy had no idea his wanting to stay in and watch golf would even impact John at all. John should say something like, “I’ve invited you over about four times in the past month and you haven’t stopped by yet. I know you’re busy and I respect that. I’ve tried to accommmodate your schedule and I was hoping Father’s Day would be the perfect day to spend some quality time together.”
   
   Okay, so John is verbose and articulate. Stop judging him. ;)
   
   Well said, John! He nailed it, really. Nothing is wrong with saying “you” if (big “if”) it’s not followed by an accusatory statement. Describing a situation often involves other people, and thus the language of ‘you.’ Just be really intentional with how it’s said.
   

3. State your needs.
   Ah, lastly, John’s needs. This is my favorite part. Basically, just because John states his needs doesn’t mean Randy has to meet them.
   
   Read that again because it’s key.
   
   Just because John states his needs doesn’t mean Randy has to meet them.
   
   Okay, you might be thinking, “Then what’s the point?” The point is to finish a full thought and description of your internal state and needs. And the further point is that you can’t expect people to even attempt to meet your needs if they don’t know what they are. The short version is that it’s to clarify your needs for the other person.
   
   An example of this would be John saying, “Dad. I really just need to know that you care and, honestly, I need to see you more often.”
   

And there you have it. So, let’s string this all together to get the full effect.

John’s Script: 
Dad. I’m hurt and disappointed about Father’s Day. I’ve invited you over about four times in the past month and you haven’t stopped by yet.. I know you’re busy and I respect that. I’ve tried to accommmodate your schedule and I was hoping Father’s Day would be the perfect day to spend some quality time together. Dad. I really just need to know that you care and, honestly, I need to see you more often.

Boom. 

Again, imagine somebody you love saying this to you. I hope you’d react with an internal softening and an, “Oh my gosh. That’s not what I meant or how I feel! I’d love to see you more, too!” But maybe not. Of course, if you’re uncomfortable with this whole thing and don’t know how you’d actually do something like it? Well, there’s always counseling. ;)

My Friend is Driving Me Crazy - What Do I Do?!

We focus on relationships at The Counseling Hub, but when we talk about relationships, we’re not specifically talking about romantic relationships or intimate partnerships. The term relationship implies relationships of any kind. And, much like with partnerships, relationships contain their own set of problems.

Here are three things you can do if you have a friendship with somebody who is currently driving you crazy (colloquially speaking). 

1. Tell the friend. 
   This might seem crazy (it’s not), but you could just talk directly with your friend. Of course, this is very much dependent on the situation and your relationship, but it’s completely doable. If you say it in the right way, then it’s feasible that your friend says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve had so much on my own plate that I can’t even think outside of myself.” Okay, so that response is doubtful, but you know you did what you could, in terms of saying things in a nice way (i.e. focus on your feelings and experience, not on shaming, blaming, or criticizing your friend). 
    
2. Let it ride. 
   This might sound silly, but sometimes people get in funks. You’ve been there, I’ve been there, they’ve been there - we’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s really more about letting things go than addressing them. The hard part is figuring out which is which, but be mindful of what’s going on in your friend’s life. If they just lost their job, are going through a divorce, and have a three year old, then it’s probably life stuff. If nothing has changed and they’re seemingly suddenly rude to you, then it might be something else. With all that said, life stuff doesn’t give people permission to be dicks (or abusive), but it does give us more context
    
3. Be angry. 
   Here’s another funny sounding option. Just be angry about it!! I’m not saying be angry, build resentment, blow up on your friend, and expect everything to be better. What I am saying is that you can be angry or upset when people treat you poorly. There’s a difference between allowing yourself to be treated poorly and giving distance but feeling angry. Angry doesn’t equal you have to say anything or bring it up. Angry usually signifies a perceived injustice or unfair situation, and that’s perfectly healthy.

Long story short is that there are a multitude of ways that you can address this and only three of those ways is listed above. And the reason you decide to choose one or another way should be based on your relationship with that person, your level of hurt, the situation/context, and anything else I’m not listing here (although I’m sure there are plenty of other factors).  

It’s also worth noting that I’m hardcore speaking in generalities. Having a specific situation, one where I could ask some questions to get clear, would be more useful here. With that said, this is just a general guideline - it’s definitely not the be all end all of addressing things with a friend. Think of it as a start. 

8 Reasons Counseling is Not the Same as Friendship

This is a comment and question we get frequently. "Isn't counseling just like having a friend?"

No, no, no, no, and nope (for good measure).

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. Probably because I hear people say things like, “I’m good at telling people what to do. I’m basically a counselor,” or, “My friends always ask my advice. I pretty much do counseling.”  As a counselor educator (one who trains future counselors) and counselor in private practice, I need to clarify why this is inaccurate.

*Just because it's not a friendship doesn't mean there aren't high levels of care and comraderie in the counseling office. We very much care for our clients and sometimes wish we could be friends outside of sessions! But we can't!!

In short, counseling and friendship are not the same thing. Also, as a side note, I could go on and on and on about this, so I’ll keep the rationales brief. :)

Your Friend is Not Your Counselor

1. Friendship is a two-way street and counseling is not.
   Long and short of this is that your counselor isn’t going to cry on your shoulder about the problems they’re going through (like divorce, death, confusion about career, depression, loneliness, etc.). That’s because it’s our job (and we LOVE IT) to put our clients first. While you might know what goes on in your counselor’s life, you’re paying for time to work through and process your own issues. We respect that and it should be your time completely. Not to mention there are ethical issues against counselors disclosing too much to clients. That’s boring to talk about, though (even if important for counselors to know).
   

2. Counseing is confidential.
   This is such a serious thing for a counselor. Basically, we’re not allowed to talk about you or the details of your problem with anybody. There are some exceptions and stipulations (like consultation or reporting child abuse, among others), but long and short of it is that we’re not going to your other friends to ask the what they think about the things you’ve told us!
   

3. Counselors are as objective as possible.
   The beauty in counselors is that we don’t feel obligated or compelled to withhold information or thoughts or feedback on the basis of it might hurt your feelings. Obviously (I hope obviously, anyway), we’re not setting out to say horrible things and hurt your feelings intentionally. My point is that we’re compelled to point out hard truths, or at least ask questions about hard truths that your friends might not feel comfortable asking.
   

4. Counselors don’t “give advice.”
   Look, if you’re looking for an answer, then you’re coming to the wrong place. If you want to know, “Should I do x or y?!” from your counselor, you’re screwed. Your counselor should not tell you what to do. What we do, instead, is help you to figure out what decision makes the most sense for you, in your life, with your relationships and feelings and experiences. Barring certain situations (domestic violence, for example), how on earth would your counselor know what’s best for you? In short, your friends might tell you exactly what they think you should do. Your counselor should not.
   

5. Counselors are trained to listen to what you’re not saying.
   This sounds silly, but it’s true. We’re trained to listen to what’s not being said. Friends don’t really do that. They tend to listen to what’s being said and directly respond to it. For example, if Susie wants to leave her husband, Frank, and she tells her friend, her friend might say, “Whatever makes you happy, Susie. You haven’t seemed happy lately!” And that’s a supportive friend - we get it. But if Susie says that to her counselor, her counselor is going to ask a shit-ton of questions about a variety of factors that might be influencing her decision, as well as underlying feelings and the meaning of such decisions (again, thinks that aren’t necessarily said out loud without prompting).
   

6. Counselors don’t take it personal when you do what you want (as you should).
   Counselors know that what you decide to do is your responsibility, as well as your life!! We don’t take it personal when a client does whatever they want to do with their life, even if the client makes the same mistake they’ve made in their past three relationships and has been working on said issue for past four months. It’s not that we don’t care - we do. We care way too much sometimes. It’s just that we know people are people and each person (read: client) has their life to live. Mistakes are part of that and not personal attacks on us. Friends might not take it the same way.
   

7. You won’t hold back (as much) information from your counselor.
   I don’t know about you, but I’m ridiculously more forthcoming about things with my counselor than I am with my friends. Again, time-limited and intense discussion is expected. That said, I dive right in. That’s not the case with all friendships, but that’s totally expected with a counselor, and that expectation can make a world of difference.
   

8. Your friend thinks they want to know everything, but they probably don’t.
   This sounds weird, but it’s true. Some things, we just don’t want to know about our friends. You might not want to know that Susie is questioning leaving Frank. You might not want to know that Tori is struggling with sexual identity. You might not want to know that Dale was sexually abused as a child. Some information forever changes our perception of a person, and some people feel forever seen in a different light (and hate it). It’s worth noting that as lovely and warm as your friends probably are, not everybody wants to know everything (possibly).
   

That’s all. Phew. Long list with lots of typing. I probably could expand on each of these, but that’s surely enough for now. Questions? Reach out! Want to schedule? Contact us here! 

Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen | Antidotes

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?! 

Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point! 

Four Horsemen Recap

Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).

The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.

You see what I mean?

It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).

SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.

The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!

Show Me The Antidotes!!

Short version is this:

criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs

Super easy, right? #winkyface

Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!

From Criticism to Gentle Startup

With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.

• State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
• Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
• THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”

Taking Responsibility

With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.

It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.

Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall

With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.

Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.

The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.

Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt

Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”

Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.

Contempt - Horsemen 4/4

The Four Horsemen | Contempt

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

And awaaaaaay we goooooo! (That's a Mario reference, just as an fyi). 

Quick recap, we've covered criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You understand how much they suck and how much we want to change them. And now, we move on.

Alrighty. Last, but definitely not least, we've got contempt.

PHEW. 

Contempt is the most corrosive of all the four horsemen. And that's exactly what I tell my couples when they come in for couples counseling.

Contempt - What is it?!

In couples counseling terms, we see contempt as a moral superiority over one's partner. Basically, if you're contemptuous, you see yourself as better than your partner and as having the 'moral' high ground.

It's a dangerous road to go down. It's also the last horizon, so to speak. When people get to this point, they're generally at the very end of their tether, already stuck in the same old song and dance of going from criticism to defensiveness to stonewalling, and they're done.

Once you see yourself as better than another person, then there's no room for that other person to have opinions, feelings, or thoughts - in essence, almost everything they say is bunk because, well, you're 'better' than them and don't have value for their experience. 

I've got contempt. WHAT DO I DO?!

Here's the deal, though. It's not as though it's unfixable. Most things (most, not all) are workable. Not necessarily resolvable, although that's a different post, but workable. Just because you have contempt for your partner currently doesn't mean that there aren't antidotes to working on your horsemen.

The first step in all of it is recognizing when it takes place. And it's easy to do that when you know how it looks, sounds, and feels.

Contempt looks, sounds, and feels like...

Contempt looks like the images on the right. It's a one-sided lip tightening. The images are pretty pronounced, also. It can be a look that stays on one's face or (frequently) it can be fleeting. A quick expression that's gone as quickly as it shows up. 

It can also look like eye rolling and heavy sighing. Think about a teenager - they think their parent(s) are "sooo laaaame!" And this is punctuated by heavy eye rolls and big sighs. It's the same in adults. 

Contempt sounds like hostile humor. It sounds like sarcasm (when it's not banter back and forth or when it's not received well), mocking, name calling, belligerence, goading, or verbal jabs. 

Contempt feels like being belittled, condescended to, dismissed, or small. 

There are more words and ways to describe contempt, but that's the long and short of it. Again, it's the most toxic or corrosive of all the horsemen. And it sucks to be embedded in that dance.

I'll say this, though. If you do it and want your relationship to work, then take heart. It happens to the best of us. And, importantly, even the happiest, healthiest couples have bad experiences with conflict (or even basic communication). The ratio of positive to negative interactions is much higher than in unhappy relationships, but it still happens. 

If you need help with all of the above, you know we're here for you! Email us right now to get your questions answered or to get scheduled with one of our team members. 

Stonewalling - Horsemen 3/4

The Four Horsemen | Stonewalling

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Alrighty. We've covered criticism and defensiveness. And now it’s on to the next one.

Stonewalling, my friends.

This is the third horseman of the four. This one is pretty interesting, though, in that there’s some physiology that’s at play.

This is the long and short of what happens.

Partners A and B start having a discussion with heart rates around 70 beats per minute (average). It shifts into a conflict discussion/argument/disagreement. Partner A’s heart rate jumps to 80 beats per minute the second the conversation heats up. Partner B’s heart rate has gone up to about 74.

The conversation continues and intensifies. Nothing terrible, but definitely intense.

Then, a criticism. And then defensiveness.

Partner A’s heat rate has jumped even more, to about 88 beats per minute. Partner B is just now reaching 78.

At this point, we’d encourage partner A to engage in some self-soothing, in order to bring their heart rate down, but they’re not in therapy and they don’t know about the need for self-soothing. In fact, they don’t even realize they’ve escalated to that point.

The conflict continues and Partner A hits about 95-100 beats per minute. At that point, partner A is done. In essence, their body says to them, “Nope, too much. I’m done, dude. I’m shutting down,” and that’s exactly what happens. Partner A has hit diffuse physiological arousal. In essence, partner A can’t think straight, can’t hear what’s being said, can’t focus, and their face and responses reflect a wall (hence “stonewall”).

Why it’s interesting is that it’s the only horseman to be a direct response to physiological arousal (too much of it and not in the right context - #heyo #sextherapyftw).

What’s even more interesting is that, generally speaking, when partner A shuts down, partner B’s heart rate jumps!!! As in, now they’re feeling a heightened state of arousal much in the same way partner A was initially. And they're a little bit in freak out mode because they want to reconnect with parter A. It's infuriating, but is rife with panic!

It’s all chaos from there. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I mean, it can definitely slide into further chaos, but it can also be addressed accordingly. In saying that, I mean to say that self-soothing is one way of handling stonewalling (and flooding, which can lead to stonewalling).

And also this: just because you may tend to stonewall (or be with a partner that stonewalls) doesn't mean it's "stuck" that way forever. There are very tried and true methods for alleviating the horsemen and the result is a much healthier, happier, and connected relationship. Also, these methods are part of the antidotes to the four horsemen, which are necessary for changing poor communication patterns!

Much like every other post on here, it’s easy (and fascinating) to talk about, but not as easy to overcome. Meaning that it’s simple, but still can be difficult to put into practice. That’s where couples counseling can be helpful (one of many ways it can be helpful).

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tara Vossenkemper | Couples Therapist & Marriage Counselor

Tara Vossenkemper is the founder, owner, and therapist with  The Counseling Hub, and a counselor (LPC) in the state of Missouri. She specializes in couples therapy and marriage counseling using the highly effective Gottman Method Couples Therapy (and is currently obtaining her certification, which requires three levels of training and ongoing consultation - it's a necessarily rigorous process that she loves).

Tara has a diverse set of clinical experiences, working with both adolescents and adults on issues ranging from eating disorders and anxiety to spirituality and existential crises. However, she is most passionate about couples therapy and marriage counseling. Tara enjoys working with couples looking to decrease or enhance conflict, relearn healthy and effective communication, or are healing from an affair. She's also been formally trained as in the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara is also earning her Ph.D. from the University of Missouri - Saint Louis. She's "ABD" (all but dissertation) and furiously researching and writing to finish things up. She's presented at national, regional, and state conferences, as well as locally, on the topics of discrimination, sexual minority distress, spirituality, healthy lifestyle and mental health, and private practice.