Reflection Over The Year: Tim

Looking Back

As I reflect back on 2018, I realize that this past year has brought about many changes to my life. Growth happens to be the word that comes to mind most often during my reflections. This happened in many parts of my life and I couldn’t be more pleased. Growing responsibilities, family, and realizations of my priorities have completely changed the way I view my life. This is difficult, as well as fulfilling.

If this year has taught me anything, it is that patience is key. I feel like I live my life chasing the next goal. I can’t remember ever stopping and actually thinking about where I am. I wouldn’t say I was unappreciative, but rather unaware. I’ve burnt myself out in the past by chasing after things that simply take time. I don’t want to say they’re easy and I can definitely say I worked for them. However, I’ve achieved some goals and got to a place in my life where I am starting to get comfortable. I mean this in a positive sense. I still have drive and I still have goals. I’m just learning that things take time. This realization has brought me much more patience in regards to myself and others around me.

You’ll Understand

I’ve finally realized why I was told, “you’ll understand when you have a child.” I was selfish because it was something I could afford to be. Of course, I spent a lot of time focused on my happiness. I made lists and spent many hours thinking about the options that I had in regards to my home life and the freedom I had in regards to time and finances. This has drastically changed with the recent addition to our family. My wife and I recently welcomed a baby girl into this world and this has shaken all of our priorities up. This change has forced me to view everything differently. I haven’t figured out if it’s forced me to view anything more positively or negatively. I think I’ll just stick with differently. I feel that I’ve always understood the stressors that come along with being an individual that is unsure of what the future for them looks like. I’ve also understood many situations that include partners and transitions that occur to young adults. However, parenthood was never a topic that I acted like I understood. I feel like I’m slowly growing to understand it, but I also feel that it is something I will continue to learn throughout my life.

 Listen, Relax, and Slow Down

These changes in my life, along with realizing that I needed to slow down and focus on relationships, have encouraged me to put more faith in the messages I receive from the loved ones around me. I am very self-critical, as are many people, due to making the same mistakes I’ve seen others make countless times. We are all chasing our own versions of perfection and I feel like this has caused disappointment for myself. There’re many things we can’t control and there is a reason we can’t control them. Many mistakes happen and choices are made for us. This can be frustrating. I want to take control of my life and when major changes occur, we can feel that our control is slipping. This is a perfectly natural occurrence. We are not immune to changes, but adaptable when these situations arise.

Things get in the way sometimes and we’re unable to focus on the specific goals that we have set for ourselves. This is okay.

I think this realization has allowed me to truly relax when I need a break. My work demands the best of me. My friends demand the best of me. My family demands the best of me. However, nobody will get the best of me if I am not willing to reflect upon the way I think and the way I act. I can take time to make sure that I am the best I can be. We all can. We can all take time to make sure that we are the healthiest and most effective versions of ourselves. This is what counseling is all about, right?

I am no longer racing towards goals. Racing only causes me to miss things along the way. A slower and more methodical approach allows me to view everything in its entirety. Life isn’t a race and they’re so many things that happened in 2018 that helped me to understand that. When making major purchases, you should take your time to ensure that your money will be well spent. When identifying problems within a relationship, you should take your time to evaluate your expectations. When committing to long-term changes, you should take your time identifying whether the changes actually need to happen. What I’m trying to say is that it is important to fully assess where you are at before you jump ship or change courses. I think this year has been important in that I have learned that taking time away from big decisions (when you have this opportunity) allows you to assess the decisions with clarity.

Finding What Works

Along with taking some personal time away, I feel that I should include that my time away was not in solitude. I was and still am surrounding myself with people that care about me. I am working on relationships that I have in order to get to a place where I feel safe to process through intimate details with the people I am closest to. While there may be some people who do their best work on their own, I am not that person. I need healthy relationships with reasonable and smart people. They don’t need to be geniuses. They just need to know how to communicate effectively. I was looking to people who would listen. I was strengthening those relationships in order to be able to process through my problems and my stressors effectively. This is made me appreciate my friends and family so much more.

 Work Changes

Switching to my work life, I have encountered an abundance of change. Looking back on it, the only negative part I can pull from it was my feelings about initial changes and resistance to embracing them as positive changes. I think what I was resistant to was the changes that made me uncomfortable. I am a creature of habit and can struggle to make needed changes. I feel I try to convince myself that things are fine the way they are. I think the changes in my personal life have forced me to accept changes as they are a normal part of life. The changes in my work life have definitely been a benefit for me and have pushed me to become a better person. I think I have become a better clinician, however, the changes that I’ve made due to my work life have impacted me more personally than I had initially thought they would.

Through the work of being a part of a growing practice, I have learned that complacency is a quick way to find failure. This has encouraged me to view things differently in practice and has forced me to take a second look at the way I view things outside of therapy. I have learned that we are never finished working on ourselves. I feel like this is pretty broad, but there is constantly a need for us to change as a practice and as individuals. This is uncomfortable for me. As stated before, I am a creature of habit. The changes in our practice, while minor, are still new. Due to this fact, there is a sliver of stress that comes along with it. It is definitely humbling to encounter a change that must be made and still struggle the commitment to this change. I feel like this is starting to sound very abstract, but I feel like it is very true to my situation.

Another key to my work life has been the demands that it places on me. This isn’t going to be typical “stressed with work” portion of the blog. These demands have pushed me out of my comfort zone and force me to face things that I haven’t previously faced. This has resulted in a higher amount of learned techniques to accomplish goals. This helps me to measure my value in a productive manner by measuring successes, rather than focusing on my failures.

I am very thankful for the opportunity that I have. I work with other professionals that share the same passion I have for counseling. I know I stress relationships when speaking about my personal life, but they’re just as important in my professional life. We all make mistakes and it is very refreshing to have a kind group of people to call you out when you’re not being sincere. They’re able to identify when I am slipping up or when I am being lazy. This is important. This provides me a source of accountability. These are the types of people that you need around. We all need people who will call us on our mistakes and correct us when we are wrong. It’s so much easier when those people are also kind and supportive. The work that I’ve done with supportive people in my life has been much more meaningful to me then my other accomplishments. I can reflect with others on the times that we accomplished group goals. I know many people, including myself, place a lot of pride in their ability to complete goals without other people. However, accomplishments that are made with others seem to be so much easier to celebrate. This leads to a situation where someone is there to give you a congratulations and a high five.  I’m not sure of everyone’s opinions of high fives, but I thoroughly enjoy them. It’s fun seeing the joy in somebody else and it is even more enjoyable when you realize that you have some ownership of the cause of their joy. Celebrating successes have been a large part of the past year and it’s really exciting to think about. I’m not celebrating major wins, but it nice to feel like you are moving in the right direction.

 Baby 2018 + Puppy 2018 = Not Recommended

Switching to a less serious topic, having a baby and getting a puppy in the same year is not something I would recommend. I love them both, however, they are both very demanding. My patience with my child is far greater than my patience with my dog. He is frustrating and attention seeking, while also very sweet and loving. I keep reminding myself that he is doing what most of us do. We alert others when we are not feeling well or we are bored in order to get our needs met. Previously, I would get frustrated and regret the decision to bring a dog home. However, he is now behaving much better and proving to me that utilizing my personal time to form meaningful relationships has its benefits, even if the relationship is with a dog. It sounds silly, but the lessons I have learned in 2018 are astronomical.

 Change

Changes are difficult and bad habits are hard to break. However, we own the ability to dictate where we belong and how we will behave. This is important to remember and should be a reminder to everyone (me, included) that we should never make changes simply to satisfy others. Make changes that will help you personally. Allow yourself to be selfish in order to attain happiness. This will help you to be truer to yourself, resulting in better relationships and thankful friends and family that have desired to see the best you that was available.

The patience and understanding I learned have directly transferred into my work life, helping to increase my relationships across the board. I’m very thankful for 2018. I’m a happier person due to the additions we have had in our family. At the core, I think this all comes back to my relationships. As for those relationships, 2018 was a great reminder that I have some damn good ones.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TIM FITZPATRICK

Tim is a provisional counselor with The Counseling Hub, a counseling practice in Columbia, Mo that focuses on meaningful connection between self, partners, and others. Tim enjoys working with both adolescents and adults on issues regarding making major life changes or transitions, enhancing and building meaningful relationships, wanting to build confidence, wanting to grow self-esteem, anxiety, depression, experiencing an inability to enjoy life, and feeling as though they are being taken advantage of. Tim is an active member of the American Counseling Association, the national counseling association for the United States.

Tim earned his Master's of Science in Clinical Counseling from Central Methodist University. He is currently a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri and has presented and written on topics including the influence of parental support on depressive symptoms, ethical practice, and the development of adults based on marital status.

Reflection Over the Year: Molly Lyons

End of Year Reflection

Reflection can be a helpful tool when thinking about what you want to change in the coming year. It can also allow you to see how far you’ve come. Reflecting on my last year, it wasn’t a terrible year, but it also wasn’t full of glitter and rainbows. This year was definitely full of self-improvement through higher-education, trying to manage a new career, and being a parent. Truthfully, at times it was exhausting! I like to think of myself as a generally grateful and positive person, but I’m sure there were times that I was very crabby and ungrateful over the last year. Times that I want to block out and hope the universe doesn’t ever provide me with again. On a lighter note, thinking back over 2018 I do know that I have grown a lot as both a person and as a counselor. This year was one that has taught me a lot of new lessons as well as reminded me of old lessons that I had forgotten.

Growth as a Person

One lesson that I was reminded of this past year was the lesson of staying humble. I spent several hours volunteering at a homeless shelter over the summer. This experience, which I had done frequently when I was growing up, had always been so very humbling. It had been at least ten years since I’d done this type of work and it felt so good to give my time again. Working alongside the residents in the shelter, I was able to connect with people who although live a very different life than I, are people just as I am. People who want the same things I want in life; a safe space to sleep at night, food for their belly, and a loving place for their children to live. People that have had a rough go and are still trying their hardest to make their lives better. People from all walks of life who have experienced different traumas, oppression, and difficult times. Reflecting on this experience I realized that often I will find myself wishing I had things that aren’t necessary. We all do. But when you have a reality check of working with people who have nothing but a few changes of clothes, you learn that all the extra stuff in life isn’t necessary. It’s nice, but not necessary. Giving my time may have not been convenient, but it allowed me to not only help those in need but humbled me. It reminded me of what I have and how fortunate I am to have it.

Not as dramatic as helping those less fortunate than I, I really took time this last year for self-care. This was a new lesson that I had claimed I never had the time for. Trying to juggle so many different hats (being a mom, a spouse, a friend, a daughter, a student, a counselor, etc.) was super hard. So many times, my head fell between my hands and I had to take deep breaths to regain my sanity. Few less times that happened this year than last year because my attempt for self-care. Self-care for me doesn’t look like an extravagant day of self- indulging (although that would be nice). It looked more practical for a busy mom. It looked like locking the bathroom door when I took a shower so that no kids could come in. It looked like not doing any work or homework after 9 pm so that I could go to bed on time (I love my sleep!). It looked like changing up my diet to eat more fruits and veggies and less chips- which didn’t feel like self-care until I started feeling the difference in my mood from eating good food. It looked like spending time talking to my kids about their day even though I had a lot I needed to do. Self-care meant doing small things that made my head and heart feel good. It made a huge difference in my life over the last year. It allowed me to feel rejuvenated. It allowed me to feel like a better mom, spouse, friend, daughter, student, and counselor. It allowed me to take time to consider what I wanted in order to be everything that I needed to be for everyone else. Self-care was reframed from something that I can’t have because it’s selfish and I don’t have time, to something necessary.

Growth as a Counselor

This is probably where I’ve had the most growth this year. It hasn’t been easy. I like to tell the people I work with that growth is uncomfortable and it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy for budding therapists either. Facing many insecurities and self-doubts have been the theme of my growth as a counselor. More specifically, learning that it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. Thinking back to the beginning of the year and reflecting on what I thought a counselor should be has shifted. I always wanted to say the “right” thing to help people. Was the approach I was using the most effective? Was what I said the right reflection of their feelings? Was my body language perfectly open? Although these are very good things for counselor to consider (and should), at some point a counselor needs to trust their self. It was uncomfortable to realize that there’s probably never the prefect thing to say or the prefect technique to use. Simply being there for someone when they need a non-judgmentful ear is sometimes all a person needs. Showing that I’m a human, capable of mistakes has left me feeling much more relaxed and present in sessions. I guess what it boils down to is confidence.

Areas to Further Improve

It’d be ridiculous to claim that I’ve have no more areas to continue for self-improvement. Being honest with myself means that I have areas that I need to set goals for, just as I do with the people who sit across the couch from me. Self-improvement is a continual thing, not a destination. Reflecting on how far I have come over the last year as professional and as a person gives me hope that I can continue self-improvement with the momentum I’ve had over the last year. No, I am not going to divulge what I plan on working on over the upcoming year, but I do have some things in mind. I hope to follow up with my success story and a few unexpected lessons learned next year- stay tuned!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

MOLLY LYONS

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

The Practice of Gratitude

Ahhh, the wonderful time of year where everyone goes around the table and talks about what they are thankful for. Personally, I love winter holidays but, the idea of expressing what we are thankful for is something I strive for daily. Yep. You read that right. Every single day. This can be difficult when everything starts to pile up on your plate. One day your car breaks down, you don’t have a place to sleep, you find your counselor isn’t a good fit but you’re stuck, you break up with your partner, or you are struggling at work or school. The list goes on and on with what could go wrong. We know this can be really tough.

How About What Goes Right?

When we focus on what is going right in our life, we tend to realize that we have a lot to be thankful for. We are ready to show appreciation for others and things in our life. Practicing daily gratitude can lower depression and make you happier. Not only can it help you as an individual, but for couples, it can improve your relationship. We are often quick to criticize and not provide positive affirmation to our partner.

“Well, I say thank you.”

That’s great! Saying thank you to people is not only polite, but shares that you are thankful. This is where gratitude can grow. Gratitude is deep. It’s the moment when someone gets a popped tire with three kids in the car and is stranded on the road. Then, someone stops to help out of the kindness of their heart. The parent is grateful, and might even feel they owe something to the individual who helped them out. It’s the idea that someone was extremely extremely grateful for something. A half “thanks for doing that” is totally different from, “thank you so much for helping my family out”. Next time you go to say thank you, see if you are saying it slightly out of polite habit, or because you recognize and are grateful for the fact someone went out of their way for you.

Two Components

Gratitude has two components to it. The first would be affirmation of goodness, such as affirming the fact that there are good things in the world (gifts and benefits we receive). The second would be recognizing the sources of happiness are outside of ourselves (in this case). We totally get you can have happiness within yourself (and we hope you do!) but in order for there to be gratitude, someone has to be providing something. The “something” does not have to be an item though. People can be grateful for company, time, and much more. The idea is that you feel a strong compassion.

How do I do this?

Practicing daily gratitude takes time and, you got it…practice. Just like any other change in your life, it does not typically happen over night. We want to provide you with some basic ways to start changing your mindset. Some of these won’t be for everyone, but making the small changes provides the opportunity to make big changes! Start a little outside of your comfort zone and push yourself just a bit!

Don’t Be a Picky Person.

More often than not, we tend to focus on the big things we are grateful for whether it be finally conceiving a child, getting a promotion, or getting married. These are all big steps in your life and absolutely worth being grateful for. However, did you wake up grateful that your nostrils were clear and you don’t have allergies? How about that you were able to have internet to be reading this (amongst other things)? Were you grateful that your favorite shirt was clean? How about the fact that the weather changes and you got to experience leaves falling one day and snow the next? All of these are small things that happen in our life that we can appreciate and find value in. Don’t focus on only the big stuff. True gratitude comes form valuing the small things.

It Is Not All Positive.

I really like this one. Sometimes, when we go through a crummy situation like depression, grief, or loss of a job; we should be grateful then as well. I am not saying everything is full rainbows and sunshine. It’s okay to still feel upset. This should not be the focus when practicing gratitude. Without sadness, we do not know what happiness is. We explore what makes us happy or sad. With grief, we realize that we have had the opportunity to love and care for something so deeply that we grieve at its loss. This loss can even leave openings for new opportunities. A typical example of this would be when you lose your family pet. This loss opens the door for a “replacement” pet (because let’s be honest, each pet is individual and never replaceable).  Look into some experiences you have considered negative and take a look at how they have created who you are as an individual.

Write About It.

I have recently began implementing this one myself. Writing is not for everyone. It takes time. I recently picked up Count Your Rainbows as my daily gratitude journal. On one page, it asks me to write a couple of things I valued about the weather. I had to think back and realized I hadn’t paid any attention to the weather that day because I had not been outside. Now, I focus on the weather and appreciate aspects of it. These small changes can create positivity in your life. Writing does not have to be a novel, although it totally can be! The point is to find something that works for you. For you, this might not be writing, and that is a-okay, my friend.  

Give Your Time to Someone Else

With the holiday season right around the corner, volunteering can be an optimal way to practice gratitude. Nothing is more humbling than realizing all that you have that someone else does not. Giving back to others in your local community not only helps them, but studies have shown that volunteering in order to benefit others can increase our own well-being. How could we not want to help ourselves sand improve someone else’s life?

Say it

I know I mentioned above saying “thank you” is not enough. I am not saying we don’t need to say thanks. We surely do. Think of a time when you have told someone thank you. Handing me a tissue comes to mind for me. I could have reached them on my own, but they were nice enough to do so for me. I said, “thanks.” Now, imagine if I had snot running out of my nose, I saw no tissues in sight, and they whipped one right out of their bag. Then I would have been more likely to say, “Wow! Thank you soooo much.” I truly would have been grateful while the first was more, “That was kind.” See the difference? I get it’s a bit of a silly example, but being handed a tissue is something we might take for granted. Now, every “thank you” should be more like the second. If you already do this, awesome! Expressing gratitude in more ways than just “thank you” is important as well.

Why Should We Do This?

As we continue practicing gratitude, our mindset will shift. One can begin to focus on what is important and what they already have versus what they do not have. This can change our attitude when presented with different situations. The great news is that this change in your life can decrease anxiety, provide clarity on who you are, and make everyday happier! Who doesn’t want that?

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 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Machaela Rausch
Counseling Intern & Client Liaison | The Counseling Hub

Machaela is currently in her second year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling program at Central Methodist University (CMU). She is the client liaison for The Counseling Hub where she assists with getting individuals set up with a counselor. She obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and a minor in Multicultural Studies from the University of Missouri.

 Machaela is currently receiving experience in the Counseling Center at MACC’s Columbia Campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identitiy crisis, school-related stressors, depression issues, coping with anxiety, and body image issues. Machaela has attended conferences regarding LGBTQ+ community and currently works for a non profit organization where she provides Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Implementing to individuals with developmental delays. Machaela has worked here for three years. Machaela is an active member of the American Counseling Association (ACA).

 Machaela enjoys working with diverse populations and aims to always be open to new learning experiences. Machaela seeks to be a comforting and kind individual for the first contact with The Counseling Hub. Machaela understands the process of getting into therapy can be difficult and aims to provide people with a smooth process.

Demystifying the Process: What to Do With Bad Therapy

Sooo….

You decided that you were going to do it. You were going to go out on a limb and try this therapy thing that everyone has been saying is so great. It might be a little strange during the first session with your therapist taking an active lead and asking what seem like random questions. But this is normal, right? Well, mostly, yes.

 But what if it wasn’t? How would you know that your session was bad?

 It might be shocking to read (and hard to admit), but there are some therapists that won’t be a good fit for you or the right counselor for what you need. There might even be some therapist who you think do “bad therapy!”

(*cue the audience’s gasps of outrage and terror*)

What exactly is “bad therapy”?

 In order to know what to do about bad therapy, you must first recognize what it is. Realizing that you’re having bad therapy can be obvious, as in your counselor tells you what you should or should not do; or it can be as subtle, as in you continuously leaving the office feeling kind of icky and like you were judged. Occasionally leaving worse than when you came is sort of standard (i.e. some sessions are hard and leave you with more questions), but you should never feel judged by your therapist and you should not consistently be leaving feeling worse.

 Recognizing that you’re not getting the most out of your session might be a horrible feeling. We know how hard it was to seek help and that it can be humiliating and defeating to get your hopes up for some good therapy and then have it turn out poorly.

 How else might you recognize “bad therapy,” you ask? Easy. Here are some ways to recognize if you’re having bad therapy.

 1.     Your therapist told you how you should feel about your situation. You are in control of how you feel. Your therapist shouldn’t tell you how to feel about a situation. Instead, they should ask you to go “deeper” in that emotion. In other words, allow you to have that emotion and explore why it’s there. If your therapist is telling you how to feel, then you may be experiencing bad therapy.

 Therapist: “No, you shouldn’t feel bad! You tried your best/you were right/maybe they didn’t mean what they said?” <- WRONG

 2.     You may be having bad therapy if your therapist is not listening to what you have to say. This may look like your therapist interrupting you when you speak, or it may take the form of the therapist being totally off base over and over. Not feeling heard is a terrible feeling and therapists are trained to be good listeners. Also, you may not be feeling heard if you are leaving session feeling like you were misunderstood, frustrated, or shamed.

You: Talking about your dog suddenly dying in the past week.

Therapist: “Well, at least you have a cat, still!” Or, “I’m sure your dog wouldn’t want you to be upset. Why don’t we go back to talking about why you came in for counseling in the first place?”

You came into therapy (hopefully) to explore your life and become a better you. I don’t know about you, but I would not be able to focus on myself if I just lost my cat or dog. Instead, your therapist should let you explore why you’re sad and how much your pet means to you.

 3.     You may be having bad therapy if your therapist is telling you what you should do. Giving advice is not your therapist’s job. Their job is to listen, build a relationship with you, help you understand yourself and your situation enough so that you can figure out the perfect decision (or options) for you, and then support you in deciding what do to. As we have said before, your therapist is not your friend who says whatever they feel like.

Therapist: “You should just break up with him. He sounds like a douchebag.” #IfIHadEightEyesTheyWouldAllBeRolling

4.     You leave more often than not thinking to yourself, “What did I get out of this?” If you feel like you get nowhere in your sessions, you may be having a case of bad therapitis. Now, you may not feel like you have made enormous amounts of progress in every session, but you shouldn’t feel like you wasted your time on a consistent basis. Your time in therapy should be reflective and thought provoking (more often than not).

Therapist: “We really covered a lot of ground, Stanley the Manley! Same time next week, chump – I mean, champ?!”
You: “Uh, sure.” (thinking in your head: “What ground did we cover?!”)

5.     You feel really distant and disconnected from your therapist after more than a handful of sessions. If you’ve been seeing your therapist for a month or so and you still don’t feel connected to your therapist, you’re probably having bad therapy. Again, therapists are trained to build rapport. Sometimes, we’re just not the right fit (and now I bet you’re wondering how to tell if a therapist is a good fit), but other times, if you feel uncomfortable, distant, or disconnected, you might be having bad therapy.

When do these situations happen?

Keep in mind that any of these situations can happen at any point of the therapy process. But if any of these situations are happening to you consistently, we’re sorry. That really stinks. We love good therapy and do our best to make sure that we’re doing the best we can, but we also recognize that some counselor-client fits are better than others.

What do I do when it does go bad?

Therapy can be the most enlightening and empowering experience you’ve ever known, but it can also be a flop. Before you completely give up hope on your therapist, there are some things you can do to try and improve the relationship without quitting cold turkey (although there are times when quitting cold turkey is the right move).

Reflect

It might be helpful to set aside some time to think about what went wrong. Reflect on questions or feelings you had during and after the session. Were you not feeling heard? Was your therapist not interesting? Did they remind you of someone you didn’t like? Were they too pushy? Many things can lead to an unpleasant experience, unfortunately. It’s important to understand why you didn’t have a good experience. If you understand what went wrong, then maybe you and your therapist can do something to fix it.

Ask questions

If you are new to therapy (or returning from taking a break) then you may have many questions. It may feel like the way your therapist interacts with you is indifferent or strange. It maybe helpful to ask questions about the therapy process. Clarifying what is happening and the purpose may make the process feel less anxiety provoking and strange. It may normalize your experience and realign your expectations. Some questions could include what is the purpose of your (therapist) questions? Why are we not talking about what I want to talk about in the intake? Is it wrong to joke during session?

Give it some time

Give therapy three sessions (at least) before you make a decision to stop or continue. Therapy’s foundation is built upon a relationship. Although the therapeutic relationship is unlike any other relationship, there is one common thing between the therapeutic relationship and all others: time for the relationship to develop. Allowing your therapist time to get to know you will also allow the relationship to deepen. Maybe the feeling of dissatisfaction is because your and your therapist have not had enough time to get to know each other. Also, therapy is not an over-night process. Sometimes we want things fixed right away (I mean all the time!) but it may take a while for you to see or feel the results. Hang with it, it will work.

 Allow for mistakes

Your therapist attempts to understand you and your whole life in a matter of an hour each time you see them. There are bound to be misunderstandings and mistakes. Therapists are human and make mistakes too. If your therapist makes a mistake, give them the chance to apologize. If they are unaware of a mistake they made, then you may have to let them know. Mistakes occur in all relationships including the therapeutic one. When you clarify the mistake, this allows your therapist to know you want to keep working! It also gives you the chance to feel better about working with your therapist.

Negotiate the relationship

Sometimes therapy is not what you expected. When you enter therapy it’s for you- not what the therapist wants. If your therapist is not structuring the therapy sessions the way that feels most beneficial, you may want to negotiate how to spend the time. For instance, if your therapist spends a lot of time talking about how you felt as a child and you think that the here-and-now is more important. You may need to tell them that your childhood experiences don’t feel so important and you would like to spend the time talking about what is happening right now. Again, the therapy is for you. You are putting in the hard work and no one knows you better than you.

 Talk to your therapist.

One common factor in all these hints is that you have to talk to your therapist. Talking to your therapist sounds obvious, right? But it can be very uncomfortable to say that you are not happy with their service. Therapy is supposed to be a time where you can be completely open and honest with yourself. It’s hard to be open and honest if you are uncomfortable with the other person in the room. There may be many barriers as to why you don’t want to talk to your therapist about your bad experience. Maybe you want them to like you. Maybe you are worried they will be angry at you. Perhaps you think that they should already know. You may not even be able to say what it is that is dissatisfying about the encounters. Whatever it is, you need to communicate that with your therapist. The reality is, although your therapist may feel like a mind-reader at times, they can’t read your mind. If your therapist is unaware that you’re not getting the most of your session, they can’t help you fix it. Tell your therapist that you need to check in with them to let them know how therapy is going.

Time to find something different

If you have taken these steps and you are still not feelin’ it, it may be time to find something different. Ask your therapist for a referral. Different clinicians are trained differently. Not only are different clinicians trained differently, there are hundreds of different theoretical orientations clinicians can choose to operate from. It is good to keep in mind that just because one therapist does therapy one way doesn’t mean that all therapy will be the same. What is important for you to do when trying to work with someone else is tell your new therapist what you did and didn’t like about your last therapist. This will let your new therapist know how they can best help you.

In summary, there are many things you can do if your therapy sessions are not going how you’d hoped. Spending time reflecting and talking to your therapist are going to be the most helpful. As in any relationship, time and forgiveness of mistakes are needed in order to build a solid foundation. If you and your therapist have tried these suggestions, then maybe it’s time to consider terminating the sessions. But don’t stop there! Ask your therapist for referrals. Not all therapy will look or sound the same. You are worth continuing your road to self-healing.

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about the author

Molly Lyons- Intern

Molly is currently in her final year of the Master of Science in Clinical Counseling at Central Methodist University (CMU) and is a student intern at The Counseling Hub and Boone County Mental Health Coalition, where she will assess and provide mental health interventions and resources for individuals and groups in Boone County schools. She obtained her Bachelor of Science in General Psychology with a minor in Child Development from Central Methodist University directly before enrolling in the counseling program. Prior to pursuing her counseling degree, Molly received an Associates of Science in Early Childhood Education from Moberly Area Community College. 

Molly has experience in the Counseling Center at MACC's Columbia campus, providing counseling services for students around the topics of identity crises, school-related stressors, depression issues, and coping with anxiety. Molly has co-facilitated Safe Zone trainings which introduce its members to the LGBTQ+ community terminology and basic information. Molly has also completed on online course in LGBTQ+ Counseling Competencies (College and Career Readiness) through the American Counseling Association (ACA). Molly is an active member of both the ACA and the Association for Multicultural Counseling and Development (AMCD).

Molly enjoys working with diverse populations and seeks to always be open to new learning experiences. She works best with individuals who are trying to discover who they are and how they relate to their world, as well as others in their world. Molly believes that a person’s external factors can provide both barriers and resources towards growth and that one must discover these in order to thrive.

Anxiety is the Devil

Anxiety Sucks

Period. 

People describe it as being stuck inside their own personal hell. And there's a lot of truth to that. It's an endless stream of thoughts about worst-case scenarios, what-ifs, past events where you may have said that one thing wrong, and 10 years in the future when xyz might happen. It's incessant.

And exhausting.

We've written before about anxiety (and will likely write again about it). It's important to talk about the experience of having it, as well as ways of coping with it. 

A couple of caveats - finding ways of coping with anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to go away. Having anxiety or being prone to anxiety might mean an ongoing "struggle." Except for people who have had it a long time and have learned ways of coping, it's less of a struggle and more of a nuisance. For others, it's a perpetual struggle. 

One of the hardest pieces is that it requires a getting-to-know-you experience before anything else. For example, if you wanted to pull a weed, would you just pull the top of it? Probably not. You'd go for the root. You'd dig into the soil around it and make sure you got all the little tendrils out - because you know as well as we do that one root can grow into multiple roots that dig deeper into the soil, and that can grow into multiple weeds that keep spreading in the yard. And then you're out there digging out weeds all the time instead of tending to the garden and the vegetables or plants that you want to grow.

Understanding Your Anxiety

This is the hardest part - often the scariest, too. Because it requires doing the complete opposite of what anybody with anxiety wants to do. It requires turning towards the anxiety, exposing it, questioning it, allowing space for it, and really trying to fully understand what it's about. 

HEAR US OUT, PLEASE!!

We know it sounds ridiculous, but if we don't fully understand what it's about, then how can we be sure to effectively cope with it?! That'd be like a doctor telling you to put your arm in a sling without ever doing an x-ray. Sounds silly, doesn't it? 

it's the same thing. Okay, not the exact same, but very similar. 

There are different kinds of anxiety and they show up in different ways. Not only are there different diagnoses (i.e. generalized, panic disorder, health anxiety), but each diagnosis (depending on the person, although there's some consistency) can be exacerbated by different things, including sleep, life stressors, food, drugs (yes, including alcohol and caffeine), and exercise. That's probably not even all, but it's the start. 

So, before even moving on to coping (which we're going to do, anyway), the first step is really diving into what kind of anxiety you deal with and what exacerbates your anxiety.

Coping with Anxiety

Again, understanding is the most important part, but we're softies and want to share four tried and true methods for coping with anxiety.

1. Exercise. 3-4x/week for 30 minutes at a time. Especially cardio/aerobic exercise. Weights are also good, but aerobic is better. And don't act like you don't already know this is a thing! Everybody knows the need to exercise, but most people don't find the time or don't have the inclination. For anxiety warriors, it's a must.
2. Sleep. I'm pretty sure I read that the majority of the U.S. are sleep deprived. Yes, majority. For people coping with anxiety, that's a no-no. It wreaks havoc on your circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle that you body naturally falls into). And good sleep also means good sleep hygiene (i.e. screen time, caffeine consumption). We'll write more about that later.
3. Thoughts. What do you spend your time thinking about? Do you ever take time to be present, or are you stuck in your thoughts more often than not? If the latter (like most folks with anxiety), then this is a great place to start. Pay attention to what you're thinking, how it impacts you emotionally, and how thinking a different thing can make you feel better. 
4. Meditation. Another one that everybody knows is good, but most people don't do. I'll tell you a little secret. Meditation, literally, changes your brain. As in, for real, changes the activity (i.e. slows it down) and structure of your brain. It's unbelievable what it can do for you (most of these things on the list, actually). And if you think that it's "not thinking" for 10 minutes, you're mistaken. It's simply about paying attention to one thing - a mantra, your breathing, the present, an image, or something else. 

There you have it! Four simple (and highly effective) ways of ocping with anxiety. Doing them all on one day won't make everything better, though. Just something to keep in mind. They require consistent practice and you end up seeing profound effects (especially the longer you stick with them).

Good luck, friends! And if you want help along this journey (it can be trying going at it alone), reach out to us. We're happy to support you in any way possible!

I Feel Lost With Life... I Don't Know What To Do

Feeling untethered? Unsure about where to go next, what to do with your life, and what your future holds? (Technically, nobody knows what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean we should say ‘screw it’ and completely disconnect what control we do have in our life.)

You’re not alone (as cheesy as that sounds). Seriously, though, you’re not the first person who feels untethered and you surely won’t be the last. Even further, this isn’t something that happens once in life and then it’s done. It can happen consistently throughout life. The good news is that the better we get at dealing with this experience, the sooner we understand what’s going on, and the sooner we can address it. 

How to Recognize You’re Feeling Lost

It might seem counterintuitive, but is worth mentioning. Sometimes, we get in such a state of confusion and overwhelm that we dont’ even recognize part of the issue is feeling untethered. We say to ourselves, “I’m just unhappy with my weight/job/partner/past/class/boss.” And then we leave it at that, passing the blame to those around us, but not really taking the time to reflect on what role we have in it.

So, here are a few ways to assess whether or not you’re feeling lost in life. 

1. You feel uninterested and bored by (almost) everything.
   There’s no real passion or purpose for what you’re doing. You don’t care about previous activities you used to love. You’re going through the motions, but you’re not invested.
   

2. You look at others and wonder what you’re missing.
   It’s not uncommon for you to see other people in your life who seem genuinely happy and satisfied and to be left feeling confused. You might either say, “they’re full of it,” or you might say, “I wish I felt a semblance of that.” Either way, you feel disconnected from others who seem genuinely happy.
   

3. You feel disconnected from those around you.
   I mean with everybody. Your partner, your children, your friends, your family of origin, your coworkers, the barista you see every day... everybody. You can remember what it felt like to actually enjoy seeing these people, and to be interested in what they were saying. Currently, though, you’re left only remembering what it was like and telling yourself you might feel that again someday.

I’m Lost, Then. Now What? 

Well, there’s not really an easy fix, I’m afraid. There are simple things you can do, but part of the simple things entails reflecting on your current state of being, your past state of being, your moods and behaviors, the things in life that spark any joy, the things in life that energize you even just a little bit, and assessing relationships (i.e. are they fulfilling your needs, are you being honest, is it personal or between you and the other person).  

The short version is that the first thing we do is assess.  

We want to get a true understanding of what is before we start making changes left and right. And I realize that you’re probably wanting a quick solution because this feeling is one that is distinctly uncomfortable. However, I’d urge you to ride it out to the extent that you fully understand it. Then, and only then, we can implement changes that will (ideally) improve your sense of feeling tethered. 

Of course, counseling is one way of doing that. We’re trained to help people sort out their feelings of lost-ness, and Tim, in particular, is a stellar person to see for this. We’re happy to help in any way we can, so contact us today to get a feel for whether we’re a good fit for you! 

Why Am I So Anxious?!

Anxiety is a tricky fiend. It’ll sneak up on you and snatch away your joy when you least expect it. Or it lies waiting all day, just biding its time until you lay down for bed and then it starts screaming in your ear about all the ways you’ve failed, all the things you have to do, all the horrific things that could happen, all the friends who probably don’t even like you, and all the failed attempts at life you’ve had so far.

EGADS, it’s exhausting.

Take heart, my friend, we’re going to cover some common reasons anxiety strikes. Hopefully, you get something out of this. And if you don’t? That’s cool – we’re happy with trying.

With anxiety, we’re looking at a few different things.

Nutrition and Anxiety (yes, seriously...)

First off, food. Yes, seriously, food.

Your gut is legit magical. I mean, if you even knew, you’d be completely blown away by this thing (you might actually already know, in which case I’m preaching to the choir). For example, did you know that about 90% of the serotonin in your body is located in your gut. Yes, your GUT. So wild, right?!

My point is this, though. When we ingest things that cause/increase inflammation in our system or that are poison, in essence (I’m looking at you, alcohol!), then we’re potentially increasing our risk for mental health problems. I’m not saying don’t drink. I am saying to pay attention to how you feel (mentally) after you eat and drink certain things. It’s not uncommon for people to cite drinking (the day before, for example) as an antecedent to feeling extremely anxious.

Cognitions and Anxiety

Second, thoughts.

This is the one that everybody already knows about (probably). The way that we think can actually increase and decrease certain feelings. Yes, our thoughts are connected to our feelings. Crazy, huh?

A simple experiment is to shut your eyes and think about a time when somebody said or did something really thoughtful for you. Just go back there for a minute and recall what that was like. And then open your eyes and notice how you feel. There are probably some vestiges of ‘good’ after thinking about that, right?

Along that same vein, close your eyes and think about the last jackass to cut you off, or that time you were wrongfully accused of something, or the last fight you had. Go back there for a minute. Then open your eyes and notice how you feel. Probably angry – at least I’m assuming angry, but it could also be frustrated, upset, or distressed.

My point is this – anxiety can be related to thoughts. So when we’re aware of how we think about things (and what we think about), we can squelch some of anxiety-as-an-effect.

Basic Needs and Anxiety

Third (and last because this is getting long), basic needs.

This sounds so silly, but is really important. You know what else impacts anxiety? Sleep, sunlight, and connection. Yes, all three.

Sleep is WAY more profound on our systems than we give it credit for. People who consistently don’t sleep enough end up dying sooner, on average, having more illness and slower recoveries, and having more mental health issues. For real. Sleep is important.

Connection and sunlight are also significant, in that we evolved to be outside (not in artificial light) and be in connection with others. When both of those are consistently disrupted, the aftermath can be mental health issues, including anxiety.

The point of this is to highlight some other factors that can be influencing your anxiety. If you know these, you can start to modify some of what you’re doing and just see what the impact is. If it’s helpful, then now you know! And if it’s not, then schedule a session and come through to see us so we can help you figure out what’s going on!

Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen | Antidotes

Couples Counseling | Columbia, Mo

Hallelujah, am I right?! You didn’t think that I’d leave you in the lurch, did you?! 

Pfffft! C’mon now, you should know me better than that at this point! 

Four Horsemen Recap

Okay, so we’ve covered criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Phew! They’re intense (although rest assured that couples counseling can absolutely help, especially Gottman Method Couples Therapy).

The tendency seems to be that they start during conflict. That’s initially, anyway. Then what happens is that they slowly, slowly, slowly start to bleed over into other interactions. You might approach a neutral topic (i.e. groceries) with an edge to your voice because you’re so fed up with not feeling heard on a consistent basis.

You see what I mean?

It’s that whole things-don’t-get-released-or-resolved-so-it-keeps-adding-up phenomenon that I’m pretty sure most of us know all too well. Some of us, anyway. Some folks just put it all out there on a consistent basis (which can lend itself to other types of problems, but not generally this one).

SO, my point is this. The horsemen typically start within conflict and then communication slowly devolves to lots of horsemen during non-conflict. It’s really tiring and frustrating. People tend to feel exhausted and confused about when and why it happens.

The beauty in all of this is that there are antidotes! Yyaayyy!!

Show Me The Antidotes!!

Short version is this:

criticism -> gentle startup
defensiveness -> take responsibility
stonewalling -> self-soothe
contempt -> state your own feelings and needs

Super easy, right? #winkyface

Simple, yes. Easy? Meh, maybe. Remember that whole you know what to do, but do you do it thing? Same concept here. It's simple, but do you do it (first of all), and it's difficult to implement, which is why we're going into details below!

From Criticism to Gentle Startup

With criticism, we want a gentle startup in its place. And with gentle startup, we ask that you state your feeling, the situation, and then a need. And in more detail, it should go like this.

• State a feeling (an actual feeling work, not “I feel like you think I’m…”). Nope. Like this instead: “I feel _________” (happy, angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless, depressed, excited, guilty – you can pick).
• Then state a specific situation, such as “when you forgot to load the dishwasher.” In the situation, you can clarify what the situation was, but not point out character flaws.
• THEN, state a need in a positive way. Positive meaning the addition of something, not the absence of something. For example, “I need to know you’ll load the dishwasher when you say you will,” or “I need to feel supported in the housework.” NOT, “I need you to stop _______.”

Taking Responsibility

With defensiveness, we instead want responsibility.

It’s hard to keep blaming others when we notice and take ownership of what we did to keep the interaction going in a negative direction. For example, “I didn’t load the dishwasher when I said I would. I’m sorry.” BOOM. That’s it. No explanation (yet) as to why, no, “Well, you said you were going to blahblahblah and you didn’t do that,” and nothing else of the like. A simple, “Yep. I did that. I’m sorry.” And that’s it.

Self-Soothe Instead of Stonewall

With stonewalling, we want to engage in self-soothing.

Ideally, we don’t reach stonewalling and we’re able to take a break and calm our systems down. In this case, you’d say, “Look, I’m reaching my limit. I’m about to shut down and I need to take 20. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” And then you part ways (again, simple, but not necessarily easy) and come back together in 20 minutes.

The important thing is that the time you take to decompress should actually be time to decompress. Meaning that you shouldn’t spend it thinking about how angry you are. Nope. Spend it journaling, going for a walk, riding your bike, cooking, playing with your cat/kid/dog/bird/lizard, or knitting.

Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Contempt

Lastly, contempt. When you’re feeling contemptuous, we ask that you clearly state your feelings and needs. Such as, “I’m livid and so hurt. I need to be able to trust my partner.” Rather than “You’re such a selfish asshole and I can’t rely on you for anything!”

Okay, this is a long post. All of this, as with most of the stuff we write about, is easier said than done. Really, it all just takes practice, attention, and intention. If you’re looking for some help, make sure you email us right now and we can get you set up with one of our team.